|After the manager reportedly told him that they were closing, Cabrera "leaned near" the manager's face and told him, "I will kill you."|
Did any of you listen to Mike and Mike yesterday morning at about 7:30? I like listening to it on the way to work because it helps heighten my road rage and that is a necessity. You know guys, you probably don't HAVE to read every stupid line that Subway writes for you. Anyway, they had Roger Clemens on yesterday and it was a nice reminder to how mind-numbingly retarded he is. I mean, he is extremely stupid. NOTHING that he said made any sense over the radio. They asked him what he was doing at the Shell Houston Open and he "ummmmmed" for 3 minutes and then referenced a wounded warrior that he brought with him. He mentioned that he was excited to "get his day in court", oh, at least about a hundred times. Clemens mentioned that they have a sign in his kitchen that says something like "Family time only interrupted by baseball season" which is stupid and inaccurate. I would hang this in the Clemens kitchen, "Family time also interrupted by blaming your wife for your addiction to steroids". Or something like that. Since Roger had not been heard from much over the past year or so, it was refreshing to hear his lies again. I can't wait for him to get convicted for perjury. It's going to be great. That, and I want Rusty Hardin back in front of the cameras. Don't worry, tomorrow's lead-in will be about the juicy details from the Bonds trial (which has been outstanding). Enough of that, let's dig in to my American League Predictions:
1. Red Sox - I'll pick them to win the division, but I don't believe that they are going to be this buzzsaw like many expect. They don't have a ML catcher on the roster. Outside of Lester, their rotation is a big question mark (statistically, Buchholz was the luckiest pitcher in the league last year, Beckett has looked awful this Spring, Lackey is repugnant, and Dice is terrible). They'll be able to score runs, but their fans are still homos. Especially you, Jeff.
2. Yankees* - I kind of like the role of underdog. I'm not too concerned about the perceived crappy rotation either. They'll be fine...unless CC gets hurt. Then they're fucked. Did you know that Eric Chavez made the opening day roster? Terrible. Andruw Jones. Bartolo Colon. Even worse. Derek Jeter is going to get his 3000th hit this season. That should be nice. And A-Rod is going to put up a MONSTER this year...just watch.
3. Blue Jays - I wish that the Jays would go back to wearing those light blue unis full time. Those things are great. And that's pretty much all I have to say about Toronto.
4. Orioles - Buck Showalter has me perplexed. I approve of his Theo Epstein bashing but disapprove of his Jeter angst. I think that Buck has gone crazy. The Orioles have a weird team. Vlad? Derrek Lee? Mark Reynolds? That's a whole shitload of K's that they signed this winter.
5. Rays - Count me as one of the few that think that these guys are going to be horrible again. They have one good pitcher and their closer is Kyle Farnsworth. Their closer is Kyle Farnsworth. Say it one more time. 75 wins might be a stretch.
1. Twins - Well played, Mauer. I just wanted to write that. Whatever, everyone knows that the Twins are going to win this division and then lose in the first round of the playoffs. They are the most predictable team in the game (except for the Pirates). I see that MLB has instituted a 7 Day DL for concussions. Good idea. Justin Morneau has been on this DL for 9 months. He is a Canadian Cunt. That should be his nickname.
2. White Sox - I really liked the Adam Dunn signing. He's a pretty underrated hitter. Everyone looks at the strikeouts too much but you can pencil him in for 35/100 every year. That's great production. Dunn appears to be the kind of guy that is way too stupid to understand Ozzie Guillen, too. That isn't a bad thing. Jake Peavy is AJ Pierzynski's vagina. That makes sense to me.
3. Tigers - Your superstar is a drunk. Your ace is white trash. Your closer works at Taco Bell. Your manager is the Marlboro Man. Dut informs me that Phil Coke is your 4 starter. That's terrible...just like Austin Jackson. I can't wait to win those arguments again!
4. Indians - They won't be as bad as you think...only because the Royals are in the same division. But they are going to blow. Although I love me some Carlos Santana. Hopefully the Red Sox don't try to intentionally end his career again this season. Fucking cheats.
5. Royals - I spent the last five minutes trying to think of players on their roster and I ended up with three: Soria, Aviles, and Butler. I don't know anyone else on KC. And I am really good at fantasy baseball. Are they even fielding a team this year?
1. Athletics - I guess that this would be my shocker pick. A's fans are more than likely Raiders fans so you know that they're cool/dangerous. They have a good, young rotation. DeJesus and Coco is a better than average top of the order. The Andrew Bailey injury hurts, but...you know what, I have nothing else to say about the A's.
2. Angels - During our fantasy draft on Sunday, Ide tried to draft Nick Adenhart. I damn near shit my pants. I wasn't expecting that. It was a pleasant surprise. Hopefully, Kendrys Morales can hit home runs this year without breaking his leg.
3. Rangers - No team that has knocked the Yankees out of the playoffs has made the postseason the following season...FACT. Actually, this is probably not a fact. Texas concerns me though. They snuck up on everybody last year but that won't happen this season. They lost their only good pitcher. They are pissing off the longest tenured stud and still solid Michael Young. They gave way too much money to Adrian Beltre. Their manager is a coke fiend. I don't see it happening this year. I see a regression for the Rangers.
4. Mariners - Welcome back to the bigs, Eric Wedge! And you too, Eric Wedge's mustache! That flavor saver is bigger and better now than it ever was in Cleveland. Seattle is going to be rotten.
AL MVP - A-Rod
AL Cy Young - Jon "Wicked" Lester (the original band name of KISS...you just learned something)
AL Manager - Whoever is the manager in Oakland
AL Rookie - Uhhhh, Michael Pineda?
Playoffs - Red Sox over A's, Yankees sweep Twins like usual, and Yankees over Red Sox of course!
I don't even know why I write this post. You know that I'm going to pick the Yankees. Even if deep down I know that they don't have it, I can't bring myself to pick anyone else. I'm just excited to finally tell my side of the story and have my day in court. National League tomorrow...I bet you can't wait for that.