Friday, April 30, 2010
Earlier this week, Grumpy spent a day at his site discussing the awesomeness of KFC's Double Down. I was intrigued and finally broke down and got one. I wouldn't say that it was great but it is definitely a must-try. The commercial makes the chicken look really crispy but in reality it is not. And would it kill them to put about 6 more strips of bacon on it? If I am going to shorten my life with this sandwich, at least put some more pig in it. But this concoction may be even more delectable...
Meet "The Sky-Rosa" - This is without question the best thing that has ever been seen at Great American Ballpark in Cincy. What is it? Why it's a Skyline Cheese Coney wrapped in a slice of La Rosa's pizza. You have to make it yourself, but how great is that! Skyline fucking rules and while I'm not like every other SW Ohio resident who raves about La Rosa's (it's alright I guess), this looks heart-stoppingly great. This "sandwich" has to be at least 5000 calories. Well played, Reds fans, well played. Locally, do you know what would fucking own? If the Blue Jackets had a stand where you could get a Thurman Burger stuffed with Schmitt's Bahama Mama sausage. You would probably have to sign a waiver to eat that bitch though.
Dez Bryant's mother was a whore? - Everyone seems to be all up in arms over the Dolphins GM asking Bryant if his mother traded her vagina for money. My response is: who cares? That is an easy question. Yes or no. If she wasn't a prostitute, you tell them that and move on. If someone was willing to give me 8 figures, they can ask whatever the fuck they wanted. Oh, you want to know how many times I've milked myself? How much time do you got because this could take awhile?
68 is much better than 96 - I can live with 68 teams in the NCAA tourney. That is acceptable. 4 play-in games does not ruin things for me. But I wonder who plays in those games? Is it the conference champs from the smaller leagues or the last 8 teams that qualified? Personally, it should be the last 8 teams fighting to be the 12 seed in the first round. Regardless of what you think about the MEAC champ, they EARNED their way there and deserve to get slaughtered by a one seed. Make the bubble teams duke it out.
No one likes the Indians - I don't know what to make of this revelation but apparently the Indians are the least liked team in baseball. This is confusing. Sure, I don't like them but I didn't think that everyone else on the planet agreed with me as well. The Red Sox are #2 (should be #1), the Reds #3 (not after the Sky-Rosa takes off), and the Astros and Yankees are 4 and 5. I just don't get it but I like it. The Indians blow. Oh wait, now I know the reason why everyone loathes the Indians...TOM HAMILTON!!!
Bring on the fucking Celtics - I'm ready. I'm not worried about LeBron's elbow. The only thing that concerns me is how much we embarrass them. A sweep would be welcomed. This is going to be a fun-ass series. Too bad I'm going to miss game 1...
Why? Well, longtime reader and friend of Dennis Haskins, Rex, is getting married tomorrow. Many of the cast of characters that make up the commentariat here will be in attendance. Should be a blast. Congrats, Mikey, I'm going to get shitfaced on Roger's dime.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I know what you're thinking: "Why in the hell are we talking about Jeff Conine"? That is an extremely fair and legit question. I mean, not even the Conine family talks about Jeff Conine anymore. But recently, I've noticed an influx of old, crappy players coming back to the bigs and shocking fans everywhere with their ability to still be alive. Gone are the deadweights of Chris Gomez and Ray Durham; still hanging and banging are the rag arms of Rodrigo Lopez and Mark Hendrickson! So I've researched every major league roster (as I did two years ago for this post) and have come up with a 25 man team of players that I'm sure most of you had no idea were still being paid to play baseball.
For about a ten year stretch in the 90's and 00's, I never failed to ask the question, "Why is Jeff Conine still playing"? I could never figure out how he kept getting work. Clearly, he had the strongest strain of alligator blood around. He is the poster boy of this team, but he is not alone. Let's get started unveiling the 2010 Jeff Conine All-Stars.
Let me preface this by saying that the manager of this fine squad is none other than Cito Gaston! And yes, he managed this team of vagabonds in 2008 as well! Gaston has taken time off from the Danny Glover lookalike circuit (I'm gettin' too old for this shit!) to come back to baseball, so we're recognizing him with this distinct honor again.
Granted their unconditional release (they didn't make the team) - Miguel Cairo (CIN), Austin Kearns (CLE), Gabe Kapler (was on this list two years ago and may eventually become a Jeff Conine Hall of Famer), and Jason Michaels (HOU)
C: Brad Ausmus (LAD), Jason LaRue (STL) - Ausmus actually caught Warren Spahn! LaRue was released by the Reds 18 years ago. I figured he would be gone by now. It takes a lot for me not to include Jason Kendall and Pudge Rordiguez here.
1B: Jason Giambi (COL), Bobby Crosby (PIT) - I had no idea that the Giambino was still playing...and getting paid to do so! 4-5 years ago, Peter Gammons picked Crosby to win the AL MVP before the season started. This may or may not have been the cause of Peter's brain issues.
2B: Mark Grudzielanek (CLE) - I met Grudz at a baseball camp over a decade ago. I would not include him on my list of 1000 most awesome people that I've met. For the record, former Browns center, Mike Baab, would be in the top 100. The Miller High Life Guy would be in the top ten. Li'l Strut would be #12,366.
3B: Eric Chavez (OAK), Melvin Mora (COL) - Chavez might be one of the biggest busts of the past decade as he was either hurt or terrible at all times. But he's finally healthy this year...yet still awful. Even the Orioles didn't want to pay Mora anymore and that says a lot.
SS: John McDonald (TOR), Craig Counsell (MIL) - I hate McDonald so much. He shouldn't even be selling hot dogs at a major league ballpark. He is truly horrendous and looks like a narc to me. A narc to what? I'm not sure, but he looks like a tattle-tale. Counsell was instrumental for the Marlins winning the '97 World Series over the Indians (suck on that!). He has gotten drastically worse every year since but is still fooling the Brewers.
OF: Jim Edmonds (MIL), Frank Catalanotto (NYM), Fernando Tatis (NYM), Marcus Thames (NYY) - Anyone else think that three of these four guys have taken some serious "injections" over their careers? I can't wait for the day that Thames gets released. He has already cost the Yankees two games with his rotten defense in left.
SP: Kris Benson (ARI), Freddy Garcia (CWS), Brian Moehler (HOU), Ian Snell (SEA), Livan Hernandez (WAS) - Call me crazy, but I find Anna Benson to be hot. Well, at least I did five years ago. I have no idea what she looks like today. Garcia looks like The Rock. Moehler is 38 and has never been good yet still starts in the bigs. Snell sucks. Livan looks exactly like a Latin Matt Thompson which is about the biggest insult that I can hurl at someone.
RP: Scott Schoeneweis (BOS), Arthur Rhodes (CIN), Bruce Chen (KC), LaTroy Hawkins (HOU), Jose Contreras (PHI), Guillermo Mota (SF) - I believe that Schoeneweis found his wife dead...damn, I'm impressed that he's still pitching actually. Rhodes is 40 and proof that if I have a son, he WILL be a left-handed pitcher. There is no easier way to make a living. If I told you that someone named Bruce Chen was Panamanian, would you believe me? Hawkins has sucked for 26 of the 30 teams in baseball in my estimation. That goes for Contreras and Mota as well. How was Contreras so unhittable in 2005 yet hasn't been able to get anyone out since (or before for that matter)?
Closer: Octavio Dotel (PIT) - Dotel is the worst fulltime closer of the past decade. No one will be able to change my mind on that. Not even Todd Jones was as shaky as Dotel.
I hope that helped. Now you all know what kind of crappy players are still making jack while you sit in your cubicle with your pants off. But as bad as this team appears to be, I'd still take them over the Pirates...and I'm sure that they could outscore the Indians.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Remember Monday? It was the day before Mr. Ace posted a shitload of posts and set the record for number of words written here in one day. Anyway, I teased how I met a midget on Saturday. Both Drew and Dut agreed that Midget Day would be an excellent idea for this website. And I could not agree more. So let's call today "Midget Day" and I ask that everyone with a dwarf story of their own to contribute.
Like I said on Monday, I had to umpire a doubleheader on Saturday. I was not looking forward to it as it was my ninth game in seven days and I could have used a day off. There was a 95% chance of rain that day so I figured I would be able to watch the Draft all day instead. But the rain fucked me and I had to head up to a shitty city school for two games against Catholic schools.
I got their late because the drive-thru line for Burger King breakfast was fucking awful. I rolled up to the school about 20 minutes before first pitch. My partner was all set to go behind the dish so it was all good. We walk up to the field and talk to the coaches. One of our responsiblities is to check the bats and helmets of both teams to make sure they are all legit. The Catholic school dugout is where I saw him. The Midget. In all his two feet glory. I think that I took a step back when he handed me a helmet to inspect. It was just weird. He was at the perfect level to give me a hummer! The best part about this: he was the batboy. The batboy!!!
