Thursday, February 17, 2011

Sandwiches: An Open Forum

As we continue "No Sports Week" here at TMS, I want to get back into the kitchen and talk about a huge passion of mine...sandwiches.  GOTDAMN, sandwiches are great.  While some of you may not have like Friends, I did, and the best episode of that show was when they played that game for the apartment and David Schwimmer's annoying ass hosted.  He asked the girls, "What is Joey's favorite food?"  And "sandwiches" was the correct answer.  You know what, using that train of thought, I'd bet that most of us would use the same vague answer, too.  It is an all-encompassing food that never fails to satisfy.  It is breakfast, lunch, dinner, 4th meal, snack...the sandwich is EVERYTHING.  So let's talk about sandwiches today.  The list will include my favorites, what not to do, and ranking the chains (not to be confused with the classic Dokken hit, Breaking The Chains).

My list of favorite sandwiches:
1. The Reuben - I have never had a bad reuben.  Corned beef and sauerkraut make an amazing combo.  But don't fall into the trap of thinking that a Turkey Reuben is good because turkey + cole slaw does not equal deliciousness.
2. The Cheesesteak - I have been to Philly.  I thought that Pat's was amazing.  I have no reason to go anywhere else upon future visits.  Who would have thought that Cheese Wiz could be so incredible?
3. The Cuban - Not really a sandwich that shows up on menus of chain places, but a quality eat wherever you can find it.  It should always be 2/3 pork and 1/3 ham though.
4. The Hogan's Hero - A Naptown original.  Ham, pepperoni, cappicola and you better get the works on that bitch.  I had one a few weeks ago and it gave me wood.
5. The Chicken Salad/Hot Shredded Chicken - I won't eat tuna or egg or ham salad (all disgusting), but chicken salad is delightful.  And there is no better late night drunk food than the hot chicken sandwiches produced in the kitchen of Naptown Wolverine's mother.
Honorable Mention - Sloppy Joe, Roast Beef, Pastrami, Club

How you ruin a sandwich:
*putting ketchup on it - we argue this all the time regarding ketchup on a hotdog but I can't think of one sandwich that would require this horrible substance
*over-condimenting - the meat should be the star of every sandwich, dammit, don't bog down your creation with too much Grey Poupon
*hard bread - I say this as someone who is currently in dire need of having his wisdom teeth yanked (coming soon!), nothing sucks more than blowing out your jaw trying to swallow dense bread...I'm looking at you, Panera
*too many vegetables - again, the meat is the star, not the two pounds of lettuce that Subway puts on
*cheap cheese - Kraft Singles are for grilled cheese only, homo, if you're going to put cheese on it then don't half-ass it
*cutting off the crust - When the fuck did this bullshit start anyway?  Any kid that can't eat crust should be killed.  I lost total respect for Bill in Kill Bill when he was cutting the crust off of his sandwich.  I thought that he was supposed to be some badass yet he can't handle his crust?  It's no wonder that he died from auto-erotic asphyxiation in some shithole Asian country.
*white trash meat - Bologna.  Never eat bologna.  Until I'm told what that shit is, I will never touch it.  Here's another one...ham.  Ham is white trash.  Not like a honey baked ham that you have on the holidays though.  I'm talking about deli ham.  That shit is nasty.  Ham should never be the #1 meat in a good sandwich.  It is at it's best as the Scottie Pippen of your sandwich.

Where you find the best sandwiches via chain restaurants (yes, I realize that some random place in New York has the best meat ever but I've never been there so it doesn't count):
7. Subway - I hate Subway.  I have said this many times.  Consider it's #7 ranking as what it truly is...dead last.
6. Panera Bread - I don't get the love for this place.  The soups are pretty good but it loses tons of points for making crappy sandwiches with their rock hard bread (see above). 
5. WG Grinders - Eh, it's OK, I guess but it's a knock-off of about five better deli-style places.  She$ once left her purse at a Grinders and made me drive 20 miles back in the wrong decision to get it.  I blame Grinders for that.
4. Jimmy John's - Ah yes, the home of "free smells".  The Turkey Tom was a $4 delight when I was in college.  It helps that they make them fast as fuck, too.
3. Penn Station - Quality, quality cheesesteaks.  I like to order them no shrooms but double banana peppers.  It's because I'm awesome.  It is unfortunate that their fries are garbage though.
2. Quizno's - Love it.  Absolutely love this place.  The Chicken Carbonara is a culinary masterpiece.  They have good shit like brisket and prime rib subs on occasion, too, which is always nice.
1. Jersey Mike's - The best subs around.  Period.  This will not be argued against.  Shut up.

