Thursday, May 05, 2011

Never Ever Get Married, You Idiots!

Get out of my house!
While being married is all fine and good and (so far at least) easy as shit, sometimes you just need a little alone time. No, I'm not talking about "polishing the pewter". At least not at this time. All of the married fucks in the house no what I'm talkin' 'bout! Every so often, She$ will travel north with the dog and spend the weekend with her family. And unless it's a holiday, I don't have to go (nor do I volunteer). I love these weekends. It isn't like I'm dying to get rid of the wife and mutt because that isn't the case at all. It's just that occasionally, it's great to go a few days without anyone saying anything to you. Wanna not wear a shirt all day? No shower all weekend? Order pizza for every meal? Watch movies starring Stone Cold Steve Austin? Go drinking with your friends without ever wondering what time it is and what the consequences might be? I get all of that shit done and out of the way on these weekends. And that works for me.

I've known for awhile that She$ was heading back home for Mother's Day weekend (it's this weekend so do something nice for your mom). I made all the plans that I wanted to make which were none. I figured that I would get Cane's one day, then some pizza place that I've never had before, head to Five Guys at least once, and pick up a 12 pack. I should probably mow the yard as "exercise". Those were my plans. That is it. It was going to be awesome. And then I get the call on Tuesday afternoon:

She$: Don't be mad at me. (this is always a HUGE warning that I will be getting pissed off very soon)
G$: What.
She$: So my parents are coming to Columbus for blah blah blah...and they are going to stay at the house with you on Saturday night.
G$: Wait, what?
She$: Well, they were invited to...(didn't catch the rest since blood was shooting from my ears)
G$: (2 minutes of silence in which the wife wonders if I hung up on her). This sounds like a horrible idea.

I wallow in my own self-loathing for the rest of the afternoon at work and get back into it as soon as I get home.

G$: Fix this. Fix it.
She$: Get over yourself.
G$: If this has anything to do with the joke I made about prostitutes the other night, let me assure you that I'm not actually going to have prostitutes stay over here. (earlier in the week, I asked her jokingly when she was coming back on Sunday so I could make sure the whores were gone)
She$: (laughs at me)
G$:  I'm taking this argument to the only place where I am respected...THE INTERNET!

Guess what happened? I have roommates on Saturday night. Maybe I'm clueless but I just can't comprehend this situation. Why the hell did they even consider this when their daughter was back home STAYING AT THEIR HOUSE! I never agreed to this bizarre swapping of guest bedrooms. I'm not hosting a fucking slumber party for my in-laws! We don't even have sleeping bags or scary movies! I should mention that this is not the first time that my "me time" weekend has been cut short/ruined at the last minute. A year or so ago, I'm sitting at home on a Friday night eating sloppy joe's while topless and getting ready to go out for Reba's birthday when She$ decides to not leave until Saturday morning because she popped a tire earlier in the day. IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME, WOMAN, no matter how you try to justify it!

And it isn't. I was told then what I was told now, "I don't care if you go out with the guys". But that's the problem! Since you (and now your parents) are here, NOTHING has changed. I can't just come barging in at 3 AM with a crave case from White Castle and breath that would make a skunk jealous. People are judging now! Do you think that her parents would be cool with me coming home at sunrise? You better fucking think again. People be judgin'! Which means that that shit ain't happening on Saturday. I'm still Joe Marriedfuck now when I was supposed to be Big Timmy Livinglikeabacheloragainforafewhours. I'll do what I always do...make sure I'm home between 12 and 1. Nothing beats having a titty-fucking curfew again when you're 30 years old.

I don't mean this to sound harsh or to imply that I don't like my in-laws because I do. Ummm, but you can see how strange this situation is. And if you're married, you KNOW how important these silent weekends are. What if somehow I get sick on Saturday and can't leave the couch all day? THAT WOULD BE THE WORST THING EVER. Ugh, the weekend that I was once looking forward to is the weekend that I am now wishing were over. And I'm putting all of the blame on She$. I truly think that she enjoys it when she can wreck my plans to be uber-lazy.

But the in-laws will come a-knocking around 6, I'm told. What the fuck do I do? Now I HAVE to be out of the house by 5:30 (because I am NOT entertaining) but I spent the last month making sure that I had ZERO plans or responsibilities this weekend! I suppose that I could play golf that day but it will probably rain because it rains everyday here. That's no good although I would not be opposed to it. I had an epiphany last night...Reds or Indians game! Shit, both of those fag teams are on the road. Bar-hopping is an easy answer but I can do that whenever I want. I'm smart enough to realize that strip clubs aren't fun anymore. Which leads me to...

Casino. Wheeling or Cincy, it does not matter. I'm more than willing to drive and am now looking for companions. I do accept road-head. Either way, I need to get out of the goddamn house on Saturday without coming home smelling like I just took a bath in Stroh's. Who's coming with me? Someone please come with me. I beg you. I don't want to meet up with Grumpy in Lawrenceburg and play the f-wordin' penny slots or whatever octogenarians play at casinos (tummy sticks?). Save me. I can think of no better way to punish my wife for this than to drop a mortgage payment on the Ohio River!

I was betrayed. Promises were not kept. I should have known better than to trust someone that knows Jim Tressel. I will have my revenge. Your uppance will come, wife.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Head to Louisville for the DERBY !! I'll be there. Cousins Bachelor party !!!

