Tuesday, July 26, 2011

FOOTBAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!


Lance Armstong must be proud.
YEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!  These buttholes finally figured it out!  While most of you were laughing at The Iceman yesterday, the NFL was busy ending this stupid fucking lockout.  Terrific.  Now we can all get on with our smear-the-queer-loving lives.  Peter King can start writing about football instead of referencing things that Hitler did.  Trent Dilfer can go back to smelling his own farts on the air.  Random analysts can focus on calling Matt Hasselbeck "Matthew" for no apparent reason instead of "Who cares, this guy fucking sucks anyway".  It's back.  It's fucking back. 

So what does it all mean?  What will happen now?  What do we need to remember?  Well, let me tell you.

1. Baseball is fucked.  Welcome back to the JV roster, baseball.
2. We need to all remember how much we hate Steelers fans.
3. Jay Cutler is still a pussy who quit on his team in the NFC Championship game.
4. Gambling is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!  In fact, Vegas released college football team win totals yesterday (Boise State over 10.5 wins is a fucking lock).  Do you remember sweet, sweet wagering?  I barely do since I haven't done it since the Super Bowl (with the exception of the NHL All Star Game).  Wait a minute, did the government shut any of these sites down like they did with the poker sites?  Holy fuck, they better not have.  -Rex is my internet gambling expert, get on this.
5. It's time to focus on FANTASY FOOTBALL.  I had a nice conversation with GSaul recently pretty much agreeing that we would die without fantasy football.  Never fear though because it's back and will be just as great as ever.  And do not worry your stupid ugly heads because Fantasy Football Friday will return as this site's Friday feature beginning next week.  These are always some of my favorite posts to write.

There.  Now are you ready?  You don't need some dumbass Hank Williams Jr song to get ready for football.  All you need to remember is no more baseball, fuck the Steelers, Cuntler, point spreads, and that greatest activity ever that an old fuck like Grumpy will never understand.  Done.  Let's do this.

Now for the interactive portion of this post.  Let's see, readers of this site happen to be Skins, Eagles, Browns, Bingles, Lions, Bills, Steelers, Falcons, Bears, etc fans.  What is the first move that you would like your team's front office to make?

For the Skins, it seems like they are hell-bent on getting Santanio Holmes first.  Nothing like throwing big money at a guy who is one incident away from a one year suspension.  Sure, he's awesome and would look great next to Leonard Hankerson The Christmas Poo, but I'm conditioned to believe that anyone that signs with the Redskins will be terrible.  But my wish is for them to trade McNabb first.  He sucks but he's still better than Kevin Kolb.  No more Uncle Toms on my team.  I want thugs...and John Beck!  That being said, if your favorite team gives you the call to make the first move of the frantic free agency period, what are you doing?

Raise your hand if you find it hilarious that Terrelle Pryor probably won't even be able to "play" in the NFL this year.  What a cocksucker.  Welcome back, NFL.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

The Falcons need to go after some LB'S or DB's. They have the offense to win it all, they just need to fill some spots on D.

NW

Grumpy said...

The Steelers need to keep Ike Taylor. Then it's on to their 4th Super Bowl in the last 7 years. Suck it Bitches.

Fantasy football is ruining the next generation of fans. You're all pussies.

Anonymous said...

Steelers are white trash and their fans are even worse. Fact.

Another fun fact about Steeler fans: All of them are gay or inbred and most likely have father issues.

Ide

The Iceman said...

The Browns need wide receivers...and if they go after fucking TO, I quit. I don't know where these rumors are coming from but I dry heave at the thought of that fuck on my team. A ball hawking safety would also be nice since we already have a safety back there that can fucking dust people.

Have you ever tried playing fantasy football Grumpy?

Grumpy said...

No, I want to spend my Sundays watching and enjoying the games, not watching split screens so I can keep up on the stats of some running back I don't care about.

Anonymous said...

I like fantasy baseball and basketball way more than fantasy football.

I'd like to see the Lions sign Jonathon Joseph, but it sounds like that will be tough...but that would be the best thing we could do in my opinion.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Pryor might sue the NFL. It worked so well the last time a disgraced Buckeye did it!

Grump, you overestimate how much fantasy weighs on your fanhood. Even me, a guy who roots for a terrible franchise, pulls for the Skins first and my "players" second.

By the way, to get this infamous pic, I had to google "Santonio nude shower". It was extremely unpleasant.

--$

MuDawgfan said...

NW is correct, Falcons need depth on defense.
If obtaining a top flight DE isn't feasible (Edwards or Johnson), they'll need to resign their offensive lineman that they deem worthy and work to improve the passrush through improved Linebacking speed.
Obtaining Nnandi is a pipedream and likely a non-starter. However, DB help wouldn't hurt as Brent Grimes had an incredible year in 2010 but he likely won't repeat it in 2011.

The Iceman said...

I'm not one of those guys either, Grump. I'm a Browns fan first. I have my laptop open on the ESPN fantasy page while I watch the Browns get their dicks stomped in. That way whenever one of my fantasy player (or player of the team I'm playing against) scores, it will alert me and I can glance over to see who it was and the updated score of my game.

The only time I flip channels is to FOX for the other game when the Browns are on commercial. Then obviously I watch all the late games and flip between the two since I don't have a vested interest in either team.

You should give it a shot sometime...especially since your NFL team has a few good fantasy contributers. It's more fun than you think...and you can win money doing it. And who hates money?

Anonymous said...

