Thursday, September 30, 2010

Thirty.



This is a homemade video from the Damman 30th Birthday Bash and G$'s 30th Birthday Box Social from Saturday. It is glorious. Some may see this as a mail-in post. I see this as the best 24 seconds in internet history (until I get the video of my extra point up). Enjoy.  I only remember about 40% of what happened that night.  But thanks to modern technology, I will never forget our bar-wide shoutout and tribute to the 5-0 NapCats.

I'm 30 today.  Booooo!

As far as the whole age thing goes, I'm sort of indifferent.  But I am well aware that there is a big difference between being in your 20's and being in your 30's.  Allow me to explain.  When you are in your 30's, you worry about 401K's, your mortgage, and whether or not you can still stay awake for the ending of Monday Night Football.  When you are in your 20's, you are concerned more with where you are going to pass out on Saturday night and spending an entire Sunday afternoon trying to not puke up all the horrendous shit that you drank the night before (which I did this past weekend while still a 29 year old which makes it OK).

I don't really have any big plans or anything.  I'm making the missus take me to Paul Keels' favorite joint, Montgomery Inn, for some ribs tomorrow night but that's about it.  You know damn well that I'm in the "Inn Crowd".  I will be punishing myself with more MAC football on Saturday (fuck you, Kent!).  And that's about it.  I don't have the energy for much else.  Why?  Because on Tuesday night, my genius puppy continued his horrible trend of eating pine cones in the backyard and this time the thing scraped his esophagus which led to a massive freakout which led to no sleep which led to a 6 AM trip to the vet which finally led to me being in a bad mood (and thankfully him feeling better).  Would you eat a porcupine?  Of course not.  Our dog is an idiot.  He actually chews on rocks.  ROCKS!  And those things sharpen his teeth like you wouldn't believe.

So you'll have to forgive me.  After all, it's my birthday and I can do whatever I want.  Just keep watching that video.  That will help me get through this day and it should for you, too. 

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

'Audibles'...A Friendly Reminder That ESPN Hates You

I would like to talk to you about Joseph Smith.
Last Friday night, I'm at the gym getting my swoll on like usual.  My customary tactic at the gym is to turn ESPN up really loud so as to drown out the old bitch on the elliptical machine watching Rachael Ray.  I mean, it is EXTREMELY inconsiderate of me, but I don't care.  You're old and I'm a hunk, dammit, I'm watching PTI.

PTI ends and since it's Friday evening, I don't know what is coming up next.  In retrospect, as soon as I saw what it was, I should have cut my workout short and left to go pour kerosene in my ears.  ESPN debuted their new NFL-based show on Friday night called "Audibles".  Nevermind that it debuted well after the actual NFL season started.  Forget that bit of rational thought.  ESPN can't be bogged down with timeliness and semantics.

So the premise of the show is that four assholes sit in what appears to be either a ski lodge or Hayden Fox's office from Coach and they talk about the NFL.  Sounds good, right?  Well, first of all, the show's host is Keyshawn fucking Johnson.  Or it might be Trent Dilfer.  I watched this trash for thirty minutes and still couldn't figure out who was running things.  To appeal to middle America, they brought in Captain Vanilla himself, Steve Young.  And how could you have a panel of great football discussion without Herman Edwards!

Anyway, they will start with a topic, discuss it for a few minutes, and then get a new question from some idiot on Facebook asking about the Chiefs defense.  Typical shit but then my mind was blown.  I was in awe that Herm actually made a great analogy.  He said something like this:

HERM:  "The Dallas Cowboys remind me of a Ryder Cup team (at this time, I'm on the edge of my treadmill waiting to hear how retarded this was going to sound).  You look at their roster and they have all these great pieces that look good and they are all extremely talented.  But on gameday, it just doesn't work out.  Something is off and they can't put it together.  You see--"
DILFER:  "Time to change things up because this is why we call this show, "AUDIBLES"!  Denny from Twitter wants to know if the Dolphins can beat the Jets on Sunday.

Don't you see how this would be the worst show ever?  Herm makes the first great point of his life and it's so good that some dipshit producer won't even let him finish it because God forbid they ignore the three fans of the show on Facebook typing in retard questions for this panel of shit.

This also got me thinking about how much I loathe all of ESPN's NFL coverage.  All of it.  There is not one part of the ESPN NFL analyst team that is decent.  I'm a FOX guy.  I watch their show.  Do you know why?  Their analysts are experts.  Jimmy Johnson is arguably one of the top three coaches in league history.  Terry Bradshaw won 4 Super Bowl rings as a QB.  Michael Strahan owns the single season sack record and was a great leader for those Giants teams.  Jay Glazer has never been wrong about anything.  Howie Long likes trucks and has a perfectly symmetrical body.  Curt Menefee is the world's best black blob.

Now look at ESPN.  They prefer quantity over quality.  It's like their attitude is, "who cares if no one likes Cris Carter, we'll just hire four more ex-players to drown him out a bit".  Chris Berman sucks.  Mike Ditka was an average who wouldn't have a ring without Buddy Ryan.  Keyshawn is one of the biggest assholes and prima donnas in league history.  Carter is the biggest asshole in league history.  Tom Jackson looks like he wants to kill himself (which is understandable).  Dilfer is a nobody who is not qualified to talk about playing quarterback at an elite level.  How the hell does Herm know what a Super Bowl caliber team looks like?  Mark Schlereth would be a better analyst without a voice box.  Chris Mortensen just lies about everything.  The one thing that stands out here:  NONE OF THESE GUYS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!

I hate ESPN's coverage and I didn't even talk about ol' One Eye or Millen or Tim Hasselbeck or kiddie-porn lover Jeremy Green.  You've all been warned.  Never ever ever watch Audibles.  Unless you are curious to see what kind of gay socks Herm is wearing.  I just don't see him topping the pink argyles though.

This is the Best Site Ever

Go here.  Go here now.  Spend at least an hour digging through the archives.  You will not be sorry.  That is all.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Stay Classy, Tressel

(Terrell, meet your father.)

Stand up, Fuckeyes, and be retarded. I know you Fuckeyes will find some completely ruhtarded reason to justify your thinking errors and say, "Fuck yeah, dude. Tressel is fucking tits." But deep down you know that what he did to Ron English's EMU's was classless, even for a turd in a sweater vest like Tressel. I'm not talking about hanging up 70+. I'm not talking about Pryor getting 26 passing attempts even with the game well in hand. There is just one play, and one play only.

Jordan Hall to Tyrone Pryor(Tyrone fits him better) for a 20 yard TD with less than three minutes left in the third quarter. That's bush league bullshit at its Fuckeye finest. There is absolutely no reason for this. EMU is quite possibly the worst FBS team in the nation, and probably worse than half the FCS schools. To throw out a trick play at that point is nothing less than a dong slap to the face. Tressel should be thankful that Ron English and his team were able to show some class and not retaliate with a dirty play. Because you better fucking believe that if I were that coach, Pryor would be shitting...and eating through a colostomy bag.

But hey, just Fuckeyes being Fuckeyes.

The world is so scary when Denardless. Denard, please, pretty fucking please, just step out of bounds. Save the tough running and extra yardage for Big Ten play. When two BGFU players have an angle on you, there is no need to be tackled and cause ER's across Michigan to flood with heart attack patients. Don't ever do that to me again.

On a positive note, WE HAVE THREE QUARTERBACKS! Two of which are nowhere near Denard, but serviceable. It was good to see that Forcier could still come out there and lead the team down the field, even if it was against BG.

But why the fuck isn't Devin Gardner or Forcier redshirting?!?!?! When Forcier didn't get any PT in the first three weeks I thought for sure he was going to redshirt. When Gardner came in after Denard went out and looked solid, I thought for sure Forcier would remain on the bench and redshirt. Now...I don't know what the fuck is going on. Michigan should be set at QB until 2014, that being Gardner's RS Senior year and first or second year as a starter. Without any redshirts from those two QB's, there is a possibility that all of these QB's will be out of the system by 2012. Maybe one of them will fake an injury.

Fuck yeah, Toledo. Just wanted to shout out to my Toledo boys for going to Purdue and beating down those fuckstick shitmakers. I hate Purdue and their fans with a burning passion. MAC Championship!

UGA is a dumpster fire outside an abortion clinic.
Mark Richt best be getting his shit together or he will no longer be welcome in the state of Georgia. When you haven't lost to a team since 1974, there is reason to believe you should probably beat them in 2010. Mississippi State had other plans. I would like to be the first to announce Mark Richt as the U of Colorado head coach in 2011.

Whoever thought JaMarcus Russell would be so hard to replace? Ryan Perrilloux? Nope. Matt Flynn? I guess, but his ring was won against the Fuckeyes so it doesn't really count. Jordan Jefferson? Nope. Jarrett Lee? Nope...and nope again. That defense is sick, but you can't contend in the SEC without competent QB play no matter how big your Lesticles are.

Boise needed to show out and they failed. Oregon State went up and down the field at will. No doubt Boise can score, but if you put them in the SEC or Big Ten for an entire season it would be a bloodbath, sorry.

