Thursday, June 02, 2011

More Like Buster "Female Reproductive Organ", Amirite???

You are why I don't mind the wife watching Gossip Girl.
After having spent the last three hours drooling over those Blake Lively nude iphone pics, it dawned on me that I have to write something.  So if you notice massive typos, that would just be my third arm poking into the laptop.  Let this be a lesson, kiddos, don't take naked pictures of yourself with your phone.  They will get out.  And creepy guys such as myself will enjoy the jizz out of them.  And you better believe that I'll watch "Backdoor to Chyna".  Because I'm sick in the head.

Anyway, how about a topic?  Last week, some random Marlin decided that he wanted to score a run against the Giants.  Unfortunately, Buster Posey decided that he did not want to allow that to happen.  A collision occurred.  The Marlin won, Posey got fucked up beyond belief, and now he probably will be turned into an outfielder whenever his leg heals.  So now the Giants are without their best hitter for the rest of the year and have to replace him with Eli Whiteside who, I assume with a name like that, signed the Declaration of Independence.  It's unfortunate, but it happens.  Things don't go your way after you win the World Series which is why repeating that feat is harder than doing it the first time.  So we can probably write off the Giants for the rest of the season.  Probably.

But who can we not write-off?  Vagina sportswriters who think that home plate collisions should be outlawed.  This is the most absurd thing that I've read in a long time and I read Peter King (also a fan of outlawing this, go figure) every Monday morning.  WHAT.  THE.  FUCK.  This happens.  It is unpreventable.  But what really gets my goat (is this a phrase?) is that this is only an issue because it happened to pretty boy Posey.  Would this be an issue if AJ Pierzynski got trucked into the fourth row by a liquor-fueled Miguel Cabrera?  Hell no it wouldn't because AJ is an asshole and people want to see him get destroyed.  Look, the Giants are the World Series champs and play in the NL West, losing their catcher is far from a death sentence and definitely not an excuse.

I don't think that it makes you dated to think that collisions are part of the game.  So is throwing at guy's heads and we don't charge pitchers with attempted murder (like they could) when that is done.  I caught for all of my baseball playing days.  Maybe it was my football player mentality, but I loved contact.  The key is to not be stupid and sit in the base path before you have the fucking ball.  But once you get it, oh man, what a feeling.  It's open season on absolutely crushing the runner trying to score.  I always used to "tag" guys out at the plate going shoulder or knees first.  And then when they were called out, I would stick the ball right in their face.  I'm what you call "a tough guy".  But I was also on the other end of the collision as well.

Thrice actually.  And I remember each time like it was yesterday because they were all great.  The first time was when the dumbass catcher from Patrick Henry was just standing in the baseline about five feet in front of the plate with no throw coming in.  Yeah, he ended up on his ass and that was his fault.  The other two times (once in summer ball against Delta where I got to crush Carrizales and the other at the State Legion tourney in Athens), I was literally out by a mile.  But I went in hard anyway.  The key was to make it look like you have no idea how to slide headfirst.  Then you just launch yourself right into the catcher's chest (this is highly illegal by the way and normal high school rules would have seen me ejected).  They both held on to the ball somehow.  I avoided getting tossed by doing the old classic "both hands raised up like I didn't mean to do that" move.  But I did.  Carrizales was an asshole.  He deserved it.

What was I talking about again before I got going on my ability to not get ejected for obscenely dirty play?  Oh yeah, Buster Posey and homos trying to get plate collisions banned.  Hell, Billy Beane has made it public that his own catcher, Kurt Suzuki, is supposed to play like a pussy from now on.  The GM has banned his catcher from contact at the plate!  The A's should change their logo from whatever it is now to Chyna's giant clitoris.  Ridiculous.  These fuckers make MILLIONS of dollars, they can afford to get tackled once a year.

Just another example of the fagification of America.  But I'm going to do my damnedest to make this country badass again one boring story at a time.

Wait, did I hear this right?  Did Stimmel's close their doors?  What the fuck, that place was the best.  I'm too white to be going into Rick's anymore.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

No Stimmels, where did you hear this? They must be really bad with money to close there doors.

NW

Anonymous said...

God I hope Stimmels did not. I doubt they did. I haven't heard anything about it !

Irishman

Anonymous said...

