Tuesday, August 31, 2010

College Football Preview Week Part II

Welcome to the greatest week of the year at this here blog. It's when I turn it over to the commenters and they run the site for a week (and then bitch about how hard it is). I think that this is the fourth annual College Football Preview Week where some of our most esteemed readers get you ready for the start of the season. It's the same cast of characters as usual breaking shit down for you: Damman, Drew, GSaul, The Wig Master, Li'l Strut, and with a splash of G$ thrown in for good measure. Each day brings different topics that our "experts" discuss and on Day 2, we discuss the coaches sure to be fired as well as an underrated player to keep your eyes on. Enjoy. Or hate it. I don't really care just as long as you read the damn thing.

Damman: COACH DEFINITELY GETTING FIRED - I would say the coach getting fired first would be Dick Rod after he starts 0-2, but since Michigan fans are pathetic and accept having mediocre/bad football, he will be safe. The first coach getting the axe will be Tim Brewster at Minnesota. I know nobody cares about Minnesota, but this will be his fifth season there with an 8th year QB (Adam Weber) and a new stadium. He hasn't done shit in his first 4 years and I don't see it changing this year. He gets fired at some point. MOST UNDERRATED PLAYER - My player under the radar to watch is Dion Lewis at Pitt. I had no idea that he had almost 1,800 yards as a freshman last year. Look for even bigger things out of him this year if Wanny doesn't fuck it up.

Drew: COACH DEFINITELY GETTING FIRED - Ron Zook actually said that this team may have more talent than the team that he somehow took to the Rose Bowl a few years ago. Way to dig your grave Zooker. The Illini have as good of a shot of going to the Rose Bowl this year as Mr. Ace does of walking down the street and not have a 7 yr old kid point and laugh at him. MOST UNDERRATED PLAYER - Wisconsin QB Scott Tolzien is going to put up pretty good stats all year...make little to no mistakes...and he is extremely accurate. Tolzien...not Clay..will be the reason that Wisconsin will be incredibly tough to beat this year. He's a stud.

GSaul: COACH DEFINITELY GETTING FIRED - 1. Ralph Friedgen, Maryland...needs a bowl game this year...will be looking for work soon. 2. Rich Rodriguez...Michigan...At least BitchRod will be leaving the same way he arrived – a LOSER – who said he’s not consistent? Quick…somebody hide the paper shredder under his copies of the NCAA regulations and Michigan’s academic standards…he will never find it there! 3. Al Groh...Virginia...should have been fired years ago…Pathetic. MOST UNDERRATED PLAYER - Danario Alexander...who? He would be the Mizzou receiver that led the NCAA last year with 113 receptions for nearly 1,800 yards receiving, along with 14 TD’s. This year, he has the same QB throwing him the ball AND is in a much weaker Big12. He could possibly elevate to Michael Crabtree man-crush status this year.

The Wig Master: COACH DEFINITELY GETTING FIRED - The Money Man requested the name of a “coach definitely getting fired” at some point this season, which essentially means who will be the first coach to smack, choke, or banish a kid to the broom closet. I say Mike Gundy is just crazy enough to pull some similar Ike and Tina type stuff…but cooler heads will prevail throughout the NCAA this year. This season we’ll see a well-deserved (good old fashioned) shit canning, for you know, pulling a “NapTown Wolverine” – Under Achieving. Clean out the office Dan Hawkins. After four seasons at Colorado, Hawkins has a record of 16-33 with one bowl appearance. These sorts of numbers might get you a contract extension in Oxford, OH but not in Boulder, CO. If you take a look at Hawkins’ web page on the CU website, over half of the material is devoted to his tenure at Boise St…and that is exactly what Colorado thought they were getting. Instead, just disappointment. Another sub-.500 season and no bowl appearance, combined with the impending Conference swap is the perfect time/excuse for Ralphie Buffalo to show Hawkins the door. MOST UNDERRATED PLAYER - So, I have a buddy who voluntarily makes his home in Lexington, Kentucky. The other day I asked him about the latest in artificial horse insemination, and just who is the KY football Cat getting all of the pub this year. He said, “bourbon and a poncho never really went out of style,” and “Mike Hartline and Derrick Locke are all over the local media.” That means this year the one player not getting the pub he deserves is Jr. WR Randall Cobb of your KY Wildcats. Last year Cobb accounted for 15 TDs by way of rushing, receiving and in the return game. The guy does it every which way, just like G$’s sister. With the Cats looking to get him the ball even more this year, you’re looking at 50 receptions, 100 carries, some shots under center, and 20 total TDs. Keep your ears open.

Li'l Strut: COACH DEFINITELY GETTING FIRED - We all know DickRod is getting canned after this season, so I will not spend any time on him. Instead I will go with “Michigan Man” and current LSU Head Coach, Les Miles. Miles finds himself on the hot seat only 3 seasons removed from a BCS National Championship, because the Tigers have finished with 8-5 and 9-4 records in the previous two seasons, with neither season ending with a top 25 ranking. This is unacceptable for the proud LSU fan base and with only 9 starters (5 Offense, 4 Defense) returning from last years team, do not expect it to get any easier in Tiger Country. Les Miles will be out of a job at season’s end. MOST UNDERRATED PLAYER - Daniel Thomas, RB, Kansas State. Although Thomas was the Big 12 Newcomer of the Year in 2009, he still has not received much national publicity for his efforts. Last year Thomas ran for 1,265 yards and 11 touchdowns while averaging an impressive 5.1 yards per carry. He did all this with little help from his teammates. Expect Thomas’s production to increase with four offensive linemen returning for Kansas State and look for him to be in the Doak Walker and All-American discussion in December.

G$:  COACH DEFINITELY GETTING FIRED - Les Miles.  He has to be the worst coach to ever win a national title, right?  He is awful.  If he wanted to take the Michigan job, LSU would pack his bags for him.  It's kind of like how the Yankees wouldn't care if Joe Girardi wanted to go to the Cubs.  MOST UNDERRATED PLAYER - Christian Ponder.  I love this kid.  Mallet and Locker will get all the pub but the FSU QB is just as good.  I see a nice bounceback year for the Seminoles now that they have a coach that won't fall asleep on the sidelines.

Day 2 is over now.  I hope this helped.  If you thought that today was bad, get ready for bold predictions tomorrow.

Monday, August 30, 2010

College Football Preview Week Part I

Welcome to the greatest week of the year at this here blog.  It's when I turn it over to the commenters and they run the site for a week (and then bitch about how hard it is).  I think that this is the fourth annual College Football Preview Week where some of our most esteemed readers get you ready for the start of the season.  It's the same cast of characters as usual breaking shit down for you:  Damman, Drew, GSaul, The Wig Master, Li'l Strut, and with a splash of G$ thrown in for good measure.  Each day brings different topics that our "experts" discuss and on Day 1, we begin with the most overrated and underrated teams for the 2010-11 college football season.  Enjoy.  Or hate it.  I don't really care just as long as you read the damn thing.

Damman:  OVERRATED - My overrated team is the same team that has been overrated every year for the past five or six, Virginia Tech. Every year these turds are ranked in the top 10 (#6 this year) in preseason and every year they lose 3-4 games. It doesn't help that they play in the shitty ACC (How come the ACC gets a pass and the Big 10 consistently gets shit on, considering the ACC has gone 2-10(!) in BCS games?). But, hey, they block punts every year so they must be really good, right? These guys need to go away. UNDERRATED - My underrated team is Florida State. I know I am contradicting myself a bit since FSU also plays in the shitty ACC, but I think this is the year that FSU gets back on track. The program had gotten stale lately with Bobby Bowden and I look for 'ol Jimbo to breathe new life into the program. Ponder is a star in the making at QB. I know the schedule is a bit daunting with non-conference games against Florida and Oklahoma, but this team will dominate the ACC and win it this year.

Drew: OVERRATED - Penn State is ranked # 14 in the first poll this year. They will not finished ranked. They are coached by a man who can't stand on the sidelines due to shitting himself and there are rumblings that their QB's are so bad they may start a true frosh. They will finish with five losses this year and they don't even play Wisconsin. They will be terrible. UNDERRATED - North Carolina is ranked # 18 in the first poll. I'm not sure where they will finish, but this team is going to be tough as shit to deal with. The defense is LOADED with early round NFL picks. They will upset a couple teams and not lose to any schmucks due to the D never failing. I think they finish pushing for a top ten ranking.

GSaul: OVERRATED - Florida...#3...really? I thought Tim Tebow graduated? Did I miss something here? Maybe he will say some prayers for his former team…thank God his mom is pro-life. Texas...They have NO rushing attack. Colt McCoy (Browns) and Jordan Shipley (Bengals) are now both residents of Ohio, which cannot be good for anybody. I wonder if they have registered on eSORN yet. UNDERRATED - Oregon State...big non-conference challenges against TCU and Boise State, but someone has to win the terrible Pac-10 this year...it may once again come down to the winner of the Civil War on December 4. Arkansas...Bobby Petrino + Stud Quarterback = Wins.

