Thursday, December 23, 2010

Lube Up The Chimney Because St. Prick Is Back

It's better late than never I suppose but it's time for this site to give out gifts to it's faithful commenters once again. Notice that I said commenters. Two years ago, we were blessed by the presence of "Santa Blogs".  Last year, he couldn't make it so he sent his evil twin, St. Prick, instead. He was not as gracious.  And since you are all terrible still, St. Prick is back with more "gifts".

If you weren't included in the giveaway, feel free to poop in your hand and consider that your present. I'm putting this together hastily and I don't have the time (or desire) to determine which commenters get a "present" from St. Prick this year. On to the gifts:
The Wig Master - You get a spot on the next season of "Rock of Love".  Your love for hair metal and bald dudes in bandanas are your two most-endearing features.

Naptown Wolverine - Since you are going prematurely gray up top, I would guess (and shudder at the thought) that it's like that everywhere.  "Just For Men:  Pubes" will be left under the tree come Saturday morning.

Damman - I am releasing you from your commitment to the Cleveland Indians franchise.  This is a blessing and maybe the best gift that I could give anyone.  Join the winning team.  Become a Yankees fan.  Look at yourself in the mirror...and then kiss your reflection like you are A-Bomb.

Hoffman/Lange - Just giving you the heads up that Crazy Joey Votto is on borrowed time in the land of Skyline.  Enjoy him now because he's already got a foot out the door on his way to the Dodgers/Cubs/Blue Jays.

Grumpy - You said awhile ago that you would have no problem if your daughter dated Big Ben.  Well, I'm calling your bluff.  I have scheduled three dates for the two of them.  You have to provide your own -ahem-
"kits" though.  And don't count on getting any help from the authorities either.
Tony B - I have absolutely no desire to "get it started" during the Super Bowl halftime show this year so I'm allowing you to take the place of Fergie and her band of un-whites.  But you have to incorporate Lovie Smith into all of your songs though.

MUDawg - You've said in the past that you were a Falcons season ticketholder and that you despise all of the black people down there who defended Vick.  Here's your day in the sun.  The Falcons beat Vick to go the Super Bowl.  So let it be done.  Take a rapestand on your way out of the Georgia Dome if you want.

Drew - A blow-up Terrelle Pryor sex doll that you can defend at all costs even when everyone is right to say that it isn't living up to sexpectations.  Also, a ten second DVD of The Best of Kyle Orton.

Li'l Strut - A couple of gerbils.  You'll know what to do.  If not, just ask your mother...ZING!  Uh Jesus Chriiiiiiist.  "Move onward, Lemmewinks, or you will soon be dead!"

Jeff - Since you coach a summer baseball team and I umpire summer baseball games, you will receive the best gift of all.  If and when our paths cross on the diamond, I will throw you out of the game for absolutely no reason at all.  It will be glorious...because it's been awhile since I've tossed anyone.

Seal - You are going to get punished, bitch.  I can't think of anything worse than Cavs season tickets and a Corperryale Ladorable Harris jersey.  Also, Austin Carr will narrate your life for a week (just to make things easier on you).

Dut - I wanted to get you something special, ya little weasel.  First, I have ethnically cleansed all of the whiny bitches from the DFL.  Second, you get a time machine.  Third, you use that time machine to go back to when you were a baby and then give yourself SIDS.  Jesus, that was a bit crude...even for me.

The Iceman - You live in BG already so how can things get worse?  How about if I made you wear one of Tate Forcier's bench-worn skullies while he skullfucks your brains out?  Works for me.  And this gives me another chance to link "May The Forcier Be With You".  That post should have shit smeared all over it.

Mr. Ace - We miss you around here, toolboy.  You need to make more of a conscious effort to converse with us daily.  As a means to get you around more, I offer you this.  Clearly, Porn Day revealed one of your true passions...tits.  So I bought a shovel and crowbar from my local hardware store and dug up Anna Nicole Smith.  She's all tits and bones at this point but she's laying on your couch nonetheless.  Have fun with those!  Good luck explaining that to the missus.