That was the rumor. The guy who owns it must be horrible with money aince I can't imagine that they have much overhead in the dirty Nap.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is Stimmel's? Is it some market that you cum dumpsters in NW Ohio used to go to to get your cappucinos? I Googled Stimmel's and that's what I came up with. I called their phone number and someone answered...so I promptly hung up. Pretty easy way to find out if they are still in business.

Agree on this catcher nonsensee. Shit happens. Next thing you know people are not going to want their short stops to step into throws when guys are sliding into second. Fucking ridiculous and fuck Posey for being the bitch to get this started.

I saw the Blake Lively nudes.......verrrrry nice.

I would like to watch the new Chyna movie with you. I don't thiink that's creepy.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

I can just picture that American Legion catcher waiting with the ball and laughing his ass off as G$ stumbles down the line trying to look like Pete Rose. Did the 3rd base coach send you to be out by a mile or are you just a dumb base runner?

Anonymous said...

Just a really slow baserunner. My last name is Molina.

I will watch WWE porn with you, Drew. Stimmels is a pretty nice wine and craft beer bar in the Nap. Its about the only place where minorities don't go. It is crucial to survival.

--G$

Jeff said...

Yea bunch of fuckin pussies. Senior baseball writers are more stubborn than anyone when it comes to rule changes and they want this? My suggestion would be to have catchers wear turf shoes so their feet don't get stuck in the ground. I mean we already wait for them to put their gear on, what would it hurt to have them change into turf shoes when theyre catching and cleats when they hit?

Anonymous said...

I found Stimmel's facebook page in Napoleon. Here's the most recent post...

Stimmel's Market
Apologies for such short notice, but we'll be closed today through Sunday, and will be re-opening at 10am on Monday June 6th.
23 hours ago · Like · Comment

Definitely just earned myself some Money Shot Internet points.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Well one of Stimmels problems is they would close at midnight on big time bar nights when they were packed. I've been there when the place was jammed and people were ordering beer and shots like there's no tomorrow- only for the lights to come on. Moral of the story... Get the F out of Napoleon/NW Ohio. Those who stay will be white trash (NW Wolverine, andy k, etc..)

There is no need for a rule change in baseball. When I went to my first Tigers game, Kirk Gibson plowed the Royals catcher and knocked the ball out of his glove. I remember nothing else from that game because it was so awesome.. Except for my dad drinking 12 Pabst and then beating us kids.

Its probably worth a few broken knees and ankles to not have to change your shoes 5 times a game.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Ruh roh....someone's juicing again...

MLB investigating A-Rod relation -- again
By Mark J. Miller

A cousin of New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez(notes), Yuri Sucart, was banned from being in any team facility or involved in any team-related event after A-Rod admitted two years ago that Sucart "provided and injected him with performance-enhancing drugs," according to the New York Daily News.
But now a team source tells the paper that Sucart has been traveling with Rodriguez on some road trips this season and last. The most recent sighting of Sucart came Tuesday in San Francisco at the hotel where the team was staying, the St. Regis; he had on a Yankees hooded sweatshirt, the paper reports.
"We have been in contact with the Yankees about this matter," Rob Manfred, baseball's executive VP of labor relations, told the Daily News Wednesday. "We are looking into it."

Anonymous said...

A-rod's cousin is just there as an intern! Yeah that's the ticket!

Nice work on the stimmels shit. Your points are well earned. If they stay open until 2, then the shitbirds show up. And you don't want that. If you want to keep drikning, go down to Little Tijuana.

Tell us more about these Roger drunk beatings please.

Homeplate collisions and brawls are what fans love, dammit!

--G$

Tony B. said...

I got lit up as a 9 year old catching my first game ever for the Indians in Naptown. It was a against the Giants and some 11 or 12 year destroyed me as I was watching the ball in the outfield and barely in the basepath. It was a dumb move on my part, but I still remember getting launched off my feet and hitting the ground awkwardly. That being said, the rules are fine the way they are. Sucks for Buster, but it happens.

This Christmas, I hope St. Prick brings G$ internet skills to the level of Drew. Way to get to the bottom of the Mystery of the Non-Closing Bar, Inspector Drew.

Anonymous said...

Drew- maybe you should have become a Private Investigator instead of a Janitor? Oops sorry.. Custodian.

After digging through some resources, Stimmels is still struggling and may close for good after this temporary shutdown.

Tony B- damn right you got lit up by the Giants. Greatest little league franchise. Ever.

