Monday, January 24, 2011

The Worst of the Conference Championships Vol.IV

Jay Cutler got "hurt"?  I'LL DRINK TO THAT!
Before we get going with the football, I need to address something first.  Thursday, Columbus was hit with a pretty decent-sized snowstorm.  I think it was like 3 or 4 inches.  Not too bad but more than enough to make my commute to and from work horrible.  Fortunately, my in-laws bought us a snowblower this past Spring which makes no snowstorm too tough for me.  I don't know how I've ever lived without one of these things.  I want to fuck my snowblower.  What normally would have taken me 90 minutes or so to do with manual labor, I can now clear the driveway in 15-20 minutes and not have a sore back for a week.  It fucking rules.  Hell, I'm such a great guy that I cleared the sidewalks for my neighbors.  And they both thanked me.  Like a good neighbor, G$ and his badass snowblower is there!  But here is my problem...not all of the people on my street shovel their sidewalks.  That infuriates me to no end.

Look assholes, if you take the time to shovel your driveway, take the fucking time to clean up your sidewalk.  It will take you an extra 15 minutes tops.  As a guy who walks his dog every night, I'm afraid that one day I'm going to blow out my knee trying to trek through this shit.  And then I will sue the fucking pants off of the owners of the property.  I'm half-tempted just to take the snowblower all the way down the street just to make sure that it gets done.  The other half of me considers breaking his leg on purpose just to teach everyone a lesson.  It's fucking bullshit.  FIX YO' SIDEWALKS.  But enough of my neighborhood discontent, let's talk FOOTBALL!!!

James Brown - On the CBS pregame show, he conducted an interview with the E-trade baby.  Seriously.  That had to have been the low point in his career and he spent years sitting next to Terry Bradshaw.

Carson Palmer - Let me get this straight, he wants a trade out of Cincy or he's going to retire?  What a fag.  Look, asking to get out of that franchise is not a big surprise since it's the worst organization in football but saying that you are going to retire is such an empty threat.  Palmer isn't going to do that.  He still has at least five more years of mediocre QB play in him.  The Bengals should call his bluff.  Let's see if he's a man of his word.

Jay Cutler - What a pussy.  At no point did we see any play in which he could have possibly hurt his knee yet he bails on pretty much all of the second half.  That is what I like to see.  My least favorite QB being a total bitch at the biggest moment of the season.  How many times did he miss Hester for touchdowns in the first half?  It was at least twice, might have been thrice.  He was fucking awful when he played though so it was probably for the best because then we got to see...

THE GOLDEN ARM OF TODD COLLINS!!! - My dad put it best, "Ex-Redskins are not difference makers".  Couldn't have said it better!  It was nice to see ol' Golden Arm out there again though.  He was brilliant.

Lovie Smith - Damn, that took some balls to put in your emergency QB and leave yourself with no options if Hanie and his excellent mustache got hurt.  I wonder what they would have done.  Maybe Hester in the wildcat?  Can Julius Peppers throw?  I bet they would have went with Brad Maynard.  MAC represent!

Mike Martz - 3rd and 2 and you run an Earl Bennett wide receiver sweep?  That is awful.  When that play came in, Hanie should have Moxon'ed him and just ran something else.

Bears Halftime Show - Who the fuck is Lee DeWyze?  American Idol is fucking trash.

Aaron Rodgers - He wasn't great but I'm not going to put that entirely on him.  The Bears defense played REALLY well and continually got to him.  Keep in mind, with every playoff win for Rodgers, it only makes Colin Cowherd even more wrong.  And I like that.

My pride - I've spent the last four years talking about how much AJ Hawk sucks and how he is a bust, but I apologize because the guy has been great this year.  He figured something out to make him a solid player and that is commendable.  His wife is still ugly though.

Final take on the NFC Playoffs - Without question, the best team won.  That defense is just sick.  I can't say this enough, but NO ONE wants to watch the Bears play.  They are just a dull and poorly coached team.  They would have ruined the Super Bowl.  Well done by the Packers though, I'll be rooting for them in two weeks.

Jim Nantz - Can we all agree that he sucks?   He really, truly blows.  I thought it was awesome when Jimmy was sooooo sure that Sanchez's arm was going forward and FEEL SEEMS kept telling him that he was wrong.  I like that SEEMS.  FEEL needs to keep putting the Butler Cabin Buttfucker in his place.

Ed Hochuli - Everyone thinks that he's adorable because he can bicep curl a Camry, but it's annoying how much he talks.  He uses 45 words when 5 words are necessary.  Like if a guy jumps offside, he will include the offending player's name, height, weight, hometown, social security number, and penis size.  Other than the penis size, everything else is irrelevant.

Shaun Suisham - Had a kickoff go out of bounds.  Still sucks.

