Friday, August 12, 2011

FFF: Don't Waste Money On Whitey

"What's 'taters', Precious?"
Well, tomorrow is the DFL Draft LIVE from Dut's gay sex dungeon/basement. I think that everyone agrees that this is way too early to draft but whatever. I can't possibly understand the allure of meeting Carl Edwards in Bristol, TN. Would you be impressed if I posted on here, "Sorry, won't be posting all of next week. I'm going to Atlantic City for the Miss America Pageant...ALL ACCESS! And I get to meet TONY DANZA!" Would you be jealous of that? Would that be justifiable enough for me to take time off from the blog? Of course it wouldn't because it's gay. Just like the commissioner of the DFL. But what are you gonna do? We're drafting tomorrow whether I like it or not so I might as well prepare myself. I was thinking of unleashing my list of fantasy underrated guys today but then I realized that that would be stupid to give away my secrets. So instead, today you get the list of guys who are ranked waaaaaaaaaay too high this year. In fact, just save your money when the names of these guys come up.

And as always, I need to remind you that I have been playing fantasy football for over a decade now and have only won one money league...the 2005 G$FL title. It's a damn fine title. I do have a handful of runner-up finishes though. So take this with a grain of salt if you would like. Or take it as gospel as I would prefer.

QB: Josh Freeman - I like Freeman. I really do. He reminds of Big Ben but without the accusations and gray dick. He's just a big dude who doesn't always make pretty plays but always seems to win. ESPN has him rated as the #10 QB this year which means that in a 12 team league, they expect some team to start him every week. Hells nah! I don't trust that. They have Freeman rated higher than Matty Ice, Eli the Tard, Flacco, and Kolb. I'd maybe take him over The Tard, but no one else there. I've said it before and I'll say it again, getting a rippling stud QB on your roster increases your playoff odds by a ton. Unless you take Peyton. Fuck Peyton.
2010 Pick: Matt Ryan...PUSH. Actual quote from last year: He will probably go before McNabb, Palmer, and Flacco...but I like all three of these guys more than Ryan. MISS!!!

RB: Peyton Hillis - I don't think that it's a stretch that if Peyton Hillis was Lamar Jenkins, no one would care about him. And I have a Madden cover as proof that this is true. Hillis is a badass but let me give you three big reasons (other than the team he plays for) as to why you should pass on the White Rhino.
1. Madden Curse + Cleveland Curse = ???
2. He takes a fuckload of hits and fumbles a ton.
3. Never forget that he kind of sucks and was traded for Brady Quinn. Remember, he was only good for about 8-9 weeks last year.
Some dumbass Browns fan/racist will pimp this fucker up to 40 bucks. Let him do it. You don't want none. It's too risky. Also someone to stay away from is LeSean McCoy. HE DOESN'T SCORE! And the Eagles have no short yardage plays. McCoy will also go for way more than he should.
2010 Pick: Brandon Jacobs...HIT!

WR: Chad Johnson - You already know how this is going to happen. He'll have about 4 touchdowns in the first 3 or 4 games because Belichick needs to prove that he made the right acquisition to stroke his ego. Then, Chad will sort of fade away slowly and be targeted less and less each game because he can't shake corners anymore. Eventually, he's nothing more than a decoy out there and blossoms into a malcontent. He ends up with 800 yards and 6 td's but gives you almost nothing over the last 12 weeks. A few dumbasses in your league will think that he's due for a monster now that he's out of Cincy. Be smarter than that. Also overrated: Jeremy Maclin. Until he practices, I'm going to believe the rumors that he has some sort of disease that will kill him. Don't draft a guy with Super-Lupus.
2010 Pick: Anquan Boldin...HIT!

TE: Dallas Clark - This fucking guy always gets hurt. If you want him, you have to take him semi-early and then he never plays after week 8. There is nothing more annoying than taking a leap on a stud TE and then watching them get hurt and having to pick through the scrap heap to replace the guy. It sucks.  Nobody should have to pick up Bo Scaife off of waivers.
2010 Pick: Jason Witten...HIT!

