Douche Lord of the Week: Seal's Kentucky Wildcats took out the Fuckeyes and forced all of Fuckeye Nation to put their entire focus on their slimy, sleazy, and shady football program. We thank him for that. So we pay homage to him Mortal Kombat style.
Who Ya Got? The Final Four is settled and on Monday night we will have a champion. But that's not what I want to talk about. Over the last several days there has been the usual media blitz that has the coaches and several players doing interviews. I caught Gay Crawford interviewing Shaka Smart on Cold Pizza, or whatever the hell it's called, and he struck me as a guy I would love to play for, have a beer with, listen to Nas with, or rip on ESPN with. That got me thinking, how does he stack up against the other coaches in the Final Four. That is, if I'm an 18 year old baller with mad handles--and not a 25 year old fat guy with a silky smooth jumper like myself-- what coach do I want to play for?
The tale of the tape:
Shaka Smart, VCU. As I said, I would love to play for this guy. He went on ESPN and ripped Jay Bilas and Joe Lunardi and even had to ask his player, Ed Nixon, to not let him blow up. He's like the Ozzie Guillen of college basketball but without the sexy Venezuelan accent. He will use anything and everything get his kids to play with a chip on their shoulder, even if it's just meaningless drivel from some hack like Skip Bayless. VCU has won five games in the NCAA tournament, but Shaka is still demanding Joe Lunardi apologize to his team via rim job. And if I told him that Ready to Die was the greatest rap album ever he would know exactly what I'm talking about, not something that can be said about most college coaches.
However, with a name like Shaka it's pretty much guaranteed he doesn't touch the swine. And after missing out on the Montgomery Inn Groupon--HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU PUT A LIMIT ON THAT DEAL!-- I don't even want to discuss how much a despise people who don't eat pork...sweet, smoky, juicy pork.
Brad Stevens, Butler. G Money calls him the best coach in college basketball hands down. I call him a guy who looks like he's 12 and never seen a vagina. His story is pretty awesome though. He left his well paying big boy job to become an assistant...a volunteer assistant. You know he's passionate about the game if he was willing to allow his wife to be the breadwinner while didn't bring in an income. Can you imagine that? Mrs. Ace already can't stand me. If I were to quit my job and become a volunteer porn director she would definitely have my sack. Brad Stevens is a hero.
But there's a real chance that when this guy calls it quits he'll be the winningest coach in college basketball history. Yeah.
John Calipari, Kentucky. Do you want to go to the NBA but still have to get past the obligatory one year after high school? John Calipari is your man. You will get paid handsomely. You won't have to take your own tests. And you won't have to learn how to shoot free throws. How could you now play for John Calipari?
Oh yeah, he's a sleazeball and after he leaves the school your college career will no longer exist. But no tests, dude.
Jim Calhoun, UConn. He's just always seemed like an ass hole, so I can't even imagine how insufferable he will be now that he got suspended for recruiting violations. But hell, if he can bring in $12 million per year for the state of Connecticut imagine what he can do for you. Yeah, he's just an old ass hole.
That's a tough choice to make. I'm torn between Shaka and Cal...but then I remembered Cal has his own liquor. Nothing says class and integrity like Maker's Mark.
The Future of Food. I have always said that I didn't care how roided up my chicken was or genetically enhanced my corn was; it's all the same. But then I watched this documentary, The Future of Food. It's scary how the process of genetically engineering food happens. It's scary that just a few corporations run the farming industry by donating millions to campaigns. It's scary how these corporate big wigs are jumping back and forth between EPA jobs and board member positions at these giant corporations. It's scary that it costs $3.20 to produce a bushel of corn, but a farmer only gets $2.20 per bushel in return, with the difference being made up by government subsidies...your tax dollars. So we are losing money by making inferior produce. Going organic has never made so much sense.
Stan, I'm your biggest fan. I don't have HBO but somehow I need to watch this. HBO's Real Sports to focus on "the money handshake", the illicit payoffs talented players received to attend and stay at college sports factories. Stanley McClover, a former Auburn defensive end, talks about how he received not just cash but sexual services during a recruiting visit to Ohio State. Only one thing can be determined from this; anOSU girls give toothy blowjobs. I knew I should have went to Auburn.