Bad Boys, Bad Boys

Sometimes you just have to love the boys in blue. They keep us safe. They put their lives on the line everyday to make sure that us citizens are not threatened by the thugs of society.

Take Officer Vernon Wolford here for example. He was so concerned about the ills and dregs of society that he took initiative. He took the slogan "Protect and Serve" to a whole new level. You see, Officer Wolford (of south Columbus suburb, Obetz) was told to pick up some little hellraiser on a warrant. He did his job and collared the bitch. But then he took matters into his own hands.

The officer pulled off onto a side street. He explained to the criminal that he would make a deal with her. He would let her go with one rule. She had to blow him first. She obliged and sucked the pants off of him. When the job was finished, Officer Wolford decided that he was going to reneg on his end and took her to jail anyway. The entire time she was in jail, she was screaming about what the officer did to her. No one believed her though. Why would they? She was the one with the open warrant out for her arrest. But then things got a bit dicey. The gumshoe made one major mistake.

Officer Wolford left some of his DNA on her shoe. A crime lab confirmed. Clothes with ejaculate on it...not just for the White House anymore! Yeah, he's fucked.

So this fine policeman is staring some jail time (max of 5 years) square in the face. Sexual battery is clearly no laughing matter...except in this case when it most definitely is.

This is exactly why I could never be a cop. I GUARANTEE that I would become a dirty cop within weeks of the job. No doubt about it. I wouldn't necessarily request toothy blowjobs, but if I pulled someone over and they had a sandwich or a CD or a few bucks, I would surely take it and rip up the ticket. Especially for a sandwich. I want that sandwich, dammit. I could even see this scenario taking place.

G$: Mr. Clarett, do you know why I pulled you over?
Mo: (pointing an Uzi at me) No, honky.
G$: You were driving 115 in a 65 and swerving all over the place.
Mo: Fuck you, pig.
G$: I'll tell you what, you are clearly drunk and I see at least ten guns right now, but I am going to let you off with a warning if you give me the rest of that bottle of Grey Goose.
(And then he would shoot me in the face because no one takes Mo's Goose)

But back to Vernon Wolford for a minute. You may think that his story could not get any better, but it can. This time last year, Wolford was a security guard in MY OFFICE BUILDING!!! I saw this guy everyday. I said "hello" to him at least once a week! I know an actual sex offender! This is hilarious. I could not be prouder right now. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to spend the rest of the day looking at women in the building and wondering if they ever traded sexual favors with this guy. May you all have better weekends than Vernon Wolford.

Cashman Is Scaring Me

Brian Cashman made all the right moves last offseason. This year, it appears that his ego is getting the best of him. I'm not really sure why though. For a man who looks like a human raccoon, he should be a bit more humbled. Let me ask you a question: say I give you 7.5 million to sign a LF and a DH. You are coming off of a World Series championship so going bargain shopping for the Jerry Hairston's of the world is not really a viable option to your fanbase. You have to get at least a decent name who has some sort of track record. With the way baseball finances are changing, you can get some solid value for these two spots. You have two options:

Option 1: You give Nick Johnson 5.5 million and Randy Winn 2 mill. OR...
Option 2: You give Jim Thome the 1.5 million that he got from Minnesota and Johnny Damon 6 million.

IN WHAT WORLD WOULD YOU EVER GO WITH OPTION ONE!!! Nick Johnson sucks. He sucked when he was a Yankee 6-7 years ago. And he's always hurt. Randy Winn? Oh, you mean the 35 year old who has the longest streak of never playing in the postseason? Yeah, I want that guy. Oh, but he's a "plus defender" in the outfield. Who gives a fuck.

Look, I'm no baseball savant, but I do know that Jim Thome would hit 40 home runs behind A-Rod in that stadium. He's a great guy and probably deserves to retire with a ring. He has earned that. He should not be wasting his life in Minneapolis waiting to get swept out of the playoffs.

But I really don't understand entirely why Cashman is treating Johnny Damon the way that he is. He is a great guy and the Yankees would have absolutely not won the world series three months ago without him. So why jerk him around? I really think it's because of his agent. The Yankees are tired of dealing with Scott Boras and all of his scheister negotiating tactics. I do like the hard line that they have with him. But come on, Damon was SIMPLY DAMONIC last year. He earned another year. Now he's going to end up toiling away in Oakland, Detroit, or Cincinnati. And just wait, once the Randy Winn/Brett Gardner LF poo-poo platter proves to be a massive failure, Cash will be doing everything he can to trade for Johnny. Idiot.

At least the Granderson and Vazquez trades actually helped the team. Don't get me wrong, the Yankees are still going to win the World Series with relative ease again this year, but it would be nice if they did it with people I actually want to root for.

Groom Knows Dick: Photographer

Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, Mrs. Ace will soon be dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing...Groom Knows Dick.

So, I'm getting married in six months. A couple weeks ago I was informed that I would be making the trip up to Toledo with Mrs. Ace to meet with a couple photographers--just how I want to spend my Saturday. So I wake up at the ass crack of dawn so we can make it up to Perrysburg and meet with the first photographer at 10:00 am. We show up, and it's a fucking house. I'm expecting to go to a studio, I think she could afford one with the rapage of her prices, and I show up at this shitty house. We go up to the door and some kid answers the door and tells us to have a seat and offers us something to drink. Nice kid. Then the photog lady comes running down the stares and has absolutely nothing prepared. No albums setting out, no pricing documents, not even a goddamn single photo in eyes view. At this point I have already said no, so I didn't really pay attention once she got her shit together. Actually, I said no right when I saw her because she had such a thick mustache that I had to take a look at her genital region just to make sure she wasn't hiding a cock. I can't have a photographer with a hairy turd under her nose. No sir.

So the first meeting went well, obviously, because it only took about 20 minutes. Our next fucking meeting isn't until 1:00pm because the other photog broad only meets with clients over lunch or dinner. Blow me, lady. So Mrs. Ace gives me the choice of either going shopping(follow her around the mall until I become so much of an ass hole that she no longer wants to shop) or drive 20 minutes south to sit with her dad and watch her 10 year old brother play basketball. Fuck me...basketball it is.

So we are sitting there watching warm-ups and then the players come over and stand in front of the bleachers. I'm confused. Everybody stands up and then this little kid says he is going to lead the group in prayer. Again, fuck me. As if I needed another reminder that I was going to hell...and another reminder why none of my children will ever step foot in a parochial school. Alright, jesus time is over, lets go run up the score on these pussies. Mrs. Ace's brothers team has one good player. He runs a one man full court press by himself, no shit. He doesn't pass unless he inbounds the ball and then he demands to have it back immediately. This kid is a baller and he knows it. I bet he holds hands with at least five different girls every week. This kid was 4-6 from three point range...in the first half. Very impressive. The other coach, not so impressive. The opposing coach is pacing the sidelines like a lunatic and berating the players like they are fucking P.O.W.'s. He was doing everything but cursing them out, which probably would have been less offensive-- Why would jesus let such a bastard coach these kids?-- We stick around for just the first half and then head back up to Toledo, so I don't even get to see if the awesome kid got a triple-double or if the coach got ejected and then assaulted a ref. I'm assuming they both happened.

On the way back to Toledo, something great happens. We are just driving down the road and I take glance to my left. Holy cock and balls, that's a fucking lion in that persons backyard. I pull a U-turn and creep back by this place just to confirm what I saw. Sure enough, there is a sign in front of the place that says something about Exotic Animals. They have a fucking lion! In NW Ohio! Just laying on top of its cage! I just got the greatest idea ever....

But we have a fucking appointment to get to. Let's go eat lunch with these weird people so they can convince us to hire them or something. I'm at least thinking I'm going to get a free meal at B Dub's out of this. Well, at least this photographer had her shit together. She seemed nice enough, but her husband was a total doucher. The kind of guy who is super nerdy and kinda snorts and sniffles when he laughs. I could barely fight the urge to pull his underwear up his ass and give him a swirly. So we are done eating and the waitress comes over and asks how we are doing the bills. I sit there, dead silent, waiting for her to say all on one. She doesn't. That cunt. What kind of person demands you go out to eat for a meeting to discuss her services and then doesn't pick up the tab? That is just stupid. Of course, Mrs. Ace loves her. I can't support that kind of terrible business ethics. I don't care how exquisite and unique her digital photo album is, the bitch didn't pick up the tab...she is dead to me(Which means she is likely our photographer).

But, alas, there is an option C. My mom knows some guy who will do the pictures for half the price. He doesn't have all the high-tech queer shit that the others have --who really needs to be able to look at their wedding pictures online anyways?-- but he does a solid job and you don't have to pay an extra twenty fucking dollars for a single print. And you know what the best part of it all is? With the money we save with my mom's photographer, I can get a fucking lion at my wedding reception! I haven't looked into how much it actually costs, but it can't be more than the difference between my photog and Mrs. Ace's photog. Have you ever seen the Hangover? Of course you have. Did you love it? Of course you did. Would you want to fucking live it? Of course you would. Adding a lion to my wedding reception would be like having commenter Drew roam a playground before the parents found out he was a pedophile, shit is going to get fucked up and somebodies probably going to die. I'm alright with Dustin getting mauled at my reception for trying to feed the lion beer, I'm totally okay with that.

I am determined to make this happen. I have already written threatening emails to Mrs. Ace's choice of photographer. Hopefully they don't find the idea of having their children raped by Drew as enjoyable as Drew does.

Evan Turner Is Overrated

This post is going to rub many of you the wrong way. I know this. But sometimes, things need to be said no matter how unpopular it might be. And today, I am going to ruffle some feathers. I live in Big Ten Country. In the middle of this "country", is the capital of dickheads. Let's call this place, Asshole City, or "Columbus" as it is sometimes referred to as. Here, we are beaten over the head with delusions that the Big Ten is a good conference in every sport. Most of us know better. Some of us are just the by-product of generation after generation of inbreeding.

