Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Back To Sports...What'd We Miss?

The Crock was bakin'.  BROTHA WAS BAKIN'!
Well, it's been awhile, but I think that it's finally time to get back to talking about athletic competition.  Or as I like to call it, "sports".  We took a nice post-Super Bowl breather but it's time to put our jocks back on and be men again.  So what did we miss?  Not a whole hell of a lot, but there were some stories that I'd like to offer up at least some sort of opinion on.  I may even make a dead guy joke or two!  Just like the old days!
*If you want me to watch pro wrestling again, this was a damn good start. The Rock came back to the WWE last Monday night and blew the roof of the place just like he used to.  I caught most of it live and then watched it again online the next day.  It is still tremendous.  My favorite part was when he called John Cena a fag.  John Cena is a total fag.  The Tooth Fairy would kill The Marine ten times out of ten.  Horrible movies aside, The Rock is still the shit.

*That guy that you never heard of didn't break the record in a sport that you don't follow.  Florida Something University 2B Garrett Wittels failed at his bid to pass Rockin' Robin Ventura's college hitting streak record this week.  It's probably for the best since I think that Wittels is still facing rape charges in the Bahamas.  At least when Ventura embarrassed himself and ruined his reputation, he did it between the lines, dammit!  Yeah, good luck with that international rape case there, slugger.

*The scariest thing on the planet may just be the brain of a retired NFL player.  Dave Duerson of Tecmo Bowl/Bears fame killed himself recently.  He donated his brain to some scientists and their study.  I've read a little bit into this and it sounds terrifying regarding what they find in these things once they are donated.  I'd bet that if Trent Green did this, it would just be a black blob of wet toilet paper.  And this just goes to show that some people are willing to sacrifice everything (including their future mental health) to play football...yet Albert Haynesworth refuses to play in a 3-4 defense, punches motorists, and then squeezes the titty of an unsuspecting waitress all within a few months.  USA!  USA!

*Will the Knicks just complete this fucking trade already?  Is anyone not sick of this Carmelo bullshit?  In fact, this is all that I'm going to say about it.  Stop wasting everybody's time.  Knicks, Nets, Nuggets, who gives a shit?  It's not like he's going to win a title anyway.  And those teams are still going to be non-contenders even with his no-defense-playing ass.

*The Iron Bowl just got Mother Motherfuckin' Nature involved.  Awesome.  Alabama-tard hates Auburn so much that he went all chemistry and biological terrorist on their asses.  Killing trees because you hate your rival = outstanding.  This guy alone just made the Iron Bowl my favorite rivalry in college football.  Amani Toomer wasn't good enough to have a corner named after him either!

*Where "scoring 8 points on the losing team gets you an MVP award" happens.  At least it does for that Bieber kid.  I tried to watch at least a little bit of the celebrity game on Friday night (I'm a sucker for celebrities playing sports poorly) but I couldn't make it past the Michael Rappaport/Jon Barry training montage which was even worse than you could possibly imagine.  Blake Griffin won the dunk contest eventhough McGee and Ibaka should have been in the finals instead of him.  Since the ASG weekend is totally played out, I impose some new contests for the all-stars:  Name that Kool-Aid flavor, Who will bang the fattest groupie (if the Star Jones rumors are true then put your money on Dwyane Wade), Who has the most traces of drugs in their urine (trick question as it's Chris Andersen), and, of course, a Spelling Bee.  I did not watch one second of the All Star game out of spite because Ryan Hollins got HOSED!!!

*Since when was it wrong to spit on grass?  Tiger got fined for spitting on the green in Dubai and the announcers went crazy on him because it could effect the players behind him.  WTF?  Spit?  Really?  That shit dries in like 20 seconds unless it is especially snotty.  Golf etiquette people are fags.  Shut up, fags.

*It was nice to see Rainier Wolfcastle win the Super Bowl of Racin'.  Oh, it wasn't McBain?  It was some goober named Trevor Bayne, eh.  Whatever, I watched the end and no one died.  What a tribute to his daddy it would have been for Dale to kill himself exactly ten years later.  I was disappointed.  Where was Hornish?  Did they kick him out already for being too bad? 