Remember last week when I said the Big 12 was strong up top? Yeah, I take it all back times one thousand. UCLA is fucking TERRRRBLE! Cincy is fucking TERRRRBLE! Oklahoma only made it out of Cincy with a win because D. J. Woods is so dedicated to his charity work. I still like Nebraska. But disregard everything else about that conference.

Cash Monies.
4-2 last week even after getting my butthole pounded by a missed PAT by TCU. Ass holes.

I'm on Michigan big this week. Indiana only returned 4 starters from an already terrible defense. Denard is going to come back and look to prove he is 100%. It may take Michigan a little while to figure out Indiana's offense, but they will. Look for Michigan to bring a lot of pressure and force some turnovers. Michigan -10.5.

Rejoice commenter Jeff, Clemson is going to pull off the upset against Miami this weekend. The line is at Clemson +3.5 but that will probably move up since the public will look at what Miami did against Pitt and jump all over them. Clemson has the best offense in the ACC and an underrated defense. Getting points at home is easy money.

Oklahoma State has been pretty up crazy numbers and nobody has taken notice. Granted, they have played WASU, Troy, and Tulsa. But TAMU has played the Alma mater of Jeremiah Trotter, FIU, and LA Tech with not nearly as impressive results. TAMU will be going on the road for the first time this season and Oklahoma State is going to explode all over their face. OSU wins BIG! OSU -3.5.

Toledo is a bit unpredictable, but they just won three straight games on the road after being ran out of the Glass Bowl by Arizona. They finally get to come back home and play Wyoming. Wyoming been throttled by strong competition the last three weeks and a trip across county to play a hot Toledo team won't be much relief for them. Toledo -3.

A.J. Green is coming back for UGA and I expect him to blow up in Colorado, who gave up over 450 total yards to Hawaii last week at home. Mark Richt may be interviewing for a new job at Colorado in the near future so I'm sure he will impress. UGA-4.5.

NC State is the class of the ACC....which is kind of like being class president of Hope Schools. Nonetheless, Va Tech comes to town as four point favorites. NC State will win straight up so the points don't really matter, but a little extra cushion doesn't hurt. NC St. +4.

Poll Question: Would you go on a road trip with Grumpy and blow him if he promised to take out his dentures and return the favor? My answer: One million percent YES.

Monday, September 27, 2010

The Worst Of Week Three Vol.IV

I liked this guy the first time...when he was called RoboCop.
Two weeks ago, I had to run to the grocery store around 9 pm because we were out of Diet Mountain Dew and ziploc bags.  Yes, it was a major crisis in the house.  I'm driving up to the store and see a line of guys stacked 20+ deep outside of another establishment.  They were waiting outside of a GameStop.  I wondered why until I saw the posters in the windows.  The new fucking HALO game was being released at midnight and they were waiting in line to purchase it.  Look, I've grown out of my video game phase.  I used to play NCAA Football and Madden until my thumbs bled but that was when I was living on my own and had nothing better to do.  Now that I'm older, I've realized that at some point in every man's life, you need to decide if you are going to contribute to society or not.  Fucking losers who sit on a sidewalk waiting to buy a video game for losers is the definition of "shithead".  Get a fucking life.  You are grown men.  Do something with yourself!  That is embarrassing.  Is it so wrong to wait until the next day to purchase a game?  Are you really that irrelevant that sitting on a sidewalk for hours is considered a good idea?  HALO is lame anyway.  If you want to shoot someone and accomplish something, join the fucking military.  At least there you will be doing something with your life.  I hate fucking nerds.

And you better believe that I secured that Diet Mountain Dew and sandwich bags.  THAT is what you call an accomplishment!

Before we get going, what an inspiring two touchdown loss that was for the Redskins yesterday.  Yes, that's two of the last three years in which the Rams have prevailed over us.  I used to think that eventhough we finish last in the division every year, at least we get to the play the Rams now.  Maybe it's the other way around and the Rams are happy to play the Skins every year.  The defense sucks.  Stephon Heyer is the worst player in football.  Nobody can hang on to the ball.  It's embarrassing.  Although for as shitty as the NFC East is this year, 7 wins might win the division.  Let's get this going.

Honorable Mention:  Carson Palmer.  This guy is fucking terrible.  He's done.  The Bengals are rotten...at least offensively.

Honorable Mention Part 2:  Rex Ryan's Discipline.  Really?  Suspending Beardo Edwards for one whole quarter for his crazy DWI.  I never thought that I could be so disappointed in a man that awesome.  Be a man and sit his ass, Rex.  Then you can go get yourself a goddamn snack.

5. Eli Manning - God, the Giants are a mess.  I'm sort of thinking that may have quit on Tom Coughlin due to his red cheeks and rat-like features.  So far, the 2010 Orlovsky Award for most retarded play of the year has to be that weirdo left-handed interception that 'Tard Manning threw yesterday in the end zone.  That was hilarious.

4. Kareem Jackson - Who?  Oh, he's just the rookie CB that got torched by Roy E. Williams yesterday.  I said it last week and I'll say it again:  Houston's pass defense is fucking AWFUL.  Roy E. is easily the worst WR in football and they made him look like Jerry Rice.  And how about Roy E giving the Texas horns after both of his scores!  He must not have seen his alma mater get their shit stomped by a putrid UCLA team on Saturday.

3. The Chargers - What the hell is wrong with these guys?  Them sucking in September has become an annual occurrence.  How can you give up two kick off returns for touchdowns?  And I am so sick of Phil Rivers' stupid faces.  He is a douche...plain and simple.  I can't believe that anyone on the Chargers actually likes him.  Oh and Norv Turner teams are always frauds.  Never forget that.

2. Garrett Hartley - Seriously, Sean Payton, you need a new kicker.  How many times can they trot that loser out there hoping that he doesn't lose games.  A 29 yarder?!!?!?!  Only the Redskins miss 29 yard field goals.  That was damn solid game though and the Falcons showed a lot of heart.  In the second quarter, they went on a 19 play, 11 minute drive.  That is flat out sick.

1. Mike Singletary - Wow.  I thought that it was a shoe-in when I placed that wager on the Niners winning over 8.5 games.  It seemed too good to be true.  And it was because the 49ers suck.  They are just rolling over and dying out there.  They've tuned the big cross necklace out.  He's not getting through anymore.  Singletary has to go and he can take Alex Smith with him.  The Niners are easily the biggest disappointment in the league this year and no one is really even close (although Ray Rice and his supreme shittiness has to rank second currently).

You know, I banged pretty hard on those video game nerds earlier in this post and I'm going to have to retract that a bit.  Playing Halo with other pedophiles across the country has to be more fun than watching the Redskins clumsily fuck a football for three hours each week.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Doesn't It Sort Of Suck To Be A Buckeye?


How many times do I have to tell you that I'm afraid of the SEC!

DISCLAIMER: For God's sake, calm down, you assholes. Read the entire fucking post before you start telling me how great you are. The fact that your blood pressure rose threefold just from the title alone is extremely pathetic. Let me state my case and then you can respond in a cordial and calm demeanor. Fair?

I just don't understand how Buckeye fans do it. Why do you keep going to the games? Why do you still act like Saturdays are a big fucking deal? They really aren't. No, this is not me railing against college football in favor of the vastly superior NFL again. In fact, it's sort of a back-handed compliment if you think about it. Since you don't think like normal people though, I will explain.

Will any of you anOSU fans admit that the season kind of sucks? I mean, you have 3 or 4 games that will even be played within two touchdowns. Doesn't that sort of blow though due to its anti-climactic nature? Doesn't it get old watching your team get up by 40 points in the first half and then pretty much take a knee for the third and fourth quarter? Obviously, I don't think you should apologize for being better than almost everyone else out there and nor do I expect you to want to be worse. I just think that it would get old and less important to you when you get older to see the same thing every damn week.  There isn't enough beer in the world that would make me interested in an Ohio U blowout win.

Wouldn't you rather take a Saturday afternoon off from watching your boys kill Indiana and take the wife out shopping for modern bedding?  No?  Well, you chose wisely because no man should ever be subjected to that.  But that being said, and again it's not an indictment of how successful the program has been, I just don't get how everyone can be so pumped about a season in which 75% of the games are over before they start.  And I sure as shit don't understand why over 100,000 dickheads would pack that stadium for games against Eastern Michigan and Ron Zook.

Is it more fun being a Michigan fan right now where the unknown of the season results is exciting and nerve-racking at the same time?  After all, the journey from average to great is one of the best parts about being a fan.  Perhaps but I doubt that Ohio State would want to be in the position that the Wolverines are in.  So I guess that I just really want to know how you guys do it?  How do you act like you care and that every game matters?  Seriously, I'm interested.  And if any of you gives some faggy answer like "it's called being a fan" then just don't bother commenting.

Also, a friendly reminder that tomorrow is the Damman 30th Birthday Bash as well as the G$ 30th Birthday Box Social!  Good times will be had by all.  The Bier Stube on High St. is the place to be what with it's cheap beer, cheap shots, ample TV's, dankness, and excellent jukebox.  Damman already turned 30 on Wednesday, but I've still got a few days left in my 20's.  Come on out and have a mediocre time.  At least the Oregon State/Boise State game will keep you entertained.

