Thursday, March 31, 2011

I Am A Real American League, Fight For The Rights of Every Man

After the manager reportedly told him that they were closing, Cabrera "leaned near" the manager's face and told him, "I will kill you."
Hey, today is Opening Day! Yay! Uh, whatever. I don't get worked up about this shit like fans from loser teams do. If you are excited for Opening Day, your team probably sucks and is already mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. But before we get into horrible predictions...a little tangent.
Did any of you listen to Mike and Mike yesterday morning at about 7:30? I like listening to it on the way to work because it helps heighten my road rage and that is a necessity. You know guys, you probably don't HAVE to read every stupid line that Subway writes for you. Anyway, they had Roger Clemens on yesterday and it was a nice reminder to how mind-numbingly retarded he is. I mean, he is extremely stupid. NOTHING that he said made any sense over the radio. They asked him what he was doing at the Shell Houston Open and he "ummmmmed" for 3 minutes and then referenced a wounded warrior that he brought with him. He mentioned that he was excited to "get his day in court", oh, at least about a hundred times. Clemens mentioned that they have a sign in his kitchen that says something like "Family time only interrupted by baseball season" which is stupid and inaccurate. I would hang this in the Clemens kitchen, "Family time also interrupted by blaming your wife for your addiction to steroids". Or something like that. Since Roger had not been heard from much over the past year or so, it was refreshing to hear his lies again. I can't wait for him to get convicted for perjury. It's going to be great. That, and I want Rusty Hardin back in front of the cameras. Don't worry, tomorrow's lead-in will be about the juicy details from the Bonds trial (which has been outstanding). Enough of that, let's dig in to my American League Predictions:

AL East
1. Red Sox - I'll pick them to win the division, but I don't believe that they are going to be this buzzsaw like many expect. They don't have a ML catcher on the roster. Outside of Lester, their rotation is a big question mark (statistically, Buchholz was the luckiest pitcher in the league last year, Beckett has looked awful this Spring, Lackey is repugnant, and Dice is terrible). They'll be able to score runs, but their fans are still homos.  Especially you, Jeff.
2. Yankees* - I kind of like the role of underdog. I'm not too concerned about the perceived crappy rotation either. They'll be fine...unless CC gets hurt. Then they're fucked. Did you know that Eric Chavez made the opening day roster? Terrible. Andruw Jones. Bartolo Colon. Even worse. Derek Jeter is going to get his 3000th hit this season. That should be nice.  And A-Rod is going to put up a MONSTER this year...just watch.
3. Blue Jays - I wish that the Jays would go back to wearing those light blue unis full time. Those things are great.  And that's pretty much all I have to say about Toronto.
4. Orioles - Buck Showalter has me perplexed. I approve of his Theo Epstein bashing but disapprove of his Jeter angst. I think that Buck has gone crazy. The Orioles have a weird team. Vlad? Derrek Lee? Mark Reynolds? That's a whole shitload of K's that they signed this winter.
5. Rays - Count me as one of the few that think that these guys are going to be horrible again. They have one good pitcher and their closer is Kyle Farnsworth. Their closer is Kyle Farnsworth. Say it one more time.  75 wins might be a stretch.

AL Central
1. Twins - Well played, Mauer. I just wanted to write that. Whatever, everyone knows that the Twins are going to win this division and then lose in the first round of the playoffs. They are the most predictable team in the game (except for the Pirates). I see that MLB has instituted a 7 Day DL for concussions. Good idea. Justin Morneau has been on this DL for 9 months. He is a Canadian Cunt. That should be his nickname.
2. White Sox - I really liked the Adam Dunn signing. He's a pretty underrated hitter. Everyone looks at the strikeouts too much but you can pencil him in for 35/100 every year. That's great production. Dunn appears to be the kind of guy that is way too stupid to understand Ozzie Guillen, too. That isn't a bad thing.  Jake Peavy is AJ Pierzynski's vagina.  That makes sense to me.
3. Tigers - Your superstar is a drunk. Your ace is white trash. Your closer works at Taco Bell. Your manager is the Marlboro Man. Dut informs me that Phil Coke is your 4 starter. That's terrible...just like Austin Jackson. I can't wait to win those arguments again!
4. Indians - They won't be as bad as you think...only because the Royals are in the same division. But they are going to blow. Although I love me some Carlos Santana.  Hopefully the Red Sox don't try to intentionally end his career again this season.  Fucking cheats.
5. Royals - I spent the last five minutes trying to think of players on their roster and I ended up with three: Soria, Aviles, and Butler. I don't know anyone else on KC. And I am really good at fantasy baseball. Are they even fielding a team this year?