He had to wear a helmet and everything! His little stubby legs took days to retrieve the bats after each batter. It was even funnier than it sounds. I spent the entire first three innings watching the midget instead of the game. Those teams are still waiting for me to make an out/safe call from the 2nd inning. There were just so many questions running through my head about that small-handed bastard.
*Why were his calves bigger than his skull?
*Did he enjoy Willow as much as I did? And if so, is Madmortigan a nice guy?
*Is he a member of Mini-KISS?
*Does he hate Verne Troyer?
*Was he a participant in the 1994 Survivor Series match between Jerry Lawler's team and Doink The Clown's team?
*How much would is cost to get him to say "the plane, boss, the plane"?
*Has he ever taken part in a dwarf-tossing?
*Why hasn't TLC given him his own reality show yet? I mean, a midget batboy! I would watch that show.
So, I made it through my first encounter with a midget and it was just as fascinating as I had hoped. But I said that this was an open forum and I meant it. This is an average post at best so I need help from the commentariat to make this an outstanding post. I'm looking at you two, Drew and Dut. Put down the cabbage and start writing your small tales. That goes for the rest of you, too. We can't be the only three here to have run-ins with those half-pints.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Speaking of rape, the rapist got suspended for 4-6 game, with the possibility of extending the suspension still there. Let's talk about the statement he released and the bullshit excuse that is being thrown around now, and then I will get to what I think of the suspension.
Let's take a look at this statement:
The Commissioner's decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me. I am accountable for the consequences of my actions. Though I have committed no crime, I regret that I have fallen short of the values instilled in me by my family. I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me-and more.
Missing games will be devastating for me. I am sorry to let down my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base. I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again.
I appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements.
All I see is blah blah blah, I rape bitches. You were just suspended for six games and you weren't even charged with a crime! Show some fucking stones. I know Big Ben did it and so does everybody else, but that isn't grounds for a six game suspension. I would have got in front of a microphone and lost my mind if I were him. Show some emotion. Make a real denial, not some pussy written statement. This only makes Big Ben look worse.
Then, Forensic Pathologist, Cyril Wecht made these statements:
"It’s conceivable to think that there is a possibility that those concussions have led to some behavioral issues. The question I pose is simple: Can someone with several chronic or repetitive head injuries later display behavior that is socially undesirable? It’s certainly possible, but we won’t know that unless there is a proper evaluation, then work-up and treatment plan. It would be medically negligent not to include these sorts of tests as a part of this disciplinary process."So, can someone with several repetitive head injuries later display behavior that is socially undesirable? Yes. The long term effects of repeated concussions can include psychiatric disorders that may include antisocial behavior. But, that is a long term effect. Something taking years and decades to develop gradually. You don't just go from being a choir boy to Charles Manson. I don't really know what this has to do with Big Ben. His concussions in the NFL don't explain away all of his abhorrent behavior. He was a douche bag long before he was first concussed. I don't know why a well known Forensic Pathologist would even make a statement like that. The Steelers must be funding her current research.
And finally, the actual suspension. Contrary to what most of you probably believe, I don't like the suspension. I think he should have gotten two games max. I understand that Roger Goodell has to protect the shield and yadda yadda yadda, but he needs to tread softly on excessively punishing players that haven't even been charged with a crime.
Excessive punishment does not deter poor behavior. It only makes those who exhibit poor behavior more desperate to escape punishment. Imagine if the law was changed in the United States and burglary now carried a minimum sentence of 50 years in prison. Will this lessen the amount of burglary? No. Will it make those who burglarize more likely to do whatever they can to get away with the crime? Yes. Let's say some random, average NFL player is accused of sexually assaulting a young woman in a similar fashion to the Roethlisberger case. Now he knows he is looking at, at least, a six game suspension. Why wouldn't he do whatever he can to get away with the crime? I'm talking about bribing witnesses. I'm talking about threatening witnesses. I'm talking about threatening victims. And potentially, I'm talking about murder.
Now before you say I'm just making shit up and have no idea what I'm talking about, think about what happened with Marvin Harrison. Remember that situation? Harrison gets into an altercation with a man, Dwight Dixon, and--allegedly-- fired shots towards the man afterward. It was proven that Harrison's pistol was used, but he was not criminally charged because he is Marvin Harrison and it is Philadelphia. A year later, Dwight Dixon is executed while he still had a civil suit pending against Harrison. It certainly appears that Harrison had Dixon killed. Dixon likely cost Harrison the last couple years of his career with his allegations, and Dixon is now likely dead because of it.
If someone is capable of rape, what makes you think they aren't capable of murder to cover their tracks and save their career? Slow your roll, Goodell.
On a lighter note, this is the routine I plan on having when me and my groomsmen walk into my wedding reception.
That is fucking awesome.
1. Gregg Popovich. It was just over a week ago when all the talking heads were saying Pop made a mistake by calling his team "dogs" after their game one performance. Gregg Popovich laughs at the notion that somebody could possibly question his brilliance. Pop is the new Phil Jackson. While Phil is pressing all the wrong buttons and setting the Lakers up for the biggest first round flop ever, Pop has turned his squad into a well oiled machine with all parts working cohesively.
2. Tim Duncan. I would like to take the time to wish my dear friend, Tim Duncan, I happy belated birthday. He turned 34 on Sunday. And while he only had four points in Game 4, he had over 20 points in each of the first three games. The Mavs have been rotating Dampier and Haywood on Duncan all series, but he cannot be stopped. Duncan may not be able to bring his A game every night anymore, but he is still the best big man in the Association. Suck it, Dwight.
3. Healthy bodies. It has been a long time since the Spurs rolled into the playoffs well rested and not nursing injuries. Obviously, Ginobili getting his nose busted could be a deal breaker for the Spurs, but as the playoffs go on he will only get more comfortable with it. Antonio McDyess has come back from the dead, hitting jumpers like an assassin. Even Richard Jefferson is holding his own deep into the season. Skip Bayless actually made some sense yesterday when he said that Tony Parker breaking his hand was the best thing that happened to the Spurs this year. He was right. Parker looks like he is back in 2007. Remember that Cavs fans? Bust out the brooms, bitch.
4. George Hill. He just took over Game 4. Think about this, George Hill scored almost 33% of the Spurs points in Game 4...and we won. Even when the Big Three don't have it going, the Spurs have enough players to win. I expect George Hill to have one of these types of games in every series because he can. I've seen his penis.
5. DeJuan Blair. Best draft pick ever? Best draft pick ever. So what if the guy has no ACL's. Who needs 'em. When I have a son I'm getting his removed at birth. The moment he steps on the floor he changes the game. He averages 20 rebounds per minute, 25 of which are offensive. Teams are going to hate him for a long time. I'm glad he's a member of my team.
The Lakers are done, folks. They may get out of round one, but the rest of the teams in the west are licking their chops. The Suns aren't a threat to do anything. I am a little afraid of the Utah Jazz, always have been. However, the loss of Okur will really hurt them when they play a team with an actual big man. And in the East...they don't really play basketball until the Finals.
After tonight the Spurs will be on their way to the second round and an eventual championship. And if there is a god, Mark Cuban be violated by a pack of armadillos and Eduardo Najera. I'll be back at noon to give my final thoughts on the rapist.
But in every draft there are winners and losers(not really, these kids haven't played a snap) and I will tell you who they were.
Seattle Seahawks. If any team can land Okung, Earl Thomas, and Golden Tate then they had one hell of a draft. Then he got Anthony McCoy as a late round steal, who slipped because he tested positive for the reefer at the combine. The best news of all, they acquired Lendale White and Leon Washington...meaning Julius Jones is no more.
Oakland Raiders. Al Davis must have rolled out on the right side of his crypt before the NFL draft. Rolando McClain was a reach at that spot, but he is a solid, safe pick. I think Lamarr Houston can be just as good as Gerald McCoy in the pros. Thee steal of the draft was Bruce Campbell. I wanted the Eagles to get this guy so bad. He's a fucking monster and if Vernon Gholston wasn't a piece of shit Campbell would have went in the first round. And Al Davis did what he does best, draft the fastest player in the draft, Jacoby Ford. I can't wait for Gradkowski to beat out all 13 quarterbacks the Raiders have.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I agree with G$, Gerald McCoy and Brian Price are going to grow into a force on the D-line. But I really like the WR pick-ups. Between Arrelious Benn and Mike Williams(not THAT Mike Williams Lions fans), I think they got two first round talent guys. If Benn would have played anywhere but Illinois he would have been a top ten pick. Mike Williams has some character issues, but he's certainly worth a fourth round pick. Josh Freeman has some weapons.
There is only one loser. Jacksonville Jaguars. With there first three picks, they got three guys that they could have got in the third round. They could have drafted Tim Tebow with every pick and still had a better draft than they did. I don't even know if L.A. would take this team.
And now we get to my Eagles. In almost every single draft recap I have seen, the Eagles have been graded near the top. I am not a senseless homer. I love that we traded up to get Brandon Graham, there isn't a doubt in my mind he was the best pass rusher in the draft. The Nate Allen pick was excellent also, I think he has a similar, if not equal, skill set to Earl Thomas.