The Wig Master: OVERRATED - Florida Gators. Reverend Tim Tebow is with a higher clergy. Coach Urban Meyer's health is on the fritz. There has been an almost complete assistant coaching makeover. Although John Brantley is a second generation Gator QB with great potential, the pressure and inexperience surrounding him will prove to be Florida's Achilles heel. Offensive safety valve Aaron Hernandez and leading receiver Riley Cooper are both gone. Their defense has lost key players throughout.
This is undoubtedly a transitional season for the Gators yet they are ranked within the top 5. Realistically they will lose at least two games and ultimately find themselves in the neighborhood of 10. UNDERRATED: Cincinnati Bearcats. Butch Jones has a Coach J. Snoad-esque style of coaching, promoting unit cohesion with cheesy quotes. One thing is clear though; the guy loves football and has a solid track record of taking over for Brian Kelly. He also inherited a handful of talent. The offense returns eight. So what, one of the eight is not QB Tony Pike. Last season Pike was sidelined for a handful of games, and backup Zach Collaros stepped in and put up better numbers. Collaros is now the shot caller. This season's offense is said to be more explosive than last. USC transfer Vidal Hazelton is expected to be a playmaker at the wide receiver slot. Running back Isaiah Pead, who averaged nearly 7 yards a carry last season, will be a great compliment to the aerial attack. The defense only returns five, but Cinci ball is about the O. The D will also be transitioning from a 3-4 look to 4-3, which will help deter the run attack of Big East rivals Pitt and WV. Cincinnata will likely lose one non-conference game to Oklahoma but has a shot to run the Big East for the third straight year. Currently the Bearcats aren't in the top 25 but should be nestled somewhere between 15 and 20.

Li'l Strut: OVERRATED - Oklahoma is probably one of the most inconsistently ranked teams this preseason. Polls have Oklahoma as high as #1, but for the most part the Sooners are consistently in the top 10. This is still too high. Oklahoma has 13 starters (8 offense, 5 defense) returning from a team that only went 8-5 last year. The Sooners lost both starting corners, 2 starting linebackers, and the #3 overall pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, Gerald McCoy. Although Oklahoma’s offense is set for a huge season, the defense has been gutted, which will lead to Oklahoma losing some high scoring games. As a result, expect Oklahoma to be ranked in the 15-20 range at the end of the season and nowhere near the top 5. UNDERRATED - Wisconsin is ranked 12th in both the AP and Coaches poll, and returns 16 starters (10 offense, 6 defense) from a team that went 10-3 last year with a dominating bowl win over the Miami Hurricanes. The optimism for the Badgers surrounds the return of their offensive nucleus in RB John Clay, QB Scott Tolzien, and WR Nick Toon. The Badgers will, again, rely heavily on RB John Clay, who is deemed by many to be one of the best running backs in the country. With his entire offensive line back, which is considered by some to be the best in the country, expect his production to increase. His increased production will open up the pass for Tolzien and Toon. The Badger offense has the potential to be explosive this year. When you combine that with a schedule that brings the Ohio State Buckeyes to Madison for a night game, there are plenty of reasons for Badger fans to be excited. Expect the Badgers to finish the regular season around the top 5 in the polls and with at least 10 wins.

G$:  OVERRATED - Georgia.  Dude, Mark Richt sucks.  Every fucking year he underachieves with great talent.  They are barely ranked in the preseason and will end the year playing in whatever bowl that 7-5 SEC teams go.  UNDERRATED - USC.  Sure, they can't play in a bowl game.  But the talent is still there.  Ramblin' Red Barkley is only going to get better.  They are STILL going to win the Pac-10.  No one can ever tell me that there are 13 teams better than the Trojans.

Day One is over.  I hope that this helped you.  It probably didn't.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Step Off My Garbage Disposal


Mr. Ace here, carrying the flag for cock and balls.

I'm a man, dammit. There are few things in my home that I have the right to control. The television is obviously mine. I am the King of going through the guide for 15 minutes and then just staying on a Jersey Shore re-run cause everything else sucks. Clearly, I dominate the grill. It's just a piece of shit electric Holland that takes 45 minutes to cook two burgers, but dammit, it's mine. I don't ask for much, just let me control what is mine.

The other day Mrs. Ace and I were eating some BBQ that was left over from the wedding--it was frozen, we weren't eating two week old BBQ. And in this BBQ were some rib tips. You know how some tips have small pieces of cartilage left in the ends? What do you do with those after you're done eating?

Being the bitch I am, I did the dishes. Where do you think I dump everything? The fucking garbage disposal, the only other thing that I control in my house. So I dump everything down the garbage disposal; chicken, corn, bread, rib tips. I dump it and then I fire up the garbage disposal and it's just purring like a kitten. Then it gets to the tips and it's sounding a little rough, but it's still grinding its way through. Mrs. Ace hears this and loses her fucking mind. You would have thought I shoved a cinder block in there by her reaction. So she gets all pissy and starts talking about how her dad put almost nothing down their disposal and it sounds horrible and I'm a horrible husband and it's going to cost $13,000 to fix. Christ. Ladies, if there are any out there who read this, no guy wants to hear what or how your father used to do anything. He obviously wasn't that great of a father because if he had raised you right, you wouldn't be married to me.

Simmer down. I'm the fucking Toolboy. I could write a book on what can be put down a garbage disposal. It would be a very short book, and on every page it would say "EVERYTHING" in large, bold letters. Rib tips, chicken bones, T-bones, chop sticks, pigs feet, moose knuckles, whatever the fuck you can think of. The garbage disposal is a machine meant for destroying everything in its path. You're doing it a disservice by not challenging it.

Men, take control of what is rightfully yours. If you want to throw a steak knife in the garbage disposal and crank it, then goddammit, do it. It's your right.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

I Have Prepared You. You Are Ready.

I'm sorry, sir, but that bear gave you AIDS.
Gentlemen, this right here will be my final post until September 7th.  So enjoy it while it lasts.  Before we get started on our final Fantasy Football "Friday", a quick endorsement.  This hunky-looking manic depressive pictured is commenter, Tony B.  Notice how sad he looks.  It's as though he just found out that he has contracted bear AIDS or something.  Tony spent a few years of his youth roaming the mean fields of northwest Ohio.  However, he just released his second album and I strongly encourage that help a brother out and purchase it.  It's only $12 and we can all agree that he's a good shit around these parts.  Critics have said that Tony sounds like a combination of Jay-Z, Motorhead, and Starland Vocal Band.  I already ordered the CD and he even shipped it same day.  You can get it here.  He has even offered to send you a lock of his body hair.  Sounds like a great deal to me.  And if this works out well, maybe an Ohio tour could be forthcoming...

Enjoy the plug that you didn't even ask for, Tony.

Alright.  So the time is upon us.  If you haven't had a fantasy draft yet, that should end this weekend.  My cherry pops on Sunday afternoon over at Dut's house.  I'm pumped.  But I do have to backtrack a bit.  I promised the DFL that I would be getting drunk during the Draft but that simply isn't possible anymore.  And I apologize profusely.  But I will explain why later (blame Naptown Wolverine!).  Last year about this time, I gave you Bling's Guide to Fantasy Football.  Well, that redheaded bitch updated his guide this year.  Here is the 2010 version to ensure fantasy football success:

10. Forget you have a favorite team at draft - I have so many Browns, Redskins, and Bengals fans in my league it is ridiculous. These guys, for the most part, have to have at least one if not more of their teams players on their rosters its ridiculous. I will give Cleveland fans a small amount of respect as they, much like LeBortion, show little to no respect for their team on draft day. The rest however bid/draft their favorite players way to early and it hampers their draft.

9. The Surprise Jersey - Something new in the last few seasons, but it adds a little fun and entertainment to the draft. Go on ebay and find a cheap jersey of a player that you want that you know you will get. Wait until after you draft him, go take your usual dump break, and come back with the jersey on. It usually gets a chuckle or two and occassionally will throw a guy off his game for a little bit, especially with the morons I have in my league (more on that in a bit).

8. Good Food - This is essential. There is no way I could survive the draft day experience if it weren't for the quality of food at our draft. When you start drinking at 8 in the morning, it is important to remember to fill your tank with food. If not you may wake up 8 rounds later and try drafting Cris Carter, a memory that I will never live down.

7. Don't Be In a Rush - One of the biggest mistakes at our draft annually is the guy who makes the comment, "Lets get this thing moving". Huge mistake in our league. We have the jackasses that will purposely sabotage their own team to make this impatient bastard wait even longer before making that drunk adventure home to the wife and kids. Draft day comes around once a year, and it is like X-mas with better benefits .