AL West
1. Athletics - I guess that this would be my shocker pick. A's fans are more than likely Raiders fans so you know that they're cool/dangerous. They have a good, young rotation. DeJesus and Coco is a better than average top of the order. The Andrew Bailey injury hurts, but...you know what, I have nothing else to say about the A's.
2. Angels - During our fantasy draft on Sunday, Ide tried to draft Nick Adenhart. I damn near shit my pants. I wasn't expecting that.  It was a pleasant surprise.  Hopefully, Kendrys Morales can hit home runs this year without breaking his leg.
3. Rangers - No team that has knocked the Yankees out of the playoffs has made the postseason the following season...FACT. Actually, this is probably not a fact. Texas concerns me though. They snuck up on everybody last year but that won't happen this season. They lost their only good pitcher. They are pissing off the longest tenured stud and still solid Michael Young. They gave way too much money to Adrian Beltre. Their manager is a coke fiend. I don't see it happening this year. I see a regression for the Rangers.
4. Mariners - Welcome back to the bigs, Eric Wedge! And you too, Eric Wedge's mustache! That flavor saver is bigger and better now than it ever was in Cleveland. Seattle is going to be rotten.

AL MVP - A-Rod
AL Cy Young - Jon "Wicked" Lester (the original band name of KISS...you just learned something)
AL Manager - Whoever is the manager in Oakland
AL Rookie - Uhhhh, Michael Pineda?

Playoffs - Red Sox over A's, Yankees sweep Twins like usual, and Yankees over Red Sox of course!

I don't even know why I write this post. You know that I'm going to pick the Yankees. Even if deep down I know that they don't have it, I can't bring myself to pick anyone else. I'm just excited to finally tell my side of the story and have my day in court.  National League tomorrow...I bet you can't wait for that.

25 comments:

Drew said...

A-Rod's dishes are done....you so dumb.

The Twins are going to finish in THIRD place this year.

AL EAST -- Red Sox
AL CENTRAL -- White Sox
AL WEST -- Angels
WILD CARD -- Tigers

AL MVP -- Adrian Gonzalez
AL CY YOUNG -- Justin Verlander (0.96 spring ERA) gonna be bananas this year
AL ROY -- Somebody on the Royals

Tigers will win the Yankees series this weekend.

GMoney said...

Dishes are done? What does that even mean? He's still getting hand-fed by a-listers which is conserving his strempfth! You betta recanize.

Better win today then, white trash, as the forecast isn't good for the weekend.

Ernie Harwell is getting buttfucked by Hitler right now.

Jeff said...

I know damman has a lot of faith in the red sox rotation considering he took, buchholtz, Beckett, and lackey in our draft. Red sox hitters will bring you a fantasy championship not pitchers. I can't help but notice a guido bright pink hat wearing yankees fan in the stands everytime they're on tv. Fuckin faggots I tells ya.

Justin Morneau said...

Hey...do you guys know where I put my car keys? I need to get to the park for opening day but for some reason I can't remember......*pukes*

Anonymous said...

Vlad only struck out 60 times in 593 at bats last year. Sleeper pick if things go their way = Brewers.

Drew said...

Dishes being done means that he's fucking done...just like your Redskins are when they line up against the Lions.


