Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Middle Finger: BJ Upton

We as sports fans don't ask for much.  We want our teams and players to be competitive.  We want them to win while at the same time realizing that that isn't always possible.  We want them to stay out of trouble and be decent role models.  We want them to work hard and hustle.  We just want them to give a shit.  Because the fans do...probably too much.  Just act like losing hurts you as much as it hurts us.  It's that simple.  Unfortunately, some recent athlete behavior has my blood boiling.

Let's be honest, no one likes Randy Moss.  Is anyone a Randy Moss fan?  He only tries when the ball is thrown his way and he never gives any effort when asked to block.  It's embarrassing.  And the sad thing about it is that he has been able to get away with it for all these years.  For all the highlight reel catches that he's made throughout his career, whenever I see him dogging it as if he were pouting, it infuriates me.  And this is why people hate him.  It's because fans live by the mantra that they would kill to have his skills and his position in life.  Some even say that they would play professional sports for free if they could.  That is obviously bullshit because the best part of being a pro athlete is the money, fame, and lifestyle that they live.  But nevertheless, this is why fans say that.  Because they know that they have zero talent, but at least they would hustle and genuinely love to be playing the games that they love.

That being said, this week's Middle Finger goes to one of the biggest wastes of talent in baseball:  BJ Upton.

On Sunday, BJ Upton embarrassed himself, his team, himself again, himself a third time, and the game of baseball by fucking jogging after a ball hit in the gap which ended up leading to the winning run for the Diamondbacks.  And calling THAT "jogging" might be a stretch.  He used some half-assed excuse that he thought the LF was going to get it eventhough the ball was hit closer to him and CFer's are supposed to assume that every ball is theirs unless they get called off anyway.  Even after realizing that it was his to get, he never picked up the pace.  He just kept dogging it.  You've all probably seen the highlight by now anyway.  After the inning was over, Evan Longoria did what he was supposed to do and got in that fucker's face about it.  Upton had the nerve to run smack back at him eventhough BJ pretty much sucks, has been a bust in the league, is already ten times worse than his little brother, can't hit, and his team is on an amazingly shitty streak of crappy play.

Longoria was being the leader of a team in desperate need of leadership while Upton continued to be the prima donna that he always has been.  Keep in mind, this is coming on the heels of Hanley Ramirez getting destroyed publicly for doing the exact same thing a month or so ago.  He should know that you can't do that.  And Hanley is actually, you know, a superstar.  Upton can be replaced...EASILY.  Which brings me back to my initial point:  just show us that you care.  Don't rub your disinterest in the faces of your fans.

You may not be having a good day at the plate.  Your girl may have given you a toothy BJ the night before and it hurts to walk.  If your Miguel Cabrera, you may still be drunk.  But it doesn't take a ton of effort to hustle on and off of the field.  Like I said, fans are easy to please.  We just don't want to be taken for granted and asked to accept diva behavior.  It isn't hard.  It's why little losers like John McDonald and David Eckstein have been in the league for so long despite having zero talent.

Go fuck yourself, BJ.  And what kind of a grown man calls himself "BJ" anyway? Not even a loser like Byron Mullens goes by BJ anymore. No wonder you behave like a child.  So enjoy your Middle Finger, you spoiled little shit. Remember, the job of the CF (and every fucker on the field) is to PLAY HARD!

In short, quit being a pussy, BJ Upton.  But as a Yankees fan who realizes that Tampa is crumbling before our eyes, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, BJ!!!  You are a valued member of the Rays' demise!

What A Snatch

For the 42nd year in a row, the biggest pussy in Detroit, Joel Zumaya, is headed for some season (and possibly career) ending surgery.  One might say that he is Zoom Zooming his way to the DL again.  I think that this is funny because I hate the Tigers and their Busch Light-swilling fans.  They suck.  At least there is one pitcher less effective than AJ Burnett these days.

The real issue here is, how does this effect his Guitar Hero play???  Will he ever pitch again???  Fuck the Tigers?  Yeah, fuck the Tigers.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Wal-Mart Retards and Skanks Uniting

(Yes, that is my hospital bracelet)

First of all, I just want to say I am glad to be alive. Seriously. I consumed more alcohol in a weekend than most people do in a lifetime or seven. And then apparently late Saturday night I tried to make my way to the bathroom and slipped on the wet floor and broke my fall with my skull. I have absolutely no recollection of this, but I have a small gash and a crater the size of a golf ball on the top of my head to remind me. Concussions and booze do not mix. Fortunately, I'm alive and feel like fucking dog shit every time I open my eyes. Happy Bachelor party to me.

The shenanigans from the weekend began pretty much immediately. We went to get some food and start the drinking and found out there was a pirate theme in Put in Bay during the weekend...because apparently adults need an excuse to get drunk and look stupid. All I really wanted to do was enjoy my meal but it was disrupted by one of the most disturbing sites I have ever seen. Pirate pussy. I spotted some lady standing on a balcony above us who didn't appear to be wearing any panties. So we all point up to her and she jumps on the railing and lets the whole bar area get a peak at her beef curtains. Holy hell, that was one ugly vagina. I can't even describe it without feeling nauseous. All I can say is I will never eat a Philly cheese steak again.

So after we were offended by the nastiest gash in the history of Homo Sapiens, we decided it was our turn to offend some ladies. Or, more accurately, one of the members of our commentariate thought he should find some skanks. But he didn't really want to find skanks, he just wanted to yell skanks down the hallways and see who would get pissed off. My favorite exchange went a little something like this:

Commentor: Skanks, Unite!
Random guy with his wife: What did you just say?
Commentor: Skanks, Unite! Do you know where we can find some skanks?
Random Guy: No.
Commentor: Well what about her? (gestures to guy's wife)
Random Guy: Did you just call my wife a skank?
Commentor: No, sir. But is she, and does she know where we can find some?

The guy then puffed out his chest a little until he eventually realized he would have been walking into a death match. Shortly after this there was a knock on the door and a hotel employee was on the other side. It turns out at least five people had went down to the front desk to complain about some of the offensive exchanges that took place outside our door. I assured them there would be no more problems and they let us stay.

So we made it through one night. And then we started Saturday by cracking beers before noon and a Jagerbomb at half time of the USA soccer game. The bar was full of people with their faces painted red, white, and blue and I was determined to be as un-American as possible during the game because it just pissed me off. I had my first encounter with a vuvuzela and it's as lame as you thought it would be. I have no doubt that our chants for Ghana were the deciding factor of that game.

After the game we went out on the town again. Some of the group went to a pool bar connected to our hotel. One of the bachelor party attendees decided that he wanted to bring his own beer into the pool, which wasn't allowed. So not only did he bring in his own five cans of beer, but he decided he didn't want to get in the water so he just walked on top of the bar and drank his beers. Needless to say, he was kindly escorted and asked to never show his face again. What an ass hole.

It is after this that everything became a little hazy. I remember ending the night by going to several bars and awkwardly thrusting my pelvis into male strangers when I walked behind them. I woke up Sunday morning wearing shorts that I didn't wear to bed. Apparently I grabbed a can of shaving cream and started a war in the room. Shortly after this war is when I concussed myself. That next morning I felt like I had been ran over by a bulldozer and ass raped by a freight train. A hangover cannot even begin to describe the pain that was creeping up on me.

But on the ferry ride back to our car I heard one of the greatest phrases ever: Wal-Mart retard. There was some girl on the ferry ride sitting across from us and apparently she looked like she had a mental disability, at least to one of the attendees. I told him that I didn't see what he was talking about and he went on to describe her like this; "You know, one of those Wal-Mart Retards that can function enough to bag your groceries but that's about it." I don't know why, but that was just incredible to me.

I didn't really realize until Sunday night that I probably had a concussion. I couldn't sleep. I was sweating my balls off. I felt like I needed to puke every time I got out of bed. And then I drove through the fucking storm of the century back to Columbus and damn near had a panic attack. But I made it back, and yesterday I decided I better go to the ER just to make sure I wasn't about to die. Four fucking hours later I came away with a piece of paper saying I had a concussion and cervical strain, which is basically whiplash, and a prescription to some Darvocet. Greatest bachelor party ever? Indeed.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Full Moon: Part 2

Last Thursday, I laid the foundation for this epic tale of mooning cars in northwest Ohio.  If you didn't read it yet, you should be ashamed of yourself (click here).  This is going to be long so let's stop wasting time.

I am almost 100% positive that this tale concludes on New Year's Eve 1994 and into 1995 because I'm pretty sure that we bragged about being the first people in the back of a cop car in the new year.  But let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet.  So Rex, Damman, Rune, Buke, and myself plan on staying out at Hoffman's for the evening to play cards, make prank phone calls, play pool, not talk to girls, watch bowl games the next day, and, of course, moon cars.  We all knew that as soon as Hoffman's parents went to bed, we were going out to Ass Intersection.  It didn't need to be spoken, it was just known.  The anticipation was killing us all while we waited for his parents to go to bed.

