Friday, April 22, 2011

The Royal Family Can Eat Tainted Taint

Fire in ye hole, guv-nah!
For some reason, my wife is really interested in this stupid fucking royal wedding which takes place a week from today (I think). I don't understand why. I never will. Why does ANYONE care about this? Two rich kids from a country that sucks getting married? Big fucking deal. I bet that their reception is lame as shit. They probably won't even let King Ralph play the piano! If you are reading this, chances are pretty good that you have a big ol' bag full of testicles and thus do not care about British royalty. And that is absolutely great. Good for you. But that also means that you are no help in this matter. Please, someone enlighten us in the comments about why women give a fuck about this. Hell, I'm pretty sure that my wife is going to DVR the ceremony. Weak. Yeah, enjoy that 8-10 hour drive each way for the dry wedding this weekend, NW!

But you know what, I hardly ever dedicate a day here to one of my true passions and that needs to end. Television. Today, the TV gets the recognition that it deserves. After years of wondering why the show was not in syndication, I was recently told that it was. If you get something called The Hub, then you, my friend, are blessed with nightly showings of The Wonder Years. That show might be the most underrated program of all time. I was watching it the other night and it still rules. And I really wish that they did an episode where Dan Lauria killed David Schwimmer. Schwimmer sucks. Jason Hervey rules, scrote. So there you go, The Wonder Years is back and available to the masses. But how about a few TV-related lists?

Top 5 Shows that need to come back:
-NewsRadio (the Phil Hartman years)
-Salute Your Shorts (Ug-Lee, Ug-Lee!)
-Boy Meets World (Jim Abbott episode=best 30 minutes ever)
-Tilt (what the hell is going on with the government shutting down poker sites...this is going to piss off The Matador)
-The Black Donnelly's (this short-lived show on NBC was bad-fucking-ass)
Honorable Mention - Reality Bites Back (Michael Ian Black's reality show on Comedy Central was hilarious)

Top 5 Channels that my wife watches that I want to delete off of our guide:
-Bravo again

Top 5 Best shows currently on TV:
-Justified (if you are not watching this, you are a fucking pussy)
-Parks and Recreation
-Friday Night Lights (although I thought the first episode of the final season last week was terrible)
-The Killing (if it's on AMC, you should be watching)
Honorable Mention - Game of Thrones has some serious badass potential

Top 5 people on TV that need to be killed:
-Chelsea Handler - NOT FUNNY
-Dax Shepard (Parenthood)
-Boston Rob (Survivor)
-The McCoy Family (FNL)
-Jim and Pam (The Office)

Finally, the 5 best characters on TV:
-Boyd Crowder (Justified)
-Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)
-Tracy Jordan (30 Rock)
-Cameron (Modern Family)
-Tim Riggins (FNL)

That about covers it. I could talk about TV all day so feel free to throw your weight around in the comments. But if you watch any of that Real Housewives bullshit, spend the rest of the day trying to make a sturdy noose, find a nice wooden beam, make sure that no one can hear you scream, and then hang yourself.

In conclusion, I wish that it was possible to kill Princess Di again. Hilarious. Have a good weekend. I'm on vacation next week (am doing nothing but umpiring everyday) so expect some decent posts. There will be a mock draft day somewhere, your weekly dosage of Mr. Ace, a draft recap on Friday, and quite possibly the best post that we've had in a long time (approved by Ace!). Let's just say that Porn Day is getting a sequel. How about that for a teaser! I can't think of a better way to lead us into Easter.


Anonymous said...

My wife is also obsessed with this horseshit of a wedding. She in fact is taking a personal day and watching the wedding live. The funny thing about that is, the wedding is at 4:00 am. She has not gotten up before 6:00 am in years. I am sure as hell not waking her up to watch that bullshit. I think this could be a good day for Al Quaida to reassert itself.

She informed me that the reason they are loved by females is because all little girls dream of being a princess.

Loved Tilt and Tabanga was hot.


Grumpy said...

Wonder Years is back! I've been taping it. Game of Thrones has already been renewed for a 2nd season; the first episode was that strong. If you weren't such a cheap ass and had Directv, you would have already seen Friday Night Lights. I should spoil it for you.

Housewives of Orange County rocks. I watch for all the fake tits.

Is Princess Di still dead? I never liked that bitch.

Mr. Ace said...

One of the teachers I work with is fucking obsessed. She wants to put it on the projection screen in our commons area and make all the kids watch it. Fuck that noise.

I don't watch TV series' at all. The only show I watch consistently is house. I'm more of a history/discovery/animal planet/comedy central guy. I watch monster bug wars yesterday and it was some of the best TV I've watched in months. How the fuck do you have time to watch all these shows? Get a fucking hobby...or drink more.

Anonymous said...

The Wonder Years is prolly my favorite show of all time !! Very Underrated.. Who didn't get a Chub drewling over Winnie Cooper ?