Bob Sheppard is getting fisted by Ty Cobb right now.

GMoney said...

The Lions have never won in DC. Ever. But who needs facts?

Leave you Bernie Brewer thoughts tomorrow, dickhead.

Welcome to the site, Justin! I hope the lights aren't too bright.

Dut owns a Zumaya jersey...so sad. They must have been out of Fu Te-Ni jerseys.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Drew.. A-rod is done. He will continue his steady decline and will soon be in the same conversation as Travis Hafner.

Tigers will take the Central. No, that's not a homer pick.

Miggy takes the MVP that should have been given to him last year (again, I'm not a homer).

Anyone watch the HBO special last night? How can that player throw OSU under the bus for him getting laid at an OSU party? Also, contrary to all the news articles, he didn't mention receiving money from OSU. Auburn, Alabama, and LSU all looked like shit though!

Also, they tried to make people feel bad that players don get a degree and then don't make it in the NFL. That part made me want to puke. Can anyone be accountable for themselves!? Maybe you shouldn't put all your eggs in 1 basket and bank on the NFL?

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Dut, you're a fuck.

GMoney said...

A-Rod has had a great spring and is apparently in great shape so I'm thinking a 40/120 season. And I'm not kidding.

I want to point out that Hoffman absolutely obliterated Ace's fag ass in the comments of yesterdays shitpost. Go check it out. It is glorious.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait for your NL Preview G$, where for about the 5th straight year you will pick Chad Billingsley to be the NL Cy Young winner.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Ace- would you like to comment on getting your ass handed to you by Hoffman?

Dut

The Iceman said...

$20 says Cabrerra's blood alcohol level is over the legal limit for his first at bat this season.

Drew said...

G$...Who gives a shit that A-Rod is in good shape? His body is still going to break down throughout the year just like it did last year due to his years or roid use. Deal with it.

So, I take it Hoffman is a farmer? Good to see him serve Ace.

Mr. Ace said...

I was actually anticipating Hoffman's comments...my family farms too. This was a generalized post about the industry, not an indictment of every farmer. It is total BS that genetically manipulated crops decrease world hunger. It's the opposite effect.


Mexico could by US seed for about 80% of what it costs for them to use their own seed. But the majority of them use their own seed because of the potential effects of GM corn.


Europe, and most other industrialized countries, actually label food that contains GM produce. Why would that be?



Again, not an attack on farmers. But the way that just a few corporations dominate the industry by cooperation with shady government ethics is what my comments were aimed toward.

Tony B. said...

Jon Niese may be runner up in G$'s Cy Young prediction.

I think A-Rod will be good this year. 40/120 is probably a stretch, but he'll be really good.

I like the A's pick. Great young pitching and every hitter they picked up (Willingham, DeJesus, and Godzilla) is better than anyone who was on their team last year. They should be better while the other teams didn't do much to improve - and Texas got worse.

Michael Scott said...

Nobody likes beets, Ace. You should grow somthing everyone likes. You should grow candy.

Anonymous said...

The AL is for pussies.... bring on the real division post tomorrow. Votto for MVP!!!!

Tigers blood shed for thee Dut.

Lil Strut - If OSU had Psycho T they would have won the ship. Now he's leading the Pacers to the playoffs!!!

Lange

GMoney said...

Austin Jackson is on pace to strike out 700 times this year.

GMoney said...

Ajax is on pace for 700 strikeouts and no balls in play this year.

Mr ace is boring me to death.

Michael Scott is a fag on tv and here.

That about sums it up.

Tony B. said...

Let's see how much of a hole Edison Volquez gets my fantasy team in? 2 batters, 2 HR given up. What a douche.

Mr. Ace said...

Can we talk rap again?

GMoney said...

Sure! Justin Verlander listens to Bubba Sparxx!

GMoney said...

Get your fucking brooms out, Kid Rock fans. Samson said it best, "Grandy makes ah-you dandy".

The Iceman said...

I'm already fucking sick of baseball.