Friday, July 30, 2010

Quarterbacks Are Just As Important As Anyone Else

Be honest, you would LOVE to build your fantasy team around this guy.
In this week's installment of Fantasy Football Friday, we dive into the connundrum of quarterback selection.  Last week, we had quite a discussion on who should be the #1 pick.  In the end, I won easily with my choice of Adrian Peterson because no one else provided a halfway decent argument to counteract the fact that his team scores a shitload of points and he gets to play the Lions and Bears twice.  I win.  Like usual.  Let's see if I can win again today (very likely).

Let's just put aside the notion that there are leagues that only reward passing touchdowns as 4 pointers.  That is fucking stupid and gay.  You should never be in one of those leagues.  In football, touchdowns are worth 6 points.  It should be the same in fantasy.  And that goes for leagues rewarding long field goals with more than 3 points.  Knock that shit off.  Your quarterback should be the breadwinner for your franchise (90% of the time).  If you get shutout of the 3-4 big dog running backs, you better damn sure get yourself one of the 5-6 stud QB's to counterbalance that.  You don't want to look at your roster after the draft and see that you have Ronnie Brown and Eli Manning as your "studs".  That is the foundation for a last place team.

But before we get into my strategy to ensure a solid QB, I want to to discuss Tom Brady.  Basically, is he still an elite fantasy QB?  "Elite" in this instance means a top 5 QB to me.  I don't know that he is.  He's burned a LOT of bridges with fantasy nerds recently.  Now granted, I am still bitter about his shitty season last year and his knee DESTROYING one of my teams two years ago.  But I watched him a lot last year and I didn't get the same awesome vibe from him that I used to.  Is he in the same fantasy class as Brees, A-Rod, Pey Pey, Rivers, and (ugh) Romo?  I'm not so sure that I would rather have Brady over any of those guys for my fantasy team.  I might even take Favre over him.  I don't know though, what's the consensus?  Is Tommy Brady still an elite fantasy QB?  I have my doubts.  Either way, he is officially on my no-draft list this year.  Never again, pretty boy faggot.

Let's get back to the idea of drafting QB's early though and why it is a good idea.
1.  This is the one position where the waiver wire won't help you.
2.  They are less likely to get hurt.
3.  They are guaranteed points.
4.  There are 30-40 running backs that you could live with...there are only 10-12 QB's.  Supply and demand, bitches.
5.  Good quarterbacks can only rarely be shutdown.

As I have played fantasy football for over fifteen years now, I have changed my strategy.  I used to believe in the age-old philosophy of going RB/RB in the first two rounds.  No more.  I MUST have a stud QB.  As long as I'm not drafting in the top 4, I'm taking a Brees or Rodgers when it comes around to me.  And if I do get lucky to get one of the 4 studs, you bet your ass that I'm getting Peyton or Rivers coming back.  Just look at the playoff teams from your league last year.  How many of them started Jay Cutler?  None.  Don't go cheap on QB's.  I can't stress this enough.  DONT GO CHEAP ON QUARTERBACKS.

In my auction leagues, 99% of the time my QB is my highest paid player.  In one, which allows keepers, I'm keeping Brees for 38% of my cap this year.  And I don't care.  Whoever owns Brees is going to the playoffs.  It's almost a certainty.  He's that good.  With Brees already on board, it just means that I can kick back and put down a case on draft day.  And that's why Draft Day is the best day of the year.  But let's get back on point here to finish this up.

Now, you won't hear any of the experts say it as they will try to get you to take Steven Jackson in the first round.  I'm hear to tell you not to bother.  Don't reach on mediocre running backs.  That is what rounds 6-8 are for.  Go out and get a reliable arm.  I've never heard anyone say, "You know, I'd love to take Peyton Manning here at pick 11, but the lure of Brandon Jacobs is just too strong."  Don't be that guy.  Don't be the guy that starts Matt Hasselbeck at QB because you went Jacobs and Shonn Greene in the first two rounds.  Because that guy is playing for 8th place.  He sucks.  You suck.  I'm going to win every league I'm in this year! 

Much like the NFL, fantasy football is a quarterback league.  It's just that Matthew Berry and Eric "The Molester" Karabell don't want you to know it.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Dreams And Nightmares In Your Sports Viewing Experiences

"HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
With the Yankees currently playing in Cleveland, I've been watching STO more than usual (which is never).  One of the few things that I like about these broadcasts is the team of Matt Underwood and Rick Manning.  Actually, Underwood sucks but I've always enjoyed Manning's work immensely.  But on Monday night, they spent almost an entire half inning discussing smoothies.  Yes, fruit smoothies from McDonald's.  In case you were wondering, Underwood prefers strawberry banana!  It was embarrassing and I couldn't believe how long they kept carrying on about it.  But it reminded me of a post that I've wanted to do for a long time now.  I am going to take the 5 major sports (MLB, NFL, NBA, and both college big dogs) and concoct my dream booths and studios.  I will not ignore the bad though.  I will also be addressing the absolute worst teams that a network could assemble.

Pretty simple, right?  While I normally prefer a two man booth, for the sake of the post and to acknowledge more quality/shitty announcers, we will make every booth a three man gig.  Since it's baseball season, let's start there.

MLB
Dream Booth - Jon Miller (PBP), Orel Hershiser, and Ron Darling
Nightmare Booth - Chip Caray (PBP), Joe Morgan, and Tim McCarver
Dream Studio Team - Karl Ravech (host), Chris Singleton, Sean Casey, and Tim Kurkjian
Nightmare Studio Team - Jeanne Zelasko (host), Eduardo Perez, Mitch Williams, and Fernando Vina
Thoughts - No sport has a higher percentage of terrible announcers than baseball.  That nightmare booth is the worst creation in sports history.  Can you imagine the horror?  Singleton is the most underrated analyst that ESPN has in ANY sport.  He is rock solid.  Yet Eduardo still gets camera time eventhough he can't even speak English.

NFL
Dream Booth - Gus Johnson (PBP), Cris Collinsworth, Brian Billick
Nightmare Booth (besides Greenberg, Golic, and Ditka) - Joe Buck (PBP), Jon Gruden, Phil Simms
Dream Studio Team - James Brown (host), Boomer Esiason, Tom Jackson, Jimmy Johnson, Jay Glazer
Nightmare Studio Team - Chris Berman (host), Cris Carter, Shannon Sharpe, Terry Bradshaw, Ditka, Keyshawn Johnson, and Chris Mortensen
Thoughts - Look it up, 90% of the games that Gus does come down to the last possession.  I could have sex with excited voice.  It's awesome.  I am one of the few people who appreciates the awesomeness of Collinsworth.  He knows his shit.  I hated Billick and Jimmy but love them in front of the camera.  That Nightmare Studio team...look at it.  That is horrendous.  It doesn't get said enough but Jay Glazer is a fucking pimp when it comes to scooping stories.

NBA
Dream Booth - Marv Albert (PBP), Hubie Brown, and AUSTIN CARR
Nightmare Booth - Mike Tirico (PBP), Jon Barry, Reggie Miller
Dream Studio Team - Ernie, Charles, and Kenny...it's already perfect
Nightmare Studio Team - Stu Scott, Jon Barry again, Chris Webber
Thoughts - Marv was a no-brainer and I like Hubie but I had to give some love to my man, AC!!!  No one loves the Cavs and DiGiorno pizzas more than Mr. Cavalier.  Reggie is fucking awful what with his 400 lower teeth and an Emmitt Smith-like grasp of the English language.  Stu Scott is a one-eyed ferry and Jon Barry is a walking dick.  He's a penis with ears.  I hate the Barry family.

College Basketball
Dream Booth - Verne Lundquist (PBP), Bill Raftery, and Jay Bilas
Nightmare Booth - Mike Patrick (PBP), Len Elmore, and Clark Kellogg
Dream Studio Team - Rece Davis, Seth Davis, Digger Phelps, and Greg Anthony
Nightmare Studio Team - Greg Gumbel, Dick Vitale, Hubert Davis, and Bob Knight
Thoughts - If you think about it, the two big networks typically do an excellent job with their college hoops coverage.  Kellogg has been a disaster on the A Team.  Verne and Raftery should be doing the Final Four every year.  I would love to see Rece and Seth eventually work together.  I'm one of the few that hates Knight.

