Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Coaching Clusterfuck: Dave Brandon's Brady Hoax

(You are all in big, big trouble)

Dave Brandon, you sly little fuck. I was right, I was fucking right all along:
I have come up with a theory. Dave Brandon is using the media. At this point I think Jim Harbaugh is out of reach and taking his talents to the NFL. The majority of Michigan fans only want Harbaugh. Dave Brandon realizes this so he is leaking false information about the coaching search to the media about Rich Rod/Brady Hoke being the next Michigan head coach to gauge the reaction of the fans, and most importantly, the alumni. The reaction to Brady Hoke being the next head coach was PANIC FUCKING PANIC, just like he suspected, so he bought more time and postponed the decision until sometime today. That doesn't necessarily mean Brady Hoke isn't coming to Ann Arbor, but with Harbaugh out of the picture and Brady Hoke next in line, keeping Rich Rod around is starting to look a little more intriguing.
I wrote that in last weeks post. Brady Hoke was Dave Brandon's guy all along. He wanted to hire him last week but Michigan fans lost their minds when the news broke. So he put together a FAKE nationwide coaching search where he met with Les Miles and made it seem like he was actively looking for someone else. Brandon knew that the Michigan fan base would grow tired of the search and not having a coach while watching our recruiting class totally deteriorate, so he only had to by time. He bought that time, Les did him a solid and made it seem like he was really contemplating coming to Michigan, Brady Hoke was hired and the majority of the Michigan fan base is just happy the whole ordeal is over. Well fucking played DB, well played.

This hire sucks. If it was Hoke all along it should have been done a month ago. The process was a sham. Denard Robinson is as good as gone and I can't blame him. I have no idea how he is going to fill his staff(Well fuck me, he is bringing his OC from SDSU. Denard is definitely gone). This recruiting class is dead. WE HAVE THE WORST COACH IN THE BIG TEN...not named Ron Zook. Seriously.

COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS POST I HAD WRITTEN BEFORE NOON YESTERDAY THAT I REFUSE TO DELETE BECAUSE I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT BRADY HOKE HAS BEEN HIRED TO BE THE MICHIGAN HEAD COACH. I SIMPLY REFUSE. It is still worth the read because I say so, and I worked in a dynamite Brian Reed joke.

I had planned on talking about the Les Miles hire and how he could keep the Michigan team intact and go after some of the recruits we lost. He is a "Michigan Man" but he recruited Ryan Perrilloux, Jordan Jefferson, and Russell Shepard to play QB, so he is more than willing to run a spread offense. But...fuck. Les Miles was a mothafuckin lock Monday night, and then it all changed...like it always does. Michigan is coachless, spurned by Jim Harbaugh, Pat Fitzgerald, Jon Gruden(I assume...I'm not really sure why I include him like he was even an option), Les Miles, and Gary Patterson. The A-list is fucking dead, folks.

I don't recall a coaching search ever being like this. There is no possible way for a University to handle this situation worse than Michigan has. The world has now seen Michigan rejected at least five times and has everyone wondering what the hell is wrong there.

So what the hell is wrong at Michigan? We have an incredibly supportive fan base, a shit ton of money, upgraded facilities, tradition, a Heisman frontrunner potentially coming back, and a fan base begging for somebody to come rescue us. Michigan is no quick fix, but it's also not a total breakdown and rebuild. The offense is there as long as the coach has some flexibility; it obviously doesn't transition well to two tight ends power football. The defense sucks, but has a ton of experience and everybody is coming back.

All that being said, I can understand why Gruden, Fitzgerald, Harbaugh, Miles, and Patterson turned us down; Aside from Fitzgerald, who will stay at Northwestern until the apocalypse, they all have better options than Michigan. The problem is, Michigan should have figured this out a month ago. Before the bowl game we should have already known Harbaugh, Gruden, Patterson were out. After the bowl game we should have reached out to Miles and Fitzgerald to gauge interest, before firing Ridriguez. So instead of sitting here with our thumbs up our ass on January 12th without a head coach, we would have known on January 4th that our options were Rich Rod, Brady Hoke, or some coordinator...Malzahn please? But here we sit with Brady Hoke's fat fucking face smiling back at us knowing that Michigan is poised to settle on him.