I would like to also throw an honorable mention to the places like Panini's (and Primanti Bros in Shitsburgh) that stuff fries into their sandwiches.  Truly a fatasses wet dream there.  Along that train of thought BW3's (I refuse to call it Buffalo Wild Wings) Steak and Potato Flip is absolutely outstanding.  I ordered it a few weeks back but they ran out of steak.  I wonder if they ever found that waitress's body?

And of course, I could not end this post without an inclusion of the greatest sandwich shop on planet Earth...
BAGEL AND DELI on High St. in lovely Oxford, OH.  Best place ever.  I shit you not.  This place makes the best fucking sandwiches you will EVER eat.  Well, that might not be true, but I can assure you that they are the tits.  So...let's talk sandwiches today, eh?  I've got dibs on the pastrami.


Anonymous said...

Balogna is Mexican Steak.. Now you know !

Grumpy said...

Rueben! With thousand island. Primanti Bros. is the best ever. I don't get the love for Jersey Mike's; all bread, no substance. And if you don't like Panera sandwiches, you're a fucktard. I love that word.

MuDawgfan said...

Those of you who venture south into Florida or New Orleans might have the pleasure of eating a fried shrimp Po-Boy. It's essentialy fresh baked french bread, thin layer of mayo, lettuce and tomato and 15+ fried shrimp with hot sauce.
I could stop at eat it and any time I wanted. Its outstanding.

Also, in keeping with my theme of "Southern Foods" the pulled BBQ Pork Sandwich is simply wonderful. Many of you will rip on my for my southern bias (much of the ripping is earned). But I feel confident that NOBODY will hate on a well made pulled pork sandwich. The bun must be lightly toasted, there must be EXACTLY two dill pickles and there must be enough pulled pork so that some of it spills over the side and has to be eatin by fork (who are we kidding - we're eating this with our hands).

Drew said...

I don't eat many sandwiches, but I must say that I agree with you that if I'm at a bad ass deli....I'm getting me a bad ass Rebeun. But, I don't get the thousand island dressing on those things...not too big of a fan of that.

I also don't get my mayo on my sandwiches, but that's just because I don't like mayo.

I probably get a six inch sub from Subway twice a week for lunch, because it's healthy/cheap/tasty enough for me....suck on that.

Do you consider a gyro a sandwich? I love gyros.

The best sandwich place I've ever been to is called "TooJay's" in Stuart, FL where my Grandma lives...probably been there at least 40 times in my life. Crazy big and deliciious deli sandwiches.

Hard bread is indeed stupid.

Drew said... on on the pulled pork sandwich. I fucking love pulled pork sandwiches and really love when they come made with a spicy BBQ sauce. Pulled pork sandwiches are the shit.

City BBQ makes a mean Pulled Pork sandwich in Columbus.

GMoney said...

Ehhhh, I love gyros too but I'm going to exclude them today.

Pulled pork is indeed the shit and I'm ashamed to forget about it. And yes, spillover is mandatory.

Drew said...

Miguel Cabrera got a bad DUI last night. Man likes his booze.

MuDawgfan said...

A well made biscuit sandwich is a thing of wonder too.

Chick-fil-A does a great job with their chicken biscuits and there is nothing more hearty in the morning than a nice bacon/egg/cheese breakfast sandwich.

Anonymous said...

Count me in on the pulled pork bandwagon. When you are done with everything on the bun, you should have enough pork on the plate to make another small sandwich.