College Football
Dream Booth - Brent Musberger (PBP), Gary Danielson, and Todd Blackledge
Nightmare Booth - Pam Ward (PBP), Andre Ware, and Paul Maguire
Dream Studio Team - Fowler, Herbie, Corso, and Jesse Palmer
Nightmare Studio Team - John Saunders, Dr. Lou, Mark May, and Desmond Howard
Thoughts - I've kind of started to grow sour toward Herbstreit as I think he's becoming a bit too pompous with tendencies of know-it-allism.  Palmer is underrated and would be a perfect replacement for Howard on Gameday.  That Nightmare Studio team is just rotten.  Pam Ward's dripping wet vagina...just seeing if you're still paying attention.

I think that I have these teams set up the way that I want them to be/the way that would lead to the most self-inflicted gunshots to the face.  What do you think?  Who am I forgetting?  Who deserves more credit/scorn?  Can someone please shoot another Erin Andrews peephole tape?  Happy Jersey Shore Day.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Dez Just Doesn't Get It

The Padres rookies, while lacking in the tits department, likely make better wings.
Hazing is a lot like the Catholic Church.  It has helped shape and form millions of people worldwide but a few bad seeds ruined it for everyone.  Much like raping altar boys has caste a large cloud over Catholicism, a few faggot fraternities and random shitheads have done the same for the time honored tradition of hazing.  Let me just come out and say it:  tasteful hazing is great.  I wouldn't want to live in a world without it.

And this whole Dez Bryant bullshit is pissing me off probably more than it should.  But that's because I believe in it's importance to a football team.  It's a rite of passage for football players.  When you are new to a team, you need to prove that you belong.  The veterans don't trust the new guys.  You don't just join a team and become one of the guys.  You work at it.  And doing bitch work for a year is how it's done, how it's always been done, and how it always will be done.  You prove your worth through selflessness and willingness to be a part of the team.  If that means that you have to do embarrassing shit, then so be it.

Not to go all old man on you, but when I was a Senior, a Freshman narced on us because we sprayed bottles of water down his back during a frigid practice in mid-November.  Hilarious?  Yes.  Harmful?  Absolutely not.  So the next morning, coach called all of us Seniors in to school early for a meeting with him and the principal about our hazing of the delicate flower.  It.  Was.  AWESOME.  It started off as coach bitching up a storm at us.  Then the principal pulled out a list of allegations that people called in to him that we had done.  "Then there's one guy getting a handjob on the 50 yard line"!  We almost plotzed!  That list was huge, too.  Then it became a screaming match as the captains had heard enough and started yelling back.  Like I said, it was great.  Nothing came about it as we weren't punished but I'll tell you what did happen.  The narc, I believe, did not make it.  I think he quit.  And that's what happens to faggots that can't hack a little hazing.  They are yellow, weak, cunt cowards.

Dez Bryant shit on every football player that has ever played the game with his selfish and egomaniacal behavior this past week.  People like Colin Cowherd, Peter King, Mike Greenberg and other pussies that have never strapped on the gear don't understand this.  I do.  I like to think that commenters like The Iceman and Daniel get it, too.  If an older guy asks you to do something, you do it.

So the story is that Roy E. Williams (the "E" stands for Extremely Shitty) told Dez to carry his pads in from practice.  On the hazing spectrum, this is about the lightest punishment that a rook will receive.  Dez refused.  He said that he's in Dallas to win football games and later lied by saying that he didn't know about rookies doing grunt work.  Obviously that last part is a total crock of shit even if his initial intentions are noble and semi-justifiable.  They just weren't smart.

Now, Roy Williams is a terrible wide receiver who should be working at the Citgo.  No one denies this.  But the fact remains that he is still a veteran with years of NFL experience.  He is allowed to boss around the newbies.  And the newbies should know better.  You don't do that.  Ever.  Regardless of what you were in college or what your expectations are in the NFL.  Suck it up, bitch.

In effect, Bryant has alienated himself from the rest of his teammates.  This reeks of him thinking that he's better than everyone else.  And he's going to get it.  He's going to get it bad through training camp.  He has earned every bit of shit that he catches, too.  When an older guy hazes you, normal people accept it and get it over with.  I hope that they duct tape his faggot ass to the goal post while running up a ten thousand dollar dinner tab on his credit card. 

In conclusion, this is a big deal.  It may not be to retard Cowboys fans or to the scrawny bitch media, but it should be to everyone who has ever trusted the guy on the line next to him because he knew that he could count on him.  Dez is going to get it.  If these Cowboys are anything like the Boys from the 90's, they will teach him a lesson.  Bryant will be paying many tabs for his teammates.  For Christ sake, imagine the bill he's going to have to pay his mother for all the $20 fucks that she tosses to the Cowboys this fall.  Dez will probably have to file for welfare...because his mother is filthy tramp!

At the end of the day, this is just one more reason to hate the Cowboys.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Let's Get To Know The AFC East

(This fag owns a football team and bangs J-Lo. No wonder LeBron went to South Beach.)

The NFL is just around the corner folks. So for the next several weeks I am going to be reintroducing you to all the divisions in the NFL. After all of these exquisite divisional previews are over, then it will be time for some predictions, and the NFL season will be just a week away. So let's talk about some NFL divisions...Even the ones you don't give a shit about, like the AFC East.

Last year, the AFC East ended up like this:

New England: 10-6
New York: 9-7
Miami: 7-9
Buffalo: 6-10

Not much separated the teams at the top. The Bills 6 wins were an aberration, no team that loses 6-3 to the Browns can ever really be a winner. Two of these teams went out and made some major improvements. The other two...not so much.

New England Patriots
Good: The Patriots will still have one of the best passing games in the NFL. Tom Brady is still one of the best at his position. Randy Moss is still one of the best at his position. Wes Welker is the best slot WR in the NFL. The O-line only gave up 18 sacks in 2009 and as long as they stay intact, that shouldn't change.

Bad: The Patriots defense is slipping and they know it. They went out and drafted three defensive players in the first round, and also grabbed a couple free agent defensive ends. Gerrard Warren is expected to come in and play DE in the 3-4 system, something he has never done before. And behind him, rookie Brandon Spikes is likely going to come in at ILB along side Jerod Mayo and rookie Jermaine Cunningham will get a lot of playing time at OLB. Plus, Vince Wilfork just got paid. Lets see how much Albert Haynesworth he has in him.

Ugly: The Patriots have always been known as the best TEAM in the NFL. They may not have the best players, but the coaching staff and players just get it. There seems to be a bit of a chasm now between the players and the front office. Tom Brady feels like his willingness to take less money is being used against him and his teammates. Teammate Logan Mankins agrees and is still holding out after being offered over $7 mil a year.

The Patriots have lost the mental edge they had on the rest of the NFL. The screws may come lose this year.

New York Jets
Good: Defense. Rex Ryan is the fucking man. He's one of the best defensive minds in the game, his players love playing for him, and he brings constant pressure no matter what the situation is. Hard to see any weakness on that side of the ball. This years defense won't look any different from last years...except maybe better.

Bad: Is Sanchez ready to lead his team to a playoff run instead of having to be carried? I don't think so. He really did play well in the playoffs last year, can't take that away from him. But there was no pressure. He goes out and throws 4 picks; oh well, that's what rookie QB's do. This year, the Jets are a real contender. Nobody is going to be surprised. With Thomas Jones leaving town, Sanchez needs to step up immediately and I don't think he can.

Ugly: Antonio Cromartie's parenting skills and ability to use a rubber. For fuck's sake, 7 kids in five different states? There is no doubt that Antonio Cromartie's got hoes, in different area codes.

If the Sanchise can live up to the hype then the Jets are the favorites to come out of the AFC. He can't, but the Jets still might do it despite him.

Miami Dolphins
Good: They dumped Ted Ginn Jr. and brought in Brandon Marshall. I don't think you can possibly make a bigger improvement at the WR position. Chad Henne has a real WR to throw to this year and I think you will see marked improvement in his game. The running game is going to be just as good as last year and the defense will be even better.

