Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Please Don't Make Me Hate You, Derek Jeter

Tim Riggins would play for a case of beer.
Look, I fucking love Derek Jeter.  He is the consummate professional.  He plays the game the right way.  He plays every day.  I would want my unborn imaginary daughter to marry a guy like him.  Total class.  But he is fucking way off base on this one.

We all know that he is a free agent.  The Yankees offered what I feel is a very deal of 3 years for 45 million.  Sure, it's way too much for a guy coming off of the worst contract year of all time, but I get it.  He is the face of the franchise.  He sheds a positive light on the organization and you rarely ever hear anyone say that they don't respect him.  15 million is ridiculous when you really look at it, but for the Yankees, it makes sense.  If the Tigers offered Jeter that much, it would be indefensible.  But they aren't going to do that because you would be stupid to tie up that large of a chunk of the budget on a 37 year old shortstop with limited range and pop.

Jeter and his agent are apparently insulted by this offer.  Reports suggest that he wants 5 years at 23 million per year.  That better not be true.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  Why would the Yankees even think about this?  Look, this isn't George's team anymore.  The boys are going to start running the team as a business.  No longer will the blank checks be given out to the veterans.  This is no longer going to be just one big fantasy baseball team.  And I applaud that.  The Yankees already gave Jeter his bank ten years ago.  That was after he won 4 titles in 5 years by the way.  He brought one in the decade of that 200 million dollar contract.

And what exactly is his leverage here?  This mythical pursuit by the Reds, Mets, and/or Red Sox?  None of those teams are giving him 45 million.  Just sign the fucking deal, Derek.  No one likes a greedy asshole and this reeks of greed.

I want to give Derek the benefit of the doubt here because he has been a great Yankee, but this grandstanding needs to end.  Suck it up and take the fucking pay cut.  Very few of us are on your side, Jeter.  Just sign the fucking contract and pray that the people who give out Gold Gloves continue to ignore your insane lack of range.  And we all want three more years of backbreaking double plays!

I would do horrible things to Minka Kelly.  Sorry, Buddy Garrity.  And I will mutilate her if you sign with another team because you are butthurt over 15 million a year.

Do You Miss Us Yet, Number 6?

Pure class.
Who isn't loving this?  The BFF's in Miami are a freaking mess.  Now I said a few weeks ago that this wasn't the year that they were going to win a ring anyway, but I didn't expect their early failures to be this delicious.  They're arguing.  Wade and LeBortion have no on-court chemistry at all.  They have the worst frontcourt in the league.  Their coach has one foot out the door already.  It's awesome.

And nothing beats seeing our favorite #6 giving Coach Spo a shoulder smash the other night.  Talk about respect!  And that was followed by Spo calling out #6 to the media.  OUTSTANDING!  At this pace, this "dynasty" will last about as long as George O'Leary's tenure at Notre Dame.

Deep down, I think that he knows that this was a huge mistake.  That makes me smile.  He knows damn well that he hadn't lost 8 games in a season until January when he was in Ohio and it's eating him alive to see that this Big Three is doomed.  DOOMED, I tells ya!

I can't even begin to describe how fucking large my fan-boner is for Thursday night.  Who isn't going to watch this?  Don't you want to see Gilbert's reaction?  All the boo's?  Will someone run on the court with a knife?  Will they cheer Big Z?  Would a Cavs win be one of the best moments of the year (yes, it would, and you should ALL be pulling for this)?  I damn near started bawling when we beat Boston on opening night due to how proud I was, but this would take it to a whole other level.

I'm talking about losing all bodily control.  When Mo Williams hits a "mo-flo" at the buzzer to beat Miami, I will cry, sneeze, cough, cry some more, ejaculate, piss, shit, and bleed all at the same time.  It will be that great.  THAT FUCKING GREAT.

In conclusion, the Heat can fist a goat.  I don't care if the Cavs lose every game for the rest of the year (possible), JUST WIN ON THURSDAY.

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Worst Of Week Twelve Vol.IV

Gordon Gee is only the third biggest homo in this picture.
Listen up, idiots.  Just because Boise State's kicker decided to deepthroat himself on Friday night, that does not make E. Gordon Gee right.  It just doesn't.  And you know this.  Unless you are as dumb as Strut who believes that the Broncos could not beat anyone in the top 15, you know that BSU is very good.  But it didn't work out for them this year.  Oh well.  They weren't going to get to the title game anyway.  The WAC should be furious at their terrible officials (that muffed punt in the 3rd quarter was a rotten no-call as were the numerous PI's against Boise).  Way to cost your employer tens of millions of dollars, zebras.  But back to Gee and his unqualified comments, what does that whole "little sisters of the poor" thing mean anyway?  Does anyone know?  Is that like a nun college or something?  That makes no sense and I think that that term is only used by people over the age of 50.  We need something fresh and new and actually makes sense.  Can we call playing against a weak schedule "playing against a Greg Robinson coached defense"?  That seems to fit better and is siginificantly more relevant.

And if Geek wants to run his mouth some more, maybe he should look at his team.  They didn't beat anyone with less than 5 losses this season.  No one took advantage of the "Greg Robinson coached defenses" of college football better than the Buckeyes.  And that is a fact, you bow-tie-wearing faggot.  But I don't want to keep harping on college football and stepping all over Mr. Ace's chunky toes.  So let's quit while I'm way ahead and start focusing on the NFL or as it should be known after yesterday, "Torry Holt Destroys the NFL".

*Commenter Dut - I get a text from Dut on Thursday asking if I'm watching the CBS pregame show.  I was en route to my parents house so I wasn't.  He told me that James Brown and Boomer were bawling after some piece on Chris Henry and they couldn't speak.  I immediately called them fags for crying over that truck-surfing shitstack.  But then I went to youtube and watched the segment and, god dammit, that was one great story.  I don't know if professional football talkers should be openly weeping over it (didn't they watch it before they aired it???), but it was well done by CBS.  So fuck you, Dut, for making me think that this was going to be lame.  On second thought...

*Organ receivers - Would you even want Chris Henry's body parts?  I don't think that I would.  Those who got his shit were at the top of the donor list, right?  I would just tell them that the guy behind me can have his heart.  I'm good.  If you took Henry's kidney or something, was the first thing that you did when leaving the hospital was to pick up a sixer of Smirnoff Ice and head to the nearest middle school?  I bet it was.  Even after death, his body still wants to be inside little girls.

*Alphonso Smith - That guy couldn't cover me.  And since I'm just a little bit worse of an NFL player than Deion Branch, that makes perfect sense.

*Lions Defense - Nobody racks up more stupid personal fouls penalties.  I love The Schwartz but his team has no discipline at all.

*Reggie Bush - Completely worthless.  He was the Cowboys MVP on Thursday.

*Roy E. Williams - And he was the Saints MVP.

*Jason Garrett - Seriously?  A 59 yard field goal with a crappy kicker?  Look, I'm no coach although I assume that I would be great at it, but aren't the odds much better to get a 4th and 10 over a miracle kick?  Don't get me wrong, I love watching the Cowboys fail miserably and choke on nuts, but this was just stupid.

*The Bengals - They suck.  Enough said.

*Jake Delhomme/John Kasay - It's hard to say who was worse out of these two old fucks.  Kasay blew the win but Delhomme managed to play the Panthers to within one point which is inexcusable.  Oh wait a minute, I know who sucked the most out of this game...

*Torry Holt - Worst.  Commentator.  Ever.  He made Theismann look like Herbstreit.  God, he was awful.  Fox thought that they could hide him behind a shitty game but that was impossible.  Between his "ax", "athletic-sism", and "my favorite part of his game is that he loves football", this was just ear-rape.  Yeah, Torry, because no one else loves football.  Gotcha.  Please learn how to talk.  For the first time in my life, I felt bad for Chris Rose.

*Redskins - Lost to the Vikings.  Hurt Adrian Peterson.  Whatever.  This team stopped making any sense to me 6 weeks ago.

*Chris Johnson/Rusty Smith - Pathetic.  The Titans might not win a game the rest of the year.

*Good games - Don't really have any hate for the Packers, Falcons, Giants, and Jags.  Although I'm beginning to think that Green Bay and Atlanta are shoe-in's for the NFC title game.

*The Steelers - Way to take the Bills to overtime, turds.  Just awful.  James Harrison still doesn't realize that you can't launch yourself at the QB's head.  He is very intelligent.

*Steve Johnson - HOW DID YOU DROP THAT TOUCHDOWN PASS IN OVERTIME, YOU NON-DESCRIPT ASSHOLE!  Those fags were beaten by a shitty team.  Goddammit, the Steelers are lame.

*Andre Johnson - If you are going to get ejected for fighting, THAT is how you do it.  I never realized how much Cortland Finnegan looks like Pauly D.

*Darren McFadden - He got out-rushed by Jacoby Ford.  Fuck that.

