Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Post In Which I Rank Sports Video Games

I've been banking a lot of post ideas in the hopper recently (I don't even know if that line made sense).  Yet somehow, The Iceman found my list of future posts yesterday and beat me to it.  So we're just going to ride the momentum waves that he started and build this idea into a 64-bit tsunami destined to destroy the village that Piston Honda is from. 

Yes, I've decided to rank my ten favorite sports-based video games of all time.  I should preface this by admitting that I am not a "gamer".  I did not grow up with a Nintendo or a Sega or anything.  My first system purchase was a PS2 and that didn't happen until I was 22.  But I think that I know a thing or two about this.  I might not have quite as long of a history as some of you guys do, but I do have a badass blog which makes me overqualified.  So drop your controller, quit blowing into your game cartridge, and let's take a go-kart down memory lane.

10a. Blades of Steel - I have no idea what the announcer was saying during this game.  It always sounded like "BITE THE PADS" to me AKA what Sid Crosby does in the shower after every game.
10b. Madden pick-a-year - Obviously
10c. EA Sports College Football pick-a-year - Obviously again but those games are so popular and have made so much money that I say fuck 'em today.
10d. NHL '96 - Drew is going to hate this, but I was always the Avs when I played.  Why?  Because they were really good and I liked Claude Lemieux.  He was a real instigator.

9. Bill Walsh College Football - The father of college football games although I have no idea why Walsh was used as the name for it.  This was the first game to have an extended playbook and introduced me to the "Bone Dog" defense.  Due to (I assume) trademarking issues with the NCAA, all the schools were called "Ann Arbor" and "Provo" and "Columbus" which I thought was funny.  I really hated Palo Alto.

8. NBA Jam - How badass was this game?  2-on-2 basketball has never been more awesome.  But I always found basketball games more challenging to play as I would always hit shoot when I wanted to pass and then take a 3/4 court shot.  Infuriating.  But if I had the "on fire" ball

7. Mortal Kombat - If ripping out another person's spine isn't a sport, then I don't know what is.  This (and Street Fighter) was one of the few fighting games that I actually liked.  Subzero was my boy.

6. Baseball Stars - Totally underrated because it was the first video game that let you be the GM and build your own team.  And that is why it is better than RBI Baseball (also because it didn't waste your time trying to figure out how to pronounce Steve Lombardozzi).  Well, that and the fact that the Lovely Ladies were all whores.

5. Tiger Woods Golf - Just a beautiful game.  I actually BEAT the entire game when I was living by myself in Cleveland.  I had no friends.  I think that I read somewhere that Augusta finally gave them the OK to put that course on this year.  That would be awesome.  I think that if you beat Tiger, you are allowed to sodomize Rachel Uchitel...but I could be wrong.

4. Tecmo Super Bowl - Considering how great Tecmo Bowl was, it was going to take a massive effort to outshine that game.  And the Super version did.  People will talk about how great the Bills and the 49ers are but the real champions know that QB Eagles, Christian Okoye, and the Houston Oilers passing game were all unstoppable.  And 8 plays are better than 4.

3. Mike Tyson's Punchout - I have nothing bad to say about this game.  While I think that Doc lacked critical boxing knowledge that a trainer should possess, at the end of the day, he always offered sage advice in the corner.  I don't think that I've ever hated a video game character more than I hated The Sandman.  That black asshole was a black asshole.

2. Mario Kart (N64 version) - It's a racing game so it counts.  And my college roommates and I used to get drunk and play it constantly.  So much fucking fun.  We even made a drinking game out of it where you had to drink if you slipped on a banana, hit a fake box, or got nailed by a red shell.  It was awesome.  Wario is the greatest.  If you ever raced as Luigi or Toad, you are gay.  I stand by this.

1. Golden Tee - The King.  You can usually only play it in a bar.  It's great drunk.  It's great sober.  It's challenging.  The graphics are outstanding.  It's the only time that I don't mind Jim Nantz.  It is the best.  I am the best player to ever play it (suck it, Reba and Mizzle).  My "black Viking wearing jeans" will never be defeated.  And while some will argue that you should putt with one hand, I strenuously disagree.  Two thumbs, baby.  No "retard thumb" for this guy.