6. The Penalty Shot - A standard tradition for our league. We have went through years of Pucker, Jaegermeister, Fire Water, 151, and most recently Everclear. This is usually where our draft hits the snag because there are so many issues to deal with when a guy has to take too many shots. From puking, to pissing their pants, to shitting themselves, to crying, etc. All these things make the penalty shot one of the most feared, but loved parts of our draft. This year we are switching gears once again and using apple pie as our penalty shot...a delicious disguise for our friend Everclear.

5. Mutant Gas - A long carry over on the list, mutant gas is a necessity. My traditional pre-draft meal includes a buffet of food that is sure to produce the worst possible odor to seep out of my ass. Last year's meal included ham, cabbage, draft beer, and gravy. An A+ combination, and a recipe for disaster for the rest of the league.

4. Make The Deal - To many times I have been a puss and not pulled the trigger on a deal because I was on my period. Not this year damn it. I am going to be wheeling and dealing from the time I draft my first guy to the time I draft Al Del Greco. Its fantasy football, and that means anything goes. Where else can you trade Chris Johnson to some sap for the promise of a Michael Turner jersey? I cannot wait to hear what this year's biggest trade promises are, and I hope I am somehow the beneficiary.

3. Go Down Swinging - Another carry over, but it is an important one. No matter how bad your team is, this is a pride thing. Let everyone know that you think you have the best team in the league, and you plan on ram-rodding them all the way to the championship. I don't care if you have Michael Vick and Earnest Byner leading your team. You are still the greatest after the draft, and you are not eliminated at that time either.

2. That Guy - Every league has "that guy". You all know the guy that you wait to either do or say something ridiculous. Our guy last year told a story about an Indian who, at a business meeting, had to take a shit, and there was no TP in the stall he was using. So the guy had to resort to using his hand to wipe his ass. Reminder that this was in the middle of the draft, and had no relevance to the draft whatsoever at the time. This is also the guy who a few years ago pissed himself on the couch, and never told anyone a single thing about it. (Ed. note, this same guy is also well known for making a completely inappropriate joke about Joe Jurevicius's dead son)

1. Retards - This one goes along with the one previous, but God love 'em, every league needs a few. The league I am in has a few more than your standard league, and this probably causes our draft to last a few hours longer than need be, but damn it, they make the league fun. Their stupid antics and inability to hold their liquor makes the draft what it is...the best damn time of the year.

That being said, happy drafting, and remember, much like LeBortion, you want nothing to do with Cleveland if you want to win a championship!!!

Thanks, Blinger!  You are wise.  So anyway, I'm avoiding the sauce on Sunday at Dut's.  Why?  Because I am running the gauntlet.  Check this out.  Dut's draft starts at 1:30 and is an auction format.  At 7, I have another draft where the league entry fee is $120 and each player acquisition costs $5-$20.  Did I mention that I have to drive a little over two hours to get to draft #2?  This is going to be a HUGE test of my driving AND fantasy drafting skills.  If I can pull this off, I might just have to be considered the King of the Road and the President of Fantasy Football.  I will pull this off.  I must.  One person is counting on me (N-Wolve)!  I'll see you all again on September 7th...kind of.  I'll still be around but I just won't be wearing any pants.  Behave yourselves and happy drafting!!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Worst Sports Movie Ever: An Open Forum

It's funny because they don't look ANYTHING like each other.
Whenever someone says that their favorite Seinfeld episode is "The Contest", I know that they suck and know nothing about the show or comedy in general.  That was the worst 22 minutes in the history of that series.  I also feel the same thing when I'm looking at some random athlete's bio and he says that his favorite sports movie is Field of Dreams.  Why?  Because that movie is fucking terrible.  I've never understood why people seem to like this tripe either.

Hell, I've even been to the place where they filmed this chick flick out in Iowa.  It was nothing special.  Oooooh, you mean I'm standing on grass that Timothy Busfield may or may not have stood?  LOOK AT MY ERECTION!  I've got some major issues regarding why Field of Dreams is the most ridiculous crock of shit ever and the worst sports movie of all time.

1. When you break it down to the basics, this movie is about a man who bankrupts his family in an effort to bring ghosts into his backyard.  That's it.  That's what it is.  If I just told you that, would you have any desire to watch this movie?  It's like Twilight for nerdy baseball stat-geeks.

2. Speaking of which, Kevin Costner is fucking nuts.  He should have been committed.  Imagine that you are his wife.  Costner comes to you and says, "Hey, honey, I'm going to spend everything that we have on a baseball field in our corn.  And sometime soon, I'm going to drive to Boston and pick up an old crotchety black guy who is probably racist.  I don't know him yet but he will be staying with us.  This may not make sense to you now, but don't worry because the creepy voices in the cornfield told me to do this."  He should have been given a strait jacket in the first scene of the movie.  Because NOTHING that he did in the next two hours made a lick of sense.

3. Speaking of James Earl Jones, he really sucked here.  He wasn't a blind junkyard owner who knew Babe Ruth or Darth Vader.  What a rip-off!  He could have at least told Costner that he was his father.  Or cut of his hand.  That would have been hilarious.

4.  Now if I recall, some stupid kid falls off of the bleachers and one of the ghost players saves her.  But once he crosses the line, he isn't allowed to play anymore.  You know, just like in real life.  DOCTOR Moonlight Graham shouldn't even have thought twice about saving that kid.  HE TOOK A FUCKING OATH!  And Shoeless Joe Jackson was a buttfucking hobo, too.  He lived in a field, fer chrissake!

5.  Finally, the big tear-jerker scene...when Costner and his old man "have a catch".  This is stupid and completely unrealistic.  Let me tell you why.  If I went out into the backyard to "have a catch" with my dad, it would end in about three minutes.  After about ten throws to get loose, I would start throwing knuckleballs, an assortment of breaking pitches that don't move at all, and my world famous sidearm forkball.  After the second time that I threw it 18 feet over his head and five properties over, he would tell me to go get it myself and it would be over.  Playing catch with your dad is overrated.  Especially when you have outstanding off-speed pitches like I do.  There is no way that one of them didn't start throwing a knuckler and pissed the other off.

Basically, this movie sucks something fierce and it is my goal to make everyone know that it blows.  Major League is better.  So is The Sandlot.  Rookie of the Year has Gary Busey.  Little Big League has Timothy Busfield (that guy has the market cornered on baseball movies).  And those are just the baseball movies.  Compare Field of Dreams to Rudy.  Impossible.  Rudy makes you want to cry.  Field of Dreams makes you want to see an abortion performed.

But that's just my opinion (and it's right).  An open forum on the worst sports movie that you have seen has officially begun.  Somebody better say Any Given Sunday because that fucking blew.  If you comment, G$ will cum.  Gross.

And The Distancing Continues...

This jersey goes great with a DiGiorno pizza!
In their increasingly massive overhaul to eliminate everything LeBortion from the franchise, the Cavaliers have undergone yet another uniform transformation. For a team that has spent the past 7 years changing uni's every three or four games, this really isn't that big of a deal. But I liked the way that Austin Carr looked in the picture so he gets his own post in August. Hell, he may need to suit up this season. Mr. Cavalier has got to be better than Joey Graham.

I do like the new (and old since they are modeled after the Cavs 1970's look) threadzzzzz though. Jamario Moon is going to look sweeeeeeet averaging 4.5 points per game in those babies.

How does the old adage go again? "If you aren't going to be able to beat Central Michigan, you may as well look like them." Works for me. FIRE UP, CHIPS!!!

I should have written this post in Comic Sans.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Lions and Packers and Bears, Oh My...and That One Old Guy

(A threesome we can all get behind...)

I know there are some Lions fans in the internet building, so I'm sure you're fucking jacked for my NFC North Preview.

Last year, the NFC North ended up like this:
Minnesota Vikings: 12-4
Green Bay: 11-5
Chicago: 7-9
Detroit: 2-14
...Expect some serious shake ups this year.

1. Green Bay Packers. 13-3. Vegas Total Wins Line: 9.5.
Yes, you read that right. The total wins line for the Packers this season is 9.5. Nine and a fucking half! That is your cue to hit up the book and put this months income on the OVER. Green Bay won 11 games last year and they have only improved during the offseason. The only notable loss is Aaron Kampman, but he really didn't fit the defensive scheme anyways. Aaron Rodgers and the Packers offense is going to go gangbusters this year. Improved O-line with Bulaga, great WR depth, one of the best young TE's in Finley, and a sound running game. The Packers are a lock to average 30 points per game. Hopefully Al Harris' skeleton can hold up across from Woodson, but that's the only weakness on this team. For fuck's sake, take the OVER.

