Friday, February 18, 2011

Ted Williams Asks "What Did The 5 Fingers Say To The Face"

To finish off "No Sports Week" here, I'm going to unleash a nice little tale that some of you may know but most others do not.  This is to be used for inspirational purposes.  Last week in the comments, Li'l Strut said that commenters should send me their nutty and crazy stories and I could start posting them.  That, in fact, is a fantastic idea.  I've already sent out feelers to a handful of you and am patiently waiting on your submissions.  "Crazy Post Week" sounds like a great plan and could do wonders for me since I am 100% certain that I've got some hopefully minor dental shit coming up in the near future.  So to wrap up the week, this is the sort of stuff that I'm hoping for (from you of course)...

The date was September 15, 2007.  G$ was living in Hilliard at the time and was returning from a day trip of watching my RedHawks get slaughtered at home by UC (completely irrelevant to the story).  I knew that our house would be entertaining people when I got there because Ohio State was playing at Warrrrrrrshington at 3:30 that afternoon.  Ohio State kicked the shit out of them as was expected and the guests at our house were ready to extend the drunken debauchery to campus.  One of these ardent supporters of the scarlet and gray will be referred to as "Poopson" for privacy's sake eventhough most people know who this "gentleman" is.

The game ended around 6:30 or 7 and since I was sober, I volunteered to drive up to campus.  I should have known that we were in for trouble when Poopson started spitting his game at our ridiculously pug fugly neighbors.  They were hideous she-beasts.  But he was macking on them hard in his normal drunk and obnoxious style.  They were not impressed.  So I get him in the car and we make it to the Stube.  Since the game was on the road, campus wasn't very busy meaning that the bar wasn't full at all.  There were three decent-looking girls sitting at the bar when we got there.  It took Poopson about 3 minutes to hone in on them.

He's working it hard and while this is going on, a dirty homeless man saunters in to drink a pitcher of swill at the end of the bar about ten to fifteen away from the shitty attempt at a foursome.  Apparently, he is watching this feeble attempt to get laid.  The girls pretty much just laugh Poopson away so he fires back the only way that he knows how...he called them all cunts at the decibel level of a plane engine.  That went over about as well as AIDS at a nursery school.  The girls get all up in his face and scream at him that he's an asshole which is hard to argue.  Someone in our group gets him outside to calm him down which pretty much meant that he kept calling them cunts but in a normal tone.  Eventually, Poopson heads back inside to sit at the bar and drink some more, far away from "The 3 Cunts".

The homeless guy finishes his pitcher and readies himself to get back on the streets for some hardcore panhandling.  He walks by Poopson and SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE while mumbling about respecting women.  No one has any idea what is going on.  Did that raving derelict really just take a swipe at this other raving derelict?  He did!  Outstanding!  Not-Ted-Williams Ted Williams leaves but Poopson follows him into the parking lot where shit got realz really fast. 

Poopson is screaming at him to come back over and fight but the hobo does nothing.  So Poopson does what all normal people with unappealing bodies do...he takes his shirt off and then, for reasons unknown, his sandals off, too.  He stands there screaming at a vagrant in a broken glass-filled parking lot with no shoes or shirt on.

In the middle of this brouhaha, Reba decides that it would be funny to de-pants Poopson during his profanity-laced tirade.  I remember agreeing wholeheartedly that this would be a good decision.  So he went for it and yanked down.  But he got a little more than he wanted.  He pulled boxers, too.  Poopson was completely naked.

The best part, you ask?  HE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT!  It took him 4-5 seconds to figure out that he was screaming at a beggar while his nuts were fully on display to the world.  I should let the uninformed know that Poopson is not an attractive man in the slightest.  His most appealling feature is probably his...ummmm...hmmmm...ability to play a decent air guitar to Guns and Roses songs?  Things calmed down after Poopson re-sheathed his sword and he had no idea that he was de-pantsed.  He just thought that they fell down on their own.  And I still don't think that he knows the real story (until now).

The night ended with Poopson passing out in a booth inside the bar and "The 3 Cunts" all taking pictures with him while he was blacked out.  I have to admit, the poses were pretty funny.  I ended up taking him home that night (no homo) so he could sleep it off on our couch.  Yep, he fell asleep with a bag of BBQ chips on his gut. 

So let this be a lesson to all of you out there.  Homeless men demand you to be chivalrous but will back down if you expose yourself to them.  There.  "No Sports Week" is officially over.  We made it.  Let's all get Miggy Cabrera-drunk now.


Anonymous said...

hear i thought you where gonig to talk about the homeless guy shitting on the floor, disappointing.


GMoney said...

The guy who shit on the floor there, Fred, is not homeless but just an old weirdo who likes to take drunk dumps in public venues. Big difference.

Grumpy said...

Najeh Davenport lives in Columbus?

Anonymous said...

Poopson definitely still does not know that he was depantsed...until now.

Didn't he pass out at like 10 at the bar?


Drew said...