Maurkice Pouncey - Jesus Christ, does a Steeler O-lineman get hurt every week?  It seems like they do.  They have to have, like, four left.  I fully expect them to move Byron Leftwich to his natural position of left tackle.

Rex Ryan - Where the hell was the Jets' swagger in the first half?  They looked scared which is something that I didn't think that that team would ever be.  They let Mendenhall, a good back but nothing special, tear them to shreds.  If this is the best that they could give this week, they should have just let the Patriots win last week.  Because that was pathetic.  It's almost as if beating New England was their Super Bowl.

Big Ben - Eh, he was alright but he's played a lot better in the playoffs.  I actually thought that Sanchez outplayed him.  But Ben converts third downs.  Either way, he gets the chance to win his third ring in two weeks and be 1 and 1a with Tom Brady when it comes to the best QB's of all time. 

Brian Schottenheimer - Horrible play-calling on the goalline.  Horrible clock management in the 4th quarter.  Just a horrible coaching job.  Considering his horrible father's horrible playoff track record, this was not a coincidence.

Final Take on the AFC Playoffs - Just like the NFC, the best team moves on.  But I can't help be concerned from the shitty play of the Steelers in the 2nd half.  And why didn't the Jets go for 2?  I could have gotten a push out of that.  I suck.

So we've got a Packers/Steelers Super Bowl in Dallas.  I can live with that.  I already know who I'm rooting for.  Either way, we've got the fattest fans in the league going head-to-head with the ugliest and white trashiest fans in the league.  Ugh, the next two weeks are going to suck.


Grumpy said...

What a night. Had some buddies over to the double wide. Smoked us some meth before the game. Billy Bob almost kicked the tv when they ruled Heath didn't catch that ball. Refs always trying to fuck the Stillers.

Anyway, after we'uns won, I put my teeth in, we all piled into the Camaro and headed to the 7/11 to get a couple liters of Mt. Dew to celebrate.

I think the disability plus the welfare just might be enough to score tickets in Dallas for me and the Missus. See ya Yinzers there.

Anonymous said...

Big Ben 1A?? HA HA HA.. He will never be as good as Brady, Manning. Favre. Marino, Elway. and should never be in the same sentence as Montana.. I don't care how many fucking super bowls the rapist wins !

GMoney said...

Yeah, I didn't proofread that. It was supposed to say that Ben and Brady would be 1 and 1a of all CURRENT qb's. I'm not going to fix it though, just know that I am aware of the error.

And yes, Ben is better than Manning, Favre, and Marino. He's like a rapier Derek Jeter. It doesn't always show up in the stats, but there is no one that I'd rather have in the 4th quarter of a playoff game. Saying otherwise is delusional.

Grump, that was your best comment ever.

Drew said...

I'll be rooting for the Steelers in two weeks.

Those games left a lot to be desired...very disappointing.

OSU/Illinois was the best game of hte weekend.

Anonymous said...

There's no one you would rather have in the 4th quarter because no other team's defense allows the QB to still make plays that matter in the 4th quarter by successfully masking all of the mistakes he made in the first three quarters. Who has a 35 QB rating in the AFC championship game? Way to show up ya fat fuckin douche.

Replace "2 liters of Mountain Dew" with "cases of PBR" and that's about spot on.

Mr. Ace said...

Big Ben sucks. And fucks people without consent. Playing for the Steelers has made his career much more than it should be. He's no Tom Brady. He's more like Trent Dilfer. It's too bad the Jets were suffering from a Patriots hangover in the first half because then we wouldn't have to hear about this rapist anymore.

They have talked about Jay fucking Cutler for four hours on Mike n Mike. He's a pussy. But nobody outside of Chicago cares.

Well done, Grump. You finally figured it out.

It's hilarious that Carson Palmer thinks he has leverage.

Get Woodson a ring!

Anonymous said...

Jay Cutler is Super Fag. He should be forced to wear a shit emblazoned with a rock hard veiny rager with a pink "F" seered into the actual cock.

How some of his team mates are defending what happened escapes me. Keep in mind that Phil Rivers played in a playoff game with a torn ACL. That's the difference between good players who give a shit and fags who would rather be sipping virgin strawberry daqueris on a cruise ship.

Anonymous said...

Shirt...not shit. But I wouldn't be opposed to the shit alternative.

Anonymous said...

If I were starting a franchise, I would not pick Big Ben as my franchise QB. He is solid, but I think the Steelers are still in the superbowl with at least 15 other QBs in this league. I evaluate QBs based on if you remove them from the team. Take away Ben and the Steelers are still elite. Take away Manning and the Colts are the Browns (minus colt mccoy of course). Boom.

