Tuesday, January 04, 2011

In The Year 2011

Today, we are going to get out the official crystal ball of The Money Shot and predict the upcoming year. Yes, we are stealing this bit from Conan O'Brien but he has been gracious enough to stop on by and help us out. We collaborated on this effort two years ago about this time and are bringing it back by popular demand. We've also enlisted the services of the playoff-bound, Bill Belichick!  You may not know this, but Bill has a lovely falsetto voice! Let's get this going...

G$: "... It's time, once again, to look into the future."
Conan O'Brien: "The future, G$?"
G$: "That's right, Conan. Let's look to the future, all the way to the year 2011!"

Bill:  In the year 2011...in the year 2011!
G$:  In the year 2011, Tom Brady will have won an NFL MVP and maybe his fourth Super Bowl ring.  He will capitalize on this even more through his endorsement deals.  On top of his already strong relationship with Uggs, Brady will sign deals with Ed Hardy, Massengill, and, of course, Lance's Choice Anus Paste.
Bill: In the year 2011...
 
Conan:  Coach K, after winning his second straight national championship will determine that enough is enough.  No, he won't retire, but he will make it official that his program will be recruiting "whites only".  This is treated negatively almost unanimously across the country.  But eventhough he has only spent a few days there in his life, Coach K will be inducted into the Boston Sports Hall Of Fame because of this new policy.
Bill:  In the year 2011...
 
G$:  In an attempt to capitalize on the monster success which is The Winter Classic, Gary Bettman will look to move his entire sport outdoors for the 2011 season.  Bettman will call up Roger Goodell to notify him that the Penguins are taking over Heinz Field and the Steelers will have to play somewhere else.  Goodell will laugh at him, give Bettman a wedgie, and then anally rape his wife right in front of the NHL commish's face.  Like usual, Bettman will do nothing but attempt to suck his own dick and to never give the Blue Jackets a call.
Bill:  In the year 2011...
 
Conan:  The Chicago Cubs and their new ownership group will finally do what fans have wanted for years.  They will disband the team, put in a jumbotron, and show the games played elsewhere between better teams.  Basically, Wrigley Field will become officilally the world's biggest bar.  No longer will people waste hours supporting a shitty product.  It will just be one big party once and for all.  It will be like a frat house but with worse beer.
Bill:  In the year 2011...
 
G$:  Noticing the growing NBA trend of creating "super teams", Clippers owner Donald Sterling will take it in another direction.  The Clips will sign Allen Iverson, Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady, and Eddy Curry in an effort to create the anti-super team.  They already have Vinny Del Negro in place who would be the perfect coach for an anti-super team.  And eventhough they will be awful, it will give Sterling more players to heckle from courtside.  That is the Clipper way.
  Bill:  In the year 2011...
 
Conan:  After the Sugar Bowl, Terrelle Pryor will indeed turn pro and thus lie to the Ohio State family for about the thousandth time in three years.  His unimpressive tenure in Columbus will end early after more evidence surfaces where he "stole from you, stole from me".  Buckeye fans will form an angry mob, find TP's house in whatever UFL city he calls home, and burn it to the ground with him in it.  The entire revenge plot will be dubbed after the Metallica song, "Fight Pryor With Fire".  When the police question the mob, their motive will collectively be, "times are tough...the economy is bad...we were just trying to keep his house warm."
Bill:  In the year 2011...
 
G$:  Finally, in the year 2011, Jersey Shore will return for a fourth season but with cast changes.  MTV will relieve Ronnie of his duties considering that he sucks and isn't even Italian.  In exchange, they will bring former Pitt coach Mike Haywood in to replace him.  He has the time.  Jersey Shore wants to get back to pushing the envelope and they want more scenes like this:
funny animated gif
Haywood is more than qualified to do that.  And maybe he can finally put Sammi in her place.  Screw it, I'm doing one more.  Sing it one more time, you hooded fag!
Bill:  In the year 2011...

G$:  Trying to capitalize on what appears to be a successful New Era Pinstripe Bowl, the Yankees will announce that the name will be changed to The George Steinbrenner Family Presents The George Steinbrenner Bowl sponsored by the YES Network.  God Bless America will be played after every change of possession and, yes, one of the coaches will be fired at halftime.
Bill:  In the year 2011...in the year 2011!
 
Alright, that was fun, wasn't it? No? Well, you don't run this site, I do and I think that it was great. If you've never seen the sketch, then I apologize for the reptitive nature of Bill Belichick. I would like to thank Conan and Bill for helping me out again with my prediction blog. Thanks, guys. I really should be a comedy writer. My words today are already funnier than anything that Jon Stewart has said in 15 years.