Anyway, Buckeye basketball player, Evan Turner, is widely regarded as a stud baller around here. It's hard to argue against that, too. Hard, but not impossible. Today, I plan on doing the impossible. I plan on making you a believer that Evan Turner is overrated. Many NBA Draft gurus having him going 2nd or 3rd this year. It is my job today to convince you that he shouldn't even be taken in the first round. Now before blood comes shooting out of your eyes and ears out of anger, Buckeye fan, here me out:

*He gets pushed around by guys who play physical - He is a finesse player who does not like to get his nose dirty.
*He is a better scorer than he is a shooter - He won't be able to drive that easily in the pro's and his jump shot needs a lot of work.
*He needs to improve his range and consistency - Guards are expected to make 3's in the Association and he needs to learn to hit that shot consistently.
*His success at taking it to the rack will likely prevent him from working on his stroke.
*He sucked in the NCAA tourney loss to Siena - Not a clutch player.
*Still has an issue with turnovers - Just too careless
*He doesn't use screens well - He is a one on one player which is good if you want to play for the Knicks, not good if you want to play for a decent team.
*He is injury prone - What sort of pussy breaks his back against a shitty team like EMU?
*Evan is a pussy name - It will never be as gay as Ethan though. You just know that someone named Evan is soft. It's just science.

With all that being said, I would not take Turner in the first round. There are just too many question marks surrounding him. With the injuries, turnovers, poor shooting stroke, lack of performing in the clutch, and faggot name, you can't take a guy like this high in the draft and expect him to be a superstar and franchise player. You just can't do it. I wouldn't touch Evan Turner with Greg Oden's dick.
Come on...I don't believe a word that you just read other than "Evan" being an extremely gay name. Turner is going to be a stud. He has a game like Dwyane Wade (don't even get me started on all the fucked-up whistles that he gets in his favor though...I LOATHE Wade). He is going to be just fine. Eventhough everyone who has come from anOSU has played below expectations since Jimmy Jackson, Turner should change that. He's no John Wall, but he's going to be a heck of a consolation prize to the team that misses out on Wall. For what it's worth though, all of my bullet points are considered Turner's weaknesses by draft sites. I don't follow the game close enough to get all that shit.

So why did I write this post, you ask? Well, I like to get under the skin of anOSU fans. That is always enjoyable. But basically, I just wanted to know what it felt like to be Skip Bayless for a day. It was pretty much like I thought it was going to be...shitty. You know, by being the voice of the wrong side of an argument and digging myself into a bigger hole with each sentence of horseshit that flows from cock-storage of a mouth. It does not feel good. I don't know how he does it. If I were him, I would have killed myself a long time ago.

I hate Skip Bayless.

Free At Last!!!

Not that I need to remind you all of this, but Mr. Ace is a little bitch. His usual Tuesday post of retardery is not coming today. He has blogger's block and apparently some sort of schooling to attend to. I guess that this would be graduate school of some sort but I have a hard time believing that any reputable institution of higher learning would want him. He's probably going to DeVry. With that being said, he's off today (but WILL be posting something later this week, fucker) and I have to actually be creative on a Monday night. I think I've got something though.

Against all odds, my marriage is about a week away from hitting the 6 month mark. Vegas made a killing on all of you betting the under. Obviously, life has slowed down a bit as a result of being the world's bitchingest husband ever. But this coming weekend, She$ is heading back to visit her parents so Ol' Captain Kickass gets a 48-72 hour stretch of doing what the fuck he wants, when the fuck he wants. She did this awhile ago but I didn't take advantage of it. I want to now. I've got some options, let's run down a few of them.

1. Watch a bunch of movies - I've got a few DVR'ed and a couple coming via Blockbuster, but I can do this any weekend. I don't want to do this.
2. Get fucking hammered - The me from 3 years ago would do this. Me now...not so much. Although I would like to see the wife's face when she realizes that I cleaned out her entire wine rack in two days.
3. Clean the house - I could be a good husband. I don't want to be a good husband though. It's MY weekend.
4. Study Pro Bowl rosters for gambling purposes - Who am I kidding, I can't bet against the NFC.
5. Watch a ton of college hoops - Are there any big games this weekend? I know the RedHawks play EMU on ESPNU at noon on Saturday (why is this televised?).
6. Go to Argosy or Wheeling for some casino gambling - This idea is gaining steam in my head right now. It would require some lying to the wife (if you are reading this, wife, I NEVER LIE TO YOU!) and if she knew what I was doing, the free weekends might be few and far between in the future. But I am open to the idea.
7. Start planning my Super Bowl menu - We have a ton of cookbooks laying around the mansion. Preparation for the big game is key. I have a feeling that whatever I decide upon, I'm going to need a shitload of cheddar cheese.
8. Work on this site - This is not an option.
9. Host a poker game - If I'm too lazy to drive to the Ohio River, maybe I could have some of the fucks who comment here over. Nah, we have candles in the house which means Dut would eventually start pouring wax on his nipples. I don't need that.
10. Work out a lot - I've been lifting weights a lot recently. I don't really know why. I guess it has helped me lift up Naptown Wolverine's mother. But I never really had a problem with that anyway.
11. Poo with the door open - Downstairs, if you leave the bathroom door open, you have a great view of the TV. You can bet your ass that this is happening.

As you can see, I've got options. While wasting away on the couch sounds like a great idea in theory, I don't want to do that the entire weekend. I do that enough as it is. That means moving around a bit. That means rotating meals between Little Caesar's Hot & Ready's and the new Chinese place down the road that kicks fucking ass. Either way, I want to embrace my weekend furlow back into bachelorhood. Leave your thoughts for how I can achieve peak greatness in the comments, please. And gay bars are not an option. Unless you want to round up a posse to play Smear The Queer. In that case, let me get a 2X4 from the garage.

The Worst of the Conference Championships Vol.III

(If this isn't the best non-porno picture ever, it's got to be close. I bet that his tears taste like Heaven and grits.)

It was about damn time that we got some good football. I was getting nervous. Both games, while sloppy at times, were at least competitive throughout. But before I get going on the worst of the worst, I need to say something. To Sean Payton, that was an absolutely horseshit gameplan and play-calling yesterday. You should be embarrassed. Your team should have lost by 20 points. Thankfully, the opponent had a fetish for giving you the ball. You need to be better than that. That was not the Saints offense that rolled through the entire season. That was a joke. Speaking of jokes, I don't like it when the two MVP's from yesterday's games are both named "Pierre". What the fuck is that? Only pussies are named Pierre, not badass football players. But here we are, two weeks away from Super Bowl whatever the number is: The Battle of the Pierre's. They should play the game in Pierre, South Dakota and have former pro wrestler, Pierre Oullet, be the head referee. On with the discussion please, BUT FIRST!

Herm Edwards just picked the Jets and Vikings so expect the Colts and Saints to roll.--I said this on Friday in the comments. Please never doubt that Herm Edwards knows nothing about the NFL. Whoever he picks to win the Super Bowl, put your life on the opposite.

5. The PBA - Televised bowling has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Do to late football starts yesterday, I was able to catch The Tournament of Champions. This is a major. The #2 seed was actually a woman, Kelly Kulick (she is as butch as they come). She ended up winning the title. A woman won a major. This is like if Lorena Ochoa was allowed to participate in The Masters and then won a green jacket. Yet this would never happen because men and women should not compete together. And now I am officially done watching the PBA. I can not stand for a woman being the best bowler in the world right now. Can't do it. Is this misogynistic? Hell yes it is and I don't care. It's embarrassing. Earl Anthony and Dick Weber must be rolling over in their graves right now. Fuck you, PBA.

4. Jim Leonhard - The Jets safety who Peter King loves was just horrendous yesterday. He was terrible. He missed tackles. He was awful in coverage. He never got to the QB. The Jets defense outside of Revis just sucked. I said on Friday that the Colts would need big games from Garcon and Collie to win and the Jets let them do whatever they wanted. Peyton was outstanding though. Looks like he is saving his playoff choke for the big game instead. I need to say this again, I hate the Colts.

3. Jay Feely - What is the deal with all the kickers being rotten in the postseason? Good job missing those two field goals and not beating the spread, jerk. And why does Feely wear gloves when he kicks? Is it so he can get a good grip on...air? Fuck you, Jay. As far as the Jets offense, they played well. Sanchez was actually pretty good, Braylon was a playmaker, and the line kept the Sanchize clean. But they were never the same after Shonn Greene got hurt. That killed them. It was a great run by the Jets though and I look forward to years and years of Rex Ryan's continued awesomeness.

2. Adrian Peterson - Dude, HOLD ONTO THE FUCKING BALL. How can a player this great be so fucking bad when it comes to hanging onto the rock. Childress needs to treat All Day like James Caan treated Darnell Jefferson in The Program. Make him have to carry a football with him at all times this offseason. If he does not return the ball everyday and someone else does instead, he gets his legs broken. I think that's fair. The Vikings put the ball on the turf something like 6 times. Holy shit, that is rotten. Can you imagine if both Jim Caldwell and Brad Childress were coaching in the Super Bowl? Wow, that would have been worse than the current worst Super Bowl coaches ever, Tony Dungy and Lovie.

1. Brett Favre - HAHAHAHAHA!!! What a perfect ending. Classic Brett Favre. I love it when Classic Favre peers his ugly head out and destroys everything in his path. The game was over. The Vikes were going to the Super Bowl. Capt. Dickhead then launches an unnecessary abortion over the middle and gets picked off. Wonderful. This is what the Vikings deserve for selling their souls and cheering on their mortal enemy/Mortal Immunity. I loved every second of that. The Saints beat the shit out of him all game AND he still had enough in the tank to fuck up huge at the end. No one fails more miserably in bigger moments than Brett Favre. He is such a turd. Please retire now, fucko. Or he could come back and do the exact same thing that he did last night. I would take either one because his soul-crushing picks are just great.

