Friday, February 04, 2011

Gingivitis Vs. Heart Disease...The Prediction

I've been breaking down the Super Bowl in my own unique way since this blog's creation. This is the 4th year that I've instituted my 15-prong attack to figure how Sunday's game will shake out. Four years ago, I successully predicted a Colts win and cover. In 2008, the numbers favored the Patriots but without covering. In year 3, it had the Steelers by 14. Last year, we called for a Saints upset victory.  So to sum up, the system is nailing the winner and the spread winner at a 75% clip. And I expect more winning this year. As a reminder, I don't know how this breakdown will go until I finish it. Personally, I have no feel on who is going to win this one, but we need to process everything and see what the system says. I kind of like Green Bay but how in the hell do you bet against Big Ben and the Steelers?  I will be rooting for the Packers though because a crying Steelers fan would be better than a Packers fan showing tears of gravy.  But enough about what I think, let's analyze this thing:

QB: Hmmm, neither team would be here if not for excellent and timely play by their quarterbacks.  Big Ben is one of the best winners in NFL history.  But with a Packers win, we may finally get Colin Cowherd to admit that he's wrong (and racist from his remarks about John Wall).  When in doubt, give the check to the QB that didn't get suspended this year for embarrassing the league.  Packers +2

RB: Neither of these teams is known for their running game.  I think that I'm one of the few people on the planet that knew who Jimmy Starks was before the playoffs and that's only because I follow the MAC.  Mendenhall is good but not great.  This comes down to who I trust more in short yardage situations and I like John KUUUUUUUUUUUUHN a lot more than I do Ike Redman.  Packers +2

WR/TE:  Check out the similarities here...Wallace and Jennings are a push.  Hines Ward and Driver are the exact same old and slow overrated receiver.  Is there any difference between Butterfingers Jones/Jordache Nelson and Sanders/Brown?  I don't think so.  So the tight end breaks the tie and I like Heath Miller a hell of a lot more than I do Quarless and Miami University's own Tom Crabtree.  Although Steelers fans yelling "HEEEEATH" is beyond gay.  You only do that with guys like Kuhn and Cooley who have to the "ooooooo" in their name.  Fucking tards.  Steelers +3

OL:  Maurkice Pouncey seems to think that he will play (he won't) which goes against what "Doctor" Chris Kemoeatu reported.  But that still doesn't make up for Flozell Adams (you may be getting tired of me harping on this, but I can never say it enough that that guy sucks).  The Packers line seemed to enjoy watching Rodgers get his brains scrambled early on but have really cleaned things up recently.  Packers +4

DL:  For as much as I loved BJ Raji's endzone celebration/extreme baby fat, nothing can touch Brett Keisel's Paul Bunyan beard.  That guy should be the new spokesman for Bounty paper towels.  Steelers +3

LB:  This is the strength of both teams.  For as much as I dislike Harrison, the guy is an animal and he and Woodley are unblockable off the edges.  Matthews and Hawk have played really well this season, too.  If I was racist, I would give the points to the Packers, but I'm not.  I just like to make jokes.  Steelers +2

DB:  I will never forgive Ike Taylor for embarrassing mankind when he announced "Ike Taylor...Swaggin'" instead of saying his college during the last Super Bowl they were in.  What a fuck.  Polamalu is sick and all, but the Packers secondary is outstanding.  Three excellent cover corners that can also blitz is more than just a wet dream for Dom Capers.  Packers +1

K/P:  Shaun Suisham is the worst kicker in NFL history.  I don't even know the names of the punters.  Packers +5

Return Game:  For some strange reason, James Starks returns kickoffs for the Packers.  Would Wayne Fontes have ever put Barry Sanders back there?  I'm not saying that Barry and Jimmy are comparable, but it's just odd to see a starting HB catching kicks.  The Steelers have been known for shoddy kickoff coverage and Antwaan Randle El was a horrible punt returner four years ago.  I doubt that he's gotten better.  Packers +2