Bad: I don't think Chad Henne is bad, but if there is one weak link on this team it is definitely the quarterback position. Henne will be the full time starter for the first time and he has all the tools to be an above average to great starting quarterback...but there is a reason Chad Pennington was getting the starts before he got injured.

Ugly: I hated the pick of Jared Odrick in the first round. They could have used some help at DB, maybe went after Nate Allen instead. When is the last time a draft pick from Penn State panned out? I'll wait.

The Dolphins look solid all around. If the defense can reach its potential then they can win this division. If they can't, they may be sitting in the exact same spot as they were last year.

Buffalo Bills
Good: They have three solid options at running back. Fred Jackson is going to be the every down back, Spiller will get reps on third downs and certain situational carries, and Lynch can grind out the short yardage. Yeah, that's about all there is to say.

Bad: There offensive line is probably the worst to ever be assembled. The have a couple guys coming back from serious injuries, but even at 100% they still shouldn't be starting in the NFL. It's bad enough when you have the worst depth in the league at the quarterback position, but having then take snaps behind the worst O-line is a recipe for disaster. No way the starting QB makes it through the entire season.

Ugly: Anything and everything about Buffalo. Just move to Toronto already. Maybe they will let you join the CFL.

If they get more than six wins I will suck commenter Daniel's balls while singing the Fuckeye's fight song. Speaking of, congratulations to Daniel and his lovely lady. They got engaged this past weekend and I'm just glad he found another girl to love him other than his mom.

Divisional Fantasy Breakout: Shonn Greene seems like an obvious pick here, and I think he will breakout, but I'm looking at another running back in the division. Laurence Maroney. He has burnt fantasy owners for years, but last year he actually put together a decent season. The other three RB's on the roster will be a combined age of 100 years old when the season starts. Maroney is getting at least 13 TD's and should chew up some yardage late in games.

Greenbacks: The last two years the Bills and Dolphins have covered in only ten home games combined, that's 10 out of 32 for the mental defects. That's horrible. However, they have combined to cover 22 games on the road the last two years, 22 out of 32. Very impressive. Just something to think about when these two teams show up on your betting card.

Leave your thoughts and ill-informed opinions in the comments. Or just talk about how the Toledo Rockets just agreed on a home and home with the Miami Hurricanes to begin in 2015.

Monday, July 26, 2010

It's Time You Learn Some Etiquette

Pay attention to me, people, for I am a model employee!
I've noticed a disturbing trend in my office building recently.  There has been a major lack of class and decorum shown.  So I felt that it's up to me to correct this problem.  There have been way too many violations of unwritten (but widely accepted) rules in the restroom on my floor.  And it needs to stop.  But only after I give you all a guidebook on the how's and why's of proper office bathroom etiquette.

This is not my first post about this topic either.  How could we forget about the Jimmy Dean Pooper or Donkey Fucker?  Let's end this debate.  Let's set the rules and expectations.  Let's finally get rid of those worthless no-flush urinals that are fucking awful and serve no purpose at all.  Why get rid of the flushing urinals when the actual toilets themselves are so powerful that they could swallow up a truck tire?  It makes no sense to me.  No-flush urinals are worse than AIDS.

Let me lay out the schematics to my john for you.  There are two urinals, three stalls (one handicap), two sinks, and a Mexican lady who always wants to clean when I'm in there.  She will open the door and say "housekeeping" (eventhough that makes no sense as my office building is not a hotel) and I will respond with an "UNHHHHHHH!"  It's a horrific sound but then again, I don't like to be bothered while achieving greatness on the throne.  Now that you know that, let's get to the rules.

1. Handicap stalls should only be used in case of emergency - Don't be a dick.  You don't need the extra space unless you weigh 400+ pounds.  There are two guys in wheelchairs on my floor and they are extremely nice.  I would hate to walk out of the stall, while the other two are empty, only to see one of them waiting for me.  Take a lesson from Larry David.  But if it's a full house in there and you HAVE to go, then so be it.  But keep it quick.

2. Unless you absolutely HAVE to, never stand next to a guy at a urinal - It's just like going to a movie with a buddy...you need a buffer zone.  I admit, I get stage fright.  I HATE it when someone pisses next to me.  It creeps me out.  I don't know why, but I feel vulnerable and I don't want to be crowded.  If someone is already at a urinal, just use a stall.  That being said...

3. If you are pissing in a stall, lift the fucking seat - NOTHING pisses me off more than seeing dick water all over a toilet seat.  How can anyone be that lazy?  Lift the fucking seat up with your foot if you don't want to tough the thing.  No guy has perfect piss aim either and there is no reason to be a hero.  It sickens me.  It takes less than a second to not be disgusting.  Use the full second for the sake of your co-workers.

4. How about flushing your floaters, dick? - This kills me.  At least once a week, I will go into a stall to piss since the urinal is occupied, and a little nugget will be in the bowl just swimming along.  How do you not check to see if everything made it down the hole?  Here's a hypothetical for you:  say your boss sees you walk out after "taking your talents to Souf Beach" and he's going in after you to take care of his business as well.  He sees that you don't even know how to take a proper shit.  You will never get promoted.  I am sure of this.

5. Who throws TP on the floor? - Some people like to grab a handful of TP to wipe any excess water/ass hair off the seat.  I get why...because seat covers are for ferries.  But why would you throw it on the ground once the seat is "clean"?  This is your fucking place of employment not the Citgo bathroom!

6. Wash yo' hands - This shouldn't NEED to be said, but there is this one guy on my floor who never ever washes his hands after a pee.  It is absolutely disgusting and horrifying.  And it's not that I think that he pisses all over his hands either.  It's that he touched his weirdo dick and the next thing that he touched was the door handle.  I think I'm going to be sick.

7. No farting - Farts are almost always hilarious.  But this is your job, not a locker room or your wife's face.  Sounding the foghorn when you take a leak is unacceptable at the office...no matter how loud and funny it might be.

8. No talking - Bathrooms are for shitting and pissing, not for socializing and talking about sports.  Again, I shouldn't have to say this. 

There.  8 simple rules to make your office bathroom experiences as tolerable as possible.  Personally, I love taking care of things at work.  I don't want to unclog a toilet at the house, but I know that the power flushers at the office are uncloggable.  It's great.  But nothing bothers me more than the rule breakers.  They must be stopped.  They must be killed.  Spread the word, men, it's about damn time we put some class back into our work dumps.

***For those of you wondering why I have not shared any stories about my annoying co-worker, Debbie Downer, for awhile, the answer is simple.  She has sort of just disappeared and has been gone for over three months.  Some say she quit.  Some say she hurt herself.  Some (like me) think that Robert Stack should get involved.  Either way, she has been replaced permanently.  But I hope that she shows up again some day expecting that her job is still waiting for her.  That would be awesomely awkward and potentially volatile.  And that is exactly what I want.

Friday, July 23, 2010

#1...Who Ya Got?

Please don't hold my horrible cameo on that horrible show, Entourage, against me.
In my opinion, it's never wrong to talk about fantasy football.  If I had my druthers, I would write about it constantly.  But I reign myself in for you the reader and occasionally discuss RedHawks basketball in July in spite of anonymous pre-mentrual blood farts (thanks for that, Iceman).  But the NFL season is right around the corner and that means it's time to hunker down and start focusing on fantasy.  Because it is very important.  My first fantasy draft is in 5 weeks with the extremely forgettable DFL (run by Dut).  It's time to start dropping knowledge on you fools.

I was watching Sportscenter at the gym last night and Brian Kenny was talking to Steven Jackson.  Jackson said that he was the best RB in the league.  He is wrong.  I nearly fell off the treadmill.  Then, Jackson said that fantasy owners should draft him #1.  He is wrong again.  In fact, no running back has burned fantasy owners more over the past five years than Jackson.  I know that he got me once.  And I will never take him again.  I want nothing to do with him.  He can eat a big bowl of Asian dicks (cocktail weenies doused in soy sauce).

