Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Where "Holy Shit Look At That Guy's Elbow" Happens

Ahhhh, my arm!  Now I know why Tigers eat their young!
I've come to realize over the last few weeks that if you have no team in the hunt and can just watch things objectively, the NBA is a whole lot better to watch.  And these playoffs so far have been outstanding.  Which is why I just wanted to hit some points that may or may not have anything to do with Ron Artest's poor form on his clothesline attempt.  Stan "The Lariat" Hansen just rolled over in his grave.  Yes, that is an early 90's WCW reference!

Lakers - Whoa, the shit hit the fan fast and furious.  I didn't see that one coming.  One thing is certain though and I know this from experience, something happened in that lockerroom.  Something DEFINITELY happened behind the scenes to cause the champs to look like they didn't care.  I'm betting that Steve Blake fucked Gloria James and she gave him lupus which they told the public was chicken pox.  That's my guess.  I didn't mind seeing them fall apart though.  That entire dynasty was built on interracial hotel rape.  And at least they went out with class!  The Artest face-rake, the Kardashian 'bow, and the Bynum forearm shiver really helped my enjoyment factor.  And let's also mention the topless court-leave by Bynum.  Just a classic way to end your season.

Phil Jackson - I've always liked the guy.  You can't punish him for not taking terrible jobs.  Dude is smart.  And his advice to Rick Carlisle that "you don't smoke peyote" is still making me laugh.  The guy's coaching career just ended and he's giving drug tips.  AWESOME.  Mark Cuban telling him "don't quit, we need you" when he was walking off the floor just goes to show that Cuban is a whiny little bitch. 

Barea - Can you blame Bynum?  I would tackle the shit out of this little fucker if he came to the rack against me.

Rondo - Congrats, Rajon, you are the first mortal enemy of mine to give me a fan-boner.  THIS GUY is a fucking warrior.  I wouldn't even get out of bed if I dislocated my elbow.  But he just goes back on the floor, wins the game, comes back in game 4 to start, pwns shit again, and (I'm writing this in the 2nd quarter) I guarantee leads the C's to victory and an even series.  GUARANSHEED.  Celtics fans eat that shit up.  One more time, Rondo is the fucking man.

Wade - Yeah, you're a dirty player.  I'm not saying it was intentional, BUT he did unnecessarily throw Rondo down.  He takes little shots like that all the time.  Fuck that guy.

Retarded - #6 said that it's "retarded" to call Wade dirty.  Nice word, choice, ya bastard.  Global icon...except at the Special Olympics I guess.

Bosh - Still terrible.  Openly admits that he was scared/nervous to take the floor in Boston.  This guy is the least deserving superstar of all time.  What a bitch.  I wouldn't mind seeing a Memphis/Miami Finals just because Z-Bo would average 40/20 against the Boshmallow.
Teague - Who here saw that Jeff Teague would be a competent point guard?  I figured that he'd be worse than commenter Jeff.

Boozer - Who is less productive:  Carlos or Bosh?  They both blow.  And I don't want to hear that shit about him having a toe injury either.  Guys that backstab blind dudes don't get the benefit of the doubt.

Westbrook - KNOW YOUR ROLE.  You should never ever shoot more than Durant, kid. 

Z-Bo - Am I crazy to say that I am freaking loving the Zach Randolph experience right now?  It's a fun ass ride.  The guy is still covered in blubber but he's unguardable!  Everyone of his shots hit the rafters yet go straight through the net.  I don't think that Durant is crazy for saying that he's the best PF in the game right now.  And I also love how Z-Bo publicly agreed with that statement as well.

Tony Allen/Battier - I don't think that it's that far-fetched to say that the Grizz can make the Finals.  Why?  Because they have these two guys that d the shit out of the other teams wings.  And that is huge.  What an awesome dynamic that Memphis has.  Great post players, playmaker at point, an enigma capable of anything with Mayo, and two shutdown swingmen that can also score.  It's a fun team to watch.

And for us losers, the lottery is one week from today!  Terrence Jones went back to UK, I see, which has to be the first player ever to go back to Calipari.  So am I to believe that he actually kept going to class then?  No way.  How about a prediction for the Finals since who knows when we'll talk hoops again:  REVENGE IS A CUBAN DISH BEST SERVED COLD (I don't know what that means)...Dallas over Miami.  That will make G$ a very happy sex machine.  By the way, as a tribute to Beanie, I did not proofread this at all.  Come on, typos!!!


