|Say "Whataburger" again!|
It is OK to put ketchup on a burger. It is not OK to put ketchup on anything that is put in a hot dog bun. Period. I've yelled at my own mother for this before so you know that I'm very passionate about ketchup usage. Now that we have that out of the way, how should one of the greatest foods ever be prepared?
*You better fucking grill it - grill marks are fucking beautiful, aren't they?
*Toast the bun - Always toast it. My wife refuses to do this which I think is archaic and uncouth.
*Melt the cheese - Nothing offends me more than when I order a cheeseburger and it's brought to me with a cold Kraft single on top of it.
*Always include bacon when available - I don't need to explain this more than saying that bacon makes everything better
*Grill the onions - Best topping that you could have that doesn't come from a pig...holy shit are grilled onions great or what?
*The tomato has to be ripe - I grew up in the Tomato Capital so I demand quality tomatoes. I always open my burger and check to see if the tomato has that white circle in the middle indicating it is not at it's best. If I see this, the tomato gets tossed. I am very strict.
*Brown lettuce is not welcome - Lettuce is green, not brown. I hate brown lettuce.
*Crunchy pickles are a must - Those shit pickles that you get at McDonald's? Fuck 'em. Bitches better be crunchy. Having different textures within your burger is underrated.
*Mayo is white trash - The older that I get, the more that I realize that mayo is really gross. I don't put mayo on anything anymore.
Now that that is said, let's get the no-no's out of the way:
*Make sure it's cooked - OK, I am one of those guys who always orders things well done. But I have a good reason for it. I am DEATHLY afraid of undercooked meat. No joke. One of my groomsman once got sick (he ate chicken off of a plate where it had been thawing...he is not smart) and was shitting blood for three days. That is terrifying. So that is why you will never see me order anything rare or medium or even medium well. I don't care either. I don't want to have a period coming from my ass. Deal with it.
*Sliders are gay - Don't order these. I like going to White Castle about once a year but you, as a man, leave the mini-burgers to the women and gays. You are a man, dammit, and a burger should always be a two-hand event.
*The Whopper is disgusting - It is really, really, really not good.
*Never ever use mushrooms - I hate these things. They have no flavor and grow in shit. Who exactly was the first person to think of eating these things anyway?
My favorite 5 burger joints (if it isn't on the list, I haven't been there so get over it)
Places I still need to get to: Johnnie's Tavern (which Drew is going to tell us about), Whataburger, Graffiti Burger, and Fatburger (I think it's a Cincy thing, but I've heard all good shit)
Honorable Mention: McDonald's/Big Boy - Come on, who doesn't love a Big Mac/Big Boy every once in a while? Those things are delicious! By the way, I have never told any stories here about my tenure as a waiter at Big Boy back in high school. Let's just say that it was hilarious and disgusting and that you should never eat there again.
5. Town Tap - You Naptowners know what I'm talking about. But this recognition is for the days when Boxer still owned the place and ruled the world with his burgers and soup, not when those Liberty Center assholes fucked everything up. I believe that Mr. Ace will back this claim up 100%. Also a treat from Nap, the Whamburger.
4. Red Robin - I never knew that this place existed before moving to Columbus, but I have never had a bad experience there. Nothing great, but everything is good. And if you wonder if I have ever asked for more of their all-you-can-eat fries as soon as my burger and fries get to the table, just know that I have done that more than once.
3. Five Guys - I assume that someone has a heart attack in that place at least once a week.
2. In-N-Out - Gotta go animal-style but this place is just incredible. Somehow, they make a fast food burger taste amazingly fresh. It's bizarre but very boner-inducing. Walter Sobcheck knows his burgers.
And I couldn't finish this post with constructing my own beauty..."THE BIG MONEY"
1/2 pound patty (well done of course) on a toasted onion bun, bacon, grilled onions, smoked cheddar, banana peppers, A-1 steak sauce, and a generous glob of my spit. Delicious. Who wouldn't eat that?
Discuss good places to get a sandwich. Make your own burger. Whatever you want...the important thing is that we're talking meat.