After the first two rounds I have no idea what the fuck Andy Reid was thinking. I think Reid was trying to beat the record for acquiring defensive ends in the offseason. Daniel Te'o-Nesheim might be the worst pick of the draft. We had no reason to take him there, he would have been available 50 picks later. Ricky Sapp is another undersized DE who will get blown up if ran at. Keenan Clayton is another undersized LB who will get blown up if ran at. For some reason we took another TE, which either means Cornelius Ingram's knee is totally fucked or the Eagles plan on running goal-line hurry up as the base offense PS3 NCAA 2010 style. Of the Eagles final 11 picks, I liked 3 picks. I think Trevard Lindley was a great pick, Jamar Chaney, pick #220, will get some playing time this year, and I half liked the Riley Cooper and Jeff Owens picks. Fuck Kurt Coleman. If we wanted another safety, why wouldn't we take Myron Rolle at #200 instead of wasting a pick on this bum. We could have at least taken my boy, Barry Church.
The NFL Draft is awesome, but you already knew that. I will be back at 10:00am EST to crown a champion.
Monday, April 26, 2010
As of yesterday, the Money's have now welcomed a new addition to the family in the form of a 37 pound beagle named "Alex". He is 9 months old and shockingly housebroken already (eventhough She$ is not). Here he is on the left and I'm sure I will post more annoying pictures of him on Facebook. It's what dog owners do, I suppose. Anyway, you may call him A-Bomb if you would like. I plan on injecting him with as many steroids as possible but I will try and keep him away from Canadian HGH smugglers.
We were going to get a little dog from these people but I put my foot down. I can't own a ten pound dog. I just can't. That's a meal to me, not a pet. So we went to the Franklin County animal shelter and picked out a rescue dog. This makes me feel good. Saving a life is a nice feeling. It makes me realize that despite all of my shitty behavior and daily hate-mongering here, I am a good person. This proves it. I am OK. Although I made a dogfighting joke at the shelter that She$ told me I was retarded for doing. So I guess I'm not that great after all. But enough back-patting, let's get some final thoughts on the draft...
*I am one of the few people who actually liked the former "Day 2" of the Draft. Chris Berman was not involved so how can't it be great? I missed every fucking pick of rounds 4-7 though as I was umpiring. The games were 27-1 and 18-0 and lasted a combined 6 hours. I love umpiring because it's one of the only places that I garner any sort of respect, but those games made me want to quit. It was awful. City league (AKA mostly black) schools are just fucking terrible and should never be allowed to play doubleheaders.
*I thought, just from seeing the classes, that the Seahawks had the best draft with the 49ers, Ravens, Eagles, and (gasp) Raiders doing well, too. Look, I know that most of you think that Jason Campbell is terrible, but I don't. And I think he's in a pretty good situation in Oakland. He has a nice running game, fast receivers, and he is following in JaMarcus Russell's shoes. Yes, I just admitted that the Raiders were better than the ZornSkins. J-Camp is going to be fine and I wish him well. He will start over Polack Bruce. Mt. Cody and the Ravens just make so much sense. With Cody, Ngata, and fistfuls of HGH, Ray Lewis might play forever. Seattle, after day 1, added Golden Tate, Leon Washington, AND LenDale White? That is outstanding.
*After that shitty first round, Mike Holmgren did alright. Look, I don't know if Colt McCoy can play in the NFL. But as the 85th pick, it's worth a shot to find out. I always wonder about a guy who has never played in the cold now playing 4-5 games per year in 40 degrees or worse. Hardesty was a nice pick, too. That brotha from Oregon apparently hits like a brick shithouse. Like I said, not a bad class but I still hated that first round pick that was unnecessary.
*Anyone else find it amusing how everyone thought that Toby Gerhart and Jordan Shipley were sleeper picks? They went two rounds too high only because they are white. That makes me laugh. I would rather have LeGarrette Blount than Gerhart just because the ceiling his higher, but Blount didn't get drafted because he likes to punch whities. Shipley can't run and is great if you are looking for a slower Joe Jurevicius which I assume you are not.
*Jimmy Clausen goes to Carolina. This is a pretty good fit for him. When the only one ahead of you on the depth chart is Matt Moore, you are going to play sooner than later. And the mix that the Panthers have is nice. A monster running game with a stud WR and a bulldozing O-Line? Remember, this team may have been a Super Bowl team if they weren't lead by the Browns starting QB for the next two seasons. He will be starting for Carolina by week 8...book it.
*Speaking of which, this QB class wasn't great and the teams agreed. Other than Bradford and Tebow, every single one of them slipped. I don't think that Dan LeFevour will be able to play in the league, but I thought that he would go before two fucking punters. Since Jay Cutler blows though, maybe he will see the field soon. Next year could be a solid class with Mallet, Locker, and (ugh) Terrelle Pryor.
*I should probably talk about the Skins before I go. Yes, I was wearing my Offseason Champs t-shirt on Friday night eventhough they did nothing. Shanny was fortunate to get a 4th rounder for Campbell since everyone knew that we were getting rid of him. They had three big needs to address: OL, OLB, and FS. They drafted three offensive lineman and some dude from LSU at OLB which has been deemed a solid pick and a potential starter right away. They signed Anderson Russell out of anOSU after the draft and he could play right away if he wants to. What do you guys think? Can Russell play in the NFL? But really, the Redskins should get at least a B+ for their draft because you have to include Don Burgundy as our second round pick. I'll say that they did alright and I will absolutely jerk off on Grumpy's face if we sign Alan Faneca who was cut for no good reason at all by the Jets.
What did you guys think of the draft? Are everyone's hopes up? Mine are. I yelled Super Bowl after our first round AND fourth round picks! I had never done that before. The Steelers should probably taper theirs though since their locker room is a mess and they drafted two Buckeyes. That's not good for business.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Holy shit. What a first round. I'm writing this right after the Broncos traded up to take Jesus as their third string QB. Damn. That was stupid. Denver is a terrible franchise. Would you rather have Jimmy Clausen and Dez Bryant or Jesus and that kid from Georgia Tech? Al Davis is laughing at the Broncos right now. Let's get some thoughts going on the first 32 picks of an amazingly entertaining draft. By the way, I'm 6 16-oz Bud Light cans in right now.
Fuck ESPN - GOD DAMMIT, STOP GIVING AWAY THE PICKS BEFORE THEY ARE ANNOUNCED, ASSHOLES!!! Fucking annoying. We don't need to see the guys talking on their cells. Why is Tom Jackson even there? He has said about four words tonight. I hate Gruden but him saying "dumbass" on the air was great.
The Skins draft a Silverback - Eh, I would have rather had Okung, but whatever. Trent Williams was gaining steam in the front office over the past few weeks and I trust Shanny when it comes to offensive lineman. Ace texted me that he may need some time to which I replied, "if it means that Donovan dies on the field, I'm fine with that".
The Seahawks OWNED it - Russell Okung AND Earl Thomas? What a fucking home run by Pete Carroll. Just an awesome first round with two cornerstone players.
Frank Gore just became a top 5 pick - Nice work by the Niners as well getting two stud o-lineman. Alex Smith has no excuses now.
Mike Holmgren is still batting .000 - Jake Delhomme. Seneca Wallace. And now he wastes a top ten pick on a nickel corner. The Browns have many needs...cornerback is not one of them. Joe Haden is not going to play over Sheldon Brown and Eric Wright. He just isn't. You don't piss away a top ten pick on a bench player. This was a bad pick. A very bad pick. Earl Thomas would have been great there. Fucking idiots. Still a horrible organization from top to bottom. Way to draft a player who was sliding at a position that you did not need.
Rolando McClain - A surprisingly solid pick by the Raiders. But Li'l Strut and She$ said it best, "LOOK AT ALL THE WHITE WOMEN AROUND MCCLAIN!". I expected it from LS, my wife noticing that was a surprise. It was about this pick that the wife told me to slow down on my beer drinking. Fuck that.
The Bills are still an enigma - I love CJ Spiller, but this was a Browns-esque pick. They didn't need another RB. They had the worst O-Line in the NFL last year...what is another RB going to do to change that?
The Jaguars should be kicked out of the league - Has anyone ever heard of Tyson Alualu? Didn't think so. Just get it over with an move to LA already.
The Eagles done good - I was listening to the venerable Vinny Cerrato on the ESPNRadio pre-draft show and he shockingly made a good point. The Eagles only had one pass rusher in a division that thrives on speed-rushers. Brandon Graham is a perfect fit there. Although when they traded up, it seemed like Thomas was the pick. Good get though, and I think Ace would agree with that.
Brian Bulaga - Funniest comment of the night by the always hilariously concussed Mormon, Steve Young, "He LOOKS like a Green Bay Packer"! HAHAHAHA!!! Why yes, he does look like an unathletic white stiff who will have a heart attack by age 30. Greatest backhanded compliment of the night.
Fuck you, Dallas - God dammit, when Jerry Jones and Bill Belichick do business, nothing good will come of it. And the fucking Cowboys make a great value pick with Dez Bryant. And yes, Bryant will score two touchdowns all season yet get drafted in the top 9 rounds of your fantasy drafts. Don't be that guy who reaches for him.