Also, regarding reubens, I prefer they put the kraut between slices of corned beef. Soggy bread is not a good thing.

I am also a fan of the buffalo chicken sandwich. On that note, what was the sandwich from Wings Xtreme that Reba always recommended. That sandwich was responsible for about 10 lbs. of weight gain my freshman year of college.

I've never been a fan of Hawks' subs (i.e. Hogan's Hero) because they will not toast them. All the subs are microwaved in a commercial microwave.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Another thought: Great call on the Philly Cheesesteak. I do not buy them outside of Philly, because there is no way they can be as good. Although I went to Geno's and not Pat's, because I refuse to support a business named "Pat's" for obvious reasons, I still thought the sandwich was one of the best I have ever had. I was craving it for weeks after I left.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

I thought Cabby said he was off the sauce? As long as he's hitting .350 again with clutch HRs again this year, I don't care how much he drinks/gets beat up by his wife. Just hit bombs please.

I am offended that you'd put Grinders so low on the list. I used to eat there 3 or 4 times a week in college and I never got sick of it. When I moved away from BG for an internship, they closed down. I'd like to think that my loss of business put them under. My mouth salivates every time I see one of those restaurants.

I eat scrubway a few times a week, but only because its cheap/convenient. I love Februany.

Ham is not white trash. I choose ham over any deli meat. If I'm white trash, I'm not sure what that makes the rest of you bums. Ham makes any food taste better (especially if you combine it with pineapple). Seriously, is there a better duo than ham and pineapple? I don't think so.

I love Grumpy dropping "fucktard."

Trivia tonight at grandview cafe if anyone is interested.


Drew said...

Dut....he was drinking scotch in front of the officers while they questioned him about why his car was smoking on teh side of the road. He proceeded to resist arrest and dropped the "Do you know who I am?" card. Sounds like he avoided getting tased though. He looks really happy with a huge smile in his mug shot. I bet he could still hit .330 that drunk.

GMoney said...

Hey! Although the tigers don't really count as sports, we still aren't going there this week dammit!

LS, that would have been the america west chicken sandwich with garlic parm instead of bbq was delightful.

Ham is white trash. I am right.

Probably out for trivia tonight because I'm gay.

Mr. Ace said...

G$, you would be out for trivia fagstick.

There is no such thing as a best sandwich without bacon. Pinera sucks. Jersey Mikes sucks. Penn station rules. Ruebens suck.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, how can Jersey Mike's be #1? The only good thing to come out of New Jersey is Jersey Shore and... Well that's all I can think of. The place has to be filled with fagsackles.

I refuse to take food advice from anyone who gets their steak well done.


Drew said...

Dut....Rick Porcello came from New Jersey.

Tony B. said...

I love Mitch Hedberg's joke about the size of NY deli sandwiches:

Can I get you anything with that sandwich?

Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!


Peppered jack cheese makes almost every sandwich better.

Drew said...

Agreed. PepperJack is a not then give me some sharp cheddar. Nothing worse than some cheese that you can't even taste.

GMoney said...

I'm not going to take abuse from an asshole that prefers fruit on pizza.

I like jersey mikes because they slice the meat in front of you. That means its fresh!

What time does that shit start and go 'til tonight?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Big Apple Deli in Toledo/Oregon is fucking rad. They have a Turkey, banana pepper, 1,000 island dressing sandwich that will make your butthole explode.

Outside of Ohio, the Lucky Sandwich Co. in Chicago will blow your mind. If you like coleslaw...which I do...they have a corned beef, coleslaw, french fry sandwich that will change your life.

Drew said... you like that sandwich at the Big Apple Deli because it reminds you of what your butt-hole does after sleep-over nights with Mr. Ace?

Anonymous said...

Mr. Ace is surprisingly gentle with a butthole.

Anonymous said...

Spinelli's Deli on Neil in Cbus. The Jalapeno Joe is Phenomenal!!!!

-Big Strut

Anonymous said...

Buke and My all time favorite was the Wings Extreme American West Chicken Sandwich Minus BBQ, Plus Garlic Parm.

Big Strut