Thursday, July 07, 2011

More Tips For Being A Shallow Man

Probably not named Judy.
There still isn't very much going on in the world of athletic competition (I'm looking at you, NFL), so I must dip back into my treasure trove of tremendous post ideas. Today will be no exception. After yesterday's post (and this week's site banner dedication) about the Canadian Crippler Casey Anthony and her bizarre trash-hotness, it got me thinking. Can you tell if a chick is hot based solely on a first name? Like I said, I knew nothing about this kid-kill case until Tuesday yet I had a pre-conceived notion that Casey was decent-looking just because I can see "Casey" being the name of a hot girl. Can't you? Also, tonight is the season premiere of the classic, BIG BROTHER. And since I have only seen the bios of this year's houseguests and not the pics, I am going in blind as to who will be spank bank material. But you can tell a lot by names. So as sort of a bastard sister to me post last month about stupid boy's names, today I unveil my list of hottest and ugliest girl's names.

Obviously, there has yet to be an attractive person named Ruth or Myrtle or Jean so we are going to throw those older school names out. We're also not going to use Skyler this time since Dut wants to name his future gay, lesion-covered son that even though it's a terrible name for any sex. Basically, this is how it works. Someone somewhere for some reason holds me in a dungeon and says that I have to bang some really hot chick to get out. The only rule is that he will only give me a name and I have to choose based on the name alone. If I fail, I don't know, i have to perform in donkey shows for the next decade or something. I would nail this choice because I have it all figured out. I guess you could also use this as a guidebook to ensure that your future daughter doesn't become hideous from day one, too. We're going to break this down into a "half empty" list and a "half full" list.

Half Empty AKA Uggo Names:
*Jody - Naptown Wolverine once buggered a girl named Jody. That is all you need to know. His story about the event is great though as it ends with "so I threw it in her butt". The man is all class.
*Sophie - This seems to be the name du jour these days and I have no idea why. It's gross. Sophie is fine when you are a kid but who wants to be called that when they are a teenager (same with Zoey). Those are kid names and unless you're Li'l Strut, no one wants to fuck a little girl.
*Morgan - The term "Power Bush" comes to mind with this name. It is not a pleasant thought.
*Leah - Wake me when she's named Leia and making out with her brother to piss off Harrison Ford.
*Emma/Eva - These are popular now. However "E" is a gay letter. And these are potential stripper names.  I consider these "fake hot" names.  They are there to fool you.  I will not be made a fool.
*Megan - Ugh. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. Just say that name. Say it. How ugly does that name sound? Awful, huh? Granted, Meg Griffin and the writers of Family Guy did a lot to make this name horrible, but they didn't have to do that much. If you name your daughter, Megan, congratulations because in 18 years she will be the goalie on a club field hockey team who needs to get special order shorts due to her redwood-sized hips.  A hot Megan appears about as often as a total eclipse (of the heart).

Half Full AKA Pants Tent Names:
*Jessica - The hot/not hot ratio on this name probably used to be better a decade ago, but I still like those odds.
*Brittney - What can I say, my bone will never forget the "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Oops I Did It Again" videos.
*Jamie - I'm not really sure why this name is fading. You've got a better than 60% chance of having a cute daughter with a name like that.
*Nikki/Nicole - You know what, no. Fuck Nicole. If you were born a Nicole and didn't adopt Nikki with 2 k's, you can get fucked. Prudes go by Nicole. Nikki's are down with a little slap and tickle.
*anything that ends with -ica - Danica, Erica, Veronica, Angelica...that's a solid suffix right there. Fun un-Fact: 85% of porn stars end their first name with -ica.
*anything that ends with -ara - Another good suffix. There are too many Sara's so there is bound to be a few turds that spoil that attractive punch bowl. But Tara and Kara are also solid hot chick names. There was a Kara in Iceman's class that was possibly the biggest whore of all time. Come to think of it, there was a Sarah in my class who was also the biggest whore of all time! And as long as you aren't white, Mr. Ace knows another Sara that knows how to work a shaft!  -ara's will treat you right!
*Lindsey - Have you ever met a hideous Lindsey? No, you have not. Why? Because they don't exist. Every Lindsey is good looking and drives a Jetta. That's a fucking fact.

Mmmmmm imaginary Lindsey...you never disappoint. Thoughts? Additions? Subtractions? The Pythagorean Theorem? Whatevs, just enjoy yourself some Julie Chen tonight. MEOW MEOW.