I'm still perplexed on how the first thing G$ thought of with the lifting of the lockout was a picture of a naked (black) Santonio Holmes (Buckeye). What a fag.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Obvs the Eagles trade Kolb for Rodgers-Cromartie and a draft pick. DCR is Asante 2.0. I think the Eagles will make a run at Nnamdi or Joseph either way. I just hope the Cowboys don't get him.

Eagles also need to get some Dline help.

And of course, Brett Favre.

I haven't heard any rumors or anything, but I wouldn't mind the Eagles taking a flyer on Vince Young and giving him a couple years to develop and see what happens.

Anonymous said...

I heard the Browns might be interested in Plax. Sign me up.

Phil Taylor (DT Baylor) and Jabaal Sheard will F'n dominate the AFC North this year. There is no need to sign anyone else. SUPERBOWL R BUST.

I can't wait to see Peyton Hillis truck stick pussies all season.

What's the over/under on Browns wins this year? 11?

Dut

Anonymous said...

The over/under on length of time it would take for Plax's agent to hang up on Mike Holmgren is 3.5 seconds.

Ace, you would be a terrible GM.

Drew doesn't like fantasy football because he fucking blows at it. Harsh but true.

--$

Mr. Ace said...

Why am I a terrible GM? Because I want to sign 3 cornerbacks and 2 shitty QB's? I would dominate the G$FL.

BTW, you're going straight to hell, like today, for your DFL team name.

Prime99 said...

O-Line help, Sidney Rice and a diabetic hot chick for newly single Jay Cutler. I blame "The Hills" for pussifying Cutler. Yeah that's the ticket!

Acquisitions like those would make Lovie Smith smile.

Anonymous said...

I don't like fantasy football as much as baseball or basketball, because there is no grind to it. You pretty much draft yoru team and then set your line-ups for one day a week. I like the daily transactions and such in the other two much more than basically the two step process of drafting and setting a lineup.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Prime....the Bears just signed WR Dane Sanzenbacher from OSU. He's awesome...you should be happy about that.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Why can I not find the fucking over/under NFL/NCAA win lines anywhere? Where the fuck are they?

MuDawgfan said...

Who will be the big winner in the Brady Quinn sweepstakes?

Prime99 said...

Who wouldn't be happy with an under 6 ft tall white WR in the NFL?!

Seriously though, if he fills a Wes Welker type role- I'm in.

Grumpy said...

Ok, I'm willing to try. Is G$ going to invite me to participate in his league? The draft sounds like fun anyway, food, drink and watching Mr. Ace and Drew play grab ass.

Anonymous said...

Demetrius Stanley just said he would put his money that 4th 5th and 6th round players are better than 1st and 2nd round players. Remove him from the radio please.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Grump, you will be dead before there is an opening in the G$FL.

Ace, cowherd was talking about them yesterday. I think he found them at nostatetaxes.com.

Dane sucks and will never see the field for you, Prime. Happy?

READ THIS:
I just had a lengthy text-a-thon with Dut who said he needs to move the DFL Draft date already. Why? Because that homo is going to the night race at Bristol. He'll try to church it up with visions of some sort of VIP experience, but he still chose cars over football. Biggest queer ever?

--$

Anonymous said...

http://www.sportsmemo.com/blogs/view/?name=Las-Vegas-Hilton-2011-College-Football-Season-Over/Under-Wins&blog_id=7462

There you go Ace. You ever heard of Google?

7 wins is o/u for Michigan. HAHAHAHahAHaHAHAHAHahahahahahahahahahahah

Dut

Anonymous said...

G$- you left out the juicy details such as watching the race in a VIP suite, free food/booze, Carl edwards meet/greet, helicopter transport to the race, free hotel, etc.

Let's go racin! Booogity boogity boogity!

Dut

Anonymous said...

What a shitty league anyways. Didn't some asshole take Vince Young for $12 last year?

Mr. Ace said...

I think I am quitting the DFL if the shit show is starting before the fucking draft. Especially after last years debacle. I think I should start an AceFL with only Money Shot commenters....

Prime99 said...

Carl Edwards meet and great? You'd have to pay to show up to something so dumb.

I'm down for a new fantasy league, but it would have to be an online draft since the next time I plan on going to Ohio is to have my ashes scattered at West Elementary.

Mr. Ace said...

WEST IS THE BEST!

Hmm, this could be done. ESPN has an online auction draft that I did for another league a couple years ago and it worked really well. And the smack talk would be fucking amazing.

Anonymous said...

"Carl Edwards meet and greet"....HAHAHAHHAHA. I'd rather meet Alexis at Kahoot's.

Prime....Sanzenbacher is better than Welker already. Welker wouldn't have been team MVP of last year's OSU team.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

"Prime....Sanzenbacher is better than Welker already. Welker wouldn't have been team MVP of last year's OSU team."

Drew, that is dangerously close to Douche Lord of the Week material. You've been warned.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that I'm not the only laughing at "Carl Edwards meet and greetal bragging. Don't you see? DUT SUCKS!!!

Blog league is intriguing, I suppose.

--$

Grumpy said...

I think Drew is right, Sanzenbacher will make it and be a Welker/white guy on the Colts whose name I can't remember type of receiver.

Anonymous said...

http://a.espncdn.com/photo/2011/0726/pg2_flowb_sy_576.jpg

This flow chart pretty much sums up todays topic.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Did I say Carl Edwards? I meant Carl Edwards wife!

Dut

Anonymous said...

Ace....I could go all Mendenhall if I wanted and Iceman still would have locked up the Douche Lord award yesterday.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Commenters fantasy football league? I'm in. What's the entry fee and when's the draft?