Thursday, April 07, 2011

From The Desk of...The Iceman

Never mess with a guy whose nickname is "Full Throttle"
By the time you sit on the toilet to read this, I should be finishing up my weight loss program of having teeth ripped out of mouf.  I guess you could say that I'm removing my wisdom from Mouf Beach.  Whatever.  The wife thinks it's crazy that I still plan on going to the gym and working on our yard that is 90% comprised of dead grass this afternoon.  I am no pussy.  But you have to read something today so how about a guest post from The Iceman?  No?  Tough shit.  Take it away, most hated guy in the comments!
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When I was in high school, my brother went to Eastern Michigan and walked on to the football team. He never played but made some interesting friends. The most interesting/dangerous/insane human I have ever met happened to play linebacker on EMU's team when Josh Iceman played. His name is Jason Short.

Short didn't drink beer. He didn't like it. Instead Short would show up to parties carrying a 5th of vodka and would usually have it polished off within 2 hours. Short would wrestle women. Like, for real wrestle them when they took it as playful flirting. You could see the smile quickly fade as Short would pull off a prefectly executed figure four or torture rack. Short also loved to headbutt. If he were a Mortal Kombat character, the headbutt would definitely be his finishing move. Short REALLY loved to headbutt when he was drunk...and has the teeth scars on his forehead to prove it.

My lasting memory of Short is twofold. First, he made the Ypsilanti paper 2 times in one day. The front page for making 15 tackles in a big win for Eastern Michigan (ed.--those don't happen)...and the back page for beating the shit out of a guy in a bar fight. The second story is as follows:

One night, drunk at a party with a ton of football players, Short commands the music be shut off. Fearing the flying headbutt attack, the closest person obliges him. Short then pauses for what seems like 10 minutes and says calmly, "We never do anything as a team anymore." Everyone just looks around at each other confused, wondering if Short has finally lost it. Out of nowhere Short screams, "Let's fuckin kill somebody!" From the back room one of the players yells, "Fuck yeah, Short! Let's do it!" Without saying another word, Short leaves the house as everyone cleans the piss out of their pants.

About 20 minutes later, Short comes barging through the door with a human slung over his shoulder (ed. note--I picture it like Cousin Eddie bringing Frank Shirley into the Griswold home). Short throws him on the couch and screams, "Let's fuckin do it! Let's kill this fucker!" The look on this kids face was priceless. You could tell he had never met Short before in his life and literally had no idea if he was still going to be alive in 5 minutes. He was paralyzed with fear. Seconds later, a guy on the team walks in and says, "Short! What the fuck man? You can't kill that guy...he's my cousin!" Short snaps out of his trance instantly and says, "Aww, my bad." He helps the kid up, grabs him a beer and the party continues like nothing ever happened. If I had to wager money, I would say 15 years after that incident Jason Short is most likely dead or in jail.

G$ Follow-up Comment: Wow. You know damn well that he was going to kill that poor bastard.

Iceman Follow-up to the Follow-up: No doubt in my head. This guy once chased a truck down on foot that was speeding down the street of the party he was at, made the driver take him back to the party, then had the guy apologize for driving him back so slow (ed.--that is absolutely hilarious). He was a helluva linebacker but a pretty unstable dude. He really reminded me of Jon Favreau's character on The Replacements.
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Sounds more like a "Lattimer from The Program" kind of guy to me.  You know, I doubt that I would ever want to watch someone get murdered.  I don't know this for sure, but I would bet that I would not like that.  But I think it would be enjoyable to watch a half-assed attempted murder.  That would be funny to see a guy shit his pants.  Either way, Jason Short could have done us all a favor if he had forgone his NFL career with the Eagles and Jags and just killed The Iceman instead. 

19 comments:

Grumpy said...

Preferably killed him before this lame ass post. That's all you got, a third hand account of an unknown linebacker from Eastern Michigan? Guess nothing much exciting happens in your mother's basement.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump...ever since I put up that GIF of the bouncing tits last week you have been very bitter. Just get a fucking hooker already.

Drew said...

Ace...lay off Grumpy and go find the cat.

Story would have been much better if Short kicked Iceman's high school punk ass.

GMoney said...

That was fun. Not bad at all considering a woman did it. Waiting in line for Vicodin now...just like Brett Favre!

Anonymous said...

The Iceman, Coach Downey, and Ceasar Rodriguez story from Iceman's high school days would be a much better story to tell...LOL

The Iceman said...

Lay off Ceasar, man. Best mexican running back in the history of high school football! We called him the Mexican Speedball...or at least I did.

Can't wait to hear Grumpy's guest post about panning for gold in unsettled South Dakota. He can tell us about the time that Wild Bill Hickok totally robbed him of 4 bits in a brothel poker game and how he barely survived small pox.

Anonymous said...

A D-1 college football player who dislikes beer, so he pounds fifths of liquor in short amounts of time instead? Sounds like someone I know...

-Lil' Strut

Grumpy said...

Barely survived syphilis.

Anonymous said...

Lil Strut- the difference is this D1 football player looks for fights after pounding a bottle of liquor. The one you're referring to just offends every non-white person in the bar!

Is there anything worse than someone who gets drunk and looks for fights? Can't we all just get along, have fun, and hit on chicks?

Dut

GMoney said...

Iceman, did Josh play with Charlie Batch? It would be a lot cooler if he did. It would not be cool if he played with Walt Church.

I just bought a bottle of Jack with my vikes...hilarious.

Drew said...

G$....Has your boyfriend spoken with any anticipation about how he's excited that his cock won't have to graze your back molars any longer as he pounds it down your throat?

GMoney said...

I assume that he will be pleased.

The Iceman said...

He actually did play with Charlie Chuckles. Same era. He was also there the same time that Earl Boykins was. He said that Boykins would sit in the rec in a corner and dribble tennis balls while wearing gloves. He also said Boykins sounds like how he envisions frogs would sound if they could talk.

Drew said...

Second best player on that EMU basketball team was Derrick Dial.

Tony B. said...

Group murder does seem like the ultimate team building exercise. Forget lame ropes courses or ice breakers where you find out more about each other- the act of taking someone's life and then keeping it a secret will really pull a group together (or tear them apart.) If he's not dead, the guy is probably a motivational speaker.

Odds that kid would've died if he wasn't someone's cousin? 6 to 5, I'm guessing.

The Iceman said...

I'm saying it was about a 75% chance this guy was gonna die. These guys I would party with were pretty crazy but were always a good time for a 16/17 high school kid. I always got left alone because I always brought a shit load of booze with me. Bribes are the best way to keep people from fucking with you. They would have parties kinda like what you see in college movies. One night they broke into their landlord's office building and threw a party that about 100 people showed up to. One of my brother's best friends was the starting offensive tackle Clay Mihare...who was a 6'6" Samoan who broke my parents couch by diving on it "Superfly Snuka" style when he was drunk in Napoleon for Easter. Clay also bitch slapped and broke the window of the bar he worked at one night...it was his way of telling them he quit. That just goes to show you that even when you play for a horrible division one football team...you can still do whatever the fuck you want.

Anonymous said...

Below is a link for an interview with this guy. He certainly sounds like a guy who spent his entire career playing with no regard for his body. In fact, he seems kind of nuts.

http://offthebench.nbcsports.com/2010/09/22/in-his-playing-days-former/

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

Good find on that article. He's an absolute maniac.

GMoney said...

Vicodin is fucking gay. It has no effect on me. It is worse than ibuprofen. Brett Favre got hooked on fag drugs.