Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Future Kyrgyzstan League MVP!


Nothing too thought provoking today as I am focusing my energy on the two part MLB preview tomorrow and Friday. Let's just say that there will be some special guests stopping by for that. And by "special" I mean full blown Simple Jack's. When I checked the site yesterday morning and read what Ace wrote about, I was surprised that he ignored such a juicy topic coming out of Ann Arbor.

Manny Harris has decided to turn pro. The Free Press says that he has hired an agent and everything! It's official. He is gone from the Wolverines basketball program. First of all, who in the Hell is advising this kid to leave school early? Second, who is advising this kid that he actually has a pro-level skill set? Third, WHAT THE FUCK IS HE THINKING? Harris is about as average as they come. He can't play in the NBA. He probably will need a few more years to be ready for the NBDL! A guy with no hands could count the number of great games Harris had this year on none of his fingers. He was awful.

Don't believe me? Here's something to chew on. Draft Express has Manny rated as the 26th best Junior. In their top 100 list of prospects, he checks in at an impressive #96! So unless David Stern adds two more rounds to the draft this year, HELLO EASTERN BLOC BASKETBALL LEAGUE!!! Other than Raymar Morgan, has anyone got consistently worse as they got older? Not since Money Shot mascots, BJ Mullens and KoKo, has anyone been less ready to play with the big boys.

Congratulations, Manny, I consider you to be better than the Mullens' and Koufos's of the world. That might be the worst complement that I've ever given.
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Also, it's time for Charlie Coles to step down as head coach at Miami. I've seen enough. We are already going to be shitty next year anyway and it doesn't help matters that 2 of our four better returning guards have decided to transfer to shit NAIA schools. Basically, they would rather pay thousands of dollars to play in front of a handful of fans as opposed to playing for free in front of...two dozen fans. Rumor has it that a third player is leaving as well. If you are counting at home, this is TEN players that have left Oxford via transfer over the past five years. That is a full fucking roster that has left the program. One a year? I can live with that. TWO per season, unacceptable. Absolutely unacceptable.

Over the past ten years, this program has remained stagnant. They win anywhere from 15-18 games per season, always play a tough schedule, fail to beat any of the big opponents, earn a first round bye in the conference tournament, and lose in the semifinals. It's the same goddamn thing every fucking year. It has to end. Let's not confuse consistency with mediocrity. This proud program is being flushed down the toilet before my eyes and very few people see it happening. They will never fire Charlie because he works for peanuts and everyone likes him, but something needs to be done. And it needs to start at the top. Charlie must go. Actually, if we're cleaning house, our horseshit AD who continually ignores the basketball team should be catapulted out of town first.

There needs to be a new voice, a new face of the program. I'm tired of looking at the schedule in the preseason and being able to predict our end of the season record within a few games before the first tip. It's bullshit and I'm tired of it.
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OK, then. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I suppose since I'm not talking college hoops the rest of the week, I probably should get my Final Four picks in. Damman, consider these my picks for your pool: Butler to win by 4 and Duke to win by 11.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Whooo, NFL Offseason Training is Here! Plus a Bonus Story

The college basketball season is officially over, I don't care what you say. I have seen all that I needed to see, the Final Four is irrelevant. (What I will say though, if Tom Izzo goes to Oregon I will get a Spartan tattooed on my scrotum--it will go great next to my "Kathy" tat on my taint.) Thankfully, the NFL offseason is coming into full swing, both on and off the field. So lets talk some football...and I've got special little story to give you some insight into what I deal with everyday.

Well, Overtime has been changed folks. What do we think? I actually like the change. I don't know if anything really needed to be done, but if something was going to be done then this was probably the way to go. Since the NFL has changed the kickoff point was moved from the 35 yard line to the 30, the team that received the ball in OT has won the game nearly %60 of the time. Before that change, it had been almost 50/50. It will bring a more fair result, and also add some new strategy to the game. If you are the receiving team and you have the ball down on the opposing teams 23 yard line and it is 4th and 3, what's the call? I am interested to see how coaches approach this. Some other proposals I saw thrown out there were a first to six proposal or just simply moving moving the kickoff point back to 35 for the OT. If I had to pick one, I probably would have picked the one the owners picked too. They just better start that shit in the regular season. There is no rule that should only be applied in post-season, that's stupid.

"Come to Pittsburgh, We Hate Women!"
Wow, the Steelers certainly are a class act. Remember that Super Bowl they won a couple years ago? Think about the three players who were most responsible for that win. You've got James Harrison. A guy who feeds his children to his dogs and has no qualms about pimp slapping a bitch. I don't remember exactly what he got in trouble for at Kent State, but I'm fairly certain he sodomized a 13 year old. Then there is Ben Roethlisberger; two-time rapist, all-time drunk, and giant dickhead. And the man with the miraculous catch that wasn't really a catch, Santonio Holmes; all-time pothead, Derec Alexander wannabe, baby mama beater, and, according to a Florida woman, a prominent member of the slap-a-hoe tribe. Real stand up organization the Rooney's are running up there. Marvin Lewis wouldn't take these fucks on his roster.

The Pacman is coming back, baby. Strippers beware, if you perform backroom blowjobs in either San Francisco, Cincinnati, or Detroit then powder up your G Strings now because there is a good chance Pacman will be making it rain all over your stage. Honestly, if you are a team looking for a nickel corner or somebody who will return kicks I don't see why you wouldn't take a chance on him. You are going to get a first round talent for damn near league minimum. If he fucks up, he's gone from the league forever and the team doesn't have to pay him the full contract. If he's still got it, then you've got a talented player who is going to be busting balls for a new contract. Win-win.

For fuck's sake, get McNabb out of Philly already. For some reason Mike Florio decided to make a list of all the teams that might be interested in McNabb...a list of 13 teams. What a clown. That list doesn't tell me shit, ass hole. And then Schefter comes out and proclaims the Raiders are the clear favorite to end up with McNabb. Well I got news for you, fucko, the Raiders aren't interested in Donovan. Why? Do you really think they want to pay McNabb eight figures just to have him show up at camp and get fucking dominated by my boy, Bruce Gradkowski? Of course not. Wherever he goes, good riddance. Let the Kevin Kolb era begin.
UPDATE: So I'm sitting here listening to Mike and Mike before I head into work and all these fuckards are calling in saying we owe McNabb better than this. Fuck That Shit. This is a business, people. McNabb is not performing well enough to warrant being the starting quarterback anymore, the Eagles could send his ass to the fucking Argonauts is they felt it appropriate. If you aren't an Eagles fan or don't follow them closely, you may think McNabb is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. If that is the case, you sir, are a ruh-tard. The guy lost his fucking lunch in the Super Bowl! It's not about stats, it's about what he does in the playoffs, in the big moments. He goes down on a hard one, balls deep. He's a choke artist. We don't owe him anything.

Now it's time for a mini story time Tuesday.
My job sucks more than your job. Don't argue with me, just accept it. And to make matters worse, I am morally opposed to everything about my job. Which means while I'm working, I'm also thinking of ways to sabotage the company I'm working for. I'm a great employee. But every once in awhile, my shitty job gives me great gifts. Anyways, I score assessment tests, Writing assessment tests usually. I never really know what is going to come across my desk...kids say some crazy shit. But the other day, I got something incredible and I am going to share it with you. Keep in mind, this assessment test determines whether or not a student will pass to the next grade and what level of classes he/she will take in the next grade. Enjoy.

"I'm going to tell you about how I lost my virginity in middle school. I knew this girl named Pamela and I knew she wanted me. We were walking home from school one day and she took me into this abandoned house and I fucked her from behind. When we got in the house, she took off my pants and started sucking my dick. I took her pants off and she told to eat her puss. I said, "Naw, I'm straight." I told her to keep on sucking. After that she started riding my dick real hard. So I pulled out and nutted all over that bitches face. I'm king ding-a-ling. That's all I've got to say. Fuck it, two tears in a bucket."

That is the entire essay...Needless to say, he passed.

Monday, March 29, 2010

When Too Much Is A Bad Thing


This is what happens sometimes when we all root for the underdogs. Occasionally, they all pull through and then when you look at the Final Four, you say, "wait a minute, these teams aren't very good". This is one of those years. It was like the George Mason season when no one seeds made it and there was nothing memorable from that year. It happens. And we should have seen this coming. After Kansas got beat, we should have all stopped pulling for the dogs right then and there. We need the powerhouses. They give us someone to root against. We need the superstars. There aren't any still playing. When the best player still going is a guy named Gordon, that is NOT A GOOD THING.

So the Final Four is set. Butler/MSU and West Virginia/Duke. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that if Butler does not win, this is the worst tournament ever. Yeah, the games have been great, but the results do not meet those expectations. Today, I'm going to talk about each of the Final Four teams and a few of the notable losers. Ready, OK!

Butler - By far the biggest story of the tournament and rightfully so. I like to think that I nailed this call as I...had them losing to UTEP in the first round! Man, I'm smart. If you are going to sit there and tell me that them beating Cuse and K-State was not a stretch, then you are a fucking moron. That was some balls. They fucking locked down on those bitches. It's pretty unreal that they get to play the Final Four at home. Oh man, if a fucking mid-major won the national championship this year...holy balls that would be amazing.

