Wednesday, August 10, 2011

7 Year Old Marlocks

(mmm...no marlocks in those)

Douche Lord of the Week: The worst commissioner in fantasy football history.

Is this even legal? Remember when Freddy Adu was signed to a professional soccer contract and was the next big thing? Yeah, he died snorting coke of queers cocks in a DC alley at age 16. What's that? He still plays soccer in Europe? Well, he might as well be dead. Nobody turns their back on American soccer and gets away with it. Nobody.

But I guess the real story is that Real Madrid signed a SEVEN YEAR OLD to a professional soccer contract. A fucking seven year old. And this is commonplace, apparently, in euro soccer. Most soccer clubs have 9 and under squads so scouts can legally walk around with pedo-boners. How can seven year olds be paraded around and exploited by professional clubs but I can't watch kiddy porn? Not that I want to watch kiddy porn. But if I would want to watch kiddy porn I totes think I should be able to given this new information I have learned about Euro soccer clubs. That's bullshit. I don't want to watch kiddy porn.

And this seven year old isn't even the youngest kid to be signed by a professional club. A Dutch club signed an 18 month old. But this kid has skills:
I'm convinced that youth soccer scouting is just an extension of the Super Adventure Club. SOMEOBODY PROTECT THESE KIDS AND THEIR MARLOCKS!!!

Apes v Humans. I went and watched The Rise of the Planet of the Apes on Saturday(Happy Anniversary to me). I enjoyed it very much. It was a pretty touching movie for being about apes, probably because I would rather watch 20 humans die horrible deaths than watch one animal go down. I just wish the movie could have been rated R. PG-13 just didn't give the movie a chance to show what an Ape would really do to a human being. Have you ever seen that National Geographic show where people own wild animals? Yeah, well chimps go fucking apeshit once they get so old and start ripping people's faces off for fun. Just experiencing pure fucking pleasure while ripping someones lower jaw off. There were several points where I was angry that a human was overpowering an ape because I know damn well ape's have tard strength times 10. A real encounter would go something like this:
1. Ape throws shit at humans face.
2. As human tries to remove shit from face, Ape rips off human's genitals.
3. Ape skull fucks human to death.
4. Ape farts in human's mouth.
If I had Ape strength I would do that to Jerry Jones.

But who would really win that battle? My first instinct is obvs humans. We have guns, planes, bombs, AIDS, whatever the hell we wanted to use. But these apes can talk. They are organized. They can learn. What if they captured humans and forced them to teach the apes how to use weaponry? No. No. There is still no chance the apes win. This saddens me. Even as a human I want to find a way the apes would win. They could totally take over Europe, though. Totally.

DFL Draft predictions. Vaunted commenter Dustin is hosting the DFL draft this Saturday. And for as terrible of a commissioner/person that he is, he did make one good decision regarding the DFL; the divisional draft. The two division winners will have a reverse recess dodgeball style pick of who they want in their division. My team finished on a 5 game losing streak last year so I hope to be the first pick and use that slap in the face to motivate my team, the SNKTB's, to a DFL championship. I have a few predictions as to how this draft will go:
1. Dustin's mother will be tastefully referenced at least 30 times(29 by myself).
2. The Saul's will argue and come to blows(I will bring boxing gloves)
3. Funch will draft Denard Robinson.
4. Ide and Daniel will bid Peyton Hillis up to $60, also bid Toby Gerhart up to $40.
5. I draft Vick, one other Eagles skill player, and Eagles defense.
6. G Money drafts a Redskin...Rex Grossman, who is apparently fat, possibly(Probably had too many of Fred Smoot's SMACK energy bars.)
7. Tiki Barber and/or Terrelle Owens will get drafted.
8. Dustin will have the easiest schedule because he's a weasel.

The end is near...

14 comments:

Grumpy said...

I should have stopped at the bouncing boobs. Ace is into kiddie porn? Big surprise.

Anonymous said...

We should just start calling you Mr. Ape.

I don't think that aids would work on monkeys because they pretty much invented that shit.

I'm going to get loaded at the draft. CANT WAIT.

--$

Mr. Ace said...

Do you know how many times the AIDS virus has mutated by now? Monkeys would be fucked if they got Lougayness AIDS.

Anonymous said...

It's too bad this Apes movie doesn't have Mark Wahlberg in it.

Is anyone golfing or know where we are golfing? Do we want original swisher sweets or flavored?

---Lange

Anonymous said...

It would be cool if porn companies started signing little kids based on how they thought they would like 11 years from now.....wait.

It wouldn't surprise me if some apes could take out the world in a war. We're definitely getting dumber all the time...so we are getting closer to their intelligence level.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Its calling for a wicked thunderstorm this Saturday which tells me two things. Worst draft say ever and NASCAR is for queers.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

If Dut is planning the golfing...don't plan on golfing. I asked that ass hole to send me a copy of the draft results from last year, so I could get my research on, and he still hasn't yet. I'm going to murder him in a drunken rage and bury him in his crawl space.

Drew, this has to happen. Like people just going to the orphanage and picking out the best looking kid and training them to be the next Jenna Jameson. I guarantee that's how Asians get into porn.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if I like the idea of a porn-phanage. I LOVE IT! Orphans are worthless anyway, might as well teach them how to bang.

Dut is pretty horrible with planning. How hard is it to pick a fucking golf course?

Daniel can't wait to jump on Danny Woodhead, Danny Amendola, and is Mike Furrey still around?

--$

Mr. Ace said...

If not Mike Furrey, I'm sure Blair WHITE will do.

Mr. Ace said...

And the same fagosaurus' that hadn't paid for the MSFL last week still haven't paid. Fucking pay or Lil Strut will sue your ass.

Anonymous said...

Redskins will win NFC East...halarious!

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/6849640/rex-grossman-confident-washington-redskins-win-nfc-east

Anonymous said...

Also hIlarious: your terrible spelling!

Were going to laugh at that more tomorrow.

--$

Anonymous said...

Idea for the porn-phonage. Given the little ones the choice bet suckers or bottles...whichever they prefer to suck on is which gender they are bred to do most of their porn with. Nipple bottles = lesbo porn...suckers = cocks.

I would also suggest that instead of playing in sand boxes, they are trained to ride mechanical bulls at an early age.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I interrupted my vacation for a post about soccer and a movie about apes? Expect a letter from my lawyers...Hastings and Hastings. The letter will have a picture of my lawyers flexing in torn Hulk-a-Mania Tshirts.