*The Eagles defense - Shredded by Jay Cutler, huh?  Awful.  I have come to the decision that betting against the Bears is pointless.  We all know that they aren't good yet somehow they keep winning...and being more impressive by the week.  I'll just hold off on betting against them until the playoffs I suppose.

*Kyle Orton - The King of Garbage Time needs to sit.  Give Tebow a chance to fail.  What does Josh McDaniels have to lose?  He's going to get fired after the season anyway.

Uh, I think that's all I've got today.  I can't wait for tonight's snoozefest.  My favorite part is the ESPN commercial with Jaws and Loudmouth trying to convince me that the Cards and Niners are interesting.  You guys have terrible jobs!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Game

(That is fucking greatness)

In three days the Scarlet and Gay will host the Maize and Blue in what is universally accepted as the greatest rivalry in all of sport. There is no reason for me to talk about anything else going on in college football, but feel free to bring up whatever you want in the comments.

Where do I even begin with this one? After watching Michigan's bi-polar episode against Wiscy, I can only hope that we bring our second half offense in of the first. My Michigan fan soul was officially crushed when we lost to Penn State. After a couple less than impressive wins, my soul was regaining its strength for the stretch run. But then my soul was obliterated by the drubbing Wiscy put on us.

After all the ups and down of this year, and the enormous difference between my raging offense boner and super flaccid defense dong, I just don't care. I know all you Fuckeyes will come out and say that I don't care because the team sucks and I know they are going to lose and all Fuckeyes are fucking awesome because they are Fuckeyes. Whatever, I'm truly emotionally detached from this game.

I assume most of the people that read this are degenerate gamblers so it is safe to assume that several of you have played the lotto before. I never have, but I have thrown $5 down on a ten pick parlay many a time. Well that is exactly how I feel about this game right now. My gambling account is down to $5 and I'm throwing a Hail Mary parlay, knowing full well that my odds are 120-1 for a reason. If I hit this 120-1 Hail Mary will I lose my mind? You bet your ass.

Will I lose my fucking mind and face fuck the nearest Fuckeye if we win? Fuck yes. Would you lose your fucking mind if you won the lotto? Fuck yes. That's basically what this game is for me. It's a longshot that won't ruin my day if we don't win, but the potential reward of the win is enough to keep me involved, even if only slightly involved.

I guess at this point I should make some sort of prediction and state what I hope DickRod will do, but know he won't. So....RichRod, I know you are reading this. All I have to say is, BOMB-THE FUCK-AWAY! Offense, defense, special teams, locker room, whatever, balls out. It seems like the last several weeks the offense has came out conservative and that simply can't happen against the Fuckeyes. I need the ball thrown down the field early and consistently. I need Denard in open space. I need to see several fake QB draw and throw to the wide open WR down the seem plays...which I haven't seen for several weeks for some reason.

That's really all that matters. The Fuckeyes are going to do what they have to do to stay one score ahead, so Tressel-ball may likely rear its ugly head. The Fuckeyes will score at will. I hope that the blitz will be dialed up non-stop to force Pryor into quick decisions, but that would make way to much sense for our defensive coordinator to comprehend. DickRod has to open it up and open it up early for Michigan to have any chance.

How about a prediction? The last time I really wanted the Fuckeyes to lose I predicted they would beat the shit out of Wiscy. I plan on invoking that exact same type of jinx today. The Fuckeyes dominate. Pryor has 4 total TD's and puts himself back atop the Heisman race. Posey has 180+ yards receiving, that one honkey adds another 150. Denard Robinson will throw 3 interceptions and lose one fumble, but be responsible for 3 TD's. The defense will give up over 450 yards...in the first half. The Fuckeyes will win 34-21, only because Tressel can't bring himself to turn Pryor lose in the fourth quarter.

Fire Greg Robinson.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Curious Case of B. Hastings

Does Buscemi listen to Slayer?
It's been awhile since I've written one my world famous long-winded posts about the past.  But since I'm currently sitting in Oxford, OH waiting for tonight's Miami/Temple football game, I think it's time for another story.

Every school has one.  The hanger-on who nobody really likes but is tolerable in small doses.  The sort of guy that you can take advantage of and will give you money if you need it without ever asking about getting it back.  The sort of chap that adds absolutely nothing to your group but can be exploited if necessary.  For the class one year older than me (and Iceman can confirm this), that guy was Hastings.  We're going to just leave it as Hastings for privacy reasons but I may reference him later under one of his many aliases (Stacks, Stinger, Waste of Life, Faggot, Slaps, etc.).

The story of Stacks can't be told until you learn why he is so infamous.  And when it comes to gaining notoriety, this is how you achieve it.  In middle school, Stacks got into a bit of trouble during 8th grade science class.  He was sent to the office.  Why, you ask?  Oh, he was just doing what every sensible kid does in the middle of school...masturbating.  In class.  He always denied it claiming that he was just simulating jerking off but no one ever believed it.  The dude was stroking himself while the teacher (who was an old guy) discussed plankton.  So as you can probably imagine, that is a tough label to shed.

Stinger became sort of a running joke throughout the school system.  Which makes sense.  He was ostracized.  No one wanted to be seen talking to a chicken choker after all.  Well, three years later we find ourselves on the same football team.  As upperclassmen are wont to do, they try to make shithead sophomores do stupid shit that could be considered hazing.  I remember telling Hastings to go fuck himself and then making the wanking motion at him more than a few times.  This obviously did not make us BFF's.  You know, instead of just getting to the meat of the post, how about I give you a quick laundry list of Slappy fun facts:

*Was one of those idiots who thought that 2Pac was still alive
*Most definitely took steroids
*Which was funny because he was 5'4" and really sucked at football
*Owned a wide variety of tank tops and cut-off t-shirts including a yellow Hulkamania shirt
*Was a Bills fan
*Tried to get Slayer played in the weight room and was denied upon every request
*Drove a Fiero
*Had really weird hair...it appeared to be Kelly Bundy bleach-blonde but sort of surfer-y and very dyke-y
*There was nothing funnier than when he got really pissed.  It was like when Hulk Hogan used to get jacked up and started snorting and shit while his opponent was punching his face to no avail.  It was hilarious.

So with that being said, let's fast forward to the juicy shit.  His senior year (my junior year) our team was rotten.  No one liked anyone.  We hated all of the Seniors and they hated us.  I remember one team meal the night before a game when the two classes damn near started a huge brawl in the parking lot.  It was awesome.  But during two-a-days (cringing at the thought of those), something set Stinger off.  I would assume that it was something hilarious like me or someone else calling him out for beating his geek, but I don't remember.  Either way, he quit the team.  He didn't show up for the morning session of practice which I remember myself thinking was amusing.  I was an asshole, you see.  But after about 30 minutes into the afternoon hot-as-fuck practice, here comes old #56 running back onto the field in full pads.  Everyone stopped.  WE GAVE HIM THE FUCKING "RUDY" SLOW CLAP!  I can't even describe how unintentionally funny this moment was.

I never stopped fucking with this guy, by the way.  We were all just looking forward to the season being over with and had a week 8 or 9 game against a school that Ben Roethlisberger doesn't necessarily claim as his own anymore.  Now, and I remember this VERY vividly, we used to run out of the locker room and jump on each other before going to the bench like you see a lot of teams still doing.  Iceman would run out last and try to pretty much crowd-surf on the rest of the team.  I, as well as the former hottest bartender in Columbus, would be right in front of him attempting the same feat.  Since I have no ups, it usually resulted in me nearly breaking someone's neck.  But on the night in question, I decided that I wanted to embarrass Hastings.  And how would I do that?

I crushed him.  I still laugh when I think about it.  Hell, I'm laughing now.  He was standing there waiting for the team to "break" and here I come running as fast as I can from 30 yards away.  I drilled him in the back as hard as I could with my full force.  He went flying like a rag doll into about 4-5 teammates.  If that was during a game, it would have been a 90 yard clipping penalty, that is how good of a shot it was.  He got up and was snorting mad.  He found me and HBC laughing hysterically at him but Stacks didn't do anything.  It was such an asshole move on my part but what can I say, it was goddamn funny.  If I remember correctly, you could see the blindside of the century on the gamefilm.  It was glorious.  Seriously, who takes a cheap shot on his own teammate while running out of the locker room?  Apparently it's THIS GUY, Jon Gruden!

After football season ended, Stacks and I ended up in the same Sports Nutrition class (easiest class ever).  Lo and behold, we were assigned the same "kitchen".  We actually got along alright and I'll freely admit that he isn't a bad guy, he just really sucks.  And he got caught beating off in middle school.  I can't tell you how many times I asked him if he washed his hands before class.