K/DEF: Mike Nugent/Lions - People still drool over Nugent around here. Even if the Bengals cut him, someone will still draft him. He always fucking sucked. The Lions still have nothing in the back 7. Teams will throw at will on them. If you are still reading this for advice on kickers and defenses to avoid then you should not be playing fantasy football. You should be sucking off truck drivers at Lollipop Park. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS! Oh maybe I do have something, Nate Kaeding is a little faggot who looks like a real-life Butters from South Park. Don't draft him out of spite.
2010 Pick: Garrett Hartley/Baltimore...???

That's it for today, boys. You know something else that is wildly overrated: The Goonies (which I watched this past weekend). That movie fucking sucks. I wish that the Fratelli's killed all of them. How the fuck did pirates get a big ass ship inside of a massive rock? And then the rock closed in around the ship? Huh? One-Eyed Willie and his crew, I believe, were all murdered yet were all sitting UPRIGHT around a table and absolutely NONE of their treasure was taken? THIS MAKES NO SENSE. FUCK YOU, FELDMAN! Although that Andie chick is fine as fuck. I could go on and on about how terrible this movie is but I'll stop here. Let's try to get the commenting back to our normal standards next week, please. Until then, fuck you, Dut.

18 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

I will start the bidding with stevan ridley for $30.

Anonymous said...

Awful day for a draft.

$31.

Ide

MUDawgfan said...

HEY! Remember that guy who drafted Matt Schaub last year and had a 3 win season??????

That was me. Fuckin' Matt Schaub.

Grumpy said...

If you had so many HITS last year, why didn't you win anything?

Yeah, FUCK YOU Dut.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand you, Grump. That makes no sense. I did avoid those guys and I made the playoffs in 2 of 3 leagues.

I have no idea who Ridley is so I'm going to bail early on this auction. Gots to save my money for Roy Helu Jr.

Grossman is going to drop buckets and buckets of creamy loads on the Steelers tonight, baby!!!

--$

Anonymous said...

Ide- I assume that Buke communicated everything to you? And are you interested in golf at 11?

You're all in big big trouble tomorrow. For the first time, I have outsourced my duties to run the auction (to little Poopson). Now I can focus my energy on the draft and not take Ricky Williams for 21$.

I think Ridley played for LSU last year? He played in the South so he must be good.. 34$!

Dut

Prime99 said...

I started Sexy Rexy in championship game vs. a team with Ron Mexico and fucking won last year! Bring on 2011, bitches!!!

Anonymous said...

The Goonies is a great movie.

Also, FUCK YOU for doubting the SILVER CRUSH!

--Drew

The Iceman said...

The madden curse will offset the cleveland curse and hillis will lead the league in rushing yards and touchdowns...or the double curse will completely consume him and his butthole will turn inside out after his first carry.

How fucking dare you shit talk the goonies?! It got robbed for the oscar.

Anonymous said...

I stand by my Goonies hate. Mama Fratelli was tremendous though. I stuck around for the credits to see that Ogre from Rev of the Nerds played Sloth. Awesome but disappointing. Deep down I wanted there to be a guy who actually looked like that.

A draft led by a Poopson...this is going to be an epic shit show.

--$

Anonymous said...

"epic shit show"....my money says G$ pounds a six pack of MG64 Lemonades and goes home after.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

"And as always, I need to remind you that I have been playing fantasy football for over a decade now and have only won one money league..."

By your own admission, dickhead.

Anonymous said...

Whoa! The kitty's got their claws out. It almost seems like these two are jealous that we're playing the lush front ten/back eight of Minerva tomorrow. What an awful course.

--$

Anonymous said...

I wont make it to golf but feel free to get blasted. We've all witnessed Dammans and lil Poopsons decision making abilities while drunk.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Nice find Grumpy.

When can we start discussing Jersey Shore again here?

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Snooki says Italian tanning beds suck.

Anonymous said...

NOW. Sitch depresses me. He is so sad although Snooks is quasi-fine this season. And I'm digging JWoww and her crystal meth diet.

--$

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