More Denver backlash - I just can't get over how stupid this team is. They are the new Raiders. When you can take a backup to The Kyle Orton Express AND Fudge-Packer Quinn, YOU MUST DO IT!!!
Jenn Brown and Erin Andrews back-to-back? HELLLLLLLLO, BONER! I was wondering where you went. By the way, the Lions did well with Suh and Jahvid Best. They are officially better than the Bears.
Whatever, I'm going to keep drinking. This is just depressing. I hate the Cowboys and I honestly feel bad for Jimmy Clausen. He deserved better than being picked behind Tebow. He's going to be a good QB. I said it before and I'll say it again: Jimmy Clausen is going to be the best QB in this draft class. The Skins have no picks today unless they dump Fat Albert. Now I'm even more depressed.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Let's be honest, the two biggest assholes in the NBA are KG and JoNo here. There is no debate in this. They are awful people. They deserve nothing but bad things to happen to them and their family. Basically, I would like to begin a discussion on which one is worse. Who would you rather drop with some brass knucks?
The case for Noah: He looks like an asshole. He's half French. He probably smells. He just insulted the most poverty-stricken city in America by complaining about the lack of nightlife eventhough he is a multi-millionaire. His hair is awful. He shoots two-handed. His name is Joakim.
The case for Garnett: He is a poser. His intensity is nothing more than show. He likes to scream obscenities at fans in opposing arenas. He has sucker-punched every white teammate that he has ever played for proving that he is a racist. If it weren't for Paul Pierce and Ray Allen, he would be the biggest loser in sports history not named Marino. He just started a brawl eventhough the Heat were doing nothing but checking on drama queen Pierce. He is the 4th best player on the Celtics yet thinks he's still good.
My vote: Garnett. Someone needs to teach this fuck some humility and put him in his place. He is a first class asshole and thug. You would think that he would soften his dicktitude with age, but Saturday night proved that it's only gotten worse. HE IS A THUG. I hate Kevin Garnett and would pay handsomely to watch some guy tougher than me send him to the hospital with one shot (like Ronnie from Jersey Shore--"YOU GOT KNOCKED OUT WITH ONE SHOT, KID!").
I'm curious, who would you want to see get dropped out of these two malcontents? Enjoy the Draft tonight...I'm thinking about getting a couple of 40's for the big event.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I'm still on vacation. I don't feel like writing a lot. The comments have been horseshit recently anyway (it's true--you do realize that you all are just as important to this site as Ace and I, right? CONTRIBUTE!). I'm not even going to try some convoluted analogy today. I am lazy and I am sort of getting NFL-ed out. I have seen so many of Jon Gruden's retard segments with draftees on ESPN that I strangled the FedEx guy yesterday. First, an unrelated story and then the breakdown of what appears to be an impossible schedule for Mike Shanahan and the boys this Fall.
Coming from a small town, the County Fair was a big deal growing up. When you were young, you loved the rides and the terrible food. In high school, you walked around for a few hours with rolled up sleeves and tried to intimidate other football players from other schools. In hindsight, it was completely lame but it was done anyway. You needed to look cool and giving the "stink-eye" to kids that you don't know was just par for the course.
Anyway, a few friends and I took badassness to an entirely different level. We would walk around the Fair talking shit...to the carnies!!! Fuck them carnival folk. Fuck 'em in the ass. They were all assholes but I will give them credit, they were fun. They would listen to our insults and give it right back. You never wanted to get burned by a carny. That would have been humiliating. So as 17 year olds, one August night, Black and I set out to give it to the 500 pound mastadon running the game with the big hammer that apparently measured strength. It was my turn to burn the Walrus so I Yoda'd her ass.
"My balls, lick 'em"
Out of nowhere, the Mountain running the booth next to the walrus takes a swipe at my shirt. I take off running through the fair. I have no idea why. I did nothing wrong. Sexually harrassing hill-folk is not a crime according to my lawyer friends. But I took off anyway. I run to the other side of the grounds and stop by some friends trying to figure out what just happened. But the Mountain tracked me down without the use of his old huntin' dog and yelled at me from about five feet away in some language only spoken in the depths of Appalachia. I took off again like I was Richard fucking Kimble and there was no way that this asshole was going to catch me. I was in football shape and his blood is thicker than cottage cheese. I eventually get to the parking lot, hid behind some cars, and got the fuck out of there as I had football-imposed curfew anyway.
I found out the following day that the Mountain thought that I stole a prize from the Walrus. No, I just asked her to tea bag me. That is all I wanted. I did not need a stuffed a monkey, just a place to rest my sweaty balls. I've wanted to use this story for months now but could never relate it to anything. So I'm just throwing it against the wall and I KNOW that it's going to stick like a caramel apple.
Speaking of gurgling nuts (I guess it wasn't that hard), YOUR Washington Redskins!!! What a fucking mess. Al Haynesworth is going to get dealt within the next 48 hours. Don Burgundy is campaigning for his mortal enemy to come to town. This just speaks to how terrible Santana Moss is by the way. They keep signing journeyman nose tackles and just traded for uber-bust Adam Carriker (albeit for nothing). And now, the schedule gets released and that's a 6 win year just waiting to happen. If you loved all the primetime games that the Skins had last year, they inexcusably got 3 more this year. We knew that a game against Philly would be a Monday Nighter, but that should be all that a 4-12 gets. Here is how I see the season unfolding.
DALLAS (Sunday Nighter) - Loss
HOUSTON - Win
@ STL - Win
@ PHI - Loss (I have said that I will never go watch the Skins in person again, but this would be one of the toughest NFL tickets around and would be interesting to be in the building for Donovan's return)
GB - Loss
INDY (Sunday Nighter) - Loss
@ CHI - Win
@ DET - Win
PHI (MNF)- Win
@ TEN - Loss
MIN - Loss
@ NYG - Loss
TB - Win
@ DAL - Loss
@ JAX - Loss
NYG - Loss
6-10 and that isn't even incorporating the one game each year that Don Burgundy loses that should have never happened (@ Detroit is this year's game). Best case scenario, 8-8. There are 8 guaranteed losses. I've heard people say that the Skins are a playoff team this year. Really? Not with that fucking schedule. This season is already over. My balls, lick 'em.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
So, I'm getting married in less than four months. Holy shit has the time been flying by. But I have done all of my husbandly duties. I have got the DJ all lined up and he can't possibly be any worse than that ass hole at G Moneys wedding. I got the Limo service all figured out, BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY EVER! Why the fuck do I need a limo? It's just down the road. If I could guarantee that I wouldn't get a drunk in public on the walk from the church to the reception I would totally hoof it with a bottle of Jack as my fuel. Just when I thought everything was coming together, Jesus came and shat on my face.
I had planned on getting married at the chapel at BGSU because it only cost $150 and I refused to cave in to the demands of the church in Naptown. A few weeks ago my mom drops some news on me and says that she has talked to the pastor and he will marry us in the church. You see, Mrs. Ace and I are living in sin because we aren't married and share a residence. And apparently that means we cannot get married in the church or fire and brimstone would rain down upon us...but it's totally cool to rape boys. Anyways, the pastor said that if Mrs. Ace and I would get married courthouse style before our actual wedding ceremony then we could have the ceremony in the church. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but I agreed.
So now, not only to I have to swallow my pride and put away my pentagram, but I have to pay these ass hole's $500 just to get married in the church. My parents church is like the Ben Roethlisberger of churches, it can't turn down a good rape. But whatever. It will make the logistics easier and my mom can stop calling me the Antichrist.
So the other day Mrs. Ace calls up the pastor, a man she has known since she was a small child, to talk about how this is all going down. This ass hole says he wants us to get married, at the courthouse, by the end of the month. As in 10 days. This guy really does think he talks to God. What kind of bullshit is that? And then he wants us to fill out some surveys about shit that I don't want his opinion on and meet up with him to have a discussion that I don't want to have. I'm paying you, dick. This is my show, not yours. I will get married when I damn well please. I have never wanted to burn down a church so bad in my life.
The one good thing that does come of this is that Lil Strut's lovely mother will be the one who legally marries Mrs. Ace and I. And right after she does I plan on having my first affair with her. You know, to show her my appreciation.
I'm not really sure how this whole process is going to go. I'm a goal-oriented kind of guy so I think it is important that I set some benchmarks that I would like to reach throughout. 1) See how many times I can mention the church raping me out of $500 before the pastor either apologizes or admits he uses the money for picking up Johns at the truck stop. 2) Ask the pastor what his plans are for December 21, 2012 and see if he has any inside information on whether or not I should bet on the good guys or the bad guys(I'm leaning bad). 3) When we get to the juicy stuff in the survey, I will refer him to my Pornstar post from about a month ago. I don't think he will have any questions. 4) During this meeting we must have with the pastor, give only one word answers. For example, when he asks me, "How many children do you want to have?" I will reply, "Jesus Juice." 5) See what kind of public displays of affection the pastor finds acceptable. I am fully prepared to dry hump the shit out of Mrs. Ace.
