Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Long-Awaited Sequel To Porn Day!

Alright, men.  Ya'll ready for dis?  Over a year ago, Mr. Ace entertained us all with his post on porn.  We learned that he enjoys himself some big natural tittays.  His wife was not too pleased.  I expect She$ to be equally unimpressed after this.  But we must do it.  We must.  And so we are.  That's right, how about a live journal of the 2011 AVN awards?  Oh yes I am.  We know so little about the seedy underbelly of adult films.  Let's change that.  I DVR'ed the taping of this on Showtime last night.  Two hours of porn's best and brightest from the past year.  So slide on your cock ring and enjoy.

:01 - Looks like we're going to get 30 minutes of red carpet bullshit before the awards are given out.  Dave Navarro is interviewing stars with Jesse Jane, Kirsten Price and some other dumb whore.  Navarro is wearing a blazer with no shirt underneath.  What a douchebag.
:03 - Jenna Haze is here and is nominated for 17 awards.  Jesus Christ, how long is this show going to be?
:05 - Navarro interviews some fans which includes a few Asian guys that are way too excited to be there.  By the way, this is being held at The Palms...hilarious.
:06 - Nikki Benz is wearing a dress with a hood on...terrible.  RON JEREMY IS HERE!!!  Navarro calls him handsome and Ron vehemently disagrees.  Classic hedgehog!
:08 - George Maloof is here.  Go Kings!
:08 - Tera Patrick is in the house and talking about some book she wrote.  No one cares, you bag of gonorrhea, get back to getting fucked on camera.
:09 - Navarro reminds Kacey Jordan that they've banged a few times.  She doesn't seem embarrassed eventhough she should be.  Jessie Andrews is absolutely disgusting but she does say that she wants to suck Manuel Ferarra's cock (whoever that is) while Jesse Jane talks about the same guy sticking it up her ass.  The Oscars, this is not.
:13 - Price interviewing a bunch of British people, "I love your accents.  It makes me want to ride your faces."  Alright!
:14 - Bombshell McGee and her disgusting tattoos admits to fucking in an autopsy room before.  I wish it was her that was dead.
:15 - Stoya telling the story of her first double penetration.  I have never heard of this bitch before but I'm enjoying her story. 1/8th done!

:16 - Jesse grabs and rubs an old man's cock.  Eat shit, Joan Rivers!
:18 - Navarro asks Angelina Valentine to explain what makes a good oral sex scene.  Hey asshole, it doesn't take a doctorate to know what makes a good oral sex scene.  I hate Navarro.  Valentine: "You have to be a hardcore bitch to take a big dick."  Well then!
:20 - Lisa Lampenelli is your emcee for the night.  This ought to be good.  She's about as funny as strangling bunnies.  Seriously, she is a terrible comedienne.  Her whole schtick is about black cocks...not the best place to tell those jokes.  She might get what she wants.  I hope that Lexington Steele destroys her.
:22 - Brittany Andrews:  "I've licked a lot of ass and had a fabulous time!"  Teagan Presley Alert!!!  She should have never gotten her tits done or that horrible full arm tat.  But still...erection.
:24 - Savanna Samson went into the Hall of Fame this year.  Where is the AVN Hall of Fame because that will be the wife and I's next vacation destination.
:25 - Tori Black, one of tonight's hosts along with Riley Steele, is here with a black guy.  Well done, random black guy!  Drew is so jealous.  Goddamn, Tori is smoking hot.
:26 - Dale DaBone is dressed up like Elvis for some reason and doing the vocal impression.  This makes zero sense.  EVAN STONE IN THE HOUSE!!!  With short hair?  Weak. Captain Edward Reynolds has long flowing locks.
:28 - Red Carpet bullshit is over.  The actual award show is starting now.  About fucking time.  At least we're done with Dave Navarro.  Jane's Addiction is the worst band ever not named Rush!