What about GMoney, you wonder?  Well, I asked for this last year (and what a prick he ended up being):

As for me, I only want one thing and the sad thing is that I don't have a clue if I'm going to get it. But I won't know if I get it until July. I just want (name redacted) to stay in Cleveland. That's it.

What a fucking asshole!  Not only did St. Prick shit all over me, he shit all over me a million times by not giving me what I wanted in the most embarrassing way possible.  So you owe me, fucker, and I will get what is mine this year.

I want Anne Hathaway.  Oh my God, do I love Anne Hathaway (eventhough I have yet to see any of her likely awful movies).  I tell She$ at least once a week that I would leave her in a second if Anne Hathaway came a-knockin'.  And I mean it.  And it's a great conversation.  Don't worry though, the missus asked for Josh Duhamel this year.  I told her that she would have better odds with James Caan but whatever. 

Have a good Christmas everyone and I'll be back on Monday.  Be careful out there.


Grumpy said...

I don't have a daughter, but Ben can assault me. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to the biggest band of perverts and pedophiles on the internets.

GMoney said...

Damn, that sort of ruins it then. But if you're willing to take the hit then I guess that that works, too.

Perverts, yes. But I don't think that anyone here has nailed a kid...yet.

Drew said...

Thanks for the gifts St. Prick! Good thing the Kyle Orton video is ten seconds long....I can probably get off twice before I'm done with it.

Also...the Black Eyed Peas will be a great Super Bowl half-time show....yeah I said it.

Tony B. said...

Drew, your comment offends me. It sounds like you don't want to hear cuts from my Lovie Smith concept album. Such classics as "Lovie Smith Smile," "3-11 In G$'s Predictions, But 10-4 In Our Hearts," "Scar Tissue Just Below His Mouth," "Defense Wins Championships (Except when Rex Grossman or Kyle Orton is your QB)," and "Exciting Defense/Boring Press Conference." I hope Saint Prick downgrades your 10 second Greatest Moments DVD of Kyle Orton to a 4 second Greatest Moments DVD of Kyle Orton on the Bears.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the chance ("Rock of Love") to contract that STD that I never scored while in BG! How about a bowl win for ya, G$! A merry xmas to all of the outstanding gentlemen (again, I doubt any females hang around this site) who make this spot the...what is it...the...the place to be!

--the Wig Master

Anonymous said...

Question...can I exchange my gift? I would rather have 5 high profile OSU players sit out the first 5 games of 2011. What? What's that? That's already happened??

GMoney said...

Cool it on "the dirtiest program in college football", Iceman. We'll get to that next week. DAMN, I WISH THAT I HAD A POST PLANNED TOMORROW!

Anonymous said...

Although I am very upset at the 5 OSU players, I appreciated a joke by OSU's AD Gene Smith:

* Tressel: “Biggest concern I have is the people our players associate themselves with.”

* Smith: “Which is why we might hire a tattoo artist for the team.”

Lil' Strut

P.S. Thanks for the gerbils. I think one of them is munching on the corn I ate last night.

Anonymous said...

My apologies G$. I couldn't resist. The fact that these guys are saying they had no idea anyone was doing anything wrong by selling their stuff is complete liar bullshit. If everyone is calling bullshit on Cam Newton not knowing his dad was shopping his skills, then you have to call bullshit on these guys "not knowing they were breaking rules". Go fuck yourself for trying to get people to belive that.

Anonymous said...

Originally, I thought these players were dumbasses, but then I started thinking like the lawyer that I am. The gifts that were given to the players (Rings, Gold Pants, Etc...) that they eventually sold or exchanged for tattoos were the property of the players. The items were not the property of the university or the NCAA. So to restrict a student-athlete's right to sell his own property seems ridiculous. I am not saying the players did not violate the rules, but it just seems like the NCAA rule is overbearing.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

I said knock it off, you two! There will be time for this later in what I assume will be a 40-50 comment day.

Anonymous said...

Knocking it off...