West Virginia - How do you not make a 2 point shot in the first half and are leading at halftime? Bitches be crazy. I don't like this team. It has nothing to do with that bearded foreign fuck they have or that Mazzulla has raccoon eyes. It's all about Bob Huggins. That drunk prick. Put on a goddamn suit, dickhead! The Mountaineers are probably the favorites to win it all now. And since being the favorite this year is a kiss of death and remembering that their coach is an expert choker, I wouldn't bet on them winning shit.

Did you know that Bags Fly Free??? I hate Southwest.

Michigan State - It is so fucking frustrating to see this boring as shit team still around. THEY AREN'T GOOD! Why can't anyone knock them out? Their four wins have been by a combined 13 points. Unacceptable. Sparty has been catching more breaks over the past two weeks than the 2002 anOSU football team did. But I think we're in luck. Butler matches up MUCH better with MSU than they did with Tennessee. Sure, Sparty is big, but you win with guards in the tourney and Butler has the better guards (by far). Thanks, Tom Izzo, for already letting me know that Butler is going to be playing for the title next Monday night. Brad Stevens is better!

Duke - I was rooting for them against Baylor. I just want someone to root against next week. Actually, that's not fair. I would rather seeing Duke win it all than Fluke-again State and Bob Huggins. GO DEVILS! It's kind of amazing how quiet Duke has been this March. They have been kicking ass yet have done it without a ton of pub. Duke vs. Butler in Indianapolis could signal the return of white basketball dominance. Do you hear that, black guys? WE'RE COMING FOR YOU!

Kentucky - I'll be honest, I was rooting for them. Sure, they cheat and none of them go to class, but they are fun as hell to watch. 4-32 from 3. Awful from the free throw line. Yep, those are classic traits of Calipari coached teams. Did you see DeMarcus Cousins? He quit about 2 minutes into the second half. I hadn't seen a puss that sour since Porn Day here a few weeks ago. You've got to love it when your second best player just stops trying. Bledsoe, Dodson, Liggins, and all the other wings on that team should have their scholarships yanked for that stinkbomb. John Wall deserved better teammates on Saturday night.

Ohio State - They were lucky to even be in that game. Tennessee owned them. No one is going to believe me when I say this, but I thought at halftime that the Vols were going to win. They were able to do whatever they wanted on offense and were finishing at the rim constantly. Ohio State was making jumpers and struggled to create good shots and while it worked in the first half, you can't count on that for 40 minutes. I was just shocked at how improved Wayne Chism has gotten over the years. He may not have been the best player on the floor against the Buckeyes, but he was in the top two. He dominated on both ends. Now let's talk about that last play. I can understand how ignorant Buckeye fans may say that that was a foul. Clearly, as replays showed, it was not. If anything, the patented Evan Turnover push-off was the only contact on that shot. I respect that the refs did not bail him out. They have been giving him calls all year anyway. In conclusion, no team with Jon Diebler has ever made it to the Elite 8 and I like that stat. He sucks balls. Don't even try to argue that. He is terrible.

Xavier - Their game with Kansas State was one of the best games that I've ever seen in the dance. That was some top notch drama. The backcourts on both of those teams could play in the NBA. You know, X has been doing the right things for years now, I truly hope that they get to go to a much deserved Final Four like Butler.

I'm writing this before the times for Saturday have been announced. Who wants to bet that Duke gets the late game while Butler/MSU is first? I would bet my life on that. I want a Duke/Butler championship. Badly. Since I am awful at predicting games this year, Expect a WV/MSU snoozer. I will not watch that. That does not interest me. Oh well, at least Ohio State is out and their fans are probably out of excuses by now. I guess that some good did come from this tournament chock full o' upsets.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Urban Meyer Is A Horse's Ass


Seriously, who the hell does this guy think he is? Meyer is a fucking football coach and he acts like the God damn King of England! There is no gray area with this fucking guy. Either you suck his dick or you are his mortal enemy. It is a tired act.

By now you have all seen the video and/or read the article about Meyer not being too happy with an Orlando Sentinel writer posting a quote by a receiver that wasn't really a slam on Tim Tebow but could have been seen as one. I read the article and absolutely nowhere in it does the writer imply that he is anti-Tebow or anti-Gator at all. But it doesn't matter to ol' Urban Cowboy. He went off the deep end throwing empty threats at the guy and making sure that he knew that either he stop slamming the team (which he didn't) or he would get his practice credentials pulled. Oooooh, you mean he can't watch guys stretch or hit the sled??? What would he possibly do instead that can rival the waste of time which is watching a football team practice?

Someone needs to put Urban Meyer in his fucking place. It's getting really old and the bullying act is nothing more than chickenshit posturing done by a liar. Yeah, we haven't forgotten about your "retirement" that lasted for a day. What an asshole.

I hope that I'm watching the day that this prick gets his comeuppance. I really want to see that. Now that my boy, Tebow, is done in Gainesville, I can go back to hating this man. I like this feeling.

Wait a minute. Wait one damn minute. I know when Meyer is going to get it stuck up his urethra. I know exactly when his walls are going to come down. It's going to happen on September 4th, 2010. That is the date. Confused? You shouldn't be because all of my posts have some sort of angle. That is Florida's first game this coming season as they welcome to The Swamp...the Miami RedHawks. Take a few minutes to laugh about that, regroup, and finish the post.

Seriously, how great would that be. Urban Meyer. Pompous ass. Due for some embarrassment. Miami University. 3 wins in the past two seasons combined. HOW GREAT WOULD IT BE FOR OUR SHIT TEAM TO BEAT HIM!!! Keep in mind, that fucker has never beaten Miami. Never. The streak will continue this year as well. It has to. It has to because Urban Meyer is a bag of diseased dicks.

In conclusion, FUCK YEAH BUTLER!!! And GO VOLS!!! GOOD OL' ROCKY TOP. ROCKY TOP TENNESSEE!!!

/HBO Flies Open


Holy shit. This is going to be amazing television. The New York Jets are going to be the focal point of the upcoming season of Hard Knocks on HBO. Now if you are unfamiliar with the premise, HBO follows one team around during training camp and uses something like a million cameras to capture everything that goes on over the five week period. It is outstanding. Best show on TV. And now they are going to let us view the inner-workings of the team that I have grown to like.

Last year, we were shown the Bengals. It was awesome. It made a nation fall in love with Chad Ochocinco (seriously). It allowed us to see how imcompetent Mike Brown and the rest of the front office is. It transformed the perception of Marvin Lewis from a fucking dolt into a sympathetic and intelligent coach. It killed Chris Henry! Tank Johnson was excited to meet Joe Torre! Hard Knocks is a jack of all trades, dammit!

We are five short months away from watching Rex Ryan do his thing. Oh my God, that is going to be the fucking tits. Rex is just fantastic. If you have time today (and considering it's Friday, you do), familiarize yourself with KSKharacter, Rex Ryan. It will change how you view comedy. If you find Ace's interviews here to be great, these will blow your fucking mind. If Rex is anything like that in real life, you will not want to miss this show. Other things that I'm looking forward to potentially seeing this Summer on Hard Knocks:

-Is Braylon Edwards always shitty or will we end up liking him like we did with Ocho?
-How large is LaDainian Tomlinson's pussy?
-How many buttplugs does The Sanchize bring with him to camp?
-Is Bart Scott as annoying as Ray Lewis?
-Does Vernon Gholston admit to being terrible?
-What happens on Revis Island?
-Did Rex Ryan's stomach stapling actually work? Because it better not have. I like my Rex Ryan like I like boobs: big, floppy, and dirty.

I never thought that I would say this, but the Jets are awesome. I can barely contain my excitement for this. HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN', BOYS!!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Who's Comin' With Me?


Last week, I had a health screening since I recently switched onto She$'s insurance. I had not been to a doctor in about 5 years so I was a bit nervous as to what they might find inside of me (super AIDS). Everything came back normal fortunately although there was one big surprise...my blood pressure is 110/80. This is apparently very good. I don't get it though because you have no idea how pissed off and red-faced I get while watching sports/driving. Sure, I'll take a good ticker any day but all this really tells me is that I'm not getting nearly as angry as I should be. And that must end, you abortions.

But then along comes the NCAA Tournament and it does an excellent job contricting my veins and arteries. Allow me to explain in detail:

I made an analogy at the Iceman's site the other day that I want to expand on more today. Since the Sweet 16 tips off tonight (some asshole you know will surely say that it is "kicking off" and the law says that you are allowed to punt that fuck in the taint for making such an aggregious error in the realm of sports grammar), I feel apt to hop on a soapbox.

