Thursday, June 09, 2011

The Breakfast of Champions: An Open Forum

Bobby Heenan says, "This post is not for ham-n-eggers!"
We've been hammering the sports talk here fairly hard for awhile so how about a day off? We've talked wings and sandwiches and burgers and other stuff in this sort of forum before. But today, we set our alarm clocks extra early after a solid night of drinking cheap beer for a little oasis that I like to call: BREAKFAST. Sure, it's Ron Swanson's favorite meal yet I freely admit that I do not partake in the daily breakfast ritual. I skip it. That doesn't make me a bad person, it's just that I eat enough at lunch and dinner (and fourth meal!). But on the rare occasions that I do eat breakfast, I make sure that I do it right. If I'm at a restaurant and my meal comes with a side of fruit, I say fuck that. Please give me potatoes or something instead. Because fruit is gay. So let's talk breakfast this morning and break down what is great and what sucks. First things first, let's rate the chains:

1. IHOP - Everything they make is delicious. I just wish that there were any of them in central Ohio.
2. Big Boy - Best buffet in the business. They lose points for once employing me though. I know things...bad things...mainly because I was the one doing them. If I ever did a weeklong series (and it would take a full week) on my time working at Big Boy in the Nap with 5 of my bastard friends, you would shit, laugh, and vomit simultaneously.
3. Bob Evans - Their menu is too huge which means that nothing is really good or bad. Cut that bitch in half, Bob.
4. Waffle House - You can't even just be drunk to go here. You have to be roofied to have the stones to eat at this trucker fuck-palace.
5. Homeless Man's Anus
6. Denny's - You couldn't pay me to eat here. Ever. Like I said, I would rather eat oatmeal out of a bum's ass than sit at a booth in Denny's.
***Locally, I think that Scrambler Marie's is fantastic.  And I can't remember the name of the place on High Street north of campus, but I heard that that rules, too.

Now instead of rating more stuff, I'm just going to list customary breakfast foods and give my opinion on them.

Bacon - the king of breakfast, She$ has been buying turkey bacon recently and I weep every time that I see it. That is inexcusable. I don't give a fuck what is on sale.
Eggs - I hate eggs. They are disgusting. I can't believe that people actually eat them. Sure, give me three aborted fetuses, please!
Toast - Ummmm, how worthless is this? Although if you pound it with jelly, it serves a purpose.
Sausage - Patties before links. Yeah, I said it.
Ham - You already know my stance that ham is white trash. Ironically, the missus is serving ham at dinner tonight. Stupid wife.
Steak - What are you, some sort of a millionaire? Who eats steak for breakfast! Unless were talking about the steak bagel from McD's which is the greasiest and most delicious hangover food on the planet.
Muffins - I hate blueberry. Blueberries taste like ass. Banana nut and chocolate are far superior.
English Muffins - A true gem. Maybe the most underrated breakfast food. These things are the best.
Pancakes - I don't care for pancakes. Aunt Jemima is a racist. Although I like to call them "flapjacks". If you served me an Uncle Buck-sized flapjack, we would be best friends.
French Toast - More like French Gross? As you can tell, the whole syrup genre of breakfast does nothing for me.
Waffles - Just like eating a cardboard box.  Golic eats them at LaQuinta Inns!
Biscuits and Gravy - When done right, this shit rules. At Drew and I's former place of employment, they had the best gravy ever. But usually these stupid fuck restaurants have rock hard biscuits and gravy made from shit, not sausage.  Terrible.
Grits - I don't even know what these are. Corn?
Fruit Salad - What are you, gay? If you're worried about your weight, why are you eating breakfast then, dipshit?
Omelettes - I hate eggs but I love omelettes. There is no explanation for this and I don't even plan on trying.
Hash Browns - Yes please. Throw some onions and peppers in those fuckers.
Coffee - I'm an addict. It didn't start until about 5 years ago but I get headaches now if I skip coffee in the morning. Dunkin Donuts makes the best and it isn't even close. Starbucks makes the worst and it (also) isn't even close. Starbucks is horseshit.
Donuts - I don't care for donuts. Jelly donuts are gross and I don't get the love for Krispy Kreme. But those bags of Donut Fair mini-crullers that they sell at grocery stores are something that I would divorce my wife to marry. Yes, I would marry a bag of mini donuts.
Bagels - Not just for Jews anymore! I love them. But then again, I grew up with Bagel and Deli (the only way people should be raised).
Cinnamon Rolls/Coffee Cake - Eh, whatever...are we about done? I'm hungry.
Cereal - I used to eat cereal every morning as a kid. Here are the Kings of Cereal: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Apple Jacks, Golden Grahams, Trix, and Frosted Mini Wheats. Everything else is shit (except for Fruity Pebbles).

