Monday, August 01, 2011

Everybody's Got A Price

Everybody's gonna pay.
In case you were unaware, Saturday night ended up being Money Shot Night at Huntington Park in downtown Columbus.  If you weren't invited, well, we don't like you.  And you missed one hell of a night.  Right now, I bet you're thinking, "Man, I hope he recaps what happened because I totes want to know!"  And you are right because here it comes.  Today's players are none other than our very own Damman, Dut, Mr. Ace, and G$ himself.

We meet up for margarita pitchers at Cantina.  Talk immediately shifts to how terrible of a DFL commissioner Dut is.  We get to talking about Ide drafting for Reba and I note how impressed we should all be that Ide walked into the draft last year knowing only a few guys and was pounding out racist jokes like whoa.  I should have been more careful saying this since a black guy was sitting right next to me and also next to Damman at the other end of the bar.  We were off to a good start for the evening.

Time to leave the bar and head down to the park for some minor league baseball action.  Ace had called me earlier in the day wondering if the game would be a sellout to which I laughed at his dumbass.  Turns out that that was the case.  We turned in our $15 raincheck tickets for $6 standing room only ducats.  Fucking Indians stealing money out of my pockets!  We ended up taking seats anyway because who is going to fuck with this foursome (which did not end up having a gross and awkward foursome in case you were wondering).

A large black man walks up the aisle which immediately gets our attention because we think it's Jared Sullinger.  I start yelling at him that he should have went pro and that he should be a Cav right now.  Except that there is no way that this guy is 6'9", he's drinking, and his ass is not massive.  I yell "JARED" when he's walking by and he does not respond.  Damman yells "SULLY" and he gives us a wave.  So we think that it was Jared's older broseph, JJ.  JJ is a big supporter of minor league baseball and expensive draft beer.  JJ is alright by me.

About the 4th inning, it's Damman and I's turn to fly for beers.  When en route to the LaBatt stand, we notice a rather sizable line behind homeplate.  It's definitely for some guy signing autographs.  We're curious obviously.  We see some random chick serving as security or some shit and HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN TED DIBIASE!!!  DiBiase was at the Clippers game for some reason!  I am literally flipping out (and totally not embarrassed by it either).  We head back to the seats.  Dut has no idea who Ted is but Ace seems pretty pumped up.  He keeps asking if Virgil was there (a reference to an incredibly racist WWF storyline where a black man was a rich white guy's man servant for years...yeah, seriously).  After about an inning or so of mentally debating if I need to meet the REAL $, I decide that "yes, I need to do this".  It's not like I was paying attention to the game anyway.  There is no line when I get to the table.  I took a picture for a guy who was very appreciative.  Then it's my turn.  I had paid $5 for a picture for him to autograph (best purchase ever).

Million Dollar Man: Who can I make it out to?
Drunk G$: G!  MONEEEEEY!
Million Dollar Man: GMONEY!!!
(both DiBiase and the chick at the table next to him start laughing, he starts signing the photo: "Hey GMoney!  Best wishes!  Ted DiBiase HOF 2010")
Drunk G$: You totally got screwed at Wrestlemania IV against Macho Man!
(no response, I'm feeling incredibly ashamed as my knowledge of a wrestling match that happened 23 years ago is being thrown directly back into my face with pants-shitting silence...meanwhile Damman is taking a picture of the two biggest money-related characters in world history...Ted finishes the signing and hands it back to me)
Million Dollar Man: I happen to agree with you.  Let me show you something.
(SUCCESS!  He heard me!  We're pretty much best friends now!  Why is Ted DiBiase getting his iPhone out?  Oh, that's right, he wanted to show me something!  It better not be a picture of his dick.  It's isn't!  Success again!  HOLY SHIT, it's a picture from Wrestlemania IV where Hulk Hogan is hitting him in the back with a steel chair which led to his loss!  THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING!  TED DIBIASE IS COOLER THAN EVERYONE IN THE WORLD COMBINED!)
Drunk G$:  Yeah!  Exactly!  Well, I appreciate the autograph.  Thanks!
(shake his hand and walk away with the biggest shit-eatingest grin ever)

We get back to our seats.  Ace is even more pumped.  Dut is doing a good job of acting like he cares (which is all that I ask).  Damman publicly announces to our section that the Indians just traded for Ubaldo.  Not ONE person reacts which was hilarious.  After awhile, my man-love for DiBiase dies down and the convo veers toward fantasy football.  Now I should warn you, after a few beers, G$ gets REALLY loud.  So I'm off on some long-winded diatribe about how Derek Anderson screwed me over a few years ago yet I still managed to finish second somehow.  And I am literally screaming (although shockingly nothing vulgar).  The old man sitting in front me had heard enough.