Watching college hoops is probably a lot like befriending Charlie Sheen. You meet him and think that this guy is pretty damn cool. You want to make sure that this is not just a one night occurrance so you go out with him to the clubs again and again and pretty soon, you two are tight and he's pulling ass for you every night. It's great. Charlie Sheen (college basketball) is proving to be a crucial figure in your life. Hell, you're even starting to feel like a celebrity yourself. You find yourself able to predict what's going to happen before the night even begins. You start impressing your other friends with your current status. One week, Charlie lets you know that he is taking you to the Playboy Mansion and to enjoy everything that you can get. You're thinking to yourself, this is going to be a cakewalk. I know almost every nuance of the scene and it's time to impress all these fools. I AM GOING TO BANG EVERY BROAD THERE! The day of your trip to Hef's house, Charlie tells you to stop by his house first because he has a few more things that he needs to let you in on. You get cocky though and think that he's just blowing smoke up your ass. You stand him up in lieu of a Jersey Shore-esque gym-tan-laundry trip because you want to look good for your big night. You get to Sheen's place two hours late. You walk in the house and you can hear that he's balls deep in some strange. You think, "awww my boy is really giving it to that slut!" But you hear the voices and something doesn't quite connect. That sounds familiar. You run up to Sheen's bedroom and open the door.

Yep, Charlie Sheen is drilling your mom/sister/wife/office secretary while shooting himself up with heroin. You walk in right when the donkey punch is being delivered. And that is when you know that Sheen is one vindictive sonofabitch and he doesn't care about you. All that he cares about is nailing everything in sight. Charlie Sheen took his time and reeled you in only to DESTROY you.

And that is what happens to those of us that love college basketball. You follow it all season long only to have it stab you in the Goddamn dick come March. You could have scouting reports on every fucking team but it doesn't matter because the dumbest person in your office pool will always win. And that is one of the many reasons that I have never watched an episode of Two and a Half Men. Not only does it look retarded, but it reminds of how much damage college basketball/Charlie Sheen have done to me over the years.

Which is why I am vowing to never waste money filling out an NCAA tournament bracket again. Never. It's a bigger waste than lottery tickets. It is impossible for me to ignore college basketball for an entire season which means that I have no shot to win a pool. Hell, I am in DEAD LAST in my own while my wife is running away with the crown (I'm going to have to handwash her fucking car now). Here me now, I AM DONE. I'm not going to get suckered into this shit again. Now...WHO'S COMIN' WITH ME??? Join me. Come to the dark side. We can do other things. There are many alternatives that actually reward not being an idiot. Here are 4 off the top of my head:

1. Crazy 8's: Everyone picks 8 teams. You want to accumulate points. 1/2 seeds get 1 point per win, 3/4 get 2, 4/5 seeds get 3, and so on. Something like this makes you study brackets at least.
2. Connect 4: More of an inter-office idea but everyone draws 4 teams out of a hat. Those are your teams. Whoever is holding the winner at the end of the tournament takes the pot. It's 100% luck but at least it gives you a rooting interest.
3. Spreads: Everyone gets ONE team. Say I have Duke and you have Purdue. If Purdue covers the 8 points tomorrow but Duke wins anyway, I am done and now YOU have Duke for the remainder of the tournament or until they fail to cover the spread again. My dad ran one of these this year and drew Winthrop. They didn't cover the play-in game so he was eliminated before the real tournament even started. Awesome.
4. Damman Pool: I don't know what this is called but he is running it this year and it's been pretty fun. You pick all the winners AND how much they are going to win by. You want low scores. Pick the wrong winner (which I am doing very well at), add 5 points to your score PLUS the difference in outcome. Nail the winner and the amount they won by...-25. It keeps you engaged in all the games and eventhough I am currently over 100 points behind first, a couple of nuts this week could get me right back into things.

There. Those are just a few options. The important thing is for us educated basketball fans to stop hob-nobbing with the neophytes and start doing our own thing. Let those fucking morons have their brackets because I'm tired of coming home from work and finding Charlie Sheen cutting lines of coke on my counter. Those days over. Who's comin' with me?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Sideburns And Coke


You used to know that it was baseball season when you could hear the crack of the bat and smell the grass (or whatever that old dumb saying is). Apparently, in 2010, you know it's coming when the cash money is flowing and the decision maker for a team is doing lines off the toilet seat in the clubhouse. Surrounding all the college hoops hooplah these past few weeks, there are a couple of baseball stories that I want to spend some time on today.

1. Joe Mauer just got paid
-Maybe now he will stop looking like a virgin. This made a lot of sense for the Twins. They have sold off so many parts over the past decade that they couldn't let Sideburns Joey leave. I get that. One thing that needs to be forgotten now is the notion that the Twins are still a small market team. When you give 184 million to one player and have a 2010 payroll in the top ten, you are no longer a member of the broke-ass club. Like it or not, you've joined the big boys. But that is where I could see a problem.

The Twins are opening a new stadium this year and that's great (eventhough it looks like Cleveland's park), but where is the money going to keep coming from? Now that you are paying one of your own "A-Rod money", you sort of have to keep the payroll in the same range that it is now. There really is no going back. And that's what makes it tricky. Minnesota can't miss on free agents anymore. They can't have prospects not pan out. They can't buy their way out of bad contracts like the Yanks and Sux can/do. These are the same problems that did in the Indians only a few short years ago. Hopefully, Mauer fairs better after his pay day than Steroids Hafner did.

There are a few more concerns I have regarding 9021-Joe resigning for that much money. Catchers tend to not have the longest shelf lives in MLB. It's grueling back there. 184 million dollars is a lot to wager on a pair of knees holding up for 8 years. Or maybe they plan on moving him to first in the near future? Nope, that's not happening anytime soon. So basically they are calling their shot here. I respect the balls, but that is one huge ass risk. And I'm cool with Mauer giving the Twins a hometown discount and staying home, BUT, they are never going to win a World Series. It's just not going to happen. There are three teams better than they are in both the AL East and West and teams in those two divisions tend to load up on good players with very little financial restraints. I wonder if he will live to regret signing this deal and throwing away his prime on a team that will never get him a ring. Do you think that he thought about that? I don't want to hear about me being jealous because he's not going to be a Yankee now. I'm not envious at all. We were never going to be involved for his services with Jesus "the next Piazza" Montero waiting in AAA.

In conclusion, Mauer and the Twins look great now, but I think that they could both grow to regret it.

2. Ron Washington is a fucking dipshit.
-While we were all at home watching basketball last week, it was announced that Texas Rangers manager, Tyrone Biggums, tested positive for cocaine last year. I guess that his $450,000 Crack Party was not his best idea. He also admitted to taking amphetamines during his playing career. The Rangers are going to do nothing about this. MLB will probably do nothing about this either.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Washington should have been fired on the spot. There is no excuse for this. And I don't buy the "it was the first time that I've done it and it was a mistake" excuse. That's bullshit. No 47 year old man just decides one day, "I'm gonna start snorting coke! Someone tell that Cuban guy in the other room to cut me up a line while I roll this 5 dollar bill up into some sort of snorting mechanism." People don't do this. Washington has done it before...guaranteed. He has a history of substance abuse anyway. Why should he be believed now? But maybe I'm just having trouble thinking like a cokehead. Let's break it down:
-You work hard and build your name managing in the minor leagues
-You get your big break and are named the manager of a major league baseball team
-You represent the entire organization with everything that you do
-One of your best players has a history with addiction so being supportive is a must
-You are managing a team on the verge of blossoming into a power
-After 46 years, NOW you decide that cocaine use is a good decision

Do you see what I mean? No one starts taking heavy drugs in their late 40's after getting the job that they have always wanted. This is absurd. This fucker should not have a job. Much like Rick Pitino, I have no clue why anyone would respect this guy ever again. If the Rangers won't fire him, he should step down.

Whew, I didn't think I had all those words in me today. And I hate sitting up here on my high horse. Someone help me down and make me some pizza rolls. He's just a common man...

You Can't Spell Cavs Incorrectly Without a Z

It may be a complete joke of a rule, but I don't care. Big Z is a Cav again! In what may have been the worst kept secret in the history of sports and easily the greatest example of tampering, Mr. Cleveland took his month off and is now back.

Who cares if he really isn't THAT necessary to win a title. The fact remains that he has put up with a lot of shit (Shawn Kemp, DeJuan Wagner, Luke Jackson, Lasagna Diop, Eric Snow, etc.) with that organization and he deserves to win a ring. Do you hear me, dammit! HE DESERVES IT! Kobe Bryant has been a spoiled little bitch his entire career and he has four. How about giving some glory out to those that have endured some tough shit?

And if he brings back the bald dome/Bushwhackers beard, the Cavs may go 16-0 in the playoffs. Welcome back, you old fucking Lithuanian sumbitch.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Tiger Woods Drops Some Hoops Knowledge On Yo Ass


I pulled some strings for all you Money Shot Maniacs today. While ESPN and The Golf Channel had to provide taint service to get just five minutes of his time, my boy Eldrick got ahold of me and said he needed to get some things off his chest. He's apparently really pissed that Kansas totally fucked his bracket. Enjoy!

Bill Self, you limp dicked piece of shit, I've got one thing to say to you and one thing only, "I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you." Not only did you shit all over my bracket, but your Jayfucks were the icing on my cake of shitty gambling picks.(Apparently Tiger took gambling advice from Grump and Drew) Now I've got just one question for you, "Have you ever had a golden shower done to you?" Call me R Kelly, bitch.

