Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Hump Day Dump: Who Ya Got?

(This is Hilarious)

Douche Lord of the Week: Seal's Kentucky Wildcats took out the Fuckeyes and forced all of Fuckeye Nation to put their entire focus on their slimy, sleazy, and shady football program. We thank him for that. So we pay homage to him Mortal Kombat style.

Who Ya Got? The Final Four is settled and on Monday night we will have a champion. But that's not what I want to talk about. Over the last several days there has been the usual media blitz that has the coaches and several players doing interviews. I caught Gay Crawford interviewing Shaka Smart on Cold Pizza, or whatever the hell it's called, and he struck me as a guy I would love to play for, have a beer with, listen to Nas with, or rip on ESPN with. That got me thinking, how does he stack up against the other coaches in the Final Four. That is, if I'm an 18 year old baller with mad handles--and not a 25 year old fat guy with a silky smooth jumper like myself-- what coach do I want to play for?

The tale of the tape:
Shaka Smart, VCU. As I said, I would love to play for this guy. He went on ESPN and ripped Jay Bilas and Joe Lunardi and even had to ask his player, Ed Nixon, to not let him blow up. He's like the Ozzie Guillen of college basketball but without the sexy Venezuelan accent. He will use anything and everything get his kids to play with a chip on their shoulder, even if it's just meaningless drivel from some hack like Skip Bayless. VCU has won five games in the NCAA tournament, but Shaka is still demanding Joe Lunardi apologize to his team via rim job. And if I told him that Ready to Die was the greatest rap album ever he would know exactly what I'm talking about, not something that can be said about most college coaches.

However, with a name like Shaka it's pretty much guaranteed he doesn't touch the swine. And after missing out on the Montgomery Inn Groupon--HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU PUT A LIMIT ON THAT DEAL!-- I don't even want to discuss how much a despise people who don't eat pork...sweet, smoky, juicy pork.

Brad Stevens, Butler. G Money calls him the best coach in college basketball hands down. I call him a guy who looks like he's 12 and never seen a vagina. His story is pretty awesome though. He left his well paying big boy job to become an assistant...a volunteer assistant. You know he's passionate about the game if he was willing to allow his wife to be the breadwinner while didn't bring in an income. Can you imagine that? Mrs. Ace already can't stand me. If I were to quit my job and become a volunteer porn director she would definitely have my sack. Brad Stevens is a hero.

But there's a real chance that when this guy calls it quits he'll be the winningest coach in college basketball history. Yeah.

John Calipari, Kentucky. Do you want to go to the NBA but still have to get past the obligatory one year after high school? John Calipari is your man. You will get paid handsomely. You won't have to take your own tests. And you won't have to learn how to shoot free throws. How could you now play for John Calipari?

Oh yeah, he's a sleazeball and after he leaves the school your college career will no longer exist. But no tests, dude.

Jim Calhoun, UConn. He's just always seemed like an ass hole, so I can't even imagine how insufferable he will be now that he got suspended for recruiting violations. But hell, if he can bring in $12 million per year for the state of Connecticut imagine what he can do for you. Yeah, he's just an old ass hole.

That's a tough choice to make. I'm torn between Shaka and Cal...but then I remembered Cal has his own liquor. Nothing says class and integrity like Maker's Mark.

The Future of Food. I have always said that I didn't care how roided up my chicken was or genetically enhanced my corn was; it's all the same. But then I watched this documentary, The Future of Food. It's scary how the process of genetically engineering food happens. It's scary that just a few corporations run the farming industry by donating millions to campaigns. It's scary how these corporate big wigs are jumping back and forth between EPA jobs and board member positions at these giant corporations. It's scary that it costs $3.20 to produce a bushel of corn, but a farmer only gets $2.20 per bushel in return, with the difference being made up by government subsidies...your tax dollars. So we are losing money by making inferior produce. Going organic has never made so much sense.

Stan, I'm your biggest fan. I don't have HBO but somehow I need to watch this. HBO's Real Sports to focus on "the money handshake", the illicit payoffs talented players received to attend and stay at college sports factories. Stanley McClover, a former Auburn defensive end, talks about how he received not just cash but sexual services during a recruiting visit to Ohio State. Only one thing can be determined from this; anOSU girls give toothy blowjobs. I knew I should have went to Auburn.

27 comments:

Grumpy said...

It figures that someone who took 7 years to get through Toledo would pick Coach Cal and no tests.

GMoney said...

Everybody knows that I Got That Work is the best rap album ever.

How 'bout them fucking Cavs! What an insanely satisfying victory that was. It also led to one of my favorite Austin Carr lines ever. When the Cavs went up by 23 and you knew they would blow it which they did, he said, "they need to push this lead to 50!". Made me laugh and gave me wood. I love AC.

MuDawgfan said...