Coach:  The track record for fat guys winning the Super Bowl isn't very good.  I think you have to go all the way back to Parcells.  I would like Tomlin more if he shaved off that stupid beard and admitted that replacing Wesley Snipes in Major League 2 was a bad decision.  Steelers +4

City:  Whichever publication it is that ranks the most liveable cities in America continues to show much love for Pittsburgh.  I don't know why.  But it is probably better than "Milwaukee's taint".  Steelers +3

Fans:  Holy shit, I'm not going into this again.  Steelers fans need to be ethnically cleansed.  Packers +4

Celebrity Fans: Pittsburgh - Christina Aguilera, Julie Benz, CHARLES BRONSON, Frank "The Riddler" Gorshin, Michael Keaton, Bret Michaels, and Kurt Angle
Green Bay - Larry The Cable Guy, Jessica Biel, Tony Shalhoub, Chris Farley, the guy that was Mr. Miyagi
Steelers +3 just because of Bronson

Organization: The Rooneys are apparently the blueprint for how a franchise is to be run.  Fuck them and their ability to refrain from giving Deion Sanders 50 million dollars.  The Packers are owned by the fans which is strange.  The Steelers made it a rule to give coaching interviews to token black guys.  Whatever.  Fans are stupid.  Steelers +2

Against The Spread: Green Bay went 11-8 ATS this year and has covered in their last 4 games.  Pittsburgh went 12-6.  That's pretty damn good considering that they were favored by more than a field goal in a majority of their games this season. Steelers +1

Add it up, bitch...(The lines that we're going on are Green Bay -2.5 and the O/U of 44.5)

Well, well, well, "the system" has the Pittsburgh Steelers beating the Green Bay Packers 21-20 (so I'll take the points and go with the under).  That is sort of the way I'm leaning anyway but...wait a minute...I have to go to a wedding in Bowling Green tomorrow night which means that my Super Bowl Sunday will feature over 2 hours of drive time.  The groom is a Steelers fan.  I can't allow this to happen.  FUCK YOU FOR GETTING MARRIED ON SUPER BOWL WEEKEND.  You deserve to be punished for this.  I'll give the Packers a field goal out of spite and the win.  Green Bay 23, Pittsburgh 21 (sticking with the under and the Steelers with the points).  Aaron Rodgers wins the MVP.  I would love to see Suisham go all Scott Norwood and then kill himself.  That would really give me an erection.

As far as our playoff contest goes, this is how it looks:
13-7: mdrgolf--went 4-0 two weeks ago!
12-8: Drew, Tony B
11-9: Jeff, Andrew
10-10: Naptown Wolverine, Grumpy, Iceman
7-13: Mr. Ace
6-14:  G$, Dut
--make an MVP prediction, too, just in case there is a tie.

My menu appears to be a BBQ chicken pizza and probably some sort of buffalo chicken dip.  I'm sure that it will produce some excellent toilet explosions at the office come Monday morning.  And finally, last year I live-blogged the Super Bowl and it went over fairly well.  Anybody interested in that happening again?  I don't think that I will but I suppose if there is demand, I can.  Enjoy the last football game until God knows when.  GO PACK GO!!!


Anonymous said...

Im taknig the packers and the over. The MVP will be Charles woodson, with an INT and a punt return for a touchdown. This is pretty much the only award that he has never received. That's why he gets it and finishs one of the best careers in all of football.


Drew said...

Who the fuck is "mdrgolf" or whatever the hell that name in first place is? Get that fucker out of here unless he posts under some other name. I can handle Tony B. winning though...he seems like good peeps.

You forgot that for some wildly unknown reason, Lil' Wayne is a celebrity fan of the Packers. I think it would be humorous to watch him go to some Packer bar in Green Bay before a game. They would probably look at him like he's an alien.


Polamalu MVP

Grumpy said...

I like John KUUUUUUUUUUUUHN a lot more than I do Ike Redman. Packers +2.

