Tuesday, March 08, 2011

From The Desk of...Drew

In Phase 5, you ONLY eat cocktail...FRUIT!
***SITE NEWS!!!  I was crazy busy last night between having an umpire's meeting and then preparing to ship the patio table back to Dallas (don't ask).  It's not like I had anything to write about anyway.  So I decided to unleash the first saga of Crazy Story Week (coming soon).  I am still accepting submissions by the way.  The floor is yours, Drew***

This is a fucked up story that happened to me only two years ago...so, I was 27 fucking years old. A few of us went up to Detroit for the weekend to see the Red Wings play the Jackets and party with my buddies that live in Royal Oak, MI all weekend long. So, we go to the game and the Jackets push the Red Wings shit in...I don't even remember what the score was ...9-3 or something like that. Definitely the worst beating the Red Wings have ever had at the hands of the Jackets. But, after the game we went to this strip club in Detroit named The Toy Chest. This strip club is awesome, but that's irrelevant to the story.

By this time, the majority of us had been drinking since the early afternoon and through the game and were just shit-faced. So, one of my buddies that came up from Ohio is sitting at the stage with this black guy just tossing ones at the girls. I sit down and my buddy introduces me to this black guy named Alvin. We spend the next 45 minutes throwing money at tits with Alvin and then our group wants to go to my friend's house in Royal Oak. Well, we tell them go ahead because we're gonna stay with Alvin. They looked at us like we were the biggest retards they had ever seen.  We basically told them to go home as we were going to stay in downtown Detroit with this black guy we just met (flawless logic!).

So, another 30 minutes goes by and somehow we end up in Alvin's car with him. Alvin drives an old ass white minivan. Next thing I know we are flying around Detroit highways bumping rap as loud as it can go with Alvin driving us around in his van. On a scale of 1-10 in just drunken what-the-fuck-is-going-on fun it was close to a 10. Somehow, we ended up at my buddy's hosue in Royal Oak. They were shocked when we showed up.  They were even more shocked when we brought Alvin into the house. Now this is a real nice house that my buddy owns and it was incredibly retarded to bring Alvin there, but we weren't thinking straight and were more thinking about how good of a story Alvin was turning into.

Well, Alvin comes in and we keep drinking.  A couple of the guys start smoking some weed with Alvin. I will say Alvin seemed like a straight up good dude..wasn't very ghetto and I never really feared him. Well, I finally crashed on the couch while a couple guys were playing Wii Bowling with Alvin (were you sleeping with Alvin or was Alvin playing Wii...or both?).

Here's where shit gets weird...I woke up the next morning on the couch with just my boxers on. I looked up and saw one of my friends and I asked him why I was just in my boxers and he smiles and said, "Alvin". I was like...what the fuck are you talking about. They tell me that after I passed out Alvin said something like, "Your boy is passed out while people are still up, that means we need to fuck with him." I guess he took my shirt off and socks off and they were like "Alright Alvin, you got him good...now you're done". Well, one of them went to the bathroom, came out, and saw Alvin took my pants off too and they were like "Alvin, that's fucked up now. No more." Alvin's response was, "But, that's only Phase 3". They asked him how many phases there were and he said, "Five". They never let him go beyond phase three and I'm thankful for that. Alvin ended up crashing on the couch in the basement and we made up an excuse first thing in the morning to get him out of there.  He didn't steal anything and was never to be heard of again either. But, Alvin made for one really wild night and his phases are still joked about.

Editor's closing remark...Fun fact is that "Alvin" was actually former Cowboys receiver, Alvin Harper!

38 comments:

GMoney said...

Damn. I went with this post instead of jim tressel being a scumbag and having no moral code. Just give that program the death penalty since its clear that they believe that the rules don't apply to them.

Drew said...

Let that be a lesson to you all on why you shouldn't befriend black men at the strip club.

G$....I have an anonymous source that said you gave Mr. Ace a rim job last night. That's gross.

Grumpy said...

WTF? I'd rather do strip clubs than gay Trivia Night.

GMoney said...

I highly doubt that dan wetzel would be reporting this if it was made up. You got raped by a black dude while your buddies watched.

Anonymous said...

Regardless of whether it is made up or not, it still must be proven for anything to come of this. Sure, it makes for good articles that get all of us talking, but in the end when it is one man's word against another, with no other proof of the conversation, that will not hold up.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

It's different because it's Tressel, G$. Tressel helps the elderly with their groceries and feeds pigeons at the park with his wife and helps out with food drives for the homeless...then when you aren't looking he analy violates the elderly with a pringles can, bites the heads off of the pigeons like Ozzie Osborne and jerks off in the food so some unsuspecting hand collides with Tres sperm stuck to the Spaghettios.

Anonymous said...

Iceman,

Have you been masquerading as an elderly person lately?

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

Tressel knew what was going on with his football program? COULDN'T BE! The Fuckeyes don't run a clean program, that's pretty obvious. This shouldn't be a shock to anybody.

Detroit WHAT!

The Iceman said...

This is how I envision OSU fans reacting to all the Tressel bashing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

HE'S A HUMAN!!!!!! LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!

Drew said...

G$...Why would Wetzel not cite anything then? Their initial USC article was full of documentation/quotes from people with you know....actual names.

