Monday, February 21, 2011

The 2011 Commenter Draft

Man, I miss the NFL already. And regardless of how the stupid ass labor situation shakes out, we still have to wait forever for football to come back. That sucks. Hell, even the Draft is still two months away. But what if I could come up with a way to bring the draft to you right now? Would you be interested in that? Of course you would. Everyone loves a good draft. The unpredictability, the stupidity, Mel Kiper's pubic let's get the first, and probably only, Money Shot Commenter Draft going.

The rules are simple. Two amazing franchises: The Aceholes and The GMonstrual Cramps will choose teams of 5 Money Shot commenters apiece. For what? Nothing. Why? Because I said so. What is the point of these teams? There is none. There is no basis or criteria for what makes someone a great draft pick. Maybe we'll line our teams up and fight to the death eventually. I do not know this. But what I do know is that it's time to pick teams and Mr. Ace has been granted the first pick. And the 10th pick of this draft will not be known as Mr. Irrelevant but will forever be known as Mr. Anusbreath.

Let's get this draft started. In lieu of Roger Goodell's ginger ass being the MC of this event, let's get...hmmmmmmmm...Charlie Sheen to be the announcer. He doesn't seem to be doing anything recently. The Aceholes are on the clock...

1. This is a ton of pressure. The first pick of the first ever Money Shot commenter draft. I think I might have a panic attack. What would Matt Millen do? What would Matt Millen do? What would Matt Millen do?
Phew, alright I'm back. With the number one pick in the MSC draft I select...The Iceman!
-Fuck! That's exactly what Matt Millen would do. Oh well, I guess I'm stuck with him. But being the optimist I am, I can see several reasons Iceman will live up to the number one hype. First, he is the most polarizing commenter here; he loves himself, everybody else hates him. Second, every post on his blog is a mail-in. I don't tolerate anything less than underachieving on my team. Third, he is one of the few other Michigan Men around these parts and I can't possibly allow him to become a GMonstrual Cramp. And finally, every Summer back in Naptown I walk by his mother's store front late at night and jerk it to high school girls senior pictures...that's not fake snow on the glass.

Hmmmm, The Iceman was a bold pick. I was hoping that he would slide into the 2nd or 3rd round. But I have no doubt who will be the first Cramp...

2. The GMonstrual Cramps select...DREW!
-I've worked alongside this guy before and I know that he is not a hardworker so that is HUGE for this team. Sure, he may love Ohio State, the Pistons, the Red Wings, the Tigers, and Phil Mickelson, but he also loves Jim Schwartz so that balances things out. Plus, we are only scratching the surface when it comes to what this man has been through. I have sent out some feelers recently for guest posts and Drew has some doozies. I'm talking bad acid trips, arson, AND attempted rape by a black guy (possibly). Yes, this guy will fit in just right on my squad. I'll just need to get some flame-retardent iron underwear.

3. The Aceholes select...DUT!
-I picked Dut at #3 for several reasons. First, if I didn't pick him here then he would have never gotten picked just like in gym class. Even some kid named Guy Peters(real name) would get his name called before him in kickball. Second, the ladies in his family are smoking hot. Ever since the day Dut locked me in his laundry room and I rolled around in his mother's panties like they were a bed of $100 bills, my obsession with the ladies of his family has only grown. And if I were ever to go gay, Uncle T would be right at the top of my list too (editor-HA, what a fag!).

4. The GMonstrual Cramps select...Li'l STRUT!
-When it comes to assembling a great team, you need someone willing to defend his teammates in court.  Who better than this assfuck?  We've all seen how well-researched his comments are and it allows us to have a judge in our back pocket.  HUGE.  We can get away with murder now.  MURDER, I tells ya!  But this does not mean that I want his entire family.  Busty mom (and dad)?  OK, but if he tries to bring Strut to any of our "games", he's cut.  His ability to work a field goal net did not go unnoticed by me and my tremendous boot.
5. The Aceholes select...NATE B!
-I picked Nate B for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Nate B. I picked Nate B because I feel that I owe him something. In fact, I'm sure a lot of us owe him something. We owe him something because of the outrageous number of times we have jerked it while facebook stalking his mother and sisters. Dut does it daily. They are responsible for hundreds of "strangers" and replaced keyboards.
6. The GMonstrual Cramps select...E'TWAUN MOORE...GRUMPY!
-Experience counts when it comes to success on the blog commenting circuit.  And who better than a guy that watched Jesus Christ pop out of Mary's snizz?  I think that Grump is a guy who will be willing to do the dirty work for this squad.  Set screens, block downfield, bunt, take a bullet for me; he's the ultimate role player.  A glue guy.  And I think that if one of your players dies, you automatically get the #1 pick next year.  Always gotta be looking ahead.

7. The Aceholes select...LANGE!
-He pretty much never comments unless it is to talk about how far down he can go on Joey Votto's dong or talk about Soulja Roy (ed.-or to be a dick about #6 which is why he didn't even appear on my big board). But he's on my team because of this (look to the left). He needs this team.