First things first, I'm fairly certain that this was our only attempt at a "Winter Moon", which is definitely not part of the gay Twilight saga.  Mooning is most definitely not a cold weather sport.  And another problem on this night was that there just aren't a lot of motorists out after midnight on December 31st.  If I remember right, we were out there for 2-3 hours and only saw a handful of cars.  We had modified our mooning methods since there were no beans to hide in and took shelter inside of a small forest (or "woods") just down the road.  It wasn't going to effect us negatively and may have even been funnier since drivers would see kids coming out of the woods with their asses out and then disappearing back inside.  It made us more ghost-like.

Here is the one thing that I forgot to mention last week.  You can't just moon any car.  What if it's a county sheriff driving by or Hoffman's neighbors.  So we mooned based on "feel".  If you saw a car coming and anyone said "I don't have a good feeling about this one", then you "passed on the ass" and waited for the next car.  Fortunately, on that New Year's Eve, we passed on the right car.  Or so it would seem.  A truck came by at one point but we refrained from exposing ourselves to it.  Someone had a bad feeling.  But the driver saw us in the woods anyway.  And I believe that that driver owned the wooded land that we were squatting in.  Mr. Dickmander (real name...seriously) did what any normal person would do when he saw trespassers on his property and he called the police.

About twenty or so minutes later, two pairs of headlights close in on the woods in which we are dicking around and waiting for the next victim of ours.  Since there were two cars, that was automatically going to be a no go for us.  As they crept closer to the tree line, we noticed that both cars were the law.  Oh shit, we're fucked.  The 6 of us immediately go into hiding behind trees and whatnot praying that these fucking pigs just leave.  They did not.  Now we were probably only about 25 yards into the woods so it would not take very long to find us.  They got their spotlights out and started walking toward us.  I panicked.  They were never going to take me alive!  I will never go to the big house!  I'M NOT GOING TO BE SOME GUY'S GIRLFRIEND!

I ran.  I ran my ass off.  I felt like Dr. Richard fucking Kimble!  Dead sprinting through 100-120 more yards of heavily wooded area, it was a miracle that I didn't fall.  Seriously, I could NEVER do that again without falling.  I made it out the back of the woods only to discover that no one followed me.  Shit.  I was a one man gang.  The other guys had stayed in their hiding spots and were going to be easy pickings for the cops.  Fucking pussies.  But fuck that, they were on their own now.  I escaped and now I must live my life like a free man while they get their asses pounded in a maximum-security state pen eventhough they are only 14-15 years old and did nothing wrong.  I decided that I needed to keep moving so I hoofed it back to Hoffman's house.  I look out a window toward the woods and I can see my 5 boys getting harrassed by "the man" and it appeared that Dickmander showed back up for some reason.  They were all getting into the cop cars.  Oh fuck, THEY ARE GOING TO JAIL!  How am I possibly going to explain this?  Or more accurately, how am I going to lie my way out of this one?  The cop cars passed Ass Intersection and pulled into Hoffman's driveway.  Fuck, I'm fuckity fucked.  So I head back down to the basement and act like I've been sleeping the whole time eventhough I'm drenched with sweat, piss, and fear.

I hear the door open upstairs and then the basement door and then the footsteps on the stairs.  It sounds like 100 people are coming down for a big showdown.  Here they come alongside two sheriffs and Hoffman's half-asleep and fully confused parents.  This did not look good at all.  In what will always remain the worst acting of my life (an I am usually proud of my amateur acting skills), I roll over on the couch and say:

"Wh-wh-what's going on"?

It was the most pathetic attempt at lying I've ever made.  Apparently, old man Dickmander thought that we were outside having a snowball fight on his property so that is why he called the police.  That is obviously not true but it's much easier to digest than "we were showing our butts to strangers!"  After I took off through the woods, it took the sheriffs about two minutes to corral everyone else.  They were sitting ducks and also pussies for not running with me.  One of the first questions that the fuzz apparently asked was:

"You boys been drinkin'?  (he points flashlight right in Damman's face)   HOW 'BOUT YOU!!!"

Of course, we hadn't been but I like to think that the cop was smart enough to realize that Damman would be the kind of guy who, in the future, gets drunk and then gets hit by a car while jaywalking.  Well played, cop.  Next up in this amazing story, is the cop's interrogation of the Fucked Five.

Cop:  What are you boys doing out here?
Five:  I don't know.
Cop:  How did you get out here?
Five:  I don't know.
Cop:  Who was that kid that went running through the woods?
Five:  I don't know.

Now obviously I was not there for this, but I'm told that this is EXACTLY how it went down.  Dickmander ended up recognizing Hoffman's dog and Hoffman and eventually they drove everyone back to his house where a future sexy blogger was just trying to get some damn sleep!

So everyone is in the basement but there is still one question that needs to be answered before these cops call it a night:  where is the sixth kid?  I guarantee that it was Buke who did this, but he told the cop that "the kid" was named (I'm changing the name up a bit, just know that he gave me an alias) "Gary Buchanan".  Close to my real name, but not really.  So the cop asks where the Buchanan kid is and I'm quite certain that he's talking about me.  So I did the noble thing and I turned myself in as opposed to triggering a worldwide manhunt for the fugitive snowball-chucking mystery man with the ass of gold.

G$: "That's me."
Cop: "Why did you run?"
G$: "I don't know, I was scared."

This was very true and very stupid and very awesome but it seemed to be an OK excuse for the cop that came with some stupid warning like, in the future, always stop when a policeman asks you to.  Whatever, you fag.  Go back to Mayberry.  If I turn myself in, you aren't really doing your job, are you, asshole?

So they are getting ready to leave without any sort of issues or reprimands.  Basically, they just chauferred 5 of us down the street and back home.  The sheriff does one last pass of the names just to make sure that everything is accurate.  "Brian Barlow", he says.  Since I was not there, I have no idea who the hell this is supposed to be until I realize that Buke fake-named the cops.  I have a feeling that Hoffman's mom shot him a look and he fessed up as well.  This did not sit well with the cops considering that they had already been fake-named earlier.

"I OUGHT TO ARREST YOU FOR FALSE IDENTIFICATION!!!", the pig screamed at Buke.  In hindsight, this was tantrum was absolutely hilarious.  But in the end, they just left.

It was pretty damn late anyway.  Hoffman's parents didn't really care at all since no one really knew for sure what we were doing out there.  We just stuck to the snowball story.  The night was over and, in essence, our career as professional mooners was over, too.  But if I learned one thing from Young Guns II, it's that if you want to go out, go out big.  And I think that that was the way to go.  A couple good moons, the cops showing up, a guy named Dickmander, a fugitive fleeing on foot, tons of lies to the authority, fake names, and then a full day of bowl games the next day.

In conclusion, these two posts have inspired me greatly.  I'm back to mooning on a nightly basis now.  Just ask She$ and the dog.  It feels good to have my ass on display again.  It's been too long.

Friday, June 25, 2010

The 2010 NBA Draft Live Journal


Hello.  G$ here coming to you LIVE from the Money Mansion.  Well, not really.  But we will press on nonetheless.  Tonight is one of my favorite nights of the year...the NBA Draft.  Sure, it's not as much fun as the NFL Draft but it's quick, usually entertaining, and full of dozens of made-up Jay Bilas terms!  So sit back and enjoy the largest collection of black people gathered into one room since the Source Awards!!!  If you couldn't tell, expect lots and lots of casually racist posts tonight.

7:30 - The Wizards are officially on the clock yet stupid ESPN is at commercial.  We're off to a great start already.  By the way, the dog has been walked, the wife is at work still, and my dinner of two slices of pizza and a MANWICH (best food ever) has been consumed.  I am ready to dominate this post.
7:32 - The most important Jew in basketball welcomes us to the Draft.  Thanks, David.  You are a smug asshole.  Stern just pulled off a Hogan "cupping his hand behind his ear" move.  Love it!
7:34 - By the way, after reading mock drafts this week, this year's class is fucking awful.  I would not be shocked if there were no all-stars out of this crop.   And in case you were wondering, the Bulls kicking Hinrich out the door to be able to afford two max free agents scares the shit out of me.
7:37 - The first thing that John Wall should buy before heading to DC is a kevlar vest.  Gilbert Arenas jokes!
7:38 - Jay Bilas has said "tremendous" at least 5 times so far.  Get that fuck a thesaurus. Make that 6.
7:40 - Mark Jones is wearing an earring.  Way to look professional.
7:42 - YES!  Everyone wants to hear what Wall's mother has to say.  She's crying.  Time to move on up to the east side!
7:44 - Evan Turner is going to Philly.  Wow.  Move over Richard Jefferson, the NBA has a new Uncle Tom.  Could he be any less black?  Bilas just described ET as a "basketball player".  I'm glad you showed up tonight, Jay.  It also appears that Evan is whining that Stern fouled him during their handshake.  Some things never change.  And they just showed a highlight of him getting picked clean by Zack Novak.  This will be the closest that Novak ever gets to the NBA.

