Monday, July 11, 2011

Yes, We're Talking 3000 Today

"This guy's dead!"  "Cross him off then."
Months ago, my younger cousin had planned a weekend trip to NYC.  Being a Yankees fan, he made sure to get tickets to a game while he was there (as I'm not sure if he'd been to the new stadium yet).  He bought tickets for Saturday afternoon.  Through sheer luck and a well-timed stint on the DL, he was in the building for history.  If I actually talked to him more often than two times per year, I would ask him to write up what it was like to be there for something so historic.  But instead we will just have to imagine that it was awesome and something that you will never ever forget.  And because he was there, my cousin just totally leapfrogged me in the latest rankings of "Coolest Family Member".  I had held the top spot for over 30 years...but I'm ready to reclaim the throne.

So Derek Jeter did it.  3000 hits.  What a tremendous accomplishment.  While he is obviously on the downside of his career right now, I can honestly say that I've never met anyone who didn't respect The Captain.  Whether it be how he has approached the game and played hard every day for almost 20 years now or the amount of insane Hollywood ass that he's crushed, no one hates Derek Jeter.  He might be the last athlete that gets this sort of treatment actually.

I have been listening to Damman whine about the coverage of this monumental event over the past week.  I'd guess that his issue was more with ESPN than the man himself, but let's make D feel like an idiot nonetheless.

1. This was a BIG DEAL.  They've been playing the game for around 125 years and only 26 (not counting Raffy Palmeiro) have ever hit 3000.  It happens about once every five years.  That makes it significant.
2. The Yankees are the best franchise in the history of sports.  This is not debatable.  But no player had ever accomplished this.  Again, that makes it significant.
3. No one gives a flying fuck about Justin Masterson throwing 8 great innings.  That is pointless.  Jeter getting one hit closer, that is news.  You know this.  The Prog wasn't nearly sold out for that three game series to see Josh Tomlin, bitch.
4. Last time I checked, you don't HAVE to watch ESPN.  Ever.  I watched an Indiana Jones marathon TWICE this weekend.  It was wonderful.  And you and I both know that there was a Rocky marathon on last Monday.  If you keeping watching the Worldwide Leader, they are just going to assume that you like what they're doing.  So, in essence, you are to blame!
5. DJ has never had one ounce of scandal surrounding him.  Ever.  Again, what is wrong with giving him a ton of publicity?
6. Dude, it's New York and it's ESPN.  They are going to hammer this story and hammer it hard.  Did they cover Craig Biggio as much 4 years ago as they did now?  No, but they did treat it like the achievement that it is.  But face it, Craig Biggio isn't interesting and Jeter is.
7. Finally, what else are they supposed to talk about.  I would rather take an entire hour dedicated to Derek Jeter than listen to Bob Ley and Tony DiCicco mouth-fart women's World Cup highlights.  The dueling lockouts?  Ohio State football shitheadery?  July is always a boring month for sports.  You should be thankful that there was actually something important and significant going on right now.

If you didn't like the chase for 3000 this time around, just wait until the next most likely candidate approaches the milestone.  That would be none other than Baseball Jesus himself, Alex Rodriguez, who should get there in early 2013.  After that, it's going to be awhile.  Pujols is still 5-6 years away at least.  So if you got nauseaus over Derek Jeter, just remember that it WILL get worse for you.  So embrace this.

After all, hasn't Jeter been getting hammered ALL YEAR about his lack of production?  How he shouldn't be hitting leadoff?  How Eduardo Nunez should be the shortstop?  How he shouldn't be an all-star?  Yeah, give him his two weeks in the positive spotlight.  The guy fucking deserves it.  He's earned the accolades.  Fuckers.

A few other baseball-related notes:
*Uh oh - That really is a terrible story from Texas with Josh Hamilton murdering that guy in front of his son.  It's really important now for Hammy to stay clean.  I can make jokes at his past because he brought that on himself, but it would really, really suck to see a relapse because of this accident.
*Umpires - Look, umpiring is ridiculously difficult to do and no one is ever going to get all the calls right.  This appears to be the annual time of year where people are whining.  95% of these guys do an outstanding job.  Here is my solution to fix the 5%...put them all on the same crew.  Joe West, Angel "The Worst" Hernandez, CB Bucknor, and Greg Gibson are all together that way it's just one terrible crew instead of them dragging others down with them.  There, just solved that problem.  Or, you know, MLB could fire them but I guess that that would be too hard or something.
*Bet on the NL - No Mo, Jeter, or A-Rod tomorrow night?  Fuck that.  Jhonny Peralta doesn't belong.  I can't blame the guys though.  Would you rather go to Phoenix for three days and risk running into TMS Arizona correspondent, Reba, or plow Minka Kelly for 72 straight hours? 