And then there were two. We were 18 seconds away from suffering through the most annoying Super Bowl of all time with Favre and Manning going at it. Thankfully, we were saved and now all of us have a team to root for. And how can you not love the Saints? Two of their 3 QB's (Brunell and Chase Daniel) are former Redskins greats! FYI, the Colts have opened as 5 point favorites (BetUS) and 3.5 at The Mirage. I would not be surprised if that jumps closer to 7 the way that New Orleans played yesterday.

The Weekend For Depressed Fanbases

(GEAUX SAINTS! GEAUX NIPPLES AND UNDERBOOB!)

For as bad as the NFL playoffs have been through two rounds, there is one fact that I can't get away from. To me, these appear to be the four best teams in the NFL. Yes, they each have flaws but I don't care. These four teams are playing extremely well and they better fucking deliver some quality games on Sunday. Think about the four teams remaining. The Vikings have never won shit. The Saints have historically been horrendous. The Jets are the football Mets in that they are more destructive than productive and make their fans want to kill themselves. Hell, eventhough the Colts are good, let's not forget that they've only won one asterisk Super Bowl during this run and usually get upset at home in an embarrassing fashion. These fanbases get shit on every year and one of them will finally get to hold their heads up high. Which is why you should be rooting against the Colts. They have theirs already. This playoffs is for all the loser franchises out there. The people of Cleveland and Buffalo and Seattle and San Diego and Atlanta should all be rallying around these 3 putrid teams out of hope that one day, YOUR loser team can get it done.

And Colts fans have become obnoxious assholes. Don't believe me? Read the comments on any KSK post and see for yourself. They need to be silenced. Who would you rather have try to do that than the increasingly awesome, Rex Ryan? Speaking of which, how about some picks?

New York Jets (+7.5) @ Indianapolis (39)
-I can not wait for this game. What the fuck does Dyslexy Rexy have in store for Peyton? He beat the shit out of Palmer and Rivers and now he gets the big dog. And that's where I get a little nervous. The number for the Jets is 20. That is probably the max amount of points that they have in them. So, in essence, they need to hold the Colts under 20 points in their barn. That's going to be tough. You can forget about Reggie Wayne. He isn't going to do shit. So can the Colts make it to the Super Bowl with Collie and Garcon catching all the passes? Those two are going to need to make plays. I don't know if they will. One thing that I do know is that Shonn Greene is a stud and if he gets 100 yards, the Jets are going to win. Interesting note that I heard somewhere this week, the Jets have covered the last 8 road games that they played. Don't gloss over that. All that being said, I'm on the bandwagon now. With all the emphasis on the passing games in the regular season, in the postseason, stick-it-up-your-ass football still reigns supreme. I am a believer. The Jets are going to do it. Jets 23, Colts 19 (OVER)

Minnesota (+3.5) @ New Orleans (52.5)
-The AFC game has been getting most of the headlines this week but this one has the chance to be great. Who doesn't want to watch a game between two teams that can hang 40 points up? The Vikes are awesome because they ran up the score on Dallas. I expect them to catch at least one break due to that great decision last week. It worries me that Peterson can't run the ball anymore. This has been going on for 6 weeks now. If the Vikings can get to Brees, I like their odds. If they don't, they will lose by two touchdowns. It's that simple. I'm amazed at how little love the Saints are getting. Personally, beating the shit out of Arizona is just as impressive as beating the shit out of Dallas. Whisenhunt and Warner are actually good. Reggie Bush is playing like a guy looking to get some money from an agent. The Superdome is a true homefield advantage, too. The Saints are a much different team at home with those drunken idiots going apeshit for three hours. Almost everyone that I've heard this week likes the Vikings...I do not. There is no fucking way that a moron like Brad Childress is going to coach in a Super Bowl. Please, Will Smith, break Brett Favre's leg. It will be a good game with the Saints pulling away in the 4th. Saints 30, Vikings 21 (UNDER)

There you go. I'm betting on a Jets/Saints Super Bowl in Miami. That means that we will probably get a fucking Favre/Pey-Pey nauseating media-fest. Ugh, that would suck. Make your picks in the comments. Standings are below:

6-2: Drew, Li'l Strut
5-3: GMoney, Grumpy,
4-4: Naptown Wolverine, Jeff, Dut, Tony B
3-5: Upstate Underdog, Mr. Ace (who wanted you to moneyline Baltimore and Dallas last week), Andrew
2-6: Damman, Hoffman

Enjoy the games. Gamble wisely. Definitely make sure you have some sort of cheesy dip handy. I recommend Scoops to go with it. Scoops are quite possibly the best invention ever.

The Drama Is Over For Me

(Jim Brown had yet to beat his wife with an autographed Sports Illustrated...cross that off your bucket list, Jim! COM'EER GIRL!)

Now that we are officially done talking about college football here (finally), it is time to move on. Scanning the headlines though, there doesn't seem to be much to discuss. There does happen to be a highly intriguing LeBron/Kobe game tonight and I rarely talk about the NBA anymore so let's spend the day discussing some hoops. Yesterday, Bill Simmons decided to actually do what he is paid by ESPN to do and wrote an article about LeBron (he will probably need a vacation after his whole TWO columns this week). I am a Bron homer and defender and even I had to roll my eyes at how dick-sucking that article was. Jesus, that is the fluffiest of all fluff pieces. We get it. He's a freak athlete who can do whatever he wants.

And while LeBron came out a few months ago saying that he was done talking about his potential free agency this summer (which he has shockingly stuck to), that didn't stop Simmons from speculating about it. If you listen to his podcasts, Simmons wonders about this ALL THE TIME. Even Jim Brown was asked about this recently. I have no idea why his opinion was sought out regarding this matter, but Mr. Stupid Hat thinks that he should stay in Cleveland. Shut up, Jim Brown.

Anyway, let's just put an end to the drama now. LeBron is going nowhere. It just doesn't make any sense to leave right now. The Cavs can give him the most years and more money than anyone else and the team doesn't care about paying the luxury tax. He may only pick up his player option for next year, but he isn't leaving yet. The summer of '10 will end up being a disappointment. Why am I so confident? There are only five teams who have positioned themselves to be a player this summer. They are the Bulls, Heat, Nets, Clippers, and Knicks. And here is why none of those franchises make sense for Our King.

Bulls - Why would LeBron, who is trying to not be the next MJ but the first LBJ, go to the city in which he could never live up to the past? That would be stupid. He could win 5 rings in Chicago and he would still play second fiddle to Jordan (excellent hillbilly analogy, G$). Forget the Bulls, they are going to go after Bosh anyway.

Heat - Teaming up with Wade's wheelchair would lead to some boner-inducing basketball for sure. But Bron seems like a guy who needs to do this as the clear-cut leader of a team. Having two alpha dogs on the same team usually doesn't work out anyway. And the Heat play in front of empty arenas. Bosh would be a better fit here, too. Yes, I am assuming that Wheelchair stays.

Nets - Who gives a fuck if Bron is friends with Jay-Z? Who makes career decisions based on where their friends are? The Nets are 3 and fucking 37 this year. Why would any sane person go from the best team in the league (the Cavs are) to quite possibly the worst team of all time? Living in New Jersey is about the only place worse than Cleveland, too.

Clippers - They have money to spend. They have good young players. It is LA and could help that whole "global icon" nonsense. But this is historically the worst run organization in all of sports. The owner is just awful. And do you really think that a superstar like LeBron would go to a city where he would be playing second fiddle (there's that hayseed analogy again!) to the Lakers? Absolutely not.

Knicks - Ah yes, the "lure" of New York. Forget the fact that it is a horribly run franchise or that he would have to play with Darko and Eddy Curry, how can anyone resist the Knicks! Even with LeBron, they aren't a playoff team. Hell, they are a good three years away from being a contender. Does the best player on the planet want to wait three more years before getting another shot at a ring? With the salary cap going down exponentially after this year, it is unrealistic to get Bron and Bosh to NY. It just isn't going to happen. Mike D'Antoni has proven that his system does not lead to championships.

So, again, why would he leave a good situation that he already has? Dan Gilbert is willing to spend his ass off for him. For the second straight year, they have the best team in the league. He appears to be tight with his teammates. The city of Cleveland would take a trombone up the ass for him. It just doesn't make sense to leave. He is already arguably the most famous athlete in the country. Here's the thing: I could handle him leaving the Cavs if he were walking into a better scenario than what Ferry and Gilbert have in front of him (like say, signing with a team like Portland). But there isn't one. So if he were to move on this Summer, it would be for purely selfish reasons that would make him a villain in his hometown and around the country. Because it sure as hell wouldn't be about winning NBA titles. And you can't be a global icon when the world sees you as a me-first scumbag.

As I said at the beginning, I'm not worried. I truly do enjoy watching the Cavs play every night and I'm going to continue to for the rest of the season. This current team may win a title or they might not. But I am 100% sure that The King will be still wearing the wine and gold for the 2010-2011 season.

And if he isn't, then consider this part one of my suicide letter. If you hated this post because you are an asshole, enjoy this courtesy of MuDawg. Yeah, it's Icebox O'Shea from Little Giants all grown up and doing a softcore sex scene. Who's your boy?

Shitty Guest Post Day

Ugh. Sometimes I say and do stupid things. This would qualify as one of those bad decisions. If you recall, I said that whoever won the Bowl Pool contest could write a post for this site. Damman won. He wrote this shit below. I'm sorry. Who the hell wants to talk about college football in late January anyway? He's about as annoying as Mark May. I'm a man of my word though so here is his raw sewage.