:30 - Opening comedy segment with LL.  This is going to be brutal.  She does a Betty White joke about fistfucking and no one laughs.  Now complimenting the large dicks of porn.  Still no response.  Oh great, we've reached the segment on black cocks.  LL makes a joke about small Asian members and there is an Asian in the audience!  He's fucking pissed!  This is great.  This guy wants to kick her face off.  Painful.  This is absolutely painful.  LL is getting ZERO reaction from these morons.  GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE, WHORE.  A Carnie Wilson joke?  That went over about as well as expected.  3 minutes on her new husband's nutsack...I want to kill myself.  Oh thank God she's done.  Worst six minutes of my life.  Bring out Riley and Tori!  They look even hotter next to that gargoyle.
:36 - Riley Steele looks exactly like Mila Kunis.  EXACTLY.  Best oral sex scene up first.  Tommy Gunn presents and looks just like Lou Diamond Phillips.  The winner for best BJ of the year is none other than Tori Black in Stripper Diaries!  Tori's speech:  "Keep watching me and I'll keep sucking cock the way I do".  That quote is on Ide's business card.
:38 - Best all girl sex scene is up next and the presenters are EVAN STONE and Lil Strut's favorite, Shyla Stylez!  The winners are...Jenna Haze and Monique Alexander from MEOW!  Apparently these two used to be in love with each other.  They both thank each other for letting them eat each other's snatch.  Nice.  Monique shows off her new tits backstage.  Surprisingly, these are the first tits of the night.  This isn't nearly as erotic as I expected.
:41 - We come back and Evan Stone is motorboating Shyla's ass cheeks.  And I'm not joking.  I think I saw Tom Hanks do this to Cate Blanchett at the Oscars a few years ago.  Next award is for best Gonzo release.  What the fuck does that mean?  Buttwoman Vs. Slutwoman wins although I would have voted for Buttman's Bend Over Babes 7!  Porno movies have the best titles.

:43 - There are 15 girls up for female performer of the year so we have little vignettes for all the nominees.  Tori Black (heard of), Riley Steele (heard of), Asa Akira (heard of and she is outstanding), Faye Reagan (never heard of and she is nasty, her face is one big ass freckle), and Bobbi Starr (never heard of but she played the oboe in college!).
:47 - Tera Patrick out to present best actor award.  Maybe she'll talk about her book again.  Tom Byron wins for his Big Lebowski parody.  I don't care at all.  Best interracial release is up next.  This ought to be hilarious.  Oh come on, was there any doubt at all that Lex The Impaler 5 was going to win?  Jules Jordan is a tiny white dude if you were wondering.  I did not know that.
:51 - Lexington Steele gets complimented backstage for "murdering girls with his cock".  That should be an award.  LL talks about bleaching her asshole.  I'm going to be sick.
:52 - Best double penetration scene?  Seal better be nominated.  Asa Akira wins probably because she was the only nominee who didn't have two black dudes stick it to her.  It's her first AVN, people!  This is history!
:55 - Best Pornstar Website goes to--whoa, two chicks making out in the crowd!  That makes no sense.  Joanna Angel wins.  I have never heard of her or that site.  Time to familiarize myself with it.  JA: "Thank you for paying for porn"!  That's amateur shit.  Who pays for porn?
:56 - Time to meet the next five best female performer nominees:  Kristina Rose (never heard of), Lexi Belle (never heard of), Misty Stone (never heard of, token ugly black skank...not attractive at all), Kagney Linn Karter (never heard of, she has bruises all over her legs...nice), and Jenna Haze (Yes!  She gets my vote just for her corkscrew BJ technique which she is discussing!).  Whew, halfway done!

1:00 - An Ellen DeGeneres joke!  Lisa Lampanelli FUCKING SUCKS.
1:01 - Best selling release of the year?  This is stupid.  You know damn well that Batman XXX is going to win.  And it does.  Evan Stone AND Ron Jeremy were in that!  I guarantee that Ron was The Penguin.  Dale DaBone came out of retirement to be Batman...show some respect!  He's still doing the Elvis thing.  It is still fucking retarded.
1:03 - Ron Jeremy backstage interview.  He has a harmonica for some reason and talking about his role in Jurassic Cock.  Now he's strangling Jessie Andrews for some reason.  Kill her, Ron!!!
1:04 - Three attorneys are presenting the next award.  I'm sure that they are well-respected throughout the legal system.  We get a recap of some lawsuit the federal government dropped on some porn guy named John Stagliano.  You aren't missing anything.  I guess he won some lifetime achievement award.  This is boring.  Where is Rex Grossman?  He should be here.
1:11 - Ashley Madison Award for Crossover Star of the Year:  Jesse Jane, Sasha Grey (who was awful on Entourage), Riley Steele, Savanna Samson (who was nominated for doing a fucking COMMERCIAL?).  Steele is going to win.  Some broad in the audience shows her nipple ring.  Yep, I was right on the winner.
1:15 - Kagney Linn here to present...I have no idea...it appears that she can't read a teleprompter.  Best new starlet?  I hope my penis is paying attention.  There are about 20 nominees for some reason.  How hard is it just to pick 5 or 6?  Gracie Glam is the winner.  Eh, she doesn't seem that great.  It appears that she has acne on her chest.  Delicious.