There you go.  Like I said, I'm not an expert but I think that I know enough.  Iceman reminded me of Baseball Simulator 1000 which featured the Bomb Pitch and the Stop Ball.  I wish that those things were real.  What do you think?  Did I win the Rainbow Cup or am I looking at a TKO From Tokyo?


Grumpy said...

Super Mario Bros. Twenty-one years ago I was pissed that an 8 yr. old friend was a master of the game and I couldn't move Mario four steps without him getting killed. So I bought my own Nintendo system and practiced in every free moment. I learned all the shortcuts and reached the point where I could go through all levels and rescue the princess in exactly 13 minutes.

I challenged the 8 yr. old, won the coin toss to go first, rescued the princess in 13 minutes and walked out the door. Vanquishing an 8 yr. old at Mario Bros. remains to this day my greatest achievement.

Drew said... are a sad individual.

G$....You're a faggot for liking the Avs and Claude Lemieux.

I've never been too big into video games, but my baseball game of choice for regular Nintendo was Major League Baseball....that's all it was called and I was very good at it.

All of the EA NHL games were very prefer 96...I prefer 95.

A game I loved on PlayStation was Gran Turismo. I think that was the beginning into the crazy video game graphics leap.

I'm absolutely terrible at Golden Tee.

MUDawgfan said...

Couple of quick additions. These don't count as true sports games (like Mario Kart) - but they were fun as hell.

1. Arch Rivals. The basketball game on the NES that let you punch and tackle your opponents.

2. Base Wars. Baseball with robots that could float and carry lazer swords AND were forced to fight on close calls....sign me up sirs.

Jeff said...

Silver Strike is up there with Golden Tee. Being that it is also a bar game it is much easier to operate while getting shit faced...not that Golden Tee is rocket science though.

GMoney said...

I think I've only seen two bars with silver strike: one closed and the stube took it out for a pinball machine. It is a great game though.

I remember Base was odd.

Grumpy, you make me laugh and sad. But good job putting that puke in his place.

Mr. Ace said...

Great subject. Tecmo super bowl has to be higher. Mortal Combat 2 for Sega was the best game of that franchise. Anybody remember Excite-Bike, I think that was the name, for Nintendo. Classic. NBA Jam is way too far down the list too...there are just too many to even start my list.

Anonymous said...

If memory serves me correctly, Ace was what you referred to as a "gamer". So was Dut. Those assholes could probably make a top 50 list. One game that was always fun to play against another person, but sucked playing against the computer, was NFL Blitz.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Good call Drew. NHL 95 is king. The birth of create-a-players in hockey. Does anyone remember the atrocity that Mutant League Football was? What a waste of a football game. Also, an honorable mention that I forgot about was Pro Wrestling for the original Nintendo. The Amazon's Piranha Bite was the single most infuriating move ever created.

Totally agree with the N64 version of Mario Kart G$. We STILL play that game every year when we come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I will put the N64 up against ANY video game system ever created. That system spawned so many great game and remains pretty underrated to this day. Mario Kart 64, Ken Griffey Jr Baseball, NFL Hitz, Super Smash Brothers, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and who can forget Goldeneye. I would argue that Goldeneye is the greatest game ever made. There isn't even a close second.

Drew said...

Ace....I remember Excitebike....that was a damn fun game.

GMoney said...

I agree. One of my greatest achievements in life was beating GoldenEye for the first time after drinking 15 beers in my freshman dorm. I think I passed out in the hall that night.

The worst video game ever will always be Ten Yard Fight where it took the guy in motion a minute to go from point a to point b

Anonymous said...

Solid list. Also, the commenters are coming through with some great additions (nfl blitz, silver strike, every game that Iceman listed).

Lil Strut- don't confuse being a gamer with being a natural. A gamer plays videogames nonstop. A natural (me) picks up a game and immediately owns everyone. I didn't even have NCAA for PS2 when I used to destroy you, Mr Ace, and Nate. Bitches.

I will challenge anyone to Mario Kart 64 for any amount of $$. I've never been able to find anyone that can come close to me in that game (except the crapshoot tracks like the one with jumping groundhogs). Bring it!


Anonymous said...

I think we need to have an N64 challenge.

Also, how did Mario Tennis get left off of this list?


Drew said...

Dut...that's a great point on Mario Tennis. I couldn't put a figure on how many hours I played Mario Tennis my freshman year in the dorms....and still played a ton the rest of college. I always played with Donkey Kong Jr.