7:49 - The Nets take Derrick Favors.  Awful.  This kid is going to be terrible.  Mark my words.  In the biggest game of his season, I watched him get his shit stuffed by Dallas fucking Lauderdale.  Enjoy New Jersey, Kwame Brown Junior.
7:53 - Van Gundy just said that Avery Johnson has proven to be an outstanding coach.  Ummm, mind if I see that proof?
7:54 - The Wolves take Wesley Johnson.  This will be the last time that you ever hear about Wesley Johnson.  Stu-yah is fixated on Johnson's trousers.  Shut up, One Eye.
7:56 - The puppy won't stop barking.  Those damn dune-coons must be walking around.  If the Kings don't take Cousins here, they should be contracted.  He's MUCH better than the last two guys taken.
8:00 - The Kings take Cousins.  Smart pick.  He's going to be a beast as long as he doesn't go on a shooting spree or something.  Damn, with Evans and Cousins, that's quite a solid foundation for Sacramento.  Bilas complimented DeMarcus on his "second jump". 

8:04 - I'm surprised Calipari showed up.  Shouldn't he be trying to convince boosters to pay off players?  Cousins may be a snappy dresser, but he is the clubhouse leader when it comes to worst speaker.
8:06 - Now we get into the crappy players.  Ten bucks says that Golden State does something stupid.  Will they take Tyson Alualu?  No, they take Ekpe Udoh instead.  Udoh would not be a lottery pick in any other draft.  Looks like the Pistons are taking Monroe now.
8:08 - You know, no one thinks that Dumars is a terrible GM more than I do.  But now that I think about it, he almost always drafts well.  He really does.  But when you give him cap room and ask him to attack free agency, that's when he is at his worst.
8:09 - Udoh apparently wore #13 because his middle name means Friday.  What a fag.  I'm shocked that he speaks good english though.
8:12 - The Pistons take Greg Monroe.  Obvious and solid pick there.  They went all last season without any post presence at all so he will probably start right away.  You've got to love a guy that got OWNED by Ohio U!

8:18 - The Clippers take Al-Farouq Aminu.  David Stern saying his name was funny.  Aminu looks like a cross between Dwight Howard, Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern show, and Urkel.  Did I do that???  Personally, I would have taken Farooq and the Nation of Domination with that pick.
8:21 - Who will be the first weirdo foreign guy sitting in the crowd to get drafted in the second round?  That always kills me!
8:22 - Hello, Ric Bucher!  That was great when Kobe wiped his snot on Ric's hair.
8:24 - The Jazz take Gordon Hayward.  He'll fit in perfectly there.  Seriously.  I believe that.  He's going to be fine.  But I am worried about Larry Bird.  He wanted that white kid.  Now he's going to have to take his Klan mask off to make the next pick.
8:27 - Oh God, Jay just compared Hayward to Luke Jackson.  Jackson was the worst draft pick that the Cavs ever made and that is saying A LOT.  Gordon's twin sister is a fucking nerd.
8:29 - Please, Larry, draft Cole Aldrich.  You need more white guys that won't make a difference.  Remember when the Pacers were good?

8:31 - The Pacers take Paul George.  I have never heard of this guy.  He plays the same position as Danny Granger.  Nice pick, Larry.  Holy shit, this is going to be a long night.  There are still 20 more picks and they are already taking guys that I don't know.
8:34 - Stu-yah says that there is still talent left to be picked.  I disagree.
8:36 - Commercial for Eminem's new album...do people still listen to him?  His schtick feels like it's old by now.
8:38 - The Hornets take Cole Aldrich.  Chris Paul has to be pissed.  Nevermind.  Aldrich and Mo-Pete to OKC for two picks.  Whatever.  If Aldrich thinks that he can steal minutes from my boy, Byron Mullens, he's got another thing coming!
8:44 - The Grizzlies take Xavier Henry.  Nice pick for them and pretty much guarantees that Rudy Gay is going to the Knicks. His brother was drafted by the Yankees?  I like it.

8:46 - Is Heather Cox bangable?  I mean, I know she's not hot but would you hammer it?  I would pound Doris Burke for sure.  Just for the story...
8:48 - Who the fuck is Tom Penn and why does ESPN feel they need a salary cap expert on draft night???
8:50 - The Raptors take Ed Davis.  I'm about ready to pass out from sheer boredom.  Who needs Chris Bosh when you can add an Ed Davis?
8:57 - Yao Ming update!  Jesus, we're not even halfway through and I'm dying over here.  The Rockets take Patrick Patteron.  It seems like Houston always makes good personnel moves.  Bilas says that PP is "an absolute MAN".
8:59 - No big surprises yet...COME ON, NBA!

9:02 - The Bucks just took Garry Shandling.  He is compared to Theo Ratliff.  Yeah, that's who you want on your team.  Jesus Christ.  Someone draft a foreigner so Fran Fraschilla can earn his paycheck tonight.
9:05 - The Wolves take Luke Babbitt.  Look at that, another guy that I've never heard of before.  The crowd at the Garden literally has ZERO reaction for this guy.  Guys named Luke are terrible.  Move over, DeMarcus, because Babbitt is the worst speaker ever.  He's going to Portland anyway.
9:10 - Eventhough this pick is going to Washington, Jon Barry doesn't seem to understand that.  He thinks that the Bulls should take James Anderson eventhough this isn't their pick.  The Bulls take KEVIN SERAPHIN for the Wiz!  A French big man?  Oh, I'm sure that he'll be a force in the league for years to come.  Stu-yah just said that he has "tremendous upside potential".  Fuck you, Stu.
9:13 - Seraphin's dad looks exactly like Forrest Whittaker.  That made me laugh.  He just Mike Utley'd the camera.  That also made me laugh.
9:14 - Nice lie, Kevin Durant.  Aldrich is not a game changer.  At best he's Eric Montross.

9:16 - The Hornets via OKC take Eric Bledsoe.  Oh thank God.  I did not want this kid to end up in Boston.  You know, with CP3, Collison, Marcus Thornton, and now Bledsoe, the NOLA has a sick backcourt.  The Celtics are going to draft Jordan Crawford here, I'm guessing and it will be a great choice.
9:21 - Barry thinks that Kevin Garnett is on the down side of his career.  Thanks for that juicy nugget, douche.
9:22 - The Celtics take Avery Bradley.  Way to draft a guy at the only position in which you aren't old and decrepit, Danny Ainge.  I really do think that this is the worst draft ever.
9:28 - The Spurs take James Anderson.  That's a solid pick.  Mr. Ace is still a fag.  Oooh, Bledsoe to the Clips.  Good deal for them.

9:30 - The Hornets via OKC again take Craig Brackens.  Apparently, he's an avid skateboarder.  I already hate this large black man.  Wait a minute, does OKC or NOLA get the Clips future first rounder for Bledsoe?  Because that could be a top 5 pick.  9 more picks...I can do this!
9:34 - STOP SHOWING PREVIEWS FOR THAT SHITTY NEW TOM CRUISE MOVIE!!!
9:36 - The Blazers take Greg Oden's penis...or Elliot Williams from Memphis.  Speaking of, did anyone watch Memphis Beat on TNT this week?  Eh, it doesn't look very good and whoever thought that the virgin dorky kid from Road Trip could pass as a cop should be killed.
9:39 - The Timberwolves are picking again?  Jesus, these guys must really suck.  They take Trevor Booker.  He played for Oliver Purnell so you KNOW he's good.
9:43 - I wish that the Cavs had at least one pick tonight.  I enjoyed the last two drafts rooting for them to not take KoKo or Byron.

9:45 - The Hawks take Damion James.  I'd rather be masturbating right now.  Minnesota just added another pick in this draft...I hate the T-Wolves.
9:50 - The Grizzlies take a bar of soap for Marc Gasol or some Jones fella from USF.  He's a better player than he is an athlete says Bilas.  Personally, I would rather have a team full of good players than a team full of good athletes.  But what do I know?  Everything.  I know everything.
9:53 - Charles Barkley and Taco Bell are a perfect match.
9:55 - The Thunder take Quincy Pondexter and I'm running on fumes.  Somebody draft Tim Tebow!
9:58 - Pondexter is apparently a ballerina.  I'm sure Oklahomans are going to embrace this homo.