Well, since I won a guest post on this terrible site due my vast knowledge of college football (Mr. Ace finished dead last, I believe--he finished behind She$!!!), I figured I should devote my post to college football. I was thinking, "What college football topic could I talk about?" I decided to talk about the greatest college football topic of them all, THE Ohio State University Football Team. After we gave the nation, all the talking heads, and The Money Shot haters a nice, big shitburger to eat with that trouncing of the fast and scary Oregon Ducks in the Rose Bowl, I figured today that I would put nice big bow on this past season and give small preview of next season.

I am going to break down each position grouping along with coaching, and give them a grade on this past season. I was way too lazy to do any research on this, so all of this is off the top of my head. But, I am really smart so here it is.

Quarterback (C) - I admit, I was one of those people calling for TP's head after the disaster at Purdue. But he was solid and mistake free the rest of the season and his Rose Bowl performance moved his grade from a D to C. If not for his out of this world expectations, he probably would have gotten a B on the season. But when are the #1 QB coming out of high school, you have to deal with those expectations. Hopefully, the Rose Bowl is a sign of things to come next year for his Heisman campaign. It's make or break for him next year.

Running Back (B) - This was a solid group with Herron and Saine leading the way. Boom and Zoom are not flashy, but they are solid pass catchers out of the backfield (Zoom especially) and they hold on to the ball. Holding on to the ball is skill that Jim Tressel somewhat likes. Like I said these guys are not spectacular and I prefer my RB's to be bruisers. I really missed watching Beanie stiff arm every linebacker that tried to tackle him, but I guess his kind of talent doesn't come around too often. So I should just shut up and not complain about a group that helped put up 3 straight 200 yard performances at the end of the season.

Wide Receiver/Tight End (C) - Much like the running backs, this group was not special, but they were solid. Posey showed that he has potential to be that big play threat and my man crush Dane Sanzenbacher is fearless going across the middle. Jake Ballard was a steady blocker and his catch in the Rose Bowl will go down forever in Buckeye lore.

Offensive Line (B) - This unit has been criticized more than any other during Tress's tenure as coach, and rightfully so. They have been really bad for many of those years. Even in the great '02 season, the immortal Mo Clarett made them look a lot better than they were as we all saw when Lydell Ross and his counterfeit Vanity money ran behind them. But this group really came together this season. The pass protection was better (not great) and the run blocking was much better down the stretch as every team knew we were going to run the ball and they couldn't do anything about it.

Defensive Line (A+) - Cam Heyward, Thad Gibson, Doug Worthington...take a bow. This group was as dominant as any defensive line I have seen in all the years of my Buckeye fandom. It rivals the '02 group led by "The Fresh Prince of Columbus," Will Smith. They were disruptive in every area of the game and were just a whole lot of fun to watch.

Linebackers (A) - Spitler, Homan and Rolle made up a great trio of play making LB's. These guys were sure tacklers and had a knack for making the big play. Always in the right spot, never out of position.

Defensive Backs (B) - The only reason this group does not get an A is because of the extreme suck that is Anderson Russell and Chimdi Chekwa. Kurt Coleman was an absolute stud, top 5 safety in the country. Devon Torrence had a very solid and surprising year. Russell is the slowest black guy DB that I have ever seen and Chekwa is the most overrated CB at OSU since Nate Clements. Sorry Kurt and Devon for having to play with these guys all year.

Coaching (C) - I'm sorry, I still cannot get over the chicken shit play calling in the USC game. I give credit to Tress for rallying the troops to finish the season the way they did. But a C is the best I can give him. That loss still kills me.

Pre-Season Top 5 for 2010:

1. Alabama - Nick Saban is the devil, but the guy can coach and they have a whole lot coming back.
2. Ohio State - 16 starters back, 8 home games and a (hopefully) electrifying QB. Yeah, I like their chances.
3. Boise State - They lose one starter. Could this be the year they finally get a shot at the Big One?
4. Texas - They aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
5. Iowa - That's right, the Big 10 is back. Iowa should be better than this year.

I look forward to Ace, G$ and all the rest of you haters' illogical insults in comments. All I can say is get used to it. The Buckeyes are not going anywhere (ed. - but Hell) for a long time.

Well, that sucked. Thankfully, I included an amazingly racktastic picture of Annie Wersching from 24 to help ease your pain. She can cut my thumb off any day.

A Guide to Storming the Court/Rushing the Field

(How fucking cool is that guy?)

I chose to spend my Sunday afternoon recovering on the couch watching basketball, not wasting my time watching the Cowboys get a Viking horn shoved up their ass. Michigan finally gave me something to cheer about, probably the first time since back in September when I was at the ND game. A great win for Michigan...and then the students stormed the court. Storming the court in this situation is unwarranted and makes Michigan look like some lowly Mid-Major. I couldn't believe it when it happened. I expect such things from ratarded fan bases like Fuckeye Nation and Sparties, but not one as dignified and generally intelligent as Michigan fans. Shit like this has been happening way too often lately. For example, the Indiana Hoosiers stormed the court this year...after beating Minnesota. First of all, there are certain programs in certain sports that just shouldn't storm, ever. The Indiana basketball program is one of them. If you were a Hoosiers fan witnessing that, you should have been embarrassed, even more embarrassed than I was as a Michigan fan Sunday.

I think it is time to set up some rules for Storming the Court and/or Rushing the Field. First, let me drop some credentials on you. I was part of one of the greatest moments of rushing the field ever back when Toledo beat a top five Pitt team at The Glass Bowl. I think a couple people got paralyzed and possibly died, I'm serious, and that moment nearly single-handedly forced the NCAA to up security, grease the goal posts, and even install goal posts that can be taken down immediately after a big win. We marched the goal post out of the stadium and up Stadium Drive, knocking the lights of off police vehicles in the process--the police didn't give a shit--and eventually dumping the goal post in the Ottowa River. Fucking classic. You know rushing the field is righteous when the cops are cheering you as you tear the lights right off their vehicle. Last year, I attended the Duke vs. Michigan game at Crisler Arena. I'll just let you watch the video:

That was awesome. That was totally warranted. That pretty much sealed the deal as far as Michigan getting into the tourney was concerned. It had been a decade since Michigan participated in the NCAA Tournament. It's experiencing moments like these that make me one of the foremost authorities on the practice of storming.

The Rules:

• If you are part of a major conference and are a ranked team, you don't storm. Unless this is a big rivalry game, and I mean a dirty, nasty rivalry not just traditional...Duke/NC, Michigan beating Sparty, and such...as a Toledo fan and student I naturally hated everything Marshall, especially their inbred fucks for fans. I would have no problem if any MAC school stormed when beating Marshall. We used to slit the tires of any vehicle that had Marshall gear whenever they played in Toledo.
  
• If you are part of a major conference and unranked and beat a ranked Mid-Major(Memphis excluded), you don't storm. Unless you are some terrible, terrible team--Depaul? Penn State? Nebraska? Colorado?-- then you don't storm when you beat fucking Butler.
• The Michigan Rule- If you start the season ranked in the top 15, you don't storm. Michigan starting the year in the top 15 and then beating a #15 UConn squad does not warrant a storm. However, let's say you are Butler, or some other Mid Major, who is ranked in the top 15 and you beat a top 5 team in your house, you fucking storm.
• The Fuckeye Rule- If you beat a team that is forced into starting their shitty backup QB and it takes you overtime to beat them, you don't storm. Get a fucking clue fuckeyes.
• The Iowa Rule- If you are the #12 team in the nation and you beat an unranked team at home, you don't fucking storm. Iowa squeaked out a win against Michigan 30-28 this year and they rushed the fucking field when time expired. Show some class, that shit is bush league.
• Mid-Major court storming is smiled upon much more. The guys over at Storming The Floor(link do their own rules) share this feeling with me. There are so many more opportunities for righteous storming among the Mid Major conferences, particularly those that are perennial one-bid conferences.
  
• The last second prayer is the only trump card. The last second prayer has its own set of rules and allow storming on many more occasions.
  

Storming is reserved for special occasions. Take, for example, Kansas State. They beat #1 Texas last night and still had the dignity not to storm. That takes some real class.

I'm tired of seeing this shit every other night. I, personally, blame the booze. Even something as great as alcohol has its downside. These kids get all jolly chugging Natty and Kamchatka and don't know what to do with themselves when an opportunity to get on court and pinch some coed ass arises. Yeah, I said it. Unrighteous storming stems from sexual assault and cheap booze.

So let's please begin to exercise some restraint when it comes to storming, America depends on it.

The Worst of The Divisional Round Vol.III

God dammit, it's getting harder and harder to defend my "NFL is superior" argument when they continue to offer 1 good game out of 4 in the playoffs. This is getting ridiculous. Sure, if you are a gambler, the over/under will keep you paying attention, but still. Ugh. I have a feeling that both championship games on Sunday will be good, but I wouldn't bet on it. One thing I would like to say before we get started with the hate, is that Dan Dierdorf is a great color commentator. There, I said it. Yeah, he has a lisp and tends to overanalyze things, but I like him anyway. He drops good insight all the time and you can tell he loves the game. He and Gumbel should be the A team for CBS. Dierdorf rules. I stand by this. The non-DD's from the weekend:

5. Rocky Top - Who, or what, is a fucking "Derek Dooley"? Tennessee is one of the best jobs in the country and they are settling on some asshole from La Tech? I don't get it. Who cares about who his dad is? I guess my biggest bitch is that they didn't even contact Mike Leach. This would have been a perfect fucking fit. Leach already looks like a fat Vince Gill. He would have instantly been a top 3-5 coach in the conference yet they hire a guy who is, and will remain, the worst coach in the conference. This is just an embarrassing hire. But then again, when the fucking coach from Duke says that he isn't interested, maybe it isn't such a great job anyway. At least we now know that Tennessee is a stepping stone job. That should shut those SEC assfingerbangers up for a little bit. Derek Dooley...he'll be gone in three years. Better start the coaching search now.