2. Minnesota Vikings. 11-5. Vegas Total Wins Line: 9.5.
Patrick Willis...why couldn't you just end it? We all know what you were trying to do. Why couldn't you just take that 15 yard penalty, pick his arthritic body up, and powerbomb him down to the turf and send him on his way to the gerontologist? Now Favre lives to see the regular season. I'm already tired of it. Oh no, He and Chilly don't get along. How can the team possibly overcome this chasm? Nobody cares. It doesn't really even matter. Favre calls the plays. Favre runs the plays. Favre gets all the credit. Chilly looks stupid and collects his checks. Pretty simple. Toby Gerhart was the most poorly used draft pick ever. Percy Harvin is one head hunter away from being a paraplegic. And please God, if you are out there, send Favre out the way he deserves. Laying on the Ford Field turf spineless...while Ndamukong Suh leads the crowd in the wave. Amen. OVER.

3. Detroit Lions. 6-10. Vegas Total Wins Line: 5.
I like the Lions this year. I want to love them, but I can't just yet. I have always been somewhat of a Lions fan. I used to make it to at least game a year back when Herman Moore and Barry Sanders were running the Silverdome. I hope that the Lions can get back to those days and I think they are on their way. Football is obviously a complex game, but for the Lions all it really comes down to is turnovers. They were sixth in total yards last year, but 24th in scoring...and -18 in turnover ratio. I think Stafford takes a step forward this year, along with the rest of the offense. I wasn't a big fan of the Jahvid Best pick, but it appears he is the real deal and should get the majority of the carries from week 1. Offense has some real potential. They aren't playoff contenders just yet, but should make a push next year. OVER.

4. Chicago Bears. 4-12. Vegas Total Wins Line: 8.
Am I the only person who thinks the Bears are going to be downright wretched this year? How does Vegas get 8 wins? The O-line is horrible. Devin Hester is their best WR. Their defense is old. Lovie Smith is STILL their coach. Their defense is old. Julius Peppers will mail it in once they start 2-5. Their defense is old as fucking dirt. This team is going to be horrible. Looking up at the Lions can't feel good.

Breakout Fantasy Player: James Jones. Wherever you think Donald Driver should be drafted this year, sub in James Jones. He's a big target who Rodgers will look for in the red zone. ESPN has Donald Driver projected at 957 yards and 6 TD's. Driver is finally going to fall off this year and Jones will step up to the tune of 800 yards and 8 TD's. Love Jermichael Finley too.

See you again Friday, fuckers.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Turning Your Tailgate Into A TailGREAT (And A Giveaway!)

It's that time of year again.
We are less than two weeks away from the reappearance of competitive football.  Hell yes.  It feels like it's been forever since the Super Bowl.  With the return of football brings the return of the tailgate.  The tailgate is one of the great American traditions (gambling, blowing shit up, Jersey Shore).  It is not something to half-ass.  Either do it right or don't do it at all.  While I was at Miami, they tried a marketing campaign for students called "TailGREAT".  It lasted about two weeks.  It was retarded because it expected college students to participate in G rated activities and that will never work.  But I still use the term "TailGREAT" to this day because it is as catchy as it is stupid.  Today, I explain to you how to accomplish a TailGREAT.

You can't succeed without proper preparation.  The night before, you should be loading up your coolers and laying everything out on your kitchen tables and getting bags of ice and thawing frozen shit, whatever.  Because once you show up to the stadium and get parked, it's ON.  Now let's get going with the tips:

Parking - You don't need to have a gold-plated parking pass to get a good spot.  But that being said, the closer that you are to the stadium, the better.  You don't want to park 2 miles away to save $10 and then bust out the grill.  You look like a hobo.  Sometimes, saving a little money isn't worth the isolation.  You should strive to be near your fellow fans.  Walking sucks anyway.

Arrival - Three hours before the game seems to be a nice benchmark with a variance of an hour in each direction.  You don't want to rush it but at the same time, you don't want to be sitting there for so long that you get bored and tired.  And that is a huge risk when you are drinking in the sun.

Grilling - Charcoal, charcoal, charcoal.  Go buy a fucking hibachi if you are serious about this.  Gas grills are fine at home when you don't have the time to slow cook your meat.  But if you give yourself the customary three hours, there is no excuse to not have Kingsford on hand.  Plus, lighter fluid is ridiculously fun to play with.

Meat - I rank tailgating meat like so:  1. Anything that can be put on a hot dog bun
2. Burgers
3. Wings
4. Cold Cuts (especially if you are running late or aren't expecting many friends/family to show up)
The bratwurst is the perfect food on a football Saturday.  Let there be no arguing of this.  Now, you will occasionally see some guy smoking ribs or whole chickens or pork loins.  This is fine and all, but not necessary.  No need to be a hero.  And unless you take it up the old dirt road, you sure as shit better not serve grilled chicken sandwiches.  Lose weight during the week.  Fall Saturdays and Sundays are made for calories.

The Rest Of The Table - Call me crazy, but I like a good veggie tray.  Carrots and celery aren't bad with meat and booze.  It is perfectly exceptable to munch on these during your TailGREAT...as long as you use a lot of dip.  I like a variety of chips and pretzels on the table as well.  A cheese tray is a must.  Again, no need to get fancy.  Sure, potato salad and/or pasta salad sounds good, but I don't like to mess with silverware and plates.  It's a hassle.  I don't particularly care for desserts on gameday either.  Some sort of cookie or whatever usually ends up on the table, but it isn't necessary.  I don't need chocolate chips with my cheap beer.  In conclusion, just keep it simple.  And always, ALWAYS, bring more food than you will probably need.  Because if you run out, you have failed and your team will surely lose.

Beer - Cans only.  I repeats, CANS ONLY (or maybe a pony keg, I suppose).  And it better fucking be domestic.  Drink your Heineken's and your Dos Equis at home, dammit.  On a football Saturday/Sunday, go by this rule:  If a case costs $16 or less, it's free game.  If it's more, leave it in the cooler.  Nothing fancier than a Bud or Miller product should ever be consumed at a TailGREAT.  I stand by this.

Other Beverages - In September, it's always hot as shit here.  Make sure you've got some water in your cooler.  There's nothing embarrassing about taking a 5 minute water break in between beers 8 and 9 just to hydrate a bit.  I've blacked out during a football game before...it is not fun.  As Al Bundy once said, "Gotta keep the brain wet".  Indeed.  If you are with any women that do not care for beer and have asked for mojito-flavored Smirnoff's, kindly tell them that they are not welcome at your TailGREAT.  This is America, bitches, learn how to drink beer.  Pop is acceptable...especially if liquor is on the menu.

Tunes - Be careful.  No one around you wants to listen to the new Skee-Lo, GWAR, or Conway Twitty songs.  The Tailgate is built on generic stadium music.  Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty, AC (lightning bolt) DC...that kind of stuff.  Personally, I don't think that music should be an option.  Either turn on the pregame show of the game you are about to attend, listen to another college football game (that you may be wagering on), or ESPN radio for constant score updates.  That way, when your fellow fans walk by and ask for a random score, you have the answer and thus you are better than that guy.

Games - I've noticed that Cornhole is probably the most popular game for tailgates these days.  And while it's a fine game, it seems a bit frat-ty to me (much like rape).  I do not care for those people.  I'm simple though.  I just like a good game of catch with the football.  You can act like you're Peyton Manning and it can all be done with a beer in hand.  I always like to act like I'm taking a snap, run a bootleg to the right, and then throw a shitty pass to whoever I'm throwing to.  It never ceases to be fun.  Or you can always play "Drink The Beer".  That's a fun game, too.

Treatment of Opposing Fans - Don't be a dick.  Just because someone is wearing that day's enemy's shirt, does not make you better than them.  I'm looking at you, anOSU fan.  They should be applauded for loving football so much that they travel to see it.  They should not be harrassed.  Maybe jokingly, but don't tell them that their mother's cunt smells like an abortion's abortion.  Not cool.  Represent your school with pride and class.  But definitely let the visitors know that they will be losing that day. 

Hmmmm...I think that's all that I wanted to say on this.  Oh, and if you made it through this Guide to the TailGREAT post today, I've got good news for you.  Leave your thoughts on tailgating in the comments and be entered to WIN A $70 GIFT CARD to CSNstores.com.  Seriously, reading this site is going to pay off for one of you.  Maybe you can use that card to improve your TailGREAT?  And in case you are wondering, I am getting nothing out of this.  I just love you all that much.  The giveaway ends on Thursday at midnight and I will reveal the winner Friday morning.  The winner will be drawn at random.

In conclusion, I would like to announce that next week is the greatest week of the year for this blog...COLLEGE FOOTBALL PREVIEW WEEK!!!