But Steven does bring up a good point.  Who are you taking at #1 if you are fortunate enough to be on the clock first on draft day.  Let's be honest here, there are only two options here.  It's either Adrian Peterson or Chris Johnson.  Let's weigh the pro's and con's for each guy:

ADRIAN PETERSON
Pro - Absolute stud, has good weapons in the receiving game that help open up the box, will probably have Favre still, plays indoors on turf, doesn't split carries anymore, playing for a new contract, gets 4 games against the Bears and Lions
Con - Fumbles all the fucking time, may have Tarvaris Jackson as his QB, has a terrible coach, shaky O-Line, slight injury concern although not so much anymore
Additional - Why did they draft Toby Gerhart exactly?  That makes no sense.  It would be like if the Steelers said ten years ago, "Hey, we've got The Bus but let's bring in Mike Alstott, too!"  And as much as I loved Toby in college, he isn't taking carries away from All Day.

CHRIS JOHNSON
Pro - Insane cop speed, awesome hair, great O-Line, offense committed to the run, doesn't split carries, doesn't turn it over, great coach, will probably lead the league in 50+ yard touchdowns
Con - Shaky QB, no weapons in the pass game, just got paid (which is a pretty big deal...ask Al Haynesworth), plays in a tough division, defenses have to game plan to stop him first and make VY beat them
Additional - Do the Titans still have Javon Ringer as their #2?  Yeah, CJ is getting goalline touches, too.

So who should you and I take if we're picking #1 this year?  While there is no doubt that Chris Johnson is the better running back, I can't pass up AP (as long as Favre is playing).  The Vikings are just so much more potent and will score probably 15-20 more touchdowns than the Titans will this year.  Peterson is going to get a good chunk of those.  Who cares if he drops the ball all the time?  They have no one else to give it to.  They are going to keep feeding the beast.  CJ is the sexy pick but AP is the safe, surefire bet.  In fantasy football, risks are for the later rounds.  And while CJ isn't really a risk, you still can't be 100% sure what you're getting from that Titans offense.  You KNOW that the Vikes are going to score and Peterson is going to punch in 15-20 scores.  Take what you know.

What did we learn here today?  Peterson is still the man in fantasy football and the guy who is picking second this year is going to be a very happy GM no matter who is picked #1.  Next week, we talk quarterbacks.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Charlie Coles Is Fucking Crazy

This is how you properly twist a titty, motherfucker!
Well, it's official.  On Friday, November 26th, my beloved RedHawks basketball squadron will invade The Schott for a contest with the evil anOSU team.  Obviously, Spaz Matta has been ducking us for years and only now agreed to play the Red and White during a rebuilding year.  That fucking coward.  I'm almost 100% sure that I will be in attendance for this one.  After all, I've been wanting this for years even if we aren't going to be very good (our guards are going to be TERRIBLE).  Who won the last meeting between the two schools in an early 90's NIT tourney?  That's fucking right.  WE STILL OWN YOU!!!

Here's the problem.  AnOSU is going to be really solid this coming season even after losing Evan Turner and Mark "World's Most Overrated Blogger" Titus.  Yet the Buckeyes are probably only the third toughest team on our OOC schedule.  Look, I like that Charlie goes out and schedules the big dogs.  I really do.  But this year's slate is fucking IMPOSSIBLE.  They will be lucky to win TWO of these 13 games.  Just look at it...I'll wait...I swear that you'll shit yourself when you run through this bitch:

Home:
1-3. 3 games hosting a tourney (San Diego State [Steve Fisher comin' to Oxford, yo!], Wisconsin-Green Bay, IUPUI)
4. Cincinnati (2009 record: 19-16, 2009 NIT Participant)
5. Xavier (2010 pre-season top 30 team)
6. Troy (2009 record: 20-13, 2009 NIT Participant)
7. Towson (2009 record: 10-21)

Road:
1. Kansas (2009 NCAA Tournament)
2. Ohio State (2009 NCAA Tournament)
3. Dayton (2009-10 NIT National Champions)
4. Wright State (2009 record: 20-12)
5. Belmont (2009 record: 19-12)
6. Duke (2009-10 NCAA National Champions)

How fucking hard is that?  Only two of those teams failed to win TWENTY games last year!  That might be tougher than playing in the goddamn ACC!  I want to pencil in Towson as a win but they rolled us by double digits last year in their barn.  This is fucking absurd.  Charlie is going to kill these kids.  If his goal is to be the first coach to ever start 0-13 but have an RPI in the top 25, well, mission accomplished.  What am I saying here?  OF COURSE, we are going to beat the Buckeyes.  Jon Diebler is worse than anyone that ever went to Miami University.  That rat-faced bitch is going to get destroyed.  Julian Mavunga is gonna feed Columbus his shit!  Don't you worry, Jules is bringing his "BAD MOTHERFUCKER" wallet with him.

One more time though, LOOK AT THAT MURDERER'S ROW!!!  This is going to be another frustrating season.  When does the college hockey season start again???  Oh, we can't win that either?  When does the 2011 football season begin then?

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Why Congress Should Weigh In On College Football

Probably about 6 months or so ago, I wrote a post about the former security guard in my office building.  You may remember him for getting in trouble once he became a Columbus police officer.  You see, he was picking up chicks on warrants, telling them to blow him for their freedom, and then taking them to jail anyway.  A brilliant plan but poor execution.  I mentioned that I would certainly be a dirty cop if I was ever given a gun and a badge.  There is no doubt.  I would be crooked.  I would take food, CD's, DVD's, whatever in lieu of booking someone.  No sex or cash though...that's when you get into trouble.

But the thing is, I KNOW that that is wrong.  If I get caught with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar, I would want it to blow over because who cares if a cop is taking a bag of Soft Batch cookies instead of busting punks.  There are different levels of accepting bribes and those that don't get greedy, don't get busted. That same philosophy works in other aspects of life, too.

Football players accepting benefits from boosters and agents are back in the news again.  Why?  Because bitches be greedy.  Have some fucker buy you a steak dinner but not your parents a house.  Have an agent give you a $500 gas card from Sunoco, not 100 fucking thousand dollars.  It's just so stupid of these kids to completely shit on their teammates and coaches for an unnecessary pay day that is coming from an NFL team soon anyway.

And they don't even get punished!  That's the problem.  Reggie Bush and Maurkice Pouncey aren't getting shit done to them in spite of their devious pasts.  And it's wrong.  This is where Congress needs to step in.  Forget about the BCS.  No one cares about that.  How about somehow and some way making these guys who accepted fucking BRIBES accountable?  In any other profession, if you're taking money on the side, you go to prison.  Why is college football different?  Would anyone be against that?  If a college athlete takes money that isn't his and that he didn't work for, he runs the risk of a prison sentence (let's say 8-12 months).  We no longer punish the schools or the program.  Those Florida and USC kids on the team now should not be doing the time.  Fuck that.  Send the selfish fucks to the rape house.

Maybe I'm going too far though.  How about this?  You take money from a booster, you have to live on food stamps for an entire year.  You get a free car from a dealer?  License gets suspended for 5 years.  Your parents are dumb enough to take money from an agent?  They should be killed and their son should be forced to eat them.  Basically, there has GOT to be consequences to those actually responsible for shitting on their school and collegiate athletics.

Don't think that I've forgotten about coaches either.  John Calipari (now on his third school with recruiting violations) should NEVER be allowed to set foot on a campus again.  He's had enough chances.  It's time that someone kills him for being a scumbag.  Same with Pete Carroll. 

If anyone disagrees with me on this (that college athletes who accept bribes should be criminally prosecuted), you are dead fucking wrong.  Dead wrong.  It has to stop.  Maybe jail time will finally deter these greedy bastards.  If this sounds like a witch hunt, maybe it is.  I've been dying to see commenter Daniel do some jail time for the millions of dollars that commenter Li'l Strut funnelled to him throughout his time at anOSU.  They both deserve to die and I hope they BURN IN HELL!!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Predicting the AFC North

(What are you gonna do, when rape-a-mania runs wild on you?)

I decided to switch it up a bit for the AFC North. The majority of the people who read this blog are fans of one of the teams in the division--stupid queermo's--and I think this is going to be an exciting year for that division(not really). I imagine all of you have your own predictions about which horrible franchise will finish ahead of the other horrible franchises, so I figure I better give my own...because let's be honest, my opinion is the only one that matters.

Last year, the AFC North ended up like this:

Cincinnati: 10-6
Baltimore: 9-7
Pittsburgh: 9-7
Cleveland: 5-11

That looks pretty mediocre, because it is. Expect more of the same in 2010, but with a bit of a shake up in the standings.

