Monday, April 11, 2011

Quitters, Fornicators, and Other Stuff From The Weekend

Robin Williams stole this guy's Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1997.
Not really anything happened this weekend that warrants its own post so you get a collage of different shit today.  I know, I know, you were all hoping that I did another Masters Final Round live journal, but I did not.  One, because I didn't care about who was in the final five groups.  Two, that shit takes forever to write.  And three, I didn't see Tiger making a charge and I'll be damned if I ever chronicle another Fill Michaelson win.  And honestly, who gives a fuck about some queer named Charl?  But before we get to golf, a few other topics:

*Manny is a piece of shit - If he was hoping that his retirement annoucement would spark a glowing retrospective of his career, he was dead wrong.  The dude has ZERO chance of getting into The Hall.  Why?  Because he failed steroid tests TWICE.  How dumb do you have to be?  So now I have to think that he used them his ENTIRE career.  He almost had to, right?  I mean, the league institutes a steroid policy, he knows about it, fails anyway, come back, sucks, takes more drugs, and then fails it again.  What a bukakketard.  It is pretty funny that instead of serving his hundred game suspension, he's just "going to take his old man to Spain".  Moral of the story:  The Boston Red Sox two best players from their World Series teams are cheats and those titles should be stripped.  1918, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap.  Manny will not be missed...well except by those who enjoy leftfielders cutting off the centerfielder's throws.

*Break up the Tribe! - Don't be foolish.  This won't last.  But Indians fans have to be pleased with their 7-2 start.  Now let's see if they can get more than 9K through the gates again this season.  And beating up on Boston and Seattle, the two worst teams in the league, isn't that impressive anyway.

*Mike Pouncey is fucking nuts - The Gator center said that he expects Dallas to draft him in three weeks.  That would mean that he would go 9th.  I don't know about you, but I remember this fuck tanking at least 800 shotgun snaps this past season.  He may be a great blocker and line-caller, but if you can't even snap the goddamn ball, what good are you?  So yes, I would like Dallas to draft this chode.

*Pistons are sold, still dumb - Some billionaire bought the Pistons.  Don't worry though, because apparently Joe Dumars will still be with the team in his current role.  Whew, I was worried that the Pistons might not be in the lottery for the rest of the decade and now I know that they will.  Dumars should just change his name to "Black Millen".

*Seriously, hide yo kids, hide yo wife - Art Schlichter has been granted bail!

*Congrats, kid - Miami's Andy Miele won the Hobey Baker award on Saturday which is the hockey Heisman for those that don't know.  Well deserved but it's a damn shame that I have to root against him now that he is with the 'Yotes.

*Charl-broiled the field - Worst Masters winner?  Worst Masters winner.  Out of ALL of the guys near the top on Sunday evening, I didn't want this guy to win the most.  He is terrible.  Don't give me the world ranking shit.  No one wants to watch this fuck.  Louis Oosthuizen has more charisma and cache than this poopbreather.  A South African?  Get fucked.  What a turd.  He ain't no fucking BERNHARD LANGER, motherfucker!  My boy Tiger and his putter just couldn't keep it going and that was a damn shame because he was surprisingly decent off the tee.  I will never understand why he pulls out his driver.  Just use your three wood!  It's what I do and look at MY successes on the course, goddammit!  I didn't expect to see McIlroy gag on as huge a nuts as he did either.  He should change his last name to McMickelson with that round.  That guy is a tool anyway.  "RORS" on the back of your hat?  Really?  And I HATE it when golfers where their sunglasses backwards and upside down on their head.  TAKE THEM OFF.  It was nice to see Adam Scott not do his usual sucking.  Belly putters are for homos though.  Jason Day is plugging a girl from Ohio and she appeared to be insanely hot.  Nice work, Aussie.  I hate Jim Nantz.  Verne Lundquist should be the A announcer.  He wouldn't hump Butler Cabin as often as Nantz does.  Mickelson is still a buttfucking cheese taint.  Charl Swartzel has a green jacket...thanks for wasting my time.

Ummmm, that about covers it for me today.  Charl.  What kind of a fucking name is that?  Africa sucks. Kill Mandela!!! Bring back Apartheid!!!  I will freely admit to not really knowing exactly what apartheid is/was although I do know that it was bad so if you want to educate me in the comments, I'll allow it.  For now, I'll just assume it's Ernie Els raping Gary Player.  Oh and watch The Killing on AMC, best new show on TV.  It's no Justified, but it still rules.


Grumpy said...

Do you do any research before you write? Pouncey will be a guard; not much snapping of the ball there.

The Killing is terrific; I think we mirror each others tv viewing. Scary.