I'll be back to show you how I get down with a registry gun next Tuesday. Science bless you.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Everyone does a mock draft these days and they are largely annoying and unnecessary. And that is exactly why we are doing one here because if there are two qualities that this blog possesses, it is "annoying" and "unnecessary". There is nothing earth shattering with my mock (I don't have Dan LeFevour going in the top ten or anything like that). I just listed all the teams, thought about what their needs are, and started picking. NO ONE HAS DONE THAT BEFORE! I was going to use the Dumb And Dumber pic of Lloyd and Harry doing the "MOCK, YEAH" thing, but since this will likely be embarrassingly wrong, how about a picture of Hollywood's all-time greatest poop instead? That seemed fitting. Let's do this.
1. Rams - QB Sam Bradford, Oklahoma
No contest. This is a no doubter. Never ever ever pass up the chance at a franchise QB. Maybe this will finally make Steven Jackson deserving of a first round fantasy pick, too.
2. Lions - DT Ndamukong Suh, Nebraska
Some people think that the Lions could go with a LT here and those people are retards. We all saw what Suh is capable of and this is a HUGE piece of the Lions frontline which is surprisingly turning into one of the best in the NFL.
3. Buccaneers - DT Gerald McCoy, Oklahoma
I've got to be honest, I keep hearing about how great McCoy is but I've never seen one highlight on him. I'll take the experts word on this one.
4. Redskins - OT Russell Okung, Oklahoma State
SUPER BOWL!!! This is a no-brainer. Although if Vinny Cerrato were still running the show, he would have taken Jevan Snead here.
5. Chiefs - S Eric Berry, Tennessee
I thought about this one for a long time and decided to pick the stud safety over the tackle. Think about it, they will still be able to get a good lineman at the top of round 2. They aren't getting a superior replacement for fucking Mike Brown that late. Sorry, Browns fans, you get screwed over again.
6. Seahawks - OT Trent Williams, Oklahoma
Walter Jones has finally been replaced. Now if they could just get that Jim Mora Jr. stink out of the locker room...
7. Browns - S Earl Thomas, Texas
Now, if the draft goes down like the way I predict, I fully expect the Browns to trade down here. But since I can't do that, a very solid safety would be a good option for them. I still think that they should do whatever it takes (mortgage the ranch!) to move up to 1 and take Sammy.
8. Raiders - DE Jason Pierre-Paul, South Florida
I am a fan of betting on NFL football yet forecasting what the Raiders might do would be the worst bet on the planet. They probably still have Howie Long on their board. A freak pass rusher sounds like someone that Al Davis would want.
9. Bills - OT Brian Bulaga, Iowa
They would be wise to upgrade the worst O-Line in the league. And Bulaga might be the only player that would consider Buffalo a step up from Iowa City.
10. Jaguars - LB Rolando McClain, Alabama
They have young ends, tackles, and DB's. It's time to get a leader for the defense. McClain seems like he could have a career along the lines of what London Fletcher has had.
11. Broncos - WR Dez Bryant, Oklahoma State
They just dumped Brandon Marshall for a bag of soiled dicks. Bryant has all the talent in the world and while he fucked up with the NCAA, he was never in trouble with the law. Seems like a good fit here.
12. Dolphins - DT Dan Williams, Tennessee
The key to every 3-4 defense is a big fat clogging machine in the middle. Congratulations on your new nickname, Dan.
13. 49ers - CB Joe Haden, Florida
This is about the right spot for him. His poor combine may have scared teams away but he is still the best corner in the draft. He would do well playing alongside Nate Clements in Fagville.
14. Seahawks - RB CJ Spiller, Clemson
I probably would never pay to watch the Seahawks play, but with Spiller in the mix, I would strongly consider buying a ticket. He's this year's Chris Johnson and already 100 times better than Julius Jones.
15. Giants - OG Mike Iupati, Idaho
You know, the Giants really are a team in decline eventhough no one is saying it. That OL is getting old. An upgrade on that front would serve them well.
16. Titans - DE Derrick Morgan, Georgia Tech
I keep reading that this guy reminds people of Jevon Kearse. Jeff Fisher drafted that way once, I see him doing it again. Unless he wants to trade this pick for Haynesworth...which I would be fine with.
17. 49ers - QB Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame
A really good spot for Jimmy. Hell, he can't be any worse than Alex Smith, can he? I still think that Clausen will be a good player and throwing to Crabtree and Vernon Davis for the next ten years would certainly help.
18. Steelers - OT Anthony Davis, Rutgers
Good value pick here. The Steelers finally address the fact that Willie Colon is terrible and Big Ben gets a new lineman to take out and shake his dick at.
19. Falcons - DE/LB Brandon Graham, Michigan
This might be the best pick in the draft. Graham is a freaking stud and having he and John Abraham both coming off the edges...holy shit. Someone is going to get killed. This really is a perfect fit.
20. Texans - CB Darren McCourty, Rutgers
Some people think that Houston goes with a RB here. I do not. Remember, Gary Kubiak is from Shanahan's coaching tree and that means not drafting a RB in the first round. They lost Dunta Robinson to ATL, it would benefit them to replace him.
21. Bengals - TE Jermaine Gresham, Oklahoma
Another solid fit here as the Bengals have terrible tight ends and Gresham is a flat out stud. Knowing how the Bengals draft though, expect them to take someone from USC since that is all they do. And never forget that John Cooper is a scout for Cincy.
22. Patriots - DE/LB Sergio Kindle, Texas
The Pats LB's were rotten last year and Kindle would look good next to Jerod Mayo. He can get to the QB, too, which is good news because Chad Henne deserves to get hit hard.
23. Packers - C/G Maurkice Pouncey, Florida
OK, Aaron Rodgers is a stud and we all know it. They better invest in protecting his ass. This pick makes a ton of sense.
24. Eagles - LB Sean Weatherspoon, Missouri
Philly's linebacking corps is shit. A good MLB would be a nice start for them. He probably is the best player on the board for me.
25. Ravens - S Taylor Mays, USC
Mays can't cover anyone. He makes Roy Williams look like Ronnie Lott. But he could be good in run support while Ed Reed patrols the secondary. Regardless of skills, anyone that can hit hard can play for Baltimore.
26. Cardinals - DT Jared Odrick, Penn State
I don't expect to see the Cardinals drafting this late into the first round again any time soon. I know nothing about this guy except that he is currently considered a "riser".
27. Cowboys - OT Bruce Campbell, Maryland
This seems like the kind of guy that Jerrah Jones would love. A freak talent who underachieved in college. Now that Flozell is gone, time to get someone else in there at LT who sucks.
28. Chargers - RB Ryan Matthews, Fresno State
It was either Matthews of Jahvid Best here. Matthews is better. But they are both better than Tomlinson.
29. Jets - DT Terrence Cody, Alabama
How happy do you think Rex Ryan will be to draft a DT that weighs 700 pounds? Mt. Cody will make his defense even better. It will have no weaknesses other than Jim Leonhard now.
30. Vikings - CB Kyle Wilson, Boise State
Since Favre is definitely coming back (and sent his teammates a pair of Wranglers to prove it), they really don't have a ton of weaknesses. But you can never have too many cover guys.
31. Colts - DT Brian Price, UCLA
The Colts can be run on. Price is a beast. This makes a lot of sense to me.
32. Saints - DE/LB Jerry Hughes, TCU
Gregg Williams would love a guy like this with his ability to get to the QB. Although a replacement for Darren Sharper at safety (maybe Nate Allen from USF?) could be the move here.
If you didn't notice, I left Tim Tebow off of my mock. Do you know why? Because unlike fat idiot, Peter King, I know that he is not a first round pick. For those of you who love to bet on sports, it is a freaking lock that he is not taken in the top 32 picks.
Well there it is and it wasn't hard to do. I can't wait for Thursday night. I will continue my ten-plus year tradition of screaming "SUPER BOWL" after the Skins make their pick. It's my favorite time of year.
Friday, April 16, 2010
A few quick topics to address and a handful of playoff predictions and then I'm going to call it a week. I'm on vacation all of next week and am currently working on this sites upcoming mock draft (to be released Monday or Wednesday). Let's get this going:
>"with his penis already out of his pants" - Have you had the chance to read the summary of the Big Ben investigative report? Holy shit, it is a miracle that he was not charged here. Deadspin has the juiciest details. I am sort of offended by this because this is exactly how I won She$ over. I just walked up to her, dick already flapping in the breeze, and she was putty in my hands. It is a truly romantic move. But that's the thing...THAT'S MY MOVE! How dare he! I want a formal apology for not getting the credit that I deserve. However, I have never announced "all my bitches, take some shots" at a bar. It's hard to buy shots for people when you constantly have to worry about your exposed junk. Let's hope that we no longer have to discuss this topic as it's getting old and all of the Steelers retards begging that he be traded, you are fucking stupid and know nothing about football.