Cincinnati Bengals. AFC North Champs.
I don't think last year was a fluke. That defense is stacked. Johnathan Joseph and Leon Hall are likely the best cornerback duo in the NFL. Ndukwe and Crocker are playmakers at safety. Dhani Jones, Keith Rivers, and Rey Maualuga are a great trio of linebackers--when Rey isn't out driving drunk while banging underage snatch. The defensive line was decimated by injuries, most notably Antwan Odoms going out after having 8 sacks in only five games, but everybody is back healthy and they went out and got Carlos Dunlap and Gino Atkins to help out. This defense will only be better.

On offense, well, Carson Palmer is still there. But he is usually good until January rolls around. Cincy went out and added Antonio Bryant, Jermaine Gresham, and Jordan Shipley to give Palmer something more than Ochenta y Cinco. Three different running backs averaged over 4 YPC last year for the Bengals. That's right, even the corpse of ladies man Larry Johnson averaged 4.4 YPC.

The Bengals aren't getting anywhere near a Super Bowl ring, but they are winning this division no matter how many current and future felons they have.

Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore is probably the sexiest pick out there right now for Super Bowl champion. I don't believe the hype. Anquan Boldin was a nice addition, but I don't expect him to put up the same numbers in Baltimore as he did in Arizona. Boldin is good, but Fitzgerald gave him so many opportunities. That's why Arizona is going with Breaston and Doucet, they know what Fitzgerald did for Boldin. I guess they also added Donte Stallworth, but his only real skill is running down pedestrians while drunk so I'm not sure what good that does the Ravens. That defense isn't getting any younger and the secondary didn't get any better.

Joe Flacco also has a unibrow. Can that unibrow support the enormous weight of quarterbacking a Super Bowl contender? I think not.

Cleveland Browns
No, this is not a joke. I have this sickening feeling that I cannot shake. The Browns are really going to make a move this year. I wish I could sit here and give you a list of reasons why the Browns have improved so much over the offseason, but I can't. Jake Delhomme is terrible. Josh Cribbs might be the most overrated player in the NFL. The defensive line is still awful, unless Rogers plans on using his gloch on the field. If that's the case, you can go ahead and pencil then in for the Super Bowl.

There is something going on in Cleveland, I can feel it. Rejoice Cleveland, you're out of the cellar. (I hope this is the kiss of death that makes them go 0-16).

Pittsburgh Steelers
Do you believe in karma? I do. Big Ben is a two time rapist--at least--and also a two time Super Bowl winner, karma is about to catch up and break its foot off in Ben's ass. Ben is going to miss six weeks. Byron Leftwich ain't winning shit. The Steelers are going to be 1-4 before Big Ben sees the field.

Beyond Ben, who do the Steelers even have? That offense will be horrible. They don't have a single offensive threat. Nobody is scared of Hines Ward. Nobody is worried about game planning for Rashard Mendenhall. The defense was good last year, but not good enough to carry a team to the playoffs.

Mark this shit down, the Pittsburgh Steelers will finish in last place in the AFC North.

That just happened.

A Special Congrats to One Luck Reader


Love is in the air, folks. One of our loyal readers has found himself that special someone in his life. We all know he is still gay, but this should quell the rumors for at least another year.

Commenter Dustin, after going on only one date, got engaged this past Thursday. This lucky lady is supposedly going to be a doctor very shortly so Dustin took my advice and popped the question on the first date. Our conversation went a little something like this:

Dut: This girl is a 3rd year med student and will be a doctor...want to be a stay at home dad with me? (Best idea ever).
Me: Yeah, now you're starting to figure it out. You should just propose tomorrow night--the night of the first date--and get it over with.
Dut: I don't care if she is a 5. Being a doctor makes her a 10! (Dut prefers those that look like overweight bulldogs).
Me: Buy that fuck ring now!
Dut: I don't remember completely what she looks like. No Prenup!
Me: Women never want prenups. You're golden. Were you just shit canned and asked this broad out on a date?
Dut: So I was half sober at Lodge Bar and she walked up and called me an ass hole...I apparently met her a couple weeks ago and she said I was really drunk and a huge ass hole.
Me: So she knows you're a drunken ass hole and still agreed to go on a date with you? Marry her tonight.

Later that night...
Me: Did you pop the question?
Dut: About to...She said Yes!!!
Me: Wow. Congrats. I'm really happy for you.

So congratulations to Dustin. Now all you have to do is switch up her birth control pills and poke a hole in the rubber and you're in that bitches life FOREVER.

And yes, that was a real conversation we had. This is the real deal.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Manual Labor: An Open Forum

(I should have just paid this illegal $5 to put up the fence for me, but he was not hanging out in front of Lowe's this weekend)

Uggggggggggggggggggggggh.  Worst weekend ever.  I barely watched any TV.  Other than the Indians/Tigers outcome, the Yanks/Rays, and the British Open winner, I have no idea what else happened in sports.  I was totally out of the loop eventhough I barely left my property.  Why?

Remember my post about when our puppy fought an SUV to a draw?  Well, this was the weekend that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law came down to help put up a fence so that that never happens again.  I am about as handy as a fucking shark so this is something that I could NEVER do by myself.  The in-laws know their shit so it was going to happen whether I like it or not.  I fucking loathe being outdoors in the summer.  I despise humidity.  I definitely do not like working in the yard even when it is my own.  And I sure as shit HATE waking up before 7 am on the weekends.

This is how it went:  My alarm goes off at 6:30 on Saturday morning with the wife yelling at me "don't even think about hitting the snooze button because everyone is already working".  We worked until dark (9 pm).  We dug our own holes for the fence posts.  My property is pretty much sitting on top of a rock farm which made this extremely difficult.  My back and hands are killing me from that shit.  But it wasn't all bad.  There were two large pine trees in our backyard that I hated.  They served no purpose and every time that I mowed over a pine cone, I thought that someone was shooting at me.  So the BIL got the chainsaw out and watching those fuckers fall was sweeter than my balls with hot fudge on them.  I don't know why the hippies get all butt hurt about the rain forest.  Watching trees fall down is awesome.  Swiney came over in the evening, we finished a big section of the fence, ordered up some ribs, and called it a night.

By the way, I don't know the science behind it, but beer is fucking amazing when you've been outside all day.  Most of you already knew that but I wanted to say it again anyway.  I was drinking cans in 3-4 gulps without even realizing it.  It is the only redeeming quality of outside work.

Yesterday was dedicated to building and putting up the gate.  Work started at 7:15 AM (we slept in!) and finally finished at 4:30.  23.5 hours of working in the yard in a 36+ hour stretch.  Fucking sucked.  That is totally NOT me.  But at least it's over.  Sure, I'm sunburnt, currently lead the nation in "Cookie Butt", sore as shit, have vinyl glue residue all over me, and want to kill myself, but the work is done.  And I can get back to being a lazy-ass writing about sports.  Which is what I do best (or at least better than digging holes).  I don't plan on doing work to the house ever again.

And since I've got nothing else to say, I'm leaving it open to you.  Do you hate being outside and actually, you know, working?  Am I a pussy?  Can we blow up the sun?  Any good stories about dropping an anvil on your head or something else hilarious?  I'm asking you to help me make this post worthwhile today.  Because I'm hurting...and when you see your hero hurting, it's up to YOU to pick up the slack.

This Is What A Pretender Looks Like

(Will someone please tell me where Shaq is going to play next year!!!)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Nice job getting swept by the fucking Lake County Captains this weekend, you queer losers!  The Tigers are awful.  They should just quit now and take a long offseason.  If you can't beat the Indians in 4 games, you truly do not belong in the postseason let alone Major League Baseball. They should have to play in the International League until told differently.  Embarrassing.  The Indians winning 4 in a row is a bigger upset than Louis Oosthuizen winning The Open times ten.

But then again, Lou Brown (James Gammon) apparently died over the weekend.  The Tribe were probably inspired.  Somewhere, God just got a great deal on some whitewalls.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Four More Years! Four More Years!