10:00 - Why aren't any good teams drafting tonight anyway?  Every time Stern goes to the podium, it's for terrible teams picking meaningless players.  Needs more Kosta Koufos.  The Nets take Jordan Crawford but he's going to the Hawks.  Jordan and Jamal Crawford together, huh?  Are they related?  Both are ballhogs and black!  Bilas says that Crawford is good at putting it in the basket.  Delightful.
10:05 - God dammit, the Grizzlies are up again.  This is getting ridiculous.  The Knicks are apparently hosting a dinner party for LeBron on July 1st.  The entertainment for the evening will be Isiah Thomas playing the game "See How Many Pills I Can Swallow".  I'm terrified that the Bulls are going to snag LeBron.  I am not worried at all about the Knicks.
10:08 - OHHH, this is the pick that Memphis got for Pau Gasol.  That worked out very well for them.  They take Gravy Vasquez.  I love this guy as a player but someone get him a tube of ProActiv.  His pizza-face is fucking disgusting.  And yeah, Gravy was the first guy to come from the crowd to the podium.  It wasn't as funny as I hoped it would be.  Grizz are making some good picks tonight.
10:10 - TWO more picks and I'm done.  I wonder if Orlando can draft Vince Carter a pair of balls?
10:12 - The Magic take Daniel Orton.  When you can get a guy that averaged 3 points and 3 boards in college, you should always take him.  I hope he's got a strong jaw because his only job for the next three years is to eat Dwight Howard's elbows in practice.
10:14 - This last pick should have been the Cavs had they not traded for Jamison.  Considering that the two best players on the board are Alabi and Whiteside, I would say that that was a good deal.  Maybe the Wiz will take Christian Eyenga with this pick.

10:16 - Does anyone find Seth Meyers funny?  He's awful.  That being said, he is perfect for hosting a pointless show like the ESPYs.
10:18 - The Wizards send me home by taking Lazar Hayward from Marquette.  Eat shit.  Bilas says that he has good catch-and-shootability.  Thanks for that shitty term, Jay.

Duuuuuuude, this was painful.  I apologize if it sucked but I meant well.  The NBA Draft is usually fun, dammit.  I'll be back on fucking Monday with part 2 of Full Moon.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Full Moon: Part 1


I promised a story today and, by God, you're getting it. It's one of the few tales from my past that I've yet to tell but I think that you will be pleased with the results. Hell, I had to break it up into two parts just to save you all the massive amount of time that it would take to read it all at once. By the way, Part 2 will air on Monday. So let's get started with today's portion which is all background and build-up.

Growing up in relatively rural northwest Ohio, there isn't really that much to do when you are between the ages of 13 and 15. We were too young to drink heavily and too old for baby rape (you paying attention...good). So you have to make due. For me and my friends, hanging out and doing childish shit seemed to pass the time quite nicely. Making prank phone calls was enjoyable. Nothing beat scanning the classifieds, finding someone selling a lawnmower or something, and then calling that person with questions about the mower at 4 AM. It was gold. But that wasn't the only immature shit that we did.

One night, 4 or 5 of us were staying out at (late night commenter) Hoffman's house. I don't know who came up with the idea, but we decided to cause some late night, country-fried mischief. You see, Hoffman lived on a farm out in the sticks. The corner of 19 and U to be exact. So the idea that we concocted was that we would sneak out of the house, walk a bit down the road, and moon cars passing by.

Have you ever mooned a car? It is fucking awesome. I wish that I still took part in behavior like this. I moon the wife when she won't get off the couch but it's just not the same. Showing your ass to a complete stranger while they're driving 60 mph is quite the rush. When you throw in 4-6 friends doing the same thing, it makes it even better. A handful of presented pre-teen ass...talk about a pedophile's dream. It's totally not gay at all so don't even try to go there, you perverts.

So we decide that mooning motorists was going to be our entertainment for the night. We also dubbed the crossing of 19 and U, "Ass Intersection" because you could get drivers traveling on either road and because we are geniuses. Now, the key to a good group moon is that EVERYONE has to sell out. You can't have anyone (pardon the pun) half-ass it. That means that at the time when everyone decides to drop, you keep it dropped until the car passes, honks the horn, or screams an obscenity at you. No quick flashes. You have to own the moon, dammit.

I ended up being sort of the de facto leader of the group. It required no leading at all but I usually was the one that yelled out the command for everyone to present their ass. I had a good knack for knowing exactly when to moon. You didn't want to do it too early because you don't want the car to stop because what the fuck are you supposed to do then? That would be very, very bad. And you don't want to do it late obviously either. Oh, silly me, you are probably wondering what the command was? I would yell in an annoying voice:

"I THINK I DROPPED SOMETHING!!!"

And then the 6 full moons would appear out of seemingly nowhere to the unsuspecting driver.

Close your eyes for a second, open them, and read this carefully. What would your reaction be if you were driving at night (possibly drunk) and saw six asses in the bean field to your right? You would laugh your ass off and hopefully get into a car wreck, no? It was a victimless and hilarious crime.

The reactions were usually mundane and non-descript. It helped that as soon as the car would pass, we would all drop to the ground where we covered by a foot-high field of beans (which I would NEVER do now because all sorts of weird rodents are hanging out in fields). We were a bunch of ass-baring ghosts, one might say. It was the perfect prank. Except for the time that the car stopped, the driver was not about to go looking for us in the field though, so he just decided to scream, "I'm gonna rape your mom!". That might be the best comeback ever.

Over the next year or so, we spent a few nights heading back out to Ass Intersection and always having an enjoyable time of it. But like the narrator of Vh1's Behind The Music's would say, "the good times were about to change". It all got too real on one New Year's Eve. And it was the last time that I've ever professionally "group-mooned". And I believe that goes for everyone else, too (Damman, Hoffman, Hottest Bartender in Columbus, Rune, and Rex). It was the end of an era.

But that portion of the story will be coming on Monday. And believe me, it is a solid story from start to finish. What an ass-tease I am!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Forbes Knows Nothing About Hate


Anyone remember when Steve Forbes hosted Saturday Night Live? He was easily one of the worst hosts ever (no one will ever beat Wayne Gretzky). I believe that he is the creator of Forbes Magazine. I might be wrong though. Hell, I just wanted to incorporate Teve Torbes into this post without mentioning Lamar Alexander #2.

Anyway, Forbes launched their list of the top ten most disliked sports figures of 2010. There were some easy choices for this, but I find their list lacking. They missed out on some truly awful people associated with sports. Their list:

10. Gilbert Arenas - I can see it. Not only is his contract ridiculous, but he likes to threaten to kill his teammates.
9. Allen Iverson - I don't get this unless it's blowback for his horrible 30 For 30 documentary. AI is completely irrelevant and has been for three years now.
8. A-Rod - Makes sense although that whole steroids thing has pretty much been pushed aside by the masses.
7. T.O. - Really? He isn't THAT bad. He doesn't break the law and refrained from killing Dick Jauron last year. Maybe that's why he's hated though.
6. Mark McGwire - Huh? People still care about this ginger?
5. Jerry Jones - Five seems about right for Satan's Son.
4. Tiger Woods - Yeah, people probably don't like cheating on your spouse thousands of time.
3. Ben Roethlisberger - Rape accusations never go over well.
2. Al Davis - Who hates Al Davis? The only people that should are Raiders fans and they love him!
1. Michael Vick - Let this be a lesson, NEVER kill animals. Most have forgiven Ray Lewis for killing a person, but if it was a shih tsu, he would be dead right now.

With the exception of Jerry, none of these guys would even sniff my list. My list is waaaay more accurate than what Forbes concocted. Suck my hate-filled cock, Teve. Oh, you want to know who I would rank in my top ten of most disliked sports figures of 2010? Sure thing.

10. Urban Meyer - There is really nothing to like about this asshole. He quits to spend time with his family, spent a week with them, and that apparently cured his ailing heart. And he looks like a walking penis. And he cries when thinking about his QB.
9. Luke Walton - Did you know that Luke has the same number of championship rings as his father? That is NOT right. And for some reason, hot women love him. There is nothing to like about this guy.
8. Albert Haynesworth - I did this last week. I'm not getting into it again. By the way, Albert paralyzed a guy in a car accident yet has given him nothing in return. What a stand up guy! He always stands up for the guys that he causes to sit down forever.
7. Colts Fans - They really came on strong this past year as one of the most objectionable fanbases in all of sports.
6. Jon Diebler - Ratface (dude, he looks like he could be Coach K's son, doesn't he?) can only shoot threes and does nothing else well. Yet anOSU fans will try to convince you that he's a good player. He is not...and I hate white basketball players. Reverse racism at it's finest.
5. Tony Romo - Faggot. I've heard rumors through unnamed sources that he used to toss Flozell Adams' salad on Thursday evenings. OK, I just made that up but the point is, you wanted to believe it.
4. Jerry Jones - What an asshole. He's won one playoff game in 15 years. That makes me happy.
3. Terrelle Pryor - Jail or a wheelchair...I don't care which one he ends up in, but the sooner the better. Actually, being a quad in jail would be nice. And he still can't throw despite what you homos are going to say.
2. Phil Mickelson - DURRRRR, LOOGIT ME! DURRR, I'M GONNA TRY TO DRIVE THIS PAR FIVE DURRRR! AND WHEN I FAIL MISERABLY, I WILL HIT A BIG DRAW FROM THREE FAIRWAYS OVER AND MY STUPID FANS WILL LUV ME!!! I have never seen a luckier athlete in my life. Shut your mouth, it's 90 fucking percent luck with his shit-shot-saves. Phil is fucking retarded.
1. Jonathon Papelbon - We all agree on this. Let there be no doubt. Just look at the picture.

