Thursday, March 24, 2011

Jumped The Shore

And to think, Vinny's shirt may have spent two weeks in the toilet.
I've come to a sad realization over these past few months. Sure, season 3 of Jersey Shore has been entertaining but I can't shake the feeling that we're just seeing the same old shit over and over and over again. That's because we are. They go to the same clubs. They do the same shit. They have the same mind-numbing conversations and arguments. And in that aspect, Jersey Shore is kind of jumping the shark for me. Yes, I will be a faithful viewer always, but I can't be the only one excited that next season (abroad!) is probably going to be the last (at least with this cast). I like to think that The Situation's absolute tank job at the Trump Roast said it may not be entirely over for these people, but it's damn sure close. Let's talk about Season 3 though. Obviously, we were back in Seaside Heights which means our Elite Eight were once again in their comfort zones. How about some winners and losers? Let's do this:

Pauly D - Pauly would have to do something really really bad to ever be considered a loser. He just consistently brings it.
Snooki - I thought that this was a great season for Snooks. She fell in love with Vinny which was a downer, but she also got a public intox arrest along with a bout of alcoholism. She also parlayed her entertainment domination into a feud with Vickie Guerrero and a Wrestlemania match. Good work, Nicole!
Roger - Apparently, everyone in Seaside knows him and he got to Plow the Woww...not bad.
Deena - The "Blast in a Glass" came out very strong in her rookie season but has sort of petered out down the stretch. But she only had to fill Angelina's shoes which she did, oh, about three seconds into the season premiere.  Why yes, I do think that I would hit that.
Sammi Sweetheart - She was a definite loser the first two seasons but in season three, she was smoking hot, a little less bitchy, and punched her fag boyfriend. But she still kind of sucks.  I disagree that she had her tits done though.
Arvin - I would prefer it if "Arvin" was actually Arvid from Head Of The Class but mad props to the meathead who FINALLY broke up Sam and Ron. He did what no one else could.
Vinny's Family - These people need their own reality show. They all appear to be fucking nuts.  Uncle Nino for Heisman.
Domestic Violence - Am I the only one who thought that Ronnie should have been arrested for DV this season? Between the screaming and the chucking the bed out the window, someone should have done something. Bravo to MTV for just ignoring his rage.
Ronnie's Parents - His mom drunk dials the house. His dad is some sort of wise, perfectly mustachioed sage. We need more of the Ortiz-Magras.

The Art of Pranking - As someone who has pulled a quality prank or two, I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the lameness of these people trying to "one-up" each other. The cheese bed was OK. The cab to NYC was clearly staged. Everything else was dumber than shit and showcased how little creativity these people possess. LET'S HANG SNOOK'S STUFFED TURTLE! DERP!
The Situation - Yeah, I'll say it, Sitch sucks. He's a little bitch with his constant gossiping. The man appears to be able to cook a hell of a Sunday dinner, but I will never forgive him for wearing a SportsNation hat all season. Pro-Cowherd?  Gay.  And his haircuts are ridiculous.
Danny the T-Shirt Guy - What a turd. I hate this guy so much. I hope that on tonight's finale, Roger (Dut's dad) pops up out of nowhere and strangles him to death on camera.
Ronnie - Awful. He is such a cunt. If you take every man on the planet and put all of their heartbreaks together, that conglomerate didn't shed as many tears over a woman this year than Ron did. His dad deserves a cooler son.
Danielle The Jew Stalker - Where did this broad come from? For as bad as MTV made her look in season 1, why in the fuck did she show back up this season?
J-Woww - Still hot but you get the vibe from her that she knows she's famous and the Shore is beneath her. And that leads to her keeping herself in check. I really hope that she got a hold of her ex, Tom, and got her hard drive back. Although that thing probably has a shitload of homemade porn on it and I want that to surface on the net.
Jersey Shore Lingo - Enough is enough. Come up with something new. GTL, grenades,'s all played out. Considering how dumb these people are, they probably won't be able to come up with anything new in the "offseason".
Plumbers - Yeah, that toilet that they clogged because some asshole tried to flush a wifebeater, WHILE PEOPLE KEPT SHITTING IN IT, was repulsive. These 8 morons are fucking disgusting. Two weeks worth of Ronnie steroid-shits has to be quite pungent.
Vinny - I thought he was great in Souf Beach but he regressed back in Jersey.  Having Danny pierce his ears was not his finest moment.

Fake Ronnie - It wasn't even close either. Fake Ronnie AKA Dean just dominated the show in the brief time that he was featured. Don't believe me? He was immediately more accepted into the group than real Ronnie was AND Deena TOSSED HIS SALAD after a night at the bar. And yeah, like all gentleman, he made that news public. Fake Ronnie was the best part of Season 3. Hands down.

So now the group waits to head to Italy which I assume will lead to at least one deportation. But this is the only way that it could go. They are too famous for the States and Seaside has been destroyed by their debauchery. Good luck, Europe. As soon as MTV announces the premiere date for the final season (at least with this crew), I will be the first to have it. So check back in periodically for the most comprehensive Jersey Shore coverage and stay for my incredibly clean anus.


Grumpy said...

I couldn't give a fuck. I'm still watching Ace's vid from yesterday.

GMoney said...

Dut wanted me to use the pic of terrelle pryor and sammi floating around for this post. I didn't obviously but it did lead to a few questions. We were led to believe that pryor sold his shit because he was broke yet he found the cash to party with the shore cast in miami. Interesting.

Fake Ronnie would kill TP.

Mr. Ace said...

So Sammi jacks Ron in the face and he should get DV? You're so sexist!

Pauly D always wins.

Grump, you're welcome.

Anonymous said...

I agree about Ronnie's roid rage. I was just waiting for something terrible to happen that would lead to a whole lot of legal trouble. I am suprised nothing did.

The cast is a lot tamer this season. You can tell in the background of certain shots that crowds just gather around and watch them. It will be nice for them to take their act where nobody knows/gives a shit and to see them try to take over the town.

-Lil' Strut

Drew said...

G$ it costs ten bucks to go see these people when they do bar events.

I'm currently in the beginning of a long layover in the ATL blows.

I agree with just about all your points. I think J Woww s problem is she has kind of matured. I love Roger....I find him to be incredibly creepy. I actually think Danny the t shirt guy has been better this year. He's not acting like they are doing a real job anymore. Fake Ronnie is definitely MVP and where has Deena gone?

Italy offers lots of opportunity....with Italian jail at the top of the list.

You should have mentioned the grenade three moment this season.

Off to find beer to kill time.

GMoney said...

I forgot about the siren! That girl who got the siren has to feel really good about herself.

Anonymous said...

G$- I heard that picture was at Tipsy Bar in Columbus. The dude on that blog is a ruhtard.

This season has definitely been a downer. I want a new cast. It should also be a rule that you can't date any of the roommates or you'll get thrown of the show. Who wants to see Ronnie/Sam drama?

The Situation should have quit after the first season. These last 2 have damaged his "celebrity" status.


GMoney said...

I don't know how to feel about Pauly doing commercials for Miracle Whip. Mayo? Really?

Tony B. said...

Doesn't Pauly say he doesn't like Miracle Whip in the commercial promoting Miracle Whip? That actually adds a level of legitimacy to his appearance.

Entire episodes were ruined this year by Ronnie and Sam. The show is much better when they deal with outside drama (grenades at clubs, or Ronnie bashing some dude in the face) rather than inside drama.