Ladies and gentlemen--who am I kidding, just gentlemen, yesterday, July 15th 2010 was the four year anniversary/birthday of this mediocre site.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Why did we not celebrate it yesterday?  I'd rather mail it in on a Friday.  Is this a big deal?  No, not really.  It just reminds me of how much time I've wasted over the past 1400+ days (a lot).  What can you expect today?  Well...I sort of dropped the ball on that one.

Last weekend, I was back at my parents house for a day and my mom gave me 3 boxes of shit that I told her to save ten years ago but it was time for me to take it.  So I'm sifting through it on Sunday afternoon and find all sorts of great shit.  I'm talking EPIC shit.  Things like:  an autographed KEVIN SEITZER picture, my 7th and 8th grade football video tapes, a couple of $1 chips from Binion's in Vegas, every Seinfeld episode ever made recorded on about 15 VHS tapes which are all now in the trash, and the crown jewel itself.

You all remember my story about the extra point that I made in my last high school football game, right?  If you don't remember, click here and enjoy.  Well, the footage HAS BEEN FOUND!  Everyone that I talked to did not have the highlight video anymore, but I've got it.  Finally.  And the video was going to be my birthday present to you eventhough it's my birthday.  But it's going to take awhile to figure out how to convert VHS material to YouTube.  Someone a lot smarter than me is going to have to help.  So I'm back at square one for the birthday post.

Also found in these boxes were some extremely shitty yet superb journals from a young Money.  In English class my Senior and Junior years, the teachers made us write in a journal every day.  About anything.  I was flipping through them and they are just amazing and bizarre.  I'm hoping to use some of that shit here in the future.  I even wrote a paper (for some reason I kept my writing portfolio) in 1997 about how steroids should not be banned in baseball.  That was 13 fucking years ago!  I was way ahead of the times.

So to wrap up this monumental post, how about a poop story?  Monday night, I'm grilling up some burgers for dinner.  We buy ours at Kroger and they have a tendency to compact 8 pounds of ground beef into one patty.  They are fucking huge, I can never cook them correctly, and it is nearly impossible to finish it.  Of course, She$ never can.  She gets up to grab something and the puppy hops on the chair to snag the remaining half burger.

He's running around the kitchen with 3 pounds of greasy meat in his mouth with me chasing after him.  I catch him and rip out whatever I can get.  I get about 2.5 pounds of it.  No problem, right?  I'll take that.

I get home from work first on Tuesday and somehow he had knocked over the coat rack and had been chewing on pens.  Annoying but whatever, he's still a puppy (by the way, since the shelter didn't know his birthday, we've deemed Alex's birthday 9/11...yeah, I'm great).  I take him out before even going inside since he usually has to take care of business right away. 

The missus comes home a few minutes later and I'm bitching because it's hot and he refuses to shit.  She goes inside and comes right back out to inform tme hat their is shit on the living room floor.  Fuck.  He must be a little sick from the greasy meat.  So we go inside to investigate further and, not only is the smell absolutely horrendous, but their is dog shit EVERYWHERE.  There were four separate piles of crap scattered throughout the house than an offensive line unit would be impressed by.  The dog weighs 40 pounds yet somehow produced 80 pounds of turd.  It was horrifying and impressive at the same time.

Thinking that it was over, we let him be on Wednesday as well.  Of course, I come home and get that fecal aroma punching me right in the nose.  Another triumphant poop statue of Albert Haynesworth sitting in front of the stairs.  So he and I had a sitdown to iron out our issues:

G$:  Listen asshole, you get one more day.  If I come home and there is another lump of shit on the floor, I'm getting the fucking crate back out.  If I'm not allowed to shit on the floor here, neither are you.

It seemed to work.  We've been poop-free for 24 hours now.  Although the house still kind of smells.  Damn, this is getting kind of long for a mail-in post.  This needs to end. 

Happy Birthday to The Money Shot.  Happy Birthday indeed.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

A Tradition Unlike Any Other: Pissing On A Golf Course

OK, this is getting ridiculous.  For the first time in a very long time, it's alright to defend Big Ben and his behavior.  There are conflicting reports but the gist of it is (and you probably already know this) that Ben and some friends are playing a round of golf at Muirfield in Dublin, either he or one of his friends has to piss, some nosy neighbor witnesses whoever it was taking a squeege, and then calls the police.  This is fucking retarded on so many levels.

Depending on which story you believe, it's still stupid.  It's a fucking golf course.  Men drink a lot of beer when they play.  There aren't port-o-johns next to every green (and even if there were, those things are fucking disgusting).  Over the course of 18 holes, you are going to have to squirt at some point.  It is inevitable.  So what do normal people do?  They walk over to a bush, give a courtesy scan of the area, and let it fly if the coast is clear.  I guarantee that the same thing happened in this instance.  I guarantee that this happens 100 times a day at that course.  The only mistake was that the accused did not notice the bitch clearly trying to peep herself some golfer cock.

And what's the big deal anyway?  Was that the first schlong that she's ever seen?  If she's living on Muirfield methinks that she's ingested a few dongs in her life anyway.  It's a dick.  It's piss.  It's grass.  It's fucking natural.  Get over it.  Maybe I'm giving Ben too much credit here but I highly doubt that he saw the woman, started swinging his (apparently gray) dick around like a lasso, tackled her in her backyard, and then thrusted himself into her other backyard.  Possible, I suppose, but highly unlikely.

Hell, I've been so drunk on a course before that I've taken three steps off the tee box and let 'er rip.  And if someone said shit to me I would have imbedded my 3 iron (which I never use) into their skull.  I consider that club highly expendable.  This is what a drunk man on a golf course does, you see.  They piss.  Hell, you don't evne have to be drunk.  This is what MEN do on the course.  The more that they spend to play that round of golf, the more leeway they get with the usage of their dick.  It's Marketing 101!  On a public course, keep it caged.  But if you are dropping serious bank, you should be able to play naked if you want to.

The only places on a golf course which are taboo for urine are the green, the tee, and the sandtraps.  That's it.  The rest is well within a golfer's limits.  And it doesn't matter how many trophy wives are watching.  Don't they have Guiding Light to watch anyway?

Also, it is never acceptable to shit on a golf course...well...in most cases.  Shitting your pants is always hilarious regardless of the situation and if you can somehow defecate inside of the cup, talk about a hole-in-one!  I'd love to see the greenskeeper's reaction to that.

So I've got your back on this one, Big Ben.  And always remember this helpful quote, "Lizards are for bleedin', not making others bleed".  I just made that up which is why it makes very little sense.

***By the way, HUGE announcement tomorrow.  Milestones be reached!

The Ohio State Fair Is On Steroids

I have never been to the Ohio State Fair before.  I have no desire.  I know what goes on at a Fair.  It's trashy.  There are plenty o' carneys.  The food is overrated.  I have a long history of issues with "the law" there anyway.  But it's a pretty big deal around here (I guess) so I did some research on the 12 day event beginning July 28th.

They locked down some pretty big names for concerts.  I am sort of impressed.  Not really, but sort of.  Here is the rundown:

7/28 - They are taping the Ohio Lottery Cash Explosion show there!  This is my favorite game show ever.
7/29 - Selena Gomez!  I think she's someone that middle school girls like.  Seems like someone that Dut would want to rape.
7/31 - Weezer!  I would definitely go to this if all they played were songs from the Blue and Pinkerton albums.  El Scorcho fucking rules.  And their live version of "No One Else" is groin-grabbingly great.
8/1 - Jeff Dunham!  Anyone that find this guy funny should be liquified.  This is She$ and I's anniversary date.  If she came home and said that she got us tickets to this show, I would make the Benoit house look like fucking amateur hour.
8/3 - Darius Rucker!  Who doesn't love a black country singer?  Tiiiiiiiime why you punish me?
8/4 - Devo!  I can't imagine any more than 100 Ohio residents are excited for this show.
8/5 - Heart!  Oooooooh BARRACUDA!  This would be a decent show to see.  Heart is sneakily underrated.
8/6 - Babyface!  Call me a queer, but I actually like "When Can I See You Again".  It's not Montell Jordan or "Return of the Mack", but it's solid.
8/8 - Rascal Flatts with Kellie Tits-ler!  Rascal Flatts are the worst thing to happen to music since Fred Durst.  They fucking suck.