4. Arizona "Defense" - Counting the second half of the Packers game and the first half of the Saints game, the Arizona defense gave up 70 points. SEVENTY. They forced one punt in that time frame. Holy shit. They would finish in the bottom half of the MAC with a defense like that. But really, no one showed up for the Cards on Saturday and the Saints appear to be scary again. Which is good. I've seen enough of the Cardinals. They needed to go away. The Saints are more fun to watch anyway. I seriously thought that Kurt Warner may have pulled the ol' Gaines Adams on that hit in the second quarter. A shot like that will make it pretty easy for him to retire in the next few weeks. As far as the Saints go, what the hell got into Reggie Bush? He finally looked like the game-changing player that we all thought he would be. In the amount of time that it took you to read this, Arizona gave up another 21 points.

3. Ray Rice/Ed Reed - The Ravens appeared to have no business being on the field this weekend. I'm not going to hammer Joe Flacco for sucking though. No one, outside of Mr. Ace, thinks that he is worth a shit anyway. The Ravens needed a huge game out of Ray Rice and instead they got an equivalent to Julius fucking Jones. Between dropping passes and his red zone fumble, this was not Rice's finest hour. Baltimore did have a chance though after the one pass that Peyton threw over 6 yards downfield was picked off by Reed. But he carries the ball like it's a dirty diaper and Mr. Haiti punched it free. Is it just me or is Reed sort of overrated? He doesn't make nearly as many plays as he used to and it seems like he's always hurt. Sounds like he might be retiring this offseason. How fucking pathetic is it that this was the first time that the Colts have won a playoff game coming off of a bye. Tony Dungy, ladies and gentlemen!!! What a legend! The Colts better get their shit together because they aren't going to win the Super Bowl by throwing pussy passes. And they do NOT match up well against the Jets.

2. Norville/Philip Rivers/Nate Kaeding - Out of all the games this weekend, to me, the Jets winning was the least likely upset. Clearly, I know nothing. How dare I give Norv Turner credit. But I can't put it all on him. His QB was awful. Just awful. But that's why I like it. It is a lot of fun to watch a dickhead live Rivers fail. His stupid lofty passes are a joke. Also a joke, LaDainian Tomlinson. Man, he sucks. He should just retire. And let's not forget about Nasty Nate Kaeding either. Did you ever notice that he makes everything during the regular season yet misses everything in the playoffs? This is not new. He does it EVERY year. He is a fucking choker. Three missed field goals? Come on, homo. You know what, this game isn't on Norv at all. It's on the players. They gagged again. And I think I might need to start giving some respect to the Jets. That defense is just sick. Shonn Greene is going to be a stud for a long time. I don't know what the spread will be in Indy next week, but I'm guessing it's over a touchdown and I'm guessing that the Jets will play it tighter than that. Fireman Ed can still go fuck himself though.

1. TONY ROMO! SHAUN SUISHAM! - How awesome was that? Not only did the Vikings destroy Dallas in every facet of the game, BUT THEY RAN UP THE SCORE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! LOL! ZOMG! ROFLMFAO! Amazing. That was great. How fucking horrible was Romo. Two fumbles lost, a ridiculously bad pick, and was the holder for two shanks...let's just give him 5 turnovers for the day. Let this be a lesson, Tony Romo still can not be trusted. Not that I needed to remind you of that anyway. You all aren't that stupid. Shaun Suisham made me chuckle with his uber-fucktardery, too. He should never see an NFL field again. I don't know what was more absurd in this game: Marion Barber acting like a jackass after a 4 yard gain in the first quarter or the fact that the Dallas kickoff kicker wears gloves? What an objectionable franchise. I think Sidney Rice just scored again. The Vikes looked like the real deal but they need All Day to get more than 2.5 ypc if they want to have a chance next Sunday night. That won't get it done. But I can forgive Purple Jesus because for once he was not the fumbling machine on the field. I think Romo just turned the ball over again.

Another football season, another year without a Super Bowl for Jerry Jones. I'll take it. I went 5-3 on my picks (Lil Strut and Drew went 6-2...Mr. Ace went 2-6 and is bring up the rear). Not great, but still "profitable". The games next week better be a lot fucking better than the shit we've seen in the playoffs so far. But that means another week of listening to Mike Greenberg act like a fag...dammit. At least the Cowboys are gone...now we can all focus our hatred toward Favre. That worked out well.

Laying Down The Gauntlet

(This is what I assume Grumpy looks like and how he behaves)

Grumpy on 1/8: I actually like your picks.
Grumpy on 1/11: Hey dickhead, you may have been 2-2 ATS, but you were 1-3 in your picks. Stop fellating yourself, you have Mr. Ace for that.

And he continues to insult my prognosticating abilities. WELL WHICH IS IT, FUCKO!!! Do you love my picks or do you hate them? You know what, I really don't care. You pissed me off with your slander. I am throwing a challenge down now to all of you willing to enter. My picks against the spread against yours. And we'll make it even harder. We'll also do over/unders. If you think that you know more than me using your exceptional hindsight, prove it, fuckers. Same with you, Drew. You want to talk about how great you are in the Ace Pool thingy, follow it up by winning this. I might even give out a prize if the winner is ridiculously awesome (like going 11-3 or something). Just leave your picks (ATS and O/U) in the comments. We will go through the Super Bowl.

Arizona (+7) @ New Orleans (57)
I can see this going either way here. The Cardinals have to be spent after last week's game and the Saints are rested and ready to go. Or, the Cardinals have the momentum and the Saints are still the same fragile team that they were in December. I wish that this line was 7.5, it would be a much easier pick. Even with Jesus on their side, I don't see the Cards defense making enough plays on the road to stop Breesus. That's right, Breesus > Jesus. Give me the home team not covering but hitting the over. Plus, I'm one of those creepy fucks who thinks Kim Kardashian is hot, so I'll pick her wife. Saints 37, Cardinals 31 (OVER)

Baltimore (+6.5) @ Indianapolis (44)
The Ravens are fucking hot with the exception of their mutant QB. The Colts are ice cold and rusty. This is one of those games that we will know the outcome after the first offensive possessions. If the Ravens can run the ball, here is your upset of the weekend. If they go 3-and-out, punt, and Manning carves them up for 6 6 minutes into the game, this could be a 21 point blowout. Damn. I want to think that Bawlmer can keep it close but their QB was bad even before he became a gimp. Saturday night game...Colts fans are usually loud anyway but they've got a full day of drinking ahead of them...I like it. The Dungy Colts would lose this game. I don't think it happens this year. Colts 24, Ravens 15 (UNDER)

Dallas (+2.5) @ Minnesota (46)
I have absolutely no feel for this game. None. These two are about as evenly matched as possible. Bet on Romo? Do you really trust him on the road in the playoffs? Bet on Favre? Do you really trust Favre in the playoffs? Ugh. You can't win. The Cowboys have a slightly better defense. The Vikings have a better running game, better receivers, better kicker, and better d-line. The Cowboys have a better o-line, secondary, and linebackers. Both of these coaches are fucking horrendous. Most people say, when in doubt, take the points. I disagree here. When in doubt, take the home team giving less than a field goal to Wade Phillips. I think the Cowboys are content with finally winning a playoff game. Vikings 27, Cowboys 24 (OVER)

New York Jets (+7) @ San Diego (43)
This line started at 8.5 points and is now down to 7. This scares me. When THAT much of a shift goes toward one side, that side usually disappoints. Especially when that side features THE SANCHIZE! The Chargers have won 11 in a row but when they play good teams, it's usually close. San Diego is the only team in the NFL to score 20+ points in every game this year. I don't see that stopping here. That being said, the Jets match up pretty well offensively as the Chargers can be run on. How awesome is Shonn Greene by the way? I loved the 8.5 points earlier in the week...not so much now. I definitely do not care for only getting 7. I think the Jets will be able to score a bit but their luck runs out Sunday. Chargers 26, Jets 16 (UNDER)

All 4 games last week went over. I don't expect that to happen again. If I had to put a lock on one of these games this weekend--whew--I think I would on the Colts. Pey-Pey isn't going to turn the ball over 4 times like Brady did. There you go, pussies. My picks. Go ahead, try to beat me (off). FYI, once they are in, no changing. Fuck you, Jeff. Now if you don't mind, I need to prepare myself for my only trip this year to Millett Hall tomorrow. BEAT OU!

Bob Huggins Basketball Camp

Ever since my initial post on freshman basketball, Damman has asked when I would get around to writing about the week spent at Huggy's basketball camp. That day is today. Summer of 1996 is the time. The shithole neighborhood in which the University of Cincinnati resides is this place. Tomfoolery and terribly played basketball is the theme.

When Huggins coached at UC pre-hilarious DUI days, he held a HUGE basketball camp every summer. Schools from all over the state sent players down for 4-5 days of games against other schools. So I guess you could say that this was not like a camp at all considering that there next to no teaching at all. What a fucking rip-off. Anyway, I managed to coerce mom and dad to let me go in a fruitless attempt to make the JV team in the upcoming winter. Late on the third day, I finally saw Bob Huggins. Me and someone else that I can't remember were walking down an empty hallway in an auxiliary gym before a game and there was the lush, walking straight toward us.

15 year old G$: Hey Coach!
Bob Huggins: Don't even fucking look at me, you little bitch. You aren't even black. You haven't even tried to steal my wallet or watch yet. You could NEVER play for the Bearcats.

