|What a stupid stipulation.|
12. Jim Schwartz FTW - I look forward to many more years of his lapsed sanity.
11. Randy Moss sucks thrice - He's a first ballot hall of famer who got traded twice during the season. And he was awful everywhere. At least he has his NASCAR Truck Series team to fall back on.
10. The NFC West weighed 8 Courics - For as bad as they were this year, I see a bright future. Good coaches now who will be solving that pesky "no franchise quarterback" problem that has plagued the division.
9. The triumphant return of the badass white running back - Peyton Hillis and Danny Woodhead breaking down racial barriers. Jackie Robinson was not a hero like these two are!
8. The Redskins' flawless handling of Donovan McNabb and Albert Haynesworth - I've said enough about this team. Just get rid of these two (and about 40 others) and start building the team the right way. I would rather have modern furniture playing DT for my team than Haynesworth (plug necessary for commenter Andrew's sake).
7. Jay Cutler's Knee/Vagina - No one likes Jay Cutler. Any time that you can call him a little bitch is fun.
6. Rex Ryan's lust for metatarsals and pretty much everything the Jets did this year - God bless the Jets. Love them or hate them, they have about a million interesting side stories on that roster.
5. The glorious demise of Brett Lorenzo - You suck, Favre. Terrible play and cellphone cock shots that didn't get him laid by a huge whore...way to go out on top!
4. Big Ben tries to rebuild his image - He's never going to be liked so the only thing that he can do is win. He's never going to be respected as a person so he should focus on earning respect as a football player. He did both pretty well this season.
3. The Super Bowl continues to go through Oxford, OH - The last three Super Bowl champions have all had connections with Miami University (Ben, coaches Sean Payton-Aaron Kromer-Dan Dalrymple, and Tom Crabtree). I expect the trend to continue because that is where champions are groomed. I'm calling it now for everyone to see: next year we see John Harbaugh and Jacob Bell duel for Lombardi. That's right, I'm picking a RAVENS/RAMS SUPER BOWL!!!
2. Aaron Rodgers joins the club - It's been a pretty storybook ending ever since the Lions scrambled his head in week 15. I'm sure that now that he's won one, everyone will turn on him now but I respect a man who carries around a title belt. I even liked Sheed when he did it.
1. Michael Vick begins the redemption process by entertaining everyone - NO ONE saw that coming. Much like Ben, white people are never going to like Vick as a person. But goddamn, I will watch him every fucking week until he loses his wheels. He is just so much fun to watch and I'm glad he's back. I will never ever forget that MNF game in Washington for as long as I live.
And now we are done. I'll tell you what, they better solve their bullshit. No one likes hearing millionaires and billionaires whine about profits and health care. That shit is ghey. But I vow to push onward. I will proclaim it now loud and clear for everyone to hear: THE G$FL WILL STILL BE DRAFTING IN LATE AUGUST REGARDLESS IF AN AGREEMENT IS REACHED. Fuck them. Fantasy Football waits for no one. Now let's all walk together into the black abyss which is a football-free sports landscape. It's going to be scary but we'll be hearing Schwartz scream again in no time.