Also, if I cared about "moral code" then I'd be a BYU fan...we covered this yesterday.

Ace....I'm gonna find Alvin someday...get him to Columbus...drug you....and we're all going to find out what Phase 5 is.

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, I have gotten myself to what I believe is Phase 4 in Detroit without the help of a black man molesting me. Luckily, the cops decided not to take me to jail so I didn't get to see Phase 5.

Anonymous said...

I tried to read this in a meeting but couldn't get past the 2nd paragraph while keeping a straight face!

Ace- I think you made it to level 5. You had cigarettes jammed in your ass for christ sake! I guarantee Alvin was involved.

If the Yahoo story is true, OSU should definitely have serious consequences (even though I disagree with the rule of selling their own property.. Its the the rule). However, this article seems extremely sketchy. This doesn't fit JT's character, so ill be interested to see his reaction (if he thinks this article is even worthy of a response). I believe the NCAA already did an investigation.

Dut

Drew said...

How did Ace get cigarettes shoved up his ass? Whole pack? Cigars? I don't think Alvin would stoop to those levels, but thankfully I didn't find out.

GMoney said...

Doesn't fit his character? So you're just going to ignore his past at YSU?

Yahoo took down USC and now they have their sights set on Columbus. I can't wait for the bloodbath. Keep living in denial, assholes, for your day of reckoning is coming!!!

I imdb'ed nasty nate and he hasn't worked much since Half Baked. That's the biggest crime of all.

Drew said...

G$....If Yahoo can spend almost three months investigating this in Columbus and the best they can come up with for their break out article is one anonymous source saying that Tressel knew about players selling personal items that were given to them and getting free tattoos months ago....then I'm pretty cool with that.

Tony B. said...

Drew, your friends were like Squirrel Master and Fuzzy Nuts protecting your butthole like that.

Drew said...

Yes Tony....you don't know true friends until you have had your butt-hole protected from the reach of a black man.

The Iceman said...

Buckeye denial is a powerful thing.

Drew said...

Iceman.....so are the words that come out of Terrelle Pryor's mouth.

The Iceman said...

Like we should believe anything that piece of shit Pryor has to say.

Anonymous said...

Gee, Smith, & Tressel to meet with media @ 7 p.m. tonight.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

G$- what did JT do wrong at YSU that you're referring to?

Dut

GMoney said...

The local media types think that bad news is coming tonight eluding to a resignation. OUTSTANDING!

For the idiots out there, if this true report proves to be as true as it is then Ohio State knowingly played ineligible players for all of 2010. HELLLLLOOOOOO 0-14 season!!! RichRod may get a win over the Buckeyes after all!!!

Drew said...

He's not resigning you retard.

Also, unfortunately for Rich Rod he wouldn't get a win....it's "vacating wins"...which means we don't get one either, but he's still got an L.

GMoney said...

Co-writer of the story from Yahoo. Charles Robinson, just notified The Fan that their report is ROCK SOLID.

This program is going down like Drew on Alvin.

Anonymous said...

I'll bet this is how it plays out:

Tressel admits he had heard about this, but that he did some initial investigations and it did not turn up anything big so he let it go, not knowing that he should have reported it to the compliance office anyway. Gordon Gee and Gene Smith are there to say they are standing behind Tressel, etc. But if Tressel does resign (hightly unlikely from what I am reading), enter Urban Meyer!

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Terrelle Pryor can play the stupid card. Jim Tressel can not.

Anonymous said...

The rumor is that he could face a Bruce Pearl type suspension.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

The NCAA isn't going to let him get off with 2 games against Akron and Toledo. He should sit for more than the kids got.

Drew said...

Wanna bet? They've been working on it with the NCAA moron.

GMoney said...

If that's the extent of the punishment then that is a joke. Ridiculous. Tressel should be killed.

Drew said...

Obviously, he's rocking a bullet proof jacket so you better get a bomb or something....and take yourself out with it.

GMoney said...

You know what, it's not over at all. He dodged Gene Smith's black ass but the NCAA will make it hurt. Fuck this guy Phase TEN. He is a scumbag.

Drew said...

haha...you so mad...cuz' you so wrong. I'll coach us against Akron and Toledo!

GMoney said...

Yeah, you should be proud to be a Buckeye today. Congratulations, you are the new USC.

Drew said...

You make no sense and get dumber by every butt hurt post. Sorry that this isn't even 5% of what you were expecting...that would really suck to expect 95% more.

I'm glad our coach didn't sell out our players who were irrelevant parts in an ongoing federal drug investigation. I'm also glad that we essentially scooped Yahoo! as they obviously had no clue that we had already even been working on the matter with the NCAA for over a month.

You lose. We keep......winning!

GMoney said...

I have learned not to believe anything that comes from your athletic department. I'll wait until the NCAA gets done. I'm sure it was the economy's fault.

Drew said...

"I'll wait til the NCAA gets done".

Let's see...Gene Smith is rumored to be the next Prez of the NCAA....he runs the NCAA Tourney Committee....the NCAA has been talking about this with him for the last month. Yeah, he was given no guidelines as to what they felt was the appropriate punishment. They are done....MAYBE they will take a stand and add a game. Who fucking cares. You lose.....nowhere near the fallout you hoped for......Winning!