Wednesday, February 02, 2011

The Hump Day Dump: The WWE is Full of F-A-G's

(This is the face of Wrestling now. I bet he chugs Zima.)

What do you guys think about wrestling? IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT WRESTLING! We here at The Money Shot love us some old school wrestling. The new shit is just fucking lame, even lamer than Vince McMahon acting like his man-tits are real. Yeah, I said it, Vince has implants. For fuck's sake, a former MTV reality star is the Heavyweight Champion. Something is wrong. The showmanship just isn't the same. I don't need some over-juiced fag rapping over his intro. I need some suspense. I need some real drama. I need Mankind eating thumbtacks like skittles. I need some sweet chin music. I need the fucking latter match between Razor Ramon and HBK. And most importantly, I need a ring technician with the capacity to murder his family... RIP Chris Benoit.

But we all know what really makes a wrestler is his intro. The music. The attitude. The pyrotechnics. The potential chick with double D's by their side. When you hear the music you know what's about to go down. I'm taking a trip back down memory lane and talking about the greatest WWF intro's this world has ever seen.

Hulk Hogan. Sure, he married a man-whore and produced a talentless daughter and a horrible reality show, but Hulk will always be king in wrestling. I still do a Hulk Hogan pose and four consecutive 90 degree turns while cupping my ear every morning just so my day begins with the proper tone. Respect.

Ultimate Warrior. I don't even remember the song he came out to. I just remember him screaming down towards the squared circle and then shaking the shit out of the ropes. Roids were raging like a mofo.

Goldberg. I was never a fan of the WCW so I didn't watch Goldberg much. But there was something about the military drum beat in his theme music, his neck rolling and weird tongue movement, and his ruhtard grunts that got me jacked. But spearing somebody isn't a fucking finishing move. Wrap up! No wonder he couldn't make it in the NFL.

Stone Cold Steve Austin. Glass shattering? Check. Beer Drinking? Check. Multiple middle fingers? Check. Blaspheming the Bible? Check. I don't think any wrestler has ever been more popular than Stone Cold in his prime. The rattlesnake was, and still is, untouchable.

Diamond Dallas Page. Self high five? I fucking hated this ass hole. YOU CAN NEVER VOICE OVER NIRVANA! Worst. Intro. Ever. And he stole the stone cold stunner and renamed it the diamond cutter. What a tool.

The Godfather. Come get on the HOOOOOOOOOOOOO Train. This guy was the shit. He would just take over the ring surrounded by 20 prostitutes and I loved every bit of it. That was my first introduction to pimpin'.
Shawn Michaels. The Heart Break Kid. He makes it okay to pull out the leaning double bicep flex every time you walk into a room. Seriously, Michaels might be the greatest wrestler ever. He did it all for a long time. I would like to take this opportunity and congratulate him on becoming a member of the Hall of Fame in 2011. But without his sweet sweet theme song he's just another Val Venis...Hello, Ladies.

Dusty Rhodes. He's just a Common Man, working hard with his hands. He's just a common man, working hard for the man. Hey, he's The American Dream. Dusty Rhodes was fat as shit and wore a black wrestling singlet with yellow polkadots and the people loved him for it. He was also a brilliant tactitioner of the figure four leg lock, still the most devastating move known to man.

Rowdy Roddy Piper. What the fuck is it about bagpipes? They are awesome. They inspire me to do great things. Like get my face painted and go hunt Jews with Mel Gibson. Plus, I will never understand how he didn't get the nod for Best Actor in 1988 for his performance in "They Live". That man's got talent.

I actually forced myself to sit down and watch Monday Night Raw this past Monday and this is what came out of it. I would rather give blowies at the plugged nickel than put myself through another two hours of that TV abortion. Never again, jabronis.


Anonymous said...

No Undertaker?
I like Randy Ortons Intro back in the day.
Goldbergs was the shit

The Rock?

So many good ones

But I hardly watch wrestling much anymore.. It has gotten really lame. Why cant it be like it used too !


GMoney said...

I had a class with The Miz in college. He was an asshole. If I knew that he would grow up to win the strap, I would have tried to be his BFF.

I read somewhere recently that after years of living like The Nature Boy, Ric Flair is broke now and basically owes everyone money. So sad.

And Mr Perfect had the best entrance ever. It was so good that it killed him.

Drew said...

I was hoping for a national signing day blog, but I'll settle for a wrestling blog...pretty good topic.

I was never really into wrestling (probably because I wasn't raised by white trash parents), but it was obviously very hard to avoid. Especially with how chick wrestlers like Sable came onto the scene right around high school when hte hormones were raging. Nothing better than tuneing into some of those late night lingerie matches.

Irishman...Tatanka is a funny memory.

The only funny story I know about wrestling involves Ravishing Rick Rude. If you remember he used to always pick some woman out of the crowd....have her lay down on the mat and then kind of dance over her. Well, I had a buddy in high school named Fritz and Fritz told a story with no shame about how when he was in elementary school he went to a wrestling event with his family...and when Ravishing Rick Rude came out to wrestle Fritz started crying because he was worried that Rick Rude would pick his Mom to go onto stage and then his Dad would have to wrestle Rick Rude. I always liked that story.

Drew said...

G$....You had a class with the Miz? That's both awesome/hilarious. Was he a huge/loud dude in class?

I've heard Ric Flair is like a legend in North Carolina. Like he does advertisements for tons of shit in that state and everyone loves him there.

GMoney said...

Shit, that Fritz story is amazing. And he was right to be worried because Rick Rude was a real cooze hound.

Miz wasn't as loud as much as he was flirty. The class had 100 people or so in it and I think he wanted to bang every chick in it.

Signing Day doesn't matter until that Clowney kid chooses. There needs to be more RB/DE combos.

Ace said...

There were so many to include. Flair, LOD, Undertaker, Mankind...this list could have went on forever.

I don't care too much about NSD. I don't think there will be any surprises going for or against Michigan. I just want to see where Clowney goes. Hopefully it is somewhere that Michigan won't be playing in the next three years.

Wait, so The Miz took classes at Miami? What a horrible institution.

Anonymous said...

Ace didn't write about NSD because Michigan's class is on par with Toledo's..


Ace said...

We're in the Top 25 bitch! Pretty impressive considering the circumstances.

Drew said...

What was the name of that extremely fat sumo wrestler dude that was pretty famous? Something like Yokohana or something.

Ace said...

Yokozuna. Greatest athlete ever.

Drew said...

Ha....yes Yokozuna was his name. I wonder if there's any chance he's still alive.

GMoney said...

Yoko died a few years ago. I hate it when all of the awesome wrestlers die yet john cena continues to live. At least the honky tonk man is still breathing.

Sounds like my redhawks are putting together a strong class led by some qb named Kummer. I bet he watches a lot of porn or is peter north's kid.

Tony B. said...

Speaking of dead wrestlers, remember when Owen Hart broke his neck on a turnbuckle? I wonder whose bright idea it was to have him fly into the ring in a (horribly unstable) harness?

Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Jake The Snake could get added to this list. Also, I always thought The Bushwackers were hilarious.

GMoney said...

Ohio state recruited a child molester. Brilliant.