Topanga from Boy Meets World still gets my juices flowing.

That being said. G$ Ive already seen the Final Season of FNL's !!! Very good final season. Sucks it has to end.. Enjoy it.


GMoney said...

I'm juSt not a big fan of directv and I guarantee that I pay more for my cable than you do so don't call me cheap.

All girls dream of being a princess...good god that's lame.

Ace, it is kind of sad how much tv I watch but its better than the alternative of talking to the missus! For someone who watches a ton of educational shows, you should be better at trivia. Which we need to start doing again. NW was in town last night and wanted to play! Dut sucks.

Also, Ron Swanson at the health food store last night was pants-shittingly hilarious.

Grumpy said...

Mr. Ace with his History/Discover/Animal Planet bullshit. What pseudo-intellectual bullshit; he's the first to comment when there's a Jersey Shore reference.

Riggins gets gang raped in prison.

Drew said...

I thought Kate Middleton wasn't rich? I could be very wrong about that. She is hot though....and I don't have any interest in that wedding either and no male should.

TV shows that I watch...

The Killing
Jersey Shore
Any Road Rules/Real World Challenge
Every Kardashian show..even Khloe and Lamar

GMoney said...

Drew, that is really sad. Although I can never stop laughing at the joke that Bruce Jenner has become.

Mr. Ace said...

I do enjoy some jersey shore. And its not some intellectual bullshit, I will watch anything with animals…gotta keep my beastiality game tight. Also anything about prisons or gangs I will watch, especially the old school mob/capone shit. So fuck off and go jerk it to Golden Girls.

Anonymous said...

G$. We have TWC. It called the internet. I downloaded them each week of FNL


GMoney said...

That's way too much work for me. Plus, I like to stare at Connie Britton's rack on the big screen.

Jeff said...

Swamp People on history channel is awesome. Watching inbred cajuns wrestle alligators is hilarious

Grumpy said...

Mmmmmmmmm, Rue McClanahan.

John said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Upstate Underdog said...

Justified and Archer, easily the two best shows on tv right now. Sucks that Archer season 2 ended last night and that Justified only has a couple of episodes left.

GMoney said...

Thank you, UU, because I wanted to reiterate how incredible Justified is. Archer finale last night was a tad weak. I loathe Pam.

Tony B. said...

I doubt the Matador is all that upset about the online poker/gambling attack by the DoJ- in fact, because it drives people to the casinos, I would bet he was partially behind it! More cash in his pocket.

The Killing is awesome. AMC is on top of its game right now. I also like Fringe. I am confused about why Charlie from the Mighty Ducks hasn't solved the mystery of where Emilio Estevez's career went, but maybe they'll get there next season.

I'm still pissed about them canceling Carnivale on HBO. That show was awesome. Rome was also great. HBO is king of getting you to love a show and then pulling the plug on it.

The Iceman said...

Swanson was fantastic last night...
"Is that it?"
"Yep. Just the crows and the beef."
I love when he had the cookoff and served everyone.
"It's a burger. Served on a bun. With nothing else. There's some ketchup if you like...I couldn't care less."

All of my shows are starting back up in the next few months. Breaking Bad should be back on in May...I've been told. But Dexter and The Walking Dead won't be back on until September/October. I've been told that Weeds is outstanding. Can anyone confirm this? I gotta agree with G$ and say that if it's on AMC you should be watching it. Their programming is flawless.

Upstate Underdog said...

@G$, yeah Archer was a little weak but Krieger's van was awesome.

GMoney said...

Ice, Weeds is incredibly inconsistent. Its not really a comedy and they go full seasons without doing anything drug related. Mary Louise Parker is smoking so that helps. I've seen every ep and I would give the show a B.

GMoney said...

I'm going to be starting season 1 of Six Feet Under here soon. Anyone have a decent opinion on it. I hear that Dexter is homo!

The Iceman said...

My brother watched Six Feet Under. He said that after the first few episodes it gets extremely lame. Dexter is definitely a raging queen in this series.

Maybe I'll give Weeds a try. I need something to hold me over until September.

Grumpy said...

Dexter is homo, but the series is excellent. Great story lines and great acting. Claire is hot if you like redheads.

Anonymous said...

Good Point G$ on Connie's tits


Ide said...

"I'm going to be starting season 1 of Six Feet Under here soon. Anyone have a decent opinion on it. I hear that Dexter is homo!"

I'll weigh in on this one. It may be weird seeing Dexter first, but yeah, he is flaming AIDS gay with a side of ghonarrea (spoiler alert). Having said that, you'd be doing yourself a favor to watch all of it. It has THE best finale of any television show period. Yes, I've seen The Shield, and The Wire, and I still stand by that statement. No other series has a finale that ties EVERYTHING up like Six Feet Under. The last season gets a little heavy with the amount of bullshit the Fisher family goes through, but the last few episodes makes it all worth it.