1:18 - The final five nominees for best female performer are:  Andy San Dimas (heard of only because she plays Marge in The Simpsons porn parody), Monique Alexander (never heard of), Kayden Kross (never heard of but HOLY SHIT!), Alexis Texas (never heard of and admittedly NOT from Texas), and finally, Kimberly Kane (never heard of and seems like a cunt).  There is no doubt in my mind that Tori Black wins for the 2nd year in a row.
1:21 - Best threeway is up and some black dude named Prince Joshua is here to present.  Silly asshole, black guys can't be royalty!  The winner is...two idiots and a guy named Mr. Pete.  The AVN award itself is gay.  Shouldn't it be a big golden dick?  Because it isn't.  It's just one of those big red EASY buttons from Office Depot but with AVN on it instead. 
1:24 - Fan favorite awards time and one of the presenters is the aforementioned Asian guy that got pissed off earlier!  He's British?  He sounds British.  Is Asian-British even possible?  Jenna Haze is the fan favorite and favorite body goes to Alektra Blue.  Favorite movie goes to Asa Akira (how can a person win favorite movie?).  Wow though, they got the best body 100% right.
1:29 - Best couples sex scene...Kristina Rose as Slutwoman!  Whatever, I'm getting bored.  She has no voice.  Insert your own joke about swallowing.

1:32 - Time for Best Actress which is apparently different from Female Performer of the Year.  These damn AVN's are confusing as shit.  A tie?  Really?  India Summer and Andy San Dimas.  That's fucking lame as shit.  THERE ARE NO TIES IN PORN!  India Summer appears to be 85 years old.
1:36 - Best parody awards are up.  "Elvis" is presenting these.  THIS IS GAY but he does call Lex's member a "Mississippi Mudsnake".  I laughed.  Does anyone care about these two awards?  I don't.  You can look up the winners on your own if you care.
1:41 - In case you were wondering, the Jersey Shore porn parody did not win.  Porno The Situation was hilarious though.  He had about a million gold chains.
1:43 - YES, we've finally gotten to the Female Performer of the Year award.  Ron Jeremy and Teagan Presley are presenting.  Ron: "I've never fucked an apple pie, but I may fuck a few dried prunes every once in awhile".  Hilarious.  I really should have hugged that man at the Vegas airport.
1:45 - The winner is...TORI BLACK!  She goes back-to-back!  Tori is presented with an iPad and iPhone, too, for some reason.
1:46 - Fuck!  There are more awards?  One of the presenters is on crutches.  This makes me laugh.  Best Feature is hopefully the last award.  Again, there are a million nominees.  "Speed" wins.  That title sucks.  Brad Armstrong confirms that Kenny Stiles is the only Asian man in porn.  He should still ninja kick Lisa Lampanelli in the box.  And...the show is over...thankfully.

Hmmmmm, I hope that you guys didn't hate this.  I included links (you should NOT click on them if you are at work which I probably should have stated at the beginning of this) to help get you through.  The links took about as long as the show was.  In conclusion, I hope I helped increase your spank bank.  And for future reference, don't watch the AVN Awards.  It was pretty disappointing likely due to Lisa Lampanelli's horrendous act.  Enjoy the Draft tonight.

9 comments:

Grumpy said...

Outstanding! I didn't know the AVN awards show was televised; I'm on my way to find an encore showing to tape.

What, no MILF awards?

GMoney said...

I bet there was but it wasn't televised. Some producer guy was up for 28 awards! I think it's on Showtime again this Saturday. I'm serious though, it isn't that great.

Lisa Ann was there so I'm guessing she won MILF of the year. Those Palin videos had to give her some clout.

The Iceman said...

If you had the first pick in the 2011 fantasy porn draft...who would you select?

GMoney said...

I have Amy Reid #1 on my board.

Mr. Ace said...

Slightly disappointed. I bet the AVN was a giant orgy a decade ago. Masturbation has gone mainstream!!!


Your porn knowledge is questionable. How do you not know who some of those lovely ladies are? Alexis Texas? Kayden Kross? Kagney? You're better than that.


Gianna Michaels is off the board at #2.

Grumpy said...

There are multiple replays but none in HD until 5/5. I'll wait for that one.

We should have a Money Shot porn watching marathon. You guys missed the Golden Age of Porn, late 70's and through most of the 80's. Vanessa del Rio, Juliet Anderson, Kay Parker, Samantha Fox, Annette Haven; elegant, classy women, not like the skanks of today.

GMoney said...

Drew is having troubles with his comments today. That is sad. I just like to think he's whacking it.

Grump, consider me out on a porn watching marathon with you.

The Iceman said...

I'll take alexis texas with the 3rd pick. She may not be the best available on the board but she satifies a need...an obsession with bubble butts.

Grumpy said...

What if I bring baby oil?