Ace dropped some hoops knowledge on you last week and went 5-3 with his first round picks, he is a very impressive man. If he were here right now I would ask him, "Where do you want to be bitten?" But enough about Ace, the only endorsement opportunities I have right now are from Hustler, Playgirl, and Brazzers...it's time to make me some mother fuckin' money.

St. Mary's vs Baylor- Baylor-4.
When is the last time the Australians have won anything? There was only one cool Aussie and he died by way of flying fucking stingray! The only good thing I ever saw in Australia was Rachel Uchitel's labia. BAM! I'm on a fucking roll...talk about some beef curtains. Would somebody please make that ugly troll bastard of a point guard for St. Mary's use his left hand? That guy couldn't even beat off lefty if he used the overhand stroke. Baylor-4.

Xavier vs Kansas St- KSU -4.5.
Ace dared Jordan Crawford to carry Xavier passed Minnesota and that's exactly what he did. And then he owned Pitt. And now, he is going to own K State. But can someone tell that coach to stop bitching about his mid-major status. You're a fucking 5 seed and you make it to the Sweet Sixteen every year, why do you care what members of the media say about you? I sure as hell don't. Hell, just the other day I told Kelly Tilghman, "After I cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard." And she did. Either way, you won't be seeing that coach after Thursday. If Xavier loses, they go home. If they win, Frank Martin will have him wacked. Xavier+4.5.

Butler vs Syracuse- Syracuse-7.
How can I put this in a way that will make perfect sense? How about this, imagine you have Mindy Lawton facing off against Jamie Jungers in a fucking competition. Jungers is clearly the favorite, but Lawton could still pull off the upset 3 out of 10 times. But now, Jungers opens the door and in walks Holly Sampson butt naked with a bucket of orange chicken. Jungers and Sampson are officially unstoppable, Lawton has no chance. Cuse-7.

Cornell vs Kentucky- UK-9.
I don't have any black friends. The only black guy I have ever really known is my father and he taught me everything I know. Thanks a lot, ass hole, rot in hell. I don't trust black people and neither should you. Those honkey's can't get blown out. Cornell+9.

Northern Iowa vs Sparty- Sparty-1.5.
Is this a joke? Sparty without Kalin Lucas is like a pornstar who can't keep her fucking mouth shut, LAME! And I must admit, even to a snatch slayer like me, that little terrorist boy is sexy. I would love to see his Iranian missile if you know what I mean. I also must apologize for Tim Izzo's raspy voice. The last time we got together he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him, "Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat." The Iranian wins. Northern Iowa +1.5.

Go ahead and take this sheet to your bookie and tell him, I wanna "Hold you down while a choke you and fuck that ass that I own," courtesy of your boy, Tiger Woods.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I Need Help Beating My Wife


Listen up, fuckers. All of us--ALL OF US--are getting are shit packed by my wife in the bracket challenge. This is unacceptable. She has watched maybe three games all season and she still has her Final Four intact while most of our brackets have been reduced to cosmic toilet paper. I know one thing, my bracket should have been left in the dumpster behind the prom. Holy shit, when you have time, look at my expert picks. Even Matt Millen is laughing at me.

The only person who probably did worse than me is Seth Davis from CBS and SI.com. Yeah, asshole, I trusted you when you told me to pick Siena and UTEP and Richmond to beat Villanova. Why are you offering advice on camera at all when you are currently batting .000 when it comes to your upset calls? Because of this, I do not feel bad that I am getting sent his new book for free. Sure, it is one of the few perks of running a very poor blog, but I will take it as a peace offering from Seth. I was also told (by the publishing company that is forwarding me a copy) that I could interview him if I would like. Well, I would not like. All I want is his address so that I can FedEx him my diarrhea sprinkled with anthrax, brocolli, and polio. I used to really enjoy Seth's work but now he is dead to me unless he comes out and publicly apologizes while admitting that he knows nothing about college basketball. These are my terms.

I don't know about you all, but I am officially basketball-ed out. I'm done. I've seen too much. Nothing stands out anymore. It is just one big blur. What finally did me in was watching the Georgia Tech backcourt completely ignore their superior frontline and continually hoist up bricked three after bricked three. That was embarrassing. Glen Rice Jr. should have to change his name to Jimmy King Jr. He has not earned the right to have that name. He should have to go by the name of a much crappier Michigan Wolverine. Anyway, I couldn't even finish that game yesterday. It was too maddening. I went out and fertilized the yard instead (Scotts Turf Builder, motherfucka!!!). I don't regret it. Having the best lawn ever is way more important than watching Evan Turner act like he's never committed a foul in his life. This superstar-ish attitude that he is carrying on with over the past couple weeks is starting to become very irritating.

Let's talk about Kansas for a moment. How embarrassing that was. I was fooled. I bought into the hype. Hell, most of you did, too. And don't lie to me, Ohio State fan. You may have picked the Buckeyes to beat the Jayhawks, but you didn't actually think it was going to happen. You can lie to yourself, but I will not let you lie to me. Back to the upset though, that was just a great game. Northern Iowa played with fucking elephant balls. Regardless of whether you think that that terrorist kid shooting a three was stupid (it was), it was still cool to see. But I was rooting for Kansas regardless. Not because of my bracket because it was already llama taint, but because Kansas has a much better shot at kicking the shit out of Ohio State than Northern Iowa does. Damn you, Jayhawks!

But we all should have seen this one coming a mile away. Bill Self may have won a title two years ago, but this is what he does. It was killing me watching him sweat on the bench and constantly have a stupid look on his face. He didn't know what to do. He had no answer. THIS WAS CLASSIC BILL SELF. He chokes all the fucking time. Not one of those Northern Iowa kids would have cracked the rotation at Kansas. Not one. And Self couldn't get his players to perform. They got beat to every loose ball, they missed free throws down the stretch, and their point guard was a nervous horseshit mess. And that all comes back to the coach not being able to keep his kids relaxed. Bill Self sucks. He sucks a lot. Back in the late 90's, I picked Stanford to win it all three years in a row. They never came close. I refused to learn from my stupidity. I'm done with that. Now I have learned. I will never pick a Bill Self-coached team to make it to the Final Four ever again.

Other notes from the weekend:
*Nice poker tournament run by LWM on Saturday. I finished 23rd out of 65. I just couldn't get anything going. The best hand that I had in the four hours that I was playing was a pair of fours. I made it about as long as I could.
*Michigan State is pissing me off. They should have lost on Friday but the refs bailed them out. And then some shithead hits a prayer three that he would miss 8 times out of ten to prevent their epic choke to an entertaining Maryland team. Tom Izzo should be shot. He seems like a nice guy and all but I want blood, dammit. His team is boring as fuck.
*Fuck you, OU. My jinx worked to perfection.
*How dare Kansas State take out my boy, Jimmer! Wouldn't it be fun to punch Frank Martin in the face? I think it would be fun...and necessary.
*Ummm, yeah, no one is going to beat Kentucky. Unless you count an NCAA investigative committee. Because they will in three years.
*Everything that I said about Bill Self can also be said about Rick Barnes at Texas.
*Get ready for a lot of stupid jokes about how happy the Nard Dog must be for Cornell. HURR HURR HURR! Andy from The Office is a douche. He is terrible. Just like people who enjoy this show still.
*Why didn't Seth Davis tell me that that big fuck from St. Mary's was an unstoppable force? That seems like info that the public should know. And Villanova blows.

In conclusion, I got some new glasses this week. They look like something that Cavs coach Mike Brown would wear so you KNOW that they are cool. But those specs are the closest I am going to get to watching basketball until Thursday. I've had my fill. I need an extended break. I should go put an envelope stuffed with cash in Evan Turner's mailbox and sign it "Dick Tressel". That might make me feel better.

Friday, March 19, 2010

MAC > Big East


It's true. The Mid-American Conference is tougher and better than the big, bad Big East. We all saw it. The 2nd best team from the "power" conference got dominated by the 9th best team in the shit-ass MAC. OU only won 7 damn games in conference this season and they took the Hoyas to the fucking woodshed last night! Georgetown was absolutely fucking MANHANDLED.

If it sounds like I am happy about this and that this is what I wanted to happen, you are dead fucking wrong. I hate OU. I was rooting against them just as much as I do every other game. They should be wiped off the Earth. But I will say this, there is not a hotter team still playing right now than the Bobcats. Sure, they may have embarrassed themselves by losing 9 games in the MAC earlier, but that has long since been forgotten. They fucking PWNED Georgetown. That was absolutely NOT a fluke. That was never a close game. If you want to know who has the best backcourt in the country right now, look no further. Bassett and Cooper are playing better than anyone. I stand by that statement, too. Over the last three weeks, they can not be guarded. And the coaching has been outstanding. If Iowa (or Seton Hall) doesn't go balls deep after John Groce AKA Jeff Garcia Coach, they should just join The Valley as they are no longer Big Ten-caliber.

This is starting to feel like a Cinderella story to me. And I do NOT like that at all. The Kitties are playing with so much confidence and you can see it through your TV. They KNOW that they can play with anyone. I think that we may be getting an OU/Ohio State Sweet 16 matchup. I better start working on my pipe bomb-making skills now. I've only got a week left to rid the world of these dicktastic shitbag schools and fans.

