Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Total Boner

It's true.  Office firewalls killed Boner.
Uh oh.  The shit is hitting the fan for your most favorite and sexy blogger.  Let's do this in chronological order:

Thursday night - I'm lifting at the gym, you know, doing my usual bench press with 400 pound fat chicks on each side of the bar.  And on about the millionth rep, something happened to my right shoulder.  I didn't hear anything pop or whatever, but something happened.  It doesn't feel right, hopefully just strained or something.  I'm icing it now (it's the first time that the frozen vegetables in the freezer have ever had a practical use) and I'm going to give it some time.  I don't feel like I could bowl right now and that is never good.  Needless to say, not a very promising beginning to the weekend.

Friday - Found out that my department is getting relocated to St. Louis and our team is going to be doing shittier work in another part of town.  I am grateful that we aren't getting laid off, but our new office building come mid-March is up in goddamn Polaris.  For the novices to central Ohio traffic, that means that my normal 20 minute commute each way just turned into 40+ minutes each way...every day.  Fuck that.  They don't pay me enough to make that commute 5 days a week.  Needless to say, I was doing job searches this past weekend.  This may come as a surprise to you, but there were no listings for lazy internet "writers" that don't work hard consistently yet would like to make six figures.  Goddamn Obama's fault!  Anyone hiring?  I have a sweet voice and do less drugs than that Ted Williams asshole!

Sunday - Things seemed to be coming up GMoney on Sunday when I uncorked some of my typical greatness.  Why yes, I did bet the over +16.5 goals in the NHL All-Star game.  Hell, they scored 25 last year...17 should have been easy.  And it was.  I don't need to remind everyone about my yearly wager on the NFC.  Again, money in the bank.  How could you NOT bet on a team that had 3 Redskins on the defense?  Those three only contributed to the 2nd worst defense in the NFL this season!  Easy cash and I feel like I've got my mojo back just in time for my Super Bowl prop bets (coming Thursday).  But these vibes did not last...

Monday - Shit, it took four great years but my internet-surfing computer at work finally dropped the hammer.  About a third of the sites frequented on my daily routine are now gone like a fart in the wind.  THAT INCLUDES THIS SITE.  I can't even get to my own work!  Deadspin, Facebook, the Uproxx sites...all vanishing from my fingertips now to be replaced by work.  This sucks.  Now, I can access the blogger site but The Last Supper will now stop greeting me daily.  I'm not asking you to feel bad for me because I get away with a LOT of "not-working" but that doesn't mean that I have to like it.  When I type in these URL's, the block will pop up and at the bottom it gives me the option of having someone review each blocked site to see if it has any work value.  Needless to say, I am not even going to bother submitting this place for review.

Fortunately, I can still comment from my Blackberry.  I don't know what I would do without internet on my phone.  So I can continue to put all of you in your place, it just won't be as lengthy or frequent because I hate phone internet.  I think that I said a few years ago that if the firewall that I'm speaking of now ever went down, this blog would end.  Well, I'm not going to let that happen.  At least not yet.  I want to get to 5 years (this July) before even considering "the walk away".

To put a cherry on top of this horrible Monday where my blogging world came crashing down around me, the puppy shit FOUR times within 30 minutes of me getting home.  And it wasn't the runs either.  I'm talking full poops.  The neighborhood was a warzone.  Call it "Fa-poop-jah".  The smell made me gag, too.  Literally.  I'm not kidding.  I don't know what he ate but I wanted to cut my nose off.

The week is only to get worse since Ohio will be the ice planet of Hoth by the time any of us read this this morning.  Our commutes will suck 12 inch dick.  I'm writing pro-Ohio State posts.  I have to watch little kids play basketball this weekend (nieces and nephews, not a pedophile thing...maybe).  Have a wedding to go to the night before the Super Bowl.  Jesus Christ, this week is only going to get worse.  I'll probably wake up on Wednesday with ass-AIDS or married to Ke$ha or some bullshit. 

As Barney Gumble once said, "Don't cry for me, I'm already dead".  Couldn't have said it better, you lovable drunk.

15 comments:

GMoney said...

HEY! 2 hour delay at the office! Joe Gibbs is on Mike and Mike talking about the glory days! Things are turning around!

Drew said...

Having to work up at Polaris is going to suck major donkey cock. They might as well have told you that you will be working in Toledo now. I fucking despise driving all the way up there.

Can you still masterbate with your messed up shoulder?

The highways weren't that bad this morning....could get dicey in the afternoon though.


I took my dog out this morning and she did NOT like walking on ice. She finally found a place to piss and then of course it was basically on a hill and her piss just ran down the ice through her paws like a water slide.

GMoney said...

I've lived here for about 4 years now and I've been to Polaris three times. That is not an accident. It fucking sucks going up there.

Anonymous said...

Quaker Steak and Lube!!

Drew said...

I'd say I've been to Polaris maybe five times in the last four years. Four times to go to The Pub, because my buddy's girlfriend bartended there and gave us free booze....and one time a few weeks ago to check out this Tilted Kilt joint. It's way better than Hooters, but it's not worth the drive. So, over four years the only things that have gotten me up there was free booze and tits. I hated every second of both drives a few weeks ago. Fuck that place....those Muslims should take their jihad to there.

Anonymous said...

I drive to Delaware every day, so I don't want to hear it! Although my commute is only 25 minutes because I don't live in Grovetucky.

I am working from home today. My road doesn't get salted, and I couldn't go anywhere when I pulled out. I am seriously stranded. I'm sure ill get a lot done today!

I would never even try to go to this site at work. There's a reason Damman's company has it listed as a porn site.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Drew- You didn't think the Tilted Kilt was worth it? Shame on you..

Dut

Drew said...

Nope....not worth the drive. It didn't help that our waitress was some black girl whose face looked like it got beat with the ugly stick and she spoke with the lisp of a fag who had just drank six beers. There were some fine looking girls in there..especially the bartenders...and the menu blows Hooters out of the water, but it's still not worth a total of an hour in the car.

GMoney said...

I made it in and it only took about 4 extra minutes but I don't even want to think about the drive home tonight.

Ill ask my somali neighbors if they can take care of polaris for you

Drew said...

Don't get too many of those Somalis into trouble. They are my preferred method of transportation on the weekends.

Tony B. said...

Yikes man- that doesn't sound great. Time to move out to California- the land of broken dreams, nice weather, and billions of dollars of debt. Do it!

PS: You caused the frigid weather by writing a positive post about OSU. Hell is literally freezing over.

Grumpy said...

3 words for you: Rotator. Cuff. Surgery.

Anonymous said...

I hope we get hammered up in toledo. Hopefully 12 to 18 inchs so i dont have to go to work. You had a 2 hour delay, a bunch of pussies must live in Columbus it was an easy drive this mornin. They probably had a delay because of black history month and they wanted to make sure everyone was ready for it.

nw

Drew said...

Grumpy says "rotator cuff surgery"?!?!?!? Does that mean that G$ gets to go meet Dr. James Andrews?

GMoney said...

Man, don't be talking about surgery! I have no interest in rehab, just like charlie sheen.

I have to admit, the idea of delaying for black history month made me laugh way harder than it should have.