The Iceman said...

The best part about that Andrew Bynum tempertantrum was Mike Tirico's reaction to it, calling it "disgusting". I would have laughed harder if I wasn't having Hubie Brown flashbacks at the time. That dude looks like the fuckin crypt keeper from Tales of the Crypt. I'm certain he has at least one glass eye. Maybe two. Although I do have to give the network props for effectively hiding Hubie's oxygen tank.

The only way Dallas is winning it all is if their bench continues to outscore the oppositions starters...which I don't see happening. I'm going with the upset and taking OKC out of the West. Last night was huge for them and I think they ride the momentum. Miami out of the East because the Bulls (assuming they get to the East finals) have a worse bench than Miami and worse "superstars". Also assuming you lable Noah and Boozer as superstars.

GMoney said...

That was one of my worst guaransheed's ever! Great games (again) last night though.

Just a reminder here that Wade needed a wheelchair when he hurt his shoulder while Rondo keeps playing with a Spieth Elbow. Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Conley's tying three last night was buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I loved how the Lakers just blew up. Bynum's a faggot.

I'm rooting for the Heat to make it out of the East and then lose in the Finals. I see reasons to root for all three teams in the West...

*Durant getting a title before LeBron.

*Dirk and Cuban getting titles.

*Conley and Z-BO in the NBA Finals.


The Iceman said...

Spieth elbow...awesome. Do you think Spieth ever had the ability to throw 90 mph heaters after his injury like that kid from "American Pie" who was butthole raped by Gary Busey in "Rookie of the Year"?

GMoney said...

As a rookie of the year connosieur, if henry rowengartner was raped by anyone, it was daniel stern. Busey was way too normal in that classic film.

I can't root for Dallas because I loathe deshawn stevenson still.

The Iceman said...

Where does Busey rank on the "actors attempting to be sweet athletes in a movie when it's clear they actually suck at all sports in real life" list? He's gotta be near the top. Blog idea!

Anonymous said...

So....you still loathe Stevenson....because during the years where you would bow down to LeBron/blow him....he knew that LeBron was a bitch and deserved zero respect. So, basically you are now jealous of Stevenson for being smarter than you.


GMoney said...

Pretty much. But he's a dirty player and an asshole, too.

MuDawgfan said...

Hawks lose by 20 tonight. Guaranteed.

Josh Smiff will be 3/19 from outside the paint and when Sports Talk show hosts in Atlanta criticize him, every black in the city will call in and defend him. Attacks against Smiff are "racsis"

Anonymous said...

MUDawg...to jump on your sports radio comment. I was listening to former Buckeye WR Demetrius Stanley's show yesterday (he's black) and a white guy called in and said that "the colored kids from the ghetto" were the ones causing all of the trouble for OSU. They cut him off...I laughed hard.


Ide said...

That was the only time I laughed during their show, aside from Stanley's illiteracy.

GMoney said...

Damn, I missed that. I only get to listen to Cowherd sniff the jock of Gloria's bastard.

Jeff said...

I want a heat vs. Grizzly/thunder final, but think the mavs are the only team that has a chance to beat the heat.

Mavs win it then Cuban buys the dodgers

Anonymous said...

The guy tried to back off "the coloreds" comment by saying, "I don't mean it like that...like the gangbanger kids". That's when he got cut off...it was hilariuos. I never listen to that show unless Jim Rome is on commercial and I was lucky enough to tune in at that point.


GMoney said...

Also, if you listened to Neft after 6 last night, some crazy guy called in listing every dealership that that Kniffin guy worked at and that he was fired every time for shady shit. He also mentioned that his wife left him and that the dude moved to atlanta because he couldn't work up here anymore. I want to believe that's all true.

Clearly, The Fan was bringing it strong on Monday.

Anonymous said...

Sorry I didn't read this yesterday and I don't know if anyone will even check these comments again, but Thank you for the tribute for for the typos. It truly is appreciated. I would have commented yesterday but I was recovering from falling off my roof while cleaning my gutters.

I was unhurt by the way, making me think I just might be unbreakable.