I may have embellished Huggy Bear's quote there considering that I don't remember what he said to me. He probably blew me off though. Asshole. There were three separate great events from that week where we stayed in one of the UC dorms. Allow me to share:

Chapter 1: Hazing the Seniors
-Like I said, I was going into my sophomore year and had very little basketball talent. I can't stress this enough. If memory serves me, we had just gotten back from our last game of the day and I thought it would be a great move to steal (I believe) after hours commenter, Hoffman's, towel while he was in the shower. Mission accomplished as I snagged it and threw it down 3 flights of stairs. Man, it was going to be hilarious watching him scurry down the stairs nude to get his towel. The only problem was that it wasn't Hoffman in the shower. No, it just so happened to be the starting Senior PG on the varsity team (who was pretty good but a world class asshole) who we will call "Bird". So instead of a harmless joke on one of fellow JV'ers, I ended up starting a goddamned war with the varsity. I figured that I was destined for a swirlie or at least a punch in the face. But pussy-ass Bird did nothing. He knew right away that it was me. Someone narced me out. Yet he did nothing. I like to think it's because he respected my awesomeness and future blogging prowess. In reality, Bird is a flaming fucking faggot. Shitty player 1, Good player 0.

Chapter 2: Our coach is a creeper
-Since our team, which was comprised of JV'ers and future non-basketball players, we played in the lower division. Thus, we always had to play on the shitty courts. We didn't even sniff UC's actual floor but then again, we didn't deserve to play there. None of us were carrying felony convictions (BURN!). So most of our games are in adjacent gyms or a fieldhouse or something else that wasn't a primary basketball facility. One of our games was in said fieldhouse in which there was an indoor track right next to the sideline. UC's track team was practicing or some shit at the same time we were playing. There were some coeds running by off and on for awhile. Rune, my dorm roommate for the week, was somehow allowed by our asshole AITF coach to occasionally say shit to him that players normally would not say to their coach. Like this:
Rune - If you dive for a ball here, you could lose a nipple (on the track surface)
(a few chicks run by)
Coach AITF - Speaking of nipples...
It was easily one of the top 5 creepiest things that I've ever heard someone older than me say. And if you were wondering, I guarantee that we lost that game.

Chapter 3: Tournament MVP's
-The last day or two of the "camp" is reserved for a big ass tournament. I don't know if you won anything if your team triumphed or not. You probably got an ass-grab from Huggins or something. Anyway, we had one of our tourney games at 9 am. It didn't go as I had planned.
Rune: What time is it?
G$: 9:52
Rune: What time is our game?
G$: 9
Together: OH FUCK!
Yes, we slept through the game. I think we were out of the dorm in under a minute, sprinting to the gym in some ill-conceived hope that the game was still going on or was delayed or something. It was not. Right by Nippert Stadium, our teammates were walking toward us. They were not amused. In fact, I have never seen Damman more pissed off in my life. It was hilarious. I think that they actually won the game, too, but I think it didn't really count for them since I wasn't there to enjoy it. We had a game a couple of hours later. Rune and I managed to make it to that one. Coach AITF didn't even yell at us. It wasn't worth his time, I suppose. He just sarcastically coffee-breathed out a "glad you two could make it". I'm pretty sure that I didn't play in that game (which would be our last for the camp). If I did, I bet that I racked up at least a "trillion" of some denomination. The rest of the team was pissed because they were exhausted. It was our fault. But God dammit, I needed my sleep!

All that being said, it was a solid week. Granted, it was the last time that I would play hoops for NHS, but still...good times. And I don't think that Rune and I should be taking all the blame for the sleeping fiasco either. Someone could have knocked on the fucking door. THE BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS.

The Middle Finger: Bobby Knight

HEY!!! Some of you old timers here probably remember this feature. Back in the glory days of this site (pre-Mr. Ace), I ran a weekly segment in which I called out someone for being a dick. I figured that I needed to dust off this old chestnut today after what I heard yesterday. You see, I don't expect old people to get it. Especially in the sports world. Once you reach a certain age, you no longer relate well to the changing times. You end up getting all butt-hurt over stupid shit, saying something even dumber, and come off looking like a queeftard.

This week's Middle Finger goes to the septagenarian shitstain, Bobby Knight.

My readers have made it well known that talking about steroids is not their cup of meat. And that's fine. It's sort of a ho-hum issue these days for people my age. Mark McGwire came out of the cheating closet this week by finally admitting to taking a ton of dirty juice in the ass. We all knew this. No big deal. Whether it was clean or not (obviously it was not), I enjoyed the summer of 1998's chase for 61. But Big Mac sacrificed his legacy for that one season and he has to deal with it. He will have the scarlet letter on his saggy, acne-covered man boobs forever. Fine. What I don't like is assholes like Tony LaRussa and Bobby Knight (who I'm quite certain have swapped semen) defending him.

Particularly Knight. Now I respect the man. He's a great color analyst for college hoops. He points out a lot of things that normal idiots like Vitale don't. I even like his plan to make players stay in college for two years so they don't just use universities as a stepping stone to the NBA. That's a great idea. But when people ask him questions that he is clearly unqualified to give his opinion, that is where everything falls apart. Take this for instance...for some retarded reason, Baseball Tonight had Knight on to discuss McGwire. He boggled minds with this nugget:

"Gatorade is a performance-enhancing substance. It replaces electrolytes in the human body that are used up during extreme exercise, so I've always had a real skeptical approach to all of this performance-enhancing stuff."

Oh fuck you, General. Are you fucking kidding me. Gatorade? You can't tell the difference between an illegal drug and Goddamn sugar water! Fuck you in your bushy eyebrows, prick. You could watch the entire series of The Hills and not hear a dumber quote than this.

And this leads me back to my point...why was a former college basketball coach and current analyst interviewed on a baseball show about performance enhancing drugs? He is not even remotely qualified to add to the discussion. It would be like bringing Matt Millen to cover the Super Bowl. So, fuck you, Bobby Knight. Maybe this middle finger up your ass will help differentiate a sports a drink from a muscle builder for you, dipshit.
And a quick additional Middle Finger goes out to the old fuck at my gym (I have reached "brick shithouse" status) who, for some reason, was watching Cops while on the treadmill. I thought that only assholes like Strut watched that shit. I have had that fucking "Bad Boys" song stuck in my head for over a week now. It's driving me insane. I can't get rid of it. Hell, watching the CBJ/St. Louis game last night, the Blues have some guy named Brad Boyes on their squad. BRAD BOYES, whatcha gon', whatcha gon', whatcha gonna do! I hate you, old guy, and I hope you die in a dumpster fire.

Hmmmm...

I'm having a hard time putting my finger on this one. Is Layla "Sweet Ass" Kiffin's husband an amazing opportunist or a complete fucking scumbag bastard?

I think I'm leaning toward option 2. This is now his third high profile job in three years. Yeah, I'm going with Lane Kiffin being a scumbag.

At least Lane and Rick Neuheisel can finally determine who the biggest douche in LA is (not named Adrian Grenier). In this case, I think I would go with Slick Rick. Oh, and USC is going to be seeing a lot more Emerald Bowls this coming decade than they will Rose Bowls.

You Want A Rant? Here's A Fucking Rant

(I am gay for Brian Dawkins and I'm okay with that)

Fuck this shit. I've had this eerie feeling in the back of my mind all year that my Eagles were not all that we were cracked up to be. Even D Jax's never ending parade of 50+ yard TD's couldn't bring me to shake this feeling. Last week, I realized exactly why I had those feelings. Saturday, that feeling multiplied into a rage that nearly led to me flying to Philadelphia and going on a Rambo style rampage and taking out anybody associated with the organization. We are a fucking house of cards, a total sham, and there are a million reasons why.

If I were Jim Johnson looking down on that pathetic excuse for a defense, I would come down all Paranormal Activity-like and possess a rabid pitbull, preferably one of Vick's, and bite Sean McDermott's tiny fucking testicles off. What a fucking abortion our defense is. How many times can a team run a fucking WR screen until you realize you should probably stop it? Get your bitchasses up on the line of scrimmage and in the face of the WR. When it is 3rd down, you fucking blitz. You blitz everytime. After last weeks shit show, Jeffrey Lurie should have dug up Jim Johnson's corpse and strapped it to Sean McDermott's back to remind him what kind of fucking defense the Philadelphia Eagles play. Ridiculous.

How the fuck can you be an NFL team and not have defensive lineman that weighs more than 250 lbs? Of course we are getting blown off the line, our D lineman are the same size as college freshman. And how do we try to make up for our lack of size in the middle? Jeremiah "I should have stopped playing five years ago" Trotter. Talk about a genius coaching decision. I can do what Trotter does. It isn't hard to get fucking buried by the lead blocker on every play. Show some fucking pride and shed a block you pussy. And god forbid he has to actually play pass coverage. Me watching Trotter play pass coverage is like a father watching his retarded son trying to bite his fucking ear off, it's hilarious until you remember he is yours.

Please Christ, get Marty Mornhinweg's worthless ass off our coaching staff. Yes, Andy Reid is the head coach and he has a lot to do with the offensive game planning, but Marty is calling the plays. I said Friday in the comments that the Eagles needed to run the ball at least 40% of the time to have a chance of winning. We ran 11 rush plays and 41 pass plays. Even you fucktards can figure out that's not 40%. Now, a lot of the time the Eagles make up for their lack of a rushing attack with short passes and the screen game. Why the fuck were we not running screens? Our offensive line is getting blown out like Drew's ass at the Plugged Nickel and McNabb is playing like a flustered little bitch, the screen game would make perfect sense. But no. We run three fucking screens all game. One was read perfectly by Ware and blown up, one was a 24 yard gain to Westbrook, and the other was a touchdown to D Jax. Fucking brilliant, Marty. Is this clown really being considered for head coaching jobs?

