Thursday, March 10, 2011

Bow Down To Black Jesus

He likes his dick sucked fast...
Shit.  I had this post planned and I was getting ready to start it when I found out that my parents' 10 year old golden retriever passed away yesterday afternoon.  That sucks.  I loved that dog. RIP Jete, you will be missed.  No one will ever stand in the driveway and watch me drive away before heading back inside better than you did.
Yesterday was Ash Wednesday (and not just Tressel fallout day) which means that the season of Lent is upon us.  That means that it is time to sacrifice something over the course of the next 40 days for the messiah of this website...Black Jesus or as he is commonly known, The #1 Stunna.  Since most of you heathens probably don't sacrifice anything, I'm going to help you with this today (while revealing my give-up at the end).  It's time to make a penance for all of your fucktardery.

J and Beanie - Daily Mike Holmgren massages.  His back seems like a two man job.  You can flip a coin for the Happy Ending.
Iceman - No more outlandish swear word concoctions.  They are confusing.  "Peckerhead" has the same connotation as "Blood-chugging tampon injection" or something similar that you are wont to use.
Seal - The Decision.  You've got less than 40 days now.  You can either be a Kentucky or an Ohio State fan but you can't be both.  I expect you to take your talents to Lexington on Easter Sunday.
Lange - Observe the restraining order.  I would guess that Tyler MANsbrough would appreciate being able to leave his house for the next 6 weeks.
Hoffman - Chapmania.  You get one at bat off of Aroldis Chapman everyday (this would be hilarious).  If you can't make contact, I get to kill your pet monkey, Quee.

Naptown Wolverine - Make it official.  Your testicles have been taken away for awhile now so just go ahead and wear a leash for the next few weeks.  FYI, I will rescind this remark upon payment on Saturday.--SHIT, just heard the gossip that I'm no longer privy to...sorry, bud.  Bang a different skank every day instead.
Daniel - Reparations.  You must shake hands with a minority every day and tell them that you respect them. 
Li'l Strut - Steal from me.  At least one legal document that you prepare per day has to have a Terrelle Pryor quote hidden in the subtext.
Tony B - The truth.  I don't care if he's the best QB in Bears history, one bad thing must be said about Jay Cutler everyday like one of those quote of the day tear-away calendars.
Jeff - Humility.  Stop being so ruggedly handsome (no homo!!!).  It's a curse that the two of us have to live with though.  Black Jesus sees it and he doesn't like it!  He wants the white women to himself.

Grumpy - Punishment.  Yeah, you're banned from central Ohio.  HOW DARE YOU TALK ME OUT OF A CORRECT ANSWER ABOUT MARCO POLO!!!
MUDawg - Flavor Saver.  40 days with an Arthur Blank mustache would be interesting.  The Blank is just a little bit wider than the Charlie Coles, in case you were wondering (Go 'Hawks this afternoon!).
Shook's Son - Matchmaker.  It's time to make you and Uncle T bunk with each other.  But who's the top?  They both seem like bottoms to me.
Dut - Shame.  Quit sniffing Jeff's underwear.  It's creepy and it will get you nowhere.  Do it for Black Jesus.  How about picking up a book and learning something, too.  I would appreciate it if you added more to the team than "answer writer downer".

Drew - Inebriation.  You must inhale a bottle of scotch everyday while driving around and then go play first base.
Damman - Grinding.  No, this isn't a chance to make a fat chicks joke.  Since Eric Wedge is working again, how about you volunteer to be his personal assistant for forty days.  You can even ghost-write his biography.
Irishman - Admission.  Yeah, you didn't fool me.  At some point before Easter, you are going to have to come clean that you were the anonymous Rip Hamilton supporter.  YOU BEEN OUTED!
Mr. Ace - English?  For the final sacrifice, I think it would be hilarious if you only communicated like Ozzie Guillen during Lent.  No one would know what the hell was going on.  A white guy speaking the broken-est of broken English!  And that's what makes it funny.

This isn't supposed to be easy, queers.  As for me, I usually do the vegetarian thing but She$ put the kibosh on that this year.  She recommended that we give up cheese.  I threw a hissy fit over that because I love cheese and...we ended up giving up cheese.  I actually recommended that we try living like Mormons with no drinking, no caffeine, and no swearing (among other things) and then I realized that I couldn't last a fucking hour doing that.  So cheese it is.  Fuck.

Black Jesus would now like you all to go in peace, mothafucka!!!


Grumpy said...