Congratulations, Derek Jeter, you earned this.  You've been a great player and a role model for 17 years.  I look forward to your first ballot hall of fame induction in 7-8 years.  To the rest of you idiots, please don't watch the Home Run Derby tonight.  It is fucking lame.  Watch the Celebrity Softball Game instead.  Jon Hamm for MVP (if he's playing)!

19 comments:

Grumpy said...

Can I get a refund on my subscription?

The Iceman said...

Indians fans are great. So far I'm in line to win about $100 based on dumbass bets made on delusions of Cleveland winning that division. Thanks for the Bluray player guys!

Anonymous said...

Grump, your check for "nothing" is in the mail. Open it carefully though because I soaked it in a toilet for the last 2 days.

Iceman, how can the Indians be expected to compete when Lonnie Chisenhall's call-up wasn't covered by ESPN!!!

--$

Anonymous said...

Fuck that mulatto faggot.

Also, why doesn't Rafael Palmeiro count?

A-Rod won't make it to 3,000 with his steroid beaten down body breaking down like it is.
Red Sox are gonna pull away from you fools over the next 4-6 weeks.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Listen. I fuckin hate baseball. That's no secret. And if I hate baseball and recognize how big of a deal this is historically AND actually paid attention to it then you know its huge news and should be covered as such. The fact that no other Yankee in the history of baseball reached 3,000 is incredible. You know God damn well if this were Omar Vizquel or someone else who wore/wears an Indians uniform, Damman would be lubing up and jackin his little weenus to all the coverage it would get. 3,000 is a really big deal.

Mr. Ace said...

The only reason I remotely like Jeter is because I can claim him as a Michigan guy.
Can we trade Derek Jeter and bring back Bernie Mac? I'd be for that.

Why aren't we talking Women's Soccer?

Anonymous said...

Fuck! I had a big reply but my phone wouldn't post it.

Jeter is the best SS in the last 50 years. Period.

A-Rods going to get there soon. He only needs 200 or so.

Rupena is hotter than Hope Solo. Yeah, I said it. But I still want them to lose.

Drew is a zambo (I believe that is old timey for half mex/half black).

--$

Anonymous said...

I'll ask again....why doesn't Palmeiro count?

I didn't watch a second of that soccer game, but the highlights were pretty cool. I'll watch the championship game if they win on Wednesday to get there.

Dut...feels good being in first place at the all-star break doesn't it? That's not something G$ or the Tribe fans here can say.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Palmiero doesn't count because he shoots roids into his penis veins.

Anonymous said...

I can live with the cheating for Raffy just don't lie about it when you get caught. That's all.

I said from the start that Boston would win the division. We're're going to the playoffs anyway so what does it matter. Its not like we're going to spray champagne on the fans after winning the division series. Whoops.

--$

Anonymous said...

So, Raffy doesn't count cuz' he lied?

Nobody's gonna give a fuck about A-Rod because he used roids too.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$ is correct, my beef is not with Jeter, but with the blowhards at ESPN. Did you know Jeter saved a kitten from a burning tree after leaving the stadium on Saturday?

Omar Vizquel=HOF

I look forward to yearly Tiger 2nd half collapse to allow the Indians to become the feel good story of the year. I can confirm Dut also is expecting a Tiger collapse, don't let him fool you.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

Hilarious that the guy who caught hit 3000 returned the ball to Jeter. No chance Any fan does that for a less likable guy (Barry Bonds anyone?)

I was at the sports book at the Reno Peppermill both Saturday and Sunday mornings but left right before both Jeter's 3000 and the US W soccer goal. I blame the whiskey from the night before. So hungover both days.

Anonymous said...

Maybe, Drew, but the Andy Pettitte approach to dealing with this is CLEARLY better and more well-received than the Clemens approach.

Palmeiro is never getting in because of it.

Jeter would never save a cat because cats are gay and he doesn't want to anger our old buddy, Russian Cat Killer.

--$

Anonymous said...

Drew- you are correct.. First place never felt so good! Maybe that's just because I'm commenting from the beach and with a bud light in my hand?

I made a bet with Damman that the Tigers will finish with a better record than the WIndians. Easiest 20$ ever? Easiest 20$ ever.

G$- is your mother coming to myrtle beach again this year? I need something to look at all day and that would hit the spot.

Dut

Anonymous said...

The Maumee River has beaches?

-Ide

Anonymous said...

Easy there, Dut. But yes, she will be there on saturday I think.

--$

Anonymous said...

Without power in the office for the last two hours. No ac. I am fucking rank!

--$

Anonymous said...

Quit your bitchin'.

--Drew