Jason Peters, you fuck, you being a "Pro Bowl Offensive Tackle" this year is laughable. You are a turd. Good thing we pay you ridiculous jack to suck taint. Winston Justice, you couldn't even start for USC this year and yet you are our starting RT. Good thing we just extended you and can pay you ridiculous jack to suck taint. Why did we dump Jon Runyan? Why did we let go of Tra Thomas? Obviously we replaced Thomas with Peters...not sure about that yet, but Runyan probably would have hung around for pennies compared to what we just signed Justice to. It makes no fucking sense.

Donovan McNabb. Fuck you. I'm done with you. I have said this before, only to backtrack on it when I realize you are probably the best QB in Eagles history. But, I'm done with this shit. You aren't a winner. You aren't clutch. You aren't a leader, at least not a good one. You shrink in big moments. Basically, you are everything I don't want in my quarterback. You have had plenty of chances to get this team over the top and have failed miserably on every occasion. I've seen enough, and so has every other Eagles fan. Go highjack some other organization you fucking choke artist.

I never thought I would say this, but I want Vick. He has a $5 million option for next year and the Eagles should pick it up and make a run with Vick at the helm. He won't be any worse than McNabb. If we have made it this far with McNabb throwing half his passes into the turf then Vick's accuracy shouldn't be an issue. It would also force Reid away from is idiotic pass happy offense. Vick is a good quarterback, not great, but there is no way Reid would have him back there chucking the ball 45 times a game. Vick also brings that extra dimension with his athletic ability, something McNabb lost five years ago. But if we don't go with Vick, I would have no problems with turning over the reigns to Kolb. I have ripped on him quite often for looking like a guy who should be on To Catch A Predator, but he looked good this year when he got his chance. Anybody but McNabb.

Last but not least, this is why you don't get rid of Brian fucking Dawkins. As many of you know, I have an obsession with B Dawk that borders inappropriate. But it is totally warranted. He is the greatest Philadelphia Eagle EVER. Period. There is no doubt in my mind that if we had B Dawk on our team this year we would have been enjoying a first round bye instead of already being out of the playoffs. What the fuck was the front office thinking? It would have been one thing if we had a decent player waiting to take over but, of course, we didn't. No, we replace a guy who is still one of the best safeties in the league--at least top 7-- with a fucking rookie. Not just any rookie, a fifth round draft pick. Not just any fifth round draft pick, a fifth round draft pick who played fucking cornerback his entire college career! GREAT FUCKING PLAN DIPSHITS! Tis is a direct quote from Sean McDermott after the game:

"We've lost some production this year at the safety position. I would think that needs to improve next year if we want to go as far as we'd like to go as a team."

YOU FUCKING THINK?! Easily the worst decision in our organization's history. We brought this first round loss upon ourselves with that one blasphemous act. I hope the grandchildren of those in the front office are born with AIDS nuts on their chin.

I was hoping this would make me feel better, but I'm just more pissed. FUCK ALL OF YOU!

The Worst Of Wild Card Weekend Vol.III

Hmmm, I'm not really sure how to lead this off. I was going to talk about how shitty my picks were but I went 2-2 ATS. Then I was going to discuss how the teams that gave up in week 17 got what they deserved but the Cardinals proved that theorem wrong. Finally, I wanted to talk about how all the games were insanely boring but the Cardinals again came through in the clutch. Instead, let's just get into the shittiness of this weekend's game and agree that none of us really no what the hell is going on and there is no such thing as a lock. I mean, hell, when the Cowboys win a playoff game, our beliefs of football are shaken to the core.

5. USC - Uh oh. This doesn't look good. Pete Carroll isn't just leaving just to leave. It's quite obvious that he is in love with Matt Barkley. The only reason why I can see him moving on to Seattle is that the NCAA is about ready to drop a shitstorm on the Trojans. He is pulling a Calipari here. Getting the fuck out of town before he gets crushed. Will Petey succeed in Seattle? I don't know. He really wasn't that bad during his first go-round in the NFL. But the Seahawks are a fairly large rebuild right now. That whole offense needs to be re-tooled. Maybe he will try to acquire Matt Leinart. As far as USC goes, I have a feeling that they may be heading back toward mediocrity in the near future. At least they will always own the Big Ten.

4. Chris Henry's memory - What a pathetic performance by the Bengals. You could make the case that over the past month, Cincy was the worst team in the AFC North and it wasn't even close. They sucked. Carson Palmer is terrible. He really is. His arm is weak now and he makes terrible decisions. In my opinion, he's a below average NFL QB. Maybe he's hurt, but Palmer has still never shown to me that he is an elite franchise QB. And nice performance by Shayne Graham, too. Missing two chip shot field goals will send you to the unemployment line rather quickly. By the way, commenter jessegscott actually owns a Shayne Graham jersey. Seriously. Dude bought a kicker's jersey. Good luck wearing that around town and not getting your ass kicked this week. In conclusion, the Bengals suck cock and will finish 6-10 next season.

3. Donovan McNabb - I will never understand why anyone would think that he is a stud QB. He's a loser. He always has been. That was embarrassing. Granted, the Cowboys are playing unusually well for this time of year, but still. Not only did the Eagles lose to Wade Phillips and Romo in the playoffs, they were DESTROYED by Wade and Romo in the playoffs. Someone should remind Andy Reid that when you have a crappy QB, you should probably run the ball more than 13 times. Just sayin'. I think Mr. Ace is going to verbally butt rape his team tomorrow so we'll leave it at that.

2. Tom Brady - I had a feeling that the Pats would struggle to score, but I didn't see that coming. Brady has been mediocre all season long and yesterday was a microcosm of his season. He was a turnover machine and in the end, his inability to take care of the football sent the Pats home early. Normally, I would be all shits and giggles over this but I don't want to see the Ravens play anymore. They are boring as shit, Ray Lewis is a faggot, and Joe Flacco molests beagles when he isn't being terrible. I think that this is the beginning of the end for the Pats dynasty. The defense sucks. The offense isn't dynamic anymore. They can't run the ball. Belichick's ego is starting to get the best of him. I love it.

1. Defense in the Desert - Now THAT was a great football game that saved the weekend for football fans everywhere. Who doesn't love a game where the last team with the ball wins. That being said, it shouldn't have been that easy. Both quarterbacks did whatever the fuck they wanted to. In the end, the QB who is closer with Jesus was obviously going to win. Jesus Saves, I'm told. Charles Woodson was horrendous. AJ Hawk continues to be underwhelming. That sure as shit didn't look like the 2nd best defense in the NFL. And nice job, Neil Rackers. He blows. If the Cardinals don't fix their secondary, they will give up 70 next Saturday in the Dome.

Speaking of that, why the fuck is Arizona/New Orleans on Saturday afternoon? Shouldn't that be the Sunday game since, you know, THE CARDS PLAYED YESTERDAY!!! Why is a team who just advanced in the playoffs playing on a short week? This makes no sense. The Cowboys/Vikings game should be the primetime game on Saturday. Can anyone explain this? The NFL schedule makers should win the award for worst performance of the week because Arizona is getting fucked over and the Boys are being rewarded with an extra day off. Fuck that. The only thing that Dallas deserves is a nuclear bomb dropped on it.

LT Style...Electric Glide

I have no idea what possessed LaDainian Tomlinson to do this video. No idea. I'm ready to write off the Chargers because of it though.

HIT THAT HOLE!!!

(Thanks MUDawg for pointing me toward this...thing)

How About Some Weekend Gambling Advice

I ragged on week 17 pretty hard earlier this week due to it's severe case of butt-rot. But my mood has changed. The fucking Playoffs start tomorrow and for the first time in a long while, I am completely perplexed. There is no favorite this year. In my mind, there are only two teams that have no chance to make the Super Bowl (Bengals and Jets). The other 10 would not surprise me at all if they made it to Miami. Now, I only think that 5 teams are good enough to win the Super Bowl, but that is beside the point. The real focus here should be that the postseason is wide fucking open. And this SHOULD lead to a month of great games. Anything to make us forget about the totally inferior bowl season.

Last year, I went 4-0 ATS on my Wild Card weekend predictions (ended the postseason 8-3). Let's see if we can recapture some of that fake gambling magic.

Jets (+2) @ Bengals
-Get ready fuckers because NBC is unleashing Hell upon us for this game. That's right, THEE Joe Thiesmann is back in the booth calling this game with Tom Hammond and, for some reason, The Great Joe Gibbs. This is going to be terrible. As far as the game goes, we all know that the Bengals got slaughtered last week by Rex Ryan's size 58 pants. But here's the thing: I don't trust The Sanchise. In fact, I think he sucks. On the other side, what the fuck is going on with Carson Palmer? SI.com had a good article this week pointing out that they have turned him from a gunslinger into Trent Dilfer. And that is a perfect comparison. Palmer is a game manager now. Everyone loves the Jets this week but they are cocky and due for a fall from grace. Give me the game manager over the dipshit rookie any day in the playoffs. Bengals 23, Jets 6.

Eagles (+4) @ Cowboys
-I have no idea what to expect in this one. Dallas has raped Philly in both games this year. Do I trust them to do it again? Andy Reid and McPuke usually don't start sucking until at least the NFC Championship game. I really truly hate both of these teams and wish that they both could lose. Romo seems to have figured out that not throwing interceptions is a formula for success. About fucking time. I guess this pick will have to do more with the history repeating itself. Wade Phillips doesn't win playoff games. It's hard to beat a team thrice. Jerry Jones deserves to lose. Shaun Suisham can not be counted on. He will miss a field goal late to send Dallas home early again to the delight of everyone in America. Eagles 26, Cowboys 24.