CSNstores.com has deemed you losers fit for another giveaway.  This time, we're giving away a $75 gift card to the online store.  Leave a comment related to today's excellent topic to enter the sweepstakes.  I'll announce the winner on Monday.  Trust me, I do accept bribes.  So if you show up to our Bash and Box Social and offer the two of us something free, well, I will remember you come drawing time.  Unless I blackout...which is possible.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The Easiest Jobs In Sports: An Open Forum

Anyone else freaked out that this guy has a third hand coming from his ass?
Well, the Larry Johnson Era is over in DC.  The spittin' sumbitch was unceremoniously released on Tuesday night.  His 5 carries for 2 yards will always be remembered fondly inside of FedEx Field.  Personally, his -10 rush last Sunday was just a thing of beauty.  For those wondering what the hell the Redskins were doing by bringing in Willie Parker and The Ladies Man in this offseason, don't worry about it anymore.  Make sure you adjust your fantasy football teams accordingly though as this news will likely shake your league to the core!

Larry had an interesting job with the Skins though.  He got less than 5 carries per game and played on zero of the special teams units.  With the exception of big fucking black guys trying to kill him on those 5 carries, he had one of the easiest jobs in football.  Just stand there on the sideline, act like you're paying attention, and collect that big fucking check every week.  Well, those days are over (probably forever now) but it did get my mind racing.  Exactly what are the easiest jobs in sports?  I came up with 7 of them:

7. Long Snapper - This was made even better because the NFL banned defenders from jacking this dude while his head was between his legs.  Most long snappers have almost zero football skills at all with the exception of firing an accurate football past his ass.  The only dangerous part of the job is going after the punt returner and risking getting drilled while on the chase.  But all in all, snapping the ball is pretty simple. 

6. Pro Wrestling Champion - The hardest part of the gig is getting to the top.  Once you are there, it's cake.  You get to win all of your matches.  You can talk on the microphone as long as you want.  You get a sweet gold belt.  And more importantly, you never lose.  The job of wrestling writers is to make the champion look good.  That means that they always get to beat everyone's ass.  Do you know why an old fucker like Hulk Hogan wrestled into his 60's?  Because they never asked him to take powerbombs and shit like that.  Being awesome has it's advantages.  I would know.

5. Golf Swing Coach - This is the ultimate brainwash position.  Once you are hired, the golfer will do whatever you tell him.  And they already have built-in excuses for poor performances by the mentee.  It's either, "he's still working with his new swing coach" or "he just didn't play well".  It's never anything about how the swing guru knows jack shit.  If that guy really knew what he was talking about then why isn't he winning every tournament?  Exactly.  These people are frauds.  I HAVE EXPOSED YOU ALL!!!

4. Bullpen Coach - I have no idea if this job is harder than I think it is, but this is what I think the entire gig is about:
***bullpen phone rings***
Bullpen Coach - Yeah?
Manager - Get Sanchez up.
BC - OK
And then he stands next to the relief pitcher until he's ready.  That's it.  Sure, they may have to pitch batting practice once or twice a week, but bullpen coach has to be the least stimulating job on the planet.

3. NBA 12th man - I would have ranked this #1 but it can't be that easy to embarrass yourself that much.  Do you think it's fun to be Brian Scalabrine or Jack Haley?  Hell no.  Sure, you get to live like an actual pro athlete, but at what cost?  Their legacy is based upon how adamantly they waved their little towel when the team was winning.  It would be nice to collect that pay check though.  I hate Scalabrine.

2. NASCAR pit crew gas man - Some dork on Survivor this season is a "jack man" on a racing crew.  I thought that that was kind of badass.  That takes some skill and I assume some muscle to do that.  Also kind of cool:  the guys that can change two tires in 14 seconds.  Not cool?  The bag of dicks that dispenses the gas into the car.  Any jackfuck could do that.  That isn't a skill.  Why does that guy even need to wear a helmet anyway?  I hate the gas man.

1. Backup soccer goalie - I actually did some research on this.  The Crew have played 25 games this year and the starting goalie has started every single one of them.  The backup has ONE save all season.  Why even carry a second goalie anyway?  They only play like once a week in this gay sport and goalies move about forty total feet per game and thus should never get tired.  What is the point of this guy?  It must be nice knowing that you have a 4% chance of playing in a game.  I'd take those odds. 

What do you think of my list?  Did I forget someone in the sports realm with a simpler job?  I think that I covered everything that I wanted to.  I thought about the punter and the DH and Scot Pollard, but I just didn't feel like they were worthless enough.  And to answer your question, yes, Mr. Ace is the backup goalie to this fine site.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Suck My Vick

Pre-prison Vick was a fundamentally sound quarterback.
Don't get me wrong, Mike Vick is still a scumbag but we already know that.  Nothing that comes out now is going to change anyone's opinion about him as a man.  He could cure AIDS and would still be despised.  But I've watched quite a bit of the first two Eagles games this year and one thought keeps coming to mind (no, not that Andy Reid is a blimp):  Dude, Vick is pretty damn fun to watch.

Now obviously he is never going to be as accurate as Peyton, but I have a hard time trying to think of someone more entertaining than Vick.  The way that he avoided a sack by the Lions DE on the blindside by just instinctively spinning out of it was amazing.  It doesn't appear that years inside a federal prison has slowed him down at all.  And I don't know how or why (and the sample size is small), but Vick seems "smarter".  It's like he is finally starting to get what it takes to play quarterback (it's 80% decision-making and 20% not killing pets).

Look, the NFC East sucks this year.  I know it and you know it, too.  Any of those teams can win it with a 9-7 record.  Vick should be starting for Philly.  He gives them the best chance to win.  I really don't get why Shamu is being so stubborn about this anyway.  Kevin Kolb may be the quarterback of the future, but Vick is the QB now.  He's going to be gone next year anyway.  If this is just an ego trip that will allow Reid not to admit that he was wrong to go with KK over McNabb, then that is retarded.  In that division, you aren't allowed to rebuild (which explains why the Skins have been awful for a decade).  You have to win every year.  Sitting a better player in favor of a shittier one makes zero sense.  And let's be honest here, the Eagles are losing O-lineman to injury faster than the amount of time it takes Uncle T to shit out all of the nut-juice deposited up his ass.  Wouldn't it be better to have a QB that can avoid the blitz rather than a statue coming off of a concussion?  Why hasn't Andy Reid been fired yet?  Has there ever been another instance where a worse player played over a better one?

Before I stop giving Mike Vick another toothy prison BJ, lets talk about his future.  If Derek Jeter is having one of the worst contract years ever, Vick is the complete opposite.  As I said earlier, it's just two games but they showed that he still has the talent to be a top ten QB in the league (against some pretty solid defenses).  Between Mallett, Luck, and maybe Locker, three teams are going to invest in a first round QB next April.  In my opinion, there are 5-7 teams looking for a QB going into next offseason (MIN, OAK, BUF, JAX, ARI, and maybe CLE and SF).

I don't see Oakland happening because putting a convicted felon out in Raider Nation is a fucking horrible idea.  Vick's people would never allow that to happen.  Jacksonville will probably never employ another black QB after they finally cut the increasingly terrible David Garrard.  The Browns may foolishly think that Colt McCoy should get another year and Alex Smith actually looked pretty good Monday.  That leaves three teams:  Minnesota, Buffalo, and Arizona.

The Vikings are intriguing because there is some playoff talent there.  Putting Vick and AP in the same backfield would be nasty.  After this coming awful season by Favre, there wouldn't be too big of shoes to fill.  And he's better than what they've got left.  The Cardinals need some help, too, as their window is closing.  Vick throws a good deep ball and those receivers would be really good for him.

But I think that the answer is Buffalo.  The Bills need him.  He needs a distraction-free place like upstate New York.  Unless you are Marshawn Lynch, who gets in trouble in Buffalo?  They need a playmaker.  Vick brings that.  They need to get people interested again.  Vick brings that.  They need a QB that can handle the end of the season games in Buffalo.  Vick can do that because he doesn't rely on accuracy anyway and teaming him up with that run game would be lethal.  Think about it for a minute.  The Bills are going to either be picking 1 or 2.  They could take Ryan Mallett and give him 55 million guaranteed.  OR they could sign a proven playmaker to something like 5 years/30-35 million with behavioral clauses and incentives AND get the best offensive lineman in the draft.  I think it makes too much sense for the Bills NOT to do this.  Which is why they probably won't and continue to be meaningless to everyone except for Chris Berman.

In conclusion, I think that we all forgot how entertaining Mike Vick can be on the football field.  At 31, there is still a LOT of good football left for him to play.  Unfortunately, Andy Reid is going to make us forget about him again.  Much like he forgot about being a decent dad.

***Well, fuck you, Andy Reid.  Naming Vick the starter after I already wrote this.  Whatever...I'm not changing it.

I Don't Think So, Tim

Why yes, this shirt is flannel, you coked-up queer.  Go do another shitty Santa movie.
This headline (and my title) made me laugh.  Credit next door neighbor, Wilson, for breaking the story.