One day though, he brought in a list.  No, not just any list.  It was his "People To Kill" list.  I clocked in at #3 behind the Pietsch brothers.  I was flattered.  I was the Boise State of Hastings Hate.  Today, if someone did something like that they would shut the school down.  I just laughed and called him a pussy while reminding him that 2Pac was being eaten by maggots.  But I'm still proud of that...and I don't think that there was any chance in Hell that I could have passed one of the Pietsch's.  Man, he hated those two!

I don't think that I've seen ol' Haystacks since he graduated high school in 1998.  It's probably for the best though since he is likely still a douchebag while I'm cooler than shit and run a hip blog.  About a year ago, I noticed that he was on Facebook so I requested his friendship.  He accepted and then removed me from his friends list about a week later.  Hilarious.  That must be his revenge for the "Clip From Hell".  I've tried a few other times to be his "friend" and have been ignored each time.  Whatever.  But from glancing at his page, you've got to respect a man whose "interests" are "Linsey Dawn McKenzie, Delotta Brown, Carmen Hayes, Ashley Sage Ellison, and Brandy Talore".  And that's it.  So if you search for Hastings on Facebook, the only thing that you know is that he loves adult models with huge natural hangers.  Hilarious again.  He's clearly still fond of stroking his cock.  Hopefully, he doesn't feel the need to do it at middle schools though.

Wherever you are these days, Stacks, let it be known that I regret nothing and you still suck dicks.  You made terrible food in Sports Nutrition anyway.  Probably because you jerked off in it.  Blow it out your ass, #56.  Hastings is gay.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Worst of Week Eleven Vol.IV

He looks like a cross between The Common Man and Patrick Duffy.  And I hate him.
If you have watched any amount of TV recently, you probably have noticed an annoying as shit scroll across the top of the screen.  Apparently, Time Warner is doing what they do best and that's shitting all over their customers.  Now I don't subscribe to Time Warner because it's expensive, the service sucks, and they have no idea what their customers want.  Really?  You're going to fight with ABC and FOX about broadcasting rights which likely amount to an additional quarter per month on someone's bill?  And why is it always TW pissing and moaning with the networks.  I remember their fights and threats over ESPN and the Big Ten Network.  It was infuriating.  We want to watch fucking TV, god dammit.  You figure out how to make it work without the scrolls and the threats.  And it's such bullshit that TW claims that they are doing this for us.  Fuck that shit.  Consumers don't care if ESPN is going to cost them another dollar on their bill.  You already charge $120+ per month anyway.  What's one more dollar?

I just hate it when companies straight up lie to their customers.  It's ridiculous.  Oh and is anyone else sick and tired of that Papa John guy?  I'd like to punch him in the twat.  Although he makes a damn fine garlic butter dipping sauce.  It's like straight cholesterol.  Anyway, let's get going with the worst of the weekend.  I should probably start not with the Dolphins, but with drunk texter/current commenter Drew for his ridiculous texts from after the Ohio State snooze win over an underachieving Iowa team on Saturday.  They were pretty much telling me to suck it because Pryor was "amazing".  Hmmmmmm, I disagree.  It was just another mediocre performance on the road.  It was.  Deal with it.  Onto week 11:

*Denny Hamlin - Not that anyone cares, but that was one impressive choke job.  But if you knew that he works for Joe Gibbs and is a Redskins fan, you would have saw this coming.  And no, Jimmie Johnson is not an athlete.

*The Bengals - This organization needs an enema from top to bottom.  We all saw what happened in their building yesterday.  After getting up on the worst team in football 28-7, they were outscored from that point on 42-3.  What pride!

*Steve Johnson - Yes, he has turned into a really random stud WR this year but the dude needs a new celebration.  An undershirt with "WHY SO SERIOUS?" on it is gay and lame.  GO BILLS!!!

*Crappy players who didn't get my memo from Friday - Wow.  My words are powerful and awesome.  Ray Rice, Colston, Welk-ah, and Ocho all responded.  They other guys still sucked.  Eat shit, Brandon Marshall.

*The refs in the Lions/Cowboys game - Awful job even if it did mean more pissed off Jim Schwartz shots.  And those are always gold.  It isn't a penalty when you tackle Marion Barber by his fag dreads.  But nevertheless, how does it feel to get buttfucked by Jon Kitna again?

*Brett Favre - Just bench this guy already.  He's done.  He can't even lead the Vikes to garbage time touchdowns anymore.  Sit his ass down.  I said it at The Iceman's site last week and I'll say it again here; sure, Favre gives you a better chance to win (eventhough they are now 3-7), but he sure as shit gives you a great chance to lose miserably, too.  He better lose again in DC next week.  It's sad that we won't get to see Aaron Rodgers embarrass old wrinkly dick anymore though.

*That rotten Houston defense - You've got to admit, the Jets are pretty fun to watch since they have a tendency to play games to the final whistle recently.  That was some horrendous coverage.  Gary Kubiak is going to get shitcanned.  Maybe today.  That would be sweet.  Let this be a lesson to anyone who thought they were a playoff team...never believe in the Texans.

*Jason Campbell - I've watched J-Camp for years.  I know him.  I know how he plays.  And I knew that he had no shot of winning in Pittsburgh.  How that line was only -7, I will never know. 

*Richard Seymour - Every battered women's house in the country had to be fist-pumping when #92 just straight up suckerpunched Big Ben.  I have to admit, that was funny.  And he earned his ejection.

*Colt McCoy - You get six turnovers from Jacksonville and only score 20 points?  He was well past due for one of these type games anyway.  HAHAHAHA the Browns are terrible!  3-7!  What a completely irrelevant team with no future!  No I'm just kidding.  You have a future.  It's filled with seasons beginning with 3-7 starts.

*Vince Young - OK, I don't get the Redskins at all but I had a feeling that this might happen.  Butt raped on Monday.  6 days later they beat a playoff contender on the road.  This makes zero sense.  But it helps that VY got hurt and then pretty much just quit the team.  Or at least that's how it sounds.  Tennessee is done.  Consider it the curse of Randy Moss.

*Troy Smiffffff and the 49ers hope - Yep, this season is officially over.  I don't care that everyone in the NFC West lost.  By the way, Josh Freeman is starting to give me a man-boner.  I kind of like that kid.

*Tom Brady - Is anyone else sick and tired of this guy behaving like a child?  Fuck him.  No one is buying this fiery bullshit that you're trying to sell. 

That will do it for me.  I'm living the dream this week.  I'm on vacation (we will be running dark here Thursday and Friday).  Get a load of this perfect week for "mid-major college sports/drinking with the commentariat/degenerate gambler/inebriated karaoke singer" guy:

M - driving to Oxford for the biiiiiiig RedHawks vs. San Diego State hoops game (along with some of the IUPUI/UWGB game before it)
T - Miami/Temple football game
W - Naptown for the best bar drinking night of the year
R - The tenth (I believe) annual Naptown Wolverine Thanksgiving Night Poker Classic in which he unveils his brand new poker basement
F - Going to the RedHawks/Ohio State basketball game
S - I will take part in the boozing efforts of the Ohio State and Michigan game and that always ends up at Fats in Dublin with some awful drunk karaoke.  It's been a four year tradition.
S - decompressing like a motherfucker

I've already written tomorrow's post, "The Curious Case of B.Hastings".  It's a doozy.  And that's it for me for the week.  Everyone have a good Thanksgiving.  Be thankful that you come to this site.

Friday, November 19, 2010

These Guys Suck

Virgins wear white.  Remember when these three could actually play?
You would think from the title alone that this would be yet another post about the Redskins but it is not.  Recently, Deadspin unleashed their list of the 100 worst players in NFL history.  It's pretty good and not very reactionary at all.  I would argue that Bobby Carpenter is way worse than 97 but that William Green is right where he belongs in the upper half of that list.  Go check it out.  I'm not going to link to it though.  It's Friday and I'm lazy.

It got me thinking though.  Who are the most worthless fantasy players from this season?  I own many of them but is it possible to rank them?  I came up with a top 12 and all of them were likely picked in the first 50 picks of your draft.  Let's dissect these bitches.

12. Pierre Garcon - Slowly but surely, and even with injuries to his teammates, Peyton isn't even looking at this loser anymore.  And why would he?  He drops everything.  He looks like a guy who played at Mount Union right now.

11. Marques Colston - I think that he is the most overrated player in fantasy football.  People treat him like a #1 receiver when he clearly isn't.  Hell, he went the first EIGHT games without a touchdown this season.  But it appears that Breesus is looking at him more now so maybe he turns it around and sees some TD's in the second half.

10. Chad Ochocinco - He's always overrated anyway but T.O. has rendered him irrelevant now.  Palmer, when he isn't chucking picks, doesn't even acknowledge his existence anymore.  I will say this, T.O. might be the most underrated fantasy receiver this year.  Dude has been a stud.

9. The triumverate of shittiness in the Cowboys backfield - We always hear that they are going to unleash this beast of a triple threat in the backfield but Barber, Felix, and Choice end up always sucking.