I should say this before I go since I'm talking about people that I hate. I actually don't mind Curt Schilling now that he's an analyst on ESPN. He isn't THAT bad. Now, it could be because I only listen to him when he's with Cowherd and Colin could make anyone sound good. But still. I don't hate the guy as much anymore.

OK, now that we got through this, I've got a HUGE lineup of posts coming up. Tomorrow, we start part ONE of a TWO part story that I've yet to tell which you will surely enjoy. And on Friday, expect my running diary of the always entertaining NBA Draft! It's gonna be the shit! Or just shit! Eat my shit!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

My U.S. Soccer Team: NFL Style

(USA! USA! USA!)

As you all know, and I'm sure are still in deep mourning about, the USA soccer team got butt fucked by some rogue ref who hates America. Because we are fucking awesome. Actually, I didn't really care because when you go down 2-0 against Slovenia, FUCKING SLOVENIA, you don't deserve to participate in the World Cup any further.

I know you guys can't wait to hear my opinion on the match on the ol' pitch tomorrow between the Yanks and Algers, but I really don't care anymore. Lucky for you, this post actually has nothing to do with the USA soccer team. Well, almost nothing. It is no secret why the USA soccer team cannot compete at the top level during the World Cup. Talent. When Brazil has 200 million people dying to play soccer it is easy to see how they have become the greatest soccer playing nation ever. When the US has 300 million people and 95% of them don't give two shits about soccer it is easy to see why we aren't Brazil. But what if that were different?

When you look at the national teams for every other county in the world they feature the best athletes that country has to offer. Sure, some might go play basketball or cricket or whatever the fuck else they do in foreign countries, but for the most part you are looking at the cream of the crop. The US team...not so much. Athletes in the US get pulled in every possible direction before they even consider soccer. Kids don't go out to the soccer field by themselves and say they want to be like Cobi Jones, unless they are gay. It's always Jordan or Magic Johnson or Barry Sanders or Tom Brady or Albert Pujols or Michael Phelps--just kidding, swimming is for homo's too.

Imagine if the US actually trotted out the best athletes this country has to offer on our World Cup team. Holy fuck, we would destroy everyone. They would have to make a special tournament where every continent put together a team to take on the US. And we would still destroy all of them. Hell, just give me the NFL players and we would still dominate the world.

The U.S. is running a 4-4-2 for the most part. But fuck that, I need some offense. I'm going with the 3-4-3. Which means three forwards, four midfielders, and three defenders. I'm about to put together the greatest soccer team ever assembled.

Forwards:
Chris Johnson. The fastest man in all of football. I don't think you will find a better fit. The guy can blaze, and he outweighs an average forward by 30 lbs. Pele ain't got nothin' on CJ.

DeSean Jackson. The other fastest man in football. I can't imagine D-Jax ever playing any defense so it is probably best to keep him on the other side of the field. If he can stop himself from celebrating before the goal is actually scored that would be a plus, but we would be winning by 20 every match anyways.

Andre Johnson. He's got the size to play anywhere and will tower over the rest of the other countries midget people.

Midfielders:
Larry Fitzgerald. Big, physical, fast, and awesome. Easy pick.

Darrelle Revis. We need at least on defensive player out front, so it might as well be the best in the league. If this were just two years ago it would have been my boy, Brian Dawkins. Actually, the whole team would have been Brian Dawkins.

Wes Welker. Of all the current NFL players, this is the one guy who loks like he should be playing in the World Cup.

Adrian Peterson. How fucking awesome would this be? I am excited and I know it will never happen. Can you imagine one of those pussy Euro's stepping in front of this freight train? That fucker would just be a pile of ash. Dammit, I need this to happen.

Defenders:
Brandon Graham. I know, Michigan bias blah blah blah. Fuck off. Graham is the perfect fit. He is fast enough to keep pace and large enough to remove someone's arms with minimal effort. Plus, I really want to see this happen without pads.

Jared Gaither. Can you imagine a 6'9" 340 lbs. man on a soccer field? No opposing player would want to cross midfield, let alone get near the box.

Brandon Marshall. He's the best WR in the NFL, you have to fit him in somewhere.

Goalie:
Marques Colston. I thought a lot about this one. He has an enormous wingspan. He's enough of an athlete to be the best WR on the Saints(other than Lance Moore). And he has some of the best hands in the NFL. Perfect goalie material.

GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLL! This team could not be beat. Ever. Other countries better pray that the U.S. never begins to take soccer seriously because we will dominate the world if we actually want to.

Can you come up with a better team? Of course you can't. But feel free to try.

I Hate This Man

The worst NFL analyst ever has a son. His son is offering even more proof that said analyst is just as terrible of a father as he is an analyst. Both he and his son are now former Fuckeyes. Both of them should have been swallowed. Fuck you Cris Carter, and your son too.

RIP Jamel Berry...eventually.

Monday, June 21, 2010

I Owe You An Apology


We will get to the apology portion of this at the end. But first, I imagine that you all would like to know my thoughts on my first visit to new Yankee Stadium last week. Right? A stud blogger heading to New York is bound to be interesting!

OK, so you all had your laughs and digs surrounding my traveling partners being my family and Damman. HAHAHAHA ZOMG HE GOT TO BRING A FRIEND! Now that we have that out of our system, let's do this.

One of the first things I remember when we started walking around The Bronx on Wednesday afternoon was Damman commenting on how he expected the neighborhood to be more dangerous or dirty or something. It really isn't that bad of an area. I'm sure it used to be much worse but it's fine now. Yeah, people are a little more "brown" there than they are in central Ohio, but they aren't all trying to steal your wallet or brandishing switchblades.

Now obviously, everything costs a shitload more in the NYC than it does anywhere else. Case in point being bottles of Bud Light being $6 in the bars outside and $9 inside the stadium. But you learn to live with it because if you are going to watch a baseball game, you better be drinking. There was a bar oustide that had a pregame special of $3 20 ounce cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Delicious. That sound you just heard was Dut's dad planning a trip to Yankee Stadium while combing his mustache.

So we go in early on Wednesday night to tour the museum that they have inside. It was pretty damn cool even if you don't like the Yankees. LOTS of history in that room. They had a handful of the World Series trophies there, actual lockers from the 70's and today, and autographed balls from like every Yankee to ever wear the pinstripes. They were all along this long wall in no particular order. I found it odd that Ian Kennedy's autograph was on the top level while the ball underneath it---autographed by Babe fucking Ruth! Kennedy got top billing over the Babe. Hilarious. Ridiculous.

The food was just as ridiculously priced as the beers. A cheesesteak costs $11. Seriously. Although I did find a good deal with the footlong Nathan's hot dog with kraut, grilled onions, and mustard for $6.75. Did one of those beauties each night. Outstanding. And yes, dipshit Damman did put ketchup on his hot dog. What an asshole. They also have these garlic fries there...holy shit. It's like texas toast and fries finally got together to make one awesomely heart-clogging treat.

Thursday, we went to a sporting goods store in Jersey (we stayed there) before heading into the city. They had a full rack of Brett Favre Jets t-shirt jerseys for $5. I should have bought one. It could have been the booby prize for whoever finishes last in the G$FL. So we parked outside the stadium and took the subway (surprisingly clean!) into Times Square for a few hours. We were going to go to the ESPNZone to watch some day baseball but that place is now closed. And it's unfortunate because I had a great plan to write "ALBOM AND LUPICA FUCK LITTLE BOYS" on a bathroom stall door. It was going to be glorious. And I planned on taking a pic and posting the evidence here for you all to admire. But I had to stick my well-laid plans up my well-laid ass.

That night, we sat in the bleachers which is about as New York of an experience that you can get. And when you throw in pockets of proud Philly fans, it was ripe with loudmouth and obscene behavior. You see, NY is much different than the midwest where baseball fans are mindful of the children sitting near them. That is not an issue in the bleachers. Kids grow up fast out there. So many f-bombs. Sooooooo many f-bombs. Lots of near fights between the two fanbases. The games themselves were sort of dull as the Yankees only had 7 or 8 hits in the two games combined. But whatever. You go to MLB games for the experience. If you are worried about one game in a 162 game season then you need a fucking life. You should always have a good time no matter what happens on the field. Just look at Cubs fans. Getting drunk is the most important aspect of Major League Baseball.

And now for my apology. One of the many cool things about Yankee games is that there are always a handful of celebrities mixed into the crowds. On Thursday night, Brandon Jacobs and Patrick Chewing (who I swear was sitting two seats down from Mike Brown) were in the front row. Ewing was not sweating his ass off though so I am not sure that it was him. Wednesday night, Simon and Garfunkel were in the house and that was pretty cool. Did you know that Art Garfunkel is like the best free throw shooter in the world? It's true. But I'm sorry. I was in the same building Wednesday night as Omarosa and Kathy Griffin and I did not kill them. I could have rid the world of these two troglo-dykes yet I left my sniper rifle at home. I am ashamed of myself. I fucking hate Kathy Griffin. She is less funny than Uncle T tossing Ace's salad. She is a horrible "comic".