Wisconsin loses star LB Borland for year

***insert stupid Tim Allen gorilla grunt***

I have no idea who this guy is and if he's any good or not, but it made me think about Home Improvement and that's all I needed for a post.  That show pretty much sucked by the way.  Is there any doubt that all three of those kids are gay?  I've always felt that Debbe Dunning had the superior Tool Time tits though.  She was incredible.

This also gives me chance to link to this post as well as this one both from 2007.  Speaking of Family Feud, I heard that Steve Harvey is going to be the new host.  Fuck no.  Just end the show now.  Always remember, The Money Shot is your HOME for all Richard Karn related stories.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Dantonio Is Such a Tease

(The only two things anybody likes about Sparty)

I hate Mark Dantonio about as much as I love Mike Hart, which is with the fire of a million suns. Here are two examples of why I feel this way about both:


Hilarious.


Pussy Douche Bag.

Dantonio is the embodiment of "Little Brother", and it makes me smile. I hope RichRod sends him some Maize and Blue flowers in the hospital...and a 20 oz. steak with chili cheese fries.

When your defense is offensive. I didn't watch any of the Michigan game. I was stuck shopping all day and working all night. Great Saturday, indeed. But it's probably a good thing I didn't watch because I would have probably ended up in a hospital bed right next to Dantonio. My only goal for Michigan going into the UMass game was that Denard Robinson would not see the field in the second half. Obviously, that didn't happen. Denard was forced to do what he does best and carry Michigan to the victory. Hooray.

We all know what the problem is here. The defense's ineptitude is absurd. It's one thing to let Douche Crist march up and down the field on you, it's another thing to allow an FCS team to grind it up your ass for the entire game. This wasn't UMass getting lucky or breaking off huge plays for scores. No, this was UMass putting together drive after drive and embarrassing the Michigan defense. UMass' longest play was 19 yards. They dominated time of possession; 37:38 to 22:22. I don't even have any jokes to throw in here. Yeah I do. Michigan's defense gets about as much penetration as commenter Drew...with his chapstick dick. Our defense is fucking terrible. Bowling Green might put up 50.

The Big Ten is not the SEC. Just when all you Big Ten fans confidence was beginning to brim over, back to reality you go. I predicted a Wisconsin upset via Arizona State last week and was a blocked PAT away from it happening in OT. Then Iowa went down to Arizona and let the nation see why I thought Iowa was the most overrated team in the Big Ten. Then Sparty needed a trick play to beat ND at home in OT. Just compare the ranked teams and see who you think is better.

Fuckeyes vs. Bama? Uh, Bama. Not really that close.

Wisconsin vs. Florida? After last week I don't know how you can pick Wiscy here.

Arkansas vs. Iowa? Arkansas hasn't played anybody yet...but did you see what Nick Foles did to Iowa's defense. Mallet would PWN.

South Carolina vs. Michigan? Nobody can stop Denard.

LSU vs. Penn State? Les Miles is a tard, but that defense would be too much for Boldin.

Auburn vs. Michigan State? Dantonio would fake another heart attack.

How can I put this a way you will understand? The SEC is Amy Reid, perfect 10. The Big Ten is Lisa Ann, fully capable of putting up a number one performance, but lacks the consistency to hold down the top spot. The Big Ten is number 2...maybe number 3. The Big 12 is looking pretty strong at the top, Hannah Hilton. Maybe next year, Big Ten.

Last Weekend in Abortions.
Houston's Case Keenum went down with a torn ACL and is out for the year. But Houston rebounded and brought in backup Cotton "That's my real name" Turner...and he broke his collarbone and is out for the year. Houston changed its team name from Cougars to Dumpster Fire.

Should Houston Nutt be on the hot seat? Or the better question, is Ole Miss okay with the Cotton Bowl being their ceiling during the Nutt era? I think Ole Miss is an attractive college job and Ole Miss would be doing themselves a favor to send the Nuttster out the door. He turned Jevon Snead from a Top 10 draft pick to an undrafted bum. Now Masoli is going from Heisman contender/criminal to....just a criminal. He's gotta go, right?

Michigan's defense. But you already knew that.

Looking Ahead to Next Week...
Denard Robinson plays less than two quarters. Please.

My betting card got ass raped by late garbage TD's last week. First it was Minny on Saturday. Then it was Detroit and St. Louis on Sunday. Hopefully the Dantonio heart attack is a sign that my fortunes are changing.

If you're looking for a game to bet before Saturday, I like TCU -17 over SMU. SMU only beat Washington State by 14, which is the sign of a horrible team. TCU knows how to win big and keep the voters on their side.

Virginia Tech is going to do what they do every year. They get embarrassed in an early non-conference game, then when ACC play roles around they kick it into gear. Virgina Tech -4.

Temple +16 at Penn State? Hell yes.

Jim Harbough always has his team ready for a big game. ND is coming off two back breaking losses. Stanford -4 is a mega lock.

Texas -16. This is a joke right? UCLA beats up on Houston's number three QB at home and now they are only 16 point dogs at Texas? UCLA will not score more than 9 points.

Oregon will slaughter Arizona State. Nobody in the PAC 10, save maybe Stanford, has the offense to hang with Oregon. Oregon -11.

The Big Ten is taking another week off to pound cupcakes, but there are still plenty of good matchups this weekend; Bama/Hogs, WVU/LSU, OSU/Boise, SC/Aub. Should be a much more entertaining week of college football.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go take care of my Campdick.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Worst Of Week Two Vol.IV

These mongoloids could start for the Bills.
I don't really care for Subway all that much.  It's a generic sandwich that is far from fresh and very far from delicious.  But sometimes, you want to only spend $5 and be full for a few hours and that is where Subway come in to play.  That is the problem though because Subway only hires the dumbest people.  Look, I order one of two things:  the sweet onion chicken teriyaki or the southwest steak and cheese.  Yet EVERY FUCKING TIME I order, those fuck-ups ask me what sauce I want on the sandwich.  Would it still be a sweet onion chicken teriyaki with marinara sauce?  No.  I ordered it because I wanted the sweet onion paste.  And if I didn't want the chipotle sauce, I would have just ordered a regular fucking steak and cheese.  They used to advertise that their employees were "sandwich artists".  Subway must be dropping their standards because these assholes are the worst.  I can't tell you how many times that my "fresh" veggies included numerous strips of brown lettuce and tomato slices that were more black than red.  Subway fucking sucks.  Get fucked, Subway.  I have never had a worse sub in my life.

I've been wanting to skewer Subway for awhile now and I just watched the Redskins piss away a win in overtime so let's just say that I'm ready to vent.

Honorable Mention - Mark Dantonio's Heart!  I didn't watch one play from this game and have still yet to see a highlight.  I was too busy getting amazingly wedding drunk while trying to secure late night Pagliai's chicken breadstix.  Both were accomplished.  I guess that MSU won in overtime over Notre Dame on a fake field goal.  Wank, wank, wank.  It was such a dramatic ending that Sparty's coach wanted to die in the locker room afterwards.  Man, why couldn't this happen to Urban Meyer. He is so due for some sweet, sweet death.  Are heart attacks funny?  If you are an asshole football coach then yes...yes they are.

5. The New York Jets Haters - Well, that was quite the dramatic change.  For as fucking horrible as the Jets were against the Ravens, they looked damn good against Fagboy Brady.  Just because they have some injuries and their quarterback sucks and their quarterback fucking sucks does not mean that they are going to lose 10 games.  Rex Ryan ain't fucking going anywhere, bitches.  Do you think that Tom Brady sniffs his own farts?  I bet that he does.

4. The Redskins and Texans defenses - That was an entertaining game and I was interested to see how both teams would respond from week one's emotional wins.  Were either of these teams for real?  Can they both make the playoffs?  Well, I don't think that either team is for real but at the same time, they sure as Hell can both make the postseason with a break or two.  The secondaries on both squads are just rotten.  Joey Galloway?  Kevin Walter?  They shouldn't be having big games in the UFL!  By the way, I hate the way that coaches ice kickers.  It's such a fag move.  This is football.  It is not a game of deception and slyness.  It's about being a man with a bigger dick than your opponent.  Sneaking a timeout in before the snap is pussy shit.  Thank God that the Skins can rebound with the assRams next weekend.  The Texans have allowed over 425 yards in passing in both of their games this year.  Not good.  The Redskins can't run the ball and are starting to get hurt.  Not good either.

3. Shitty Quarterbacks - It was as if every mediocre QB in the NFL yesterday was just terrible.  David Garrard's faux-pimp ass got pined, J-Camp earned his benching, Matt Moore was beyond rotten, Derek Anderson could still not start for most high school teams in Vermont, Joe Flacco was throwing some lovely picks all over southwest Ohio, and Vince Young was dogshit.  Total dogshit.  And you can't mention terrible quarterbacks without talking about Charlie Batch who, for some reason, is still getting PT in the NFL in 2010.  Oh and Tony Romo is still a loser.  Never forget about that.  Romo is the biggest loser in the NFL.  I will continue to scream this until I'm in the grave, if Tony Romo is an elite quarterback then I take part in nightly threesomes with Christina Hendricks and Alison Brie.  And that ain't happening.