By the way, nice fucking showing yesterday, Big East. Horrendous. And what a lovely game watch that I hosted at the mansion. Even Mr. Ace came over and added to the entertainment value of the event. The house damn near blew up when Murray State sunk that game winner.
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To anyone interested that lives remotely near northwest Ohio,

Tomorrow, at the Fayette VFW in Fayette, OH (just south of the Michigan line), commenter Lester Worm Murphy is hosting his annual no-limit hold-'em tournament. I think that this is the seventh year that he's ran it now but the first time that I will be playing. I'm looking forward to it. Don't worry, this site will be represented well as I'm bringing Damman and Naptown Wolverine with me. But if you are in the area and want to toss cards with the great one, let me know and I (or Lester) will get you further details. It costs $60 and the main event starts at 1 pm. I'm told that there will be TV's with hoops on in the building so that is not an excuse.

The last time I played in a tournament that was more than two tables, it was at Rune's reception. I got blackout drunk on Crown Royal and "Middle-tini's" before the tournament even began. I ended up playing at a table with a bunch of guys who know poker pro, Mike Sexton. I made an obscene side bet with some guy (that I didn't know) that I would win the tournament. If I did, he owed me $50. If I did not, I owed him $10. I finished second in that bitch and could barely see my cards on the final hand (in which my A-K got sucked out on by A-7...or so I was told the next morning). Seriously, the future She$ had to look at my cards and tell me what I had. And I still cashed. Well, bitches, I'm coming into this tournament sober so look the fuck out. Lester, if there is a trophy involved, you might as well get my name engraved on that fucker now.

Shuffle up and deal, queers.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Ires Of March: Helping You Hate


Happy St. Patrick's Day hangover everyone! I hope that you relish your green poo this morning. As for me, I did not partake in any of that chicanery yesterday. Oh no, I decided that I owed you, the dedicated reader and casual college basketball fan, some sage advice. And that is why I've done what I've done today. I have looked at the rosters of all 65 college basketball teams participating in the Big Dance this week. Through that research, I have developed a list of guys that you all will want to punch in the face. So don't worry about trying to find these things out on your own. Your weird Uncle G$ has got your back. He'll help your hangover by telling you who to hate. So relax, take some Advil, put on your sweatpants, and let me assist with who you should be rooting against over the following days/weeks.

Now this was not easy. There are a lot of players to sift through to get to the cream of the irritating crop. So I settled on four rules for this list:
1. Starters or major minute guys only
2. No European guys - They are all nerds anyway.
3. No black players - No black guy has a punchable face because every black guy on the planet could kick my ass. Needless to say, you won't be finding any Hoyas on this list today.
4. No Duke players - We all hate them. You know this. I know this. We all root against them anyway. So let's just forget that they even exist today eventhough it would be fun to push Jon Scheyer down a stair well.

The honorable mention punchables (not to be confused with the always disgusting Lunchables): Kenneth Van Kempen (Ohio), Kenny Frease (Xavier), Chris Kramer (Purdue), Matt Bouldin (Gonzaga), Jordan Eglseder (Northern Iowa), AJ Ogilvy (Vanderbilt), and Chandler Parsons (Florida).

7. Andy Rautins, Syracuse - I actually like his game and find him to be a solid leader for the Orange. But then I look at that hair. Oh, man I loathe the Red Rooster look. None of my friends have had the balls to go with this awful style and if they did, they would be disowned by me and found at the bottom of an elevator shaft. Who came up with that garbage trend anyway because they deserve a beating for that.
6. Ben Hansbrough, Notre Dame - He looks like Randy from A Christmas Story all grown up. I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS! Benny Boy has all the traits associated with a guy you should not like: the majority of his shots are three pointers, he voluntarily attends Notre Dame, and he is the brother of Tyler Hansbrough. He should be #1 on this list based on that last fact alone.
5. Ryan Rossiter, Siena - I don't understand how this kid is so effective playing in the post. There is no way that he weighs more than 110 pounds. His uniform is about 8 sizes too big. His knee brace is twice the size of his legs. His nickname is "Rooster". That's the second rooster reference in this post today! I will always hold a special place in my heart for Rossiter though for dominating Byron Mullens last year, but let's be honest, dude defines "dork". He looks like the kind of guy who would tell me that he can throw a slurve (only Damman will get that reference yet I'm using it anyway).
4. Matt Howard, Butler - Simply put, Howard just looks incredibly awkward. When he runs, he appears to have cement in his black size 45 high-tops. His hair is always all over the place. He is a fouling machine. He's got a lot of skill, but it's never showcased with any semblance of grace. I've always had this image of what a basketball player from Indiana looks like and Howard pretty much covers it for me. You have to be a grinder with bad hair and you must know how to operate a combine. Chewing hay is also part of that look.
3. Keiton Page, Oklahoma State - I respect Page a little because he's a bit pudgy and will shoot from anywhere. But that's where it ends. I've never met anyone named "Keiton" but I know that I wouldn't like anyone with that name. So what makes his face punchable? I'm guessing it's the red hair. Yeah, it's got to be the red hair. And maybe because he tried to kill Egon at the end of Ghostbusters.
2. Jon Diebler, Ohio State - Words can not describe how much I dislike Diebler. And believe me, I've tried here numerous times over the past three years. Remember that shot that Evan Turner made to beat Michigan last week? Remember how the celebration from that play was the banner pic at all of the major sports sites? Well, look at the faces that Rat Boy made in those pics. Completely objectionable. The only times that this knob goes inside the three point line is when someone drops some cheese and he picks it up for a quick nibble. I really hope that he catches an elbow at some point this March if only to see his face wrapped up mummy-style like it was in high school. Hilarious. Diebler makes his brother, McLovin, look like Brad Pitt.
1. Jason Bohannon. Wisconsin - Bohannon has always struck me as the most boring person on the planet. I can't believe that I found a picture of him showing any emotion whatsoever. The cameraman must have been showing him a rubber chicken or something. Is there any doubt at all that he cuts his own hair? Actually, you could say that about the entire Wisconsin team. Does Bo Ryan make sure that all of his player's hair length is less than a millimeter? Is there a Madison production of Full Metal Jacket starring the Badgers that I am not aware of? Anyway, Bohannon drives me nuts with his dour facial expressions and scrappy attitude. I don't think that this was even close. There is no one that I'm rooting against more in this tournament than this guy.

When I decided to put this post together, I was initially overwhelmed by such a massive task. But I soon realized that most Big Ten teams have a token objectionable guy on the team which made it easier. God Bless you, Big Ten, for continually churning out players that are so easy to want to punch in the face. In conclusion, I've done all the work for you. All you need to do is sit back, relax, watch some hoops, and get ready for your blood pressure to rise as soon as one of these guys comes onto your screen. Enjoy the day, fellas, this is one of OUR holidays.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Inevitable Return of The Hump Day Hump


Every Wednesday back in 2007-2008, we here at The Money Shot ran down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results were delightful. We are bringing it back today because I am resting up for tomorrow's really awesome post.

This week, the "It's ALWAYS better to be pissed off than pissed on" Edition.

***Big Ben wanted a squirter - OK, this thing is starting to get weird. Now I don't know if these stories are true or not, but it makes the claims against Ben a little tougher to believe. First, there was Ben's statement that the victim fell in the bathroom. Now, I read a story that the victim drunkenly pissed all over herself. Let's say that those two things are surefire truths. Would any of you try to hook up with some hammered chick who peed all over the bar and at one point was lying on a bathroom floor? Ugh, I'm dry heaving just thinking about it. If She$ ever did that (especially the disgusting bathroom bar floor part), I would be seeing a divorce lawyer the next day. Who knows, maybe Ben was trying to nail that shit just a little too hard. But something doesn't seem right here if what I'm reading is accurate. Don't get me wrong, I'm still embarrassed by the situations that he puts himself in and the bad light that he shines on my alma mater, yet I hope that we are closer to knowing the truth. And if any ladies are reading this, STOP DRINKING TO THE POINT THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR URINE, CUNTS.

***Waitresses at the Augusta Perkins better get ready - Oh fuck yes. Tiger fucking Woods will be back in three short weeks. This is going to be amazing. This will be a blogger's dream. I hope to Christ that he is somewhere near the top of the leaderboard on Sunday. My vagina is already getting wet just thinking about the Masters live blog potential there.

***Why bringing Grandmama aboard wasn't a bad move - I was lmore than a little upset on Friday when Dut texted me laughing at the Skins signing Larry Johnson. But, I've started to warm to the idea a bit. Remember, I initially predicted that LJ would be in DC after the Chiefs released him this Fall. I guess that I was just ahead of my time. But it's not that bad of a deal and let me tell you why: 1. It's basically a 3 year deal worth barely over a million guaranteed per year. 2. He is better than Ladell Betts. 3. He grew up a Redskins fan so that means he is going to be AWESOME! 4. Mike Shanahan has a history of turning ANYONE into a pro bowler. 5. It's a low risk/medium reward deal. At worst, they cut him. At best, he and Portis team up to give the Skins a solid backfield. 6. He is not Ladell Betts. Herm Edwards and Dick Vermeil both told the Washington Post that LJ will be the starter this year. Well, if Herm and the Baby say it, IT MUST BE TRUE! SUPER BOWL!

