Douche Lord of the Week. Commenter Dustin is back for his second go-round. Commenter Daniel sent me a text seeing if I wanted to meet up and play tummy sticks while watching the draft. Of course I did, so we agreed to meet up at Barley's. I was then told commenters Lil Strut and Dustin would be attending the party...the more dicks the merrier. Then I get a text from Daniel saying, "Dut says Barley's isn't sporty enough." I don't know what isn't sporty about barbeque and microbrew, but maybe he has a better suggestion. Dustin's suggestion, of course, is his house...the fuck? What is less sporty than a basement featuring bright red leather sofa's covered with seminal fluid and piss from the past five years? Tressel appreciates your support. Douche Lorded.
I Need Dat Weed. When Janoris Jenkins announced he was staying at Florida instead entering the draft to be a surefire first round pick, I called him an idiot. Well guess what, I was right. Turns out Jenkins was living the good life at Florida slaying hoes and smoking hash...but just a little too much hash for new head coach Will Muschamp. Where Urban would have just suspended Jenkins for the first half against FGCA&M after his second drug related arrest in three months, Muschamp has fucking stones and sent the kid packing. That better have been some multi-million dollar weed.
Did you see how that worked Fuckeyes? Crime--->Punishment. Crazy, huh?
Lets Talk About Stress, Baby. (Yes, that is a George Michael and Salt n Pepa reference in the same post. Culture and Sophistication, it's what I do) I have always been able to handle stress. I was Mariano Rivera in the World Series. John Elway in a playoff game against the Browns. Jordan with Craig Ehlo trying to hold his jock. I was unphasable. But then a crude combination of work, school, and life struck and I found myself overwhelmed and in desperate need of a Jeffrey. I mostly blame the internet because every time I try to sit down and crank out some school work I end up on Facebook for hours and hours for absolutely no fucking reason, reading the sexbag at KSK, trolling the board at Mgoblog, or reading Deadspin's Drunken Hookup Failures. The internet has given me ADD, at least it's not AIDS. But at this point I need to find a stress reliever that leaves me functional enough to do school work (i.e. not an illegal substance). This is what has been doing it for me the last two months.
1. Cigar. There is just something about a cigar that is good for your soul. It slows the world down around you. It makes you feel important. And you can't smoke it inside, unless you want your place to smell like a tobacco pipe and old balls, so it forces you away from whatever is stressing you. But none of that black n mild bullshit. Gotta be the good stuff...and Cohiba is overrated.
2. Booze. There is almost never a time when I sit down to type a paper that I'm not consuming an alcoholic beverage. This goes for typing up a blogpost too. I think this technically makes me an alcoholic since I need a chemical substance to perform a normal activity, but I'm okay with that. Relaxation is key, and booze is key to my relaxation.
3. Music. Music almost always accompanies any of the other three. Right now my go-to stress killer is "Get Away" by J Cole. It almost immediately knocks me down from blowing up a church to roughing up a 10 year old. But a solid music break can always remedy any situation. Feel like giving the Rock Bottom to a kid at work? Just throw on the head phones. Feel like calling your professor and threatening to gut her poodle if she doesn't give you an extension on your final paper? Just throw on the head phones. Even Eminem's "Kill You" can somehow find a way to calm me down instead of spurring mass murder.
4. Exercise. And no, I'm not talking about going to the gym and going Arnold for an hour, that would just make me fucking RAGE. I'm talking about just getting away and going for a run/walk on a trail somewhere far away from anything that matters. Everybody has a little bit of hippie inside of them, getting out into nature is a good thing.
5. Movie. But it's got to be something crazy. If I'm going to waste two hours of my precious time it better do the fucking job. For example, yesterday I watched Natural Born Killers. It was crazy. This is a good example.
You might think that jerkin it or sexxin would be on this list...but I just find myself thinking about how worthless I am and how much other shit I need to be doing. I know you evil fucktards get stressed out doing whatever it is you do, how do you deal?
Brutus. Columbusites(?) where the hell can I find a garden statue of Brutus the Buckeye, about 3 feet tall. My parents have done some serious landscaping work and apparently their garden is in need of a mascot. All hateful Fuckeye jokes aside(and there are many) I need to find one of these things for my father's birthday. Any ideas? And are they available with sleeve tats?