>The NCAA is RAY-CESS! - Ummm, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. College football turns a blind eye to all of Tim Tebow's biblical eye-strips for the past few years, but now that he's gone, they ban them. Weak. So apparently you can't have writing on your strips anymore which is pretty much the Terrelle Pryor Rule. This would never have been an issue if he didn't glorify a felon and fire back with his brilliant "steal from you, steal from me" comments. And this is sad because I was optomistic that that retard would try to top the Vick strip this year. Maybe "OBAMACARE" or "BIN LADEN" or "RAE CARRUTH" or maybe even "COCAINE IS GREAT". You know, shit that midwesterners would hate. The sky truly was the limit for how stupid this kid could become and it's a damn shame that the NCAA put a stop to this. Oh, and the rule that touchdowns can be taken away for showboating is a fucking joke. Remember my post from yesterday that Grumpy didn't understand because he still listens to Perry Como? Yeah, this rule is going to be disaster. Sports are supposed to be fun but the NCAA disagrees apparently.
>NBA Playoff Predictions - Dut has always said that I shouldn't talk about pro basketball until the playoffs start. Well, the playoffs start tomorrow. I like to think that I'm less than 2 months away from a Cavs championship but I also like to think that I will win the Mega Millions so who knows. MUDawg wanted these, here they are (just first round series though):
Cavs over Bulls in 4 - LeBron does not rust. Say goodnight, Vinny Del Baio.
Celtics over Heat in 5 - This series does not interest me at all due to my large hatred of Wade, Sheed, KG, Pierce, and Sheed again.
Magic over Bobcats in 7 - I think that Larry Brown pushes this as far as he can...but they won't win.
Hawks over Bucks in 5 - I don't Fear The Deer now that Bogut is done. If he wasn't, the Bucks would pull the upset.
Lakers over Thunder in 7 - You should try to watch this series. If you can only watch one series, this should be it. Not for Durantula and Kobe though, but for Byron Mullens.
Nuggets over Jazz in 7 - This one could be pretty solid, too. Melo is the best player though. Kosta Koufos is a close second. Money Shot mascots be representin'!
Mavericks over Spurs in 6 - I hate the Spurs. Tony Parker tried to blow me the other week. True story.
Suns over Blazers in 5 - Whatever. I'm not going to watch this unless I'm drinking.
I like chalk in the first round. Dig through the archives though and you will notice that I picked the 8 seed Warriors to beat Dallas two years ago. I am wise.
>Half-assed hockey predictions - I only watch Blue Jackets games so it's obvious that I know nothing about hockey. I do know that the Sharks always suck in the playoffs and the Penguins are playing like horseshit. I'm going to pick the best team and the hottest team to make it to the Stanley Cup Finals: Capitals and Red Wings. The fucking Coyotes aren't beating the Wings. Buffalo and Chicago are my second choices though.
That's it. I need to focus on my dinner tonight for the missus and I are taking Paul Keels advice by going to hammer some Montgomery Inn ribs tonight. Dear Ribs, you are fucked. I'll be back on Monday as long as I do not develop a case of post-ribs mud butt.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Back in the glory days of 1985, the Monsters of the Midway were dominating on the football field and hair metal was as popular as ever. Stop laughing...it's true. The Bears were once good and Bret Michaels was more than just a reality TV douche. It was that year that iconic metal man, Ronnie James Dio, decided that hair bands needed to start actually helping people. The man who reportedly invented the "devil horns" gesture decided to rip off "We Are The World" with his own amalgam of good deeds, horseshit, and even more horseshit.
So he decided to gather a bunch of heavy hitters from the world of metal to do a benefit album for famine in Africa. I don't know if it was for famine to stop or continue, but either way, the idea was out there. As you can see from the accompanying picture, a shitload of rockers showed up (whether they did so because they wanted to or if it was court-ordered, we will never know). This collaboration was cutely known as "Hear 'N Aid". Retarded name aside, their big single was titled "Stars". It is the worst song/video I've ever seen. Go ahead, take 8 minutes out of your life to watch this musical fetus. I'll wait.
Terrible, wasn't it? I don't know what made me laugh the most. Was it Dio being the only one who took this project seriously? Was it the unnecessary guitar solos from forty different guys that stretched out a 2 minute song to 7:12? Was it the random appearance of Spinal Tap? Was it the guy from Quiet Riot being a gaping asshole with his pink jacket? Or was it just a ton of "metal" artists standing on risers and singing along to the dipshittiest lyrics ever written? Either way, this blew. I like hairbands, but I can point to THIS fucking idea as the beginning of the end of this wild and crazy musical genre. It was a great idea as helping the less fortunate usually is, but the follow through was vomit-inducing. Basically, the concept went to shit quicker with each junkie that agreed to do the project.
Now, with the foundation for this post being laid, let's talk about Roger Goodell who will be playing the role of Ronnie James Dio in today's post. We may even refer to him as "Holy Ginger" as well (for the record, the best Dio song ever is "Man on the Silver Mountain" but that is beside the point). So Goodell is in a bit of a tight spot here with this whole Big Ben fiasco. They had their meeting and now the decision is in his hands. He really only has two options: you either suspend the guy for conduct detrimental to the league's image or you do nothing. Option 1 is tricky since there have been no charges filed against him and would lead to a surefire war with the player's union. Option 2 is just as devious because it could be turned into a race issue. Holy Ginger is in a tough spot. How do you rule on this and make it for the greater good of the NFL?
But this had me thinking, this is nothing new for Goodell. Tough decisions appear to be Goodell's middle name. He has been in charge for almost 5 years now and has tried to make his league more appealing to the fans while enhacing the on-field product. The League is his Hear 'N Aid and we the fans are the broke-ass Africans. He wants to do something nice for us, but I've realized that all he is really doing is making "Stars". Over and over and over again. When it comes down to it, Holy Ginger has had 8 major tweaks during his tenure as commissioner and they have ALL sucked. Let's go down the list:
1. The new Pro Bowl! No one still played in it anyway and the best players on the best teams had to be replaced with guys from the Redskins and Jaguars. Would they have played had things stayed the same? Probably not but anytime that David Garrard is playing in an all-star game, that is a massive failure.
2. European expansion! Have you met anyone who likes this idea? Regular season games in London make about as much sense as playing cricket matches in Chicago.
3. He is talking about shitting on the World Series! This just came out yesterday, but the league is talking about putting a SNF game on against game 3 of the World Series. Why would you do this? There is no reason to piss off the other leagues. This is just pure ego.
4. The NFL Network disaster! I am one of the 12 people in the country that gets this network yet the league insists on putting 6-8 games per year on it. Either settle with EVERY cable company or don't show live games. It isn't that hard.
5. Playing a Super Bowl in New Jersey! Nothing beats a zero degree wind chill for the crown jewel of sports. There is a reason why the IOC doesn't have the summer Olympics in Siberia and it's because normal people don't like sitting outside in February for five hours.
6. Overtime! Just because Don Burgundy doesn't know the rules, does not mean that they need to be changed. I still don't get why this needed to be done. You already get 11-12 possessions per game yet somehow it's unfair if you don't get another one? And if you don't think that this rule is only in place because of Favre and Peyton, you are a fucking idiot.
7. Secret coin flips! I found this to just be absurd. Both the Giants and Jets wanted the first game in the new Meadowlands. Fine, whatever, I can see the reasons why they would want that. So Holy Ginger calls them up and says that the Giants will get it because...he just flipped a coin in his office! How scientific and good job not informing the teams that that was your plan.
8. The three day Draft! I was initially on board with this idea but now that the Draft is next week, I'm starting to hate it. NFL Draft Saturday was always one of my favorite days of the year and now it's reserved for the 4th-7th rounds. Fuck that. This isn't fan-friendly, it's a cash grab for more advertising and sponsorship. I have shit to do during the week (I'm umping Thursday and Friday next week), thanks for worrying about your fans, you daywalking colostomy bag.
This is Goodell's package to us. This is the first five years of his run as commissioner. Be honest, what did we need as fans? We need nothing. The game was fine the way it was. Sometimes, it's better to leave well enough alone. I have no faith in Holy Ginger to improve the watch-ability of the league. He is proving that he does not care about the fans at all. You know the adage, "nothing gold can stay"? Well, the NFL is not invincible. Eventually, it's popularity will take a hit. It could be starting now. Roger Goodell could be to the NFL what Stars was to hair metal. Sometimes, it's OK to let the famine remain in Africa.
Who cries for the children...I do.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
No sports today...unless you count hunting a sport. I do not. But I need to vent so here we go.
Last Fall, I made the conscious decision to have a nice lawn this year. At the first sign that Spring was breaking through, I got some high class fertilizer down. The kind of fertilizer that rich people use. This was no poor man's shit. I had the good shit. The only problems were that my dipshit neighbor's dandelions have migrated over and the grass grows about an inch per hour right now. I have no issues mowing the grass as it only takes me twenty minutes and it's much better than snow removal. The fact that I have to mow more was not going to stop me from having a lawn that you wouldn't mind taking home to your mother. So now that the table has been set, let's get into the part where you point and laugh at me. Trust me, the following passage will illustrate all too well how big of a cunt I am.
