Thursday, January 13, 2011

The 2010-2011 Cleveland Cavaliers: Optical Suicide

This is not breaking news but I'm going to say it anyway:  the Cleveland Cavaliers are fucking terrible.  This may be the worst team in NBA history when the regular season finally comes to a merciful end.  It is extremely painful to watch the product that they put on the floor on a nightly basis.  I am shocked that Byron Scott hasn't quit yet.  I try to watch this team still but I can usually only get to about the first timeout in the second quarter before I have to flip the channel.  It's just too awful.  Let's do a quick rundown of what is making this season so (possibly) historic:

-Have currently lost 21 of 22 games (thank you, Knicks!)
-Anderson Varejao, one of the few likeable players, just got hurt for the rest of the year
-Mo Williams sucks
-JJ Hickson was supposed to be the future but he shows up to play once every four games
-are currently starting MANNY HARRIS
-are currently starting ALONZO GEE
-are currently giving sizeable minutes to CHRISTIAN EYENGA and SAMARDO SAMUELS
-will probably not win 5 games the rest of the season
-should see if anyone wants Mo and/or Antawn Jamison
-would lose to a team of McDonald's High School All-Americans
-will likely sell about 5 or 6 season ticket packages next year

Anyone who thought that this team was going to be any good this year was either blind, naive, or handicapped.  I know that I didn't.  I may not have seen THIS coming, but I knew that they were lottery bound.  And I knew that after five years of embarrassing opponents with stupid dancing and gestures, payback was a-comin'.  Holy shit did it ever come.

But I pressed on.  Over the last five years, you would not find a more interesting game on the NBA schedule than a Cavs/Lakers game.  Eventhough the two teams are polar opposites now, I checked in on it on Tuesday night (after finishing the sensational premiere episode of Lights Out).  There was 4 minutes and change left in the third quarter and the Cavs were getting slightly beaten 78-31.  The Cavs had 31 points after 31 minutes of basketball.  I watched the rest of the third quarter partly laughing at how bad this team is but more depressed at what they used to be and how it's all over (and will remaing "over" for a few years).  The final was 112-57.  And it wasn't even THAT close.  When your team gets DRILLED that badly, normally I just shrug it off.  But look who's back with his villainous smack talk.

OK.  God dammit that is enough.  You did your damage now let us be.  Let me tell you a story here.  For my money, The Shield is the greatest TV show that I've ever seen.  It was gritty, it was dirty, it was balls to the was amazing.  One on story arch, the detectives were trying to track down "The Cuddler Rapist".  This guy would break into homes of women of ALL ages, rape them, but then hang around for a few hours and cuddle with them.  In one of the episodes, an old lady who was a victim stated that the rape she could handle, but it was the cuddling that broke her down.  It truly is some sick shit.  Could you imagine that?  That would be awful.  Imagine that you are in prison for some reason and you have a big biker roommate.  He has his way with you every night and then wants to spoon.  I shudder at the thought (of all of it homo).  And that is what made this TV deviant stand out to me.  It wasn't just about getting his rocks off.  It was about the humiliation of his victim when it was over.  Are you following me here?

Let me make it clearer for the dense:  let's say that I finally grow tired of Ace ruining Wednesday and I take action.  I follow Left Eye's lead and burn his house down rendering him homeless and living in a tent in front of the rubble that used to be his lair.  And then every few weeks I drive by to laugh at him and remind him that I was the one who made this happen.  Now do you see?  The initial action was bad enough but the follow-up dick moves are just wrong.

Look, #6 is never coming back.  I'm aware of that and I've moved on.  He completely bombed the Cavs franchise back to the stone age with his charity drive with Jim Gray.  But whatever.  What I don't like are these occasional barbs like the tweet above where he continues to pour salt into the wound that everyone is trying like Hell to close.  But he doesn't want that apparently.  He wants all Clevelanders to keep feeling like shit.  He keeps hanging around and reminding us of what he did.  And that is the part that is just wrong.  This is starting to go beyond his desire to play the role of the villain.  Now it's getting to the point where he is just an asshole and a dickhead.

I am glad that he believes in karma though.  He won't be surprised then when his plane crashes in Fenway Park.  God is going to watch that and laugh!  It's bad enough that I have to watch the Cavs (eye rape), I don't really need (nor do I think I deserve) to have to snuggle with a 6'8" black guy while I do it.

Where is that crying gay guy who did the youtube Britney video when you need him?  LEAVE CAVS FANS ALONE!  LEAVE THEM ALONE!

And people wonder why I fucking loathe Terrelle Pryor.  It's because he is cut from the same douchey cloth as #6.  Prima donnas can get fucked.


Drew said...

If it makes you feel any better he sprained his ankle and the Heat lost to the Clippers last night.

He and D-Wade are definitely Co-MVP's of the league right now though.

Grumpy said...

If the owner had kept his mouth shut, you wouldn't be getting the constant reminders.

GMoney said...

Co-MVP? I think not. The MVP is Manny Harris. Or Amare.

Grump, I wouldn't be so sure about that. #6 is an asshole.

Anonymous said...

JJ Sullinger is gonna look good in a Cavs uniform next year.

Anyone listen to Common Man and the Torg last night? They played clips of Brady Hoke's presser and threw in clips of Chris Farley's SNL stuff. It was hilarious. Hoke sounds identical to Farley.


Anonymous said...

LeBron says his tweet had nothing to do with the Cavs..


Drew said...

G$...Maybe you should just become a die-hard Buckeye basketball fan the rest of the year since the Cavs suck. The Bucks will be the # 1 team in the country on Monday.

GMoney said...

Oh goodie! Beating Zack Novak by 4 points = best team ever! Who cares...wake me when they lose in March.

Of course The Cuddler Rapist took it back, he has no backbone and is a dickless faggot. Nice job losing to the Clippers, queer.

Sullinger would look good in wine and gold though. Stern owes the Cavs a "frozen envelope" anyway for allowing that collusion to happen this summer.

Anonymous said...

G$, At least you and your boy Lebron can always cheer for Yankees together. He has much love for them.

Dut, I will be glad to go to Cleveland to watch the first round of the NCAA long as I don't work.


GMoney said...

Oh great, this blog has now become a dating site for Dut and Lange to finally get together.

Anonymous said...

Even though I hate Lebron and what he did and blah blah blah, you have to admit that most Cleveland Cavs fans deserve what's happening this year. It's retribution for being queer fuckin fans. Cavs fans should've been more greatful for what they had and less asshole-ish when it came to proclaiming the Cavs "the best team in the NBA/universe" when they had won jack shit up to that point.

For the last 3 years I had Cavs fans trying to start fights with me over a team they never even followed until Lebron made the entire roster matter with his disgusting skill set. Wait until you win something first before you morph into mega-prick. Oh yeah, and just like I predicted...J.J. Hickson is a fraud and in less than 1 year the Cavs lost 3/4 of their fan base.

GMoney said...

Remember when Boobie Gibson went off in game 6 and sent the Pistons home? That was awesome. WOOOOOO CAVZ #1!!! WE ARE THE GREATEST FRANCHISE EVER!!!

JJ has the talent but his head sucks.

Anonymous said...

Best record to worst record. I can't think of a single fan base or NBA team that deserves this more. Basketball's easy when you have Lebron getting triple teamed every time down the court! Now go sink back into mediocrity, Hickson.

Tony B. said...

LBJ is a piece of shit. I hope karma comes back to cuddle rape him at some point.

"JJ has the talent but his head sucks." I also heard that his BJ technique is pretty bad.