So of course I recommend that all of you make a trip to Yankee Stadium at some point in your lives. It is much different than what most of you are used to seeing. The fans are into it. And not fake into it. INTO IT. They berate opposing fans. They stand and cheer when the oppising hitter has two strikes on him. They HATED Shane Victorino. It's something that you have to see for yourselves. Just don't forget your gun. You never know when you might get the chance to kill Kathy Griffin.

Friday, June 18, 2010

How the Big 10(12) and PAC 10(12) Should Be Divided

(SFW? Who cares! Tommy Lee definitely banged them.)

Well, it looks like all of the big moves are done for the year in the conference realignment. The Big 12(10) magically made money appear from thin air and showered it all over the Longhorns to keep them from going west, or north. I expect more realignment to come next summer. So with an eye towards the future, how should the conferences break themselves into divisions?

The Big Ten commish already stated that the divisions would be formed by; 1. Competitive balance, 2. Retaining Important Rivalries, and 3. Geography. Jim Delany obviously doesn't give a shit if Nebraska has to fly all the way to Happy Valley so neither do I. Here is my proposal:

Division A:
Michigan
Sparty
Fuckeyes
Purdue
Indiana
Northwestern

Division B:
Nebraska
Minnesota
Wisconsin
Iowa
Illinois
Penn State

I don't think there is any other way to get more balanced divisions and maintain the important rivalries. I don't think you can keep PSU, M, and Fuckeyes in the same division and you certainly can't separate M and Fuckeyes, so there you have it. PSU has a little more travel, but teams also have to travel a little longer to play them.

Also, I suspect Notre Dame to come to the Big Ten in the next three years so you have to consider their addition to Division B and an addition of an east coast-ish team to Division A when making out the current divisions. Division B has the potential to be a buzzsaw, but you can't throw ND in with the other two big dogs.

Now what the hell they call these divisions is a whole different problems. Land and Lake? That's seriously the best I've got and it's fucking lame. There has to be something better.

The PAC 10 is a little easier, and doesn't really matter. How pissed are you as a PAC 10 fan that just last week you thought you were landing Texas, TAMU, Oklahoma, OK State, Texas Tech, and Colorado and now you end up with Utah--a nice pick up but not a big splash--and Colorado--Denver television market but irrelevant athletically. I'll take Nebraska, thank you. Breakdown:

South Division:
Arizona State
Arizona
USC
UCLA
California
Stanford

North Division:
Utah
Colorado
Washington
Washington State
Oregon
Oregon State

Pretty damn simple. I have seen a couple reports where Colorado and Utah are swapped with Cal and Stanford, but I don't like the idea of breaking up the Cali teams.

...It's Friday, that's all I got. What would you change?

The Lakers Are Your 2010 NBA Champions


...I think I'll wet my pants.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Husband Knows Dick...I'm a Husband

(I'll be there before you know it)

Well, as you all know by now, I took the plunge into married life just over a week ago. This was the gay little mini-marriage I had to do so that I could have a wedding ceremony in the church. Whatever, all this really means is that I get to wear a ring and jump on Mrs. Ace's insurance two months early. And two of my favorite things are unnecessary jewelry and $20 c0-pay rectal exams--Winner=ME.

But there are a few things that I have learned in the whole 11 days I have been married. First, Mrs. Ace seems to like me more right now. I don't know what to make of this. For example, I have an unhealthy obsession with my aquarium which she reminds me of constantly. If my Yellow Tang had a vagina I would totally try to procreate with it. But I was forced to drop $120 on a new lighting system because my other one burnt out. A couple days later I had to go buy new bulbs for it and ended up coming home not only with bulbs, but with $60 worth of corals. She didn't even care. If I would have done that a month ago she would have taken a sledge hammer to the tank and made me cook the inhabitants for dinner. Either she is plotting on me, the chemicals I had placed in the engagement ring are finally kicking in, or she knows she is going to hate me for the rest of our lives so she is just trying to positive while she can. Christ, lets hope it's the chemicals.

However, there is one thing that I absolutely cannot do, no matter how much Mrs. Ace is pretending to like me. I cannot use kitchen towels for anything other than dishes. In Mrs. Ace's kitchen if you dare let those towels touch anything other than soapy water, it's your ass. Trying to clean up grease on the stove? It's your ass. Cleaning up spilled booze on the counter? It's your ass. If there is so much as a fucking hint of stain on those towels she will hobble your ass like in Misery.

What the hell is up with that? Why do women pick the most random thing to be so defensive of? It's a fucking three dollar towel, treat it like that. If I want to use it to clean the bacon grease off the Foreman or clean the drip pan on the grill, I will because I'm a man, dammit. No sissy rag is going to stop me from doing what I have to do. It's not like I crust it up with baby batter like Daniel does at his place. I just want to clean shit. That's all.

You know what else I've learned? You don't use a knife in a pan because it scratches the pan. Because a scratch in the pan makes it cook different, right? Of course not. The pan could look like Edward Scissor Hands was making the dish and the shit would still come out delicious, especially if I am captaining the stove at the time. Why the hell does this matter? It's not hanging on the fucking wall. We never have company over but if we did the first thing I would show them certainly wouldn't be my collection of T-Fal.

Another thing that I've realized is that I need to pre-screen the mail before I bring it in the house. If it's not a bill or a wedding invitation(why the fuck is everybody getting married this summer?) then it absolutely cannot come into the house. If it does it is destined to sit on my kitchen table for all eternity. I have never seen anybody hoard mail like Mrs. Ace. Goddammit, it's a check stub from six months ago, please let me throw it in the trash where it belongs. Anybody want an Oriental Trading coupon from 2007? You bet your sweet ass we have it. Want to know what Giant Eagle had on sale in October? Got it. My wife is goddamn mail addict and I don't know if she can kick the habit! Why couldn't she just smoke meth?

Now don't get me wrong, I know I have it good--She's actually cool with us going to Vegas for our honeymoon. No better time to show her my gambling problem, right?-- I mean, I'm complaining about my wife(damn, that's weird) liking clean towels for fuck's sake. It's not like she is driving me to take family vacations as a grown man without her--with a friend. But I'm sure you readers have a lady in your life other than your mother and Betty the blow-up that does things that just puzzle you. Consider this your opportunity to vent in the comments and get sound relationship advice from Uncle Ace. You're welcome.

So Sparty is Still Legit...


Fuck you, Tom Izzo. I have never been so excited about anything in the history of Sparty sports as I was to see Izzo walk out the door. Why did you have to lead me on? Two fucking weeks to say "No thanks." Unacceptable. I mean, you couldn't really expect Lebron to give a definite answer about his future, right? Why can't you just get the fuck out of my college basketball life?

I've said this before, but let me say it again; Tom Izzo gets more out of his players than any other coach in the country--and it pisses me off.

Look at these recruiting rankings over the years:
2010: Looks like a Top Ten class coming in.
2009: Outside Top 25
2008: #22
2007: #14
2006: #18
2005: Outside Top 25
2004: #11
2003: #13

Tom Izzo has maintained one of the best programs in the country without ever having a recruiting class ranked in the single digits. That's impressive.

So thank you, Tom Izzo, for ruining my college basketball seasons for another decade. Dick.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

LeBron Might Not Be Going, But I Am


Hey peckerheads, I'm done for the week. Catholics have church, fat people have Wisconsin, stupid people have the Horseshoe, Scientologists have Blargon 7 or wherever the fuck they kill brain cells, and G$ has Yankee Stadium as his place of worship. And I'm currently en route to the Bronx as you probably read this. We're leaving at 5:45 AM so I better be.

I'm bringing Damman along to sample what great baseball looks like for the next two days. As an Indians fan, he will probably be very confused. It is my first trip to the new cathedral and I'm absolutely jacked to spend $9 on a can of PBR in the bleachers and eating a big ass plate of pastrami at the Yankee Tavern as well.

Like I said, we're going to be at the Phillies/Yankees World Series rematch tonight and tomorrow. With Jamie Moyer, Joe Blanton, and AJ Burnett scheduled to pitch, I expect to catch a home run in the outfield. Don't assume that there will be many stories though as we're driving to the NYC with my parents, sister, and uncle. That isn't really a murderer's row for drunken debauchery in the Big Apple. But nevertheless, it should be fun.

Ace is running the show Thursday and Friday for me and I won't have access to make sure you all play nice so behave yourselves. Uncle Ace is a gentle raper. Oh, and yes, we are driving through the night after Thursday's game so that I can be back at work on Friday morning. Why is that? My twat boss took Friday off for the fucking soccer game and I was forced to make it back. Fuck that shit. And fuck Tom Izzo (not really, but saying no right away would have been nice). I can't to hear Enter Sandman as Mariano comes running in from the bullpen. GO YANKEES!!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dear Albert Haynesworth


Dear Fat Albert,

I couldn't help but notice that you have been absent from every single team function this offseason. I'm having a hard time grasping why this is the case. I'm sure that you have your reasons and I am also sure that those reasons are stupid. I mean, the team just brought in a Hall of Fame coach who brings with him one of the better defensive minds in the game. I would think that a man of your stature would be chomping at the bit to get into camp/OTA's and be the leader that we all want you to be.