I said before that my choice was Harbaugh or Rich Rod all the way and I won't go over all that again. But look at the resources Michigan used to employ their coaching staff compared to the rest of the nation:
In 2010, Michigan peeled off $1.8M in compensation for former Coach Rodriguez’s staff, that ranks in the 73rd percentile for the 112 programs listed (top-31 money) but dead last amongst the big dogs. It’s clear that Rich Rodriguez had a specific vision for what he wanted his defense to be capable of and there he knew just the guy to do it. The word on the street is that Jeff Casteel just liked West FUCKING Virginia too much to come to Ann Arbor. OK. He earned just over $372k last year.

Greg Robinson was our second highest paid assistant last year at $270k, but really he only made $5k less than Magee. Guess what the top two assistants in the hegemony--Top 15 Big Money schools-- averaged in 2010 excluding Muschamp…about $425k. We had the lowest paid offensive and defensive coordinators by at least $25k and we were $100k away from middle of the pack.
That's embarrassing. This is why I wanted to keep Rich Rod and shell out a ton of cash to a Defensive Coordinator and let him bring in his own staff. MICHIGAN HAS THE FUCKING MONEY! They (reportedly) offered Miles $5 mil a year for five years, which means the total staff would have been paid around $7 mil a year. Why not give those same resources and opportunity to Rich Rod and his new staff? Just fucking stupid.

So here were are. I guess I should have a wish list...and it goes a little somethin like this:
1. PLEASE FUCKING CHRIST NOT BRADY HOKE!
“Right, wrong or indifferent, when you’re zone blocking all the time -- when you’re playing basketball on grass -- you practice against that all spring, you practice against it all fall and then you’re going to play a two-back team that wants to knock you off the football,” Hoke said. “I don’t think you’re prepared. I think there’s a toughness level (required in college football). I still believe you win with defense. That’s been beaten into my head a long time, but I really believe that. The toughness of your team has to be the offensive front and your defensive front.”
This is how Brady Hoke feels about the spread offense. Good bye Denard. This is Lloyd Carr football. Learning how to coach from Lloyd Carr is like getting swimming lessons from Brian Reed. BOOM.

2. Gus Malzahn. Not even sure he is an option, but he will never be a hotter coaching option. Easy transition for our offense. Might have trouble assembling a staff since he has limited experience in the college ranks. But I think people would be willing to jump on a staff with him.

3. Tom Bradley. He is obviously tired of waiting behind Joe Pa and is making it known by interviewing for every coaching job possible. He is the back bone to Penn State so he might find it hard to come to Michigan, but the price will be right. And Brandon said he wants a guy with a defensive mindset.

4. Kyle Whittingham. I think his record and results speak for themselves. Defensive minded, but his teams have ran the spread since he has been at Utah.

5. Again, anybody but Hoke.

Fuck.

Oh yeah, G Money won Money Shot Bowl Mania.

54 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like the pick up, look at OSU with Tressel he was a nobody and look what he has done. Great pick up. Ace this just proves you don't know shit about football.

NW

Grumpy said...

You don't know shit; Hoke will win and you will be the first on the bandwagon.

Drew said...

NW...You are a fucking moron. Tressel was a far better hire with a far superior resume. He won four national championships in I-AA and lost two there. He also had 20 years of building relationships with Ohio and Western PA high school coaches. Hoke's spent the last ten years in fucking Muncie, IN and a couple vacation years in San Diego...his best thing on his resume is the Pointsettia Bowl win.

Ace...you are correct in that this is a laughable hire. Could it work out? Absolutely it could. But, all it does is prove that right now Michigan is not a national program. High School Seniors right now know a world where they have onyl seen Michigan beat Ohio State once since they were eight years old. That is a Notre Dame bowl-like comment. This hire needed to be a grand slam and it is far from that...far far from that. It could work out...but, Michigan needed a WOW hire...instead they got a MEH hire.

Anonymous said...

Face it, Michigan is a B-list job.

-Damman

GMoney said...