2. Coaches looking to get fired - It's going to be really interesting to see who gets canned first this year.  I don't know about you all, but I love it when people get fired.  It's always so interesting.  What did they do?  How did they react to the news?  Was feces involved?  I'm so nosy if I hear that someone our floor at work got fired.  Even if I don't know the person, I still want to know if they embezzled money or something.  Anyway, I think that if the Rams had won yesterday, Tom Cable would be unemployed today.  I would have guaranteed that.  Really though, I think that this is a four horse race for the first coach with the pink slip and they all BLEW ASS yesterday (other than Cable).  Eric Mangini, as I stated on Friday, will not make it past the bye week and the Browns are definitely starting 0-9.  The Cowboys were likely counting the Redskins and Bears as wins...whoops.  Wade is going back to the ranch early this year.  And, of course, Ol' Pederast Beard himself, Brad Childress, is as good as gone.  The Vikings aren't good and that offense is terrible.  Speaking of that offense...

1. Brett Favre - They say that good things come to those who wait.  We've all been waiting for this chicken-fried fuckface to go away for years and he just won't take the hint that we don't want him around anymore.  Fortunately, his eroding skills are going to take care of that.  I watched a good chunk of this game and Favre was absolutely terrible.  And Peterson was KILLING it, too, but it didn't matter because the Cumslinger was throwing more passes right into the Dolphins's chests than he was his own players.  It was schadenfreude at it's finest.  By the way, I said in my preseason predictions that neither the Cowboys or Vikings would make the playoffs.  Yeah, I know more than you do.

God dammit, I can't believe that the Skins let Bernard Pollard block that fucking field goal.  We should be two fucking games up on Dallas in the division right now.  Bullshit.  Oh...what was that?  You want to know what sauce I'd like on my meatball $5 footlong?  Fuck you.  Be nice to Ace tomorrow.  He works at Subway and attended Subway University (AKA U of Toledo).  Thanks for not being able to stop Jahvid Best, fag.

Friday, September 17, 2010

A Friendly Reminder

Just to remind all of you studs out there, the "Damman and G$'s 30th Birthday Bash" is still set for a week from tomorrow.  Actually, everyone says "bash".  I don't want to use bash for this random event of drunken chicanery.  I'm classy.  Damman can have a bash if he wants but I'm cordially inviting you to "G$'s 30th Birthday Box Social".  Only scotch will be served.

Anyway, we sent out a bunch of invites on Facebook so if you didn't get one, no one likes you.  Nah, that's not true.  It's more like everyone hates you.  But in case you need the details again, it's Saturday 9/25 at the Bier Stube on campus (9th and High).  For some odd reason, the Eastern Michigan/Ohio State game is at 3:30 which should delay the sloppiness.  And that's nice since both of our parents will be in attendance.  I assume that everything will be taken up a notch some time around 6.

So there is your warning.  You've got less than a week to buy me a gift.  Since it's a milestone birthday, I expect something nice.  And let's be honest, I've helped you get through your shitty days for 4+ years now.  The only things that I've told people to buy me are nice bottles of whisky and vodka.  No rum though.  Rum is for gay men.  And no tequila/Jagermeister either.  I'm saying goodbye to my 20's after all.  Nothing worse than Grey Goose or Maker's Mark.  I want the good shit.  For my wedding, Mr. and Mrs. Wig Master got us a big bottle of Belvedere...best gift ever.  A red bow on the bottle would be a class act.

Who am I kidding?  The only thing that I'm going to get are a few lukewarm bottles of Bud Light and horrible conversations about Ohio State football.  It's going to suck.  I already hate being 30.  A few notes before we go:

*The Browns better fucking win this week or Mangini isn't going to be around by Halloween.  I still find it funny that some people thought that this team would be .500 or even better.  They are awful.  Even if they beat the Chiefs on Sunday, which would be an upset to me, they are going to lose their next 7.  Don't believe me?  Baltimore, Atlanta, Pittsburgh, Cincy, New Orleans, the Jets, and New England.  All losses.  But maybe we should be rooting for the Browns to start 0-9 and for Mangini to get shitcanned.  The NFL could use another Ryan running a show.  I assume that Rob Ryan is at least 90% as awesome as his brother.  He has to be.

*Really?  Derek Jeter is all of a sudden a cheater?  I don't get the backlash of him faking getting hit by a pitch.  So what?  He should be commended for his awareness of the situation.  When an umpire tells you to go to first, why would you tell him differently?  It's just like when a pitch grazes a guy's jersey.  Technically, it didn't hit you at all but what kind of an idiot tells the truth in that situation?  No, you milk that shit.  People have been applauding Jeter for his intangibles for years, well, this is what they have been talking about.

Eh, I'm out of here.  Only working a half day today.  You get half of my ass in return.  Have a good weekend.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Vaginas: An Open Forum

Oh just fuck already.
When you read the title of this post, I assume that you thought that this was part two of the legendary Porn Day that we all loved a few months ago.  It is not.  We're talking about a different sort of pussy today.

Drew, in an offhanded sort of way, mentioned fantasy baseball playoffs yesterday.  If you remember my reply, I noted that I am in the semifinals of both leagues that I am in.  But one of my teams has been treading water at first base for the past two plus months (Daric Barton and Gaby Sanchez are awful) and I am certain that if I were to lose, it is solely because of him.  Who is it, you ask?  Why it just so happens to be the biggest pussy in sports (in my opinion), JUSTIN MORNEAU.

This guy is a fucking twat.  A real cunt.  On July 7th, he was sliding into second base to break up a double play and took a knee to the head.  Initial reports were that he would miss a few games.  That was over two months ago and he still isn't back yet.  And he probably isn't coming back until Opening Day 2011.  What a snatch.  I bet that he can pull off a DVDA.  Please allow me to present a laundry list of reasons as to why Justin Morneau is a gaping vagina.

-The knee to the head was courtesy of John McDonald
-John McDonald himself is a walking gash incapable of seriously hurting anything or anyone
-He was wearing a helmet
-Morneau still can't handle bright lights TEN WEEKS after the incident
-He's Canadian
-His middle name(s) is "Ernest George"
-One of his favorite players growing up was John Olerud (WTF???)
-He still has not given the 2006 MVP Award to its rightful recipient
-As a minor leaguer in Florida, he experienced homesickness, and would log onto a Vancouver radio station online to hear the weather and traffic reports, and wonder what his friends were up to back home (GAY)
-As a young hockey player, he would refuse to leave the car for hockey games until the clock read :33 minutes past the hour
-The only name pussier than Justin is Dustin.
-He pretty much got his ass beat by John McDonald

Look, I realize that in todays age, concussions are nothing to fuck with.  No one wants to spend the rest of their days like Merrill Hoge.  But dude, it's been ten weeks.  Quit being a little bitch.  Actually, after researching this a bit, apparently this was Morneau's either fourth or fifth concussion.  Whatever.  I've got a fantasy baseball title to defend, fag.  Put on some sunglasses and get your ass back in the batter's box.

I was trying to think of someone who is a bigger pussy than Morneau.  Is, not has (because we all know that Iceman's mom has the biggest snizz).  The only other true contender would be LaDainian Tomlinson in the playoffs.  No one rides a stationary bike with his helmet on better than LT.

So I leave it up to you, commenters.  Am I forgetting about a larger vagina?  Is there someone out there who milks injuries more than this big Canadian fuck?  Will Mr. Ace please write about porn again?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Preparing For What Appears To Be The Inevitable

There is no way that this pitch was a strike.
Alright, boys, we've been talking about football non-stop for the past two weeks or so.  Let's take a deep breath and enjoy at least one day off of the gridiron.  You'll live.  And I don't really have anything more to discuss there anyway.

OK, so the Yankees and Rays are banging dicks together this week (and next) trying to sort out the AL East and the Wild Card.  Personally, I don't think that it matters.  Both teams are making the postseason and both teams will dominate either the Rangers or Twins.  Yeah, that's going to happen.  To be honest, I'd rather not win the division to play Minnesota since they know that they can't beat the Yankees.  Only an asshole would want to face Cliff Lee twice in a 5 game series.

So what is the point of this?  I'm not necessarily conceding the season, I just want to take a pre-emptive strike by saying that I don't have a good feeling about how this season ends.  In fact, I am 90% certain that there will be a new World Series winner this October.  Don't believe me?  Here are 5 ironclad, HUGE holes in the Yankees roster that will fuck them in the postseason.

5. They strike out ALL THE TIME - I don't remember any Yankees team swinging and missing more than this one.  And it makes sense when you think about the age of the team along with their inability to hit pitchers that throw harder than 95.  They have slow bats...except for Marcus Thames.  But he swings a club much like Captain Caveman.  I never thought that I'd like Thames, but I have a thing for huge black guys that hit bombs (see:  Hill, Glenallen).

4. Jorge Posada is awful - It used to just be his defense.  He can't catch anything.  He literally drops strikes.  He hasn't thrown out a baserunner since 2002.  He calls a terrible game and handles pitchers poorly.  He used to be able to mask this with his bat but not anymore.  Jorge can't hit now either.  I can't wait for the Jesus Montero Era to begin.  Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

3. Joe Girardi is even dumber this year - Last season, I thought that the Yankees won the title in spite of their shitty over-manager.  Well, he's doing the same shit this year.  Why he keeps putting Chad Gaudin into games, I will never understand.  If he wants to go manage the Cubs, then go.  He will not be missed.  Any dipshit that would want to work for the Cubs over the Yankees shouldn't be a part of the team anyway.