Hell, I'm having a hard time even understanding the logic behind your no-shows. It's not about money since Dan Snyder has given you all of King Midas' silver. I want to believe that a man who just signed a nine figure contract would feel some sort of obligation to the team paying him and would do whatever it asked of him to show that he deserves that money. From what we have been told though, you have different reasons. You are sitting at home because you want to work out on your own. That's fine except that no one believes that your lardass will show up in shape. You've also pissed and moaned about not wanting to play in a 3-4 defense. The job of a nose tackle in a 3-4 is pretty much just to fall down and clog up the middle. You don't even need to make plays. This seems right up your alley.

But I think that my favorite part of this constant saga is that everyone else on the Redskins is buying into the new regime except for you. EVERYONE else (inlcuding malcontents like Larry Johnson and DeAngelo Hall) has bought into the new staff and believes that they may have something good cooking in DC. Even former Redskins have called you out for being a selfish dick yet you still sit at home. NO ONE is backing you up on this. Yes, that is definitely my favorite part of the offseason...your complete and total indifference toward the franchise who set you, your kids, your bastard kids, your kid's kids, and your bastard kid's kids up for life.

And instead of showing your gratitude, you sit. You alienate yourself from the team. I fully expect you to create a divide in the locker room once the season starts.

In conclusion, Albert Haynesworth, GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND AT LEAST PRETEND THAT YOU WANT TO PLAY IN THE NFL! You are a fucking embarrassment to the sport. I wish that Bruce Allen would have traded your ass on draft day for a 7th round pick just so you can see how worthless you are. Oh sure, you're great 30% of the time you're on the field and pretty good 30% of the time as well. It's the other 40% of the time when you are either hurt or sucking Oxygen like Patty and Selma suck Laramie's. It's a fucking joke and I wish that you were never brought into my life.

I hope that you get run over by a steam roller while being raped by a pterodactyl. You can afford a fancy death when you steal millions of dollars from your employer.

Your mother is a rug-munching test-tube baby,

--anonymous Redskins fan

Oil Spill Meets Saintly Act


The Gulf oil spill has already wreaked havoc on the coast’s wildlife and economy, and there’s plenty more still yet to come. For the folks of New Orleans smacked hard by Katrina, this new disaster rears its head before the old one has had time to fade from memory. Both citizens and wildlife need help, and the city’s beloved football team, the New Orleans Saints, have decided to pitch in.

Now that they’re back from their parades, Disney World, and cheating on their wives with every hot piece of groupie tail that isn’t tied up with NASCAR, the Saints have decided that since their salaries are paid in part by the downtrodden citizens, they may as well help out.

It’s certainly not that the efforts aren’t appreciated. Those guys need all the help they can get. But how many times do star athletes decide to don a cape and swoop in as if they’re doing everyone a favor? If this were China, their assets would be seized for the cause. No. We’re not communists. But we are realists.

Half of the team was probably blowing more at US casinos in an hour than most of us make in a year before they decided to… get this – hold a raffle?

That’s right. They’re not down there to clean the birds (though they did stop and look at them). They’re not forking over a year’s salary to the cause. Instead, they’re holding a raffle where, for a $2 ticket, you might win a Super Bowl ring.

In an underground raffle many aren’t aware of, you can pay $3 for a ticket and a chance to win a piece of Drew Brees’ removed giant face mole.

This isn’t about coming down hard on the Saints, though. They’re good guys, probably, and many of them make their permanent home around the New Orleans area. This is a blow to their community. However, it stinks of political posturing in the sense that, unlike Sean Penn, these guys are publicizing their efforts in a faux telethon instead of getting down and dirty and just deciding to do the damn thing.

The Saints will have another stellar season upcoming, undoubtedly, and they’ll be a sure bet facing off against the lesser teams of the NFC. You won’t need a casino games guide to tell you to take New Orleans and the points vs. the Buccaneers.

Brees and company will have the world at their fingertips, their championship to lose. Many players on the team received huge bonuses and are still reaping the rewards of their Super Bowl win over the Colts.

The regular folks of New Orleans, however, might collapse before the season starts.

So while the Saints’ efforts are truly appreciated, it is, after all, the very least they could do. The most would be to stop posturing for the cameras and to get to work.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I Could Not Have Been More Right

(Now THAT is my kind of team! Best team uniforms ever although they need matching cleats! I need to move to Argentina!)

I did not watch the USA/England soccer game on Saturday (I refuse to call it a match). I said it last week and my opinion has not changed since. Soccer is gay. And now you all know it and can stop pretending that you give a shit about national pride. I will not act like I care about it just because other loser countries do. I am more interested in Strasmas part II, college sports realignment, the weather, cleaning the house, etc. than I am for Cunt Dempsey. I played golf instead on Saturday afternoon (actually made a birdie!). I regret nothing. And you know what, it sounds like a didn't miss anything anyway.

I'm not paying attention to the games or anything, but you can't help but notice the scores and highlights if you have any of the ESPN channels on. One thing that I have taken note of is that the World Cup is even lamer than I thought. Has any game even seen three goals yet? What a boring load of shit! Needs more Arriaga and Arriaga 2! I may be the only one who gets this reference but if you watched FlashForward, everyone on the planet blacked out at the exact same moment for two minutes or so. If the entire world watched one minute of the World Cup at the same time, the same thing would happen. Everyone would pass out from boredom.

Now let's talk about, as Ace called it, The Revolutionary War. Like I said, I didn't watch it and I didn't need to. I saw the "highlights". From what I could tell, the Brits owned the entire game, the Americans got a Buckner-esque play from the Brit goalie to weasel away a tie, and the USA played like the inferior twats that they are. What sport allows ties anyway? That's pussy shit. But what do you expect from grown men who exchange jerseys/anal discharges after every game?

Some dickhead writer from the New York Times called the US/England game one of the most important sporting events in the past few decades. Now obviously that is a load of rhino shit since about 10% of this country gave a fake fuck about that. That writer must not remember that every NFL and college football game ever played has been more important than a stupid soccer match. Yes, the Thursday night MAC showdown last Fall between Miami and Buffalo was way more important than this monkey jizz. And if I recall, at halftime of the "most important sporting event", all of the players from both teams started fucking each other in the ass to keep the people from the future from taking their jobs. That may or may not have happened, but if it did, would it surprise you? Josey Altidore seems like a power bottom and you know damn well that Landon Donovan's anus is always greased up and ready for action. Anyway, if this game was so important and life-altering, why did it end in a tie? Lame. There needs to be a winner and a loser at all times.

It feels like I'm beating a dead horse here. But when I'm right, I want you all to bask in my rightness. Soccer is fucking gay. And if I hear one more asshole call it football, I'm going to (running out of threats).

And how about playing these games inside of a fucking beehive! Here I thought that thundersticks were the most annoying fan accesory ever. They don't compare to vuvuzelas (some sort of queer horn that sounds like a bee). God, soccer is for ferries.

Go Slovenia and the team from mother Africa that America still has to play. I can't wait for these Roman helmets to come home. Maybe they will score a real goal next game.

Friday, June 11, 2010

College Football Funbag(s)

(Nothing to do with college football...everything to do with funbags)
Align Right
There is just too much going on in the college football world not to touch on it. And you're all very lucky that is the case. I was totally prepared to give an in-depth preview of the "Revolutionary War II" between USA and the redcoats. But you probably don't care and I don't really know shit about soccer, so lets talk some college football.

The Sanctions
The USC sanctions have came down and the NCAA proved that there is a set of testicles somewhere in the bunch. I had always thought that the NCAA was really going to take a stand this time and give USC more than just a slap on the wrist, and they did. Bravo, NCAA, you aren't totally worthless and nutless after all.

So USC is banned from post-season play for the next two years, will lose 30 schollies over the next three years, forced to vacate wins from 2004-05, and are on probation for four years. Boom, bitch. Apparently the committee was VERY close to dropping a TV ban on the Trojans as well. That would have been fucking awesome...in two years nobody would have even known who USC was. But the bowl ban is really going to hurt them. Good luck getting a bunch of kids to play for nothing when they have been promised the dream of BCS championships. If USC can manage to hold strong and put together an one loss season, or maybe even go undefeated, then the ban really won't kill them because the media will still talk about "what if USC was eligible, they would totally win the National Championship." However, they won't. USC will lose four games next year and at least that many the following. Thus, destroying the stronghold they held in recruiting California and putting them back in the middle of the pack, especially if half of the Big 12 joins the PAC 10 party. See: SMU.

The fact that Juniors and Seniors are allowed to transfer without sitting out a year is huge as well. Pete Carroll just left them. They can't play in a bowl game their last two years on the team. Lane Kiffin is a douche fuck who nobody wants to play for. You best believe upperclassmen will be finding greener pastures(at Michigan).