I like to think that it went down like this:

Brandon: Les, thank you for your time but I think I'm going to go in another direction.
Miles: Doesn't matter because I just texted my beat writers that I'm staying at LSU. No one will make me look like a fool!

This is a really good hire. Sure, it isn't sexy but nothing about the state of Michigan is. And I don't know what you're worried about as far as the offense goes. Ball State was a spread and SDSU didn't play Woody Ball either. A good coach adapts his style to his talent so I would expect the same here.

Hoke will win...mark it down.

Drew said...

G$...What has Hoke done that makes you say "this is a really good hire". That's some MAC bias. The dude has a losing career record...so he hasn't even dominated his peers...he beat TWO teams with winning records over the last two years. If this was Alabama, Florida or LSU and they made a similar hire of someone who had been an assistant at their school over a decade ago and had a below .500 record coaching at Southern Mississippi (better school than Ball State) they would have already burned down their AD's house and raped his wife.

Anonymous said...

Drew is right, and I will take it a step further. Michigan has only been in the postseason top 20 twice since these HS Seniors were in junior high. Further, they have missed a bowl game twice in that time span. Michigan football does not mean nearly what it used to to high school recruits. They needed a big name with proven recruiting experience and they needed him last year. Unfortunately, it will be 2013, at best, before Hoke can have the program back on track. If all goes as it has, that will mean Michigan will not have beat OSU in 10 seasons and it will be teh 9th season since UM's last big 10 title...sad times in Ann Arbor.

Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

You can't look at his record since he took over reclamation projects. Ball State then, much like Michigan is now, was one of the worst programs in the country and he had them at 13-0 before an upset loss to Buffalo in the title game. SDSU, a rotten program too much like Michigan, pushed TCU this year and was ranked at one point (maybe ended the year ranked too).

My point is that he has been able to, almost overnight, build also-rans into contenders. That counts for something. And it shows me that he knows what he's doing.

And don't give me that shit about how anOSU fans were pumped about the Tressel hire. I guarantee that the majority of you humanoids were talking about how Tress wasn't a big enough name for your job.

Les Miles would have been a disaster. Michigan needs to stay out of the news for a year or two and get back to just worrying about football.

Drew said...

I never said everyoen was pumped about Tressel, but I stick by the fact that his resume had far more accomplishments on it at the time than Hoke's does now.

GMoney said...

Florida hired the coach from Bowling Green and Utah...how did that work out? Go figure, Hoke worked in both of those conferences too and probably has a better heart.

Drew said...

Yeah, because Urban's 39-8 career record at those two schools is real similar to being 47-50. Or, maybe the National Coach of the Year award he won at Utah...or the undefeated BCS season he had at Utah. Or, the fact that Notre Dame also offered Urban the job when he went to Florida. Yup, those are real similar resumes.

Michigan beat out Minnesota and Indiana for Brady Hoke...that's impressive.

Mr. Ace said...

If you think this was a good hire then you have no business talking about college football. I'm not even saying Michigan's hire had to be slam dunk, but it had to be better than this. Any of the people I listed(Malzahn, Bradley, Whittingham) would have been twice the hire Hoke was.

The guy thinks the spread is playing basketball on grass. He won't run the spread. He might try to work some things in that are spread like to keep some people happy, but that won't last long.

Again, if this clown had to connection to the Michigan program then he wouldn't even be considered. Indiana and Minnesota turned his ass down!

NW...you're just a moron.

Grump, you like Hoke because you think he is bringing back leather helmets.

Of course it could work out. But this isn't a hire to chase national titles. This was a hire to appease alumni who have this crazy obsession with Michigan Men and have a team with a 10 win ceiling. It was safe. Hoke won't piss people off. He will play a game that Michigan fans are used to seeing. But Michigan could have done 10 times better if they would have actually had a coaching search.

Anonymous said...

Meyer went 17-6 at Bowling Green and 22-2 at Utah, with a BCS bowl win. Thats 39-8 (83%) , with a BCS win, vs. 47-50 (48.5%) with no BCS appearances. Don't compare Urban and Hoke.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Brady frickin JOKE!! Nice recruiting year for 2011. Could have hired this LOSING coach 45 days ago and had a little bit of time for recruiting by the Feb 4 deadline. He couldn't even win the Mid American Conference for gods sake! How much time will Michigan fans give him and use the excuse "well, he is playing with Dickrod's players". It is sad when Northwestern is deemed a better fit!! ha............

