|Never mess with a guy whose nickname is "Full Throttle"|
When I was in high school, my brother went to Eastern Michigan and walked on to the football team. He never played but made some interesting friends. The most interesting/dangerous/insane human I have ever met happened to play linebacker on EMU's team when Josh Iceman played. His name is Jason Short.
Short didn't drink beer. He didn't like it. Instead Short would show up to parties carrying a 5th of vodka and would usually have it polished off within 2 hours. Short would wrestle women. Like, for real wrestle them when they took it as playful flirting. You could see the smile quickly fade as Short would pull off a prefectly executed figure four or torture rack. Short also loved to headbutt. If he were a Mortal Kombat character, the headbutt would definitely be his finishing move. Short REALLY loved to headbutt when he was drunk...and has the teeth scars on his forehead to prove it.
My lasting memory of Short is twofold. First, he made the Ypsilanti paper 2 times in one day. The front page for making 15 tackles in a big win for Eastern Michigan (ed.--those don't happen)...and the back page for beating the shit out of a guy in a bar fight. The second story is as follows:
One night, drunk at a party with a ton of football players, Short commands the music be shut off. Fearing the flying headbutt attack, the closest person obliges him. Short then pauses for what seems like 10 minutes and says calmly, "We never do anything as a team anymore." Everyone just looks around at each other confused, wondering if Short has finally lost it. Out of nowhere Short screams, "Let's fuckin kill somebody!" From the back room one of the players yells, "Fuck yeah, Short! Let's do it!" Without saying another word, Short leaves the house as everyone cleans the piss out of their pants.
About 20 minutes later, Short comes barging through the door with a human slung over his shoulder (ed. note--I picture it like Cousin Eddie bringing Frank Shirley into the Griswold home). Short throws him on the couch and screams, "Let's fuckin do it! Let's kill this fucker!" The look on this kids face was priceless. You could tell he had never met Short before in his life and literally had no idea if he was still going to be alive in 5 minutes. He was paralyzed with fear. Seconds later, a guy on the team walks in and says, "Short! What the fuck man? You can't kill that guy...he's my cousin!" Short snaps out of his trance instantly and says, "Aww, my bad." He helps the kid up, grabs him a beer and the party continues like nothing ever happened. If I had to wager money, I would say 15 years after that incident Jason Short is most likely dead or in jail.
G$ Follow-up Comment: Wow. You know damn well that he was going to kill that poor bastard.
Iceman Follow-up to the Follow-up: No doubt in my head. This guy once chased a truck down on foot that was speeding down the street of the party he was at, made the driver take him back to the party, then had the guy apologize for driving him back so slow (ed.--that is absolutely hilarious). He was a helluva linebacker but a pretty unstable dude. He really reminded me of Jon Favreau's character on The Replacements.
Sounds more like a "Lattimer from The Program" kind of guy to me. You know, I doubt that I would ever want to watch someone get murdered. I don't know this for sure, but I would bet that I would not like that. But I think it would be enjoyable to watch a half-assed attempted murder. That would be funny to see a guy shit his pants. Either way, Jason Short could have done us all a favor if he had forgone his NFL career with the Eagles and Jags and just killed The Iceman instead.