Friday, August 20, 2010

The Andre Johnson Dilemma and Other Nonsense

Man, football is so great.
I've got sort of a bunch of different ideas today regarding different aspects of fantasy football.  We're going to move around quickly today, watch me for the beat, and try to keep up.  I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to lose sleep over this.  I will literally spend 30 minutes staring into the dark and thinking up draft scenarios.  I love it.  Sure, I'm tired as fuck all the time now, but it's worth it.  Because if I'm sacrifing z's in the name of football...well, that's what men do.

*First things first, I got into a bit of an argument yesterday in the comments over at KSK about fantasy scoring.  It seems that most of the people over there play in PPR leagues and where QB's only get 4 points per TD pass.  I've been playing fantasy for over 15 years now and I have never done one of these.  I figured it was just something different that few people do.  But after doing research, Yahoo and ESPN both have their default settings set this way.  Personally, this seems stupid.  I disagree with both of these.  They sound horrible.

PPR first.  I'm tired of hearing about leagues that give points out like candy on Halloween.  Points per reception?  Really?  That's what they are supposed to do!  Would you really want to play in a league where Wes Welker gets a point for a three yard catch?  Fantasy football shouldn't be complicated.  I like to focus more toward TD's.  You want points?  SCORE.  Don't even get me started on fractional points.  That's dumber than BYU thinking they are Notre Dame.  Or dumber than Roger Clemens.

I've been watching football for a long time and I've yet to see a 4 point touchdown.  Never.  I don't like the idea of lessening the value of QB's.  A quarterback is the most important player in real football, why should that change for us dorks?  It's fucking stupid.  But enough of that.

Johnson will never be the greatest Andre
*I've been scouring the mock drafts pretty hard recently and one thing that has caught my eye is that people are taking Andre Johnson anywhere from the 9th-to-11th pick.  What do you guys think?  Could you bring yourself to taking a WR in the first round?  Or spending 30-35% of your auction salary on him?  I don't think that I could.  Maybe it's my problem but I just don't value WR's as highly as some others might.  I consider WR's like pitchers in baseball.  I will never draft a pitcher before the 8th round in baseball...and it works for me.  With receivers, I just can't take them early.  There are too many factors working against them.  They can be double-teamed.  They don't control their touches.  If their QB gets hurt, they are worthless.  At least if you go RB first, the ceiling is higher.  I don't know, what do you think?  I couldn't take a WR with my first pick.

*Stay the fuck away from Percy Harvin.  I'm not going to call him a bitch, but he's kind of a bitch.  Migraines probably suck and all, but come on...  And feel free to move the Vikings players up your draft boards again.

*A few years ago, one of my buddies told me that he was in a league where they took the ESPN top 100 players and threw them all out.  They couldn't be drafted.  You had to make a decent team with average players.  This seems stupid but kind of fun at the same time.  Imagine drafting David Garrard with the first pick and being pumped about it.  This got me thinking of a potential reverse fantasy league.  Instead of offensive players, you take only defensive players.  You get points for tackles, TFL, sacks, picks, passes defensed, whatever.  And you can only draft offfensive units.  Sounds interesting, doesn't it?  I mean, I'm not going to do it but I should probably copyright it.  I would take Patrick Willis first.

That's it.  I'm done.  See you Monday.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

This One's For You, Nate B.

Do Michigan Men use finga-gunz???
Yesterday, we all got a big laugh at the expense of Michigan football and how anybody with a functioning arm will be able to throw for 300 yards against them this season.  It doesn't even have to be their dominant arm.  It could even be cut off at the elbow.  You are still going to put up big numbers against that defense now that that one guy is done.

So I think that most of us realize that the whole RichRod experiment is not going to work and that it will likely end at some point this season.  They aren't going bowling.  That is for certain.  It's time to treat this era of football like Michigan treats the Fab Five years of hoops...sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened.  But where does Michigan go from here?  Do they bring in another coach with a wide open spread offense?  Is Michigan still a destination job?  Does Lloyd Carr need his diaper changed?  Nate B asked me to write up a post regarding the next Go Blue coach yesterday in the comments and his request has been approved.  Sort of.

The hot name out there is Mike Leach.  He is going to be rumored at EVERY vacancy.  He's just sitting around, reading books about pirates, and scouting players to lock in his storage shed.  You know, what good coaches are wont to do.  He's biding his time waiting for the right job to take.  There is no doubt that the man can coach.  Texas Tech was fucking horrible before he swashbuckled his ass to Lubbock.  Would Michigan go after Leach?

Well, the Craig James controversy shouldn't bother UM.  Their current coach makes Bobby Petrino and Rick Pitino look like stand-up guys.  At least Leach's issue was concerning discipline of a pussy ass faggot.  By the way, he should have never been fired for that either.  I would think that the players that Rodriguez has brought in over the past three years could ease into Leach's not that similar but not that different system.  Leach graduates players (BIG deal at UM).  Sure, he has an ego but it's no worse than any other successful coach's.  Michigan has to at least kick the tires on Leach.  I think that they should go balls to the wall after him.  He's a big time name that has built programs up from the ashes.  I don't think that any Michigan fan would be against bringing Leach in for the 2011 season.  If they are, fuck 'em.  This is the kind of guy that a fan base can get really fucking pumped up about.

But would Leach go there?  That's where it gets tricky.  Leach is a fucking weirdo so who knows what he would do.  This is what I do know though.  His pass-happy offense isn't going to look so great once November rolls around.  The defenses in the Big Ten actually have a pulse.  The alumni are going to expect him to win big and soon (something that he didn't have to deal with at Tech).  He is most definitely NOT a "Michigan Man".  Is that enough to turn him/UM away?

When it comes down to it, I see Michigan offering Leach the job early in December.  I also see Leach declining it.  It's pretty hard to be a pirate in Ann Arbor.  Butt pirating is easy up there though.

Michigan will end up seeing their next coach winning in their house on Labor Day weekend as it will be UConn head man, Randy Edsall.  That's my pick and it makes sense.  UM's old alums can get back to rooting for boring ass football.  They love that shit.  Almost as much as they love creamed corn.  Two straight posts that are anti-Michigan?  I need to come strong with some anOSU hate next week.

What do you think?  Who is coaching at Michigan in 2011?

This Is Why The Rams Will Finish 2-14

One of the good things about seeing commenter -Rex on occasion (other than Big Brother talk) is the news he brings about the St. Louis Rams.  I don't ask for his NFC West basement gossip, but I get it anyway.  And I'm OK with that.  Because I like -Rex, you see (now move your ass back to Ohio!).

Apparently, the 2010 version of the Rams defense will have quite the local flavor to it.  With a linebacking corp(se) comprised of Little Animal, Barbie Carpenter, Larry Grant, and the ancient Na'il Diggs, Steve Spagnuolo has quite the band of former Buckeyes at his (garbage) disposal.  The problem that I have with this (other than Laurinaitis being the only one that should be playing pro football still)?  The name that the locals have given these guys.

The Buckeye Brigade.

The Meow Meow is a clean cat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Rams fans and media types.  That ain't too cool.  This is arguably the worst linebacking group in the league and they do not deserve to be called any type of Brigade.  The Brigade is The Meow Meow's schtick.  It's not some pussy ass group of linebackers that should be working at the Citgo (DING!).  Personally, I would rather have 4 Enzo's starting at LB for me than these guys.  Go ahead...just try to penetrate my 3-Meow Meow defense.  Impossible.  We'll give you "The Knuckle".

At least next year, the Rams can add AJ Hawk to this group since he is horrible and will surely get cut.  His wife's man-chin is tougher than he is.  I was going to say that Hawk was the biggest former Buckeye defense bust since Andy Katzenretard but then I remembered Vernon Gholston...probably because he can make a mean cheesy gordita crunch.

Rename yo' shit, Rams.  You are no Brigade.  And Big Brother fucking rules.  One more time, the Rams are going to be fucking terrible.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

"Dean" Is A Drooling Moron

From yesterday's mini-column by Peter King:

"Peter, I have no sympathy for athletes who holdout when they have a contract. Darrelle Revis is complaining that he'll "only" make $21 million over the next 3 years. A huge portion of this country is trying to figure out how to keep from becoming homeless, and you're suggesting the Jets should give Revis another $20 million to make him happy? The Jets should donate $20 million to a charity that helps working Americans and tell Revis to go to hell.''
--Dean, Chicago

Now, I didn't plan on commenting on the Darrelle Revis holdout.  It didn't feel like something that my readers would want to talk about.  Personally, if Revis not playing means more of Rex Ryan running around the dorms calling out his name on Hard Knocks, I hope that he never comes back.  I see both sides here.  Revis is the best defensive player in football.  But he's also in the middle of his rookie contract.  If he wants to get paid more than Nnamdi Asomugha, well, the Jets shouldn't be the ones getting fucked over because the Raiders are a terrible organization.  But then again, there is not one wide receiver in the league that can have a big game against Revis.  It's quite the conundrum.  And thankfully, we don't have to figure it out for the Jets.