Anonymous said...

No offense G$, but Drew is pwning you today..

I wasn't thrilled when JT was hired, but that's just because I had no clue who he was. His resume and speech to introduce himself made it a LOT easier to accept him. The greatest season in OSU history in year 2 didn't hurt either!

Michigan fans have to be the biggest pussies in the world. Half the reason Rrod failed is because all the old timers whined that he wasn't a Michigan man and that it was a culture clash. He had waay too much off the field stuff to worry about. Now they get a Michigan man and they still bitch! I can't wait to see Rrod go to a shit school like Clemson and dominate. Its going to be great.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Urban vs Hoke is a TERRIBLE comparison. Whoever brought that up is a TERRIBLE person.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Lets not forget that Urban had an offense that was unique to him and that had not been seen or stopped by many. From the sound of it, Hoke runs the same offense half the country runs.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Ace- don't hate on the hire because of one player (Denard). Denard should be moved to DB or a slot receiver. Hiring a coach just because he will use Denard at QB is just asinine.

Dut

GMoney said...

Why are you even arguing this with me? I made it clear to everyone that I know more about college football than you do. This is no different.

Urban = MAC-MWC-BCS job
Hoke = MAC-MWC-BCS job

It is that simple. It can be done. All great coaches get started in the MAC AKA SEC North. Drew doesn't pwn shit.

GMoney said...

Can we please laugh at the fucking tardbilly who actually thinks that Tom Bradley would be a good hire? That guy wouldn't get hired by Eastern Michigan. Fucking 'tard.

Mr. Ace said...

Dut, that's not what I said. Not even close to what I said. Seems like Denard loves Michigan and it would be hard for him to leave. But if Denard does transfer then the flood gates will open. But if Denard is gone then Devin Gardner is our only scholarship QB left...Tate is gone.

Brady Hoke is muff cabbage.

Anonymous said...

In defense of Ace, a good coach would come in and put the offense on the field that best suits his talent and, therefore, gives him the best chance to win. With the current players, that may be a spread attach with Denard. If Hoke is indeed blindly committed to running only his offense, Michigan will be in the same position it was 3 years ago by running an offense that it does not fit its talent. What I am trying to say is that Michigan should pray Hoke is like Tressel in that he runs the offense most suitable for his current talent, which will give him the best chance at winning.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

You're comparing Hoke to Urban. For all you know Tom Bradley is the next Saban. I would take Bradley over Hoke 10 out of 10 times.

Don't build up a strawman because you are going full retard in the comments today.

Drew said...

Unless Gardner is a lot better than any of us realize..and maybe he is since he really didn't play last year...Denard has to stay at QB. The ball must stay in his hands until he gets hurt again.

Comparing Urban to Hoke is like comparing the Lakers to the Cavs.

Anonymous said...

The Detroit Free Press brought up a good point that Hoke will have an opportunity to "pull a Tressel" tonight. By that they mean, show up at the OSU vs. UM home basketball game on the night you were hired and say you are going to beat OSU.

I would imagine he will say something tonight at the game. It would be ballsy to say something about OSU, though, because at least Ohio State had talent when Tressel arrived. Michigan is nearly a bare cupboard on defense.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

If Hoke shows up at the game and speaks he better fucking guarantee a victory next year in the Big House over the fuckeyes. Seriously. I would be pissed if he backed away from saying we would beat our rivals.

Drew said...

Strut...

Ironically, RR had the same opportunity. The first basketball game after his hire was OSU and he spoke at half-time. It was pretty funny as a few hundred Buckeye students made the trip up and we're chanting "Tressel" throughout his speech and had a banner with how many days it had been since Michigan last beat us....those days are still going. I was there and RR said nothing about OSU. Somehow, Michigan won that basketball game though.

