Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hump Day Dump: I Want Your Stress

(Hint Hint)

Douche Lord of the Week. Commenter Dustin is back for his second go-round. Commenter Daniel sent me a text seeing if I wanted to meet up and play tummy sticks while watching the draft. Of course I did, so we agreed to meet up at Barley's. I was then told commenters Lil Strut and Dustin would be attending the party...the more dicks the merrier. Then I get a text from Daniel saying, "Dut says Barley's isn't sporty enough." I don't know what isn't sporty about barbeque and microbrew, but maybe he has a better suggestion. Dustin's suggestion, of course, is his house...the fuck? What is less sporty than a basement featuring bright red leather sofa's covered with seminal fluid and piss from the past five years? Tressel appreciates your support. Douche Lorded.

I Need Dat Weed. When Janoris Jenkins announced he was staying at Florida instead entering the draft to be a surefire first round pick, I called him an idiot. Well guess what, I was right. Turns out Jenkins was living the good life at Florida slaying hoes and smoking hash...but just a little too much hash for new head coach Will Muschamp. Where Urban would have just suspended Jenkins for the first half against FGCA&M after his second drug related arrest in three months, Muschamp has fucking stones and sent the kid packing. That better have been some multi-million dollar weed.

Did you see how that worked Fuckeyes? Crime--->Punishment. Crazy, huh?

Lets Talk About Stress, Baby. (Yes, that is a George Michael and Salt n Pepa reference in the same post. Culture and Sophistication, it's what I do) I have always been able to handle stress. I was Mariano Rivera in the World Series. John Elway in a playoff game against the Browns. Jordan with Craig Ehlo trying to hold his jock. I was unphasable. But then a crude combination of work, school, and life struck and I found myself overwhelmed and in desperate need of a Jeffrey. I mostly blame the internet because every time I try to sit down and crank out some school work I end up on Facebook for hours and hours for absolutely no fucking reason, reading the sexbag at KSK, trolling the board at Mgoblog, or reading Deadspin's Drunken Hookup Failures. The internet has given me ADD, at least it's not AIDS. But at this point I need to find a stress reliever that leaves me functional enough to do school work (i.e. not an illegal substance). This is what has been doing it for me the last two months.

1. Cigar. There is just something about a cigar that is good for your soul. It slows the world down around you. It makes you feel important. And you can't smoke it inside, unless you want your place to smell like a tobacco pipe and old balls, so it forces you away from whatever is stressing you. But none of that black n mild bullshit. Gotta be the good stuff...and Cohiba is overrated.

2. Booze. There is almost never a time when I sit down to type a paper that I'm not consuming an alcoholic beverage. This goes for typing up a blogpost too. I think this technically makes me an alcoholic since I need a chemical substance to perform a normal activity, but I'm okay with that. Relaxation is key, and booze is key to my relaxation.

3. Music. Music almost always accompanies any of the other three. Right now my go-to stress killer is "Get Away" by J Cole. It almost immediately knocks me down from blowing up a church to roughing up a 10 year old. But a solid music break can always remedy any situation. Feel like giving the Rock Bottom to a kid at work? Just throw on the head phones. Feel like calling your professor and threatening to gut her poodle if she doesn't give you an extension on your final paper? Just throw on the head phones. Even Eminem's "Kill You" can somehow find a way to calm me down instead of spurring mass murder.

4. Exercise. And no, I'm not talking about going to the gym and going Arnold for an hour, that would just make me fucking RAGE. I'm talking about just getting away and going for a run/walk on a trail somewhere far away from anything that matters. Everybody has a little bit of hippie inside of them, getting out into nature is a good thing.

5. Movie. But it's got to be something crazy. If I'm going to waste two hours of my precious time it better do the fucking job. For example, yesterday I watched Natural Born Killers. It was crazy. This is a good example.

You might think that jerkin it or sexxin would be on this list...but I just find myself thinking about how worthless I am and how much other shit I need to be doing. I know you evil fucktards get stressed out doing whatever it is you do, how do you deal?