8. The GMonstrual Cramps select...SEAL!
-I think that both of us overlooked Seal's skills.  And that is a damn shame because he should have been a first rounder.  But when you think about it, character issues could have been his downfall.  I mean, anyone who roots for UK basketball has to have zero morals, right?  Seal is one of the biggest dickheads that I've ever met and that most definitely is a compliment.  That is exactly the kind of guy that I want on my team.  G$, Drew, AND Seal?  Who is going to out-burn this the comment section and at the urinals.  Impossible.  Welcome aboard, you scumbag motherfucker.

9. The Aceholes select...DANIEL!
-I want Daniel because if you give him a bottle of liquor, he will run through a wall of minorities. He hates every single minority Fuckeye to ever play football, or live. He also took the most colossal dump ever...into a bucket and then threw it on commenter Nate B's porch (ed-had I known this, he would have been a second rounder). He's not afraid to do the dirty work.

10. The GMonstrual Cramps select the real Mr. Anusbreath himself...SHOOK'S SON!
-Since Dut was already drafted, did you really see anyone else being Mr. Anusbreath?  This just goes to show that the Cramps are not homophobic.  We needed a good cheerleader even if most of the cheers led by SS will be about black dicks.  Surely we will lead the league in butt-slaps.  And imagine how sweet our uniforms will be?  I bet that SS makes sure that all of our threads match the color of eyes.  And our locker room is having a glory hole installed as you read this.
If you weren't drafted, fear not.  Go back to college for one more year and maybe next year, your luck on Draft Day will change.  I feel bad for some of the quality commenters like NW, MUDawg, Damman, Hoffman, Irishman, UU, Jeff, -Rex, etc. but when it comes down to it, you either weren't gay enough or didn't have hot enough family members to make a roster this year.  To review the teams:
Mr. Ace - The Iceman, Dut, Nate B, Lange, and Daniel
G$ - Drew, Lil' Strut, Grumpy, Seal, and Shook's Son

My team is better.  Much better.  Who wants to fight/play hoops/comment/play grab ass?


Mr. Ace said...

Really, no comments? I guess everyone knows the Aceholes would dominate any competition.

Grumpy said...

I'm am truly honored and humbled to be selected, especially by G$. If I had been selected by Ace I would have jumped off the roof.

I'll do whatever it takes to reward G$'s confidence in me. As long as it's not too gay.

Mr. Ace said...

Grump, if this were the senior tour you would have been my first pick.

Grumpy said...

I'm not signing until I get a picture of Dut's mom. Doesn't have to be nude.

GMoney said...

If you're willing to play on my team for just pics of duts mom, you've got a deal. Drew Rosenhaus is going to be pissed at you for this!

The aceholes will certainly have much better team photos.

GMoney said...

Hey look at me! I don't know how to comment from my shitty phone!

Anonymous said...

The GMonstrual Cramps are loaded! Lets face it, we have the three best commenters on this blog, if you judge by how convincing and well thought out our comments are and how awesome we are, overall. What does team Aceholes have? A bunch of homers for their sports teams who seemingly comment with a fifth of rum already down the hatch (along with 3-4 loads of cum). Shook's Son is going to add insult to injury by giving the Aceholes an Arabian Eye Goggle.
GMonstrual Cramps = Dynasty, AceHoles = Cincinnati Bengals!

-Lil' Strut

Grumpy said...

Just give me the damn ball!

Drew said...

A very strong team, but I wish we had Tony B over Shook's Son....not sure how that oversight was made. I'm also glad that MUDawgFan wasn't need for SEC speed on our team.

Seal was a strong late round pick.

Anonymous said...

Easy there, G$.. We heard you the first time.

I'm confident that the Aceholes would dominate in any competition. We will give you Iceman for a 12-pack on Mountain Dew Baja . Way to blow the first pick, Ace!


GMoney said...

Fuck, how could I forget about tony! Wait, it was part of my plan. My franchise is all about winning and cubs fans are not welcome. There, that should make sense.

Tony B. said...


G$ and Ace- go fuck your own faces!

Any of the commenters that were left out are welcome to join with me. We'll start a faction similar to the NWO and wreak havoc throughout this blog. Like THIS.

Anonymous said...

That's right fucktards. Number one overall. At least Ace knows his shit. Bad news though Ace, my agent is insisting I hold out until you open your pussy and give me a bigger signing bonus. Don't get all Donald Sterling on me.

I just want to say I'm glad Grumpy isn't a member of the Aceholes. We don't need locker room tension stemming from Grumpy's never ending attempts at trying to wrestle me naked in the shower.

Daniel said...

I will do and say what others are affraid to. Bigger, Faster, Stronger.

GMoney said...

Jesus, when we decided to do this, we had no idea that the contracts would be so difficult. That's it, we're locking you fuckers OUT!

Mr. Ace said...

What's with the holdouts? I was told we would be able to pay everyone with Derec Alexander posters and small children.

Mudawg was on my roster until I forgot about Daniel's Aryan dedication. I couldn't go without that.

Lil Strut, I'm going to need to see a permission slip signed by your wifey before you comment here. There's only room for two whipped vaj's on my just didn't make the cut.

Anonymous said...

You knew going into this that I was in it for the money Ace. I'll give you my all once I get paid, but until then you won't see me at training camp.