19 comments:

Drew said...

Here's one...in the year 2011 where will Harbaugh coach? I'm saying 49ers.

Season 3 of Jersey Shore begins Thursday night, but I'm sure all of you already knew that.

GMoney said...

I can't think of a better way to celebrate a godaddy.com bowl victory.

Thoughts on the new shit of Pryor seen driving an Escalade? Thought he was broke!

Grumpy said...

Is Danica going to be at the godaddy.com bowl? If so, I might have to go.

GMoney said...

Grump, I actually think that she's the grand marshal of some bowl parade down there. She's definitely doing something in Mobile this week...probably blowing Austin Boucher.

Drew said...

G$...I heard he was flying a Gulfstream jet with gold wings!

GMoney said...

After Ronnie calls Snooki a "loser from Poughkeepsie," JWoww lashes out at Ronni by calling him a "f------ f-----."

Awesome. This is going to be the best season yet.

Drew said...

I heard MVP has a "grenade whistle" this season.

Anonymous said...

In the year 2011... Ndamukong Suh will end a QB's life, Jim Schwartz will blow out his jugular on the sidelines from getting so pissed off on the sidelines, the lions will make the playoffs, and I will repeat in the DFL with a lopsided trade.

Also, thank you to all of you who left the JFL as I am the champ 2 years running.

1st place in all 3 FF leagues I was in this year.

Oh and in the year 2011 Joey Votto will hit a walk off to win the 'ship.

-Lange

Tony B. said...

I laughed at the Coach K bit, but then was quickly offended by the Cubs one. How dare you go from talking about racist Boston to something serious like folding the Cubs!

The Niners are such a mess that I can't see Harbaugh going across the 101. It seems like Michigan may have found their new guy.

Drew said...

It seems like within the last 24 hours, Harbaugh notified Michigan that he will not be going there....this is pretty much what the Detroit papers and the Michigan Rivals site is saying. I highly doubt he stays at Stanford....so it's one of the NFL jobs...

Carolina -- He can draft Luck....nothing else.

Miami -- Supposedly, they have a blank check waiting for him.

San Francisco -- Supposedly, they are willing to hire a buddy of his to be GM...he won't have to move.

I'm picking SF.

Tony B. said...

Didn't Denver also hire John Elway with the sole intention of having Elway lure Harbaugh?

I agree with your logic Drew, but after listening to countless hours of bleak Bay Area AM Sports radio, it's hard to see it. I'm probably just too close to the situation and can't see it clearly.

Drew said...

I'm sure that was an easy talking point for the media on Elway, but I'm sure Elway just got hired because he is Football Jesus to the people in Denver. I've never lived in Denver, but I have a couple of buddies who have and they say Elway is like Michael Jordan out there...and he owns like a zillion car dealerships and other things. He's probably a complete moron in that VP role, but the fans will eat up anything they do for the next few years as long as he puts his stamp on it.

Mr. Ace said...

The Detroit papers don't know dick. I'm not saying JH is coming to Michigan, but the Freep knows jack shit.

I agree that JH won't be staying at Stanford.

Miami is supposedly bringing back Sparano.

Michigan is going to offer him a boatload of money, 4-5 mil a year. His decision isn't made yet.

I think it is Denver or Michigan. Doesn't seem like the Niners is going to work.

Conan's a fag.

GMoney said...

Well, looky there, Mr. Ace showed his stupid face! Am I the only one that had a 5 minute vmail from Dut yesterday that was basically nothing but backgroud noise? I hate that guy. I'm surprised that there wasn't more slurping though.

FYI, I'm going to Barley's on Saturday before the Miami/OSU hockey demolition. Wings and sauerkraut balls, n-words!!!

Drew said...

Rich Rod officially axed. Sad day....I shall pour some booze out for him tonight.

GMoney said...

Typical retarded Michigan. I hope they enjoyed the last three years of rebuilding because they are going to get 3 more years of it.

"Michigan will owe the coach $2.5 million to buy out the final three years of his contract."

Money well spent.

The Iceman said...

I'll take 3 years of rebuilding instead of 10 years of 7-5 with a conference record of 3-5 and getting waxed in bowl games. Good fucking riddance. If the next coach (it won't be Harbaugh...it would be too perfect) doesn't put an emphasis on defense I'm going to start microwaving babies.

Tony B. said...

Mike Haywood is looking for work. He could teach the Wolverines to be more physical.

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