Thursday, December 23, 2010
The Wig Master - You get a spot on the next season of "Rock of Love". Your love for hair metal and bald dudes in bandanas are your two most-endearing features.
Naptown Wolverine - Since you are going prematurely gray up top, I would guess (and shudder at the thought) that it's like that everywhere. "Just For Men: Pubes" will be left under the tree come Saturday morning.
Damman - I am releasing you from your commitment to the Cleveland Indians franchise. This is a blessing and maybe the best gift that I could give anyone. Join the winning team. Become a Yankees fan. Look at yourself in the mirror...and then kiss your reflection like you are A-Bomb.
Hoffman/Lange - Just giving you the heads up that Crazy Joey Votto is on borrowed time in the land of Skyline. Enjoy him now because he's already got a foot out the door on his way to the Dodgers/Cubs/Blue Jays.
Grumpy - You said awhile ago that you would have no problem if your daughter dated Big Ben. Well, I'm calling your bluff. I have scheduled three dates for the two of them. You have to provide your own -ahem-
"kits" though. And don't count on getting any help from the authorities either.
Tony B - I have absolutely no desire to "get it started" during the Super Bowl halftime show this year so I'm allowing you to take the place of Fergie and her band of un-whites. But you have to incorporate Lovie Smith into all of your songs though.
MUDawg - You've said in the past that you were a Falcons season ticketholder and that you despise all of the black people down there who defended Vick. Here's your day in the sun. The Falcons beat Vick to go the Super Bowl. So let it be done. Take a rapestand on your way out of the Georgia Dome if you want.
Drew - A blow-up Terrelle Pryor sex doll that you can defend at all costs even when everyone is right to say that it isn't living up to sexpectations. Also, a ten second DVD of The Best of Kyle Orton.
Li'l Strut - A couple of gerbils. You'll know what to do. If not, just ask your mother...ZING! Uh Jesus Chriiiiiiist. "Move onward, Lemmewinks, or you will soon be dead!"
Seal - You are going to get punished, bitch. I can't think of anything worse than Cavs season tickets and a Corperryale Ladorable Harris jersey. Also, Austin Carr will narrate your life for a week (just to make things easier on you).
Dut - I wanted to get you something special, ya little weasel. First, I have ethnically cleansed all of the whiny bitches from the DFL. Second, you get a time machine. Third, you use that time machine to go back to when you were a baby and then give yourself SIDS. Jesus, that was a bit crude...even for me.
The Iceman - You live in BG already so how can things get worse? How about if I made you wear one of Tate Forcier's bench-worn skullies while he skullfucks your brains out? Works for me. And this gives me another chance to link "May The Forcier Be With You". That post should have shit smeared all over it.
Mr. Ace - We miss you around here, toolboy. You need to make more of a conscious effort to converse with us daily. As a means to get you around more, I offer you this. Clearly, Porn Day revealed one of your true passions...tits. So I bought a shovel and crowbar from my local hardware store and dug up Anna Nicole Smith. She's all tits and bones at this point but she's laying on your couch nonetheless. Have fun with those! Good luck explaining that to the missus.
What about GMoney, you wonder? Well, I asked for this last year (and what a prick he ended up being):
As for me, I only want one thing and the sad thing is that I don't have a clue if I'm going to get it. But I won't know if I get it until July. I just want (name redacted) to stay in Cleveland. That's it.
Have a good Christmas everyone and I'll be back on Monday. Be careful out there.