|Those better be strippers and not league members.|
The league we are in (The GFL--not related to the G$FL) has been in existence now for 20 years (I have been in it for 6 years now). Some of you may say this is pathetic, but the majority of us think it is amazing. For those 20 years, 3 of us have been there from the get go. Now, how have we survived that long you ask? Well, I am about to let you in on some of those secrets...
10. Dead people - Many Americans worship the rich and famous, we in our league drink to them. We average between 1-100 dead people references per draft. I am sure this year we will hear mention of names such as Amy Winehouse, Myra Kraft, Betty Ford, and traditional carry overs such as Rodney Culver, Fred Lane, and Rae Carruth (I don't think Rae is dead, but he might as well be).
9. The Mystery Man - In years past we have had anonymous letters, calls from "The Reaper", and lately the GFL Saboteur. Now some of these have clouded the GFL and had innocent people accused of crimes they never committed. What this element brings to the league is that idiots get so involved in these conspiracies that they take time out of their research and their teams show it after the draft. Its not hard to distract some members of my league, heck a big ball of red string usually does the trick, but this mystery aspect really does make life interesting from time to time.
8. The Finger - Several in my league have heard about this "finger" deal between myself and another league member. What it does is give a little advantage to the member of the league who holds this "finger raise". At any time during the draft if it comes down to a player that we are both interested in, the owner of the finger can raise it at any time, and the opposition MUST drop out of the bidding. It sucks when you are on the other side, but when you own the finger, it is a nice advantage. (I own a "finger raise" this year and I couldn't be happier about it. Basically, if I'm isolated with the guy that is owed the finger on say, Adrian Peterson, and for some reason the two of us are the only ones bidding on AP at $40, when I raise my finger, dude has to bail. No questions asked. I would love to get Peterson for $40.)
7. Fire-Up Music - This gets the day started on the right foot...what do you listen to while driving to your draft. Some listen to ESPN and think they are getting last minute information, but I hate to tell you, if you are just finishing your research on the way to draft, welcome to another losing season. I usually get fired up on my 10 minute drive with a little Tupac (WEST COAST RAP, N-WORDS!). This music gets me fired up and makes me want to kick the ass of all other league members. Rumor has it that, in this league, there is a guy who rocks out to Richard Marx.
6. Mutant Gas - A long carryover on the list, but one of the best. Nothing better than a good room-clearer to get opponents off their game and allow you to focus on the task at hand. I think everyone in my league is well aware of my pregame meal...HAM. I am not sure what it is about ham, but my wife only allows me to eat it once a year, and that is the day before draft because she knows I will be gone the majority of the next day. (For me personally, nothing strips the paint off the wall like a good meal at White Castle.)
5. Skunked Beer - Every year, one or two league members brings a 6-pack to the draft and then drink off of people for the rest of the draft. I have no problem with this since I usually pack a 30-pack, so I have plenty. However, when they make me get them a beer as I am up to get one for myself, I grab from the right side of the cooler. These are a couple of surprise beers that I have prepared from over the summer by cooling and heating on several occasions. It is amazing how they seem to suck them down as if nothing is wrong, but I know and they know I have beat them. (Note to self: bring enough beer so I don't need to drink out of that cooler)
4. Farm Team - A weaker-minded opponent in the league whose sole purpose is to benefit your team in the end. Find this guy early in the season. I have my traditional standby for years now. How do you claim a "farm" team...it takes time, there are times when you may not be having a solid year, so what you do is throw them a bone. They appreciate this, and you can use it later on when you need to trade Marion Barber for MoJo to make that final playoff push.
3. Penalty Shot - We really stepped it up with Apple Pie (a version of moonshine made popular on this past season of Justified and it is fucking DELICIOUS) last year, but traditionally it has been Jager or Firewater. When a player is brought up that has already been drafted, you must take a penalty shot. It is always good to see, because this usually happens towards the end of the draft when you are already three sheets to the wind. It does get ugly sometimes, but those are the memories that last forever. (One year, I went to take a piss and occasional commenter, The Irishman, was passed out sitting on the toilet completely nude...it was the worst and greatest thing that I've ever seen in my life.)
2. The Story - Every year we get someone who in the middle of the draft needs to tell an unrelated and moronic story. In our league it is usually the same guy with some off the wall story about an Indian wiping his ass with his hand or some poor girl who tore her vagina on a fence or something to that affect. This story throws everyone off their game and has nothing to with the draft. It really is disturbing to hear these stories, but like a train wreck, you just can't turn away.
1. Solid League Members - This has been the backbone to our league for 20 years. Active people of varying levels of knowledge participating and talking smack to each other for 12 months a year. This league never ends. Whether it be good nature ribbing or solid insults based on the teams they support, this league is built on its owners. One guy can ruin a good league. And hey, porn at the draft always helps to make them even more enjoyable. (I agree with this. Have fun and drink at the draft. Get shit-faced. Being all serious and studying ten different magazines is not cool. Shotgunning beers and then helicoptering your penis is the stuff of legend. You will be talked about for years!)
Thank you, Blinger, your words are wise and I look forward to the excellent food spread, the 18 pack of beer that I will drink, and the shots of 'shine next Saturday up in Henry Co. for the GFL Draft. For the record, in that keeper league, I've kept Run DMC for $9 and Santonio for $4...I think that that is a good start for a team.
As for the G$FL Draft, I'm picking 10th out of 12. Ugh. I don't care for this position at all. All the studs like AP, Arian, Charles, Chris Johnson, Brees, Rodgers, Brady, and probably Vick will all be gone. I assume that Ray Rice and MoJo are probably out of the picture, too. I have no idea what I'm going to do here. Is 10 too early for Andre Johnson? If Vick is there, is he the man? If I go position players the first two rounds, will Peyton fall all the way to me in the 3rd round? He might actually. Fuck, I hate the tenth pick.
Good luck in your drafts everyone. By the time I return, your rosters in all of your leagues should be completed. I hope that they all suck. And just a reminder, PAY MR. ACE IF YOU ARE IN THE MSFL. Maybe he'll out the deadbeats today. He should. Come back next week for the collaborative effort known as College Football Preview Week. And Thursday, I will announce Mr. Ace's replacement. I am reviewing resumes as we speak or as you read...whichever one makes more sense.