2. Other than CC, there is no one - And that sucks.  After Monday night's epic Price/CC duel that Sergio Mitre blew, it hit me.  He's the only guy that I trust.  It speaks to how bad the rotation has been considering that Ivan Nova has been the #2 starter over the past month.  Who knows what we're going to get from Andy Pettitte?  All the pressure in the world is on CC.  Let's say that Liriano beats CC in game 1 of the LDS.  We're going to get swept.  Burnett, Vazquez, and Hughes...yeah, those three aren't scaring lineups.

1. Derek Jeter pretty much sucks - This might go down as the worst contract year in the history of sports.  If he wants to keep getting paid 20 million per season, a .261 batting average with below average defense isn't really the statement you want to make.  He's been bad all season.  I don't know why (other than our pussy manager having no balls) he is still hitting leadoff.  No one has been less clutch this year than Derek.

The only part of the team that I am confident in is the bullpen and I never thought that I'd say that.  2nd best record in baseball or not, this team is kind of a mess and in one nice little tail spin right now.  And let's not forget about the injuries, but that's no excuse.  That's the price you pay for being a champion.  Repeating is supposed to be tough.  In conclusion, I just don't see title #28 coming to the Bronx this season.  Annnnnnd over the course of writing this, the Rays scored 7 runs in the bottom of the 5th.  Ugh.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Lets Get Denarded, Again

(ALL HAIL DENARD)

G$ covers all things terrible in the NFL on Mondays, and on Tuesday's I plan on making The Money Shot college football central. Which basically means we will talk Michigan and Fuckeye football as well as some of the biggest abortions of the week.

First things first, Denard Robinson is a fucking monster. In the words of the great(NOT) Pat Forde, "Michigan's Denard Robinson went Vince Young Plus Tax on Notre Dame." Indeed. After he single-handedly dismantled UConn last week he knew all eyes would be on him in South Bend. He didn't crumble under the pressure as a sophomore in his second start. He shattered all expectations and dominated from beginning to end. Now, I'm not one to overreact and make all kinds of crazy predictions so....oh who the fuck am I kidding, Denard Robinson has me thinking about going bowling BCS style. With Denard all things are possible.

On the other side of that game, the next big faggot at ND, Dayne Crist. If you watched that game you had to see what kind of fuck he truly is, right? As I told one of my friends who is an ND fan, "Dayne Crist is Jimmah Clausen without the talent...which just makes him a douche bag." There was nothing more gratifying than watching that faggot complete the final pass of the game to a Michigan band tuba player. Eat a dick. It's a shame he didn't go blind.

Manti Te'o. This is the best linebacker in all of college football. I don't know how a 6'2", 250 lb. Hawaiian Mormon ends up at Notre Dame, but they are lucky to have him. 13 tackles, 1 TFL, 1FF, and 1 pass break up, that's a hell of a stat line for a true sophomore.

Brian Kelly is the master of belittling young quarterbacks.

How about them Fuckeyes? I can't possibly be the only person to come away unimpressed, right? Don't get me wrong, it was a great win for them and the Big Ten--like I give a shit--but nothing I saw made me think National Championship. I don't see any improvement in Pryor, sorry. He throws a helluva deep ball, but his accuracy is piss poor--when's the last time you heard that expression? 12 for 27? That might be acceptable as a freshman, but not as a Junior who is a Heisman favorite and supposed be leading his team to a National Title. 20 carries for 113 yards? Denard does that shit in his sleep. Three field goals of less than 25 yards? The Fuckeyes had so many opportunities to put that game away but the offense just couldn't finish the job. I know Fuckeyes, I'm just a hater, but don't be surprised when Pryor struggles against the top teams in the Big Ten.

As for the defense, they did a great job of not giving up the big play. The same can't be said for the special teams, but that's another story. I still didn't see a dominate defense, though. Miami was able to move the ball down the field pretty well despite having a hobbled Jacory Harris and being without Graig Cooper. Obviously, Harris' four interceptions were the difference in the game, but three of those were absolute gifts. Two came off deflections right into Fuckeye's hands and one was thrown directly into Chekwa's hands because the WR ran the wrong route. Tough to put those on Harris, just the Fuckeyes being in the right places. A strong showing, but Fuckeyes, lets go ahead and remove "dominant" from your vocabulary.

anOSU does deserve props for one thing; they didn't cave to Bron Bron's crazy demand to have a full police escort at the game. Fuck him... maybe that was why Pryor sucked.

Pro Abortion Saturday's.
How great was it to see Virginia Tech lose? And it had nothing at all to do with Virginia Tech. Boise State lost all of their first place votes but one. So much for that National Title shot.

Florida is still a complete and total fraud. South Florida dominated the entire first half, but the game changed when South Florida's running back fumbled on the Florida 10 yard line. Florida broke out some big plays, USF turned it over some more, and it was over. But John Brantley is a bum. Florida is losing four games this year.

At some point doesn't Georgia Tech have to teach Josh Nesbitt how to throw? I get it, Tech will run for over 300 yards every week, but if Kansas can force Tech to go 4 for 13 on 3rd down conversions and 1 for 4 on fourth down conversions then you might want to have another threat. Score one for Turner Gill.

Looking ahead to next week...
Denard Robinson plays for less than two quarters. Please.

Sorry Big Ten fans, Wisconsin is getting upset by Arizona State. Definitely taking ASU +15.5.

Notre Dame will rebound and beat Sparty. ND +3.

After USC beats Minny by 30 Tim Brewster will be fired. USC -14.

Nebraska rolls through UW, showing they are the best team in the Big 12(10). Neb -4.5.

Next Saturday is Cupcake Saturday so don't expect too many great matchups. The only game featuring two ranked teams is Iowa @ Arizona. Yikes. But there is no such thing as a bad college football Saturday.

Hail to the Victors!

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Worst Of Week One Vol. IV

Booger just wants some human contact.
Every Monday morning, before we get into the shitty performances of the football weekend, I will start things off with a rant.  Let's go.  So I went to the EMU/Miami slugfest on Saturday afternoon.  It was about what I expected:  30% full, rainy, and sad.  But we won and kept it under 52 so everything was cool.  Except for one thing.  Look, I know that umbrellas are banned from the stadium.  But it was pouring, I saw other people bust them out, no one was sitting in the FOUR rows behind me, and you would think that the gameday staff would be cool about it.  They were not.  Myself and the two people sitting next to me were singled out and told to take our umbrellas down.  I'm not white trash so I don't own a poncho.  I'll be damned if I'm going to spend five bucks on a trash bag with sleeves.  Like I said, if anyone was sitting behind us, I would have not opened the thing.  Yet we continued to get harrassed by the staff.  And they said NOTHING to anyone else with an umbrella.  Miami has a hard enough time getting people to come to their home games, alienating the fanbase with iron-fisted cookie cops is not the way to go.  I know that I broke the rules, but come on...go fuck yourself.

Anyway, the worst of the first weekend in the NFL.

Honorable Mention - The ACC:  Oh boy, not good.  I had a feeling that this would be a big breakthrough year for the conference as it appeared that everyone had athletes in place (at least at the top).  Va Tech lost to an ex-president.  Florida State made a lovely statement in Norman.  Jacory Harris came to Columbus with a diaper full of shit and never changed it.  North Carolina's entire team has already signed with agents.  And Georgia Tech apparently can't beat a terrible Kansas team.  Awful.  That may have been the worst weekend for any conference in recent history.

Another Honorable Mention - Mike Singletary:  Getting CRUSHED by an inferior Seattle team AND wearing a footlong crucifix around your neck?  Bad.

5. Matt Ryan - First of all, this game was horrible.  It was way more boring than the Thursday night game.  But it was expected, I suppose.  Dennis Dixon isn't going to do anything great and Matt Ryan is a ginger shitstain.  When is he going to show us something?  When will we see that he is going to be more than a game manager.  He looks a lot more like Brad Johnson than he does Denard Robinson.  I realize that the Steelers defense is nasty, but you can throw on them and Ryan is showing that he can't throw.

4. The Bengals - All of them.  They were down 24 before I farted for the first time.  Obviously, the Patriots are good and all, but we've been told that this year is Super Bowl or bust for the Bingles this season.  Bust it is.  Nah, I'm not writing them off yet, but they HAVE to beat Baltimore next weekend.  And I have a feeling that Mike Zimmer will be up their ass all weekend to, you know, actually tackle and defend the other team.

3. The Colts Defense - Hoo boy, I thought that Arian Foster would be good this year but not that good.  And I heard that Bob Sanders got hurt again.  What a bitch.  I don't know if I'm fully buying the Texans yet just because that game meant more to Houston than Indy, but they at least looked like a playoff team.  And did commenter Jeff enjoy Peyton fucking his butthole?  I bet that he did.

