Wednesday, February 02, 2011
But we all know what really makes a wrestler is his intro. The music. The attitude. The pyrotechnics. The potential chick with double D's by their side. When you hear the music you know what's about to go down. I'm taking a trip back down memory lane and talking about the greatest WWF intro's this world has ever seen.
Hulk Hogan. Sure, he married a man-whore and produced a talentless daughter and a horrible reality show, but Hulk will always be king in wrestling. I still do a Hulk Hogan pose and four consecutive 90 degree turns while cupping my ear every morning just so my day begins with the proper tone. Respect.
Ultimate Warrior. I don't even remember the song he came out to. I just remember him screaming down towards the squared circle and then shaking the shit out of the ropes. Roids were raging like a mofo.
Goldberg. I was never a fan of the WCW so I didn't watch Goldberg much. But there was something about the military drum beat in his theme music, his neck rolling and weird tongue movement, and his ruhtard grunts that got me jacked. But spearing somebody isn't a fucking finishing move. Wrap up! No wonder he couldn't make it in the NFL.
Stone Cold Steve Austin. Glass shattering? Check. Beer Drinking? Check. Multiple middle fingers? Check. Blaspheming the Bible? Check. I don't think any wrestler has ever been more popular than Stone Cold in his prime. The rattlesnake was, and still is, untouchable.
Diamond Dallas Page. Self high five? I fucking hated this ass hole. YOU CAN NEVER VOICE OVER NIRVANA! Worst. Intro. Ever. And he stole the stone cold stunner and renamed it the diamond cutter. What a tool.
The Godfather. Come get on the HOOOOOOOOOOOOO Train. This guy was the shit. He would just take over the ring surrounded by 20 prostitutes and I loved every bit of it. That was my first introduction to pimpin'.
Shawn Michaels. The Heart Break Kid. He makes it okay to pull out the leaning double bicep flex every time you walk into a room. Seriously, Michaels might be the greatest wrestler ever. He did it all for a long time. I would like to take this opportunity and congratulate him on becoming a member of the Hall of Fame in 2011. But without his sweet sweet theme song he's just another Val Venis...Hello, Ladies.
Dusty Rhodes. He's just a Common Man, working hard with his hands. He's just a common man, working hard for the man. Hey, he's The American Dream. Dusty Rhodes was fat as shit and wore a black wrestling singlet with yellow polkadots and the people loved him for it. He was also a brilliant tactitioner of the figure four leg lock, still the most devastating move known to man.
Rowdy Roddy Piper. What the fuck is it about bagpipes? They are awesome. They inspire me to do great things. Like get my face painted and go hunt Jews with Mel Gibson. Plus, I will never understand how he didn't get the nod for Best Actor in 1988 for his performance in "They Live". That man's got talent.
I actually forced myself to sit down and watch Monday Night Raw this past Monday and this is what came out of it. I would rather give blowies at the plugged nickel than put myself through another two hours of that TV abortion. Never again, jabronis.