Grumpy: Can you please keep it down?  I can't even concentrate on the game because you're being so loud.
(I understand this completely and he is totally right.  The other three seem to want me to talk shit back to him but two wrongs don't make a right and The Million Dollar Man ALWAYS gets his man.  This is what I say.)
Drunker G$:  I'm sorry.  I'm just really passionate about fantasy football.
Dead serious.  That was my reply.  I think that he might have apologized later but he was totally right.  I am very loud and no one should have to listen to someone go on and on about Derek Anderson.  We get it, G$, Derek Anderson sucked.  He sucked for everybody, not just you.

I ended up missing back-to-back homers by the Clippers (one from Shelly Duncan!) while standing in line for more beer.  Damman and I get back to the seats and Dut and Ace are gone.  There's a small but unlikely chance that they ditched us.  Nope, they were back by one of those pitching games trying to throw the heat.  We all ended up doing it.  Damman has the best fastball in the group and Dut was shockingly second.  I think that their JUGGS gun is way off because I was throwing a lot harder than 65 mph.  Bullshit.

Left game early.  Went to bar.  Argued that Colt McCoy will never be a decent QB.  Old guys realized that they had reached their limit.  Dut and Ace stayed out.  D and I went home.  World keeps spinnin'.  I woke She$ up and shoved the autographed Million Dollar Man picture in her face.  She was not impressed.  The end.

Great night.  Money Shot Night needs to happen more often.  Especially if awesome pro wrestlers from the 80's and early 90's show up.  I would really, REALLY love to meet The Honky Tonk Man one of these days.  Jealous?  This story is EXACTLY why the internet rules.  By the way, for those scoring at home, today happens to be She$ and I's 2 year anniversary.  So there's that.  Bye bye.


Grumpy said...

If she is still around for #3, she's either crazy or you have a 12" schlong. Congratulations.

Anonymous said...

I never said anything remotely racist at Duts last year.


Prime99 said...

Fucking hilarious story. I was laughing my ass off at you meeting Million $ Man!

Anonymous said...

I assume that since no one is commenting today, you are treating this like a guy who hits a dinger and nobody on his team reacts for awhile until they all go nuts on him. That is the only explanation because this post is fucking money. Literally.


Anonymous said...

I would've been more impressed if it was the heartbreak kid and he gave you sweet chin music as soon as you approached him.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I wasn't able to do my morning ritual (drop a deuce and read this) until now.

You missed some debauchery after leaving like old married men. I think one of you dropped some rufies in my beer because I got drunker than I normally do after a pitcher of margarita and 4 stadium brews. I don't remember bits and pieces after midnight. A few notes:

*Ace attempted to cock block one of my friends at the bar who was hitting on some random. He came up to him multiple times and said "you're not gonna go home with THIS guy, right?"
*Ace stole my car and drove home. However, he couldn't figure out the lights, so he held down the lever for the brights when a car was near.
*i had some fantastic White Castle at 3:00 AM (which is being unloaded as we speak).
*Ace picked me up in the morning after I made the walk of shame to my car that wasn't there
*Ace lost his wallet that contained his ID, SS card, and birth certificate
*we searched the bar and street for over an hour for the wallet (Ace kidnapped me). Ace later texts me and says the wallet was on his bed. Asshole.
*my cable/internet was out all day yesterday, which multiplied my hangover by 100. ATT will pay for forcing me to miss the best Tigers game of the season. Carlos guillen I my hero.

You forgot to mention your ground shaking burp in the 8th inning. Some random black lady couldn't stop laughing about it. Damman only beat me by 1 MPH. I think the gun was off because I clearly had my fastball workin that night.


Anonymous said...

Excellent contributions, Dut. Yes that black lady loved my burp.

Ace is clearly terrible. I respect his grand theft auto skills though.


Anonymous said...

I feel like I was roofied as well. But it may have been the toxic mix of Bud Light, Cherry bombs, Molson Canadian and Labatt that put me over the edge. I was shit canned and done for very early and suddenly. Good times.

I don't remember the burp. I must have still been riding high from the blazing fastball that I unleashed.


Anonymous said...

Late to the party. Got to work this morning and phones/computers were down. Been working from home since ten....which is very nice to do with the TV on and pajamas on. Definitely gonna make myself a drink in the next couple of hours.

Very good story about meeting Dibiase. Congrats on that.

Dut..that Tigers game was awesome. G$ loves living in a world where the best pitcher in baseball is Verlander.


Anonymous said...

Hold off on that talk, Tigs fans. I'm writing about that tomorrow (and other shit).

Drew wears pajamas and doesn't like fantasy football. What a man.

If you all are nice to me, I will bring the hilarious autographed picture of Ted to all of my football drafts this year.


Prime99 said...

The Dibiase pic needs to be scanned and posted immediately.

Anonymous said...

You don't have pajama pants...who the fuck doesn't? Extremely comfy.

A Tigers blog tomorrow? Insert Bart Scott can't wait YouTube.


Anonymous said...

Prime, when I was up at the table, they had 3 different pics to buy.

"I'll take the one where he's making the crazy face."

Everything about this chance meeting was pure gold. If I would have had another beer or two in me, I would have asked him if I could try on his black blazer with the dollar sign on the back (which he had on the back of his chair).