2. Kevin Kolb - Wow.  He certainly did suck donkey balls.  Kolb just looks like a bitch.  Will he even be the starter after he's done faking a concussion?  Vick looked alright but I've got to think that World's Worst Dad would rather have his pet play over the dog killer.  Hey Mr. Ace, do you think that Ryan Mallett will still be available when you guys are picking 7th at the next draft?

1. What happened to the Lions - I hate Jay Cutler.  I never want to see him win anything except for a Biggest Faggot competition.  And he should have lost yesterday.  Megatron got hosed.  That rule is so fucking stupid.  Sure, they got the call right but the rule is not even close to being right.  What was wrong with the old rules of taking two steps with possession or the elusive "make a football move"?  Those make more sense than "completing the catch".  Johnson had FOUR feet AND his hip in bounds with possession.  That is embarrassing.  Roger Goodell fucking sucks.  If this is what the players are striking over, then they should because that rule is terrible and needs to be changed.  The Lions got royally fucked.

I write this before the Sunday Night game every week.  Usually, I just ignore the game and don't update the post afterwards.  That will be different after this one.  You can either put Romo or McNabb as 1A.

FUCK YES REDSKINS!!!  I love it when the Cowboys fucking implode!  Alex Barron is the worst offensive lineman ever.  Jason Garrett sucks.  His offense is the pussiest finesse bullshit in the league.  The Skins didn't play well at all (the defense is still learning the 3-4), but the important thing is WE ARE IN FIRST PLACE AND DALLAS IS IN LAST!!!  Jesus, I'm never going to fall asleep tonight...FUCK THE COWBOYS!

Friday, September 10, 2010

NFL Predictions Part Deux

This is what the entire state of Indiana looks like.
What a great opening night for the NFL!  Sure, the game was a fucking embarrassment to football, but how could you not love Brett Favre losing?  Brett Favre Losing is the greatest event of the year.  Sean Payton's massive ego did an awful job calling plays in the first half.  Garrett Hartley should have competition brought in this week.  Brett Favre still sucks.  That game was terrible.  At least I won money betting on the Saints just to win.  14-9?  The fuck was that?  At least Pierre Thomas did his best to stick it up commenter Jeff's ass (and in return, my own ass to Dut...damn multiple leagues).  Pierre can ball.  Brett Favre can not.  BRETT FAVRE IS A FUCKING LOSER!  It feels good to type-yell that.

Anyway, we finish the NFL prediction posts today by unleashing my AFC thoughts.  Same format as yesterday with no more than three sentences per team.  That is all that you deserve.  Let's hope that you guys can understand this more today, you fucking idiots.

AFC West
1. San Diego 10-6 - It really speaks to how terrible the rest of the division when the Chargers are still worlds better even without two of their best players on offense.  Norv really is in the perfect position.  He does enough to keep his job by winning the division, but you know damn well that he ain't winning in the playoffs.
2. Kansas City 7-9 - They are a year away from passing San Diego.  And how can they not be with great minds like Chaz Weis and Romeo Crennel on the staff?  I don't know if they will be able to stop anybody but they will score and thus be more entertaining to watch.
3. Oakland 5-11 - Sleeper...ha, I think not.  Look, I like Jason Campbell and I wish him the best, but he isn't going to all of a sudden make the Raiders better.  They need to bring back Art Shell much like the Big Ten needs to bring back Art Shell Ref.
4. Denver 4-12 - This team is going to be awful.  They drafted terribly, lost their only good pass rusher, have no weapons on offense, have a quarterback who enjoys Jack Daniels, and their coach is an egomaniacal asshole.  And they drafted Tim Tebow in the first round...never forget that.

AFC South
1. Indianapolis 13-3 - It's not fun to pick the Colts to be good every year, but until they stop being good, I'm going to keep on keeping on.  It all comes down to one guy.  If Bob Sanders can somehow stay healthy all season, they are going to play in the Super Bowl...period.
2. Tennessee 9-7 - I would pick them to win the damn title if they just take Fat Albert off of my hands.  I don't think that Chris Johnson has as huge of a season like he did last year.  Does that mean that I think that VY is going to be huge (no)...but they will grind out wins.
3. Houston 8-8 - Matt Schaub is going to get hurt.  Somehow he made it through all of last season...not this time.  He's just a twat and Brian Cushing is a fag.
4. Jacksonville 4-12 - Why don't they just move this team already?  Their only good player has a shitty knee and their uniforms suck.  But that Jack Del Rio is one dapper sumbitch.

AFC North
1. Cincinnati 11-5 - I'm sort of a believer of this team.  That defense is going to be really good and unless Carson Palmer reverts to playing like Jordan Palmer, they will score.  If you think about it, they really don't have any weaknesses now that Shayne Graham is out of football.
2. Baltimore* 10-6 - Raise your hand if you don't buy into Joe Flacco making the leap this year (raises hand).  You can give him all the receivers in the world, but he is still an ugly fuck that plays like shit in big games.  Oh sure, he'll get into the playoffs, but he isn't going far regardless of who his teammates are.
3. Pittsburgh 8-8 - Not happening this year unless Troy Polamalu plays like the best player in all of football for 16 games.  There just hasn't been anything positive coming out of Pittsburgh this offseason.  And Peter King picking them is like a death sentence.
4. Cleveland 6-10 - Most Browns fans that I know think that this team, led by Jake Delhomme, can win 8 games this year.  These people are fucking crazy.  That schedule is tough (after the first two games), you only have three good players, you have a dead man walking coach, and (again) Jake Delhomme is the starting quarterback...going in the right direction, but it's still going to take some time.

AFC East
1. New England 10-6 - Is it a good sign when your QB gets into a car accident in his faggy Audi three days before game 1?  I have a sense that this might be the last chance for these guys to go after a ring.  But then again, it will be a cold day in Hell before Randy Moss holds the Lombardi trophy.
2. Miami* 10-6 - I don't buy into Chad Henne's forehead flab as much as others do.  But the Phins play smashmouth football and have good fundamentals.  I will always root for a team that features Ricky Williams.
3. New York Jets 9-7 - If you watched the outstanding season of Hard Knocks this summer, you saw that Mark Sanchez is fucking terrible, wears Taco Bell hats, and doesn't take his job seriously.  The Jets are loaded everywhere else but he will sink them...they would be better off going with Mark Brunell (seriously).  Now let's go eat a goddamn snack!
4. Buffalo 1-15 - There is not a worse collection of talent in all of football than what the Bills have.  That team is awful and commenter Daniel could definitely start for them at any position that he wanted to play.  If I were CJ Spiller, I would be demanding a trade already.

First Round: Baltimore over San Diego, Miami over New England
Second Round:  Cincinnati over Baltimore, Indianapolis over Miami
AFC Title:  Indianapolis over Cincinnati
Super Bowl:  Green Bay over Indianapolis

Yep, I'm all-in on the Packers this year like everyone else is.  This is now two years in a row that I haven't picked the Skins to win the Super Bowl.  I must be getting old--looks at driver's license--shit, I turn 30 in less than 3 weeks.  My days of being a productive running back are coming to an end!

HUGE fucking week of both college and pro football.  Personally, I will be in attendance for the biggest game of the weekend...Eastern Michigan at Miami University.  Jealous?  Your ass better be 4-5 pounds fatter when you show up here on Monday.  I know that mine will be.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

NFL Predictions Part One

Sorry, Green Man, but your team isn't going to the playoffs this year.
Can you see my erection?  It is fucking massive right now.  Not only is the NFL back tonight, but the subplot is groin-grabbingly terrific.  Can Gregg Williams finish the job?  He damn near knocked Brett Favre out of the league forever last winter.  Will he send him back to his ranch tonight with his leg in 6 different pieces?  I sure as hell hope so.  With the dawn of a new season means a new set of great predictions by me.  You've all skimmed through Ace's bullshit, but now it's time to get serious.  Am I crazy enough to think that the Vikings AND the Cowboys will be on the outside looking in come January?  Perhaps.  Today we delve into the NFC and tomorrow I get to tell you how stupid Peter King is for picking the Steelers to win the AFC (because I'm sure that karma will allow THAT to happen).  I'm limiting myself to three sentences per team.  Let's go.

NFC West
1. San Francisco 10-6 - This is easy.  Everyone wants to hate these guys because Alex Smiff is their QB, but he is clearly the best QB in that division and it isn't even close.  And with the best defense, running back, and a cake schedule, this is a slam dunk
2. Seattle 7-9 - I have no idea what to think about this team.  Hasselbeck is fucking terrible as are his running backs and receivers.  At least they don't have DA starting.
3. Arizona 6-10 - Derek Anderson is the starting QB.  Derek Anderson was unwanted by a team that gave 14 million to Jake Delhomme this offseason.  Derek Anderson will be benched by week 7 and six wins might be generous.
4. St. Louis 4-12 - Commenter -Rex said it best on Sunday when Dut drafted Steven Jackson, "nice Ram, fag".  The Rams will be a bit more competitive this year which is a direct result of cutting Bobby Carpenter.  I have nothing else to say about this team.