8. Shonn Greene - I said it before the season that Tomlinson would be the better Jet RB and I was right on with that.  LT has been pretty solid this year though so it makes sense that he's been buried on the bench.  If you spent a 2nd round pick on Greene, you are probably the owner of a bad team.

7. DeAngelo Williams - You shouldn't have expected much from a Panther offensive player this season anyway.  RBs with shitty QBs are worse to own than sickle cell.  At least DeAngelo was nice enough to go on IR this week so you don't have to worry about starting or sitting him every Sunday now.

6. Brandon Marshall - Uggggggggggh.  The guy was awesome in Denver with a terrible offense and now he's in a better place with better players and gets less passes thrown to him than losers like Brian Hartline and Davone Bess.  Miami should be forcing the ball to him every fucking down and letting him kick ass.  Why yes, I am a bitter Marshall owner.

5. Pierre Thomas - Without question, the biggest pussy in the league.  8 weeks ago, Pierre was questionable with an ankle sprain with thoughts that he was a game time decision.  For some reason, he has not played since.  And the Saints doctors have openly stated that they have no idea what is wrong with him.  I hate this guy.  He is 99% bitch and 1% gay guy named Pierre.

4. Matt Schaub - Last year was a fluke.  It is painfully obvious.  He has 12 touchdowns in 9 games and except for his assault on the terrible Redskins in week 2, has been one of the worst fantasy QBs in the league.  And have you seen a picture of this guy?  He looks like a guy who would suck dicks for fun.

3. Ryan Mathews - Everyone wanted this rookie since he was jumping right into the starting lineup on a sick offense.  And then he got hurt.  When he came back, he was extremely average and most definitely not an adequate replacement for Tomlinson.  He should be ashamed for making Dave Ramos clone, Mike Tolbert, into a decent RB2 option this year.

2. Wes Welker - I take back what I said about Colston earlier because Welker is definitely the most overrated player in fantasy football.  He never scores.  People who play in PPR leagues don't matter anyway and I have yet to find a league in which you get rewarded for catching 6 seven yard passes.  I see his appeal though.  Everyone loves a scrappy white guy succeeding in a place where they are usually rare, but some dumbass always drafts him early when they shouldn't.

1. Ray Rice - We all fell for the trap and it was painfully obvious right in front of our faces.  The Ravens give goalline carries to McGahee and you knew that they weren't going to ignore Boldin.  Sure, yards are great but Rice isn't even racking up those this year.  If you redrafted your league right now, Rice wouldn't even be a top 20 pick.  And Arian Foster would be #1.  How fucking strange.

I could have put Carson Palmer on here but he actually scores a bunch of garbage TDs which doesn't make him nearly as worthless as he is real life.  To end the week on a positive note, if I was giving halfway through the season positional MVPs, I would give them to Phil Rivers, Foster, Hakeem Nicks, Antonio Gates, Dan Carpenter, and that vaunted Raiders defense.

Oh, and 8-2 GMoney battles 9-1 Damman in the G$FL this weekend.  He's going to get hurt.  Bad.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

"If You Don't Like It, Stop Them" Is A Dumb Excuse

Couldn't have said it better!
Much like I do every morning, I was listening to Mike and Mike on my way to work on Monday.  They were talking about the previous weekend's story of teams running up the score on shittier teams.  Golic had no problem with it for the most part while Greenberg was his usual gay self about it.  So I figured that I should break their tie here today (and in quite the timely manner!).  I saw three potential examples of running it up this weekend so let's talk about all of them.

Eagles 59, Redskins 28 - I could make an argument that Andy Reid was running it up after the first 4 minutes of the game actually.  I didn't have any problem with what they did though.  Sure, I was a bit surprised that Mike Vick was still playing halfway into the 4th (by that time I was watching Weeds anyway), but they were just giving the ball to that loser who played for the Browns.  Philly could have hung 80+ on Monday night but they didn't...out of sympathy.  As far as keeping Vick in there, it was the right move.  Have you seen Kevin Kolb play?  He is definitely capable of blowing a 38 point lead in ten minutes.

Broncos 49, Chiefs 29 - Todd Haley got all butt-hurt over this game and refused to shake Josh McShittycoach's hand afterward.  He has since apologized but the crux of his argument is that the Chiefs let up on Denver last year and he expected the same thing.  What a pussy.  The Chiefs were down 35-0 early in the second quarter and Orton only put 14 on the board for the remainder of the game.  How is that classless exactly?  McDaniels saw his defense give up 59 points to J-Camp a few weeks back so is any lead really safe for his team?  And what precisely was he expecting?  Did he want Orton to take a knee from halftime on?  The Chiefs had no problem trying to score a ton of points in the second half and make a comeback.  If he just wanted the game to end, he should have not had his QB throw 60 passes.  This is a very immature move by a very immature guy.  This was not running up the score.  It wasn't even close.  But do you know what was?

Wisconsin 83, Indiana 20 - OK, what Brett Bielema did in Bloomington Saturday was a total dick move.  You don't throw the ball (regardless of the defense) when you are up FIFTY in the 4th quarter.  But you know what, I don't blame him.  College football is all about style and substance.  Yes, beating good teams is huge but when you have dogs on your schedule, you need to slaughter them.  This is exactly what everyone says that Boise needs to do and when they do it is brushed aside as "taking care of business".  Yet when someone else does it, it isn't cool?  I don't think so.  Slim chance or not, the Badgers still have a shot at playing for a national title this year if everything breaks right for them.  Putting up 83 points gets you noticed and that is what you need/want to do.  It's the system's fault, not Wisconsin's.  These are the kinds of problems that arise when you have a flawed system where unintelligent voters account for 2/3rds of the BCS equation.  Bielema will get his comeuppance somewhere down the line.  It probably won't be from Indiana any time soon, but it will happen.

When it comes to running up the score, there are a few rules that need to be followed:
1. Is it necessary?  In college football, it sometimes is.
2. Does it make a statement?  You don't bury some poor schlub unless they really deserve it.  IU does not deserve it.
3. You don't throw the ball.  Run it down their throats with your 2nd and 3rd string if you have to, but that ball better stay grounded.
4. Are you prepared for the shitstorm?  Don't do it and then start lying about your intentions.
5. Are you OK with being the villain?  People don't forget this stuff.  You will be booed.  Are you ready for your players to get the Miami Heat treatment?

Steve Spurrier used to run up the score all the time at Florida because he didn't give a fuck.  I respected that.  He wasn't going to change his offense because you suck.  Fuck that.  He's got plays to run and Heisman's to win for Danny Wuerrfel.  But in the end, it isn't a very classy move.  Embarrassing people for your own gain is just plain being a dickhead.

However, I'm not about to come out and say that we should all root for Michigan to upset the Badgers this weekend.  Hell no.  I don't want anOSU to backdoor a Big Ten title that they don't deserve.  GO BUCKY!  Run it up again this weekend!  Go for 100!

Worth Every Penny


100 million dollars and he pancakes himself.  Jesus Christ.  This is the worst play of the season and maybe ever.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

It Felt So Empty Without Me

(Here Comes the Boom...Boom)

First things first. Mister Mr. Ace is doing well. Hopefully by the time you read this he is resting comfortably at home and using a cooler full of Budweiser as a foot rest. We have all had a loved one laid up in a similar situation so I appreciate the well wishes very much.

What You All Came Here For. After spending a week at the hospital I decided that I wanted to spend my Saturday getting blind drunk. I went to Little Bar down by campus to enjoy the festivities and had a good enough time. But there was just one thing that bothered me and I think it's serious enough to be addressed here:

Port-A-Shitter Etiquette. I forgot how much I absolutely loathed waiting in a quarter mile long port-a-shitter line. It is especially loathsome when surrounded by Fuckeyes and a handful of D bag Penn State fans. But wherever you are, there are five simple rules that everyone should follow.
  1. Don't ask me if I'm pissing or shitting. I don't know you. I don't want to talk to you. And I certainly don't want to talk to you about what kind of waste my body is producing. Besides, if I have been pounding Molson's all day you should already know I am pissing out my ass.
  2. Don't knock on the door while I'm inside. I fucking get it, dude. You have to piss worse than anybody has ever had to piss ever. But the only things you knocking on the door is accomplishing is having me stand there an extra 30 seconds just to piss you off...and pissing all over the door latch because I know you're gay enough to lock it.
  3. Don't fucking cut. Do you want to be the target of the anger coming from a couple hundred drunk and belligerent college football fans? Didn't think so. Back of the fucking line.
  4. I don't care if you have tits, my dick is about to explode. Your vagina is not a free pass to the front of the pisser line. When piss is coming out my eye sockets you might as well be Artie Lange, your sexiness means nothing.
  5. Two girls going in the port-a-shitter together is fucking gross. I have never pissed out of a vagina, but I imagine it's a lot like a garden hose when you stick your thumb over it. One chick with her snatch in a plastic urinal and another with her snatch hovering over a pool of diarrhea might be Iceman's idea of a typical Saturday, but not mine. Go get your AIDS the normal way.
That was sort of like defense. Like I said, I spent the majority of my Saturday getting belligerent so my memory may be a bit foggy. But from the tiny shreds of the Michigan game I do remember, we had a real fucking defense, with real players, real tackling, real coaching, and real turnovers for the first time since September. I realize this really means nothing, but it's hard not to be happy about holding team to 256 total yards. But just as Michigan sort of had a defense on Saturday, Purdue is really only sort of a Big Ten football team.