***Pete Sampras is no Smog Strangler - Is there anything more pathetic than tennis smack? Even bloggers find tennis players to be pussies. So during a charity event, Sampras made fun of Agassi for walking like a duck. Andre responded in kind by taking off his wig and calling Petey a bad tipper. BURN!!! Sampras took it like a bitch but maybe Andre was implying that Pete was awful at playing "Just The Tip". If I were him, I would have called Agassi's license plates in to 1-800-GRAB-DUI and told them that a crystal meth tweaker was swerving all over the road. Where was I again? Oh yeah, I would totally do both of their wives.

***Mike Holmgren is a liar - "Jake Delhomme is the leader that I wanted." I didn't watch the press conference, but I assume that this line was met with uproarious laughter. Did he follow that joke up with a "Why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?" I know that Browns fans want to trust the Walrus, but holy shit, this does not look promising. I read yesterday that the Cleveland front office likes Jimmy Clausen. I'll tell you what, if you want to trade up to #4 with the Skins to the Golden Shower, you go right ahead. That Notre Dame quarterbacking tree just keeps on giving.

***GeNo one cares about women's Auriemmathletics - I'm just going to call him The Iceman because his moniker is too long and so is his website name and it reminds me of his wet J dominating in The Grand Canyon, but he had an epic rant about how the UConn women can pretty much go fuck themselves. I don't particularly care about their record myself. It would be like if the Dream Team just stuck together in 1996 and played other NBA teams. They have all the talent and no one else does. And they are dykes. Don't forget about the dykes.

In conclusion, I have a zit on the inside of my nose. Now, I've never been shot before, but this has to be much, MUCH more painful than that. I just want to cut my God damn face off right now. But if I did that, John Travolta might steal it from me.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I'm Calling My Shots: Vegas Special March Madness Style

(Yeah, I'm a cocksucker, but you love me.)
I was trying to think of a way I could put together a little March Madness challenge similar to what I put together for the College Bowl games--I didn't come up with anything. It just would have been impossible to put together something for the weekend games. Instead, I invite everyone to put some picks that they feel strongly about in the comments and we can have a little unofficial competition...and listen to Drew fellate himself about his great gambling insights.

Ladies and queers, there is money to be made with these first round matchups and I am here to lead you to the greenbacks.

First, I've got a some picks that involve a couple teams G Money mentioned yesterday.
BYU vs Florida- BYU-5
I can't believe this. I'm rolling with the Stormin' Mormons. BYU is incredibly efficient on the offensive end and Florida is the worst at-large team in the tournament. Unless one of Florida's big men go absolutely nuts, BYU is going to run away with this one. BYU -5

Siena vs Purdue- Purdue-4
Lock this mother fucker up. I was all over Siena last year(remember that Fuckeyes?) and I loved Ubiles and Rossiter last year. This year, I want to have their babies. Siena plays good D, but their real strength is not allowing the opposing team to get to the free throw line. Purdue really isn't great at anything and without Hummel they just aren't a good team. Siena +4.

Baylor vs Sam Houston State- Baylor-11

It has been a long time coming for Baylor and this opportunity will not be squandered. Baylor is going to kick seven shades of shit out of SHSU. Baylor-11.

Old Dominion vs Notre Dame- ND-2.

Who the fuck is going to stop Gerald Lee, the 6'10" Finlandian(sounds way cooler than Finnish) monster? ND doesn't have a guy who can matchup. ODU has some serious size up front and I think it's going to give ND some problems. ND looked really good down the stretch...but I just can't shake the feeling that ND can't matchup with ODU. ODU+2.

UTEP vs Butler- Butler-2.5
This one, I'm going the other way. Both teams are actually very similar as far as efficiency. I just don't trust Caracter. I'm going with Butler's savvy. I'm going with Butler's system. They're a proven commodity. I think people like to pick against them now that they have shed their Cinderella tag. Butler-2.5.

Houston vs Maryland- Maryland-9
Houston blew their wad getting into the tournament, they are done. Maryland is winning by 20. I still hate you Gravy Vasquez. Terps -9.

There are a couple other games that I like too.

Murray State vs Vandy- Vandy-3

The moment this matchup was announced I was all over Murray State. I love Murray State. They've got experience. They've got talent. They've got depth. Vanderbilt is a good team at home, but they aren't the same team without that advantage. Murray crashes the boards, forces turnovers, and holds opponents to low FG%. Murray State+3.

Minnesota vs Xavier- Minny-1

Dammit! Why the hell is Minny favored! I was hoping to jump on some points or at least get some money line love. Xavier hasn't beaten a good team all year long. There only mildly impressive win was at Florida. Minnesota however, has taken down Butler, Michigan State, Purdue, and the Fuckeyes. I don't think Crawford can carry Xavier past Minny. And if you look at what Crawford has done when up against tournament level competition, you will see that he and Xavier struggle. Minny-1.

So please Maniacs, shower down your sports betting knowledge upon us! Whatever you do, don't listen to anything Lil Strut says in the comments. I remember him getting all butt hurt about the Fuckeyes last year, he can't be trusted.

Also I have a little bonus play. How many Ottawa Hills housewives did Gene Cross bang out before skipping town? I'm putting the over/under at 13. Another fine hire Toledo!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Bracket Breakdown


The NCAA Tournament field is set. Nothing too shocking here. The bubble was quite weak this season. Anyone that didn't make it should probably shut the fuck up. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Virginia Tech coach Seth Greenberg. I am writing this at 7:15 on Sunday night and he was just on ESPN whining that the Hokies are NIT bound. You know what, fuck you, dude. Greenberg bitched about not knowing what the qualifications were to be included like he didn't know. Buddy, it is simple and it has always been this way: PLAY SOMEBODY. Your conference schedule isn't good enough. It never has been. You have to play people in November and December. When your out of conference RPI is 339, that is terrible. You have no gripe. It doesn't matter if you went 10-6 in the ACC, when you play a MEAC schedule before the conference season, you have no chance. I am sick of hearing these whiny coaches who don't get it. The only team that Va Tech had a relative bitch about was Florida. But they actually, you know, won a conference tournament game.

Enough with the losers, let's talk about the Dance. We will go region-by-region and break it down. First up, the Midwest Region, or as I like to call it, Holy Fucking Shit This Is Loaded.

Midwest:
Initial Thoughts - If Kansas is the overall #1 seed, that means that Ohio State is the worst 2 seed. What the fuck? That is stupid. Northern Iowa was ranked for a good chunk of the year and they are a 9 seed?
Upset Alert - San Diego State over Tennessee, Steve Fisher, bitch!!!
Top 4 seed who won't make it to the second weekend - Ohio State. First of all, Kansas, Georgetown, and Maryland aren't losing this weekend. Second, Matta killed his starters to win the Big Ten this weekend and that's going to wear on them at some point. Third, Ohio State caught a lot of breaks to get to the Finals. I've got to think that eventually, it's going to run out. Georgia Tech could give them some problems if they meet on Sunday with Derrick Favors.
Dark Horse - Maryland. I really like this team but they got a tough draw. They could give Kansas a tough game in the Sweet 16.
Going to the Final Four - Kansas but they are going to get pushed

West:
Initial Thoughts - This is really fucking dull. There are no stud players in this entire region. When the best player is on 7 seed BYU, that is weak. I can tell you one thing, Pitt makes the second weekend every year. I don't even need to see who they are playing, I know they are going to win the first two games.
Upset Alert - UTEP over Butler. Book it, this one is happening. Butler is way past due for a loss and Derrick Caracter will eat the Bulldogs alive in the post. UTEP is ranked #25 but somehow ended up a 12 seed. That makes no sense.
Top 4 seed who won't make it to the second weekend - Kansas State. Consider me a non-believer in Frank Martin. He just looks like an idiot. And yes, that is two two seeds that I have losing early.
Dark Horse - Gonzaga. Keep in mind, Syracuse is banged up. The Zags are still a solid team. I probably won't pick them to win, but I would not be surprised if they send the Orange home early.
Going to the Final Four - BYU. Yep, I'm sold. This bracket is weak. And BYU has the hottest cheerleaders on the planet as I've told you many times. That's all I need to know. And I really like the name Jimmer Fredette.

East:
Initial Thoughts - Kentucky's path to the Final Four isn't that tough, but they will be in some slugfests. If Texas can ever figure their shit out, they could beat UK. But they won't and they won't. Temple won the A-10 and is a 5 seed? Cornell a 12? That's bad seeding right there. West Virginia got hosed. They should have been a 1 seed. Clemson/Missouri might be the worst first round game ever. Marquette/Washington might have something to say about that though.
Upset Alert - Missouri over Clemson. Why would you ever pick an Oliver Purnell-coached team in the tournament?
Top 4 seed who won't make it to the second weekend - Wisconsin. I think that Temple beats them. Although if the Badgers do go on to face UK, I could see their fundamental style bothering the young Wildcats.
Dark Horse - New Mexico. These guys are really good. They are the only team this year to KILL the RedHawks. That has to mean something, right? Right? Hello?
Going to the Final Four - Kentucky. I would love to see them play West Virginia though. That would be a fucking war.