For the love of god can the Packers please win this damn game!?!? I am going to evict commenter Jeff and make him sleep in the Grand Marquee if I ever hear "7 rings bitches".

I agree with Drew. The OSU/Ill game was the best game of the weekend.


MuDawgfan said...

The Chicago Bears are terrible.

On the flip side, homemade Lasagna is the cats ass. I made some this weekend while watching the games and it was outstanding.

Jeff said...

Yea ben's numbers weren't great but he's a play extender and that's what the steelers need with that oline. The steelers could not win with 10 other qbs in the league. Youre all haters. The steelers played classic tressel ball in the second half. Bend but don't break.

GMoney said...

I just took a dump at work that looked like and weighed as much as Casey Hampton. It was impressive. I should have taken a picture of it.

And due to the comments thus far, I now know what I'm writing about tomorrow.

Tony B. said...

"When that play came in, Hanie should have Moxon'ed him and just ran something else."

That line was hilarious. I HATE WR reverses with a passion, especially with 1 minute left in the NFC championship game and no timeouts left.

"The Chicago Bears are terrible."

Well, they sure put up a better game than the Falcons last week. They were 29 yards away from going to overtime with their third string QB against the greatest team in the universe with the the greatest QB of all time, Aaron Rodgers.

I fucking hate the Packers so damn much.

Hey G$, didn't you predict this Super Bowl match-up two years ago?

Anonymous said...

For every play that Raper "extends" he has a play where he pump fakes 80 times and gets sacked or fumbles. Give Brady, Manning or Brees what Raper has had for his entire career on the defensive side of the ball. The amount of titles those guys would have would make you puke.

Raper was so bad in the last Super Bowl, Pittsburgh almost lost (if not for a Steeler defensive TD to close the half) to a team that barely made the playoffs. Raper's first SB win is still the worst statistic game of any SB winning QB. How are we being haters? He wins on the heels of a great defense and probably the best defensive coordinator in the history of football. Put him on any other team and his success is cut in half. Fact.

GMoney said...

Hoo boy, you are making tomorrow's post even better, Iceman. Your "facts" aren't really facts by the way. They are opinions.

Anonymous said...

Why didn't Kordell Stewart or any of the other Steeler qb's in recent years have success??

The best player on the field yesterday was Big Ben - stats are for losers............what the hell is a passer rating anyhow?? All I know is he made big play after big play after big play and the Jets are going home. Didn't see any of those low flying jets yesterday.........those were buzzards flying over Heinz field!!

What about the offensive line? He has lost both starting tackles and now Flozell f'n Adams will now get to play in a Super Bowl!! Never could with the "Boys and was CUT by them this past spring and they have one of the worst offensive lines in football!!!

The man just wins...........he can torch you with his arm (which shocked Indy in 2006) or with his legs, but most importantly, he will outsmart you and find a way to win.

How would Brady do with that offensive line?? Look what he did last week against the Jets.

Anonymous said...

According to Anon, Big Ben will "torch" you with his legs? He is pretty amazing at outsmarting as well, considering he outsmarted investigators and was able to get away with multiple rapes.

This guy is a fucking joke. Big Ben and Anon.


Anonymous said...

True G$ way to prove my "opinions". But the evidence is pretty damning.

Kordell didn't succeed because he's probably one of the worst QBs in the history of the NFL. No defense, no matter how powerful, can mask that grease fire. Same with Tommy Maddox..unless you put stock in the "comeback player of the year award" which most sane people do not. We are talking about QBs that have talent, which Raper clearly has some...just not in the same category as Brady, Manning, Brees, etc.

And QB rating is nothing important..just completions vs. incompletions and touchdowns vs. interceptions. Those stats are irrelevant to the QB position, right? The only "plays" Raper was making were plays to keep the Jets in the the 2 picks and a safety which was clearly his fault. What won the game was the defense...nearly shutting out the Jets in the first half and making an enormous goal line stand in the 4th to preserve a small lead. Give credit to the strength of your team for Christ sake. Brady has 4 titles playing on that team. Maybe more.

GMoney said...

Iceman, you have been wrong all day. Take the rest of the afternoon off.

By the way, on the first interception yesterday, Bruce Arians called a SCREEN PASS on 4th and 1! I had never seen that before and of course it didn't work.

Anonymous said...

Bruce Arians must have thought he was back on the Browns staff for a moment.

Hmmmm...I wonder why G$ has such a huge boner for Raper. Look. Clearly Raper has talent or else he would have been replaced by now. He's just not in the "elite" category. Any time your starting quarter back sits out for whatever reason (motorcycle accident, emergency surgery, rape) and the team doesn't suffer in the win/loss column you can see where the strength of the team is. For Pittsburgh that strength has always been and will always be the defense.

Grumpy said...

G$ calls out Iceman. Impressive.