Something in common with the Common Man. I listened to The Common Man & The Torg, or whatever the fuck those tools call themselves, because I thought it wouldn't be quite as excruciating as bleaching my butt hole. WRONG! But there were some things that the Common Man and I do apparently agree on.

First, the Fuckeyes aren't good or bad. I kind of feel this way about most teams in the top half of the Big Ten, but I don't really think any of them are on a Top Ten level. When Matt McGroin can carve you up at will for an entire half, you aren't a good team. And when in that same half, especially after coming off a bye week, you only score 3 points, you aren't a good team. But when you can make adjustments at halftime and outscore your opponent 35-0, you aren't a bad team. Yes, that paragraph was pointless...but fuck those guys.

Second, Pryor continually sucks more and more as the season goes on. Have any of you Fuckeyes really seen any improvement over the course of this year? Or any year? I definitely have not. He is the anti-clutch. He can chuck up a deep ball and find a wide open wide receiver, but he can't hit a 12 yard in route to save his life. Somebody coach that fucking kid up!

Third, Iowa should win. It's a late game, which Pryor generally sucks in. It's at Iowa, where Iowa has played great, with their only home loss coming against Wiscy by one point. But most importantly, THE FUCKEYES RUSHED THE FUCKING FIELD LAST YEAR AFTER BEATING THE HAWKEYES AND THEIR BACKUP QB IN OT! I cannot stress that enough. I called it out as bush league last year and I find it hard to believe that Iowa has let it slip their memory. The Hawkeyes are coming to play.

And the father of the year goes to... Cecil Newton Sr. What a fucking guy, this one. Not only does he swindle thousands of people out of thousands of dollars by promising miracles from a flying spaghetti monster, he sold his fucking sons college football soul for $200,000. This fucking happened, that ass hole won't even deny it.

And wouldn't you fucking know it, in June of 2008 his church started getting pressured to make $50,000 worth of improvements or it would be shut down. Conveniently enough, Cam Newton went back on the college football market just a few months before that when he left the University of Florida. And what a shocking coincidence--or miracle, if you will-- the church is all of the sudden up to code and nobody, including Cecil Newton, will say how the money got there to make these improvements. But hey, at least he had the integrity not to make an infomercial and ask for $19.95 to wash all your sins away.

I'm not saying Cam Newton is a bad kid, I'm saying his father is a horrible person and a terrible father.

So yeah...Cam Newton for Heisman!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Will Not Watch

Ok, I'll suck one more dick but then I've got to go.
Oh sonofabitch.  I think we can all agree that Colin Cowherd is a complete shithead elitist who talks down to his audience.  I don't understand why some people like him.  He has no appeal outside of being a homer for the big market cities.  And he's gay.  That being said, fuck CBS.

CBS has purchased pretty much his life story and plan on making a sitcom about it.  Terrible.  Just awful.  I can't wait for the episodes about how Cleveland fans should get over themselves, how John Wall will never win in the NBA because his dad died when he was 7 years old, or, what could be a two-parter, how Beanie Wells should have fallen in the draft because people at his draft party were drinking soda.

If you don't know about this, Colin went on one of his stupid tangents about the Wells family drinking pop on camera as opposed to Donald Brown's family not drinking soda.  He implied that this meant that Brown was the safer pick.  Make sense?  No.  Of course it doesn't.  The fact remains that both of them suck anyway regardless of what their family members like to drink.

So who plays Cowherd in this surely terrible TV show?  Michael Cera is gay enough but too awkward.  Nathan Lane has the gay and the lack of sports knowledge but looks nothing like him.  My pick and you know damn well that this will be the choice...Jay Mohr.  And since Mohr isn't funny, it will be a perfect fit for the 6 episodes shown before it gets cancelled.  Let me know if you have someone better that could play this fucker.

Fuck Cowherd.  And shame on you, CBS.  Stop making shows that only stupid midwesterners watch.

5 More Years???

You want to give me HOW MUCH?
Hmmmm...I should probably be more mad about this than I am.  But when you are used to following a stupid organization, after awhile it just rolls off of your muscular back.  I still don't get one thing though:

2 weeks ago, Donovan was benched in the fourth for whatever lie the coaches are telling today.  Ever since, chaos has surrounded the team and everyone had McNabb as one-and-done in DC.  And NOW, the coaching staff buys into him and wants him to be the quarterback of the future?  Something doesn't add up.

But he keeps us in games and he's still the best QB that the Skins have had in 20 years (even with his awful season thus far).  So I can live with it.  This isn't worse than the Haynesworth deal or the Bruce Smith deal or the Deion deal.  He gives them some stability so whatever.

Update from 1:55 left in the first quarter:  Jesus tittyfucking Christ.  This is possibly the worst Redskins game I've ever watched and I've seen some shitty ones.  Nice fucking shit defense.  Good job giving McNabb all that money when you could've paid less for Vick.  Fucking horseshit.  This franchise sucks.  Fire the Shanahans.  Fire the owner.  Fire the fans.  Just send the team to LA already.  Pack your suitcase.  All of you.  At least Keiland Williams is getting his carries for some reason.  They're going to lose 100-0.  I'm turning Raw on because for some reason Joey Galloway is playing.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Worst Of Week Ten Vol.IV

Nice tits.
I had myself a good time on Saturday night.  Naptown was representing at the Stube in full force.  A lot of faces from beers and high school football games past made surprise appearances.  It was a lovely evening.  I probably enjoyed myself a bit too much though.  The Stroh's and Schlitz's were flowing like wine.  But I made it home unscathed and unarrested nonetheless.  No matter how much I've imbibed over the course of the night, I try to play a calm demeanor when I get home.  As a 30 year old married guy, it's not the best decision to pass out nude on the kitchen floor.  I don't talk too much for the simple reason that I don't want to tell the same stupid stories over again the next day.  Because that looks bad.  But there is always one damn giveaway that lets She$ develop an accurate depiction of how much fun I had that night...my snoring.  And I've been told that on Saturday night, I was a goddamn wild boar.  The house was shaking with each and every struggling breath that I took.  She$ tells me that she kept hitting me to get me to roll over but it was futile.  I was in the middle of a most excellent passout and no amount of domestic violence was going to wake me and my nasal domination.  My drunk snoring is a force not to be reckoned with.  And that isn't going to change.  I could have a sip of High Life and she knows that she won't be sleeping much that night. 

I never understood what it meant when people used the term "sawing logs" when it came to sleep.  Well, the wife does.  Except that when I'm inebriated, I chainsaw fucking redwood trees.  I apologize for nothing.  When you get the chance to booze it up with guys like -Rex, Cramer, and a gentleman who has nude pics of himself freely available on the internet, you do it.  While my wife will argue that nothing in the NFL this week is worse than my breathing, I disagree.  Let's get the worst of week ten rollin'.

*Thursday Night Games - I hate these.  They make no sense and the games are almost always sloppy.  Yes, the Ravens/Falcons game ended up being a thriller, but it still took a half for everyone to wake up.  However nothing compares to that NFL Network booth.  Matt Millen is absolutely terrible.  But he is a thousand times better than Joe Theismann.  He is the absolute shittiest man on the planet.  I've never heard anyone contradict themselves more than Joe does.  Lawrence Taylor should have broke his neck.

*The Lions - First of all, way to go Buffalo!  Bills, baby!!!  The Lions now have not won a road game in their last 25 trips away from Detroit which is, of course, an NFL record.  God they suck.  And two weeks ago, they killed the Redskins.  That makes sense.

*Brett Favre - And the Vikings season is officially over now.  He should just quit.  Did you know that the Bears are 6-3?  They have to be the worst 6-3 team ever, right?  They better not make the playoffs.  And why are games at Soldier Field so bright?  It's almost like they play on the sun.

*Peyton Manning - You suck, faggot.  And exactly why do you throw EVERY pass to Jacob Tamme?  He isn't good.  You killed my DFL team, you bumbling fuck-up.  Get fucked.  Way to lead your offense to 16 points against the shitty Bengals.