"Gettin' It" is the best rap album of all time. I'm from Atlanta and there are tons of blacks down there so I feel qualified to give an opinion.

I promise you Brad Stevens has gotten more gaisch than anyone else on this list. Also I feel confident in saying that Coach Calhoun has had to pay for sex for the last 20 years.

Mr. Ace said...

As much as I love the Big Tymers and Too Short, they've got nothing on Biggie. And Mudawg, I'm not sure why the south would pick Gettin It as the best album when Too Short is straight outta Oakland. Seems fishy to me.

Grump, no tests and free booze. Case closed.

Mr. Ace said...

Where are the fuckeyes so vouch for the head game of anOSU coeds?

MuDawgfan said...

And Mudawg, I'm not sure why the south would pick Gettin It as the best album when Too Short is straight outta Oakland. Seems fishy to me.

Game respect game, white boy -what's fishy about that?

GMoney said...

Pac was way better than Biggie. Deal with it!

Anonymous said...

When you say you'd play for coach Cal.. Is that Calipari or Calhoun? When you name 5 coaches and two of them start with "Cal," you can't say you'll play for coach Cal! Stop embarrassing your alma mater.

The B1G beat the SEC in track earlier this week. Where's all that speeeeedddd!?

Tonights HBO show will be interesting.

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Dut, quit being a fuck or you're gonna get deaded. Only a fuckboy like yourself would be confused.

Tupac was not a better rapper than Biggie. Probably a better entertainer. Don't make me do an entire post about rap. You'll be very disappointed when Manny Fresh is left out.

Mudawg...respect. I'm down with your southernplayalisticadillacmuzik.

Anonymous said...

Ace- I was more confused after reading this than when I pulled your mom's pants down and she had a penis! BAM!

Dut

Drew said...

Ace....please do a whole post on rap as that's pretty much all I listen to. I'm with you on Biggie>TuPac too. I think that would be a very fun topic for a Wednesday.

G$...Austin Carr was on fire last night. Fat Baron threw a pass at one point and he yelled out, "I knew who was gonna go there, because I know his game now!".

VCU is gonna beat Butler. UConn is gonna beat UK. UConn will be national champs.

GMoney said...

VCU has no answer for Matt Howard's ugliness.

2pac fucked Biggie's bitch...dominance!

Mr. Ace said...

Be prepared to enter the Wu next Wednesday.

Not In Our Garage!!!

Tony B. said...

I enjoy Tupac over Biggie- WEST SIDE!

Grumpy said...

Nothing funnier than a bunch of white sissy boys debating rap.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, if you're feelin froggy then jump.

Tony B. said...

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Anonymous said...

JT new conference at 1 today. Retarded rumor mill says he's going to resign and hand the job to Urban! If you believe that you're as smart as Iceman..

Dut

Anonymous said...

OSU just announced Luke Fickell will be the interim head coach for the first 5 games of the season. So obviously Tressel is not resigning.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

...yet

Anonymous said...

I found that news conference to be just fantastic. The major sports networks sent their national reporters and the place was completely filled.. Only to hear JT talk for 40 minutes about spring ball and position battles. Thanks for the free publicity! Now put your boners away.

Dut

GMoney said...

Ohio State was lacking publicity? Just change your last name to Iceman already and get it over with.

Bow down before I come to yo town.

Kentucky Wildcats Tickets said...

win or lose it will be this Saturday when i get to watch them play in Houston -- already got my tickets from Ticketsinventory.com . Good Lord willin and the creek don't rise! Well , no law against dreaming is there. Go Cats Goooooooooooo!!!!

Tony B. said...

Yesterday I called NCAA scandals lame. Today, they respond with MUCH better documented antics:

http://chip-patterson.blogs.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/24156338/28142828

$500 handshakes, sexual services, and bookbags full of money? Regulators! Mount up!

GMoney said...

Thanks for the ticket advice, chach.

Anonymous said...

Stick to very bad sports commentary and leave politics and our food supply out of it.

As someone who gets one of those subsidy checks. They are about 4% (give or take a % point) not the 85% that you quoted.

Never believe all of the "facts" that you are given in one of these documentaries such as the one you quoted or Food Inc. They are filled with gross exaggerations and generalizations.

If you want to go organic go for it. But, expect to pay 2 to 3 times as much for everything. Also, if you want it to become a movement then expect starvation to be not only a third world problem but also a US problem.

The US produces the cheapest and safest food supply and the world. If you want to keep it that way I suggest you thank a Farmer rather than tell him how to do his job.

Sorry to get so worked up and preachy I just suggest Mr. Ace write about things he knows something about (very little except porn) than talk about food production (yes eggs come from chickens and not Wal Mart).

Hoffman

GMoney said...

BOOM!!! Ace just got his ass owned!!!