South:
Initial Thoughts - Ugh, any bracket with Duke leading the way is going to be terrible. Look at those top 4 seeds! The way that Purdue played this weekend, they should be in the play-in game. Notre Dame is either going to lose in the first round or win 3+ games. They are going to bust A LOT of brackets. Honestly, I didn't even know that Texas A&M was even ranked let alone 5 seed caliber. This is going to be awful.
Upset alert - Utah State over A&M AND Siena over Purdue. Spokane is going to get a 12/13 second round game. Mark it down. I like Utah State because they are coached by my boy, Stew Morrill, who I named the ugliest coach in college hoops awhile back.
Top 4 seed that won't make it to the second weekend - Purdue. Come on, 11 points in the first half?
Dark Horse - Baylor. I've only watched these guys once but they impressed me. I have very little faith in Villanova these days.
Going to the Final Four - Notre Dame. What would the NCAA tournament be without a Hansbrough in the Final Four? Honestly, I think the winner of the Baylor/ND team wins the region. It sure as shit it won't be Duke.

So there you go. It doesn't matter who else makes the Final Four. We ARE going to get a Kansas/Kentucky championship game which would pop a monster rating. I do think that this will be one of those weird years where we see some Cinderellas and thus I am picking the Mormons (BYU) and the Catholics (ND) to be in Indy on April 3rd.

Once again, we have a bracket challenge set up that I invite all of you to join. Last year's winner, Bruns, was finally given his reward over Christmas (I'm timely!) and it was a History of the Cleveland Browns DVD. We'll give something away this year, too, or you can write a post here. I guess I will have to wait and see who wins and then determine the prize (I would mail a box of shit to Beanie). Either way, click HERE to join the group. The league ID is: 56552. And the password is: evanturner. I didn't create it as you can imagine.

I can't wait for this thing to begin. I'm off Thursday and Friday. I'm having people over on Thursday afternoon so if you live in central Ohio, let me know if you want to come over to the mansion. I am providing no food and no drink but I do offer a large HDTV, ample parking, daily Who concerts, two couches, and two recliners (although no one but me is allowed to sit in mine). I am an awesome host.

Less Desirable Than Jake Delhomme!


Enjoy the gay bars in Denver, Brady Quinn. Enjoy still being a bust. Enjoy being wanted less than Seneca Wallace and Jake Delhomme. Enjoy backing up The Kyle Orton Express. Enjoy knowing that your value in the NFL is a backup fullback and two shitty draft picks.

Is Mike Holmgren trying to get fired already? Who trades for Seneca Wallace and actually wants Jake Delhomme? Awful. Just awful idea. The Redskins signing Larry Johnson (which actually makes at least a bit of sense) looks like the greatest move ever compared to what the Browns are doing.

Friday, March 12, 2010

I Admit...That Was Impressive

(DURRRRRRRRRRRR...I like to eat ribs with G$! True story, I was at a rib joint with this bricklayer one night)

I'm man enough to give my enemies credit when it is due. With the Big Ten tournament underway, I'm willing to dish out some props. This isn't going to look right but I swear that it is legit...

Ohio State had a hell of a season. I'm not sure how it will end up, but you can't deny that anOSU has exceeded everyone's expectations. I could see them getting upset by a 14/15 seed or getting into the Elite Eight. I don't think that they have the horses for a Final Four run though. That is just my opinion though. Eventually, you would think that the lack of depth would catch up to them. Let's touch on a few things about this year's Buckeye team (I promise, this is not going to be a bunch of shit-talking).

Evan Turner - He is really, really good. Even when he has an off night, he still controls the floor on both ends. You don't find players like this everywhere. I've heard some people complain that he was not the unanimous Big Ten player of the year this season. To that I say, get a fucking hobby. Who cares? He has a real solid shot at the Naismith Award this year, although if I had a vote, I would have a hard time not voting for Grievis Vasquez. But they are both deserving. Turner is also being considered as the possible #1 pick in the draft now. Very impressive for a black kid with the whitest first name ever.

David Lighty - You know, when he came in with Oden and Conley, he was terrible. Just an awful jumper. But he really has blossomed into one of the better glue guys in basketball. Nice example of sticking with it and reaping the rewards of it later.

Jon Diebler - Still sucks. Just stop, Drew and Damman. This guy blows. In the 70% of your games when he is off target, he gives you nothing.

William Buford - What do you think? Does he leave early? I was surprised that he came back this year actually. He has been playing well but he does seem like a guy with a Drew Gooden Hoops IQ. That is not a compliment. I am growing quite fond if his dinosaur head though.

Dallas Lauderdale - Good shot blocker but that's about it. Anybody can average 7 and 5. You give me 25 minutes and I'm dropping double/double's, bitch.

The Bench - HAHAHAHAHA! Other than Titus, they all suck. How can you be a school like anOSU yet have no one decent coming off the bench? This also helps to explain why Diebler starts. Actually, I believe that the bench is thin due to my boys, KoKo and Byron "D-League" Mullens.

Thad Matta - I won't lie, I have never thought much of Thad's coaching skills. He always came off like a spastic buffoon to me. Sure, he can recruit with the best of them, but I never felt that he got the most from his players until this season. Thad did an amazing job this season especially when Turner was destroyed by Eastern Michigan. And he really should be getting some love for national coach of the year. I don't know how smart it is to have a 6-7 man rotation, but it's worked so far.

I guess if I have one major negative about anOSU hoops this season (other than the worthlessness of Jon Ribsler), it's with the arena. Value City Arena is a fucking awful basketball arena. It's way too big. The students are too far away. They can't fill it. The college basketball experience isn't supposed to resemble an NBA game. There is no intimacy there. It sucks. God dammit, go back to St. John's Arena. That place is bad-fucking-ass.

That felt awful to say all those nice things about my mortal enemies. That Sullinger asshole seems like a guy that would be easy to hate next year though. So at least I've got that to look forward to next year. And more Diebler missed open looks, too! In closing, let me make an early prediction for you. I mentioned Maryland stud homo, Grievis Vasquez, earlier. Mark it down, either the Terps or Wisconsin (another sleeper for me) will be in the Final Four this year. I really like both of those teams. And with that, enjoy conference tournament weekend and Selection Sunday, bitches.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Horse Balls Was Right

I was living in Cleveland at the time that I turned 24. Over the weekend of my birthday, the Redskins were in town to face the Browns. Both teams sucked at the time as you might expect when Jeff Garcia and Mark Brunell are playing prominent roles on each team. But the future wife got us tickets to the game anyway. I was well aware of what would happen to me if I showed my true colors so I wore non-descript, unbiased clothes to the game. I kept myself in check during one of the few good plays that the Skins made. I was one of the fortunate ones. A few rows ahead of me sat four rather large black men. They were draped in burgundy and gold. They were harrassed (uncreatively, I should add) constantly.

At some point in the third quarter, the Browns fans behind me began throwing shit at these guys. All of a sudden, the foursome stood up, walked up the aisle, and the guy in the Fred Smoot jersey just started beating the shit out of the Browns backer who was launching peanuts at him during the previous series. It was surreal. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. First of all, the Skins fans were the only people ejected and, secondly, no one sitting in my section could understand why "Smoot" freaked out and started beating ass. I guess their belief is that if you come into their stadium and support the opponent, you deserve everything that comes your way. Do you think that this happens at Lambeau Field? Of course not because Packers fans know what class is. By the way, I will never go to Cleveland Browns Stadium again.

That being said, every single word that Derek "Horse Balls" Anderson said about Browns fans is true. They are assholes. They don't deserve shit. They behave like fucking criminals. I'm not saying that all of them are like this, but I would say a vast majority of them are. And before you people start trying to tell me that this happens everywhere, no it does not. Outside of Philly, Dallas, Oakland, and Jets games, these acts of douchebaggery aren't common. Hell, when I was in Cincy last year, no one said a fucking word to me and I was drunk as shit. No one threw things at me or tried to dump beer on my head. They were there to watch a game and not to start a brawl with the opposing team's fans.

When I have to use Cincinnati residents as an example for how you should behave, that is pathetic.

So let's take a look at ol' Horse Balls' quotes that he never should have recanted anyway. STAND BY YOUR SCORN, DA!!!

"The fans are ruthless and don't deserve a winner," Anderson said in the e-mail Tuesday. "I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured.

You have to admit, that is fucking weak of the fans. I'm sure that a good chunk of those cheering were directing it toward Brady Quinn. And that is a lie, of course. In hindsight, how funny is that? Quinn is even worse. But I'm not fooled. These people did the same thing when Tim Couch got hurt back in the day. Seriously, who cheers when one of their own goes down? That's bullshit. It's not like Horse Balls was TRYING to be awful. It's not his fault that your shitty franchise overpaid the shit out of him. Well said, DA, if the fans are going to act like cavemen, they don't deserve to win. Fortunately, they won't have to worry about it since the "savior" is pissing away picks for Seneca Wallace.

"I know at times I wasn't great. I hope and pray I'm playing when my team comes to town and [we] roll them."