I think that that about covers everything. I know. I'm a fucking weirdo. I can't stand eating chicken abortions but I enjoy omelettes. It makes no sense. But it's the way that I am. I am afraid of many things in my life such as snakes, bears, heights, serial killers hanging out in the metro park waiting to murder me, zombies, etc. and you can also add overeasy eggs to that. They're just so weird looking and yolk is disgusting.

Finally, if I was on death row and the warden told me that it was time to pick my last meal but for some reason I could only order breakfast, I would choose 25 strips of bacon, biscuits and gravy from the 2110 in Columbus, an english muffin, fruit salad to throw in the guard's face, a bag of Donut Fair crullers, and a vat of Dunkin' coffee. Then when they allowed me my last words, I would pre-shit my pants before they turned the juice on when the real shitting would commence. Because why would I care? What do I have to lose? Thoughts on breakfast, gentlemen...the floor is yours.

26 comments:

Grumpy said...

Dunkin' Everything bagel with cream cheese. If you can find a real Jewish deli, then nothing beats a bagel and lox.

Anonymous said...

This post is right up my alley - I could eat breakfast for any meal of the day. How the hell does McDonalds not serve breakfast all day yet, business would sky rocket.

Bacon is a must with every breakfast, I agree.

Who doesnt like eggs? You're crazy.

Biscuits and and a good spicy sausage gravy are the best thing ever.

I find most of the Mom and Pop shop/hole in the wall local places have the best breakfasts. Homemade recipies and you usually get a ton of food.

F-You, now I want breakfast.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Good point, Seal, on the little shithole diners having the best breakfast. I just have no desire to eat eggs. The smell kills me.

Grump, lox is salmon, correct?

Nobody can top McD's for breakfast. The mcmuffin rules although the mcgriddle is horrible.

--G$

Anonymous said...

G$...you and I have very similar tastes on breakfast...although I'll eat scrambled eggs but do not like any other type. I also like waffles quite a bit.

But, I never eat breakfast. My breakfast M-F is a bag of Snyder's pretzels from the vending machine and a Diet Mt. Dew.

I have discovered over the last year that I enjoy going to a couple restaurants on the weekends and get scrambled eggs, sausage patties and potatoes....plus a couple really good beers. Something about the first meal of the day being breakfast a little around noon with with some good beer makes for a very enjoyable meal.

I will say for you Columbus guys...there is a restaurant on 5th Ave in Grandview called Paul's that serves a killer breakfast meal called "The Callahan". There are about 15 different types of Callahans. What is a Callahan? It's a plate full of home fries...and then each one is mixed with sausage or bacon or all different types of cheeses, onions, peppers, you name it. It's basically an omelet except instead of eggs it's home fries. Is the rest of the breakfast menu any good? I've got no fucking clue as I dive into the home fries with bacon, sausage, jalapenos and cheese every fucking time.

--Drew

MUDawgfan said...

G$ - in reference to Oxford's restaurant that was north of High street, it was called Phillips 27 and it WAS damn good.

I also consider myself a breakfast fan and I'd like to differentiate between Hashbrowns and Homefries.

Hasbrowns are shredded and best served fried on a grilled. Waffle House does a great job with Hashbrowns and I like mine covered diced and peppered (cheese, tomatos and peppers).
Homefries are little cubes of potatoes and they are inferior. Most of them are deepfried (awful) but you can get the occasional saute' with peppers and onions and it makes them decent.

In reference to your restaurant list - does Ohio have alot of Cracker Barrels? That's a pretty good spot to stop on a road trip. Breakfast is served 24/7

Anonymous said...

Firstly, fruit is indeed gay. However G$, breakfast is the most important (and delicious) meal of the day because it starts your metabolism to burn fat instead of muscle.

Next, there is absolutely nothing wrong with eating eggs. Make mine sunny side up. I get a raging hard on from eating dead fetuses, and I thoroughly believe everyone else should as well. Eggs tie everymeal together if done over easy. It doubles as a nice yellow gravy and is just overall by far the most versatile breakfast food ever.

Bacon is still the best meat ever.

One breakfast staple that is curiously missing from all posts is probably one of the best things ever next to bacon: Hash. Corned beef hash with some home fries and over easy eggs and a side of bacon is the best breakfast ever concieved. If you don't like it, you're a faggot.

Nancy's is that restaurant in north campus that you speak of, and it's nothing short of amazing. I personally love Mimi's Cafe in Polaris. Scrambler's is ok, and First Watch is for people who drive hybrids and suck cock. I only go to McD's for their breakfast, though nothing beats their $1 sweet tea.

-Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, TeeJay's and Skillet in German Village ain't bad either.

Anonymous said...

Tee-Jayes? Hahahaha! How black are you?

I don't think I've ever had hash before.

Phillips 27 was the best.

Wow, the Callahan just gave me wood. That sounds terrific.

I feel that I need to give delayed props to the breakfast burrito preferrably sans egg. Easy to eat, hot sauce is welcomed, and always delicious.

--G$

Anonymous said...

I have to agree on Scrambler Marie's. I am not a big breakfast fan either, but Scrambler Marie's portions make it so you don't have to eat lunch and their menu has a ton of breakfast choices with meat, patatoes, and cheese. You can't beat that.

When making my own breakfast, I prefer making massive omelettes. I am the type of person who will eat nearly everything and likes a ton of flavors and hot food. My omelettes will include bacon, jalepenos, onions, green pepers, mushrooms, sometimes ground beef or sausage, patatoes, tons of cheese, etc...you get the point. Then I top it off with salsa and hot sauce. For some reason salsa always goes good with omelettes.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

Breakfast trumps all. But breakfast without eggs is megagay. I ate at a spot in Chicago called Tempo and had a banana nut waffle and it was fantastic. They also have something called a Poor Mans Skillet. It is onion, peppers, potatoes, sausage, 3 cheeses and 3 eggs of ur choice all over the top of that. Ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

No love for any of the Captian Crunch line up? All three rank up there.

Your ficking nuts.

J Saul

Anonymous said...

If we accept MUDawg's definitions of home fries and hash browns as fact then The Callahan is hash browns mixed with all of that stuff....not home friess (cubes of potatos) as I originally stated.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Yes G$, lox is a thinly sliced, cured salmon filet. Add a slice of onion and it's killer.

Don't forget Lucky Charms, good and good for you.

Anonymous said...

I honestly can not remember the last time I ate cereal. It could be a decade.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

HUEVOS RANCHEROS!!! What a wonderful Mexican breakfast feast.

You can't hate on eggs and then say omelets are delicious. I always get/make scrambled eggs or omelets with breakfast because they are delectable.

Black Bear Diner crushes breakfast if you have any out that way.

IHOP is overrated, but that's probably because they are everywhere in CA. Easy to take it for granted.

Jack In The Box serves breakfast all day. It is a smart move that Mac-E-D's should learn from.

Bacon and Sausage are such great meats- it's hard to screw up breakfast.

Anonymous said...

G$- you have the worst taste buds/advice ever. Eating your steaks well done was strike 1, but saying the McGriddle is strike 3. And there is nothing gay about fruit.

Mom and pop shops are always the best. I'm still a fan of Bob Evans. I agree that Dennys is terrible.. Unless you get the Dennys Grand Slam meal.

Drew- I bet Verlander also eats pretzels and Mt. Dew for breakfast. Is that why you do it? I might have to start.

I eat a souf beach protein bar and a glass of milk every morning. Breakfast of champions.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Look, what I say on this isn't to be taken as gospil. Its just my opinion. And the mcgriddle is horrible compared to the superior mcmuffin.

Prime/tony, I know that my egg-ness is weird. My mom makes great omelettes when I'm home but prepare them any other way and I get sick.

Jon, don't they make Capn Crunch all berries now? That has to epic. And you owe me 20 bucks that your life partner Jeff is making you pay for the baseball league.

Fruit is gay when it comes to a good hangover breakfast. If Dut eats fruit, well, you know where this is going.

--Dolla Dolla

Anonymous said...

Dut....I would expect Verlander to eat Wheaties, but use the Dew as his milk. Whether he drinks Diet Dew like myself or regular Dew...that I do not know.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

You better give commentet Jeff a ring, think he's pulling s fast one on ole G$, I paid that cracker long time ago, in cash, no paper trail (something pryor could lern from).

Anonymous said...

J saul/G$-

You just need to understand that commenter Jeff is incompetent when it comes to paying bills (like rent).

Anonymous said...

Commenter Jeff eats fruit for breakfast.

Anonymous said...

And AIDS for fourth meal.

Shook's Son.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone like those egg casseroles that seem to get served at large brunch functions?

-Lil' Strut

Prime99 said...

Egg casseroles are great as long as they have the proper meat content. They basically end up being a giant omelet cut and served like lasagna. Very tasty.

Anonymous said...

I don't mind that casserole thingy either as long as the meat ratio is acceptable. Also made better with salsa or hot sauce.

Franks red hot makes everything better.

--G$

Jeff said...

Middle finger to everyone! Sox sweep yanks in ny again bitches!!! I piss excellence when I wake up and eat alcohol for breakfast!