Wednesday, February 09, 2011

The Hump Day Dump: Juan Is The Lonliest Number

( guys are supposed to tackle the QB now?)

So the Eagles decided to part ways with Sean McDermott, I'm fine with that. Reid said that Jim Johnson's shadow was just too big for McDermott and I'm fine with that explanation....he's obviously no Jim Johnson. So when you dump a guy because he can't live up to what Jim Johnson left behind, you imagine a standout replacement who can stand on his own. Maybe Mike Singletary, maybe Jim Mora Jr., maybe go after a blitz happy college guy like Manny Diaz, hell, could have even got Jim Washburn to come on as DC instead of D line coach.

But no, that would be too simple. And Andy Reid doesn't do simple. Who else could possibly be more deserving of being an NFL DC than a guy who hasn't coached defense since 1989? The correct answer is anybody. Andy Reid's answer was JUAN CASTILLO, FUCKOS! My answer would have been:
  1. Brian Dawkins. I don't even care if he still plays in the NFL. He can call the plays from Denver, he is just that fucking spectacular.
  2. Teneal Goyco. First, he's a cruiserweight boxer. Second, he's a Philly native. But most importantly, he impersonated Tiger Woods while banging Devon James. He can run a dominant defense.
  3. Silvester Stallone. Rocky FTW!
But yeah, Juan Castillo is the DC in Philly. It doesn't make any sense, and it probably won't. But I do have some inside information on the matter.

Last year I did some work scoring assessment tests. You may remember this fantastic essay;
"I'm going to tell you about how I lost my virginity in middle school. I knew this girl named Pamela and I knew she wanted me. We were walking home from school one day and she took me into this abandoned house and I fucked her from behind. When we got in the house, she took off my pants and started sucking my dick. I took her pants off and she told to eat her puss. I said, "Naw, I'm straight." I told her to keep on sucking. After that she started riding my dick real hard. So I pulled out and nutted all over that bitches face. I'm king ding-a-ling. That's all I've got to say. Fuck it, two tears in a bucket."
So during the time I was scoring masterpieces like the one you just read, I had a horrible supervisor. She was extremely cuntish. She thought she was better than everyone. She had no clue how to communicate with people. She clearly hated being in Columbus...she was from San Antonio. She hated me because I didn't listen to her because I knew she couldn't fire me and needed me to complete the project.

But one day that all changed. I went in on a Saturday morning to pick up some OT, and to show just how much I cared I decided to wear my Brian Dawkins Eagles jersey. You know, class it up a bit. She sees my choice of apparel and motions me back to her desk. I was totally ready to be a dick and get fired.
Cuntish Woman: You're an Eagles fan?
Me: Yes.
CW: My brother-in-law works for the Eagles.
Me: That's cool.
CW: Yeah, he is a coach. Juan Castillo. Do you know who that is?

Do you see what is happening? That bitch had such a hatred for my shitty work ethic that she poisoned Jim Johnson, got Sean McDermott fired, and then blew Andy Reid to get Juan Castillo hired as Defensive Coordinator. I know she is back in San Antonio thinking fuck that guy and his Brian Dawkins jersey! Well done, Andy.

Douche Lord of the Week. I have an idea, possibly the most incredible idea ever. If you take a look at the site banner--THE GREAT SITE BANNER--you will notice the center piece, Fuckeye Terrorist. He's the most horrible person in the world, and likely the antichrist. There are times when I envision our commentariate members in the same way. And today, I need some synthesis. Every week I will pick the person who kills the most brain cells in the comments...or whoever the fuck I want. That person's face will become the face of the Fuckeye Terrorist and we can all laugh. If I can't find a picture of you, I will pick one that I think resembles your lack of intelligence the best and tell everyone it is your actual picture. This way there is consequence and justice among the commentariate. We are all winners in this.


Grumpy said...

That has to be the most rambling, non-coherent post in the history of blogging.

Drew said...