*Pierre Garcon - What a turd.  He drops everything (which would explain why Tamme gets all of those looks, I guess).  He fumbled away an easy onside kick recovery and then took his helmet off like a braindead dicksniffer.  Fortunately, the Bengals are rotten and seem to enjoy beating themselves.

*Chad Pennington - Nice comeback, jerk.  What was it, 2 plays?  And Chad Henne still sucks white guy dick.

*Gus Johnson's sanity - That was some finish in the Jags/Texans game.  It was made all that much better with Gus screaming his head off like some sort of insane hobo who just found a bottle of gin in the dumpster that he's living in.  Priceless stuff.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  Love ya, Gus!

*Browns fans - OK, come back down to Earth now.  Stupid people like Damman and The Iceman were wondering if it was possible for the Browns to run the table and make the playoffs.  I said no because that was unrealistic and not remotely possible.  Look, the Browns play hard and they are well-coached.  But they don't have a ton of talent.  At least Braylon didn't do much.  Never forget that Rex Ryan is the superior Ryan.

*Nick Folk - If he was a decent kicker, that game would have not been close anyway.  Keep that in mind.

*Romeo Crennel - Nice job by the Brown Mound letting Tim Tebow score twice on his defense.  Ouch.  The Chiefs were due for a shitty game though.

*TROY SMIFF SICK!  TROY SMIFF SICK!  I still think that the Niners are going to win the West.

*My weirdo love last week for the Giants - Last week, I said that the Giants would be a touchdown favorite over anybody in the league.  And then 7 days later they get destoyed by Jon Kitna and his new daywalker coach.  The Cowboys looked pretty good actually.  But just like the Chiefs, the Giants were due for a stinkbomb.  Which is what I thought was happening when the power went out at Giants Stadium.  A part of me was hoping that the terrorists were vaporizing the Cowboys and Giants franchises.  But I'm a sick fuck like that.

Ummmm, I think that that about covers it.  Everyone seems to think that the Eagles are going to roll tonight.  I disagree.  The Redskins are better.  They proved it 6 weeks ago.  McNabb has a tendency to put up big games after controversy.  I expect the same tonight.  Skins win 24-20.

Friday, November 12, 2010

And the 2011 Heisman Award Does Not Go To...

I would get knocked unconscious by her in under 4 seconds.
I had a decent post planned but that's getting scrapped.  I told you that I didn't like "writing" 5 days a week.  Today, you pay.  And judging by how shitty everyone besides Drew and The Iceman have been this week, you don't really care anyway.  Here I go again...bitching about the lack of comments.  I need to get over this and realize that not everyone has as pointless of an existence as I do.  We can't all take days off of work to tailgate for the Ohio State/North Carolina A&T basketball game today.  Hey, speaking of pointless!!!

Terrelle Pryor has announced that he's coming back to Columbus for his senior year!  And that he isn't going to play basketball eventhough Thad Matta has shown no interest in adding him to the team!  In a completely unrelated note, I am announcing right now that I will NOT be joining the Yankees starting pitching staff next season.  It was a tough decision but I had to think about my family and becoming a millionaire celebrity was not something that I wanted to put them through.

Oh how I look forward to Pryor's Senior season.  Nothing beats the ridiculous Heisman talk or the "we're the best team in the country and will win the BCS title" talk.  Or how his mechanics are improved.  Or about how much he's matured and how hard of a worker he is.  Or blah, blah, blah no one gives a fuck.

It comes down to this.  Do you want to be a 4th round draft pick as a QB (2nd rounder as an athlete if he wanted to go that route) or do you want to be the tastiest dick on campus for one more year?  Easy choice.  This isn't like Matt Leinart throwing away millions of dollars that he could have spent on roofies.  This is actually the right call.

And the best part of it all...he will now finish his tenure at Ohio State without a title.  Delicious.  I hope that Pryor spends this extra year learning how to NOT THROW ACROSS THE FIELD.  One of these days, he's going to get someone paralyzed out there.

But you know what, I'm ready to get way ahead of myself here.  And I don't care what you think.  Ohio State is due to end their streak of dominance over the rest of the state.  On September 4th, 2012, the Buckeyes open the season, the first game without Pryor launching wounded ducks, against the Miami RedHawks.  I'm calling it now.  The Buckeyes are going down on that day.  We still owe you from that hosing we took in 2000 (Mike Bath SCORED, dammit!).  In two years, we're going to be loaded with talent and this is most definitely not a joke.  Zac Dysert is going to end the drought for the rest of the state.  He will prevail.  Kenny Guiton or Taylor Graham or Braxton Miller should prepare now to get fucked by a big red bird that doesn't really exist on this planet.

In conclusion, I have no problem with Terrelle Pryor coming back for one more year of me hating the shit out of him.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

College Hoops: Because We Preview Everything Here

I'm a crazy person.
I don't care if we are smack dab in the middle of football season.  The fact of the matter is that the weather is starting to suck and that means that balls start bouncing for realz in gyms all across the country.  Since I am wont to throw out crazy predictions for everything here (I once wrote a post about SLAMBALL!), here comes your preview and prediction post for the 2010-2011 college basketball season.

When we last left this great game, evil had triumphed over good when Gordon Hayward's halfcourt heave bounced off the rim and those rapists from Duke secured another title for Ratboy to take with him back to the fiery pits of Hell.  It was a sad day for America indeed.  No self-respecting person likes Duke.  They're gay.  But unfortunately, they are loaded again this season and begin the year ranked #1.  Lame.  How many years does that gorgon Singler have left?  Didn't he play with Grant Hill.  Go away, pale skin.

Before we get going with this, just remember that I know virtually nothing about any of these teams going into the season.  So in essence, this isn't even a preview.  It's me talking out of my ass and hoping that I don't pull a GSaul by hyping up some kid who already graduated.  With that being said, let's drop some "knowledge" on you fools.

Remember This Name - Trey Zeigler, Central Michigan.  The kid took visits to UCLA, Oklahoma, etc. and spurned offers from Michigan and Michigan State to play for his old man in Mount Pleasant.  He is probably the most heralded recruit for the MAC in recent history.  Was it stupid to stay home when bigger opportunities were elsewhere?  Maybe, but as long as he plays the way that everyone hopes (like a stud), he should put some sort of spotlight on the conference.

Most Overrated Team - #9 Florida.  What the hell?  Donovan hasn't done shit since his stud class left.  They never play anyone good and when they do, they get beat.  Forgive me for not believing that an SEC school outside of Lexington is worthy of a preseason top 10 ranking.

Most Underrated Team - #14 Purdue.  Yeah, it's sad that they lost Robbie Hummel again to a knee injury.  But the remaining guys have been playing together for a looooong time now and they are well-coached.  That counts for something.  Johnson and Moore are more than capable enough to dominate the Big Ten.  If Painter got them any shooters, they will be just fine even without that white kid.

Cinderella - Who will be this year's Northern Iowa.  I have no fucking clue.  I barely know anything about the big boys so I'm just going to take a shot in the dark here and pick Oakland University out of suburban Detroit.  I just like the name "Golden Grizzlies".  Bears made out of gold...sounds like the ultimate expensive killing machine.

Coach definitely getting fired - John Bielein, Michigan.  Michigan is going to be AWFUL this year.  They have almost no talent.  They are a shoe-in to finish last in the Big Ten and I know this because Zack Novak and Stu Douglass are going to log a ton of minutes and both of those guys are rotten players.  Bielein has had enough time and now it's over.  Bring back Brian Ellerbe!  No Michigan alum will ever step foot in West Virginny ever again.  This is a certainty.

3 Bold Predictions
1. Tennessee and Louisville both miss the tournament while Pitino and Bruce Pearl sit on very hot seats.
2. Tom Crean gets Indiana into the NCAA tournament (in spite of their cheating to beat Ferris State last week).
3. Insanely sick UNC freshman and likely #1 pick next year, Harrison Barnes, struggles mightily as he doesn't live up to the crazy hype that idiots like me have built for him.

The Naismith Award Goes To...Jared Sullinger, Ohio State.  It pains me to say this, but this kid isn't just the next KoKo or Byron James, he is the real deal.  I've heard rumors that during a scrimmage against a very good Baylor team last week, he dropped 40+ on them.  As long as Matta lets him play, he's going to dominate.

My Final Four in which I pick three top ten teams and then one team at random:
Duke - just like every year, I'm sure that they'll play the first four tourney games within ten minutes of campus
Ohio State - they have shooters and post players, but is Aaron Craft good enough to play point
Kansas State - Jacob Pullen can flat out ball and the Wildcats play sick defense
Illinois - yeah, this one is out of leftfield's leftfield but I like that McCamey cat

For no apparent reason at all other than to make sure you're still paying attention, CHARLIE COLES TAKING A FACEOFF!!!

DROP THE GLOVES, CHARLIE!
National Champion - Kansas State.  I didn't believe in them last year but I do now.  I don't care how insane and retarded Frank Martin is.