As you can see, that's a pretty solid lineup for something as pointless as the Ohio State Fair.  But all of that pales in comparison to the main event.  I'm talking about the Fair Parade.  And you can't have a successful parade without a great grand marshal, can you?

Yep, Big Poppa Pump himself, Scott Steiner, is your 2010 Grand Marshal of the Ohio State Fair Parade!  Worst grand marshal ever?  How does a parent explain to his kid who and what that guy is?  This makes no sense unless Ohio is getting ready to legalize HGH in a way to stimulate the local economy. 

This goes out to all my freaks out there: Big Poppa Pump is your hookup; holla, if you hear me! Indeed we will, Scott, now throw some fucking Tootsie Rolls at the kiddies.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

RIP Big Stein...

(George thought it would be funny to put Sarah Jessica Parker and a black guy in a stable.  He was right.)

Damn, dude, it's been a pretty shitty week to be a Yankees fan (and it has nothing to do with the fact that we don't need Austin Jackson).  The Mariners backstab them regarding Cliff Lee.  Swish was less than Swishalicious in the Home Run Derby.  The "Voice of God" Bob Sheppard passes away.  And then yesterday, George Steinbrenner dies.  That sucks.  And personally, with all the Cavs drama, this might be the worst week of my life as a sports fan.

First of all, Steinbrenner is without question the best owner in sports history.  Not just baseball, all of sports.  You may not have liked how he did business, but you can't argue that you would have killed to have him own your team.  And to think, his entire career could have been in Cleveland instead of New York but they didn't want to sell him the Indians.  Nice move.

Although not everything that he did was smart and tactful, he normally made only brilliant business moves.  The biggest failure to me was him recommending multiple times to the NFL that Dan Snyder should be made an owner.  That was a horrible decision.  A goddamn horrible fucking decision.

Now I hardly ever get political here (for good reasons), but seriously, a rather popular (for reasons unknown) radio host (again) went all racist (for reasons unknown).  "That cracker made a lot of African-American millionaires!"  Yeah, because that untrue statement is George's lasting legacy, Rush.  Jesus, when will that asshole finally be cast back into the fiery depths of hell?

Steinbrenner was a smart and overly passionate guy.  He put his money where his mouth was.  He was his team's biggest fan.  He fucking hated losing.  He personified the idea of "The American Dream".  He traded for Ken Phelps.  He was a shockingly good SNL host.  I'll miss Big Stein even if he hadn't been involved with the team directly for a few years.  Rest in peace, George.

And if you think that, after these two deaths, the Yankees aren't winning the World Series this year, you are a fucking dolt.  It's over.  No way that they don't bring home World Series #28.  If you have any thoughts about the All-Star Game, you know where to leave them.

Don't You F'n Dare, Zydrunas

(Even Zydrunas can't wait for the Jersey Shore season 2 premiere!)

"Cavaliers free agent center Zydrunas Ilgauskas told The Miami Herald on Saturday that he is ``looking into the option'' of rejoining James, his close friend, in Miami. Ilgauskas said he has been in contact with the Heat, making him one of a handful of veteran centers Miami has pursued in recent days."

Oh sweet Jesus.  Please not this.  We Cavs fans have been through enough this past week. Don't you do it, too, Z. Don't follow that sack of shit to Miami. You are much too white and gargantuan for South Beach (or Souf Beach as The Rapist would say).

Yes, Z deserves a championship. But don't go there. Go to Chicago or Boston or Los Angeles...ANYWHERE but Miami. For fuck's sake, Pat Riley has already ripped the heart out of the Cavs and their fans, don't let him steal the soul, too.

UPDATE after I wrote this at noon yesterday:  Fuck, he's going there.  This one hurts.  Not as much as The Rapist, but still a lot.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Let's Get To Know The AFC South

(Why hello, Brian Cushing)

The NFL is just around the corner folks. So for the next several weeks I am going to be reintroducing you to all the divisions in the NFL. After all of these exquisite divisional previews are over, then it will be time for some predictions, and the NFL season will be just a week away. So let's talk about some NFL divisions...Even the ones you don't give a shit about, like the AFC South.

Last year, the AFC South ended up like this"

Indianapolis: 14-2
Houston: 9-7
Tennessee: 8-8
Jacksonville: 7-9

This division is quite stacked and has the potential to be the best in the NFL.

Indianapolis Colts
Good: Peyton Manning is still there so nobody has to worry about the offense. The Colts are loaded at the skill positions with Addai(pussy), Brown, Wayne, Garcon, Clark, and Gonzalez(pussy). Expect Garcon to own that two spot and Collie may even overtake Gonzalez for the slot. Either way, the offense will be dynamite...again.

Bad: Run defense. Of all the playoff teams last year the Colts gave up the most yards on the ground, finishing 24th in rush defense. Then again, the Saints finished 21st so maybe stopping the run doesn't mean as much as it used to. But the Colts did nothing to improve their defensive tackle play so look for them to give up 130 ypg on the ground.

Ugly: Peyton Manning's taint--or so I understand, Bob Sanders' stinky vag, and the gerbil still stuck in James Dungy's ass.

Overview: More of the same from the Colts, but the rest of the division is catching up.

Houston Texans
Good: On offense, the Texans are the mirror image of the Colts. One of the best WR's in the league, one of the best TE's in the league, and some solid supporting skill players behind them. Matt Schaub threw for 4,800 yards last year, leading the NFL, and that was with Owen Daniels missing the last half of the season. Another top 5 offense in the division.

Bad: I don't like the defensive tackles here either. Amobi Okeye hasn't lived up to his potential and starting Earl Mitchell, a rookie, isn't going to help the front 7. It also looks like they will be starting cornerbacks with a combined one year of experience. Kareem Jackson should come in and start as a rookie along side Glover Quinn, a 4th round pick in 2009. There DE and LB play can be their saving grace, but the defense as a whole will be inconsistent.

Ugly: Steve Lattimer...I mean, Brian Cushing's shriveled balls and bacne. If Cushing can't juice, I don't think he can play at this level. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been roiding up for the past four or five years. The NFL will be all over him and his play will suffer because of it. But hey, congrats on the DROY.

Overview: The defense still worries me, but the offense will be one of the best. Definitely a playoff contender, but not a Super Bowl dark horse like many are projecting.

Tennessee Titans
Good: They can't possibly start out 0-6 again, right? Kerry Collins' corpse has finally been pushed aside and VY is at the reigns. It isn't always pretty, but he finds a way to win. And then you have the best RB in the game, Chris Johnson. In 16 games last year there was only one time that wasn't the leading rusher, and that was in week 5 when LenDale White outgained him by 17 yards. That O-Line is dominant and will be the key to the Titans' success.

Bad: Defense. Remember when New England hung 59 points on them? That was the worst game I have ever witnessed. How are you going to let a team score 59 points in a white out? Well, the defense should be improved with the additions of Rod Hood, Tye Hill, and Will Witherspoon, but the D is still a weak link.

Ugly: Vince Young not on house arrest. A Steve McNair situation in the near future would not surprise me.

Overview: I have the perfect analogy. Last week I took Mrs. Ace to one of those Minute Clinic things in CVS because she wasn't feeling well. While I was waiting in the, uh, waiting area there was a rack of Hostess products. I don't even like Twinkies or half the shit on the rack, but holy fuck did I want one. I would have paid $20 for a fucking fruit pie. But then when I get up and see everything else in the store I realize that Hostess shit sucks and whoever is in charge of product placement is a genius. The Titans are a Hostess Fruit Pie. When you just look at them, you see serious darkhorse potential. But when you compare them to the rest of the league, you see a team that probably won't make the postseason. I still want a fucking fruit pie.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Good: Maurice Jones-Drew. He just might be my favorite player not named Brian Dawkins or DeSean Jackson. He's a top 3 RB in the league and can do everything; run, catch, and block--just ask Shawne Merriman. Even with a horrible offensive line last year, he rushed for over 1,300 yards and had almost 1,800 total yards. MJD is the anti-Reggie Bush and I love him for it.

Bad: While the Jags have several holes in their roster, David Garrard is just fucking terrible. Why would you ever pay that bum $60 mil? He is the black version of Jake Delhomme. With Garrard at the helm, the Jags can never really be taken seriously; kinda like any company who hires Matt Millen.

