Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Defeating the 2010 NFL Season In A Buried Alive Match

What a stupid stipulation.
OK, this is it.  This will be the final post about the now completed NFL season.  It was a great one as you will see.  There seemed to be an endless supply of topics surfacing almost daily as you will see.  The NFL continues to be a lightning rod for horrible behavior and shoddy decision-making as you will see, too.  Basically, we all love it and it's time to wrap up this fine season as we head into an offseason of stupid labor arguments and Roger Goodell lies.  I was able to come up with 12 huge stories from the season that made it awesome and/or hilarious.  Allow me to put the final nail into the coffin of the NFL with a list of what made 2010 so memorable...
12. Jim Schwartz FTW - I look forward to many more years of his lapsed sanity.

11. Randy Moss sucks thrice - He's a first ballot hall of famer who got traded twice during the season.  And he was awful everywhere.  At least he has his NASCAR Truck Series team to fall back on.

10. The NFC West weighed 8 Courics - For as bad as they were this year, I see a bright future.  Good coaches now who will be solving that pesky "no franchise quarterback" problem that has plagued the division. 

9. The triumphant return of the badass white running back - Peyton Hillis and Danny Woodhead breaking down racial barriers.  Jackie Robinson was not a hero like these two are!

8. The Redskins' flawless handling of Donovan McNabb and Albert Haynesworth - I've said enough about this team.  Just get rid of these two (and about 40 others) and start building the team the right way.  I would rather have modern furniture playing DT for my team than Haynesworth (plug necessary for commenter Andrew's sake).

7. Jay Cutler's Knee/Vagina - No one likes Jay Cutler.  Any time that you can call him a little bitch is fun. 

6. Rex Ryan's lust for metatarsals and pretty much everything the Jets did this year - God bless the Jets.  Love them or hate them, they have about a million interesting side stories on that roster.

5. The glorious demise of Brett Lorenzo - You suck, Favre.  Terrible play and cellphone cock shots that didn't get him laid by a huge whore...way to go out on top!

4. Big Ben tries to rebuild his image - He's never going to be liked so the only thing that he can do is win.  He's never going to be respected as a person so he should focus on earning respect as a football player.  He did both pretty well this season.

3. The Super Bowl continues to go through Oxford, OH - The last three Super Bowl champions have all had connections with Miami University (Ben, coaches Sean Payton-Aaron Kromer-Dan Dalrymple, and Tom Crabtree).  I expect the trend to continue because that is where champions are groomed.  I'm calling it now for everyone to see:  next year we see John Harbaugh and Jacob Bell duel for Lombardi.  That's right, I'm picking a RAVENS/RAMS SUPER BOWL!!!

2. Aaron Rodgers joins the club - It's been a pretty storybook ending ever since the Lions scrambled his head in week 15.  I'm sure that now that he's won one, everyone will turn on him now but I respect a man who carries around a title belt.  I even liked Sheed when he did it.

1. Michael Vick begins the redemption process by entertaining everyone - NO ONE saw that coming.  Much like Ben, white people are never going to like Vick as a person.  But goddamn, I will watch him every fucking week until he loses his wheels.  He is just so much fun to watch and I'm glad he's back.  I will never ever forget that MNF game in Washington for as long as I live.

And now we are done.  I'll tell you what, they better solve their bullshit.  No one likes hearing millionaires and billionaires whine about profits and health care.  That shit is ghey.  But I vow to push onward.  I will proclaim it now loud and clear for everyone to hear:  THE G$FL WILL STILL BE DRAFTING IN LATE AUGUST REGARDLESS IF AN AGREEMENT IS REACHED.  Fuck them.  Fantasy Football waits for no one.  Now let's all walk together into the black abyss which is a football-free sports landscape.  It's going to be scary but we'll be hearing Schwartz scream again in no time.


Grumpy said...

Too much money not to settle it. I'd like to hear your commenters thoughts on the proposed expansion to 18 games.

Drew said...

You should have included the reincarnation of Reggie White in SUH on this list. He was absurdly good for a rookie.

Grump..I don't give a fuck if it's 16 games, 17 games or 18 games. I'm not the one playing...those neandrathals are.

The Iceman said...

Gotta side with Drew on this...Suh needs to mentioned if nothing more than for his two hand back shove on Jay Cutler where it appeared Suh was trying to snap Cutler's neck in 37 different places. And when was the last time the Lions had a player where the every fan said, "I think I'm gonna watch the Lions today and see what (insert player here) is up to." Megatron didn't quite have that pull but I think Suh did in his rookie year. Shit, he sucked me in. How many more did he get?

18 games is dumb. More games = more injuries and more injuries means guys like Julius Jones start at the end of the season. No one ever clamors for more Julius Jones.

Anonymous said...

I think 18 games would be too many. Half of the teams are out of contention after 13 or 14 games so there would be a lot of meaningless football. Normally I can't wait for the NFL draft after week 5, so adding 2 weeks to my misery would be brutal. Vote NO for 18 games!

The rise of Peyton Hillis and Colt McCoy are they key storylines of 2010. White power!


GMoney said...

Schwartz > Suh

I don't like the idea of 18 games for the same reasons mentioned. That and the players and fans agree that they don't want it. If the players don't want to play two more games then why would I want to watch that?

Goodell sucks.

Mr. Ace said...

I'm all for making the regular season 20 weeks long if the compensation is right. That would add an extra bye week as well. The current salaries have to be pro-rated to 18 games, the money needs to be redistributed from rookies to veterans--which it will, and retired players need to be taken care of. The teams would also have to extend their active roster by a few players to accommodate the potential for more injuries.

But I think it would be fantastic if the NFL ran all the way up until March Madness.

Vick for MVP.

Mr. Ace said...

Totally unrelated, but if you go to http://walkoffwalk.com/ you will see that they totally stole my fucking banner idea and used it in a post. I don't know these people, but I will smash their testicles with a mallet if I ever meet them. Fuck them.

Anonymous said...

I personally think the NFL season is long enough. For Christ's sake, we are over 2/3 through the NCAA Basketball regular season and the NFL season just ended. Granted, it would be nice to have football until March madness, but I think part of what makes the NFL and College football so great is that there are not a ton of games. That makes each game that much more meaningful and watchable.

-Lil' Strut

The Iceman said...

The Schwartz/Suh dilemma rages on. Do we know if Schwartzy had those faces before or after Suh? Because if you think about it, when did we really get the Schwartz face coupled with the profanity laced tirades? When Suh started getting nailed for unexplainable personal foul penalties. Who is really responsible for Jim Schwartz awesomeness? Schwartz or Suh?

Anonymous said...

Ace- I don't see how they stole your idea. Even if they did, it is 100x better than yours!


Mr. Ace said...

Dut, if you don't take that back I swear on your mothers glorious resurrected melons that your face will be on the site banner.

GMoney said...

Hmmmm the Lions have their own version of the chicken or the egg. The answer is easy though: Wayne Fontes.

I can now confirm that Andrew is a real person from the heartland.

Anonymous said...

Ace- so I would be the face of this website? Ill take it!

Mr. Ace said...

Done and done.

Drew said...

G$...I just want to know what state Andrew lives in. I will judge him purely on that.

GMoney said...

Here's a hint:

Omaha, NE which makes me think that he may know Suh or Tommy Lee.

Drew said...

A.) That's cool that he may know Suh.

B.) He better show his fucking face around here if he's a Cornhusker, because he's part of the B1G now and it's terrible discussing college football with fans of terrible programs like Michigan.