And before I bounce, congrats to Jon Diebler.  Now that Jon Scheyer is gone and Zack Novak is completely irrelevant, Diebler definitely holds the crown for biggest fag in basketball.  Well done, Diebs!  May you enjoy yet another season of being decent once every two weeks and completely worthless the rest of the time!!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Bend Over, Chris Peterson, Here Comes The Big Horned Dick

"Sweet turtleneck/polo combo!"--G$ in 1992.  Seriously, who dresses this fucking guy?
Before we get started today, I should announce that G$ is writing this.  Mr. Ace has some personal shit to tend to this week (if Dut is to be believed, Big Ace went under the knife) and we wish him well.  But that still doesn't mean that I'm happy about writing a full week's slate of posts this week.  I thought that I was done with that.  But the Wednesday college football post is always an easy write so let's stop complaining, get crackin', and write a bunch of stupid shit as a tribute to Ace.

*Like the title eludes, Boise is going to get fucked
I just don't get it.  The Broncos started the preseason #3, the two overrated teams ahead of them already lost, they have done EVERYTHING that was asked of them since, and yet they drop in the rankings.  It makes ZERO sense.  Sure, if Auburn and Oregon run the table, they deserve to play for the crown.  I am OK with that because it's how it should be.  But don't give me this bullshit that TCU is better because they aren't and the fucking retard voters need to fix this.  I don't care if it's this week or down the road, it needs fixed.

Utah might have been the worst top 5 team of all time.  I don't care who you are playing, you don't lose by 40 at home if you are a good team.  The Frogs' best win is Baylor.  OK, that's an alright win.  The Bears will probably finish 4th in the Big 12 South but whatever.  Boise State beat the ACC Champion.  I don't care if they lost to West Elementary the following week (and that isn't Boise's fault).  The Hokies haven't lost since and are going to go to a BCS bowl again.  Schedules aside (eventhough Boise State has played a tougher schedule anyway), do any of you REALLY want to watch Texas Christian University play for a national title?  I sure as shit don't.  They aren't exciting.  They haven't built up year after year of goodwill and respect.  Their uniforms fucking suck.  Gary Patterson wears a fag visor.  Andy Dalton is not even close to being like Dalton in Roadhouse.  I don't want to watch them during the regular season so why would I tune in to see them play for a title?  Answer:  I wouldn't.  At least I wouldn't watch much.  This whole "non-AQ playing for the title" is basically the exception for Boise State.  It isn't for anyone else, God dammit.  And don't think that I've forgotten that the Blue Turfs beat both Oregon and TCU last year with this same fucking team.  Should that be a factor for this year?  No.  But "should" it?  Yes.

I was so worried that Kellen Moore was going to get screwed over by a one loss BCS team, I never thought that he be getting jobbed by a fucking school like TCU.  FIX IT, BCS. 

*Cam Newton is a stud
All of this bullshit coming out about the kid now, I don't care.  I love watching the kid play.  OH NOES, A COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHEATED ON A TEST?  My confidence in collegiate sport is shaken to the core!  He doesn't even go to Florida anymore so why would Auburn be punished for that?  If I went to a different company and my current employer announced publicly that I only did work for about 2-3 hours per day, there ain't shit that my new boss can do about that.  As far as the 200K, his dad seems pretty adamant that he didn't receive a dime and college kids aren't smart enough to hide that kind of money so I'm going to believe that he did nothing wrong...right now.  I never trust snitches anyway.  Just give him the fucking Heisman.  If he turns out to be Reggie Bush reincarnated then you deal with it then.  Don't punish a kid before the facts are out (like some asshole voters plan to do).  He is the most outstanding college football player in 2010.  Period.

*Bowl eligibility is reached tonight
Tonight, my beloved RedHawks will go from 1-11 to bowl eligible when they defeat the shitbirds from Bowling Green at Doyt L. Perry Stadium in front of a crowd of tens of hundreds of people.  What a season this has been.  While they have beaten the shit teams and been crushed by the good ones, it just feels good to win again.  And looking at bowl projections only to see MIAMI UNIVERSITY in them, that just feels like a happy ending given by some horrible yet great masseuse.  Fuck Bowling Green, they all have AIDS.

*400 means nothing to me
Joe Paterno has been a rotten coach for a decade now and he is holding his program hostage with his selfishness.  Excuse me if I don't give a shit about his 400th win.  At least he gets to poop in The 'Shoe again on Saturday.

*I call him GAMBLOR
Ohio State -17.5 vs. Penn State - Dude, Penn State is terrible.  The Buckeyes usually play well in November.  Take the Buckeyes and don't even worry about it.  anOSU already had their Big Ten struggle against an inferior team this year.

Miami -2.5 @ BG - I said it above and I'll say it again, Miami rolls tonight.  They are healthy.  They have the better QB and the better defense.  They are still playing for the league title and bowl eligibility while the Falcons season is over.  And you don't even have to give a field goal.  Money.

That's it for me.  I'm better than Ace.  And for the sake of college football, root against every team that TCU beat this year.  That means that you have to want Notre Dame to beat Utah...I feel dirty just typing that.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

I Iced Ron Zook, Brah!

White people are embarrassing.
I don't want to steal too much away from Mr. Ace's post for tomorrow which is certainly going to be heavy on the Tate-love.  But I do want to mention that I watched 90% of that pretty awesome 3OT game on Saturday afternoon where playing defense was definitely optional (and unlike Cam Newton's credit cards, that option was declined).  And what I took away from it is that Tate Forcier is a complete and utter douchefag that deserves to be penilly (not a word) probed with a machete.  Of course, Forcier inspired this post which remains the worst of all 1300 posts written here and will never be topped.

Basically, consider this THIRD quasi-mail-in post of the day an opportunity to annouce to the world what you want to do to Tate Forcier.  I would like to wipe my ass with his gay skull cap, put it back on his head, and then shop his head off with Paul Bunyan's axe.  That is all.  Have fun.  And since I am currently in love with the new AMC show, The Walking Dead, the gorier (is that a word?) the better.

Just How Pat Riley Drew It Up

Fifteen years of half-filled arenas, Stan Van Gundy's aftershave, and retiring Dan Marino's number!
You can pretty much guarantee that every time that the Heat fuck up this year, I will be writing about it.  Because I hate them and you probably do to.  They are like the Cowboys, who LeBortion has deemed "the worst team in football".  So now you KNOW it's official.

Anyway, on Friday night, Miami played undefeated New Orleans and saw themselves down by three with the final possession of the game.  With all those superstars, who do you run the last play through?  Does Wade take it?  Does LeBortion nail a dagger from 27?  Does Chris Bosh sit in the corner because he blows?  Nope, they ran a designed play for Eddie House to take the final shot.  And he failed.  Miserably.

So I guess we can put the question of who takes the final shot for that team to rest.  Their money man is Eddie fucking House!

By the way, Tony B mentioned last week the Cavs fans response to the "What should I do" Nike ads.  While I actually think that the original ad is pretty good, the spoof pretty much nailed it on all levels.  Go here and watch it if you haven't already.

You Suck, Oregon

Bob Ross approves of all the happy little trees.
Yeah sure, they may have the most exciting college football team of the past few years, but that doesn't mean that Oregon does everything else right.  In case you aren't a college hoops savant, this is what Oregon's home floor will be for the 2010-2011 season.  Who are the ad wizards that came up with this?  It looks like someone smeared shit all over the court!

At some point, don't you just have to say "no" to Nike?  This is the worst thing that I've ever seen and I've seen video of Drew's mother satisfying a horse.

Monday, November 08, 2010

The Worst Of Week Nine Vol.IV

It's funny because Mike Commodore is a pussy and never plays.
Instead of spending the entire weekend on the couch, I convinced She$ to come with me to the Wild/Blue Jackets game on Saturday night.  They are actually playing well this season and we had nothing planned anyway so we went.  We didn't worry about tickets because this is the Jackets that we're talking about and they don't sellout (especially during football season).  So we get a couple of cheap $22 upper deck tickets which aren't bad seats at all and have an enjoyable evening at Nationwide Arena.  Of course, the CBJ lost.  That's seven losses in a row when I'm in the building.  I am quite the hex.  But my issue is with the attendance configurations.  It's no secret that the Jackets are having problems getting people into the building.  Being terrible for 9 of the first ten years of the franchise will do that.  Here's the thing:  the upper deck was almost entirely filled up.  The lower bowl was maybe 65-70% full.  I attribute this to walk-up customers not wanting to spend $100 on a seat.  Makes sense.  Isn't there something that the CBJ can do about this?  Isn't there a way for the ticket office to sell, say, 90 minutes before the game all unsold lower bowl tickets for $40 and all upper deck for $20?  It just looks weird to see the empty seats near the glass.  And while the team would be losing money on the ticket face value, it's still something and since the concessions are ridiculously expensive ($9 for a beer is cool in NY, not in Ohio) they would still be getting some money.  I don't know.  That's just me.  I will never spend more than $25 on a hockey ticket anyway.  Hell, pretty soon, with the record I have as a fan, I'm going to get banned.  But I wonder if it's possible to offer discount day-of-the-game tickets for walk-ups?  Thoughts?  Tony B is a ticket asshole, is this doable at all?