You made the mistake of assuming that age equals wisdom and deferred to my insistence on Marco Polo. Next time don't be such a pussy and stick to your guns.

Quit picking on Dut; he's like the little brother I never had.

My sympathy to your parents on the loss of their dog. It's always tough to lose a pet.

Anonymous said...

Who gets the happy ending? J, Beanie or Holgren? Either way, I'm in. Thanks.

-J Beanie

Anonymous said...

Haha good shit G$ - I will indeed be taking my talents to Lexington.


GMoney said...

By the way, the people who give up chocolate or pop for lent are complete fucking fraud cunts. That is way too easy.

I, On the other hand, damn near cried when we de-cheesed the fridge. It was a sad day.

Drew said...

Just wonderring if my scotch/first base thing was chosen before the details of Miggy's arrest were released last night? I like how before he was found on the side of the road, he got kicked out of a restaurant for being too drunk and threatening to kill people in the restaurant. Dude parties like a boss.

MUDawgfan said...

In a funny coincidence - I have already begun growing a mustache in preparation for the Miami Redhawks road to the Frozen Four!

Except mine is a handlebar mustache, would this suffice? Not sure if i'm dignified enough to carry the Blank-stache

Jeff said...

Giving up the rugged look would mean I would have to shave everyday and not once a week, very tall order, but I'll keep it in mind next time I hit the snooze and sleep 10 more minutes instead of shaving.

I've been wondering why I seem to be running out of boxers. Damnit Dut, where is the secret stash? I better not find any "skeletons" in your closet when I look. But of course, I'll expect to find you in there still waiting to come out!

"He's like the little brother I never had" classic Grump.

Mr. Ace said...

Is it even possible to have a meal without cheese? Poor form, G$.

I will talk like Ozzie only because it means I get to publicly call Jay Mariotti a faggot.

Anonymous said...

Grump- is it possible to be brothers with this kind of age gap?

I wouldn't sniff Jeff's nasty ass boxers (no pun) if you gave me a million dollars.

Lent is for homos and posers. If you just don't give up anything for lent and live for 70 years, you'll add 7 years of joy to your life. I choose to give up nothing.


Anonymous said...


If I were a criminal defense lawyer, Terrelle's "Everyone kills people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever" quote would be prominently displayed in everything. However, I have decided to stay as far away from criminal law (and divorce law) as possible. I don't need that shit in my life.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

CHEESE?! FUCKING CHEESE?! I'm not sure how that's possible man. I hope you make it out alive.

Giving up outlandish swearing is going to be nearly impossible. I'll give it a shot though. I think you should have given up midget porn instead G$. Midget porn is the #1 cause of divorce in Ohio.

Drew said...

Dut....I'm with you. As to what I will be giving up for lent, I will be giving up giving up things for this period of time. Sometimes I get inclinations to give up/cut down on certain vices or habits. I will not allow myself to have these inclinations during this period of time and will stay strong doing whatever my inner demons tell me it's fun to do. Because, it's fun to do bad things. If I have any weak moments I will lean on you guys for support.

GMoney said...

Threatening to kill a bunch of innocent diners is Sheen-esque and extremely hilarious.

Oh look at you two with your atheism. Honestly, giving shit up is more about the discipline for me. I do not "rack da disciprine".

I am all that is man.

Drew said...

I liked that Miggy threatened to blow up the restaurant. Who knew that he's basically a Venezualen terrorist? I'm also glad the cops didn't take him up on his request to be shot and killed.

Anonymous said...

Daily Holmgren back massages with a happy ending?! Looks like I won’t be giving up cheese for lent after all.

J from JBeanie

Tony B. said...

We'll start with an easy one and go from there. Jay Cutler is worse than the Phonics Monkey with interviews, YA KNOW?

Good shit, G$. Black Jesus hath been fair and just.

Anonymous said...

What troubles me most about this cabrera police report is that he drives a 2005 land rover. 2005?? Come on bro...upgrade already.

Drew said...

Ha. Miami of Ohio has a whopping 12 points in the second half against Akron right now.

Way to go G$, Grumpy and MUDawg!

GMoney said...

Its almost funny how bad this team is. Got it to ten with 9 to go but I've already given up.

GMoney said...

Its almost funny how bad this team is. Got it to ten with 9 to go but I've already given up.

Anonymous said...

Fear the ROOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!


GMoney said...

That one smarts. Just ran out of gas. Amd you know, scoring ten points in the first half doesn't help.

Anonymous said...

They both blow - Akron was just a little less worse.