Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Let's Play "Choose Your Own TMS Adventure"

I had the pleasure of umpiring a doubleheader with Damman on Sunday afternoon. It was nothing out of the ordinary or crazy. We did our job well. Unfortunately, we had to pull the kids off the field for 20 minutes due to lightning. We surprisingly caught zero shit from the shockingly ugly parents (judging the hotness of moms at these things is a hidden gem of the "profession"). So what is the point of this and how does the title relate? Well, I should say that the games were almost incident free.

Since teams in central Ohio like to schedule games in the middle of the fucking afternoon when it's 150 degrees outside instead of in the mornings like sane people, it is important to stay hydrated throughout. Which means that we have to bring our own beverages. Depending on the humidity, my camel-ass can usually put down between 4-6 bottles of water per DH. And I don't piss. So I'm basically sweating buckets full of urine into my clothes and gear for four-plus hours. I am appealing to the opposite sex. Sunday was no different. I brought a little mini cooler with a bunch of water and Damman put a bottle in there as well. I did the plate in the first game which was a 5-4 gem that only took 90 minutes to play. It was a real guidebook on how to dominate a game from behind the plate. So we switch for game 2 and I'm on the bases. I wear sunglasses out there like many others do who want to look like total badasses. After the first inning, it becomes overcast so I take them off and put them in that little space between the cooler portion and the handle of the cooler.

When we stop the game for lightning around the third of fourth inning, D and I retire to the dugout and my glasses are nowhere to be found. I ask the kids and coaches and no one gives me anything back. They CLEARLY don't give a fuck which is infuriating.  This is pure bullshit as it is painfully obvious that some little shit is trying to rob me. Now, I don't really care about the glasses themselves as they are just $20 Oakley-ish pieces of fetus that I got at Target a few months ago. But it's the principle that has me pissed. Those are clearly NOT yours and that is clearly NOT your cooler. What the fuck are you doing stealing that shit? The coaches tell me that they'll keep their eyes open but I'm less than pleased.

We play the last three innings and I freely admit that I was barely paying attention at all. I was too busy watching that dugout trying to see if someone was going to step up and show some backbone by putting my shades back. Unfortunately, the team was trying to win eventhough that was very unimportant when it came to finding my Blu Blockers.  I started running through suspects in my head like some sort of horrible detective on TV (like that annoying wigger from The Killing):

Catcher from the first game that farted on me? Possibly but he seemed like a bitch.
Black kid? No, that would be too easy and that is who the thief WANTS me to blame. I will not fall for that trap.
Black kid's coaching dad? Nah, he looked like a dickhead but he already had his own pair of sunglasses.
Trashy looking kid? Possibly but how is the poor kid going to explain where he got a pair of shades?

I had it down to two kids both of whom fit my "profile" of rich kid who is used to getting what he wants and doesn't believe that there will be any consequences. You know, FUCK THOSE KIDS.

So I keep my eye on the cooler for the rest of the game and can't see that anything has changed. Now I have a decision to make. Do I let this go? Do I steal the nice pair of Oakley's on the other side of the dugout as an "eye for an eye" thing? Do I charge into the dugout like Vic Mackey and start roughing up these kids until someone breaks? Do I hold the team hostage? Start going through everyone's bag with an insane case of "abuse of power"?  Keep in mind, the wrong play here and I will likely get my ass chewed by my umpire's association and maybe "fired". I can imagine this phone call: 'WHADDYA MEAN YOU FELT THAT THE ONLY ANSWER WAS TO SLIT THAT BLACK KID'S THROAT!!!" So it isn't like I could go in guns blazing (like I wanted to). I had to play this hand perfectly to get what I want AND still be the victim.

The team of thieves ended up giving up four runs in the last inning for an amazing walk-off choke loss. I felt that karma played a nice role in that. So now we get to the confrontation and where I would like for you to play along.

First of all, what would you have done in my situation (given the potential consequences)? What do you think I did? And did I get my cheap sunglasses back?

I will have the answer for you between 1 and 2 today. Needless to say, kids are the worst. All guys should take tomorrow off and get a vasectomy.
**********************************
This is how the story ends...I decided that I was going to pull from the TV cop classic, The Wire. No, I was not going to call up Brother Mouzone or start shooting the crowns off their grandmama's heads or get in all of their stupid little faces and scream "OMAR COMIN' YO" over and over again until someone confessed to this heinous crime. I was going to quote Lt. Cedric "where the white women at" Daniels with this as I picked up my cooler to leave: "So my sunglasses just disappeared...GOOD TO KNOW" and then storm off in a blinding rage.

However, as I picked up the cooler, the glasses miraculously appeared behind it. Now, and D can confirm this, they were NOT there before that moment. Someone had pilfered them. But I applaud the thief for showing some backbone and giving them to their rightful owner again. You usually don't see that. So, I guess, good for the kid for eventually doing the right thing. Unfortunately, this makes for a lacking conclusion to this story as you all were probably hoping that it ended in bloodshed. Sorry. There is a reason that I set this post up the way that I did. It sort of lacked any real climax...much like the last time that I boned your mom.