Also, Jay Bilas is the kind of guy who will tongue punch your fart box if you let him. He was on some ESPN radio show blathering about how terrible the NCAA is because they are taking away scholarships from USC and that ruins kids educations and futures. That is somebody who obviously just doesn't get it. What a fucktard.

Would somebody please get a microphone in front of Reggie Bush.

The Expansion
It's happening people. Nebraska fired the first shot and now the Big 12 is a war zone just waiting to be pillaged. Colorado is already heading to the PAC whatever. The remaining Big 12 schools are going to hold a meeting to make it seem like they are doing whatever they can do save the conference, but they are really just bringing in Kansas, Missouri, Kansas State, Baylor, and Iowa State officials to point and laugh at them. It appears the PAC 16 has become real. Which fucking sucks. I really didn't think the Big Ten would let Texas get away, but that's what's happening.

So where does the Big Ten go from here? They have options. There are still some rumors being tossed around that the Big Ten is making a proposal to include ND, Texas, Texas A&M, and Missouri(Mizz invite contingent on ND accepting), but I don't think those will happen. If Texas really wants to make its money then the Big Ten is the obvious option. But it appears the PAC 16 will be a smoother transition and a better fit overall.

Anyways, the Big Ten. Yesterday WFNI in Indianapolis was reporting that Notre Dame, Syracuse, Rutgers, and Maryland were coming to the Big Ten. I wouldn't mind this because; 1. Notre Dame is included and if we miss out on Texas we have to get Notre Dame, and 2. I could talk about how much of a pimp the Big Ten is, banging at least one slut from three different conferences and one independent. But this isn't ideal. Rutgers is a shit school and has zero cash to compete. Syracuse doesn't play football, and that's what it's all about. Maryland has some potential, but just seems like a random addition.

I don't want Rutgers. I don't really want Syracuse. I would rather replace both of them with Missouri and Pitt. But it appears Missouri's whoring itself around has put off any conference that was interested in them...enjoy the Mountain West ya fucks. Syracuse and Rutgers don't bring in the NY market. Besides, getting ND will already do that. But I understand the D.C. draw that Maryland would bring so I can live with that. Either way, shits going to get crazy these next two weeks. I love college football in June.

(Caveat: I wrote this yesterday afternoon. Last night a Kansas City TV station reported that Texas and Texas A&M were coming to the Big Ten. Which...HOLY FUCK! Or TAMU will go to the SEC...or Oklahoma will go to the SEC...or Texas will join the Big East, okay maybe not. Who fucking knows.)

The Fuckjob
Michigan is an academic powerhouse. They are one of the most prestigious Universities in the world. It has one of the lowest undergraduate acceptance rates in the country, so it should be no surprise that a kid with an ACT score of 18 and a GPA of 2.6 doesn't qualify to be a student at U of M. However, when that kid is one of the best defensive backs in the country, the best recruit in the class, one of the most controversial signings, and you have accepted his letter of intent, don't you think you have to sign him?

Yes, Demar Dorsey was released from his letter of intent from Michigan, meaning he can pursue other schools freely. Dorsey didn't have the grades for Michigan, but he does have the grades for almost every other D1 school. Dorsey's past has absolutely nothing to do with him not being accepted into Michigan, but I think it should play a role. It should have gotten him admitted.

If Dorsey would have stayed with Florida, or went to Florida State or USC, nobody would know who this kid is. But because he chose to better himself by going to Michigan and get away from a bad situation in his home state, his name and past got dragged through the media and he and his family have been harassed non-stop since his commitment. Now, in June, the University turns its back on him. Thanks for going through all that trouble and putting up with all the bullshit you have over the past six months, but you can't come here. That's fucking wrong. You owe it to this kid to let him be a student-athlete at Michigan.

I'm not saying that Michigan should accept every single kid just because they are one of the best athletes in the country, I understand Michigan has standards. But you can't string this kid along all this time and he puts in the work in class, gets eligible, puts up with the media shitstorm and then slam the door in his face. You have to look into a kids grades before you offer him and if you think he can improve his grades then go ahead and offer him, but you can't hold him hostage until fucking June and then turn him loose after every other school has filled up their class. If Dorsey's grades were as terrible as they supposedly were then he should have never been offered a scholarship and never been put in this situation. But he was offered and he accepted that offer. And Michigan made the decision that they couldn't accept him. A horrible decision that not only makes the University look like a bunch of arrogant pricks, but fucks over an 18 year old kid after he did everything in his power to become a Michigan Wolverine. Fuck you, Michigan.

(Caveat: Christ. Can the college football world not turn upside down five times a day. There have been recent reports saying Dorsey had an ACT score of 12 and a GPA of 1.9 and RichRod just offered the kid a scholly without asking admissions or the AD. I find that story hard to believe, but after "practice-gate" it's obvious the Athletic Department at Michigan is clueless. Even if DD had these terrible grades, that probably makes the situation even worse because Michigan still held him hostage until just a few days ago.)

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Thursday Thump


Hey, I've got just a big ass melange of thoughts today. On Wednesdays, we get our inspiration for a post like this from Digital Underground. Today, we seek strength from the late, great Junk Yard Dog! THUMP, BITCH! By the way, Deadspin's weekly "Dead Wrestler of the Week" feature is fucking amazing.

***That was the best Strasmas ever - I wish that I wrote about this yesterday. How fucking good is this kid? You would think that there was no way that he could live up to all the hype, but HOLY SHIT. How do you throw that hard with pinpoint control? This guy is going to be soooo damn good. Granted, it was against the Pirates and he did have an electric home crowd supporting him, but still. And he gets to face the Indians on Sunday! I know where I will be at 1 pm...watching STO and seeing more Strasburg fans in the stands than Indians fans. I'm so fucking giddy about this guy eventhough he's weird-looking. Maybe it's because I know that in 2016, he's going to be wearing pinstripes.

***Speaking of which, how about an insane Nationals prediction - When you pick in the top 3 of every damn draft, eventually you are going to be good. It happened to Tampa. So I will say it: the Washington Nationals will be in the World Series by 2015. And I mean it. They have their ace. They have their closer of the future (Drew Storen). They have their 3/4 hitters for the next decade (Zimmerman/Harper). From what I've read, they will spend the money (and have it to burn) once they are ready to make the leap. Man, I wish that I was a Nats fan right now. Hell, I wear my Nationals hat every time I leave the house these days! There is so much to be pumped about...especially since Adam Dunn won't be around next year!

***Where "Derek Fisher is the MVP" happens - I freely admit, I've only watched the 4th quarters of the NBA Finals. I don't feel like I've missed anything. I mean, if the series was over today, Derek Fisher would win the MVP and he sucks. It sure as hell isn't Kobe who continues to jack up rotten shots. It should never take anyone 29 shots to score 29 points. The officiating has been shit (as expected). KG looks like a fucking corpse acting like a tough guy. Ray Allen continues to be the biggest enigma of the series though. When he plays well, the C's win. When he sucks (and 0 for 13 is the definition), they lose. People will say that Rondo makes them tick but that is wrong. It's all about the wetness of Ray Ray's J. I never made an official prediction but Lakers in 6 feels about right.

***"The Big 12 is dead" - I was at the gym last night watching ESPN when Chip Brown from orangebloods.com came on and stated that this conference will cease to exist soon. We've talked about the rumors before, but I didn't expect it to go down this fast. Nebraska is already giving the Big Ten an HJ. Missour-ah appears to be next in line. If Notre Dame says no, then Rutgers will be quick to act as well. I couldn't believe that Texas got their administration and coaches together yesterday, decided that they had to move, and are ready to go Pac-10 already. I figured that it would take them months to decide. Damn...the face of college sports as we know it is changing. The days of the super-conferences are upon us. And if you think that this is going to lead to a playoff, you've got another thing coming. In fact, the BCS is just getting stronger. These guys, expecially now, are going to want to keep the big paydays within the mon-con's. But who I really feel bad for is Bill Self and the Kansas hoops program. Where in the hell are they going to go? That's the best (arguably) program in the country and they may have to settle for a Mountain West bid. Sad.

***The drought is over - What a great Stanley Cup Final game last night. I had no rooting interest at all (though I was pulling for the Blackhawks as I dislike Chrissy Pronger), yet I was on the edge of my seat. Good for the Blackhawks though. But it would have been funny if Marian Hossa had lost in the Finals again. You know, not everyone likes hockey and I get that. But goddamn are their playoffs not the best in sports? The NHL postseason is just fucking awesome. 2011 Stanley Cup Champs: the Scott Arniel-led CBJ!!!

***This is your 4 Week Warning - The best show of the summer fires up again in 28 long days, bitches. 7/8 marks the sexy return of Julie Chen! There has been nothing announced as far as the cast goes, but I assume that CBS will give us an eclectic bunch as always. I would kill to be on this show.

Ace runs the show tomorrow. Hopefully I didn't steal his topic today. I'm umping with Damman on Saturday (this is our first time as partners). I fully expect some Jim Joyce-like shitty calls out of him while I am respsonsible for calming everyone down.