I enjoyed that story. Poopson isn't very smart...hasn't he ever seen those "bum fights" on the internet? Those dudes fight daily for scraps and if you are doing it in the Stube parking lot then you basically just gave the homeless guy a home ring. Poopson probably would have gotten knifed or something.

I dropped the C-Bomb on a girl at the OSU/Da U game this past year. I had been standing in line to take a piss with this black Da U fan for like 15 minutes during half-time and this dude had swag that was off the charts. Black dude...dressed head to toe in Cane gear and rocking Da U football gloves...funny ass guy that was a die-hard Cane. We finally get close to the bathroom and this girl was standing in front of us with her boyfriend...all of a sudden she starts spouting off at the Cane about how he cut in line and he needs to go to the back of the line. The Cane wasn't budging because his swag wouldn't let him, but I told her that he had been standing in line the whole time and to be quiet. She responded with something like, "Look at this fucking faggot sticking up for a Miami fan." I immediately said, "You are such a fucking cunt." She went ballistic, but her boyfriend didn't do shit and me and the Cane fan just strolled into the bathroom. Fun times.

When do you need our crazy story submissions? I'm really looking forward to those.

GMoney said...

Next week sometime? Does that work?

By the way, I did go to trivia night with The Fucktards last night and I dominated. No joke. Ace, jeff, dut, and those other guys were in awe. Funny thing, one of the questions was when did the tigers win their first world series. Dut bolted to the host with the answer before he even finished the question. He was so damn confident. Yet he was wrong by 27 years. Dut sucks.

Anonymous said...

Great Story


Jeff said...

Yea too bad the tigers question wasn't what was Miggy's blood alcohol content.

Best part was after turning in our team name as Fucktards, being told by the "question master" that that's how team names should be.

GMoney said...

I am 100% sure that the question manager was Chad Pennington.

Anonymous said...

I knew I was wrong once I sat down after turning in the answer. If the question was what year did the Tigers first APPEAR in the world series, I would have gotten us bonus points! The Tigers lost 3 WS in a row. Ty Cobb sucks!!

Was it awkward that a team name was "Rosa Parks didn't call shotgun" and there was 1 black guy in the room?

I think Poopson should write a book about his life. It would be the most appalling/awesome book ever. I guarantee he has 100 stories similar to this.


MuDawgfan said...

Damn, my story is late to the editors!

G$ - expect it by end of business today (cause I intend to half-ass it today at work).

The Iceman said...

I feel like I know some people around town that could be this mystical Poopson.

GMoney said...

Dawg, that's fine. I don't have anything yet.

The black guy was on the fucktards, too. We were the most ghetto team there.

Drew said...

G$....You will have my stories next week.

The funny thing about Ted Williams is that once he becomes a bum again, he's going to have to bum around some different town. For someone that had no shame in being a bum, he will have too much shame being the bum rags to riches failure in Columbus.

Plus, the only rags to riches bum out of Columbus should be "Help is on the Way". I can't wait to see him win a Grammy someday.

Drew said...

Does anyone have any good bum stories? I’ve only got one decent one.

Back in my Junior or Senior year of college, one weekend night we had some friends over to our house…which meant people were partying until the sun came up. I don’t remember why, but I ended up spending the night at my girlfriend at the time’s house a few streets away. So, we went and got some breakfast in the morning and then she drove me back to my house at like 11. She lets me out and the walkway from the sidewalk to my front porch is just a sea of a broken porcelain toilet and blood. To top it off there was a big black bum sleeping on the couch on our front porch. So, after assessing the scene for a minute I decide to venture over to my neighbors house to get my buddy who was a big black dude to come over and wake the bum up. We try to wake the dude up and he doesn’t wake up….and remember there is blood and porcelain all over the place. So, we call the cops and they send over a couple cruisers and manage to wake the guy up. Then they start asking about the blood and where he is cut. Well, after looking him over for a bit they come to the conclusion that none of the blood is his and tell him to get the fuck out of there. So, I go inside and up to the bathroom only to see that our upstairs toilet is no longer there. I come to find out that one of my roommates decided to put a firecracker in the toilet (Bart Simpson style) and it cracked the shit out of it. So, they brought it outside and decided to smash it on our walk-way….but, the dude that did the smashing cut the shit out of his hand and had to go to the hospital to get a ton of stitches….hence all the blood everywhere. So, really the bum just saw a couch and decided that’s where he would pass out.

Tony B. said...

Unnoticed/unintentional full frontal nudity is hilarious.

How does someone get tagged with the (I'm assuming) fake name of "Poopson?" There has to be story behind that as well.

It seems like the bum on the couch was the least of your apartment's problems, Drew.

GMoney said...

Tony, he's known for his rancid shits.

The first story is in with picture! It is of a busty lass! Thanks dawg!

Tony B. said...

Well, that was a quick story. Well explained, G$.

Mr. Ace said...

And there are 5 oceans, fucktards.

GMoney said...

That was the saddest part of the night. 8 guys openly debating how many oceans there were and not one of us knowing for sure. We truly are fucktarded.