I thought that Peter made a rare good point on Monday about this.  Why not kick him some sort of 8 figure bonus right now?  Just give him 15-20 million dollars (these guys can afford that shit) and get his ass into camp.  Then after this season, work on the HUGE deal.  That's one thing that I think should be a rule in the NFL.  You can never holdout on a contract unless you have two years or less remaining on your current agreement.  After all, YOU SIGNED IT.  It was the big problem I had with Josh Cribbs.  He and his agent agreed to that horrible 7 year deal yet he was never really punished for being stupid. 

But anyway, back to "Dean" being the dumbest man on Earth.  What a fucking retard.  I hate it when people bitch about athletes making so much money when there are so many people scraping by in the country.  Honestly, who fucking cares?  I'm closer to being homeless than I am being a millionaire and I don't give a damn.  You know why?  Because these guys deserve it.  THEY ARE MUCH BETTER THAN ME AND YOU!  The extremely talented upper echelon of people in the country DESERVE to be paid.  They have a skill set that can't be matched.  They entertain all of the broke ass slobs.  They work hard to maintain their elite status.  THEY ARE THE AMERICAN FUCKING DREAM.

Why should Revis give a shit if some GM plant gets shut down?  That doesn't effect him at all.  AT ALL.  His job, which he can only do for a decade or so, is to play football.  And obviously every play could be his last.  An athlete should get every penny that he can because eventually, they are going to stop paying him and the only thing he has left is a Black Studies degree from Florida State...and no one wants that.  It's not his job to worry about the residents of Gary, IN and whether or not they can keep their shanty warm at night.

Dean would also make the world's worst GM.  Imagine Revis coming into this guy's office today and saying, "Look, I want to play, just give me a 20 million dollar bonus, we'll win the Super Bowl, and we can work on this again in the offseason."  GM Dean wants you to believe that he would say, "Darrelle, I appreciate your honesty and desire to play, but I'm going to go ahead and donate 20 million to The Human Fund...now go to Hell, bitch".

Dean, if you are reading this, fuck your mother.  Maybe soccer is a more appropriate sport for you.  Dean is a fag name anyway.  And Revis deserves everything that he can get.  Much like the unskilled people of this country sort of deserve what they get to.  Eat shit, Dean, eat my shit.  If anything, pro athletes (especially football players) should get paid more.

I always wondered what kind of a moron would write an email to a moron like Peter King...now I know.  Oh, and FUCK YOU, BRETT FAVRE!

Goodbye, Richard

An already depleted, inexperienced Michigan defensive backfield has taken another hit.

Senior starting cornerback Troy Woolfolk, the Wolverines' most experienced defensive back who had emerged during the offseason as a vocal, respected team leader, suffered what was described as a "lower-body" injury during practice Tuesday afternoon.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  This Tate Forcier hater is apparently going to miss the season if Mr Ace's FBstatus is accurate.  This is the beginning of the end for Dickie-Spic.  Michigan will be lucky to win 5 games now.  You guys are terrible.  You are the Toledo Rockets of the Big Ten.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The Post You've All Been Waiting For

(Ahh, the life of a backup QB)

I have kept you all waiting for several weeks now and I don't want to keep you waiting any longer. The NFC WEST PREVIEW IS HERE!

Last year, the NFC West ended up like this:
Arizona: 10-6
San Francisco: 8-8
Seattle Seahawks: 5-11
St. Louis: 1-15
...easily the worst division in football.

Now, after going to Vegas, I realized that I needed to change things up a bit. And after G Money mentioned his total wins bet for the Broncos in one of his last 10 mail-ins, I figured it's time for gambling to make its way back to The Money Shot. So here is your NFC West preview, now featuring predictions and over/under picks. All of you, rejoice.

1. San Francisco 49ers: 10-6 Vegas Total Wins: 8.5.
The 49ers just lost a contributor to Jesus, do you really think that they will not be repaid for this loss? There is no doubt in my mind. The defense is only going to be better this year as they return several starters, so the real concern has to be with the offense. Even after watching Alex Smith's horrible play against the Colts, I still think he is going to break out this year. The Niners are serious about working the offense around him more and that means some more shotgun snaps for him, which means more production. Look for the Niners to open it up, especially after Gore goes down. Yes, Gore will go down, and then Westbrook will step in and fit perfectly with the new offense. The West is the Niners to lose. OVER.

2. Seattle Seahawks: 8-8 Vegas Total Wins: 7.5.
Do a certain extent, I believe in the Pete Carroll magic. I think he is the kind of coach that can come in and get players to buy in just buy his style of coaching and charisma. The Seahawks are going to come out and play inspired football this year. And in order to win, they better play inspired. There defense is soft, no denying that. There defensive line is full of no names and the secondary is a huge question mark. But if a decent number 2 corner can emerge then the defense has a chance to be serviceable behind a strong LB core. I like what the Seahawks are doing on offense. Julius Jones will finally be phased out by Forsett and maybe, just maybe, Leon Washington can continue to recover and be back to 100% by mid-season. I think Carroll can rally the troops to get to .500. Afterall, he has been coaching paid players for the last decade. OVER.

3. Arizona Cardinals: 5-11 Vegas Total Wins: 7.5
The sky is falling in Arizona. The Cards just lost way too much to even be considered a playoff team. Kurt Warner was everything to that offense. For fuck's sake, Derek Anderson is/was competing for a starting job! Everybody is predicting Beanie Wells to break out, well he better. And he better be ready to do it against a stacked box too because Leinart isn't a threat to anybody, unless there's a beer bong and hot tub near. Then on defense they lost their two best players in Rolle and Dansby. And what did they do to replace them? They brought in Jets castaway Kerry Rhodes and ultimate team cancer Joey Porter. There is no chance this works out. Five wins may be generous. UNDER.

4. St. Louis Rams: 2-14 Vegas Total Wins: 5.
Lets just look at the schedule and see who we think they can beat. I see Washington, Tampa, and Detroit as possible wins, that's it. So lets just give them two out of three. Two wins, that's all. And why do people continue to talk about Steven Jackson like he is an elite RB? He isn't. He's not top 5 and I'm not even talking fantasy. I would rather have Chester Taylor. Sam Bradford is going to be taken off in a body bag if he starts the entire year. So...here's to hoping he starts opening day. UNDER.

See, wasn't that fun? Even the worthless NFC West can be interesting win money is involved. The only bet out of all of them that is a little sketchy is the Seattle bet, everything else is golden. Glen Coffee told me so.

Ace's Las Vegas Review

(GO NOW!)

Well, I'm back from Vegas. It was the first time I have ever been there and let me tell you, Vegas is fucking awesome. I will be back within three years...hopefully three months. I regret that it took so long for me to get out there, but it's probably for the best since I am a degenerate. But I got to experience quite a bit of Vegas during my trip and I would like to help those who plan to visit in the future by rating my experience at certain establishments.

Hotel
The Venetian- 9/10- Obviously, this is the only hotel I have ever stayed at in Vegas so take this rating for what it's worth. But the place is just ridiculous. Top of the line everything. The lobby made you feel like you were in Italy...even though I've never been there. We walked through several hotel/casino's and the only one that I would choose over Venetian is Aria, which is a new hotel inside the City Center, which is an entire fucking city of its own inside Vegas. Seriously, City Center has its own Police Force, own Fire Department, and own hookers, and it only cost $10 billion. It would have been a 10/10 if I didn't have to pay a daily $17 "Resort Fee". Bullshit.

Food
Treasure Island Buffet- -13/10- Yes, that is a negative 13 out of 10. Just fucking horrible. I was promised prime rib and seafood and I got smoked beef curtains and sushi. Horrible brisket, horrible sushi(is there any other kind?), horrible pasta, horrible Korean ribs, horrible orange chicken(HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP?), horrible service, and shit dessert. I have never been so disappointed in my life. I love to tear up a good buffet. Hell, I love to tear up a bad buffet. But this was a different level of awful. Don't ever, ever go there.

Maggiano's- 8/10- Great Italian food. I had a Shrimp and Crab Cannelloni covered in roasted red peppers and asiago cream sauce and I had multiple orgasms. If you find one, go there. I had my dinner and a glass of Guinness for $20. Good shit.

Shows
Blue Man Group- 7/10- If drums, paint, and smurfs are your thing then this is the show for you. I wouldn't spend the money again to see it, which is about $105 a ticket. I guess I didn't really know what to expect, and I have no idea how they could make the show any better. They pretty much just do the same thing over and over again for an hour and a half. Cool thing to see one time, but I wouldn't recommend it to anybody.