Worst of the week begins now.  We're going to stop numbering them.  Why?  Because Browns fans can't count anyway.  Let's get going.

*Ndamukong Suh - What a shitty kicker!  Although he did make me laugh for about 4 minutes.  Listen, big black dude, knock off the pussy soccer-style bullshit.  Real men go straight on!  I will volunteer to show you how it's done.

*Matthew Stafford - Let's just ignore the fact that this fag goes by "Matthew".  Can he ever play consecutive games?  This is getting ridiculous.  I'm starting to think that Stafford's shoulder is made out of papier mache. 

*Brad Childress - I don't care that this child molester was able to beat a horseshit Cardinals team in overtime at home.  This pedophile is a terrible coach who has got to go.  I hate the Vikings and wish the worst for them and even I want him gone.  How is it even possible for a coach to go over the owner and the GM to start releasing whoever he wants to?  It would have been awesome if Childress waived Moss on Tuesday, Wilf holds a press conference on Wednesday, and announced that Moss was staying and that Childress was fired.  That would have been great.  But then it was made even better because later on we found out that Percy Harvin tried to kill the head coach a few days later!  Who still respects this guy?  Does he think that he has a job lined up with the Mets but he needs to get fired first?  Because it appears that he is just trying to get canned at this point.  There is NO WAY that he is ever a head coach again.

*Matt Schaub - This guy blows.  He's had one good game this year and that was against a shitty Redskins secondary.  He was a fluke last season.  Yeah, I'll say it.  And his coach is going to get fired.

*Chad Henne - I just don't see this guy ever winning.  He blows.  And he looks stupid with his layers of forehead flab.

*Bill Belichick - Uhhhh, what happened to the days where a rookie QB had no chance to beat Belichick?  You've got to hand it to the Browns.   They play hard and play tough.  It seems like every trick play that they use works and Hillis is a beast.  But come on, Pats.  They were supposed to be the best team in football through the first eight weeks.  I never thought this though.  They don't have any playmakers.  And I'm getting sick and fucking tired of watching Brady whine about every little thing on the field.  Additional shittiness mention to that Gronkowski TE who was just horrible all game long.  If the Browns were in the NFC, I would consider them a playoff contender.  But they are playing well and are improving every week.  Good for them and good for Slim Mangini.  I always like seeing him beat his mentor and that watch Billy be a douche at the postgame handshake.  And did anyone else laugh on the McCoy TD run when cheapshot artist Merriweather got tittied up by Josh Cribbs?  I love vigilante justice.

*Tom Cable's shirt - I just wanted to draw attention to the badass Raiders bowling shirt that Cable wears on the sidelines.  Well played, wife and assistant coach puncher!  But besides that, RAIDERS, BITCH!!!  SUPER BOWL!

*The 31 teams in the NFL not the New York Giants - Best team in the league (right now) BY FAR.  They would be a 7 point favorite against anyone (except for the Raiders in which they would be a 45 point underdog).  Yeah, I said it.  And I hate them but it's true.

That's it for me.  I need to lick my wounds.  I got MURDERED on wagers weekend.  I can't stress that enough.  Just destroyed.  It was a bloodbath.  FUCK YOU IN YOUR HORSE CUNT, Zenyatta.  Which is yet one more reason why I will be sitting in the upper deck for all future Blue Jackets games.

Friday, November 05, 2010

This Is How You Destroy A Team

This has nothing to do with the post, but Thanksgiving ain't the same without Robert Porcher.
When I was a strapping young twenty year old shit dominating Miami University, as a sophomore, occasionally I had to take classes other than softball and golf.  In order to graduate, everyone had to take some sort of science class.  I decided to take Zoology 161.  I figured that since it was a basic level class, it would be a grade point booster for ol' G$.  There were like 8000 kids in the class and the teacher was more boring than church.  The entire class was broken down into 4 exams and that was your grade.  When the first test came around, I just assumed that I would dominate (studied for ten minutes) and it showed.  I got a 45%.  So I did what all highly intelligent and arrogant kids did, I stopped going to class.  Because I'm a genius, you see.  My plan was to just do the readings and show up on the class before the exam for a refresher.  So I show up to the session before exam 2 only to realize that I read the syllabus like Dexter Manley (he's illiterate) and that day was exam day.  Again, I failed to study at all.  Results came back...44%.  Which is actually pretty impressive considering that I never went to class and had no idea what the questions were even asking.  I got my shit together and racked up like a 78% or something on test 3.  Going into the final exam, I was rocking a STRONG F.  And it was all due to my own fucktardery.  I crunched the numbers for what I needed to get...and I had to get a 91 just to pass the class.  I have never studied harder for anything in my life (probably combined).  Pulled an all-nighter the night before the test which was likely aided by Yellow Jackets but I can't recall.  And you know what, I got a fucking 98 on that bitch for a D+ in the class.  It was the only time that I ever got a D in any class and it was entirely due to my own misplaced confidence.  In sort of a weird way, I was really proud of that D+.  I felt like I won no matter how I got there eventhough I was 100% the reason for needing to damn near kill myself for final glory.

The moral of the story is this:  no matter how much of a lock or a shoe-in that you think you have, your pride will eventually kill you.  And it's up to you and you alone to pick up the pieces and right the fucking ship.  No one cares about your problems.  They have their own.  You are all alone.  And if you want to dominate life like I clearly am, you need to be willing to do the hard work by yourself.

Which leads me to another topic that everyone hates hearing about...my fantasy football team.  Sure, in 2 of my 3 leagues, I'm 6-2 and have the sort of rosters that can win the whole thing.  No one, and I mean NO ONE, believes that Damman's 8-0 G$FL team can keep this up.  Drew knows that I'm better than he is, too.  The fact that I average 10+ more points per week than just about every team proves that.  You're a fag, Drew.  Never forget that.  Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah, my D(ut)FL franchise.

First of all, homo, since you allow everyone to complain about stupid shit without any repercussions, be a man and get the league down to 12.  If that means that you kick the two worst teams from the year out for a year and then allow them back in replacing the two worst teams from the next year, then so be it.  14 team leagues are AIDS gay.  And I think it would be kind of fun to kick Moden and Daniel out every other season.

Anyway, after the draft ended, I was widely credited for having a great draft.  I agreed wholeheartedly.  My team was loaded.  With a lineup like Peyton, Burner Turner, Pierre Thomas, Miles Austin, Kenny Britt, Collie, and Darren McFadden, you can see how great this team could be.  Hell, I even had the #1 waiver priority which I used after week one to add Brandon Jackson since Ryan Grant had just gone down.

If this was a Vh1 Behind The Music, this would be wear the sad music starts and the narrator explains how it all went wrong.

I immediately thought that it was time (after week ONE!) to start wheeling and dealing which is ALWAYS a dumb move so early in the season.
-I flipped Jackson to commenter Jeff for Brandon Marshall (not as good of a skull-fucking as it should have been)
-On 9/15, a day that will live in infamy, I sent Collie and McFadden to the very much hated Mr. Ace for goddamn Darren Sproles and DeSean Jackson who is still trying to find his head.  I can't stress enough that this will go down as one of the worst trades ever.  I tried to sell high on those two and I ended up buying low and keeping low.  I will never forgive Mr. Ace for fucking me over on a trade that I proposed to him and he accepted.  YOU MUST DIE.
-On 9/23, I dumped Britt for Redskins practice squad RB, Keiland Williams!
-On 9/30, I dumped Williams to re-add Britt.  What a great move that was.
-And on 10/7, I dumped Britt YET AGAIN for the great Brandon Tate!  Yep, I shit on a top ten receiver TWICE within two weeks.

I started the season 3-0 and was beating the shit out of fools.  I have since lost my last 5.  We are currently halfway through the season and I've got a firm F this season as a GM.  Just like in ZOO161.  I must regroup.  It's time to start kicking ass again.  It's time to get pussies like Pierre and DeSean back in the game.  It's time for Miles and B-Marsh to start catching fucking TOUCHDOWNS.  It's time to be the great team that I know that I have.

We must get healthy this weekend on Moden.  He seems like a great guy to start a winning streak against.  I will salvage this season.  I will win this fucking league even with my current shittiness.  And I will do it without the use of performance-enhancing Yellow Jackets.

Oh and consider this an open forum to bitch/praise about your fantasy football teams.  I'll allow it.  This was a great post.  Jade Juniper would be proud.