Brutus. Columbusites(?) where the hell can I find a garden statue of Brutus the Buckeye, about 3 feet tall. My parents have done some serious landscaping work and apparently their garden is in need of a mascot. All hateful Fuckeye jokes aside(and there are many) I need to find one of these things for my father's birthday. Any ideas? And are they available with sleeve tats?


Grumpy said...

To de-stress I watch GILF porn and jerk off.

Everybody has a gnome in their garden. Think outside the box. Dress up Dut and use him as a live gnome. Instant YouTube sensation.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, I think if I did that all of the childhood memories he has repressed would come flooding back...which makes that a hell of an idea.

GMoney said...

Ugh, don't go over to Dut's. Go to a bar like a man. He'll probably just want to watch whatever Real Housewives bullshit is on.

Remember one thing about cigars, Lange is bringing a shitload of Swisher Sweets to the DFL Draft this year as a celebration for his title. I'm all over that!

If you're looking for a Brutus gnome, may I suggest Hell? They have to have a ton of those down there.

Leave me alone for the next three hours...I'm writing tomorrow's post about porn, dammit!

Daniel said...

Where are we going for the draft? Lets decide u twatbags. I will probably bounce from work at 4...get a swoll in then throw on the Flutie jersey ready to see the Bills take Aaron Maybin #3 again.

Mr. Ace said...

Don't forget the Jergens.

Daniel, any establishment with beer and food is fine with me.

Drew said...

"Dut says Barley's isn't sporty enough" that line.

I would guess Buckeye Corner on Lane would be your best bet as they have a lot of random shit on top of clothes. Call to make sure though.

The Iceman said...

Whenever I'm stressed I play basketball at the student rec. You can totally get all of your rage out on the court. Grab a board and swing a bow catching some loud mouth stooge in the temple, throw an extra hard on the ball screen 40 feet from the hoop, uproot the guy you're guarding and box him out until you hit another court...the possibilities are endless.

Plus, nothing makes you feel better than playing on the "black court", having all of the black guys loudly commenting about how whitey's gonna suck, then lighting their asses up from 3 land. That's right bitch...whitey can shoot. Steve Kerr represent.

If you watch the draft at Dut's, don't forget to put your tampons in your purse. In between draft picks you guys can discuss who has the heaviest flow and sorest nipples.

Anonymous said...

I lol'd when I saw the banner today. Nicely done! I think that makes 4 weeks that my face has been featured.. Making me the face of the blog. Is that because I'm the smartest or best looking? Or both?

I don't care where we watch the draft. Barleys doesn't even have TV's, so I'm not sure why you'd want to watch it there. I'm up for downtown, Roosters, or my house. Just give me some notice if were going to my house so I can hide my white robe and pointy hat. White power!

I bet you can find an OSU gnome on the internet.

Ace- don't lie about exercising to relieve stress. You haven't exercised since backyard baseball at Bernie's.


Mr. Ace said...

I was talking about Barley's Smokehouse not the Brewery. But I'm down for whatever.

Iceman, I get to do this a few times a week playing ball with the mini gangsters I work with. I often yell out, "Range for days" after making it rain. Good times.

And Dut, you're right, rolling my ankle in backyard baseball pretty much let me know exercise just wasn't for me.

And it needs to be Brutus, not just some ass gnome. I have found one that is 18" tall, but was hoping to find one about twice that size.

GMoney said...

You fags have got nothing on the backyard baseball that Reba and us used to play. Very rarely do the old guys comprise the golden age of BYB, but we did. No debating this.

Well, I finished my post for tomorrow. Make sure you carve out 20 minutes of time tomorrow morning. Jesus Christ, it is extremely long.

Daniel said...

Who hit a one handed HR in there first ever backyard baseball at bat?

Hall of Famer Daniel of course.

Tony B. said...

Iceman- you just reminded me of a time I was visiting Chicago and went out to play at a public park. The black dudes were calling me "Billy Ho" by the end of the afternoon. Definitely a good call on basketball to relieve stress.

I think Tecmo Super Bowl would also qualify as a great stress reliever.

The Iceman said...

Gotta represent tony. Or larry birds efforts were wasted.

Mr. Ace said...

Basketball is for fucking homosexuals. Fuck you both.