|Everybody's gonna pay.|
We meet up for margarita pitchers at Cantina. Talk immediately shifts to how terrible of a DFL commissioner Dut is. We get to talking about Ide drafting for Reba and I note how impressed we should all be that Ide walked into the draft last year knowing only a few guys and was pounding out racist jokes like whoa. I should have been more careful saying this since a black guy was sitting right next to me and also next to Damman at the other end of the bar. We were off to a good start for the evening.
Time to leave the bar and head down to the park for some minor league baseball action. Ace had called me earlier in the day wondering if the game would be a sellout to which I laughed at his dumbass. Turns out that that was the case. We turned in our $15 raincheck tickets for $6 standing room only ducats. Fucking Indians stealing money out of my pockets! We ended up taking seats anyway because who is going to fuck with this foursome (which did not end up having a gross and awkward foursome in case you were wondering).
A large black man walks up the aisle which immediately gets our attention because we think it's Jared Sullinger. I start yelling at him that he should have went pro and that he should be a Cav right now. Except that there is no way that this guy is 6'9", he's drinking, and his ass is not massive. I yell "JARED" when he's walking by and he does not respond. Damman yells "SULLY" and he gives us a wave. So we think that it was Jared's older broseph, JJ. JJ is a big supporter of minor league baseball and expensive draft beer. JJ is alright by me.
About the 4th inning, it's Damman and I's turn to fly for beers. When en route to the LaBatt stand, we notice a rather sizable line behind homeplate. It's definitely for some guy signing autographs. We're curious obviously. We see some random chick serving as security or some shit and HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN TED DIBIASE!!! DiBiase was at the Clippers game for some reason! I am literally flipping out (and totally not embarrassed by it either). We head back to the seats. Dut has no idea who Ted is but Ace seems pretty pumped up. He keeps asking if Virgil was there (a reference to an incredibly racist WWF storyline where a black man was a rich white guy's man servant for years...yeah, seriously). After about an inning or so of mentally debating if I need to meet the REAL $, I decide that "yes, I need to do this". It's not like I was paying attention to the game anyway. There is no line when I get to the table. I took a picture for a guy who was very appreciative. Then it's my turn. I had paid $5 for a picture for him to autograph (best purchase ever).
Million Dollar Man: Who can I make it out to?
Drunk G$: G! MONEEEEEY!
Million Dollar Man: GMONEY!!!
(both DiBiase and the chick at the table next to him start laughing, he starts signing the photo: "Hey GMoney! Best wishes! Ted DiBiase HOF 2010")
Drunk G$: You totally got screwed at Wrestlemania IV against Macho Man!
(no response, I'm feeling incredibly ashamed as my knowledge of a wrestling match that happened 23 years ago is being thrown directly back into my face with pants-shitting silence...meanwhile Damman is taking a picture of the two biggest money-related characters in world history...Ted finishes the signing and hands it back to me)
Million Dollar Man: I happen to agree with you. Let me show you something.
(SUCCESS! He heard me! We're pretty much best friends now! Why is Ted DiBiase getting his iPhone out? Oh, that's right, he wanted to show me something! It better not be a picture of his dick. It's isn't! Success again! HOLY SHIT, it's a picture from Wrestlemania IV where Hulk Hogan is hitting him in the back with a steel chair which led to his loss! THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING! TED DIBIASE IS COOLER THAN EVERYONE IN THE WORLD COMBINED!)
Drunk G$: Yeah! Exactly! Well, I appreciate the autograph. Thanks!
(shake his hand and walk away with the biggest shit-eatingest grin ever)
We get back to our seats. Ace is even more pumped. Dut is doing a good job of acting like he cares (which is all that I ask). Damman publicly announces to our section that the Indians just traded for Ubaldo. Not ONE person reacts which was hilarious. After awhile, my man-love for DiBiase dies down and the convo veers toward fantasy football. Now I should warn you, after a few beers, G$ gets REALLY loud. So I'm off on some long-winded diatribe about how Derek Anderson screwed me over a few years ago yet I still managed to finish second somehow. And I am literally screaming (although shockingly nothing vulgar). The old man sitting in front me had heard enough.
Grumpy: Can you please keep it down? I can't even concentrate on the game because you're being so loud.
(I understand this completely and he is totally right. The other three seem to want me to talk shit back to him but two wrongs don't make a right and The Million Dollar Man ALWAYS gets his man. This is what I say.)
Drunker G$: I'm sorry. I'm just really passionate about fantasy football.
Dead serious. That was my reply. I think that he might have apologized later but he was totally right. I am very loud and no one should have to listen to someone go on and on about Derek Anderson. We get it, G$, Derek Anderson sucked. He sucked for everybody, not just you.
I ended up missing back-to-back homers by the Clippers (one from Shelly Duncan!) while standing in line for more beer. Damman and I get back to the seats and Dut and Ace are gone. There's a small but unlikely chance that they ditched us. Nope, they were back by one of those pitching games trying to throw the heat. We all ended up doing it. Damman has the best fastball in the group and Dut was shockingly second. I think that their JUGGS gun is way off because I was throwing a lot harder than 65 mph. Bullshit.
Left game early. Went to bar. Argued that Colt McCoy will never be a decent QB. Old guys realized that they had reached their limit. Dut and Ace stayed out. D and I went home. World keeps spinnin'. I woke She$ up and shoved the autographed Million Dollar Man picture in her face. She was not impressed. The end.
Great night. Money Shot Night needs to happen more often. Especially if awesome pro wrestlers from the 80's and early 90's show up. I would really, REALLY love to meet The Honky Tonk Man one of these days. Jealous? This story is EXACTLY why the internet rules. By the way, for those scoring at home, today happens to be She$ and I's 2 year anniversary. So there's that. Bye bye.