Worst. Topic. Ever.

GMoney said...

Let the haters hate. Fuck it, two tears in a bucket.

I heard that chipotle is getting hammered by the govt for hiring illegals so your gilbert fonseca coach will be back in guadalajara in no time.

Mr. Ace said...

Gilbert Fonseca for the win!

This is the worst DC hire....since Michigan hired Greg Robinson. Seriously, nothing compares to this. Not even Zorn.

Grump, I'm glad to see you have nominated yourself for DL of the week. You were actually Dustins first pick.

Drew said...

I do still love the term "douche lord".

G$....Your Cavs have a great shot of ending the streak tonight against the Pistons, with teh Pistons playing a game last night too. I sure as hell hope we aren't the ones to break the streak.

Anonymous said...

Looks like Drew and Grumpy are the first candidates for the banner!

Ace- if you need help finding a picture of Grumpy let me know. We became facebook friends a few weeks ago! I am disappointed that he is not nearly as old as G$ made him out to be.

You need to understand your target audience. Nobody cares about the Eagles, so we're sure as shit not going to care about some assistant coach who just got hired. I give this post a 2/10. I would rather hear you whine about the refs in the OSU Mich game.


GMoney said...

You guys miss the point. Now we can spend the whole day making dumb mexican jokes.

The cavs win tonight! But I will be focused on the dominating force known as the CBJ against the sharks.

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to get into the CBJ and I watched some of the game last night. I don't understand the game enough, so I'm wondering why everyone is getting jazzed after a 2 and now 3 game winning streak. They beat the worst team in their conference, an uninspired Redwings team, and Shittsburgh who was without their two best players. Is there another reason everyone has all of a sudden gotten all excited?

Also, for you Columbus folk, I just realized last Friday that Lodge Bar is closed. What the hell happened? Every time I was there the place seemed packed. Although I prefer the late nightdance floor at Callahans and some other classy establishments, I still liked going there on occasion.


Mr. Ace said...

Target audience? You queers still think we do this for you?

Speaking of Mexican jokes...Mike Wodarski aka Medium Fat. I don't know if he is actually mexican, but he's definitely a joke.

Drew said...

Dut...I just had a long post written about the hockey, but the page couldn't load when I hit send. Short version...their scores are indicative of how they played earlier in the season when they were hot and that means strong forechecking and tight Defense.....which is supposedly what Arniel wants to play. Definitely need more than two or three games though.

I had no idea Lodge Bar closed. We should start our own bar.

G$...What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

I don't know either, but it would be pretty good at picking lettuce.

GMoney said...

Wasn't there a frank wodarski, too? That family definitely had beans in their blood.

The jackets just need to keep getting two points. It doesn't matter what is wrong with their opponents. They still went into pitt and dominated a proud team, same with the wings. There is definitely a better feel and look about this team under arniel.

The Iceman said...

One of the best Gilbert Fonseca references I've ever seen. Period.

What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook?

"Steal a chicken"

GMoney said...

Let's all give a big hand to The Wig Master who just became a dad. Well done, sir.

Mr. Ace said...

I think there was a Brian Wodarski too...he used to punk out Dut on a daily basis after school until G-Bok put an end to it.

I'm in on starting the money shot bar.

Mr. Ace said...

As to WM...that should throw the sent off the gay trail. I Keeed. Congrats.

Anonymous said...

Gilbert Fonseca.. What a classy individual. I will never forget him in my study hall with Mrs Cameron standing behind her pretending to blast her with a machine gun for about 5 minutes.

Brian wodarski was nicknamed Little Fat. And he did punk me. While driving down West Clinton to go pick up a pizza, I screamed "FFFAAAAGGGG" out the window at him. We all thought it was pretty harmless/hilarious. When we got back to Dan's house, he was standing there as I opened the door with a crazy look on his face. I, of course, denied saying anything like any smart person would do. Why would I want to fight someone twice my size who has nothing to lose?