GMoney said...

http://cfn.scout.com/2/1038727.html

These guys like it. These guys also saw the Urban parallel like another college football expert that runs this site. These guys mentioned that Pete Carroll wasn't a popular hire either.

I don't get all the negative reaction right now. This is why Michigan is a horrible job and the fans are horrible fans. They are already digging this guy's grave one day into the job.

Drew said...

Hell Yeah G$...the web-site that you just used to support your opinion is the same web-site that in their ND preview this year said that Matt James was going to be one of the key additions to the team this year....WHEN HE HAD BEEN DEAD FOR MONTHS.

Get the fuck out of here today. Let the big boys talk about big boy college football.

Anonymous said...

Drew 5 G$ 0

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Ummmm, have you ever heard of hilarious comedy? Clearly, that Matt James reference was a way to point and laugh at Notre Dame for signing dead kids.

I know more about college football. I have proof of that. You know nothing. I also have proof of that, too.

Mr. Ace said...

Next time use a respected source like Bleacher Report to back up your argument...

GMoney said...

Basically, smart people that get paid to talk about and write about college football like this hire. Just like me. Dipshits with a keyboard and a TV hate it because they know very little about the game other than the SEC is superior to all. I am on the smart side of this argument. Hell, I'm on the smart side of every argument.

How has Gene Chizik worked out for Auburn by the way (and his head coaching resume was HORRIFIC before Auburn)? Eat my shit after you get done teabagging me.

Mr. Ace said...

Congrats on having the same opinion as every other person who only gets their information from ESPN.

Not even taking the Chizik bait. The two don't even compare.

The hire sucks. The process sucked. There were too many better options that weren't even looked at. It's over. Hoke can succeed and Michigan will give him every opportunity to do so. Dave Brandon punked everybody and now has you retards thinking he did the best he could.

Drew said...

Oh yeah...lots of people like the hire...so far here I've seen...

Your dumb ass.

NW Wolverine with a whiny post that sounded like some 8 yr old child who doesn't like people making fun of his team and his team can do no wrong.

Old Man Winter.

And a web-site that thinks mummies play football.

Big difference with Chizik...Hoke isn't goign to have an open check book to go buy JUCO players like Fairley and Newton. Also, Chizik was widely viewed across the country as one of, if not the best defensive coordinators in the country with his work at Auburn and Texas.

The Iceman said...

It's a good hire. He coached at Michigan when they had a defense. He understands the importance of beating OSU. He plans on bringing defense back to Michigan. What's the problem? I would take Lou Holtz's stuttering ass if it meant Michigan doesn't give up 40 points a game. Make sure you remember how much Ace hated this hire. He'll be the first one chugging Hoke's semen when he starts winning games. And anything Drew says doesn't count. He's just regurgitating everything Colin Cowherd says.

Anonymous said...

G$ said "Eat my shit after you get done teabagging me."

G$,
I did not know you considered someone being subordinate to you by putting their balls in your face/mouth. This proves that you are gay. While I do not think I will be the one eating your shit (its just not my thing), how would you like to be teabagged, just in case anyone takes you up on the offer. I reccomend the person who does it runs on a treadmill in a sauna for 45 minutes before the teabagging.

-Lil' Strut

Drew said...

Strut...nice catch. G$ is on fire today...if being on fire means hitting a baseball like Gerald Laird.

Iceman...unlike you, I don't listen to Cowherd. Why? Because I learned a couple years ago that he was completely full of shit and his views were retarded. So, why subject myself to that? For some reason dopes like yourself still do though.

The Iceman said...

Funny, you don't listen to Cowherd yet most of the shit you write on here mimics what he thinks. I'd rather listen to Cowherd than think and write like Cowherd. Go back to what you're good at...like sticking your dick in your Brutus the Buckeye blow up doll.

Drew said...

So, you listen to him because you don't like what he says? Is that why you suck cock and fuck dude's ass-holes even though everyone tells you are a dumb faggot for doing it?

The Iceman said...

I listen to Cowherd because it's literally the only sports talk show that comes in while I'm driving to work...not because I enjoy his show.

Your sexual advances won't work on me Drew. Like I said...go release your sexual frustrations by fucking your blowup doll. It's made of plastic so she can't tell you no like real women do.