21 comments:

Grumpy said...

Gabi, Courtney. Both give me wood.

Mr. Ace said...

Grumpy has jokes.

Anonymous said...

I figured that someone would be a comedian. I didn't think it would be the guy with the basketball-sized prostate.

That's enough of that.

--$

Anonymous said...

I know a couple gross Lindsey's...but I do know some hot ones too.

Brooke's are usually pretty hot.

I started running through porn star names in my head and your "85% -ica" stat is complete bull-shit.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Nice call Grumpy!

I have taken multiple Megans to pound town (one was named Meg Griffin!), and they were all hot. With that being said, I would put Megan somewhere in the middle. I know a lot of hot and not hot Megans.

I might attempt to get into Big Brother this year. I have actually never watched a single episode.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Prepare to be impressed, Dut. The show is so dumb that it rules. Sort of like Jersey Shore.

Drew, my stats are accurate. And while there are bound to be a few awful lindseys, for the most part, that name will never disappoint.

Megan is just such a disgusting name. You got lucky.

--$

Prime99 said...

I know hot versions of all the uggo names you listed. That said, it's decently accurate when looking at the majority.

Isn't Casey more of a baseball player's name rather than a hot girls name?

Anonymous said...

I agree with you on Jessica and Nikki. After thinking back on all the Jessica's and Nikki's that I have known in my day, I would definitely choose one of those names if placed in your hypothetical situation.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Oh kara kara kara. How could I forget. The captain of the football team once finger blasted her in the middle of biology lab one table in front of me. He proudly turned around and asked me if I wanted to smell...I politely declined fearing the stench would burn my nose off. By the time that chick graduated I'm sure her snatch looked like the under belly of an octopuss.

Theresa is an absolutely hideous name & I cringe at the sound of it. It sounds like a fat red head. My sophomore year in college I met the hottest chick I had ever seen. I asked her what her name was and she replied with "barb". I laughed in her face and said, "parents still name their kids after 60 year old nuns?" She slapped me in the face and never talked to me again...which was fine because with a name like fucking barb, she probably had a dick anyway.

The Iceman said...

Excuse me...FUTURE captain of the football team. We were sophomores when the biology stunt went down.

Anonymous said...

Kara was such a whore. Did she cross racial lines? I like to think that she did which is always a popular practice in rural Ohio.

Is Erin a hot name? I want to think that it is. How about Beth? I think that that used to be hot but is now moving more to the Uggo side.

--$

Anonymous said...

I think Erin is a pretty hot name....know a lot of really good looking Erin's.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Oh did she ever cross over the lines. Black and mexican. One instance produced this verbal gem. I will change names in order to avoid any possible backlash. Over at my usual high school hangout:

"What's wrong with you? Why are you walking like that?"

"My pussy hurts. LaCharles doesn't know how to fuck."

Then about 20 minutes after that exchange a nameless football player attemtped to hook up with her and was quickly denied. Sometimes I miss high school...

The Iceman said...

For some reason when I hear the name beth it makes me think of hot dogs....

Anonymous said...

As well it should, Ice, as well it should.

--$

Prime99 said...

The question is, if you find a name you believe is hot, would you name your daughter that name. They might be hot, but then they could also be a skank. Tough call.

Anonymous said...

Iceman, I believe I know of the Barb that you speak of. She was on my floor at Offenhaur and she was indeed a cunt, though she was smoking hot. I came home drunk on like a Wednesday night and pounded on her door and asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime...On second thought, maybe the fact that she was a cunt to me makes more sense now,

-Damman

Anonymous said...

There was a time you weren't snagging middle aged divorcees? Dubious.

-Ide

The Iceman said...

Damman. You are spot on my friend. We speak of the same chick residing in offenhaur. Robocunt all the way. She was in a sorority...which makes sense. Fucking barb...I have a feeling the dad named her that on purpose. No one wants to fuck a barb.

After writing that and reading what prime had to say...I may actually consider naming my fictional daughter barb. Or bertha. Just so she doesn't have to fight off the awkward drunken hookup attempts from guys like drew. If you pick a gross enough name I think that's a pretty solid form of birth control.

Anonymous said...

Phyllis is the ultimate boner-shrinking name because it's one syllable short of a dripping dick.

--$

Anonymous said...

Mulva?