Tiger misses a 4 footer for eagle to take the lead. Make that and the birdie he blew on the next hole and he would have been up 2. He was better when he was fucking porn stars.

The Iceman said...

Manny's in the hall. Just like Clemens will be and just like Bonds will be. McGwire and Sosa didn't make it in because their numbers weren't that impressive ON TOP of being man-tittied roiders. Manny's numbers are too good to keep him out...even with steroids.

Way to go just made your first horrible decision as team owner. I hope you like Dumars collecting aging shooting guards on that team like an episode of "Hoarders".

Anonymous said...

Did you notice what Tiger's awesome caddie was wearing, or not wearing? He was rocking the natural under shirt under that painter's jumpsuit. Yeah, no under shirt and probably nothing else on at all. I thought that would have brought home a win for Tiger.

The Killing is great.

The Tribe is be a decent team this year. Yes, this will probably be their only 7-game win streak but they'll be above .500 and a competitive team so we'll take it. In Cleveland that will feel like a championship team. But as we all know, Cleveland teams are like strip clubs... They get you excited but no happy endings.


GMoney said...

Steve always goes full nude under that painter's uniform! And yes, Tiger was better when he was drilling everything within reach.

I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in a golf tourney then after tiger missed that eagle. I'm lame.

Josh Beckett still blows.

Anonymous said...

Your knowledge of golf may be at an all time low. While we didn't get the big name winner, or the guy most wanted to win. This Masters turned out great. Hell you had Tiger fire 31 on the front 9 to tie the lead. Hell withing 5 holes to go, you had atleast 8 golfers who had a shot at winning this thing. Pure excitement. While Charl may not win another major. The guy can fucking play. And he can say what several greats cant. I got a fucking green jacket. Now go choke yourself ! Jason Day is the fucking man !


Drew said...

The Yankees should have all their stuff stripped during the A-Fraud years too. At least Miggy just needs booze for his greatness.

That tourney did suck. Jason Day's wife was insanely hot. If you Google Image her name, there are some pictures of her caddying for him during the Par 3 last week...her caddy uniform number was 69...awesome. find that pussy yet?

Nobody has any clue what Gores is going to do and that includes Dumars. The only thing we know about him is that he has tons of glamor shots of himself on the internet where the top three buttons on his shirts are always unbuttoned....and he had a filthy affair with his brother's wife a few years ago.

I went to the Sabres/Jackets game on Saturday night....Sabres fans basically took over downtown Columbus. Anyways, we got beers during the second intermission and came back to our seats to see a black guy in his 50's sitting in one of the seats. He was holding two 24oz Budweisers. I told him that he was in the wrong seats and his response was "You can suck my fucking dick". It was awesome. Some good conversation ensued.

Playoff hockey starts this of the best times of the year.

GMoney said...

So you sucked his dick, right? And what is a black guy doing at a hockey game? Probably selling drugs.

Irishman, I don't care how good the golf is, none of those fucks had any personality at all and I'm like many dicks out there that need a reason to watch and care about these guys. Go fuck Charl's buck teeth.

The Iceman said...

And what is a black guy doing at a hockey game? Probably selling drugs.


MUDawgfan said...

Golf tends to by cyclical, the best young players in the world are all Euros or South African.

Tiger, Phil, Davis Love, etc - all over the hill and these young guns can stripe it 335 without breaking a sweat.

Expect the foriegners to win the majors for the next couple of years.

Anonymous said...

Drew- I need more information about the black dude in your seat. Did he move? Did you back down like a school girl bitch? Did he know there was a hockey game going on? Did he steal anything from you?

The masters was entertaining. I was doing some live betting that didn't pan out. I think I had every golfer except Charl's gay ass. He doesn't even have a hot wife. I expected him to walk past her and find one of the gold diggers in the crowd afterward.


Drew said...

He was pretty drunk. I showed him on his ticket that he was in the wrong section and he proceeded to tell us that we were "huge fucking ass-holes" and "a bunch of cocksuckers". I told him to get the fuck out of the seats and to go fuck himself....then some woman started yelling at me and telling me that I was ruining her game experience by using such foul language. It was an interesting 45 seconds.

GMoney said...

Fuck her. She was at a blue jackets game meaning that she ruined her own game experience. Goddamn that team folded like whoa.

Tony B. said...

Drew- your story was better/more entertaining this this year's Masters.

The Killing is awesome, but I haven't seen last night's episode yet. I watched the Comedy Awards (not as funny as it should've been) and an unusually strong Family Guy. I liked Peter's fight with Washy Washy- excellent SFII scene.