|Probably not named Judy.|
Obviously, there has yet to be an attractive person named Ruth or Myrtle or Jean so we are going to throw those older school names out. We're also not going to use Skyler this time since Dut wants to name his future gay, lesion-covered son that even though it's a terrible name for any sex. Basically, this is how it works. Someone somewhere for some reason holds me in a dungeon and says that I have to bang some really hot chick to get out. The only rule is that he will only give me a name and I have to choose based on the name alone. If I fail, I don't know, i have to perform in donkey shows for the next decade or something. I would nail this choice because I have it all figured out. I guess you could also use this as a guidebook to ensure that your future daughter doesn't become hideous from day one, too. We're going to break this down into a "half empty" list and a "half full" list.
Half Empty AKA Uggo Names:
*Jody - Naptown Wolverine once buggered a girl named Jody. That is all you need to know. His story about the event is great though as it ends with "so I threw it in her butt". The man is all class.
*Sophie - This seems to be the name du jour these days and I have no idea why. It's gross. Sophie is fine when you are a kid but who wants to be called that when they are a teenager (same with Zoey). Those are kid names and unless you're Li'l Strut, no one wants to fuck a little girl.
*Morgan - The term "Power Bush" comes to mind with this name. It is not a pleasant thought.
*Leah - Wake me when she's named Leia and making out with her brother to piss off Harrison Ford.
*Emma/Eva - These are popular now. However "E" is a gay letter. And these are potential stripper names. I consider these "fake hot" names. They are there to fool you. I will not be made a fool.
*Megan - Ugh. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. Just say that name. Say it. How ugly does that name sound? Awful, huh? Granted, Meg Griffin and the writers of Family Guy did a lot to make this name horrible, but they didn't have to do that much. If you name your daughter, Megan, congratulations because in 18 years she will be the goalie on a club field hockey team who needs to get special order shorts due to her redwood-sized hips. A hot Megan appears about as often as a total eclipse (of the heart).
Half Full AKA Pants Tent Names:
*Jessica - The hot/not hot ratio on this name probably used to be better a decade ago, but I still like those odds.
*Brittney - What can I say, my bone will never forget the "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and "Oops I Did It Again" videos.
*Jamie - I'm not really sure why this name is fading. You've got a better than 60% chance of having a cute daughter with a name like that.
*anything that ends with -ica - Danica, Erica, Veronica, Angelica...that's a solid suffix right there. Fun un-Fact: 85% of porn stars end their first name with -ica.
*anything that ends with -ara - Another good suffix. There are too many Sara's so there is bound to be a few turds that spoil that attractive punch bowl. But Tara and Kara are also solid hot chick names. There was a Kara in Iceman's class that was possibly the biggest whore of all time. Come to think of it, there was a Sarah in my class who was also the biggest whore of all time! And as long as you aren't white, Mr. Ace knows another Sara that knows how to work a shaft! -ara's will treat you right!
*Lindsey - Have you ever met a hideous Lindsey? No, you have not. Why? Because they don't exist. Every Lindsey is good looking and drives a Jetta. That's a fucking fact.
Mmmmmm imaginary Lindsey...you never disappoint. Thoughts? Additions? Subtractions? The Pythagorean Theorem? Whatevs, just enjoy yourself some Julie Chen tonight. MEOW MEOW.