GMoney said...

Would you be allowed to use the track cheats or just straight racin' in said tournament?

Anonymous said...

Dut...I would love to take that challenge. The N64 is making a comeback. My brother is a Senior at the University of Findlay and they have Ken Griffey Jr baseball tournaments almost every weekend. It's incredible to watch. It's an all day event and there are literally about 40 people in it. $5 entry and the winner takes home something like 75% of the pot.

I would offer a similar challenge in Goldeneye, Dut. I'm fucking surgical in that game. There was no greater feeling than waxing some douchenozzle in Goldeneye who thought he was the shit.

Anonymous said...

I loved the game super spike vollyball and sega that game was awesome. Excite bike was great because you could design your own track.


Mr. Ace said...

Instead of the poker night that Dut ruined, we should have a bi-weekly game night. Fuck Yes! This needs to happen.

Tony B. said...

One of my greatest achievements (in life, not just video games) was coming home from a bar smashed my senior year of college, openly challenging Mike Tyson and being him with a crowd of 12 people cheering me on. To this day, I have no idea how it was possible because that dude is tough to beat while sober.

Baseball Stars was a FANTASTIC game. I remember beating up on the Lovely Ladies to gain cash to increase my players' attributes. That's for including "Prestige" as one of the attributes. Like I need my players to become more cocky and money hungry.

Excitebike and RC Pro-Am were great games for Nintendo.

Tecmo Super Bowl was improved just on the basis that it had all the teams and NFLPA licensing.

I would actually like to see a nation-wide Goldeneye contest because everywhere you go, if that game gets brought up, someone will claim "they've never been beat" or something like that.

Drew said...

G$...This was a good idea for the blog...good memories.

I know you and Ace have been bitching about the lack of ideas due to it kind of sort of being "sports off-season". Just an idea to throw out...but, how about "crazy story day". I'm sure since some of you know each other, maybe the stories that would be shared would be rehashing some events...but, I bet the rest of us can share some fucked up shit. I'd say give a couple days advanced notice too so we can type these fuckers up and paste them into the comments. Or, let us e-mail them to you and you can post them one by one....taht might not be as fun for you though since you will get to read them first.

Anonymous said...

I've been beat in Goldeneye, Tony. Oh...I've been beat alright. It didn't happen often but a few times people have gotten the best of me. I would accept any challenge though.

I will say that I honestly have never see anyone beat my older brother Josh in Goldeneye. He was fuckin sick in that game. Groups of people would just sit and watch him plow through any opponent that was thrown at him. I thought Josh was autistic for about a 6 year period. He actually skipped class for 3 days straight so he could memorize all of the rebirth places on every Goldeneye level...then proceed to plant proximity mines at every single one of them. Die...reborn, instant death...reborn...instant death...reborn instant death. Can you see how much fun that was? I've also never seen anyone bank a grenade like he can. He is the Tim Duncan of Goldeneye.

GMoney said...

That's a pretty good idea, drew. Like fridays could be insane commenter story day or something. We'll have to work on that.

Anonymous said...

Been mentioned, but Ken Griffey Jr. baseball for Super Nintendo & 64 was great. My little brother & friends still bring up and brag about the ONE time I ever lost a game.

WCW/nWo Revenge for 64 was fun.

Fight Night boxing for PS2 was a well made game.


Anonymous said...

Hey G$ gonna be courtside for Pistons Heat tomorrow at the Palace. Any message you want me to forward onto LeBron for you?

Drew said...

Tell him he's been fucking amazing for my fantasy team the last couple of months and that I love him.

Also, tell Greg Monroe that I've been very impressed with him as a Piston as of late and he's the only interesting player on the team.

Anonymous said...

If you are looking for ideas for posts, I would just keep throwing out these rankings lists. You have a lot of versatility with food, sports venues, movies, masturbation methods (Ace), etc.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Nah, I've got nothing to say to him. I'm trying to move on now. You could tell jon kuester to stop molesting kids though.

Anonymous said...

I don't think that's possible G$. Pedophilia is in his blood.

Drew said...

If you consider the Cavs "kids" then Kuester is guilty as charged with that raping he did on them last night.

Anonymous said...

keep posting like this it’s really very good idea, you are awesome!