Wednesday, July 20, 2011

A Big Ben Wedding ACEterview

(Big Ben has upped his game with chloroform. Nicely done)

Douche Lord of the Week: Given the topic for today, I think Grumpy should retake his throne as grey dick lover on The Money Shot banner.

Tillman Story. Before we get to the fun time... I would strongly recommend that you watch The Tillman Story about the late, great Pat Tillman. It delves into his personal life, family, football, and, of course, what happened while he was an Army Ranger. It's crazy. It's scary. It's awesome. You need to watch it.

Fun Time. Big Ben is getting married this Saturday. Maybe he thinks getting married will make people think he is a changed man. Maybe he really did find Jesus and is a changed man. Maybe his repulsive grey dick is content with one vagina for the rest of its life. But I expect Ben to be back raping in full force by next summer. Maybe his new bride will join in.

But nobody has been able to get any information on the wedding. Of course, being Mr. Ace, I snagged an interview with the wedding planner.
Mr. Ace: Good day, young lady. Has your vagina been safe through this process?
Wedding Planner: Well, yes. Why would you ask such a thing?
ACE: I'm sure you know this, but ol' grey dick has a hankering for getting pussy the hard way.
WP: I can assure you he has put that behind him. But I have brought in all male assistants to insure nothing happens.
ACE: Ah, just another challenge for Ben. Tell them boys to watch their butt holes.

ACE: So what type of amenities are expected to be at the Roethlisberger wedding?
WP: There will be ice sculptures, a--
ACE: Ice sculptures, eh. Are they going to make the ice sculptures right there in front of the people?
WP: I'm not sure how they're going to do it.
ACE: What if one of the sculptors is a Browns fan and carves up a giant grey dick right in front of everybody and then puts rape blood all over it?
WP: I hadn't considered that. That would be horrible.
ACE: DON'T YOU DARE RUIN THAT MAN'S DREAM! He would be a legend if he pulled that off. So forget about the ice sculpting, what else will there be?
WP: There will be flowers, great food, a live band, some fine wine, a fondue fountain....Ace?
ACE: Oh sorry. My mind was wondering. I just can't stop thinking about...well, what do you think the guy would use for rape blood on the grey dick sculpture?

ACE: I understand there will be security at the wedding and reception. So how the fuck am I supposed to crash this thing?
WP: From what I understand James Harrison will be in charge of security.
ACE: Really? Doesn't he hate Ben?
WP: You have to be human to hate people.
ACE: Very good point. So is it just going to be Harrison running around with his Glock's treating everybody like they are Roger Goodell?
WP: Basically. This wedding will impenetrable.
ACE: HA! Great word usage. I thought I was the one telling the jokes. Big Ben and impenetrable. You slay me.
WP: Oh, excuse me. I meant the security for the wedding will be impregnable.
ACE: AHAHA! Impregnable!
WP: Please stop. You know what I mean. If you're not on the list, you won't get in.
ACE: What if I just drove my car straight through security? It's not like they will have tanks there.
WP: I don't think you should resort to forceful entry.
ACE: OHH GOD, MAKE IT STOP! Forceful entry!

ACE: Do you have access to the guest list?
WP: Yes. And no, I will not add you.
ACE: I would never ask you to do such a thing. But what if I came with Andrea McNulty? Would I be allowed in then.
WP: Umm, I don't see that name on the guest list. Who is that?
ACE: She's not invited? You would think that after getting grey dick forcefully shoved in your box you would at least get a wedding invitation. What an ass hole.
WP: I don't think that would be appropriate.
ACE: I'm sure Andrea didn't think it was appropriate to be prison raped in a bathroom either, but she took it like a champ.
WP: I can't really comment on that.

ACE: Well thank you very much for your time, Ms. Wedding Planner. I'm sure you will do a great job on the Roethlisberger wedding. And if you don't, nobody will blame you.
WP: No problem. You have a great day.
ACE: You do the same. And don't forget, don't you dare stop that ice sculptor. And your rape jokes were splendid. Good Bye.

Please leave your gifts for Big Ben and his new bride in the comments.

14 comments:

Grumpy said...

At least learn to spell "throne". Oh, I forgot, a Toledo education.

Anonymous said...

There is no substitute for real rape blood. At least that's what Mike Tyson says.

I give him a tape of the 1999 Nap/Findlay game where we beat them 21-3 and, you know, polisy for his two SB rings (which can also serve as lube).

--$

Anonymous said...

That's supposed to be polish, dammit.

Anonymous said...

We should crash this wedding. Who's with me?

--Drew

Grumpy said...

No need; I'm on the guest list.

MUDawgfan said...

Vegas is paying 2-1 that this marriage last longer than Terrell Pryor's NFL career.

Anonymous said...

Classy whore - had no idea he was engaged. Tell me that's not for the money considering he raped 2 sluts while with her.

Scumbag fits right in with the trash fans of Pittsburgh.

BTW - good shit Ace.

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

2-1? I think that's a safe bet. She's in it for the money and he's in it to not look like a serial rapist. That marriage will last forever.

Some of the kids I work with have sexually offended on people and we use a workbook called Pathways. One of the kids in there is a Ravens fan and said he is going to send his Pathways book to Big Ben when he gets out. I really hope he does.

Somebody is going to crash this wedding. You just know it is going to happen.

Anonymous said...

Stop spelling GRAY like a Canadian, friend/buddy/guy.

Seal, I think she comes from money so I am guessing that this is all about LUV!

--$

Mr. Ace said...

I actually googled "grey or gray" when writing this because I didn't know if there was a difference, and there was a website, greyorgray.com, dedicated entirely to this. I am a worldly individual, so I chose grey.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how that alcoholic mustachioed faggots Heinz Ward feels about all this.

Ide

MuDawgfan said...

Ide always leaves the best comments.

I vote to remove Mr. Ace from the weekly column and promote Ide

Anonymous said...

Rashard Mendenhall doesn't see this as a wedding. If you really look at the facts, this ceremony brought down the World Trade Center a decade ago.

--$, and yes, this comment is tremendous

The Iceman said...

What's the vegas line for number of bridesmades raperberger violates that night? I would like to put some money on that.

Ide, if you write your own blog I would love the link. Big fan of your work in the comment section, son.