Well, at least we know that DA is self-aware. That 45% completion percentage didn't make him stupid and awful...just awful. And I hope he gets the chance to come back to Cleveland someday and stick it up their asses. Because someone needed to say it. I'm surprised that it wasn't Braylon or Winslow though. Browns fans are fucking neanderthals. You would think that all those years of abject failure would lessen their sense of self-worth, but you would be very wrong.

Personally, I think it would be hilarious if DA's revenge went like this: he waits around until after a Browns game. Then he follows a car full of Browns fans where the driver should definitely not be behind the wheel. He waits for said car to swerve off the road and smoke a telephone pole going 55 mph. He gets out of his car in an apparent effort to help. But he stops before reaching the carnage and just starts slow-clapping. And then he does that obnoxious whistling thing that people do. The mangled remains of douchebag Browns fans are hanging out of all the windows and here DA is to cheer them on. How sweet would that be? Talk about a sweet comeuppance. And if you think that Horse Balls sucked, just wait until you sign Jake Delhomme.

In short, Browns fans are assholes. You just don't hear much about them because their team is terrible. Derek Anderson was 100% correct in his assessment. Brady Quinn is still a fag. That about sums things up. Damn, I've been going off on a lot of tangents recently.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

No Other Way To Describe It

Embarrassing. Flat out embarrassing. But I will get to that in a minute.

Whew. It feels good to be back. For those of you unaware, my grandmother passed away late last week. It sucked, as burying loved ones always does, but the best thing for me to do personally is to get back to the grind. That means writing. So with that being said, much thanks to Mr. Ace for taking care of the place while I was out. I've got a rant today that Ace touched on earlier this week, but my thoughts have been building up over the past four days and I need to unload them.

Ben Roethlisberger, you are an embarrassment. I didn't think that anything could make me less proud to be a Miami alumnus than 3 wins on the football field over the past two seasons, but I was wrong. Do you realize how much it sucks to have your school connected to a guy who has been accused twice within 10 months of sexual assaults? HE IS THE FACE OF THE FUCKING PROGRAM! I can't wear my Miami gear with pride anymore. We used to be "that place with the good business school, Wally Szczerbiak, and Big Ben". Now people wonder if everyone in Oxford is a rapist. That fucking sucks. And the sad thing is, I would still take those three years that Ben gave us in college. That speaks to how sad I am. I am the Ravens fan who doesn't care that Ray Lewis is a murderer because he won a Super Bowl. I am the Ohio State fan that ignores the Maurice Clarett Drunken One Man Army because it got them a ring.

Now before Grumpy starts firing off in the comments about how these are allegations, let me be clear about this: I don't care. Don't be naive. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you can't because you are guilty and everyone knows this. And it's not like these two incidents are the only instances of Ben being less than chivalrous. Everyone knows the rumors about his time in Oxford. Granted, none of these have been proven to be true yet. But when you wrap all of them up into a nice, neat little package, something doesn't smell right.

Speaking of bad smells, I know damn well that everyone of you, at some point, has been out at a bar when all of a sudden the stomach starts gurgling. Dammit, you knew that you should have dropped The Cosby's off at the pool before you left the house. The bar you are at doesn't have a door on the stall so that option is out. So here you are run-waddling a block and a half to Taco Bell hoping that there isn't piss all over the seat when you get there because this is surely going to be a photo finish. SUCCESS! You made it. You are doing your best Harry Dunn impression. You leave the bathroom and notice that a line of six guys are pointing and laughing at you. Time to head back to the bar where your friends will surely bust your balls for the rest of the night and the near future. But you learned your lesson and you will never make that mistake again. Hell, you will sit on the toilet for 20 minutes before leaving the house just trying to get ANYTHING out so you don't have to do that waddle of shame again. Only an idiot would not learn from this after the first time.

Do you see where I'm going with that? Big Ben is a fucking moron. I really believe that. How do you let this happen to you AGAIN? How do you get stuck in that position AGAIN? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TROLLING FOR COLLEGE CHICKS WHEN YOU JUST SIGNED A NINE-FUCKING-FIGURE DEAL TWO YEARS AGO! This guy is not just a retard, he is a real-life Simple Jack. Except that his "head movies" are snuff films. How can someone quarterback a team to two Super Bowl titles in 6 years and be so stupid off the field? It just doesn't seem possible. And why is he spending any of his time in southeast Georgia?

I swear, when he retires, Derek Jeter should do nothing but teach young athletes how to get everything that you want in life and not make a scene. Seriously, he does it how it should be done. He doesn't get stuck in hotel rooms with low-level employees like Ben and Kobe or hangs out at college bars. He bangs actresses, models, singers, and general famous people. He hooks up with people that don't want the extra attention and aren't looking to become famous. THIS IS HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO THINGS, FUCKO. He stays out of the tabloids and off of TMZ. Every male in America would kill for his life. He knows exactly what he is doing at all times and he would have the best PR firm ever.

Ugh. Again, this is embarrassing. I hope that this is not true. I really do. But I am growing tired of this shit. I'm tired of hanging my head in shame. I don't want Miami to be known for President Harrison and a serial rapist QB. I guess that just makes me old-fashioned.

No. No. Absolutely Not.


The New Era Pinstripe Bowl. This is apparently a real thing and not just a complete mindfuck. A company that makes nothing but baseball hats and memorabilia is now in the bowl endorsing business. The Yankees are now in on the bowl trend. The NCAA believes that it would be awesome to play a football game outside in The Bronx on December 30th every year.

THIS IS FUCKING STUPID. The Yankees are lying to themselves if they think that this bowl game will be a "classic" every year. Hell, it would suck if it was the Big East champ against the Big 12 champ. Yet all they are getting is third place vs. sixth place. This year, that would have given us something like West Virginny vs. Missour-ah or, as Hank Steinbrenner would like you to believe, RATINGS GOLD!

Even as a Yankees fan, the name of the bowl is irritating to me. I can't wait for this to fail miserably. And what will they do in a few years when the derelicts running MLB are still playing World Series games in late December???

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

NFL Free Agency: Cock Tease 2010

What the hell happened the to the craziest free agency ever? Where is all the crazy jack that was supposed to be getting tossed around? Why hasn't Al Davis made some average player the highest ever paid at his position? I think Antonio Bryant would look great along side Heyward-Bey in Oakland, pull the trigger Al! What the hell is going on here? The question I really want answered, why the fuck isn't Daniel Snyder signing washed up team cancers to 7 year $100 million contracts? Did somebody play a joke on Dan? That's what happened, isn't it? Somebody told Dan the uncapped year was supposed to be last year, why else would he pay Haynesworth 100 mil to only be out there stomping skulls 40% of the plays? Jim Zorn, you clever son of a bitch.

I'll be honest, this free agency period has given me some major blue balls. Not even the asinine amount of money the Falcons gave to an average cornerback, $57 mil!!!, really did it for me. The race for Julius Peppers didn't live up to the hype. Who the fuck wants to play in Chicago? Speaking of Chicago, are you ready to watch Jay Cutler break the single season record for INT's? I think the Bears have made some really good moves thus far and Chester Taylor will be a great fit, but Mike Martz + Jay Cutler= The worst of Rex Grossman times five. I can't wait for that train wreck.

Now here are some of the moves that actually make sense. The Giants had to pay Antrel Rolle crazy cash because their secondary was literally the worst I have ever seen in the NFL. Even with Rolle they still have the worst secondary in the NFC East, but it had to be done. The shocker of the entire free agency period is the Detroit Lions. Nate Burleson is a solid number 2 and a good go-to for Chubs Stafford, plus he is reunited with the man who helped Burleseon put together his best season as an NFL WR in Scott Linehan. Then Jim Schwartz gets his guy, Kyle Vanden Bosch. And then they nab Chris Houston for a sixth round pick. The Lions are making great fucking moves everybody, find a goddamn bomb shelter! But the best move so far is the Ravens stealing Anquan Boldin from the Cardinals for a 3rd and a 4th, and still managing to get back a 5th rounder. And look at his contract, 4 years for $28 mil and only $10 mil guaranteed, that's a fucking steal. The Ravens just shot themselves and Flacco's unibrow right to the top of the list of Super Bowl contenders.

Now, to my Eagles. First, I am thrilled to have Avant signed for another five years, he's one of my favorite Eagles and has the best hands in the NFL...yeah, I said it. Other than that, I don't know what the hell is going on in Philadelphia. I think the Reid boys have been lacing Andy's philly jelly donut cheese steaks with meth and he thinks we can start three quarterbacks and still have Brian Dawkins. Seriously, Donovan McNabb needs to be traded yesterday. The city is ready for him to go, the team is ready for him to go, and, most importantly, I am ready for him to go. Get the fuck out of Philadelphia, dammit! I want draft picks. I need a safety. I need a linebacker. I need a defensive end. I don't need three quarterbacks. Get out of my life, Donovan.

The way I see it there are two more big moves left in the off-season, getting McNabb's bitch ass out of Philly, and finding a new home for Brandon Marshall. I don't know where he will end up, but if I'm a young cornerback on a team looking at Marshall I'm loading up on Kevlar immediately.