GMoney said...

Sounds like Drew wants to be a Michigan fan.

As far as the teabagging usage goes, the way I said it sounds better than "dumb people will teabag me". That sounds like an open invitation for anyone that I'm opening a Dunkin' Nuts on my moneymaker. I am not. So saying that you will teabag me is an implication that you enjoy wearing my dong as an upside down Roman helmet. Are we clear?

I guess to sum up my thoughts, I think that this is a really solid hire based on what he has accomplished at two really shitty programs. He just got a job at the landfill and has his work cut out for him because his co-workers (the fans) are all assholes. But I think that he has the chops to be successful. And in the end, none of us know if it will work out. But we do know that Li'l Strut fucks dude butts.

Drew said...

What's successful G$? Because, if your answer isn't.."Beating Ohio State consistently and going after National Championships"...then you don't know what Michigan should be looking for.

Brady Hoke will factor into the national championship race around the same time Iceman realizes that when his caretaker is driving him to his job bagging groceries he can actually change the radio station by pushing a button.

GMoney said...

"Successful" for Michigan should be holding opponents under 40. Baby steps.

And remember, I know more about college football than all of you.

The Iceman said...

Drew will be knowledgeable about Michigan football when he realizes that when I say "literally the only sports talk show that comes in while I'm driving to work" means I would rather listen to something sports related...no matter who it is...than the collection of Miley Cyrus CDs Drew blasts on his way to his second shift job at McDonald's cleaning toilets.

Keep in mind that Hoke turned those programs around with 2 and 3 star recruits. When you coach at Michigan you get 4 and 5 star recruits. That's going to make a huge difference.

Drew said...

G$...You said he has "almost overnight" been able to turnaround programs. It took him FIVE years to get to a 7-6 season at Ball State..then the next year they were good. So, in eight years of head coaching he's had two good years....yeah...he deserves the keys to Michigan.

The Iceman said...

We'll know a lot more about Brady Hoke after tonight...or at least I will anyway.

GMoney said...

Jesus, are we still going to do this?

*Ball State, if not for Eastern, is the worst program in the MAC and has been for awhile. It takes a little time for a rookie coach to get things going.

*Once he had some coaching experience, he took an Aztec program that won 7 games total in 3 years with Chuck Long to a 4 win season and then to (I think) a 9 win season this year.

*"Almost" is a vague term used purposely for my argument's sake.

*Again, I know more about college football than all of you.

The Iceman said...

Hoke tweeted about an hour ago, "318 days. Go Blue." I already like Hoke more than I ever liked DickRod.

Anonymous said...

Iceman- didn't you learn your lesson about the "at xx place he got 2 and 3 star recruits.. Now he'll get 4-5 star recruits at Michigan"? I heard that when Rrod was hired... Howd that pan out?

I hope the retarded Michigan fans boo his ass at the game tonight.

Sign me up for teabagging G$.. That way him and She$ would have something in common that you can talk about!

Dut

Anonymous said...

I'll bet while he was at Miami (OH)you let Mike Haywood donkey punch you, didn't you, G$? Thats how he got so good at it.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Good commenting day...I just wish that 90% of the comments weren't horrible, unfunny, or written by Dut.

I never realized that Brady Hoke was such a polarizing figure.

The Iceman said...

How did that pan out? Recruiting wise...pretty well. He got the athletes. All 3 years DickRod was at Michigan...top 15 in recruiting.
2008 - 13th
2009 - 10th
2010 - 14th
His last 2 years at WVU? Not even in the top 25 in recruiting. Obviously the problem at UM was coaching (DickRod himself and Greg Robinson), not lack of athletes. As much as Fuckeye fans want to say that Michigan isn't a school kids want to play for anymore the proof is above. No matter who the coach is, Michigan still gets top athletes. So I say again...if Hoke can turn around middle of the pack programs with middle of the pack athletes...I'm excited to see what he can do with the recruiting power of Michigan.

GMoney said...

By the way, if any of you guys were smart, you would print up "HOKE-AMANIA" t-shirts and ripoff-able tank tops and sell the shit out of them.