Cirque du Soleil: Mystere- 9/10- Definitely worth the money. It's almost impossible to describe exactly what goes on in a show. It's like a circus, comedy, and Broadway show all mixed together and laced with acid. The only thing that could have possibly made it better is if one of the people suspended from the ceiling would have pulled an Owen Hart.

Defending The Caveman: Kevin Burke- 7/10- The only way that you attend this show is if you're with your significant other. This guy basically just rambles on with all the "all men are ass holes" material that you have heard a million times and then tries to put his own unique little twist on it. Apparently, men are meant to be ass holes, or something. Meh, wasn't horrible, but you have heard all the material before.

Frank Caliendo- 8.5/10- I can't believe that I saw a Caliendo show, and I can't believe how hilarious he actually was. It was between Carrot Top and Caliendo and I was leaning Carrot Top, but Mrs. Ace insisted we see Caliendo, so we did. He kept everything pretty clean, which usually isn't my style, but he pulled it off. I would absolutely recommend anyone to go see his live show. He did some of his old bits, but only briefly. This doesn't change the fact that his show on TBS is fucking horrific, but his stand up was a pleasant surprise.

Also, there are Asians EVERYWHERE! I got off the plane and thought I was in Hong Kong. It took everything in me not to run into a big group of them and scream "Godzirra!!!"

In closing, get your ass to Vegas....but don't take your wife.

Monday, August 16, 2010

G$ Joins The War On Terrorism

More like, "Don't Tread On Tree"!
I did it.  For the first time in my life, I called 9-1-1.  I simply had to.  My Somali pirate neighbors had finally gone too far.  I had to have the law intervene with their chicanery.  The story goes something like this:

Yesterday around noon, I'm waiting for my in-laws (awesome pop-in stay-over visit!) to leave.  I feel like they are on the verge.  I look out the living room window to see my moron terrorist neighbor driving like a crazy person down the street in reverse.  It appeared that the matriarch of this 40,000 person family was trying to reach 1.21 jiggawatts while going backwards for some reason.  But instead of a badass Delorian, is was a less than awesome Honda.  What followed was great.  This dipshit loses control of the car above, takes out the neighbor's mailbox, donuts around the tree in her own yard, takes out my other neighbor's mailbox, and finally rests up against my tree.  Had that tree not been there, the pirates likely would have driven through our front door.  Did I mention that this whole bullshit was caused WHILE SHE WAS BACKING OUT OF HER DRIVEWAY!!!

Like a good person, once the van stopped, I started laughing.  Because it was hilarious and my mailbox is still standing.  Everyone else in the house started freaking out.  Hell, even the dog pissed on the floor during the confusion.  I didn't even go outside regardless of the van parked in my front yard embedded into the tree.  Fuck that.  I called 9-1-1.  They asked if an ambulance was needed.  Even if it was, I said no.  Fucking moron (who we've decided hammered on the gas instead of the brake) deserved no medical attention.  Needless to say, it was a fairly entertaining 45 minutes in the neighborhood.  I hope it leads to that fucking family getting deported.  It's what they deserve for causing Black Hawk Down.  Go back to Mogadishu!  By the way, if they would happen to release the 911 tape from this call, listen to it.  I am laughing about the whole time.

*I don't mean to sound extremely racist, but minority women should not be allowed to drive in this country.  Ever.  I used to think it was all women that should be banned, but sometimes I need the wife to be my designated driver.  Think about it, have you ever not gotten pissed off at a minority woman driver?  They all suck.  You know what, fuck it.  No woman, regardless of race, should drive unless they have a drunk man in the car.  If you elect me as King of the world, this will be my first rule.  You will be happier.  I guarantee it.

*How can I get my in-laws to leave my house effectively and efficiently?  It felt like they were never going to leave yesterday.  I even had the TNT broadcast of the PGA Championship on to try and bore them out of my house, but it didn't work.  Any tips?

*A few sports stories to counterbalance this post which reads like it was written by a Klansman.  I was told that the Brownies looked pretty good in GB on Saturday night.  I wouldn't know but I did read that Colt McCoy was horrendous.  Good thing you have Jake Delhomme for two years!  This should be expected though.  The preseason is always like this.  Good teams tend to roll through the motions and bad teams like to make statements to make the fans forget about their shitty season from the year before.  I am worried about the Packers though.  When you get embarrassed by the Browns' first and second team offense, you aren't a Super Bowl contender.

*Speaking of Super Bowl contenders, YOUR Washington Redskins shockingly looked really good on Friday night.  Granted, the Bills are definitely going to be the worst team ever this season (they fucking suuuuuuuuuuuuck) but it was still a pretty good debut for the Shanahan Era.  I can't remember the last time that this franchise has scored 42 points in ANY game.  I still think that the brutal schedule this year will only lead to a 7-8 win season, but they look better.  McNabb looked good.  Cooley appears to be his favorite target (like I told you two weeks ago).  Rex Grossman was bad.  Joe Theismann on the mic was even worse.  Fat Albert actually played well.  Basically, there is a lot to look forward to.  The team finally seems to have some direction now.

*Excellent final round of the PGA.  It is becoming apparent that no one can choke quite as awesomely as the Americans can.  You know what, fuck Dustin Johnson.  He had the tournament won, hit a fucking awful drive, and then it cost him on a technicality.  I feel no remorse.  I just wish that it didn't run so long.  Martin Kaymer is going to get titty-slapped by Julie Chen for delaying Big Bro.

*By the way, we had a little 30th birthday party for Swiney on Saturday night.  Since Damman and I were born 8 days apart, we decided that we would throw something for us in a joint effort.  Cake and punch will be served.  No, it won't.  If you're interested in ushering two fuckers into their 30's, September 25th is the date and the Bier Stube is the place to be.  We'll get those fuckers.  Nothing special, just cheap shots and cheap beers and college football on the screens.  I don't want to turn 30.  I REALLY don't want to turn 30.

In conclusion, I was not about to waste an entire post on preseason NFL games and, for a pussy liberal, no one fights terrorism better than I do.  Somebody get me a gun.  I'll find bin Laden in less than a week...as long as he crashes his minivan into my tree.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The 2010 Fantasy Snooki's

I promise that this will be the last time that I talk about Ace's wedding.  I swear.  So anyway, the drunker that I kept getting during this event, the more that I wanted to talk about Jersey Shore.  Whether it be the wedding guest that looked like a Mexican Vinnie or the fact that I would love for J-Woww to kick my ass and break my dick off, the one topic that was unanimous back by the bar surrounded little Snookers.  I vaguely remember asking a big group if they would fuck Snooki.  Everyone said yes.  Including me.  Just for the story.  But now that I'm sober, that idea is getting worse and worse to me.

You see, when your drunk, your inhibitions automatically get lowered and you are more inclined to say things like how you would pork humpty dumpty.  But when you're thinking clearly and rationally, ehhhhhhh, boning Snooks all of a sudden is not cool, does not make a good story, and you end up with hepatitis and cold sores.  Fucking Jersey Shore castmates is similar to fantasy football.  You want a team full of J-Woww's, not a team full of grenades.  You want people that have no problem throwing down in a bar, not people that deepthroat pickles.  So today, on this Fantasy Football Friday, I'm giving you my fantasy Snooki's of the season.  They aren't necessarily horrible players, but I would think long and hard before drafting these guys.

By the way, when I wrote this post last year, I nominated Warner, Tomlinson, Braylon, Winslow, and the Eagles D (rotten).  None of them were better than average (Warner was 10th in TD's).  So while I may not be able to spot good players, I sure as shit can pick out the crappy players.  Oh, and this is what Ace said last year:

I'll take Steve Slaton ahead of both MJD and Forte. Texans are going to have one of the best offenses this year and Slaton is only going to improve from last year.

Don't believe the hype, jump all over the Eagles D. Scott McDermott will be just fine as the DC...he did most of the work last year. And most importantly, we are going to have Jeremy Maclin and Desean Jackson returning kicks, that alone is enough reason to pick the Eagles D.
What a fucking idiot.

QB - Matt Ryan
I've got nothing against Ryan.  He's a solid young QB.  But he isn't a gunslinger.  Until Mike Smith is fired (not happening soon), the Falcons will remain a running team.  Ryan was drafted as a top ten QB in most leagues last year and probably will be around the same area this year.  Don't believe the hype.  Just because he's been the Falcons QB for two years now and has not been sent to Leavenworth doesn't mean you should want him.  He will probably go before McNabb, Palmer, and Flacco...but I like all three of these guys more than Ryan.  Sorry, MUDawg/N-Wolv, but your boys are still going to the playoffs in spite of my words here.

RB - Brandon Jacobs
When he is playing well, there is no bigger badass running back in the game.  But I've been following this shit.  The Giants are seriously considering having Ahmad Bradshaw start.  When you couple that with the fact that Jacobs has a tendency to get hurt and he's not the fulltime goalline back, stay away from Jacobs.  Obviously there is a time and spot where he will make sense...but don't do it before the 4th/5th round (or spend more than $20 on him).