Ravens (+3.5) @ Patriots
-New England hasn't lost a home game this year. That is pretty much all you need to know. Joe Flacco is worse this year than he was a rookie and he just looks like an idiot. A lot has been made about how Julian Edelman will step into Welker's spot and they won't miss a beat. People who say this (Peter King) are fucking retarded. He was the damn QB for Kent fucking State last year! He sucks. I have a feeling that this game is going to be really boring. As long as Willis McGahee gets hurt though, it will make my day. As I said earlier, the Pats haven't lost at home this year. They won't on Sunday. But they fail to cover. Patriots 16, Ravens 13.

Packers (+1) @ Cardinals
-Everyone seems to like Green Bay here. It's hard not to, I guess. They are playing well, some key Cardinals are banged up, and Charles Woodson SICK. I don't know if I buy a bunch of playoff success though. Mike McCarthy is a fat idiot who just looks like a guy who doesn't enjoy prolonged winning streaks. That means that he is due for a loss. They won't see Matt Leinart this week. It's going to be Kurt Warner all day. Whatever the place is in Arizona gets pretty damn loud with all of their bandwagon fans. Call me crazy, but I think Arizona wins this one rather easily. Cardinals 31, Packers 20.

This would give us Eagles/Saints, Cards/Vikes, Colts/Bingles, and Pats/Chargers. Those are some really solid matchups if it falls the way I pick. If you want one lock of the week though, BET AGAINST THE JETS. I can not stress this enough. Can you imagine what Rex Ryan is going to do to Skyline Chili when he gets to SW Ohio? The horror...

College Football Is Finally Over

Make no bones about it (whatever that expression means), this was a brutal college football season. Between there being no really great teams and all the stud QB's from the year before not living up to the hype and the fact that the Heisman voters are fucking retarded (see: Sims, Billy), this was a bad fucking year. Think about it. In 5 years, what are you going to remember the most about the 2009 season? Most of the shit is related to coaches.

With Urban Meyer's near-death experience and 24 hour love of his family, the ousting of Charlie Weis, Fat Vince Gill getting canned by Texas Tech, and Bobby Bowden walking away, that is about it as far as interesting stories from this past year. Notice how none of this is related to anything on the field. Thankfully, this shit show ends tonight and I could not be happier. I figured that I might as well throw up a prediction post since Mr. Ace has vowed not to talk about college football again this year (but he better still be posting something on Tuesdays).

Texas. Alabama. Two programs with crazy tradition and non-descript, boring teams. Don't even bother. You can't convince me otherwise. These two teams are about as interesting as a Jim Tressel press conference (New Mexico State is a good football team!). I feel obligated to watch at least the first half until I get bored and flip over to Jersey Shore to see the fallout from Fist-pumpin' Vinnie making out with the landlord's old lady. This game is going to suck.

Bama is a 4 point favorite. They have insane athletes on defense especially in the secondary. They have the Heisman winner in the backfield (eventhough the voters were wrong). Nick Saban probably cheats. What the fuck does "Crimson Tide" even mean? But with all that said, I like Texas. Or as the idiots from Texas would call it, "Tixess".

Why? They got hosed last year so I expect some good karma to come their way. They have the better QB. No one on their team has those ridiculously annoying "Bama Bangs" haircuts. The Heisman winner rarely wins his bowl game because he gets fat and lazy when everyone tells him how great he is. Mark Ingram's dad is in prison. Nick Saban is an asshole. I've never met anyone from Alabama but I guarantee that I would hate them. The 'Horns all-white uniforms are the best in the land.

Most importantly, Mack Brown looks EXACTLY like my father-in-law. He disagrees with this call, but what does he know? He's the one who gave me permission to marry his daughter and no one should agree to that. He must really hate She$. So I'm pulling for Tixess tonight just to appease the family.

Longhorns 23, Crimson Tide 20...and thank fucking Christ that this sport is over for the year.

The Hall Of Fame Is Great

Andre Dawson is the lone inductee into Cooperstown this year. This might be the first time that a Cub has won anything/been acknowledged for doing something great. I love the baseball Hall. The voters truly know what they are doing (for the most part). No, this is not sarcasm. The HOF is for the best of the best. There are standards to be met. If you can only be described as a good player, then fuck you, you're out. Fred McGriff comes to mind. Sure, he was a solid player who ended up with good numbers. But he isn't a hall of famer. You can't convince me that the Crime Dog was one of the best of the best.

The big bitches I've been reading/hearing about are Roberto Alomar and Bert Blyleven being left off. Look, Alomar will get in soon. It would have been nice to see him get enshrined before he died from AIDS, but getting in posthumously still counts. And regardless if Bert "loves to fart" or not, if he is going to keep whining about it, fuck him, too.

Personally, if I had a vote, I would have voted for Alomar, Mark McGwire, and Tim Raines. But that's just me. As far as Big Mac goes, he needs to be included. He cheated. But, dammit, he made baseball popular and that shit has to count for something. With Raines, the guy admitted to sliding head first into bases so to not break the vials of crack he had in his back pocket. That is HOF shit right there. He did not feel comfortable playing baseball at a high level without crack rocks in his pants!

The only problem with the voters is that a few of them are fucking retarded.
*TWO people voted for Eric Karros. ERIC KARROS.
*Two people voted for Ellis Burks.
*Rockin' Robin Ventura somehow got SEVEN.
*Kevin Appier and Pat Hentgen each got a vote.
*And the biggest shocker of them all, David fucking Segui is believed by one voter to be a Hall of Famer.

Holy shit. Do these voters smear their ballots with shit before returning them? Ridiculous. In closing, there is one thing that I do know...if there was a Blogging HOF, I would be a unanimous first ballot selection. Because I don't have AIDS (yet).

The Year Of The Comebacks

Man, how great was this movie? Of course it's stupid, but it's good stupid. David Koechner cracks my shit up eventhough he is a full-fledged retard. But this epic film is half of my inspiration for today's post. The other half, you ask?

Now, I don't normally watch Monday Night Raw. Every once in awhile, I will flip it on, watch for a few minutes, get annoyed, and then change the channel. But I had heard rumors that Bret "The Hitman" Hart was going to show up this week. I did not believe it. Obviously, almost all of the craft of professional wrestling is fake. I won't argue this. What is real though is the drug-related deaths, the reality that Owen Hart could not fly, the injuries sustained, and the Montreal Screwjob of 1997. If you don't know the story, I recommend that you read up on it. Basically, Vince McMahon screwed over Hart's legacy, Hart spit on him and gave him a black-eye, and then there was no communication for over a decade. It was a true grudge. These guys HATED each other and it was absolutely NOT fake.

But there was Hart on Monday night, back in the ring...back in the WWE again. It was surreal. He and Shawn Michaels buried the hatchet. At the end, it appeared that Vince and Bret were going to make amends as well. Then Vince kicked him in the nuts setting up a likely mega-match at Wrestlemania between a guy in his 70's and a guy in his 50's. Sound terrible? It probably will be. But it was cool as shit and amazing to see those two face to face again. It ultimately told me that money trumps all and these two realized that their rivalry paled in comparison to the fistfuls of cash that all parties could make. It is genius. And it got me thinking, 2010 is not even a week old yet we have already seen a comeback that I NEVER thought I would ever see. Ever. So why can't the rest of this year be as awesome? Why can't 2010 be the year of the comeback? If Bret "The Hitman" Hart and Vince McMahon can set aside their egos for the greater good, why not see who else we can get to make an epic comeback? Here is what I would like to see happen over the next 359 days.

*I want Tiger Woods to come back with a vengeance. He's been taking a beating in the media and the jokes are running rampant. I want to see him win The Masters and when sinks that final putt, I hope he dry humps the shit out of Steve Williams.

*I want Barry Bonds back. Yeah, he's a dickhead and one of the most polarizing athletes of the past decade, but I don't care. How perfect would his swing be for Yankee Stadium? He could hit 100 home runs.

*I want Barry Sanders is back. I've wanted this for a decade. Please come back to the Lions. Even in his 40's, he is still better than Kevin Smith.

*I want Tim Donaghy back. Even after the controversy, NBA officiating still sucks. Might as well bring back a ref who would definitely make pro basketball must-watch TV.

*I want Mark Mangino, Charlie Weis, Phil Fulmer, and Romeo Crennel to form a "super coach" alliance and take over some college program that is floundering but accepting of fat guys. Somewhere like Wisconsin. Fire Bielema and bring in The Fat Four.

*I want Jerry Tarkanian to coach UNLV again. Those teams were fun as fuck and obviously well-paid.

*I want Dale Earnhardt back. Take his son instead.

*I want Andre Agassi to put his crazy wig back on, cook up and smoke all the meth he can, and kill Roger Federer because he has no personality. And then beat the capri pants off of Nadal assuming the #1 player in the world title.

*I want Bo Diaz to come back and work for DirecTV. Don't get the joke about the former Reds catcher? Allow me to explain:
On November 23, 1990, Díaz was killed when a satellite dish that he was adjusting on the roof of his home in Caracas, Venezuela fell on him.

*I want Dick Schaap to rise from the grave. In his brief state as a zombie, I would like him to kill Mike Lupica, Mitch Albom, Bob Ryan, and anyone else who has turned The Sports Reporters from a solid watch to absolute shit.

*I want JBeanie to either start his site up again or become a regular contributor here. There. I said it.

*And finally, I want John Cooper to come back to coach Ohio State. No one pissed away seasons with superior talent quite like that hayseed.

I want this to happen. I want this to be the most amazing sports year ever. We are already off to a great start with The Hitman's return, but we need to keep the momentum going.