Friday, July 15, 2011

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?

Man, it feels like yesterday that The Big Picture was producing excellent blog content on a daily basis. But that place closed it's doors down a few years ago. I still miss it though. Their "Would You Do (different female sportscasters)" posts were tremendous. Near the end, that site started running a "Grinds My Gears" feature a la Family Guy. And today I'm going to steal that idea that they stole and use it as my own. What are they going to do to me? I am invincible!

First things first, I'm breaking my vow. As I have mentioned numerous times here in the past, after The Decision, I would never say "his" name again. Now I lasted over a year on that vow having only slipped up twice and, to be fair, I was pantspoopingly blitzed both times. But since it's been a year and the wounds are starting to heal, I think it's time to let it go. Sure, the grudge and hate will always be there for Gloria's Bastard and God knows he's earned it, but it's time for me to be the bigger man...

LeBron James. I literally cringed when I wrote that but I've got to do what I've got to do. Now that that is out of the way...YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?

Why the fuck do we have to hear about LeBron's goddamn Twitter response to every little goddamn thing that happens? Who actually cares about this? Why does his opinion matter AT ALL? Who at ESPN thought that this would be a good feature? I get it. Twitter is a big deal right now. It's not something that I will ever do (because I'm 2 cool 4 school and people that use hashtags are faggots), but I understand it's purpose. It exists for dumb people to seem dumber than usual by remarking on things that they have no clue on. Right, Rashard? If LeBron James takes five minutes away from sucking his own cock to watch the end of a World Cup game and to "add" to the drama with a "USA! HOPE SOLO!", what is the purpose? Athlete Tweets are even less relevant to anything than Mr. Ace's dick. Completely worthless.

It's just so random and nonsensical. Does it matter what LeBron (or any other athlete for that matter) thinks about Derek Jeter's 3000th hit? No it does not. I guess that I shouldn't blame him though (for once). This is clearly ESPN trying to be hip and cool again yet they continue to miss the mark. They probably think that it is harmless and fun but it is not. It is both dangerous to people with suicidal tendencies and more boring than church. But what else would you expect from the people who recently brought us the cultural cesspool known as Grantland (which is TERRIBLE, Chuck Klosterman is a goddamn ferry) AND removed the announce team from the celebrity softball game in lieu of Erin Andrews trying to do play by play while managing the American League. WHERE THE FUCK WAS GARY THORNE and why was nobody telling me who the celebrities actually were! Totally ruined that game for me which I usually love. Fuck James Denton, too, but you already knew that.  FUCK YOU, ESPN, FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUU!

Either way, I would just like to go a month without hearing from ESPN what LeBron James thinks about something not pertaining to basketball. I only listen to people with rings...which is why I still have Donyell Marshall's cell phone number in my phone. I have no idea if he ever won a ring, but I just wanted to remind people that I have D-Marsh's digits.

That's it for me this week. I'm heading up to the true gem of the Midwest, Put-In-Bay, tomorrow for K-Dog's bachelor party. I'm jacked as I haven't been up there for a few years. And yes, we are staying in an actual haunted house. Seriously. Black's family house on the island is haunted. Just ask The Dutchman (who will hopefully tell some tales in the comments regarding the ghosts of the Thompson House). I've heard plenty of stories of him freaking the fuck out in that place. But that's where the booze comes in, my good man. See you on Monday...hopefully I'll still be drunk.

15 comments:

Grumpy said...

How you going to get strippers on an island?

Anonymous said...

Good question. As long as you believe that all bitches are strippers after copious amounts of drinks, then I'm sure it won't be a challenge to see some tits. But then again, with the crew of meatheads and convicted felon that I'm meeting up, you never know what's going to happen.

--$

Anonymous said...

Speaking of having athlete's phone numbers - I have Drew Gooden's. Have some good prank stories from having his number.

Seal

Anonymous said...

G$, you are correct; the "Thompson House" (Black's great-great-great-grandma's house) is haunted. The first time I slept there was @ 1999, I was sleeping in the downstairs bedroom, which is directly left of the front door. Before, I went to bed, I locked the front door of the house and closed the bedroom door and locked it as well. The doors have old brass door handles.
The house is really old, there are six or seven bedrooms, and it has four stories. This house is so old that all of the electrical (switches, lights, receptacles) are on the outside of the wall, in conduit. The house's d├ęcor is straight from 1901, nothing has changed, and everything is old and rustic. It is like sleeping in a house at Sauder’s Village, in Archbold.
That night, "The French Canadian," Black was passed out in the same room I was. We were the only young people there. There were a couple old people staying there. The people were in their 80’s and were somehow related to Black.
Around 4 a.m., I started to hear the door handle jiggling; this went on for a few minutes. The creepy part was that I heard no footsteps coming or going down the old wooden hallway. I tried waking up Black but due to the massive amount of Jaeger Bombs consumed, it was not going to happen. I would be dammed if I was going to get out of bed and turn on the lights to investigate. I somehow managed to fall asleep later.
I woke up in the morning to find the bedroom door completely wide open, that earlier was closed and locked. I can swear that Black never got up that night. I cannot explain what happened that night and why the door was wide open in the morning. From then on, I usually resort to sleeping on a daybed in the screened in front porch. Recently, I have chosen to drink until I pass out. I would rather deal with a hangover than be scared.
In addition, to add to the story Thompson House legend...Black’s cousin "Jim" died in the first floor bathroom as few summers ago. The bathroom is so small that they found him slouching up against the wall a few days later.
G$, take my advice and get so fucked up, you pass out! Dealing with the hangover the next day is better than taking the chance of being sodomized by and angry spirit. Enjoy!

-The Dutchman

Anonymous said...

I value your advice on drunkenly dealing with the paranormal. The "slumping jimmy" story still freaks me out. He was found days later dead in the shitter STANDING UP!

--$

Anonymous said...

I recommend watching Paranormal Activity before going to the Island.

What's the over/under on fat chicks damman hooks up with?

Dut

Anonymous said...

I hope a ghost fucks G$ right in his ass.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Would I feel it? I don't think that a ghost dick could do much since its pretty much air. I could be getting ghost-raped right now and not even know.

Dut, that's simple. The over/under is 1.5.

--$

Anonymous said...

I also hope G$ gets ghost raped in the ass. Fuck that guy.

Snakes

Grumpy said...

Why does everyone want to see G$ ass raped? He provides daily entertainment and a forum for your sophomoric comments.

Dut should be ass raped.

Prime99 said...

It would be hilarious if Patrick Swayze's ghost found its way there for the weekend.

The LBJ stuff reminds me of Dave Chappelle's bit about Ja Rule being interviewed about 9/11. Why the fuck do we care what these fucks think about anything?!

Anonymous said...

Its impossible to ass rape a man if he has an insatiable lust for having his butthole caved in. Dut and I are like two peas in a rainbow pod.

--Shook's Son

Anonymous said...

Grumpy....if getting your butt fucked kept someone from making blog posts, then there would never be anything on this site on Wednesdays. It won't hurt G$'s blogging abilities if he gets ass raped by a ghost.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Just heard from Damman...he got listen to his ex-con roommate for the weekend fuck some skank last night. Suddenly, ghost rape sort of sounds pleasant.

--$

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