It's good to be talking sports again.  Did you hear the breaking news?  Carmelo Anthony would like to be traded.  And the people of Denver now hate him which is hilarious!  ZOMG!!!!!!

16 comments:

Grumpy said...

Congratulations. You've reached new heights in mail-in posts. Did you just copy that word for word off the AP wire?

GMoney said...

Did these ap reports say fag four times? Did they make light of trent green's head or tiger spitting while you swallow? I think not.

UPDATE! Timofey Mozgov is heading to Denver!!! The knicks are still going to be mediocre.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, you copy-pasted an AP article on electric cars...

The Knicks could get LeBron and Wade and they still couldn't beat the Spurs.

I fucking love The Rock.

Drew said...

I enjoyed this post and I was interested in your opinion of the Alabama guy. Have you listened to his phone call into the Finebaum show? It's amazing. "Roll Damn Tide!". What a pyscho path.

Speaking of psychopaths...One thing you didn't mention...how about your boy Steinbrenner Jr. taking a shot at Jeter to the media yesterday with his "players were too busy building mansions to concentrate last year" comment.

I watched the YouTubes of the Rock from the other night...good stuff.

GMoney said...

Hank is a fucking idiot. Everyone knew this already. Yet he no issue giving jeter 50mill this winter. Genius.

The Iceman said...

The WWE has definitely roped me back in. I will be forced to start watching Monday Night Raw so I can once again, watch the People's Champ layeth the smacketh down on some jabronis. Where does this rank for most polorizing/best at their profession/most popular player leaving in their prime then coming back for one last shot at glory? Would you put this in the top 5? Subquestion...did you hear that crown erupt when his music started up? I know The Rock is a professional and all, but how was that dude not cheesin his ass off after hearing all those fans exploding when he walked out?

GMoney said...

I get the same reaction everyday when I walk into work. It never gets old.

Drew said...

Have they said what type of role The Rock is even going to have? Is he actually back full time? Or, is this just some shit where I'll show up occasionally on Raw and talk shit to Cena to try and generate PPV buys for Wrestlemania and then go away?

Grumpy said...

Hey Ace, I've searched the AP and can't find the article I supposedly copied and pasted. Full of shit again.

Anonymous said...

I was wondering if anyone else in the world watched the Michael Rappaport/Jon Barry training video. That was F'n pathetic. Why is Michael Rappaport famous? He is not funny, and has 0 qualities of a celebrity.

I've been tuning out ESPN radio/tv (except pti on dvr) lately because they have absolutely nothing to talk about. I can only hear so many damn Carmello trade rumors. I can't wait for the NBA to go on strike and never come back. Same goes with Mr. Ace.

Dut

GMoney said...

I didn't even understand why rappaport was doing a vid. Was it supposed to be like the beach gay scene from rocky III? Jon Barry can get fucked. Tony Parker can fuck his wife too.

Drew, I assume sine this is the wwe that this is just a stunt for ppv buys. Although I hear the the undertaker and hhh came back...man, they are pulling out all the stops on the road to Mania.

Tony B. said...

Now if only Stone Cold would come back to drop a few Stunners on the bitch-ass wrestlers like "Some Scottish Guy" or "That Dude From Real World." Then he can drink a few beers and go back to trying to get the "Condemned 2" made or whatever else he might do in his free time.

Just because Michael Rappaport used to participate in Rock N Jock basketball games, does not mean he is still a famous enough celebrity to participate in NBA All Star Weekend- let alone get his own montage. Would it have been funnier if it was Dan Cortese and Bill Bellamy?

Mr. Ace said...

I still love you Grump. No hard feelings.

GMoney said...

There most definitely will be tomorrow...

The Iceman said...

The Rock claims that he's back forever, so we'll see what happens. I don't know what I would do if Austin 3:16 came out, stunned some bitches, then polished off a 6 pack of Steveweisers.

Mr. Ace said...

Goddamn, that is brilliant.