WR - Anquan Boldin
Or Boooooow-din as Mort would say.  Mort sucks ass.  Look, Boldin is tough...we all know that.  But he has a tendency to be a weekly gametime decision (which I hate) and he's never been "the" guy.  Derrick Mason isn't drawing coverage off of him like Fitty did.  I don't see Anquan being a #1 receiver.  Honestly, I would rather have Pierre Garcon.  That French fuck will end up with better stats...mark it down.

TE - Jason Witten
The days of Witten being a dominant fantasy force ended last year.  He only scored twice.  The Cowboys have even more weapons now.  You could maybe convince me that out of the NFC East TE group of Cooley, Celek, Boss, and Witten, Witten would find the endzone the least amount of times.  He's an 8th round pick at best.  Some dumbass will take him in the 5th.  Don't be that dumbass.

K/DEF - Garrett Hartley/Baltimore
The Saints don't settle for field goals.  Why would you draft a kicker that hardly ever kicks field goals and only gets you 4 points per week?  A common misconception is that people try to draft kickers from the high octane offenses.  That isn't always the best strategy.  The Ravens have long been a top 5 fantasy defense.  That front seven will still be rock solid...but that secondary sucks.  And Foxworth blowing out his knee only made them a shitload worse. 

I'm not even going to bother proofreading this.  I'm too lazy.  In conclusion, I guess I should ask:  Would you fuck Snooki?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Starting Our Own Cliche Moratorium

I hate you.
Earlier this week, The Iceman (at his site), demanded that I write a post about this topic.  I told him to eat menstrual cycle.  But it is an intriguing post so I'm going with it today.  This will be much like yesterday's topic in which I need help.  It will be interactive so to speak.  We are going to comprise a list of the most played-out phrases and cliches in sports.  It won't be easy.  I don't expect it to be either.  But let's get our list together and use our zero power to ban this shit from our broadcasts.

The Iceman was bitching about how broadcasters used to love going on and on about how Lazy Eye Krenzel was a molecular (The Molecular Man!) genetics major at anOSU.  He parlayed that stupid major into a post-football career in real estate, Buckeye Nissan ads, and awful radio appearances.  So now, let it be known, that Krenzel's college major will never be spoken of again.  He didn't do anything with it so why should we care?  More that bother me:

*Claims that Vince Young is just "a guy who wins".  You get paid to be an analyst...ANALYZE!

*References to Tim Tebow's postgame speech at Florida

*Baseball announcers saying "I've always said that one day Robinson Cano is going to win a batting title".  EVERYONE has said that already.

*"Diaper Dandy"...that makes no sense, Dick.

*Mark Jackson saying, "Hand down...MAN DOWN".  You are retarded.  It's no wonder that no one wants you to be their coach.

*Of course, no list like this would be complete without Brett Favre "being a kid out there".  Actually, ALL Favre-related cliches should be caste down into the fiery depths of Hell.

Ummmmm, that's all I have at the moment.  I'd love to get some input (as I'm sure that I've forgotten a ton).  As I told The Iceman, a project like this would take an insane amount of research and I ain't doing that for you fags.  Let 'er rip.

The Reds Are Officially A Joke

Dut Baker:  The Razor Ramon of Major League Baseball
You would think that after pretty much two decades of irrelevancy, the Reds would employ a sense of humility.  You know, like not embarrassing themselves with empty threats and retarded smack talk.  It all started after the All-Star Game when Joey Votto wouldn't congratulate Cubs OF Marlon Byrd for making a game-saving catch because he hates the Cubs.  Fair enough, we all hate the Cubs.  It was childish at the time (still is), especially if the Reds were to somehow benefit from the NL winning the ASG by playing the World Series at home.  We don't have to worry about that anymore.

This week, Brandon Phillips started off the biggest series of the year in the NL Central with his profanity-laced tirade about the Cardinals.  He called them whiners.  He called them bitches.  And he made sure that everyone knew that he was being serious.  Phillips (2 for 14 in the series, by the way) did it after game 1 of the series in which St. Louis (one of the winningest franchises of the past decade) kicked the shit out of them.

Tuesday night, Phillips started a first inning brawl that we all saw highlights of.  He comes to bat in the first to do his "tap the catcher on the shinguards with his bat" routine.  Yadier Molina didn't take too kindly to that as well he shouldn't.  If somebody talks shit about me and my teammates and then just assumes that there will be no repercussions...there are going to be repercussions.  A brawl commenced.  Reds SP, Johnny Cueto, acted like a punk bitch by kicking two Cardinals with his spikes.  It damn near spilled over into the stands.  The Reds lost that game and then lost the finale yesterday.  They were swept at home, none of the games were close, and blew a 2 game lead in the division.  Well done.

So what do we take from this?  Simple.  The Reds aren't ready for the big stage and have no idea what they're doing.  They lack leadership.  Which makes sense because their manager is awful.  You just don't do that.  Phillips was WAY out of line.  That shit did not need to be said.  The Cardinals have been playing a bit below expectations all season.  They absolutely did not need to be called out.  Now the Reds have awaken a sleeping giant.  There is no doubt that St. Louis is the better team.  It's damn near a miracle that the Reds are only a game back in the division even after getting swept.

What the Reds should be doing is worrying about themselves.  The only thing that they control is their play on the field.  Let's be honest, too, this season is about 60-70% fluke anyway.  They are getting a TON of mileage out of really young starters and crappy veterans (Bronson Arroyo).  Their closer is the reincarnation of Joe Borowski but with a Latin beat.  Freaking Arthur Rhodes was an all-star.  Joey Votto set aside his suicidal tendencies to play to his potential.  Scott Rolen has somehow not gotten injured.  The Reds horrendous OF is playing way out of their asses.  Winning that many one run games isn't a skill or a sign of greatness...it's pretty damn lucky.  And it has to be with an idiot like Dusty Baker running the show.

Basically, what we saw this week was a feelgood story finally realizing that they don't have what it takes and resulted to childish name-calling.  I am officially writing the Reds off this season.  The Cards will win the Central by at least 4 games.  It was a nice run and all, but your warts have been exposed.  No team has more wins over sub-.500 teams this season than Cincy.  Good for you.  That doesn't mean that you belong in the playoffs.  Not with Bronson Arroyo as your probable game 1 starter.

So unless a real-life version of Angels In The Outfield takes place with Marge Schott playing the role of the angel (maybe Demons In The Outfield makes more sense), you can forget about October baseball in the Queen City.  At least you still have T.O.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Why Yes, I Did Steal This From Freddie Coleman

I mailed this post in.  Please accept this insanely hot USC ass as an apology.
You'll have to forgive me.  For some strange reason, shit be busy right now.  So I'm going to throw out sort of an open forum-ish post today.

As I'm driving home last Friday night, I've got ESPN Radio on and the extremely average Freddie Coleman is blabbing about football.  But then he approached a topic that really got me thinking.  And thus, I'm going to rip it off and use it for today's post as I'm sort of interested in everyone's opinion anyway.

What would you rather watch:  a huge college football game or a huge NFL game?

Opinions on the radio show were skewed a bit toward the pro game but I want to throw in a few caveats before you all answer.  Don't take into account bowl games or playoff games or conference championship games or the Super Bowl--none of that.  I think that most of us would agree that the NFL playoffs are far superior to the bowl season so let's throw that out the proverbial window.

Time for today's word problem:  Let's say, for some strange reason, the NFL scheduled Dallas at Indianapolis on a Saturday night in mid-October (on Fox) which would go head-to-head with...oh...Florida at Oklahoma (on ABC).  All four of these teams are top 5 caliber teams in their respective sports.  What are you watching?  You can only watch one.  There is no flipping back and forth.  The ratings would almost definitely be in Fox's favor, but what do YOU prefer?.

I purposely avoided Ohio State/Michigan because that would cloud most of your judgments so don't even bother mentioning them in the comments.

Personally, and you already know this if you've been reading my daily beauties for awhile, I'm watching the NFL game.  Like it or not, the NFL is built on stars and I'm a total homo when it comes to superstars.  The college game is based more on schemes and coaching and it's fine, but it's an inferior product to it's professional counterpart (because we're watching it on TV and not going to the game itself).  But then again, I hate the spread offense.  How could anyone pass up on watching Peyton Manning embarrass the shit out of Tony Romo?

Now if the question was, "Which game would you rather attend?", I'm picking the college game 9 times out of ten.  I don't want to spend three+ hours surrounding by Cowboys and Colts fans though.  But that isn't something that I care about today.

So where do you stand?  What are you watching?  Will I ever try to write something decent here again?  Was there anything more disappointing than finding out the identity of "Shook's Son"?