Dut

Anonymous said...

It boggles my mind how they can be struggling. It can't cost more than 40 cents a month for property rent in Nap. Councilman Strut better make those doors stay open or he can forget about my vote that I can't give him anyway.

--$

The Iceman said...

I don't have any personal stories of me putting some pussy tits up at home plate. The reason why is because I would just jog home after taking G$ yard twice in one game in little league.

I did, however, witness a grown man serve up a Pete Rose special to a female catcher during a co-ed softball game 2 summers ago. To top off the humiliation, the chick held on to the ball. What a fag...can't even truck a girl at home.

Anonymous said...

Tony B.....my internet skills are mainly used for very perverted/devious ways. I'm not sure we want those types of skills to fall into the hands of G$.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Iceman...can we change the phrase "trucking a girl at home" to "pulling a Posey"?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Iceman- that was your best comment ever. Keep it up.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Reports say that TP's mom bought him the car... For 11,000. If she didn't put $$ down or trade something in we are F'd. What if TP's mom got the deal TP didn't know? Does the Cam Newton excuse aply?

Dut

Anonymous said...

Pryor plays dumb every day so why would this be any different?

Trucking a bitch...this is why softball players are the biggest cocksuckers on the planet.

--G$

The Iceman said...

Iceman...can we change the phrase "trucking a girl at home" to "pulling a Posey"?

Flawless. Consider it done.

The Iceman said...

The end result was hilarious. This homofag got kicked out of the game, couldn't believe he was booted and his own teammates wanted to beat the shit out of him.

Now, I'll smack a chick around a little if my clothes aren't folded the right way, or if she doesn't butter my popcorn enough. You know...just to keep her in line. But pulling a Posey on her in a co-ed softball game? As Walter Sobchak would say, "Over the line!!!"

Anonymous said...

Turns out that TP drove 4 cars- one of which he had when he got to school. He traded that one in for a Charger, and has now traded in the Charger for the Nissan. Not 8 as SI said. The only questionable part is why he was allowed to test drive a Denali for a weekend. I would love to see SI's "source" that he was driving 8.

Also, some of the players named for going to the tat shop are exploring lawsuit options for defamation because they claim they're not true. I expect a formal apology from SI after a real investigation is done.

F you all.

Dut

The Iceman said...

IT'S ALL UNTRUE!!!!!!!!! Guess Tressel resigned for nothing then.

Anonymous said...

Spot on Dut!

People freaking out because TP's driving a 2007 with 80K miles on it the other night. Fuck all that noise.

It's so BS that a guy like John Simon's name got listed in that SI article. There's a better chance that I'm at that shop smoking weed with those fools and trading in my autographed Eddie George jersey. The Tat 5 should have their heads on a swivel whenever they walk past Simon from now on for putting him in a position where he could be listed in something like that.



--Drew

Anonymous said...

The question still has to be, How can Pryor afford these cars. Its not like he is trading down cars. You have to give OSU fans thing , they are loyal even when they are proved to be the biggest fucking cheaters in sports.

Anonymous said...

None of this changes the fact that TP, we were told, sold his stuff because his terrible family was broke and he was trying to help out. Remember that? Yet pimping through town in a Charger does nothing to make that make any sense. And his mom has 300 bones a month now somehow?

I heard The Torg say last night that "Ellis" is going to speak with the ncaa and apparently has no criminal record and no history of drugs. I have no idea why Torg would make any of that up so I will take him at his word.

Dear John Simon, its called guilt by association. Deal with it and stop taking steroids.

--Dolla Dolla

Anonymous said...

I heard one thing brought up recently that may offer an explanation for how they are able to afford these cars. These kids are allowed to take out student loans, even though they are on full scholarship. I am not saying that is what they did, but it is possible. As evidence of the possibility, it is not just football players driving these types of cars around campus. It is also a lot of "Affirmative Action" students who are on full ride, as well, but using student loans to pay for unnecessary swag, drugs, cars, rims, etc...

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't think twice about putting a bullet through "Ellis's" head before he had his meeting...even if he was walking with his children. Teach them at an early age what happens to snitches.

Is $ 300 a month for a car really considered something hard to come by?


--Drew

Anonymous said...

What bank/govt agency would give money to black guys?

--Adolph Rupp's rotten corpse

Anonymous said...

Sub prime mortgage lenders. Look where that got us.

Ide