This one quote proves you know nothing about football. Kuhn couldn't make it off the Steelers practice squad. Redman is a beast on 3rd and short, an area where the Steelers struggled after the Bus retired.

Anonymous said...

Don't overANALyze this game.........

Packers lost to the frickin Redskins!!! 'nuff said.

Steelers will win the game and Big Ben will have his 3rd ring!!!

GMoney said...

Good time at the ohio state/um game last night sitting two rows behind the buckeye bench. Sullinger has the biggest ass I've seen since rick mahorn and that is a compliment. I sort of snubbed gordon gee when he said hello to us. It was great. We got there late so I missed the two possessions where diebler was apparently not a waste of life. He was invisible for the last 35 minutes. Good for him. Evan Smotrycz is the worst basketball player that I've ever seen.

And finally, deshaun thomas looks like Mac from Night Court.

GMoney said...

And did I read that right? Is someone who has been a steelers fan since 2003 trying to argue the merits of short yardage backs? Kuhn scored four times this year and redman never scored. I rest on your face. No one would ever hire you as a GM.

GMoney said...

And did I read that right? Is someone who has been a steelers fan since 2003 trying to argue the merits of short yardage backs? Kuhn scored four times this year and redman never scored. I rest on your face. No one would ever hire you as a GM.

Grumpy said...

Kuhn 84 carries; 281 yds; 3.3 avg.
Redman 52 carries; 247 yds; 4.8 avg.

Anonymous said...

Grump- if KUUUHNN ever got anything but goalline carries he'd average 10 YPC. You can't use YPC for short yardage backs. In Chris Carter's annoying voice.. C'mooon man!

Packers and over

Money in the bank.


Tony B. said...

Thanks Drew- I may seem cool, but I'm actually an asshole like everyone else who comments here. For the record, you seem solid as well. Enough of this homo-erotic lovefest, let's get to the picks:

Big Ben MVP

It goes against my genetic code to pick the Packers in a Super Bowl. Plus, I learned in the college picks not to change my picks just to avoid a tie.

Speaking of which, we should combine the college and NFL picks and see who has the best record...

Tony B. said...

Oh, and Julie Benz looks better when she is just a picture and not hassling Dexter about being out all night. The silence improves her look quite a bit.

Jeff said...


I'll stay with my trend of picking against the steelers on here so they win

We raping er'body out here!!!

Piano man mvp

Upstate Underdog said...

Packers and the over

Drew said...

G$...Who is mdrgolf? Is he just some made up character that you put at the top of the standings so that either Tony and I can't win?

Anonymous said...

There's definitely something suspicious about mdrgolf. We want answers dammit! I want the truth!

Can I make up another fake character so that I don't get dead last?


Anonymous said...

And I don't know how we forgot to discuss this, but did anyone else think Jersey Shore sucked balls last night? I'm looking forward to Sammie leaving so Ronnie is on the loose.


GMoney said...

I don't know who mdrgolf is but he is legit. Just look at the past picks. Could it be short for MDashRexterribleatgolf?

Karma looks like the worst place in the world.

Tony B. said...

Vinny and Pauly stole the show in the middle when they invited the Jewish girl back to their place to make stalker jokes.

I agree that Sammi ruined the rest of the episode. "Tell me what did I do?!?" You are doing, right now, what you did and continue to do- and that is ask about what you did. It's annoying, old news, and she's got to go.

Drew said...

None of you cum stains told me what site you use to bet on sports these days yesterday. Is that because none of you have actually won and tried to get your winnings?

GMoney said...

Betus, drew. They once advertised here so you know they are legit! But I've had no problems with them and the sit is easy to navigate.

Anonymous said...

Sportsbook is good as well.. As long as you use me as a reference! Ask G$ for my email. I don't want to post it here.


Shook's Son said...

Big Ben once tried to tear off my pants and suck my cock, but I refused and fucked him in the ass.

Iceman said...

Packers - Over

Woodson MVP

Anonymous said...

pack over