22 comments:

Grumpy said...

Lacking any real proof, I would have probably let it go. You on the other hand, with your manhood issues, most likely held everyone hostage in the heat until some little fucker pissed his pants.

In the end you found out Damman took them just to fuck with you.

Anonymous said...

That's the thing though. People saw me put them on the cooler including a coach. So they were definitely still in there. In case you were wondering, we did not play good cop/bad cop either. Although that would have been awesome.

--G$

Daniel said...

I agree, I dislike kids as well.

This past Friday afternoon after I get home from work, I notice an unusually high number of teenagers in the neighborhood that I don't recognize. I immediately get pissed but can't really do much about it.

Low and behold, wake up Saturday morning and the one side of my house is egged. I hate kids.

Anonymous said...

I'm very interested in how this played out.

What would I have done?

I woul have been bitching hard at the coaches of the team and the players during the game...making the coaches angry that this was taking away from the game and studying those little fuckers eyes to see who is squirming the most in fear. Then when it was over I would have stood at their dugout and probably refused to let the coach or myself sign the scorecard or whateve you have to do until each kid dumps out his bag.

What did you do? I know you did the bitching. I'm willing to bet you inflated the price of the sunglasses to something around $ 100. You then said something along the lines of..you really need those for your next game or whatever and how frustrated. Then you made some deal...fuckers empty the bags...no glasses are found you bring gatorardes or some shit to their next game. Some kid probably fessed up and you got them back.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I did not promise to deliver gatorade to fucking pickerington. I would never do that.

I thought about completely butchering a call against them, have the coach say something, and then loudly announce that the sun was in my eyes. It would have been great but they gave me no such possible plays.

--G$

Anonymous said...

I would have taken the coach aside seperately to see if there was anything he could do (i.e. question a few of his kids who he thought were trouble or hold the kids in the dugout until they do a thorough search) Other than that, I would not have done much in fear of looking like a complete jackass if none of the kids took them. I still would have been pissed though. Is there anyway someone from outside could have reached through the fence around the dugout and taken them?

Something tells me you did the something similar to what I did, but I don't think you got your glasses back.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

This brings up a better question, though. Why didn't you just put the glasses on your head or hang them from your collar or a pocket?

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I'm supposed to look professional out there. If I'm not wearing them, they shouldn't be hanging from me. If I have to make an emphatic punch out at second base, I'd look like a jackoff if my shades went flying off the top of my head, wouldn't I?

The dugouts were enclosed. Fan interference was not an option.

--G$

Jeff said...

Umpires are the worst. Always trying to make the game about themselves.

I bet a kid needed a pair when playing in the field and didn't know they were yours and thought they were a teammates, but after tying him to the back stop and firing heaters at him from home plate, he finally fessed up that they could've been yours.

Anonymous said...

G$,

Although it is true that your punchout would lose its dramatic effect if your sunclasses were to fall off, I would still have kept them on me...mainly because I have a general lack of trust in humanity.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

If this story doesn't end with G$ getting his sunglasses back and some kid in tears, I'm going to be very disappointed.

Unless one of the kids ended up beating up G$ and breaking his sunglasses as he left him there laying there.

--Drew

Tony B. said...

I'm going to guess you discussed the sunglasses issue further with the coach. He stated that he has "no knowledge of improper sunglasses ownership on the part of the kids." One of the kids, who is a particularly outlandish douche bag, decides to start wearing your sunglasses out in the field. It is blatantly obviously that he stole your sunglasses. Then it comes to light that the coach and the players all knew of the sunglasses theft. The story ends with the coach resigning, the kids getting kicked off the team, and this situation sends the loyal group of this team's fans into a massive denial of any wrongdoing.

Was I close?

Anonymous said...

Tony...you left the part of the sunglasses stealer being fucking awesome out there in the field.

I also don't see what the baseball coach did that was wrong.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

After all, I am sure the baseball coach was just try to protect his players. I'll bet one of the kids dads is an attorney who told the coach to keep it to himself.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I was wondering why the little black kid was driving a Charger!

--dolla

Anonymous said...

Daniel- its called karma, bitch! I bet Bill Wulff was just getting you back for egging his sweet pontiac and fucking his ginger for a daughter.

Are all highschool baseball coaches giant douchebags? I think so.

I bet you traded in your umpire gear for a white sheet with a pointy hat, and stared at the black kids until they got scared and confessed even though they didn't do it. Amirite?

Dut

Anonymous said...

Sorry, fellas, but there was no massive war as a fallout.

--G$

Anonymous said...

whats the story, fucker???

Seal

Anonymous said...

WE WANT ANSWERS DAMNIT!

--DREW

Anonymous said...

Its updated, you dumb fucks. It was two hours ago.

--$

Anonymous said...

THAT STORY SUCKED!

THAT PUSSY TIGER WOODS IS OUT OF THE U.S. OPEN!

--DREW

Anonymous said...

You're welcome! I was aware the entire time that the possibilities were much better than the real story. So like any other great journalist, I made it work.

And if you thought that this sucked, just wait for Ace to break down the pitching mechanics of John Danks tomorrow.

--$