Douche Lord of the Week: The worst commissioner in fantasy football history.
Is this even legal? Remember when Freddy Adu was signed to a professional soccer contract and was the next big thing? Yeah, he died snorting coke of queers cocks in a DC alley at age 16. What's that? He still plays soccer in Europe? Well, he might as well be dead. Nobody turns their back on American soccer and gets away with it. Nobody.
But I guess the real story is that Real Madrid signed a SEVEN YEAR OLD to a professional soccer contract. A fucking seven year old. And this is commonplace, apparently, in euro soccer. Most soccer clubs have 9 and under squads so scouts can legally walk around with pedo-boners. How can seven year olds be paraded around and exploited by professional clubs but I can't watch kiddy porn? Not that I want to watch kiddy porn. But if I would want to watch kiddy porn I totes think I should be able to given this new information I have learned about Euro soccer clubs. That's bullshit. I don't want to watch kiddy porn.
And this seven year old isn't even the youngest kid to be signed by a professional club. A Dutch club signed an 18 month old. But this kid has skills:
I'm convinced that youth soccer scouting is just an extension of the Super Adventure Club. SOMEOBODY PROTECT THESE KIDS AND THEIR MARLOCKS!!!
Apes v Humans. I went and watched The Rise of the Planet of the Apes on Saturday(Happy Anniversary to me). I enjoyed it very much. It was a pretty touching movie for being about apes, probably because I would rather watch 20 humans die horrible deaths than watch one animal go down. I just wish the movie could have been rated R. PG-13 just didn't give the movie a chance to show what an Ape would really do to a human being. Have you ever seen that National Geographic show where people own wild animals? Yeah, well chimps go fucking apeshit once they get so old and start ripping people's faces off for fun. Just experiencing pure fucking pleasure while ripping someones lower jaw off. There were several points where I was angry that a human was overpowering an ape because I know damn well ape's have tard strength times 10. A real encounter would go something like this:
1. Ape throws shit at humans face.
2. As human tries to remove shit from face, Ape rips off human's genitals.
3. Ape skull fucks human to death.
4. Ape farts in human's mouth.
If I had Ape strength I would do that to Jerry Jones.
But who would really win that battle? My first instinct is obvs humans. We have guns, planes, bombs, AIDS, whatever the hell we wanted to use. But these apes can talk. They are organized. They can learn. What if they captured humans and forced them to teach the apes how to use weaponry? No. No. There is still no chance the apes win. This saddens me. Even as a human I want to find a way the apes would win. They could totally take over Europe, though. Totally.
DFL Draft predictions. Vaunted commenter Dustin is hosting the DFL draft this Saturday. And for as terrible of a commissioner/person that he is, he did make one good decision regarding the DFL; the divisional draft. The two division winners will have a reverse recess dodgeball style pick of who they want in their division. My team finished on a 5 game losing streak last year so I hope to be the first pick and use that slap in the face to motivate my team, the SNKTB's, to a DFL championship. I have a few predictions as to how this draft will go:
1. Dustin's mother will be tastefully referenced at least 30 times(29 by myself).
2. The Saul's will argue and come to blows(I will bring boxing gloves)
3. Funch will draft Denard Robinson.
4. Ide and Daniel will bid Peyton Hillis up to $60, also bid Toby Gerhart up to $40.
5. I draft Vick, one other Eagles skill player, and Eagles defense.
6. G Money drafts a Redskin...Rex Grossman, who is apparently fat, possibly(Probably had too many of Fred Smoot's SMACK energy bars.)
7. Tiki Barber and/or Terrelle Owens will get drafted.
8. Dustin will have the easiest schedule because he's a weasel.
The end is near...