NFC South
1. Atlanta 11-5 - I've got a good feeling about these guys this season.  Burner Turner looks like he's ready to go and as long as Matty Ice isn't terrible, they should make it three winning seasons in a row.  Dunta Robinson was the perfect signing this offseason for that shaky secondary.
2. New Orleans* 10-6 - The defense won't be nearly as good as it was last year (probably because Sharper is out for the first 6 games).  They are going to get everyone's best shot now that they are carrying the crown.  They will still score, but they'll lose some flukey games this year as champs are wont to do.
3. Carolina 7-9 - Personally, I think that John Fox is one of the best coaches in the league and why they have never locked him up long term is extremely questionable.  You can count me in the large group of people who don't buy into Matt Moore.  A kickass running game can only take you so far.  BONUS SENTENCE:  Jimmy Clausen is still a fag!
4. Tampa Bay 4-12 - While Raheem Morris might not be around when it happens, the future is beginning to look a little brighter for the Bucs.  The defensive line and receiving corps are young now but there is some big-time talent there.  Cadillac is going to blow up for three scores against the Browns/Dut on Sunday.

NFC North
1. Green Bay 12-4 - I love this team more than Gilbert Brown loves fried hubcap sandwiches.  They have a good defense and an offense that can put up 35 per game.  This division will be decided by week 15 which may hurt A-Rod's MVP campaign if and when he rests.
2. Minnesota 8-8 - Exactly what on this team makes you feel good going into the season?  It felt like everything broke their way last season and they still couldn't get it done.  The O-line isn't good, neither is the secondary, the receivers are average, the running game is a fumbling machine, and old man river isn't going to do it again...and their coach is a fucking moron.
3. Detroit 5-11 - You won't see it in the W/L columns, but the Lions will be much more competitive this season.  They are still another stud o-lineman away from being an unstoppable offense.  Four times this year we will get to see if Suh can rip off either Favre or Cutler's head.
4. Chicago 3-13 - When was the last time that Mike Martz did a good job coaching exactly?  The Bears best receiver is the tight end which he won't be using.  His protection schemes are awful which means that an already terrible decision maker will need to make even quicker decisions...I smell 25 INT's...and Lovie is getting shitcanned.

NFC East
1. New York Giants 10-6 - I've got a good feeling about the Giants.  They have good receivers, a solid running game, a sick pass rush, and a no-nonsense coach who knows what he's doing.  The less you see of Brandon Jacobs, the better this team will be.
2. Washington* 9-7 - McNabb is playing for a contract which, since it's his last chance at some decent money, should keep him on the field.  The defense will always be good.  When you have the best coach in the division, you will be winning more close games than you lose (never underestimate how inept Wade and Andy are).
3. Dallas 8-8 - This is the year of the Wade/Garrett implosion.  The expectations are just too high for them to win the NFC and play the Super Bowl at home (dealing with pressure is obviously not their strong suit).  They will fail miserably and Jerr-ah Jones will spend the entire offseason trying to lure Chin Cowher down to TIX-ASS.
4. Philadelphia 6-10 - Someone said it the other day, but Kevin Kolb had zero success against base vanilla defenses in the preseason.  Philly fans should have been careful for what they wished for (McNabb leaving).  You would think that after so many damn failures, Andy Reid might realize that running the ball successfully was a smart strategy (and always has been in this league).

First round:  New Orleans over San Fran, New York over Washington
Second round:  Green Bay over New Orleans, New York over Atlanta
NFC Title Game:  Green Bay over New York...because Brett Favre couldn't do it.  And I want all of those faggot Packer fans to forget about Old Man Wrangler to embrace a superior QB.

MVP - Aaron Rodgers
DPOY - Patrick Willis
OROY - Ryan Mathews
DROY - Eric Berry
Are there even any other awards that are given out?  If there is a comeback player, I like Clinton Portis to have a nice season running behind Silverback Williams.  Well, enjoy the game tonight as you wait to find out who I have meeting the Packers in the Super Bowl.  I'll give you a hint...they don't play in Ohio.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

I'm Back With Excellent College Football Metaphors!

I think that I'll fake an aneurysm this season!
Did you miss me?  Judging by the amount of comments that have been registered here over the past ten days, you definitely missed me.  And it's easy to see why.  I'm great.  My blogging batteries are recharged and I'm ready to go balls to the wall through football season.

But first, let me clue you in to what I was up to over the past such and such days.  I did nothing.  I had four fantasy football drafts.  In those leagues, I own Peyton, Brees, and Rodgers twice.  If you don't realize yet that when you fail to land a top 6-8 QB that you have no chance to win, then I feel sorry for you.  So forget about winning my league Dut (Kolb) and Drew (Vince fucking Young).  It's already over for your worthless selfs.  Back to my week, I spent so much time with the pup that he probably hates me by now.  But that little bastard ate one of my pizza rolls so the feeling is mutual.  And, of course, I watched a lot of movies that I had always wanted to see.  This brings me to today's post.  We're going to, albeit a little late, talk about the surprisingly entertaining week one of college football.  How?  With an awards show of sorts.  If this reads like a Bill Simmons column, well you are right on, but since he doesn't write anything anymore in lieu of being some sort of weirdo radio host, I think it's OK to steal his schtick.  On to the metaphorical greatness!!!

The "Bridge On The River Kwai" Award for Best Train Wreck - Mike Pouncey and John Brantley, Florida.  I watched this in between the six shots of moonshine, 12 beers, and a fantasy football draft.  My horseshit 1-11 RedHawks went toe-to-toe with the Gators for 3 full quarters.  In fact, we outplayed them for 45 minutes.  It was really nice to see such a great effort from a program that has really fallen on hard times and has barely been competitive.  I forget who said that Florida was overrated last week, but holy shit are they overrated.  They can't even fucking snap the football!  I was shitfaced when the game ended yet had a strange feeling...pride.  We played hard and kept fighting and when you've only won 3 games in the last two seasons, it felt good.  And exactly why did Urban Meyer fake a health problem and poop on his daughters again?  For THIS team?  Enjoy the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, you cunt.  At least you finally beat Miami University.

The "The Damned United" Award for Worst Coach - Before we get to the award, this movie is really good.  It's about some British soccer coach who got the best coaching job in the Premier League but was fired after something like 50 days and it's a true story, too.  Or as I like to call it, as much time as Turner Gill and Houston Nutt have left at their current jobs.  Kansas loses 6-3 at home to South Buttfuck State and we all saw how Ole Miss showcased their SEC speed against the #17 team in the FCS.  If the Jayhawks can only roll a field goal at home against a shit school, you all should probably be betting against them until further notice.  Ole Miss deserves what they got.  Masoli is a scumbag.  The Blind Side wasn't that good of a movie.  Karma is a bitch.

The "Indiana Jones #4" Award for Biggest Mail-In Job - Oklahomo beats Utah State by 7.  Florida.  Texas.  Notre Dame.  I expected more.  None of those teams looked like national title contenders.  Especially Notre Dame.  Purdue should have been destroyed without mercy and they let them hang.  Inexcusable.  Or "unexcusable" if you are an ignorant sack of Irish shit like Brian Kelly.

The "Point Break" Johnny Utah Memorial Award for Most Awesome QB - Kellen Moore.  That final drive was like watching Peyton in a non-playoff game.  It was never in doubt.  Boise was going to win that game.  People are going to continue to try and hate on Boise and I will never understand it.  Since when was it not cool to root for the underdog?  You heard that stadium.  That was a fucking home game for VT.  And Tech looked pretty solid in their own right.

The "Road House" Double Deuce Badass Award - Boston College's Mark Herzlich.  Duuuuude, he had bone cancer yet was out there beating ass on Saturday.  That's amazing.  Bone Cancer.  I will be rooting for the Eagles for the rest of the season.

The "Blazing Saddles" Award for Best Disproving of a Stereotype - Black Quarterbacks.  Mallett, Locker, Ponder, Luck, and Moore will get a ton of pub this year, but it's the black man that shined (no racist pun intended) in week one.  Pryor actually looks like a QB now instead of a small forward with pads and no touch.  Tyrod Taylor might be the most improved player in the history of football.  Jacory Harris is a stud.  Cam Newton looks like the next big thing at Auburn.  And although he didn't have a good game against Maryland, Ricky Dobbs is a great player.  I guess what I'm trying to say here is:  "KILL WHITEY" and "Pryor still sucks".

The "Bull Durham" Nook/Crash Award for Best Nickname - Denard "Shoelace" Robinson, Michigan.  No, I did not forget about him.  If the Heisman was given after week one, he would win.  He was outstanding.  But can he keep it up?  That's the question.  But I will say this, if he can play 85-90% of what he did this past weekend, Big Blue is going to win a bunch of games this year and Richie is going nowhere.  Shoelace is a great nickname but I would take it maybe a few crude steps further.  Since he is a black guy, how about a reference to the 1919 Black Sox Scandal?  I prefer to call Denard, "Shoelace Joe Blackson".  I'm hilarious.  He better play the same way that he did on 11/27 that he did on 9/4...

Guys, I wear my preference toward pro football on my sleeve.  I think that college football is about as overrated as Les Miles.  But that was a fun first weekend.  Even the East Carolina hail mary win had me screaming "WHAT THE FUCK!!!" in my mansion.  We're off to a good start here.  I guarantee that this coming weekend's huge slate of games will disappoint though.