Ugly: Jacksonville. I know the team hasn't been the best, but show the fuck up, Jacksonville! Miami of Ohio had better attendance last year. The Jags are still over .500 in the last seven years. Do you know how many NFL cities would blow Charlie Weis's fup-gina for that?

Overview: This team will definitely be improved, especially along the front line. But it's Jacksonville, they would probably rather just tank and get ready for L.A.

Divisional Fantasy Breakout: Ben Tate. I don't know if you can call a rookie a breakout, but he definitely a fantasy sleeper. The Texans RB spot is wide open and Tate is probably the most skilled guy on the depth chart. At 5'11" and 220 lbs., Tate still has 4.4 speed and could put together a season that looks very similar to what Steve Slaton did in 2008.

Greenbacks: Jacksonville is going to sneak up on teams this year. The offensive line should improve greatly, especially the tackles, so Garrard won't be shaken as much by pressure. The defense will be more consistent now that they have decided on a 4-3 and went out and got some D linemen that will actually pressure the quarterback. Their schedule is tough, but this team is going to be in a lot of games and should pull off a few money line upsets as well. Don't be afraid to put your money on the Jags...even if their fans are.

Your approval is greatly appreciated in the comments.

Husband Knows Dick: Language of Love

(Because I care)

What is your language of love? I don't really care. If you're a commenter here it is probably Zima, GHB, and rodents. But that was the question Mrs. Ace and I were asked this weekend.

Despite already being married, we had to meet with the pastor to see if we were deemed fit to be married--which makes perfect sense, since he made us get married in June, but whatever. Mrs. Ace and I filled out this 250 question survey and it was time for us to discuss the results, as well as watch a video about the five languages of love. It turns out my language of love is quality time, but that's only because blumkins weren't an option.

Anyways, this 250 question survey had a series of statements about different parts of a relationship, and then I had to choose how much I agreed on a scale of 1-5; 1= strongly disagree, 5= strongly agree. When I fill out my survey I keep it very agreeable, the last thing I need is somebody who has never met me telling me how to improve a relationship. I assumed Mrs. Ace would do the same. As it turns out, I was wrong.

Mrs. Ace just threw me under the bus, making me look like I'm fucking Chris Benoit. Okay, maybe not that bad. But there were some statements like, "I feel my partner gets household chores done on time." I would answer a 4 because that's pretty much what I answered for everything positive. Mrs. Ace drops a 2 on me. Like I'm not the one who takes out the trash every time, or cooks almost every meal, or does the majority of the laundry. But whatever, it's household chores, I would rather come off like a normal guy who doesn't know how to operate a dishwasher than a twat who walks around in an apron.

Then, there is a statement like this, "My partner makes an effort to come up with new ideas and makes our love life enjoyable." My answer, 5. No guy is saying anything less than five here. Mrs. Ace's answer...3. Well fuck me in the ass. Christ, now the guy thinks I'm fucking impotent. At first, I'm a little shaken by this. No guy wants to see that. Evan Stone has taught me everything I know, no way his teachings would let me down. But then my mind begins to wonder.

Did I just get a green light to do all kinds of freaky shit because Mrs. Ace is a closet freak? Does she want to dress up in a Hooters outfit and have me come in in a Chipper Jones jersey? Does she want to bring in another girl? That's all I could think of for the last half of the meeting. Did this pastoral meeting really just open up the door to mass debauchery?

Nope. Mrs. Ace put a 3 because she didn't feel comfortable putting a 5 and having the pastor see it because we are 13 and can only hold hands, I guess. So now the pastor thinks I have the game of a tard, Mrs. Ace thinks it's funny, and I am disappointed on so many levels. What is the moral to this story? Not a fucking clue.

Monday, July 12, 2010

It's Still All About Cleveland Post-Apocalypse

You get 'em, Dan!  BEAT THAT BEAT BACK!!!

I didn't plan on continuing a discussion about this, but let's face it, it is still a huge story and EVERYONE has an opinion.  I was at Naptown Wolverine's house Saturday night for his 30th birthday (you're old, bitch!) and I got sucked into a 30 minute conversation with three near strangers about the topic.  What sort of story could make me do that?  None other than this one.  So let's finish the whole saga here today now that tempers have cooled and everyone is beginning to move on.  There are some things that I didn't get to talk about on Friday that I want to get out there today.  Let's get it done:

*That "pep rally" in Miami on Friday night was fucking disgusting.  To see those three sitting up there celebrating that they de-pantsed the sports world was just gross.  Pat Riley sitting there knowing that he just fucked everyone up the ass...terrible.  It is really, REALLY going to be easy to root against these fuckers over the next 6 years.

*I think that the thing that pisses me off the most about the way that rapist left town is that he signed a 6 year deal.  You know, had he signed a six year deal in Cleveland and actually committed to the franchise...well, we've been through this plenty of times before.  Let's just say that that really angered me.

*Now that I've had a few nights to sleep on it, I wish that Dan Gilbert wouldn't have scorched the earth as much as he did.  He should have taken a few deep digs at The Rapist (I'm going to call him this from now on) and let it be.  Instead, he kept going on and on.  Now, I initially liked it because he said what we were all thinking.  But he (and we) aren't the villains here.  We are the victims.  Publicly burying The Rapist only makes us look petty and sort of douchey.  I'm not saying that anything he said was wrong though.  I do believe that he betrayed the organization and his home.  I do believe that the franchise bent over backwards for him and covered up some shit that they probably didn't have to all to protect him and his family.  And I do believe that The Rapist is one of the main reasons why a title was never brought to The Q.  But he should have taken the higher road here.  And now I understand this since the hurt is subsiding.  It made everyone feel a bit better at first, but you can't take those words back.  Then again, he spent a shitload of money for zero results. 

*The house has been torn down obviously, now how do they get back to relevancy again?  I've read that the organization is divided whether to keep adding pieces and going for it or just stripping it and starting over.  I'm in favor of strippers and stripping the franchise.  They went for it, it didn't happen, and now you should start over.  The Hawks want Mo.  I like Mo but do it.  We just got 4 draft picks from Miami for The Rapist, let's try to build through youth.  If the NBA is truly fixed, then the Cavs will be getting the #1 pick in the draft sometime in the next 2 years.  And then you build a franchise the right way (like OKC).  Get a stud.  Surround him with young role players.  Let them grow together into a force.  But if they want to keep trying for the title, I'm OK with that, too.  As long as they beat Miami.  They MUST beat Miami next season.

*Manny Harris is on Cleveland's Summer League roster.  Terrible.  If he makes the team, I quit.  Some guy named "Pooh Jeter" is there, too.  I want the Cavs to build around this kid with the awesome name.

*It was surreal to see the city ripping the Witness sign down on Saturday.  By the way, I guarantee that they don't put one of those up in Miami.  Just sayin'...

*Jesse Jackson brought his racist ass into the mix by calling Gilbert a slave master and The Rapist his runaway slave.  When will someone assassinate this trouble-making shitcake?

*This might be the most pathetic realization from this whole ordeal.  Exactly who is the face of the Cleveland sports scene at the moment?  Varejao?  Holmgren?  Choo?  Grady Sizemore's dick in the coffee mug?  When you think of "Cleveland sports", what comes to mind now?  It's still probably The Rapist, don't you think?  But taking him out of the equation, who else?  Carlos Santana will be but he's not ready yet.  Choo is a gook.  Joe Thomas is a stud but no one knows what he looks like.  Andy is loved by the Cavs faithful and has the look, but he just isn't good enough.  Sadly, it's this guy:

Yep.  Jake Delhomme is the face of Cleveland right now.  The most popular team's starting QB has to be the answer, right?  And that is just sad.  THIS is what The Rapist did to Cleveland.  He made Jake Delhomme fill his shoes.  If Clevelanders think that it can't get any worse than the feeling they have right now, just wait until the first offensive possession of the Browns season.

I'm done with this matter now.  I hope.  Unless Dan Gilbert comes out and publicly calls me a faggot for quitting on him.  And I don't want that.

At least the Celebrity Softball Game is on tonight to make me forget about this.  I love this event.  It is a million times more entertaining than the Home Run Derby.  Early pick:  JAMES DENTON 4 MVP!!!