Friday, February 18, 2011
The date was September 15, 2007. G$ was living in Hilliard at the time and was returning from a day trip of watching my RedHawks get slaughtered at home by UC (completely irrelevant to the story). I knew that our house would be entertaining people when I got there because Ohio State was playing at Warrrrrrrshington at 3:30 that afternoon. Ohio State kicked the shit out of them as was expected and the guests at our house were ready to extend the drunken debauchery to campus. One of these ardent supporters of the scarlet and gray will be referred to as "Poopson" for privacy's sake eventhough most people know who this "gentleman" is.
The game ended around 6:30 or 7 and since I was sober, I volunteered to drive up to campus. I should have known that we were in for trouble when Poopson started spitting his game at our ridiculously pug fugly neighbors. They were hideous she-beasts. But he was macking on them hard in his normal drunk and obnoxious style. They were not impressed. So I get him in the car and we make it to the Stube. Since the game was on the road, campus wasn't very busy meaning that the bar wasn't full at all. There were three decent-looking girls sitting at the bar when we got there. It took Poopson about 3 minutes to hone in on them.
He's working it hard and while this is going on, a dirty homeless man saunters in to drink a pitcher of swill at the end of the bar about ten to fifteen away from the shitty attempt at a foursome. Apparently, he is watching this feeble attempt to get laid. The girls pretty much just laugh Poopson away so he fires back the only way that he knows how...he called them all cunts at the decibel level of a plane engine. That went over about as well as AIDS at a nursery school. The girls get all up in his face and scream at him that he's an asshole which is hard to argue. Someone in our group gets him outside to calm him down which pretty much meant that he kept calling them cunts but in a normal tone. Eventually, Poopson heads back inside to sit at the bar and drink some more, far away from "The 3 Cunts".
The homeless guy finishes his pitcher and readies himself to get back on the streets for some hardcore panhandling. He walks by Poopson and SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE while mumbling about respecting women. No one has any idea what is going on. Did that raving derelict really just take a swipe at this other raving derelict? He did! Outstanding! Not-Ted-Williams Ted Williams leaves but Poopson follows him into the parking lot where shit got realz really fast.
Poopson is screaming at him to come back over and fight but the hobo does nothing. So Poopson does what all normal people with unappealing bodies do...he takes his shirt off and then, for reasons unknown, his sandals off, too. He stands there screaming at a vagrant in a broken glass-filled parking lot with no shoes or shirt on.
In the middle of this brouhaha, Reba decides that it would be funny to de-pants Poopson during his profanity-laced tirade. I remember agreeing wholeheartedly that this would be a good decision. So he went for it and yanked down. But he got a little more than he wanted. He pulled boxers, too. Poopson was completely naked.
The best part, you ask? HE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT! It took him 4-5 seconds to figure out that he was screaming at a beggar while his nuts were fully on display to the world. I should let the uninformed know that Poopson is not an attractive man in the slightest. His most appealling feature is probably his...ummmm...hmmmm...ability to play a decent air guitar to Guns and Roses songs? Things calmed down after Poopson re-sheathed his sword and he had no idea that he was de-pantsed. He just thought that they fell down on their own. And I still don't think that he knows the real story (until now).
The night ended with Poopson passing out in a booth inside the bar and "The 3 Cunts" all taking pictures with him while he was blacked out. I have to admit, the poses were pretty funny. I ended up taking him home that night (no homo) so he could sleep it off on our couch. Yep, he fell asleep with a bag of BBQ chips on his gut.
So let this be a lesson to all of you out there. Homeless men demand you to be chivalrous but will back down if you expose yourself to them. There. "No Sports Week" is officially over. We made it. Let's all get Miggy Cabrera-drunk now.