Irishman

GMoney said...

That's not a bad idea there but I can't see it happening. I'm just too lazy to do something cool like that.

Grumpy said...

I was just ready to say Hollywood Casino with me, then you had to insult me in the last paragraph. Play Parcheesi with the in-laws all weekend. FUCK YOU!

Mr. Ace said...

I would be totally DTF Saturday night if I didn't have to work. Enjoy your night at the Stube.


Mrs. Ace sprang some similar shit on me earlier this year. Her mom flew into town one night and was stayin at our place for a couple days...without a car. So on my day off when I usually roll out of bed and read blogs in my boxers all day, I have to wake up and fake like I have something to do. It was horrible. I eventually just gave up and did school work in my bed all day.


I feel your pain.

GMoney said...

And how am I supposed to enjoy the Steve Austin classic "Hunt To Kill" (which showed up last night!) When I have uninvited guests coming? I can't!

MuDawgfan said...

Oxford, OH - it's commencement weekend and the bars are open for bidness.

Get shitfaced, cram B&D down your throat, scream in front of the President's house at 2:30am that Charlie Coles should be fired and pass out in the lobby of the hotel uptown.

Anonymous said...

I would just find someone who wanted to go to a sports bar with you from 5:30-8, where you could take your time eating whatever bar food you desired while drinking tons of beer. Then go to one of your usual bars (Stube) after. Its a mild inconvenience, but better than "entertaining" with awkward conversation or dropping $400 on a hastily planned casino trip.


-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Why wouldn't they get a hotel? Seems a bit cheap and inconsiderate. Maybe instead if you spending your money to travel, you should buy them a hotel room.

Also, why is your wife still going home? Wasn't she going home to spend Mother's Day weekend with her Mother? And now her Mother isn't going to be there so how and with who is she spending Mother's day weekend? Seems a bit fishy to me.

-Beanie

Rob said...

I am sure they are not getting a hotel because She$ said it would not be a problem and that G$ would not mind. I do agree, though, that if She$ were going home to see her family, and now her family will be down here, there is no reason for her to go home. However, what is worth more, G$? One night by yourself and one night having your in-laws at your place or having your wife down here both nights and having here there to deal with the in-laws?

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

To answer some ?s:

1. The missus is also taking care of our nieces and nephews this wknd as her sister is graduating from something that I wasn't paying attention to and needed help.
2. She definitely volunteered the house and admitted as such.
3. But its been soooo long since I've gone to a casino!

Anonymous said...

So, we can pretty much conclude that She $ pawned her parents off on her husband, so that she has an open house to sleep with another dude all weekend right?

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Graduation weekend in BG. That's all I'm saying G$. There's piss free mattress in the living room with your name on it. The best part is since I live in the Fight Club house you can do pretty much whatever you want...which includes punching holes in the walls for absolutely no reason. The only catch is you might have to cuddle with my roommate's goldfish, Cheeseburgers.

Tony B. said...

Alone time is clutch, G$- I'm sure I'll feel your pain at some point once I'm a homeowner (though I doubt either of our parents will be spending the night any time soon because they live close enough to drive home after a visit.)

Do your casinos in Ohio have actual Craps or is it the dumb (rigged?) live card version? CA casinos aren't allowed to have real dice for some reason, so there are all kinds of dumb variations that result. Gotta go to Nevada to get the real thing.

Anonymous said...

Tony- the casino is actually in Indiana, and the games are pretty much just like Vegas (except for the free booze). The Ohio casinos will be up next year and will also have similar rules as Vegas. I just don't understand why California would let you have a casino but then say dice are illegal.

G$- if I were you I'd call Cheaters to conduct an investigation. Her parents are gone (meaning the house is to herself), and she's still going home. This has affair written all over it.

I'd be down for the casino, but I may be going home Saturday. On second thought, don't call Cheaters...

Dut

GMoney said...

Are the Clippers home this weekend? That's an option I have yet to explore.

Please, fellas. There is no guy living in henry county worth sleeping with!

Anonymous said...

Clippers are at home Saturday at 7 against the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.

--Drew

Tony B. said...

Dut- the CA casino rules make zero sense to me. I've played two versions of Live Card Craps and neither was satisfying. The CA Roulette tables have wheels with card slots in them. The spin the wheel and then pull out the card from the slot to find the number. It is beyond lame. Why not just have the numbers on the wheel?

Of course, blackjack and table games like that play the exact same and poker rooms are similar. Slots and video poker are unchanged. Give the Native Americans their full rights of dice and Roulette wheels! The US has taken enough from them!

GMoney said...

And the winner is...

AAA baseball! I plan on running onto the field to stab LV mgr Ryne Sandberg!

The Iceman said...

Please, fellas. There is no guy living in henry county worth sleeping with!

Coach Downey.

Anonymous said...

"No guy in henry county worth sleeping with.."

Mr. Herman?
Shooks son?


-dut

Anonymous said...

I dong know, G$. Poopson has lost about 50 lbs. and is on the prowl. I would make sure She$ stays as far away from him as possible.

-Lil' Strut

Ide said...

That should be the general rule of thumb regardless of location or obesity level.

GMoney said...

I saw Poopson two weeks ago. What you say is not true.

Anonymous said...

G$,

(No Homo to this entire paragraph) You must have been drunk. He is a fraction of what he used to be.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

So you are saying Damman is not smart?

- Big Strut