I get the lawnmower out a few weeks for the first cut of the year. The grass is thick and I'm not really paying attention so I notice nothing. I think I see a hole in the ground in the backyard by the pine trees, but I can't tell for sure. Whatever. The job is done, time to go beat off.
Last Wednesday, the grass needed cut again so I take care of the front and sides first and then head out back. I'm looking closer at the hole this time and--holy shit--SOMETHING IS FUCKING MOVING IN THERE! I couldn't tell what it was, but frankly, I didn't WANT to know what the fuck it was. You see, I am deathly afraid of snakes. I suffer from the same condition as Indiana Jones...we hate snakes. Poisonous or not, snakes are creepy as shit. I wasn't about to wait around and find out what it was so I left the mower in the yard and ran inside like a pre-pubescent girl. After a few minutes, I realized that I had to do SOMETHING. (Trust me, you are going to like this part.) So I fill a bucket with the wife's potting soil for some reason and head back out to the yard. From about ten feet away (as that is the closest I was going to get), I start heaving the dirt onto the hole. This accomplished nothing as you can imagine. So I rummaged around the garage and found what I wanted: a jug full of insect poison. I figured "it's called poison, dammit, it's going to do some fucking damage". I head back out and dump the entire two gallons on the mound of potting soil. That was that for the night. I prayed that that worked.
Thursday, I invite Swiney over to help me get over my fears and find whatever is haunting my backyard (and hopefully take care of the King Cobra that lives in my dirt). He was not too keen about helping me with this which made him virtually worthless. All day long at work, I'm thinking about what I'm going to do because I can't just ignore this problem. I'm having anxiety attacks like Tony Soprano. It's going to fucking make a home in my yard if I don't do something to stop it. So we head out and here I am swinging a shovel like it's a goddamn sledgehammer hoping that I hit something that may or may not even be there. I do not hit anything but loose, poison-laced potting soil. We look around and it appears that yesterday's filled hole is now empty. Shit.
I did nothing on Friday so it was up to Saturday for round 3. I get home from umpiring and find a bottle of weed-and-feed in the garage. My thinking was, "how can you go wrong with MORE POISON!" So I try to flood the hole with weedkiller. Look, I'm not a killer. I'll eat the shit out of animals (that didn't come out right), but I don't want to see them killed. It's the pussiest part of me. I do not want blood on my hands. But I have no problem dumping chemicals in a hole and hoping that that does the job. Because I didn't kill it...THE POISON DID!!!
Oh, I almost forgot to say that after Wednesdays poisoning, I thought I heard baby birds chirping from the hole (as if they were in pain). I have no idea if birds ever bury their eggs in a hole or not, but it sure as shit sounded like it. Anyway, on Saturday, She$ calls her handy father and asks what he thinks it might be. His guesses are either a rabbit or a snake. As soon as the "S" word was muttered, my bowels vacated and I tried to get our house on the market. We had to move. Now Sunday, I tell the story to my mother and she thinks it's a "vole" which is a mole the size of a mouse. There is a species that is attracted toward pine trees and that would make a lot of sense. You can learn a lot by googling voles. I am probably the only who has ever done this.
The last two days have been nothing but me coming home from work and spraying gallons of water from the hose to the hole hoping to flush the little bastard(s) out. So far, nothing. This is starting to get frustrating. I want whatever it might be GONE. Quit fucking with my pussy, you bitch! Today, I have to mow again. I will not be a bitch any more. I will not let this hole ruin my life.
I don't care what it is. Vole, snake, birds, rabbit--fuck you all. You will not stop me. I've already cut Chris Volstad from my fantasy baseball team. I mailed a box of shit to Kenny Stabler. I burned a cross in front of Larry Bird's house. I dumped a hundred boxes of Trix into the Olentangy River. I am focused now. I have controlled my fears. Whatever you are, you WILL be destroyed. I don't care if I have to dump a gallon of gas into that hole and set the fucking thing on fire.
Burning down my house would be worth it for the peace of mind of not having a critter in my yard other than my neighbors dog who apparently loves to shit on our property. I will not be bullied by something 1/500th my size. And when I find out exactly what the terrorist is that has me afraid to go outside, I will smash it's fucking head in with my snow shovel.
Unless it's a snake. It can have my fucking house. I'm moving. I'm not going to need it anymore if we are infested with snakes. I'm not trying to be a hero here. I've seen Anaconda. If a snake can take down Ice Cube, I've got no fucking chance.
In conlusion, I am a little girl.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
NOT!!! I'm a dick, but I'm not that big of a dick. But knowing how pissed off you are right now that I'm not actually posting a live blog of the bachelor party brings me great joy. I live to let you down. Instead of talking about all the debauchery and titty sprinkles from this weekend, I'm here to talk some NFL. It has been over a week since the NFL was discussed around these parts, when G Money's all time least favorite quarterback became DC's "savior." That is fucking hilarious and it will be until the end of time. You know what else is hilarious? The Steelers.
First, lets talk about that trade. Santonio Holmes gets traded to the Jets for a sack of GRID dicks. I'm not a big fan of Holmes, but what the fuck are the Steelers thinking? He's 26 and coming off his best year yet, not to mention he was the fucking Super Bowl MVP, and you dump him for a 5th round pick? I understand he has his issues. I know he is suspended for the first four games. Still, that's just fucking stupid. Hines Ward isn't getting any younger. Limas Sweed is...Limas Sweed. Seems like a terrible move. Meanwhile, the Jets are making a run to win now and it is basically costing them jack shit. But anything that helps Rex Ryan, I am all for.
The real story, Big Ben got let off the hook yesterday for immorally/illegally pillaging some pussy in Millyvegas. I don't really care whether or not he was charged, we all know what the fuck happened. If you don't believe me, take a gander at the District Attorney's presser where he absolutely PWNED Roethlisberger.
And then take a look at the transcript of the entire presser here for some additional Q & A. I'm a big fan of these lines:
One of the bodyguards guided the victim down a back hallway. Mr. Roethlisberger followed her down the hallway into a small bathroom. The issue is what happened in that small, less than five-foot-wide, single-commode bathroom, between Mr. Roethlisberger and the victim.There is one good thing I have to say about Big Ben, he hires good help. Nothing like a wingman to set up your sexual assault. And another one of my faves:
Noted in there report was a superficial laceration and bruising and light bleeding in the genital area.RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! Listen, I'm no doctor, and I can understand how this isn't enough to press criminal charges, but holy fucking shit, he raped her. End of story. This guy is a fucking scumbag. Every Sunday I will root for him to be a quadriplegic. Fuck him. And yes, he paid her off.
Did you see his statement? Did that look like an innocent man to you? At least when he banged Mr. Ed in Vegas he came out with some fucking stones and denied it totally. You didn't see any of that shit yesterday. Did you see that ass holes hair? It's like a fucking carny gangster mullet. Seriously, he is a mustache away from the sexual predator registry cover.
After this, of course the Steelers have to get rid of this guy, right? Nope. But they did trade Santonio Holmes...for a drug policy related suspension(Pot, duh) and throwing a drink at a lady. At least we know where the Steelers draw the line. Throwing a glass in some woman's face=NOT OK. Raping and forcefully violating sexual organs=OK. So they trade Holmes and keep a fucking rapist around, and Rooney still has the audacity to drop this line, "The Pittsburgh Steelers take the conduct of players and staff very seriously." Remember when Tomlin dropped the ol' "The Steelers standards for their players are above and beyond that of our peers?" It was just a month ago. That's fucking hilarious. The Steelers are no different than any other organization. Morals or standards don't mean shit to them and it's fucking laughable that they are putting on this facade while having a rapist as their starting quarterback. Fuck you Pittsburgh. And fuck you before you even say anything Grump, don't you dare come to this organizations defense.
The Steelers are going to be a train wreck this year and I cannot wait. Here's to hoping Roethlisberger dies on the field in Cleveland...and then they nuke that shit hole.
Monday, April 12, 2010
With a loaded leaderboard in Augusta, it’s only fair that we crank out a four hour-plus live blog, no? I mean, Ace did one on Monday night for 2.5 hours and I’m twice as great as him. So let’s do this. The theme for today is “ABP: Anyone But Phil”. I hate Phil Mickelson. I wish that he was aborted. I do not care if a homo like Ian Poulter wins as long as it’s not Phil. After yesterday’s highly entertaining round, let’s hope that we can keep that going today. I just ran two miles (seriously!) and I'm pumped for this. Might as well get this going…
2:08 HELLO FRIENDS!!! God, I hate Jim Nantz. How many different species of farm animals do you think that he has ejaculated in? I’m guessing at least 14. Nick Faldo should be required to wear an Indiana Jones hat at all times. I really like Faldo.
2:09 Fuck this. I don’t give a shit about Butler Cabin yet. I’ll be back at 2:30 when some old bigot yells out, “FO’ PLEASE, TIG-UH WOOD” at the first tee box.
2:23 Arnold Palmer’s swing always makes me laugh. MY SWING IS BETTER, YOU OLD FUCK!
2:27 "Anthony Kim played the slope well"--these are the sorts of things that make me laugh maniacally.
2:30 Nice drive, Tiger. Joslyn James could have hit it straighter. That doesn't make any sense.
2:32 Does anyone not like Fred Couples? Seems like a nice guy to me.
2:33 Nick Faldo just said that Eric Clapton was the best (I assume) guitarist. Clearly, Mr. Faldo has never heard of a certain Mr. CeCe Deville.
2:35 Only 4 minutes of commercials per hour today. Ironically, CBS plays only 4 minutes of basketball in between 56 minutes of commercials during March Madness.
2:39 Early prediction - KJ Choi wins.
2:42 McLimans: Why would you not want Phil to win? G$: Because he is a skidmark.
2:50 Fuck. Phildo is going to be in the lead as Westwood looks like he's ready to shit his knickers.
2:52 Can someone please get Ricky Barnes a real hat? What a fag.
2:57 Tiger is terrible. Couldn't even get out of the sand on 2. And why is he wearing backwards and upside down sunglasses? Since when was Chris DiMarco a trendsetter?
3:00 My Boy Choi (who be now known as MBC) is only two back now! Am I the only one out there who likes those LaChoy chow mein noodle-thingys? And Freddy C is now two back as well.
3:05 Please stop talking about the fucking flowers.
3:08 Hunter Mahan is wearing women's sunglasses. I always enjoy seeing men pick from the Gloria Vanderbilt collection.
3:09 Please keep fucking up Phil, Phil's putter. You are doing the Lord's work.
3:11 "Look at that slope behind KJ Choi"--WATCH YOUR BACK, MBC!!!
3:19 If CBS wants people to turn to another channel, keep showing Scott Verplank, idiots. No one cares about that guy.
3:24 David Feherty just queried if Tiger was becoming too much of a Buddhist. I have no idea where he was going with that as Tiger bogeys again. He's done.
3:29 Matteo Mannassero...that's a fun name to say. And Nantz just informed us that he will be LIVE in Butler Cabin in a few hours!!!
3:34 Through the first hour of this live journal, Boom Boom is playing the best. That would be something if that old man won.
3:35 Westwood bogies to tie Phil at -11. If you ever wanted to know what Lester Worm Murphy looks like, he resembles Westwood if Lee wasn't British or a Rams fan.
3:37 Nantz just said "false front" and that is my favorite stupid golf term ever.
3:38 Tiger bogies again. Faldo says that "he's all sixes and sevens". I have no idea what that means. Maybe he was watching Austin Powers last night.
3:41 YES! Highlights of one of my favorite golfers ever...MIGUEL ANGEL JIMINEZ!!! He has the best posture on tour.
3:46 The "Phil Flop" is gayer than nutting on another dude's face.
3:49 MBC has got it to 10-under!!! Best Asian not named Asia Carrera ever!
3:51 Ryan Moore with a hole in one. Always a great watch. JBeanie claims to have made one of these before but he is a sack of shit.
3:57 TIGER WITH AN EAGLE!!! He has officially traded in the spread eagle for the golf equivalent.
4:02 By the way, I watched the movie "Sugar" last night about a kid from the Dominican Republic trying to make it to the big leagues. It was outstanding. It's on HBO now and I recommend it as long as you are OK with subtitles. And not to be one of those guys, but The Blind Side is MUCH better as a book than a movie. I said "that never happened" at least ten times.
4:05 My wife ate my Nestle Crunch Bar. Excuse me while I put her in the hospital.
4:08 Adam Scott is such a loser. But he does look alot like James Badge Dale (The Pacific, 24, The Departed).
4:10 Westwood just damn near holed out from the sand on whatever hole they were on. Amazing bunker shot that I could never do.
4:17 I've hit a lull. I'm starting to get bored. Something awesome needs to happen like a Woods Eagle or a sniper shooting Phil's head off.
4:21 Tiger is back to 8-under. He's not going to win but being close helps keep me focused. Well, that and the announcers talking about slopes.
4:23 MBC IS ONE SHOT BACK!!! My pick to click is looking really solid.
4:27 Boom Boom Boom Boom! The Vengaboys and Couples are at 10 under!
4:30 "Couples gets the full respect of the slope"...RESPECT FRED, YOU DUMB CHINAMAN! And Mickelsuck ties for the lead.
4:35 Another birdie for The Big Tig-bowski!!! Hellooooooo, Ladies!!!
4:38 It's been awhile since I've mentioned how much I hate Jim Nantz. How great would it be if Gus Johnson did this? HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
4:42 Fab 5 Freddy is 2 back! Thanks, Geritol!
4:44 We're halfway home (Johnny Hildo leads by one) and my ass is killing me. STEP IT UP, RECLINER!
4:49 Phil's shit driver sends him into the woods on ten. I love how this moron still thinks that he's a good driver.
4:50 MBC TIES THE LEAD!!! Holy shit, this might be my best pick ever in any sport.
4:54 First reference to Amen Corner today. I hate that name.
4:55 According to Nantz, Tiger is wearing sunglasses because of the heavy pollen. There is no way that that is true.
4:58 So far Phil's terrible tee shots aren't killing him. This angers me.
5:00 Freddy C is a shit putter.
5:02 Annnnnnd Couples is in the water on 12. Time to head back to the Champions Tour now. He will NOT be heading to Butler Cabin today.
5:06 Tiger just hit a tree...he's just like me!!!
5:12 Tiger with a bogey on 11. Clearly he has not been inspired by the greatness of My Boy Choi.
5:13 On Friday, I went to the Blue Jackets final game of the season against the Red Wings. Commenter Drew was there. He was put on the jumbotron in the third period happily drinking his beer. What an asshole. Speaking of assholes, Red Wings fans are assholes.
5:31 What did I miss? I just had to do my weekly talk with my mother. Phil is in lead? Bollocks.
5:32 Woods just lips out another eagle. Damn. What the hell has gotten into Anthony Kim? I wasn't gone that long. He's at 12-under. He must be utilizing the slope.
5:35 Oh, I've got the perfect headline if Westwood wins..."LEE MAJORS". Or if Mickelson wins..."THIS GUY PH-UCKING SUCKS".
5:42 Suckelson is the luckiest player alive. He's just like Rex Grossman. No matter where he is, fuck it, let's throw it deep. He makes me sick.
5:48 Westwood is a shoe-in to make The Big Book of British Smiles.
5:49 PHIL PISSES AWAY AN EASY EAGLE!!! That's more like it. He's up two through 13 though and that ain't too cool.
5:50 MBC is letting his most important fan down with back-to-back bogeys. Go back to Korea, zipperhead!
6:02 I'm beginning to run out of steam here. Westwood with a HUGE par save at 14. Come on, you British prick!
6:04 Woods with an eagle...whatever. Kim is the leader in the clubhouse at 12-under. I don't think that that will be enough. I blame his stupid white pants and white belt.
6:15 God dammit, Fuckstick Magee is going to win this thing. This is stupid. People that cheer for Mickelson should be killed.
6:18 Phil up 3 with 3 left. Did you know that Mickelson was the mastermind behind 9/11? It's true.
6:21 One of the patrons on 18 is wearing a Peyton Manning jersey. Way to dress up for Sunday at The Masters, you white trash queef.
6:27 Why is Phil wearing a watch? Does he need to know what time it is? Does he have something better to do...like give his loved ones cancer again. Because he did that, you see. The man is pure evil.
6:33 I'm looking forward to seeing how many cigarette burns are on Angel Cabrera's green jacket.
6:34 Ooooooh Westwood hasn't quit yet like I have. He's still got a chance since Phil usually finishes final rounds with the hands around his throat.
6:36 Tiger finishes 11-under with a bird on 18. What an amazing weekend for him. I know that I didn't see him playing that well. So goes the power of Uchitel-ian vagina.
6:39 Westwood birdies 17, Mickelson pars. Damn. Hoping that it would get to a one stroke lead going into 18. Time for Fucko to fire one into the woods.
6:44 Hilarious. Tiger didn't answer any of Peter Kostas' questions. That made my day.
6:46 Fuck. Westwood needs to make his second shot just to have a chance at a playoff.
6:47 Nope. This is over. In case these past 2,000 or so words have not been clear enough, I hate Phil Mickelson. I'm pretty sure that he's best friends with Glenn Beck and Bernie Madoff. I will NOT be sticking around to see the annual Jim Nantz creepy smile inside Butler Cabin this year.
6:49 Speaking of which, I wonder what sort of stupid catchphrase Nantz has for win he sinks his winning putt. I've got my guess: Phil Mickelson...IS THE TITS! It works on many different despicable levels.
6:52 Mickelson wins, we all lose. "That's a win for the family"--Jim Nantz is a disgrace.
6:53 You got damn near 5 hours out of me today. Consider yourself lucky. I'm going to go hang myself now. GOODBYE, FRIENDS!